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The phase of feeling separate and grasping that way that we move through life. I want, I need holding on as a habit we develop. And also to look at generosity as a habit. And that every habit that is developed can be either strengthened or it can be loosened. And that one way to conceive the spiritual path is that we have this habit of grasping. And the more awake we are, the more we see it and see its suffering, the more we loosen the grip and begin to naturally cultivate and strengthen the act of generosity. So generosity is a habit. And when I talk about habits, I'm going to actually talk about them as really well grooved feedback systems where there's a cue. For instance, with generosity, the cue is the sense of this longing to express our love. And then there's this action where we look for ways, these opportunities to give to others or to express our thanks. And then the feedback system, the reward is that makes us feel better and that keeps the loop going. Then we want to give more. So generosity begats generosity. The more we give, the more we want to give. It's also interesting that generosity brings out, it's contagious. Do you know what it's like when you're with somebody that's really giving and gives you something and wants to offer you their care or their goods or whatever it is? There is something in us that just, it kind of dissolves all the self protective stuff and we want to give back. It's just this natural, contagious experience. So there is a habit, a feedback loop that comes with generosity. And one of the main experiences that we start noticing is that there's a sense of enough underlying it that if you interview someone who's generous, you're going to find that there's not only it sometimes could be called non grasping, but there's that well being of feeling that I have enough. I remember hearing this story. Somebody did some research in Appalachia, and he came upon an impoverished elderly woman. And she was living in a tiny shack with dirt floors, no heat and no plumbing. And he asked the woman, this researcher, what would you do if someone came along and gave you some money to help you out? And she rocked in her chair and shook her head, and finally she said, I guess I would give it to the poor. So there is something really, again, if we are looking at what is behind generosity, what is behind the habit of it? What enables us to be generous? There is that sense of fullness. One of my favorite descriptions of it is Kurt Vonnegut wrote a. Wrote a poem, kind of verse, whatever you call it, in the New Yorker some years ago. And I'll read it to you. It's called Joe Heller. He's. By the way, you might remember Joe Heller as the writer of Catch 22. Okay, okay. Here's Kurt Vonnegut's words. He says, true story, word of honor, Joe Heller, an important and funny writer, now dead, and I were at a party given by a billionaire on Shelter Island. I said, joe, how does it make you feel to know that our host only yesterday may have made more money than your novel Catch 22 has earned in its entire history? And Joe said, I've got something he can never have. And I said, what on earth could that be, Joe? And Joe said, the knowledge that I've got enough. Not bad. Rest in peace, Kurt Vonnegut. So if we look at the habit of grasping, which is, you know, again, developmentally, we all have some of it in us. And the more we look at it and understand it, the less it grabs us. Just like that loop with generosity that keeps generating more, there's a grasping loop. And underneath, the grasping loop is not enough. It's a sense of something's missing. It's a sense that I'm separate, I'm incomplete, something's missing in me. Something's wrong with you, something's wrong with life. But there's a sense of not enough. Something's missing, need more. And so the cue is wanting to feel better, wanting relief, wanting to fill what's missing. There's that cue that we get with grasping, wanting something. And then the action is to grasp onto food or another person or an idea or whatever it is. And it wouldn't be a habit if there weren't temporary relief or good feelings from it. We get something okay, but then as you know, it's never enough. And so the not enough need more, something's missing, cues us again and then we have to go after it more. Not only that, there's a secondary, a second arrow that happens which is that grasping reinforces a sense of I'm not okay. Deep down we don't like ourselves for grasping. So that starts to fuel it too. So it becomes a very, it's a very deeply grooved pattern. So if we look a little closer at the beliefs that are underneath grasping and you can just think of it as, it's kind of the egoic self's perception of scarcity, that I'm not enough, I need to be more. There's not enough love or resources or approval out there. I need to grab onto it. It's a grasping and often it has to do with takes place of trying to fill what's missing with consuming and with goods of some sort. Some of you might remember that line, executive quits fast track to have more time with his possessions. And as we know, there's definite consequences to this if we get a developmental arrest and we don't go beyond the grasping phase where we're me, me, me, I need more. Well, we can see what happens with societies when there's more power and there's more intellect behind it. But the grasping leads to creating tremendous destruction in our world. John Stewart kind of wrapped it up this way. He said, I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house. We had an enormous feast and then I killed them and took their land. It's terrible and funny, right? I mean, let's just say it like that, right? It's horrible and it's. Yeah, so, but isn't it the truth? I mean, look at what we're celebrating with Thanksgiving. We know the history behind it, you know, the horror that came with the first people that were here. We know that out of fear and out of grasping, we live in a very destructive place. And so there is ever ongoing warfare in competition for what seems to be scarce resources. There is some insane