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Tara Brach
Awakening Trust in a Fractured World, Part 1
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In an age of polarization, conspiracy thinking, and deepening mistrust, how can we cultivate a trust that is wise and healing –for our own heart and the world? This talk explores the personal and collective forces that foster mistrust, and through...
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Greetings. We offer these podcasts freely and your support really makes a difference. To make a donation, please visit tarabrock.com Namaste. A real welcome and blessings to each. So the title for today's Reflection together is Awakening Trust in a Fractured World. And I thought I'd start with a 12th century old prophecy. It's from the Tibetan Buddhist tradition and Joanna Macy, beloved teacher of many who recently passed, she shared this often and so I'm going to do that now. It's an adapted version and as Joanna says, listen as if it's addressed to you, because it is. And the title again? Shambhala Warrior Prophecy. The Shambhala warriors are Bodhisattvas, awakening beings. They're us. Okay, here goes. There comes a time when the world is in existential peril and great forces of greed, hatred and delusion rise up, threatening the very web of life. The air becomes toxic, the water's poisoned, the soil is dying. The people divided by chasms of fear, mistrust and hostility. The future hangs by a thread. In this time, many fall into despair or denial. But from all corners of the earth, the Shambhala warriors, the Bodhisattvas, begin to arise, not as soldiers with weapons, but as humans of heart, of awareness. These Bodhisattvas are everyday people who feel the suffering of the world and choose not to turn away. The Shambhala warrior's task is to enter into the very core of systems that perpetuate harm. Yes, the institutions, the halls of power, but most fundamentally, the delusional stories, the habits of heart and mind that separate us, that close us, that fuel violence and domination. And from within, they begin to dismantle these forces. Now. Now is the time that the Shambhala warriors go into training and engage. Now is the time. And they do this with two essential weapons or tools, compassion and wisdom. Compassion gives them the energy and courage to stay present and engaged, to face pain, to realize our shared vulnerability, our belonging, and to act without hatred. Compassion allows them to see clearly there is no evil. It is the illusion of separateness that gives rise to fear, violence and suffering. It covers over the basic goodness that's our source. It covers over our connectedness. The power of the Shambhala Warrior comes from their unwavering trust in basic goodness, trust in love and awareness, trust in the truth of our belonging, trust in our capacity to awaken, trust in the fundamental benevolence of this universe. They know that even in the darkest moments, love is still here. And that when we act from that love, even the smallest act reverberates through the entire web of life. Okay, so that was the prophecy, and it was about 40 years ago, because I was just thinking about when I first encountered it, and I read it in a book by a Tibetan teacher, and then more in that book about the whole path of the Shambhala warrior of the Bodhisattva. And it was really inspiring to me so much, though, that that's what led to my first Buddhist retreat. So I want to name to you what it was that most drew me, and it was the centering of this teaching, to trust our basic goodness, to trust basic goodness in ourselves and each other and in life. And what we're trusting is really love and awareness that's in each being, trusting that we can wake up and manifest that. So that was the message. It was that, you know, I was reading this again 40 years ago, and it was basically saying, you have basic goodness. Trust it. So I can say I wouldn't have ridden radical acceptance if it wasn't a struggle to trust that, trust my own heart, trust the goodness that's here, and by extension, really trust life. And I can say over the decades, I often get this question of, you know, well, how have you changed? How have these practices changed you? And I would say the single deepest change is that there's more remembrance and trust, that awareness and love, basic goodness. It's more the truth of who we are than our personalities, our egos. So as in the prophecy, this trust in basic goodness, this remembrance of who we really are, that's what lights our path in dark times. That's what we need now to bridge divides and to really remember our belonging, live from our belonging to each other. So that's our inquiry today, really is. And this will be probably in two parts. Second one will be in a few weeks. In these current times, how do we cultivate trust and basic goodness? A remembrance of our belonging? So I remember exploring some of this in a talk I gave Years ago in D.C. my mother was 80, around 80, and she was there. And I remember talking about Albert Einstein, because he's attributed with that. Putting out this kind of inquiry, said that the most important question facing humanity is, is the universe a friendly place? In other words, you know, is there a primordial benevolence, a basic goodness that underlies everything, the whole creation that lives through us all? And Einstein's argument was that this perspective shapes all of our actions. If we believe in an unfriendly universe, it'll lead to building walls in defense and to isolate or destroy what we feel, whereas if we believe and trust in a friendly universe, it inspires us to use our resources for understanding and compassion. So gave that talk on the ride home. My mother, and background of my mother, she was a philosophy major at Barnard. She took issue with the term basic goodness, as you might. And she started. She said, well, darling, I kind of knew what was coming. How do we know basic goodness is more basic than badness? I mean, what about those responsible for the Holocaust, for slavery and lynching, those who abused children, those who destroy the earth for profit? You know, might this reflect the presence of basic badness? And so I agreed that intellectually there's no proof as to what's more fundamental or primary. But then it dropped into a different level of realness. And I shared my own experience that in those moments when I get quiet and open into real presence, there is a spaciousness, a tenderness, you know, a wakefulness that feels like essence, you know, feels like homecoming. And there's no trace of, you know, cynicism or self mistrust. That's all just