#4655 Kumon Feel The Noise

Summary

TBTL Episode #4655: “Kumon Feel The Noise”

Date: February 3, 2026
Hosts: Luke Burbank & Andrew Walsh

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Overview

This episode of TBTL finds Luke and Andrew in classic form, bouncing from absurd restaurant banter to deep dives on hyperlocal Seattle geography, musing over corporate mergers, pop culture quirks, and, of course, animal oddities and the minutiae of everyday life. Highlights include Kumon logo analysis, a near-miss confrontation with teens, musings on penguin existentialism, and some robust theorizing about backing into parking spaces. The episode is rich in both surreal humor and relatable anxieties.

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Main Discussion Points and Insights

1. Absurd Restaurant Skit (00:00–01:51)

• The show opens with a comedic restaurant sketch featuring “Johnny,” whose over-quirky menu confounds Andrew and Luke (“Would you like your slamburger in a traditional sesame bun, a taco, French toast, or rolled in naan?” – Johnny, 00:37).
• The concept of "double down" meals and “lobsterating” orders sets a tone of hyperbolic fun.

2. Life Updates and Corporate Shenanigans (04:12–05:57)

• Andrew updates on an impending merger: AT&T acquiring CenturyLink, delivered via a “good news” marketing email that promises “nothing will change.”
• Luke mocks the trend of monopolization:
  “If we could just get it so every company in America is one company, I think that would serve us, the consumers, nicely.” (Luke, 05:15)
• This leads to riffing on bundling services ("lobster on top"), poking fun at corporate doublespeak.

3. Seattle Bar Geo-Confusion and the Kumon Paradox (06:06–11:20)

• The hosts spiral into a detailed—and very TBTL—discussion of now-defunct Seattle bars, card rooms, and their reincarnations (“the Hideaway,” “Aurora Borealis,” “Kumon”), with much confusion about which site became what.
• Andrew shares a story about “illegally” dumping shrimp in a dumpster, which segues into their anxieties and habits around finding emergency bathrooms and unlocked dumpsters.
• Kumon’s odd logo—a confused face—baffles both, as do questions about what Kumon actually is.
  “I find the logo for Kumon to be really odd. It is a confused child...I guess the idea is if you have a confused child, bring them to Kumon.” (Luke, 15:00)

4. Kumon, Chris Fleming, and Modern Comedy (15:38–22:07)

• Andrew associates “Kumon” with a Chris Fleming bit—leading to discussion of Fleming’s style and other contemporary comedians.
• Luke shares admiration for Fleming, Stavros Halkias, and Caleb Hearon as his “Rushmore of funny people.”
• A recurring bit: referencing the unexplainable popularity of certain bits in both child-rearing and culture (e.g., “bikini Kumon”).

5. Fashion, Age, and the Scary Power of Teens (22:08–29:48)

• Luke recounts a moment when he almost alienated Portland teens by commenting on the “ineffectiveness” of sagging, JNCO-style jeans after one tripped (“I can't imagine the pants are helping.” – Luke, 24:31).
• The generational anxiety around teens is explored: “Is there anything scarier than a group of teens?” (Luke, 22:47) “Youth scare me, particularly.” (Andrew, 22:43)
• Luke’s self-awareness about potential pitfalls of “dad humor” and the complexities of commenting on youth fashion, especially across racial lines, is discussed.

6. Avanti Markets, Self-Checkout, and Workplace Snacks (29:48–44:47)

• Luke and Andrew muse on the Avanti Market, a self-checkout workplace snack shop, and the dubious “security is for your protection” signage.
• Luke jokes about the ease of stealing, likening TBTL’s “honor system” donor model to Avanti’s: “This is the Avanti Market of podcasting.” (Luke, 45:16)
• They’re agog to learn of a brick-and-mortar Avanti Markets corporate office in Renton, Washington (43:28), envisioning a TBTL event there.

7. Donor Thanks and Adventures in Global Weather (45:00–52:10)

• They thank donors, marveling at TBTL’s international reach (Kristen in Australia, Brian in Woodinville, Jeffrey in NYC, Dave & Aaron in Edmonds, Matthew in Illinois, Eric in Seattle).
• A detour into New York’s “360-degree selfie camera” scene and the prevalence of Alicia Keys/Jay-Z’s “Empire State of Mind,” plus a story about leaving a Jay-Z concert just before the feature song (54:38).

8. Animal News: Alcatraz Coyote & Penguin Existentialism (57:12–70:07)

• Coyote Swims to Alcatraz:
  • The coyote’s perilous swim raises questions about animal fortitude, nature’s course, and the implications for local wildlife.
  • “Does it just become Coyote Island now? Isn’t that just nature doing nature?” (Luke, 59:17)
• Werner Herzog, The Nihilist Penguin:
  • Andrew introduces a moving clip narrated by Herzog about a penguin wandering into Antarctica’s interior, presumably to its death (“Is there such thing as insanity among penguins?” – Herzog, 62:09).
  • The segment stirs existential sadness: “Nature help them. See, this is the thing. We take it as a given that we can't mess with nature at all. But in this case, how could it be worse for this penguin than what it was going to do to itself?” (Luke, 65:52)
• They each share personal stories of penguin-themed tchotchkes, cementing penguins as sentimental mascots.