commitment to an eternally growing economy. Like somehow or other we're supposed to keep growing our economy and consuming more. And when there is grasping, there's a kind of cut off from our body and the earth body. So there's a destruction of the earth that doesn't quite register in the psyche. And of course as we know it, in a similar way, the suffering of getting a developmental arrest in the grasping phase does the same thing to our own bodies. When we are grasping, we disconnect. We are not listening to what we really need with grasping. So we overdo or underdo. We don't really give ourselves care. We just stuff ourselves otherwise. So you can see it in perhaps the most basic way when we are grasping, whether it is after food or another person, or getting somewhere on time, this energy of pursuing and clutching blocks our heart. You can feel it when you're chasing after something, when you're wanting more of something, when there's any agenda with another person, there's not a tenderness and receptivity in the heart. When the wanting fear mix is in the body, the heart is cut off some so we can watch it. The more the grasping, the more there is with our relationships with others, the more we have an agenda, the more there is manipulation in some way. If we have an agenda with another person, there is going to be. We are going to try to control them to be how we want them to be. If you been with me at another Thanksgiving, you might remember this story. It's one of my favorite examples of this. And there's a man in Phoenix, an older man calls his son New York, and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. 45 years of misery is enough. And the son screams at him, pop, what are you talking about? You can't do that. And he says, we can't stand the sight of each other anymore. So call your sister in Chicago and tell her. He hangs up. So this younger man calls his sister and tells her. And she goes, like hell they are. I'm going to call him. I'll be back to you. I'll take care of this. So she calls her father and she starts screaming at him and says, you're not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get back there. Both my brother and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, you don't do a thing. Do you hear me? She hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. Okay, he says, they're coming for Thanksgiving and they're paying their own way. So the point of these examples and stories are that grasping and aversion go together. You can see them together. And inherent in grasping is, I need something different. I need you to be different. I need something more. And often it's that you're not enough. In relationships where they're grasping, it's like, I want you. I want you to pay more attention to me. I want you to Be a certain way. There's often, along with grasping, a deep judgment. You're not okay as you are. So the suffering of grasping is separation, that it creates more separation. The habit of grasping creates more separation. A woman I heard about, she told me, because she was volunteering at a hospice, described being with another woman who had cancer and had a short time to live. She had a large tumor on her tongue, could barely talk, but she loved to talk and she wanted to have a conversation. So she'd talk a little and this woman would visit with her and be with her. And one day she came back and the woman was sitting up on the edge of her bed and she was dressed and she was about to go home. Her story a few nights passed. She had had the worst nightmare of her life. And she dreamt that the staff at the hospice had told her that she was the next to die. So she Woke up at 4 o' clock in the morning, paralyzed with fear and God, no, no, I cannot die. I am not ready. And then she was flooded with this sense of separation, not only from God, but from her husband because of all the resentment she had been carrying ever since bringing up their children. He was never doing enough. He was never the man that she wanted him to be. And she had this flash of realization, it's not my time. So she said, I need to speak and I need to let him know I love him. So over the next two days, the tumor shrunk so she could leave and she could have enough time to speak with him, to let him know that she loved him, to really speak from her true self. And then she was able to return to the hospice and die peacefully. So to hold back our love is probably the deepest suffering that when we are having an agenda that others be different. And rather than this habit of the generosity and the appreciation, it's like you are not who you are supposed to be. The biggest pain of it is that our hearts aren't free in those moments. Now, grasping for many of us is not always as obvious as a really big agenda that others be a certain way. Sometimes the grasping is really that we just don't have the sense that there's not enough time. And we're grasping after time and doing things. And that keeps us from being in the moment and more generous with our attention. Does that resonate for you? This kind of, I've got to do this, I've got to do that. I can't just really, the deepest generosity is offering our presence. I can't offer that. And busyness this grasping onto our busyness and speed, which is probably the biggest addiction and grasping of our culture, is probably one of the biggest ways we create separation from each other, that we can't pause. We can't pause and really offer our hearts. One of my favorite examples or stories of this one that gets me. I share it because it really affects me, is the Good Samaritan study that was conducted at Princeton some years back. And some of you might remember, the Sumerians were given the assignment. They were given a practice sermon, and half of them were given a random Bible story, and the other half were given the assignment to do a sermon on the Good Samaritan. Okay, so that was a setup. And the Sumerians were then supposed to go to another building and give their sermon and be evaluated. Now, on the way to that other building, they passed a person in doorway who was moaning in distress. So the real question