gone. And there's. Instead, it has a kind of innocence, purity, sincerity. There's just nothing sweeter. That's what I told her. And I said something more. I said that this awareness, this love, this light, it doesn't feel personal at all. It's not owned by my. It's not my goodness. It's that source, essence that connects all of us, that we all arise from, that fills all of us. I often think of Thomas Merton's. He had this beautiful teaching. He said, life is this simple. We are living in a world that's absolutely transparent, and the divine is shining through it all the time. This is not just a nice story or fable. It's true. Okay, back to my mom and me. She loved a good argument, and she was also a truth seeker. You know, she was also a fan of Thomas Merton. And something in her knew that looking towards basic goodness, our light, our love, arousing it, trusting in it, it can only be healing. So to move forward in time the following week, and I shared this with my mom, a woman posted on Facebook, and I want to share with you. She said, my young son and I were listening to your podcast while making dinner, and suddenly he looked at me and said, I don't have any badness in me, just goodness. And that goodness keeps getting gooder and gooder every day. I felt like that we should put that on a refrigerator, right? Okay, so some of you might be listening to Einstein's basic question do you experience benevolence in the universe, a fundamental benevolence, and be thinking, kind of like my mom, that as we bear witness to such insanity in our world, such out and out cruelty destructiveness, how do we trust basic goodness in our species, really, you know, or for some of us, we might be looking at ourselves and saying, you know, I've seen my own jealousy, I've seen my own how much I go for vengeance, my capacity to hurt, my addictive behavior, how to trust. Okay, so I want to do some defining of terms, because it feels important here, naming the difference in the relationship between two kinds of trust. First, there's spiritual trust. And this is the unconditional trust in the basic goodness of all beings. The love light shines through all. And so what that means is that no matter how confused or harmful someone's behavior might be on the surface, no matter how clouded over that goodness is, there's a recognition of that sentience and light and love as their essence, as their source. And with this trust is an experience of, you belong, I belong, we all belong. Absolute belonging and underlying oneness. That's spiritual trust. And then there's relational trust, wise relational trust. And this kind of trust is conditional. It's discerning, has to be. It's based on someone's level of self awareness, mindful awareness, their honesty, their behavior, their capacity to care. It also depends on how much stress they're under in the moment, you know, in any particular time, because stress can really regress us. So we might trust someone's essence. You know, your goodness is there and your potential is there. But not trust them in the moment to behave in a way that is wise. By way of illustration, there were three longtime Buddhist practitioners, friends who had lived together in a quiet seaside monastery for 10 years. They had a deep trust in each other. Then, by some strange magic, they were suddenly transported to a deserted island. So it's hot, they're thirsty, they're hungry, confused. And out of nowhere, they find a bottle with a genie, of course. So the first practitioner says, because they're invited to have each have a wish. First one says, I want to go back to the monastery. I missed the garden and the quiet walks. Poof, he's gone. The second says, yes, I want to go back too. I miss the early morning chanting. Poof, she's gone. The third sees beloved friends vanish and panics and says, I'm lonely. I wish they were back here with me. So we all have insecurities and unmet needs and the ego tendencies to grasp and avoid and try to control. And they're amplified when we're under stress. So we can't trust necessarily that we won't cause harm, that others won't cause harm. So again, we can have spiritual trust in someone's basic goodness, but also anticipate that they may cause trouble. Now, here's the key. As that spiritual trust in goodness gets really deep and steady and strong. Not just an idea that we really see that light in each other. It calls others goodness forward calls. If we trust it in ourselves, it calls our own goodness forward. Seeing it and trusting it amplifies it. And this isn't like some abstract ideal. I mean, think of it in a real, concrete way. When someone believes in us, we start believing in ourselves. It brings out our best. We are relational creatures, and we learn who we are from each other's mirroring. It's striking to see this on a societal scale. The impact of spiritual leaders who've lit the way for many of us, those who have, like, a real trust in human spirit, a vision of a more loving world. The. The example that comes to mind for many of us most immediately is Martin Luther King. There he was amidst hatred and violence, and he had a vision of beloved community. He had a trust in soul force and the power of love and truth and nonviolent resistance to transform. And just to think how many he inspired to become the best version of themselves. I mean, perhaps the greatest spiritually based social movement in history. I was talking last year with Father Gregory Boyle. Many of you have probably heard of him. We were doing an interview. He's the author of Tattoos on the Heart, and he works with gang members in Los Angeles, and he works with so these young people from different gangs. There's rivals, there's hatred, there's aggression. He creates in the midst of things, Homeboy Industries. Father Gregory Boyle is a real Bodhisattva Shambhala warrior. And what's so amazing is that he brings all these traumatized, violent young people into loving, healing community. So, of course, the interview is like, how do you do this? And he says, there's two unwavering principles at Homeboy Industries and in their as and as part of their larger healing community. And the first principle, everyone is unshakably good, no exceptions. The second, we belong to each other. No exceptions. Then he says, now do I think all our vexing and complex social dilemmas would disappear if we embrace these two notions? Yeah, I do. Yes, I do. So he has this Shambhala warrior trust in goodness, and he has this incredible capacity to bring it forward. Okay, so there's real power in trusting in goodness. I'm talking about the spiritual trust. And here's where we're going to turn to now. There's really strong forces, inner forces and outer forces that, that block, that trusting, that cover over basic goodness, that fuel us feeling like we're separate and fuel a really toxic mistrust. The kind of mistrust that's spiking in our world right now. This is Thich Nhat Hanh. This, my dear, is the greatest challenge to being alive. To witness injustice in the world and not allow it to consume our light. This, my dear, is the greatest challenge to being alive to witness injustice in the world and not allow it to consume our light, to witness injustice, to witness the current horrors in our world and not have it consumer light, not have it blind us from seeing who we really are and who others really are. So in addition to our current global atmosphere that makes it really hard to see through to spirit to basic goodness. We have all the conditioning of our caregivers and our surrounding society. Probably many of you know of Erik Erickson's model of development. The very first task of life he identifies is to establish basic trust. This felt sense that the world is safe, that others will meet our needs, that we're worthy of love and to the degree that caretakers are attuned and unconditionally loving, that they mirror our goodness, that deep trust unfolds. And as we know, caregivers themselves are shaped by prior generations, generational trauma by the society around them. Most modern societies, rather than nurturing belonging, letting us know about our basic goodness, there's all these messages about what make us valuable and okay, you know, they're based on intelligence, they're based on race, they're based on body size, they're based on income, on beauty, on gender and more. That all makes our felt sense of basic goodness and belonging very conditional. So I'm naming this friends because it's not our fault if we are caught in mistrust. There are really strong forces that block our experience of basic goodness and healing our hearts. Uncovering basic goodness, realizing who we really are, it actually starts with recognizing the patterns of mistrust where we're stuck. Because if we can meet mistrust with presence and kindness, it opens the door to realizing a deeper truth. So we're going to do a little reflection in a moment on where we see the currents of mistrust in our life. And when we do it, this is a reminder that this serves waking up not to add judgment, like, you know, put yourself down where you see mistrust. There are four signs that we're going to review and one of the unhealthy mistrust. And one sign is this deep sense of separateness and not belonging. And another sign is that we're constantly judging and blaming ourselves are others and others. Another sign of kind of toxic mistrust is that it's pervasive that there's very few if any people, including ourselves, that we trust. I mean, mostly there's a sense of people are unsafe. And the last one is it's accompanied by a real sense of fear that life is unsafe. It's against us. So we'll reflect together. You might take a moment if it helps you take a few full breaths. You might close your eyes or lower your gaze, feel this body breathing, really invite yourself right here so that you're witnessing this from a present and kind heart. And ask yourself how much is there a sense of separateness, of not belonging. And as you scan, you might sense that it can show up as regular conflict or it can actually show up in the habit of withholding vulnerability or feelings, a suspicion that others are not going to care, they're not going to be interested. It might show up never asking for help or support, as this ongoing insecurity that you'll be rejected. It can show up in painful little ways, like why didn't that person respond to my text? The next domain, judgment and blame. It's really in a deep way projecting badness onto others, whether they're individuals or groups. How much is that going on? And it can be inward as self blame. So with this one, it's that sense that you or others should, capital letters should, underlined, bolded, should be different. There's something wrong, as is that others are less moral or less human. It's the bad othering and the bad shelfing. The next category is pervasiveness, meaning how often do you find you're mistrusting others or yourself chronically feeling suspicious or defensive or cynical. Cynical is one of the big signs some way cynical about people in life, cynical about your own motivations and ego. Okay, the last category to scan for is just fear. I shouldn't say the word just. It's that felt sense that life is unsafe, that's unpredictable, that around the corner something will be too much, so there's never at home. So that's the scan. And you might sense for yourself when you are living inside mistrust, what is it like? And there's that sense of not belonging, fear, judgment. What's the experience of your heart and mind and just having the courage to notice that and as you do meet it with presence and care. Widen your lens a bit, sensing all who are here right now and all those around the world because we know this is spiking and just saying others feel this too so that you can feel your intention, your prayer for all of us, yourself and all of us to move towards remembering and trusting the love, the light, the awareness that connects us. Just feel your sincere intention. Well thank you for scanning. There's a natural inquiry once we've scanned is okay, so what helps us awaken, it's kind of a trance when we're in mistrust, what wakes us up from that trance? What uncovers basic goodness? So the rest of this time together we're going to be focusing on how do we wake up from self mistrust when we can't sense our own goodness. And then we'll widen it during our next time together that we focus on this topic. And I think my own story I'll share because it's alive in me right now to remember which was that I was in my mid late 20s and participating in a woman's group. I was living in an ashram at the time. And I remember in that group when it was my turn to speak, I confessed my self mistrust how much I didn't trust myself, how my motivations, you know, there I was doing a lot of teaching yoga and part of all this trying to be spiritually pure and I just felt like my motivations were very self serving. I felt a lot of vanity around being a yogi. I was competitive, I was self centered, you know, I couldn't get over the fact that my ego existed. So I was confessing all this that you know, it shouldn't be like this, I should be different. So I wasn't just seeing the ego with discerning eyes. It was unhealthy, mistrust, very wall to wall and very painful. A lot of cynicism towards myself. So