for the study was, would the seminarians stop to help? And that was determined by how much time they thought they had before they had to give their sermon. If they believed, they would be late. They didn't stop to help even if they were about to give a sermon on the Good Samaritan. Now, I think that's a really powerful study, and it speaks to all of us that we can deeply value helping, deeply value being caring and kind to other people. And. And if we are clutching around time, around getting something done, and how many of us are doing that? A lot of us, that clutching and fear overrides, that habit of clutching, overrides our heart's natural capacity for generosity, for pausing. And I share that, because what it tells us is that while our capacity for generosity is innate, it requires attention, it requires a deliberate cultivation, which is why we are taking time with it tonight. So the big question is, when we are caught in the habit of grasping around time or having agendas with other people, how do we move that, evolve that, wake ourselves up to freeing our hearts so we can really cultivate more of the habit of generosity? And I thought I'd share a story with you. A woman I worked with a number of years ago who came in because she had this yearning to be what she considered a better person, but deep down, be who she was. She felt like she was a naturally loving person, but she felt completely blocked up. And what she described was that when she was younger, she was much more joyful, and she was into swing dancing around here. We have this in Cap and John, we have some great swing dancing that goes on. She was into swing dancing, but Something happened that she. And sometimes this happens. There's a window where we get into our early 20s or whatever it is, and she started overeating and getting self conscious and shutting down actually started more like when she was 19. So she, her grasping was around food. I mean, she just used food to kind of fill, you know, soothe some anxiety. And also in her relationships, her friendships, and her, you know, different attempts to have intimacy. The basic theme was a kind of a neediness and wanting people to be a certain way and wanting to get a certain amount of attention and then driving people away and then feeling a sense of huge shame and loneliness. So she would do cycles of that. So that's the setup that she came really saying, you know, I'm caught, I'm kind of addicted and I don't feel free. And so the beginning, the first step really was for her to recognize the suffering in the grasping. That we can't begin to loosen the grip until we sense that the ways that we're pursuing things, whether it's getting things done or eating more or having people be the way we want them to be, that, that very pursuit and the tension of that pursuit is blocking off our hearts. So the first step was just to see and acknowledge the suffering of the habit she was in. And that seeing came with a really. The response to that was to begin to offer herself some kindness. She had to, for this person. This often happens with addiction. Really forgive the addiction, just sense the pain that was underneath it. And so I often share the mantra, I'm sorry and I love you. And for her that was really just to all that craving and grasping. She had to keep on saying, I'm sorry and I love you, I'm sorry and I love you. And then just to deepen it so that it was just a very pure kind of kindness towards yourself. I sometimes consider this a spiritual reparenting. It's like whatever was missing early on that made her have this window open up that started the real addictive behavior. She was beginning to offer it inward. So just to frame it a little differently for you, she was responding to grasping by being generous to herself. She was offering presents to herself. And that is the beginning of the turnaround, that you sense the grasping, you sense the addictiveness. And the response is not to then blame and keep on fueling the cycle, but rather it is like, oh, offer kindness. She also joined a 12 step program. And so she was forgiving with herself, but she actually became a sponsor that was very, very much sought after in a way because she really helped other people get the knack of forgiving themselves for addiction, which is really big because I have never seen anybody really heal from an addictive behavior unless there is a profound. If you don't like the word forgiveness, a profound self compassion has to be there. So both her giving to herself and then her helping others to practice that kind of forgiveness was the beginning of very different kind of relationships with people and was beginning really the habit of generosity. She was being generous with herself and generous with others. And she started dancing again. That's the other thing I wanted to tell you and I want. This is a quote from Rumi that was one of her favorites that I've had in my files ever since. Find the real world give it endlessly away Grow rich flinging gold to all who ask Live at the empty heart of paradox I'll dance with you cheek to cheek Find the real world give it endlessly away Grow rich flinging gold to all who ask Live at the empty heart of paradox I'll dance with you cheek to cheer. There's something so beautiful, you know, in the Buddhist teachings, if you had to ask for a nutshell, summary of the Buddhist teachings, it's cling to nothing whatsoever, just let go. And generosity is kind of a positive way of expressing that. When we're not clinging, there's this natural outflow. Just give it away, give it away. And with that a joy that our whole spirit lights up. It's like our whole spirit is danc. We know it when we're in that mode. When there's that sense of enough that's joyful. You might want for yourself, just take a moment and reflect. I like to kind of pause and give you a chance to see what's relevant for you in your lives. And you might on this Thanksgiving eve, just sense a relationship you'd like to nourish, where you'd like to have more of that habit of generosity. Perhaps a relationship where you're aware how there's some grasping. Maybe you