I don't have any remembrance of what they said back. All I know is I returned to my little room and I was in such pain that at first I tried to do yoga to try to feel better but I realized I was avoiding something. So instead I deliberately invited forward everything about myself. I mistrusted, you know, all the behaviors, all the ways I was striving and trying to prove and comparing to others and I'd let them come up and Then I just try to look deeper like, okay, what is driving this? What's under this? And I found under all these things I was mistrusting in some way. I was trying to win approval. I was really trying to win love. It was coming from this insecurity of being unlovable, from this separate fearful self sense. And then as I investigated, you know, what's the impact of living with mistrust like this, with a sense of personal badness. And I want to invite you to check that out in yourself also. Like how does it affect your life? Well, for me it became so clear that it stopped me from trusting others loved me. It stopped me from being spontaneous. I was always and second guessing myself. It stopped me from seeing others in a whole way. You know, I was seeing their egos, so huge waves of sorrow from bringing this kind of presence to mistrust. And with that a lot of compassion and tenderness came. I found that I was in some way, you know, holding, you know, my own weeping inner self with really great tenderness. And with that there was this shifting, this enlarging. I can feel it as I share it. It was just the shift from bad selfhood to being. That space of tenderness and compassion that was holding the changing parade of ego. And this realization, and this is the whole deal that this field of presence, this loving presence is truly more who I am, more the truth of being than any of the shifting currents of selfishness or fear or any of the changing waves on the surface. It was a profound shift in identity from the coverings to the whole being. And it was a taste of basic goodness, of larger belonging to that has become more full over years. I found that the more there's a touching into basic goodness, the more and I get familiar with it, you know, just okay, this is it. This is what truly is. This is the ocean, not the waves. The more it arises and it directly over the years extends to what I see in others because I can see waves, but I also can see the light and love much more easily. But I do want to say many, many rounds of having to bring presence to the signs of mistrust. The kind of signs we explored together just now. Many rounds of finding myself caught in self judgment and having to reopen into that compassionate presence and, and remember, okay, this is who I am. Presence is what uncovers the gold Presence. Does it now? I want to assure you that for me it didn't give a green light to ego. Some of you might remember Jack handy in deep thoughts. One of his deep thoughts was this. The first thing was I learned to forgive myself. Then I told myself, go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me. So it's not that okay. In my story where bringing presence and compassion towards the struggling self, it opened to that sense of basic goodness. But the reality is any pathway to care and to presence can awaken us from the trance. And I say that because that includes feeling the love of others. Again, come back to Father Gregory Boyle, who you can just see his love and trust in. And he tells countless stories about this in the different gang members. His trust in them brought it out of them. It helped the goodness come out of them. You know, we are Shambhala warriors, bodhisattvas that need to remind each other because the truth is that we learn who we are in relationship. I mean, that's part of how we emerge. Essential part of trusting goodness is another's mirroring. And for so many of us, when it's erratic and harsh and critical, we land up with toxic mistrust. So the process of remembering, of tending to the hurting self, we need each other. We need others to see us, understand us, love us. So it's not a weakness to long for a loving other to remind us that we're okay. And one of my favorite quotes, this is Arne Goreberg. He says to love someone is to learn the song in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten. One more story, friends. And this is a kind of story of forgetting and being reminded that Franco Sasky, who's a dear friend, an author teacher, told about a young man named Matthew. And Matthew was dying of aids. He was a longtime Buddhist practitioner, deeply devoted. But in his last days he got caught in this terrible trance of fear and self mistrust. And it wasn't so. He wasn't just his physical suffering that was so difficult because he did have, you know, pneumonia and high fevers. But this deep inner mistrust, a hatred of himself. Now background. He had been raised in a strict fundamentalist Christian home. And the idea of a punishing God, one who would condemn him for being gay, had been literally beaten into him by his preacher father. So that was the mirroring, really direct message of badness. And now that he was close to death, he was certain he'd be cast into hell. It was all coming back up. And Frank did all he could. He helped him to orient to mindfulness and compassion. He created a small altar with his beloved Buddha statue and played chanting music. He held his hand, massaged his feet, but nothing touched into that deep mistrust. So that's how the trance of mistrust can go. So finally Frank went home to rest. And on the drive home, he remembered his own first communion and the sense of being welcomed into the lap of a loving God. So he was back home and he searched through an old box and found a little plastic figurine of Jesus surrounded by lambs and children. And he brought it back to the hospital. And as he was smoothing the altar cloth and placing the statue, a cleaning woman named Diana came in. And she saw the figure of the Jesus and said joyfully, merciful Jesus, when his kindness is with us, everything is all right. And Matthew's eyes locked into hers and a smile spread across his face and his body relaxed. And in that moment, the punishing God of his childhood gave way to something much deeper. The God of love that he also knew, the one who embraces all of us, no matter our flaws, who knows our basic goodness, who trusts and knows our belonging. So Dina's deep faith in that love, so unshakable, was the medicine. And it gave Matthew what he needed to let go of that self hatred and mistrust and rest in something larger. So later that day, Frank returned and Matthew was sitting up in bed, smiling and eating Jell O. It touches me to share that with you because it's such a painful trance to mistrust, mistrust who we are, who others are. In that mistrust, there's no sense of belonging. And it's possible to wake up from that trance. You know, for Matthew, it was the God of his limbic brain was the mistrust. And he opened to a larger, more benevolent presence around him, filling him. That's what we call basic goodness. So awakening from the trance of mistrust, uncovering spiritual trust, it happens when we bring presence, compassion to our own being, our own places of fear and mistrust, or with the support of a larger beloved presence. For Matthew, it was Jesus. Diana could be the support of ancestors, friends, family. It's a pathway of reconnecting. I love this from Rumi, just to remind you, because it really is a trance when we forget who we are. He says, I must have been incredibly simple or drunk or insane to sneak into my own house and steal money, to climb over the fence and take my own vegetables. But no more. I've gotten free of that ignorant fist that was pinching and twisting my secret self. The universe and the light of the stars come through me. I am the crescent moon put up over the gate to the festival. So we'll practice a bit. Uncovering the gold, waking up from mistrust. And we do this that we're not becoming something different. And it's not because we deserve or earn goodness. This is your essence, and you can uncover it through heart presence. And the more in touch you are with it, the more you'll bring it forward in the world. Okay, so let's do a meditation together here. And again, wherever you are, take a moment to feel this as a pause and to find the posture that will support you in going inward. You might become aware of the breath and let the breath help collect you, bring you right here. And you might take a moment to see if there's any part of your body that wants to let go a little bit right now. And then let your attention go to any circumstances that bring up a real mistrust of yourself. Maybe you might, as I did, recognize a number ways that you feel like you fail others or your own standards for goodness. Or maybe there's something that just jumps out on what makes you mistrust yourself. It might be something that feels unacceptable, unforgivable, just bad. So choosing something and see if you can zoom in to imagine when your experience of that badness is being triggered. What are you doing? What are you thinking? How are you acting so that you can go right into that small self that is feeling bad, that's blaming yourself, insecure, feel separate, and to really notice what you're doing, what it is that has that sense of badness to it, and then see if you can investigate a little and sense underneath what drives that, what are you wanting or fearing that leads to acting in an addictive way or a hurtful way? What are you trying to experience or avoid? What is it most deeply? Are you trying to feel more safe, more worthy, more loved, more seen? See if you can find out how this behavior that feels bad is in some way an effort to try to feel better, more at home in the world. And as you keep paying attention, when you're judging, when you're mistrusting, when you're making yourself bad and wrong in some way, what's that like? How does it feel? You might sense how long you've been doing this, how long have you been turned against yourself in this way and what the impact has been on your life. And for me, it blocked intimacy to sense what's, what's true for you. How in different ways, mistrust makes it impossible to really feel at home in the world, to sense if that's true and for how long and Notice what it's like to see that suffering over a lifespan for some, for many, it can bring up a kind of soul sadness of how much life we've missed being turned on ourselves. And you might sense that you can call forward your most compassionate wise essence and in some way respond to the place in you that is hurting, that's vulnerable, that's caught in mistrust. I mean just sense what this place most needs from you right now. And you might, as we often do, put your hand on your heart as you do this and offer whatever message of care, of wisdom feels healing it might be. I'm here and not leaving. Trust your goodness. You're more than the imperfections. You are loved. You are loved. And if it helps, call in the presence of a being you trust, friend, family member, teacher, ancestor, spiritual figure. Let that being help to offer care and love inwardly widening the attention and sensing, holding this judge self with compassion, being the compassionate presence that's holding that, this tenderness, this awareness that's witnessing and holding this vulnerability that this is who you are. Sense this loving presence as more true than any story and sense in this moment what you most want to remember moving forward.
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It.
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A
So friends, this is a chance now to follow our meditation with some chance for questions those of you might have on the zoom call. So what I'm going to do and let me get this in front of me is get us all on gallery so I can see you. There we go. And I already see some hands. Yeah. So I'll just call on people. You will be spotlighted and to invite you to unmute yourself. And I see the name Tara Land and the hugsward, so that's so inviting you forward and you can share your name on also when you come. Yeah. Hi.
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C
Really glad to meet you today and it's the best time for me actually. You can call me Niche as my nickname, but Tara Land is like the name for the Bodhisattva who is like the T of the. I think you know it because your name is Tara and it's not really a coincidence. So I really have like issue of trust. And I, when I listened to your talk before, I really like your concept of spiritual reparenting because I kind of like taking care of my inner child. And I would like to know how can I practice, you know, trusting in the basic goodness with the two wings of, you know, the wisdom and compassion that are in me but like forgotten very often when it's like triggered by outer circumstances. How can you like practice to combat and trust very trust yeah.
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A
Well, thank you. Thank you for the lovely question. And I would wonder from you, I love that you brought in spiritual reparenting. And I wonder, is there something where you get in touch with mistrust and how do you work with spiritual reparenting? Like, can you give me a share what happens?