have an agenda where you want that person, something from that person, a certain change behavior, affirmation. Or maybe it's a relationship where, you know, you get distracted by the pressure of doing other things, what needs to get done. So this would be a relation, this would be a relationship where you'd really want to be a little more agenda free. And just take a moment to notice where there is grasping, where there is an agenda, where there is some of that pressure, inner pressure without any judgment, just to notice it. Sense this is just you can trust that if you can see it, you begin to free it. And you might even offer a gesture of care to the place in you that has been living with an agenda or in some ways been creating separation. Just some gesture of care. So you're beginning with some generosity towards your own being, some kindness. However you sense yourself creating separation, just a forgiving quality of the heart. If you can begin that way with care towards yourself, you are setting the grounds to be generous towards that other person. And you might be curious as to what way a natural extension of generosity could emerge. You might be curious how you might feel more free and what you might offer to that person by way of presence and love. And we are going to come back to this reflection in a bit. But just to say that wherever in your life you are wanting to feel more free and more giving, it is a deliberate practice. I mean, there's one writer described it that have three unscheduled acts of generosity a day. Just have that intention that you're going to be looking for an opportunity and plan to in some way know you're going to respond to that in some way respond to a situation with a generous act. Heard one story of a kindly priest who saw a little boy jumping up and down trying to ring a doorbell. So he walks up to the little boy and he presses it for him and he says, now what? The little boy says, run like hell. So you never know what spontaneous generosity will bring. So a story for you. A generosity story. When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember Will the polished old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother used to talk to it. Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was Information Please. And there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply anybody's number and the correct time. My first personal experience with this genie in the bottle came one day when my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer. The pain was terrible, but there didn't seem to be any reason in crying because there was no one at home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger. Finally arrived in the stairway. The telephone. Quickly I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear. Information Please I said to the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small, clear voice spoke into my ear. Information. I hurt my finger. I wailed into the phone. The tears came readily enough now that I had an audience. Isn't your mother home? Came the question. Nobody's home but me, I blubbered. Are you bleeding? No. I hit my finger with a hammer and it hurts. Can you open your ice box? She asked. I said I could. Then chip off a little piece of ice and hold it to your fingers, said the voice. After that I called Information, Please for everything. I asked her for help with my geography and she told me where Philip Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before would eat fruits and nuts. Then there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called Information, Please and told her the sad story. She listened, then said the usual things grown ups say to soothe a child, but I was unconsoled. I asked her, why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a ca? She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, paul, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in. Somehow I felt better. Another day I was on the telephone. Information, please. Information now, said the familiar voice. How do you spell fix? I asked. All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. When I was nine year old, we moved across the country to Boston. I miss my friend very much. Information Police belonged in that old wooden box back home, and somehow I never thought of trying the tall, shiny new phone that sat in the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity, I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciate, appreciated now, how patient, understanding, and generous she was to have spent her time on a little boy. A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane touched down in Seattle. I had about a half hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister who lived there now, and without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, information, please. Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well. Information. I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, could you please tell me how to spell fix? There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer. I guess your finger must have healed by now I laughed. So it's really still you, I said. I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time. I wonder, she said, if you know how much your calls meant to me. I've never had any children. I used to look forward to your calls. I told her how often I thought of her over the years and asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister. Please do, she said. Ask for Sally. Three months later, I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered. Information. I asked, for Sally. Are you a friend? She asked. Yes, a very old friend, I answered. I'm sorry to have to tell you this. She said Sally had been working part time the last few years because she was sick. She died a few weeks ago. Before I could hang up, she said, wait a minute. Is your name Paul? Yes. Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you. The note says. Tell him I still say there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean. I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant. Never underestimate the impression the way you touch others lives. The reason that that every time I read that the story touches me so is that we don't really recognize the way that we affect each other. Everyone we meet wants to be seen and loved on some level, and everyone we meet has a depth of vulnerability. And if there was a way that we could slow down and offer each other what each person is seeking, that loving presence, our world truly would be a joyful, peaceful place. So there is a kind of dedication in cultivating generosity, where we actually consider it, consider what we want to do, offer ourselves, and then actually take pleasure in the offering. The Buddha taught this. He said that not only should we cultivate the spirit of generosity, it talked about reflecting on the good things we've done and taking delight in that. In other words, recalling our acts of generosity. There's a In Sri Lanka, children, when they first go to school, get something called a merit book. The word is puna potaka. Josh Korda, an American teacher, wonderful guy, talks about how he says that if the students kept up with the practice of writing regularly in their merit book, what they would do is they put in whenever they did something generous, something kind. It says eventually, over the course of a lifetime, these journals would be filled with good deeds. And naturally the years passed and the time would arrive when the student became old and sick and having reached their deathbeds, their family members and friends Would gather around and read their merit books back to them as a way to put their minds at ease as they face death. It's interesting to sense, well, how is it that that would put our minds at ease? But when you really reflect, it's when you remember the giving and the kindness. You're actually remembering who you are when your heart is awake and free. And that's a remembrance that connects you with really a timeless quality of being. You can really trust who you are as spirit. And so the death, the coming and going of these bodies just the way information, please put it, that there's other worlds to sing in. You sense a kind of timeless, loving presence that you belong to that makes room for life and death. So we begin to deepen our capacity for generosity. As we actually intentionally give to others, as we intentionally give to ourselves, and as we intentionally give thanks. There's one book I read called Learning to Fall. Philip Simmons, and he writes this. He describes being in a raspberry patch. He says, standing in the berry patch. When I attend to the smallest things. When I attend to the smallest things. When I hand myself over to moss or mushroom, berry or beetle, I myself shrink to vanishing. This isn't as bad as it sounds, however. In fact, it's the reason we do such things. Anyone who spent time on her knees in a berry patch or flower bed Comes to see this attention to small things. Things as a form of prayer. A way of vanishing for one sweet hour into whatever crumbs of creation we are privileged to take into our hands. So tonight we have really been exploring. Is recognizing the habit of how we create separation. The old habits of grasping onto what we want. Thinking, I need more, not enough trying to manage other people. And this gradual shift where we more and more sense that and sense the suffering of it. And then in that offer kindness to ourself. And then there is this natural opening. The space opens up where we begin to feel our thanks for the beauty of these branches that are silhouetted against the November gray sky. And the gratitude for the beings in our life and for our breath, the simple things. So I would like to close on that note. We will just take a few moments to do a reflection. Take a moment as you pause right now to feel yourself arriving. Let your senses be awake. Beginning the reflection with the person you might have been bringing to mind earlier. That you'd like to feel more of a flow of generosity with. To just appreciate that that's your intention. Just to offer to your own being some appreciation, To sense the other, Sense what you appreciate about this other person, his or her goodness, his or her brightness, how he or she appears when happy, the humor that's there, just the beingness. How this person shows love. And take a moment to sense tomorrow, the next day, whenever you're together, some way that you might be generous, some way you might offer and express your loving. For some, it might be the phone call we haven't made. For some it might be words, it might be a hug, it might be doing something for this person, It might be mirroring this person's goodness in some way, letting them know. But whatever you're imagining that you might do, imagine and sense the impact. Sense this person being touched. And as you feel your appreciation for this person in the most simple way, you might mentally whisper thank you. Thank you for being thank you for the loving connection that's in between us and our life. Thank you. And then letting the space of heart widen and include another person, just bringing to mind someone else that matters to you. And again, just seeing their eyes, seeing what they this person looks like when loving or when happy, You might again just mentally whisper thank you. And just continue in these next few moments of silence, letting beings in your life come to mind, sensing what you appreciate and see what happens when you just whisper thank you. Let your heart whisper thank you. It. Sensing that heart space that's grateful, that's thankful as being vast, radiant, timeless sense how inclusive that heart space is. That thank you to this living universe. How inclusive and also how particular and immediate this is. Mary Oliver will close with her words. So every day. So every day I was surrounded by the beautiful crying forth of the ideas of God, one of which was you. So every day. So every day I was surrounded by the beautiful crying forth of the ideas of God, one of which was you. May we all be blessed to give thanks to the beauty of our own hearts, to each other, to this living universe. Namaste.