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C
I just like picture my inner child with like, like Ashley. It's like some kind of a doll and see the, picture the face and then I kind of like role play with it as a mother of the child. And I kind of like for, for the wisdom. I just see, see her as, you know, being afraid or being like not trusting. And I just kind of like sending the love and compassion and know that there are many children who are like feeling this, you know, all over the world. And I practice it with a little bit of like self tonglen. So I kind of like bring my breathing like with the awareness and then send breathing love to the, the inner children of the body.
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A
Beautiful. So take a moment right now to do that. Is that okay? Just to. This is such a beautiful practice. Just to feel where there is a young place inside that's mistrusting, that's doubtful, that's scared. And to bring. To feel that in the body, wherever it is, and just to bring that compassion, that caring and that wisdom that knows that there's no badness and let yourself actually feel the warmth and the light bathing that young place. So it's very real. Just the way a parent might hold a child so tenderly that what's communicated truly is love. And as you feel that, as you feel it really sincere, just sense that that wisdom and compassion, that loving presence is the truth of who you are. Let yourself inhabit that truth. That that's more the truth than the changing experiences of an inner child. That you are the spiritual parent. You are that heart space that's infinite, empty and awake. That's who you are. That's who we are. And we can hold all children in that space. Take your time. When you're ready to open your eyes and sense what you want to remember in this, what it, what feels important to you.
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C
I feel like more aware and there's some, some quotes that's coming up. Is that when I, I used to talk to Annie Payma Shira and when I'm not really, when I'm really lost and she said back to me, like, I have confidence in you and I think this sentence is really helpful when, when, when I'm like not in my place. So. Yeah, so maybe it's like a reminder.
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A
Exactly that you. The light and love is so clear. I see comes through you and, and it's natural.
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C
Yeah, I feel lighter.
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A
Yeah, yeah.
- [55:07]
C
And I actually bring what you. What you did in the first place. The breathing with, with this self tolerant practice. Like I'm breathing in and be aware of the. The inner child. And then when. And actually I'm connecting with my Tara and then when we breathe out, I'm like sending the mother love of Tara to my inner child others.
- [55:34]
A
That's beautiful. You're already on the path so deeply it's already happening. My only suggestion is when you do the spiritual reparenting, take your time to remember that that space of compassion and wisdom is who you are. Let the shift of identity be aware. Okay Right.
- [56:01]
C
Thank you so much.
- [56:06]
A
Thank you. Thank you. Okay, Mia, see you next.
- [56:19]
D
Is it me? That's so wonderful. Thank you for. I'm trying to see my. Do you hear me?
- [56:30]
A
Yes, we hear you.
- [56:31]
D
Well, okay, so I've been doing the rain meditations that I've been listening to for years. So thank you very much for being there in. Even here in Sweden. And when I do rain, you know, recognize, allow, investigate and nurture. I tend to. It hurts a lot when you. When I pick a topic and or experience and I wonder is how to then move on to the, to the steps when it's about investigate and is it hard for me the nurture part.
- [57:20]
A
So what I'm hearing is that as soon as you bring it up, there's a whole lot of pain. And so are you able to say this belongs?
- [57:33]
D
I think that's problematic to accept the pain.
- [57:42]
A
Then I think the next thing is if it's hard to accept that the pain's there, then the next thing is to be truthful and say this feels really hard to accept. This is a lot of pain and let that belong. Let the resistance, the feeling of too much say, okay, so this is natural too. So you're honoring that your system feels oppressed and that the intensity of it. The whole point is to keep staying with what's really true. So if you can't allow it, then say resistance is here and that belongs too. Say this resistance belongs.
- [58:28]
D
But what is the resistance? What is that? Why does it come so much resistance?
- [58:34]
A
So let me ask you that when you feel the pain, what stops you from allowing it?
- [58:45]
D
That feels overwhelming and painful. Like physically painful. That it, you know, comes anxiety and tears and. Yeah, and it's exhausting because I might, you know, have to be functional in the world and do stuff and take Care of my daughter and be able to function. And then if I allow all these feelings, I'm afraid that I will be so sensitive. Because the world is not really sensitive.
- [59:21]
A
That's right.
- [59:22]
D
So it's hard to be open and, you know, sensitive. And you work out in the world and like hardcore.
- [59:31]
A
Okay, so let me ask you to check this out. Do you mind closing your eyes for a moment? Are you okay with that? So if you close your eyes and this is for anyone that finds that the pain feels like so much and you don't want to go there. You just don't want to go there for many reasons. The world's not sensitive. It feels like overwhelming. So let yourself walk through that for a moment that you get in touch with where the. Notice where the places of real pain are, but also notice that sense of aversion to it. I don't want to go there. It's going to be too much. The fear of it being too much. And just let me know when you've gotten in touch with that. The fear of too much. And now what I invite you to do is put your hand on your heart and send a message to that fear. Thank you for trying to protect me. Just thank you for trying to protect me. That's it? Just that? And just notice what happens.
- [60:53]
D
Well, it feels good when you say it.
- [60:56]
A
Okay, have my voice in your head. It's okay. We can have each other's voices in each other's heads.
- [61:03]
D
Is that okay?
- [61:04]
A
Yes, it's totally fine. Thank you for trying to protect me. Yeah. And just what happens?
- [61:11]
D
But like, the rational mind asks questions like, how is the pain protecting me?
- [61:19]
A
No, but what you're thinking is the fear. You're fear, you're afraid to feel the pain. So instead of feeling the pain, you're in touch with the fear. That's saying, this is too much. So thank the fear for trying to protect you. You see what I'm saying?
- [61:37]
D
The fear is not dangerous like the, The. Because I've. Just because I fear it doesn't mean it's dangerous.
- [61:45]
A
When you. When the pain feels strong, there's a part of you that goes, I don't want to feel that. I'm scared to feel it. It's going to be overwhelming. Right? So you're. That's your resistance. And you're thanking your resistance. You're thanking your fear. You're saying, okay, I get it. You're trying to protect me from the pain. Okay, I get it. You try again inside you to feel the part of you that does not want to go there. That does not want to feel pain and honor that part. Okay. Thank you for trying to protect me. Just trying to protect you.
- [62:34]
D
Okay. I get it. It's. It's part of it belongs now.
- [62:41]
A
I understand exactly right. So here, this is the thing. This is for all of us. No matter what comes up, find a way to let it belong. And if what comes up is pain, okay, this belongs. If what comes up is, no, I can't even allow this pain, then what comes up is your resistance to the pain. Then let that belong. The more you can see and let be what comes up, the more you're going to uncover the real light and love. That's who you are. But you have to just keep starting right where you are. You can't race in front of it. You can't pretend you've allowed something and try to nurture because you haven't allowed it yet. Right. I can tell you understand. And I think you're on a really good. So go slow. Stay true to yourself.
- [63:32]
B
Thank you.
- [63:32]
A
Thank you.
- [63:33]
D
Thank you so much.
- [63:34]
A
Thank you. Yeah. Blessings, dear. Yeah. Okay. Christy. Hi.
- [63:51]
E
Thank you for offering this for all of us. So helpful. What I bump into or I hit is this place of numbness. And when I feel into that and it's. My part of my body is numb, half of my back is numb, and I'm getting work done, and I have a lot of the practices, and it just came from a Sufi weekend that was beautiful with dancing and prayer, and that's been a path of mine, and. And the natural goodness is so present. And I remember that I have a nar. I shouldn't say I have my. My mother is narcissistic. And the patterning for me that I'm unlearning is, you know, that there's everything wrong with me, that I'm damaged goods and I should be ashamed of myself. And then I owe everybody and everything always an apology for being who I am.
- [64:53]
A
So.
- [64:56]
E
When I feel into that, like, layer, it's like a wall that I, I. There's fear present of me believing that more when I drop into. Feels very painful. And I've disconnected from her. And she's 90, and she'll die sometimes in the next year or two and. Or whenever. And there's judgment that I am not more evolved to be able to connect with her. There's. There's also fear of having that just really feeling the pain because she's told family members who I am, and it's all bad and all stories and sound Kind. And I have compassion for her, and I was very close and caretaking of her, but also really lost myself in that process. That was kind of what was required. So it was always, always, always about her.
- [66:05]
A
So let me pause for a moment, just a moment, because what I'm hearing is that there's numbness.
- [66:13]
E
Yes.
- [66:14]
A
There's also a sense of believing the stories, and there's also a sense of really deep judgment for not being able to be with her and a lot of pain in the history of when you tried. And I want to ask you, if you just check in with your heart, what of those things feels like it's most asking for your attention right now? And just check in. Is it the numbness? Is it the believing, deep believing in the stories of the badness? Is it the judgment and guilt around being with your mother right now? What's most calling for attention?
- [66:58]
E
It's the numbness because it prevents me from moving forward into deeper connection with myself.
- [67:06]
A
And when you ask the numbness, see if you can just sense where numbness lives. Even though it's numb, it still has a kind of perceivable presence. And when you just get in touch with it in some way, some expression of the numbness, and ask it, what are you trying to do for me? What are you trying to do for me?
- [67:47]
E
It says it's trying to stop me.
- [67:50]
A
From going further down that path, down the path of.
- [67:55]
E
I guess it's like self judgment, self hatred.
- [67:59]
A
Right. So it's trying to help you let go of that stuff. It's trying to help you not continue. Now, every part of us is trying to help, but not always in a wise way. That's okay. They're trying. So just take a moment, and this is as much as we can do right now, Christy. But take a moment to. If it helps to put your hand on your heart or on your cheek, but in some way, touch yourself kindly and sense the numbness and let it know, you know it's trying to help, that this is love in its own expression. Love is loving you. Love is trying to help. It's just misguided right now. So let it know you know that. Just notice what happens.
- [69:19]
B
Yeah.
- [69:21]
E
A lot of tenderness and a lot of grief.
- [69:26]
A
You can trust that tenderness and grief, they're both part of the waking up. I know you know that. So thank you, my friend. Thank you. Yeah. Greg Emmans.
- [69:45]
B
Thank you. How are you?
- [69:48]
A
I'm doing well, thank you. How are you doing?
- [69:51]
B
I'm doing. I'm doing okay. Sorry, I'm Jumping in a little late, and I just thought I'd raise my hand to give you some quick back story. I ran over our family dog about a week and a half ago. We've got three young kids. My wife and kids were in the car. It was really traumatic. So I'm just kind of still processing all of it. Thank. Thank you for so much of your teachings. The last week and a half would have been unbearable without them, but there's. There's lots of layers and dynamics to this, but I'm carrying quite a bit of guilt, shame, and then also just hurting for my kids, my wife, and also hurting for my dog who, you know, we had to put down a few days ago. So that's just kind of where things are.
- [71:04]
A
Oh, my dear. I'm so sorry. I can go inside that one and get it.
- [71:13]
B
Yeah. And I think in the spirit of trying to find beauty in all things, I've gained, maybe earned more empathy for pet owners. I. I never understood it. I never understood it until now.
- [71:35]
A
How deep the bonds.
- [71:39]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just the love, the energy that they bring to the family is so deep and profound in a way that I just never, never knew. And so, yeah, it's. It's been a lot to process.
- [72:01]
A
Let me ask you a question. As part of you moving through this, is there anything you sense that will help you, that will be a very. Have integrity and be good in your process? That. I mean, is there anything that you feel like you need right now?
- [72:28]
B
I think understanding and love. And I'm thankful. I have a wonderful few friends that have really stepped up for me and so just feeling their love and seeing them step up for me and has been really, really meaningful. I have fears, though, and I have a history of having a hard time forgiving myself. And so I. I have a fear that that's something that's going to take some time and that that one stands out to me, you know, above and beyond. Like I've been pouring all my energy into.
- [73:14]
A
Yeah.
- [73:15]
B
Into my kids and my wife and doing all that I can to make sure that they process this in a healthy way as possible. So.
- [73:27]
A
Well, let me. Let me ask you a question about what you just said. What would you have to really know and trust to forgive yourself.
- [73:44]
B
That my intention, obviously not to everyone over the dog. On the same hand, though, I. I feel like it be kind of not true to not take some accountability and that, you know, I've replayed it enough. I. I do accept that there was a level of carelessness. I. I had the option to. To stop the car, I just kept going through and I even went through slowly because I pulled in a hundred other times. He was a two year old dog, but he's always, you know, he's always gotten out of the way. Always vehicles coming in and out. And that doesn't probably answer your question, but.
- [74:38]
A
Well. But what I'm hearing you say is where your mind is focusing is how you could have been different and maybe should have been different. Which of course argues with reality that we have many, many moments where we space out or not as mindful. And so that's what happened. And this deep. It's deeply sad that this moment ended up having such consequences and your heart's holding that. The best to say right now for me is that judging ourselves blocks the fullness of grieving and it blocks the fullness of being able to love and connect elsewhere. So for the sake of your family, just have the intention, the prayer to forgive. You cannot will forgiveness, but you can be willing and let it be. Really let your wisdom know that it's for the benefit of the whole system, your whole beloved family. Just let it be your prayer. Just that there's a lot of power to it.
- [75:56]
B
Yeah, I feel that connect. Yeah.
- [76:03]
A
Okay. Dear heart is with you. And I have a feeling there are many, many hearts holding a space. It's like I said, I get it. Yeah.
- [76:14]
B
Love you all.
- [76:16]
A
Thank you. Blessings. Come back to gallery view here, friends. We are. We're ending. It's a sad way and it's okay. This belongs to. And I think that if in this moment, everything in. In us can sense the different currents that are here, the currents of the sorrows and the regrets and the currents of what we love about this life and are beautiful. And what I want to invite you to do over the next week or so, and we'll be following up on this particular theme, is in the moments that spontaneously you sense some of what I call the gold, which could be the tenderness of grief. Because there's a inside grief that come. There's love that Greg would not feel what he feels if it wasn't for great love for his pup, for his family. Inside grief is love. So letting those currents be there, the currents of sorrow for our world, our world's in really tough shape to let that grief be there and to let the wonder at the beauty of this world be there and the gratitude for the blessings that we have and any moment of love or presence that arises, pause. Because the more you get familiar with the gold, with the goodness the more it calls it forward. And it'll help you look at each other in this world with eyes that, as Merton says, sees the divine shining through. So that's the invitation, and we'll close. And I'd like to have anyone that's listening live stream feel a part of this. Although it's going to be. You're going to have to imagine more in the field, because I'm going to invite those on Zoom to actually take some moments and let your attention settle on one person and look to see the goodness shining through. And for those of you that aren't on Zoom to bring somebody to mind. So just taking some moments, let your attention settle and just see what I sometimes think of as the love light, the consciousness, the beingness, the same awareness that's looking through our eyes, looking back and sense your wish. May you trust the goodness, may you trust that. And then one other person to look at. Now I'm scrolling. I'm going to different. Yeah, there we go. Just look into those eyes, seeing the goodness, the light, the care. May you trust. May you trust this is who you are. And then widening to sense all of us, all of us that are here right now in time, all of us beyond this time and space. And since our collective prayer that we all learn to see and trust and live from that basic goodness of heart and spirit, may it help this world towards justice and compassion and peace. Namaste, friends. It's really a pleasure to be with you in this live way, and I look forward to being together again. Blessings.