9. Classic TBTL: Miscellaneous Games and Listener Emails (34:20–79:12)

• Andrew shares his insomnia game: listing actors with matching initials (e.g., Bob Balaban, Parker Posey, Susan Sarandon).
• Discussion of deleted scenes from “Waiting for Guffman,” including Bob Odenkirk’s vampire audition—deep cuts for movie aficionados.
• Listener Dan calls from a Sky Zone parking lot with observations about the (often coded) culture of backing into parking spaces with trucks—especially in angled lots, reinforcing Luke’s trope about “back-in energy” being conservative-coded (74:25).
• Andrew expounds: “I just think that it makes sense in a lot of cases. But it really doesn't seem to make sense in an angled spot like that because it would be so much harder to do.” (Andrew, 76:54)
• They connect this to political identity, truck ownership, and even penguin metaphors for empathy.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On the Kumon Logo (15:00):

  • “It is a confused child. The O of Kumon is a confused child. I guess the idea is, if you have a confused child, bring them to Kumon and we will teach them how to be less confused. So I guess it's sort of a proof of concept.” – Luke

• On the Perils of Addressing Teens (24:31):

  • “Are you okay?...I can't imagine the pants are helping.” – Luke, reliving his awkward attempt at dad humor

• On Existential Animal Suffering (65:52):

  • “How could it be worse for this penguin than what it was going to do to itself?” – Luke, after watching the Herzog 'nihilist penguin' clip

• On Truck Culture and Political Coding (76:47):

  • “The coding that Luke brings up, one of them had a ball cap in the dashboard that said make prayer great again...It just always makes me a little nervous.” – Listener Dan

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Most Memorable Moments

• Restaurant Sketch (00:00–01:51):
  The intense wackiness of the “double down” and “lobsterate” options sets the comedic mood.

• Kumon Logo Philosophizing (15:00–16:49):
  The hosts’ bewilderment at Kumon’s branding—the confused O—leads to a permanent in-joke.

• Luke’s Teen Fashion Blunder (24:31–29:48):
  The tense, poignant mini-story of a dad-age man misreading the social cues of teens.

• Werner Herzog and the Nihilist Penguin (62:09–65:52):
  An unexpectedly deep emotional wallop as they ponder animal consciousness and the limits of “letting nature be.”

• Listener Dan’s Back-In Report (74:25–76:47):
  Real-world confirmation of TBTL’s parking theories—trucks, flags, and all.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00–01:51: Absurd restaurant banter (“lobsterate,” “slamburgers”)
• 04:12–05:57: Corporate merger goofing (AT&T/CenturyLink)
• 06:06–11:20: Seattle bar/casino geo-confusion; dumpster stories
• 15:00–16:49: Kumon logo confoundment
• 18:28–19:27, 21:49–22:07: Chris Fleming, modern stand-up
• 22:08–29:48: The scary power of groups of teens; fashion trouble
• 29:48–44:47: Avanti Market theory; honor-system and snack theft
• 45:00–52:10: Donor thank-yous and NYC 360 cameras; Jay-Z concert story (54:38)
• 57:12–60:03: Alcatraz coyote discussion
• 62:09–65:52: Herzog's nihilist penguin segment
• 74:25–76:47: Listener Dan's parking lot dispatch
• 80:38–81:07: Empathy via penguin metaphors

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Tone and Style

TBTL’s trademark blend of sardonic, empathetic, and deeply self-referential humor shines throughout the episode. The hosts are as willing to poke fun at themselves as they are at the world around them, deftly balancing observational comedy with genuine existential musings. The episode swings smoothly between bits and deep dives, always leavened by the affection and camaraderie of two longtime friends.

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For New Listeners

This episode encapsulates what makes TBTL beloved: sharp banter, personal confessions, and an ability to find cosmic significance in the mundane (Kumon logos, parking habits, lone penguins on the ice). While much of the humor is in-jokey and locally flavored, the core anxieties, delights, and wonderings are universal. Even without hearing the episode, this summary should help orient you to both the laughs and the feels.

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Power Out

Transcript

[Luke Burbank]

I'll have anything.

[Andrew Walsh]

I just want a hamburger, fries.

[Luke Burbank]

Hey, guys.

[Andrew Walsh]

Hi.

[Luke Burbank]

How are you?

[Johnny (Restaurant Host)]

This is Johnny.

[Andrew Walsh]

Hi, Johnny.

[Johnny (Restaurant Host)]

Welcome to around the world at 80 plates. Have you guys eaten with this before?

[Andrew Walsh]

No.

[Johnny (Restaurant Host)]

Oh, you haven't? All right, well, let me walk you through the menu. We do things a little different here. A little quirky, a little fun.

[Andrew Walsh]

I think we're just hungry. I'm just gonna do a cheeseburger and fries.

[Johnny (Restaurant Host)]

This place really is a culinary voyage across the seven seas of flavor. Our menu is divided into seven different cuisines, and we do have specials in each of those sections that are not listed on the menu. But for instance, Craig's crazy guac ducks, which go great with cervezas.

[Andrew Walsh]

I'm just gonna do a cheeseburger, and I don't.

[Johnny (Restaurant Host)]

I don't have cheeseburgers. We do have slam burgers.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah, yeah.

[Johnny (Restaurant Host)]

Would you like your slam burger in a traditional sesame bun, in a taco on French toast, or rolled up in a naan, which is this traditional Indian flatbread? No, I was sort of.

[Andrew Walsh]

I'll have a sesame bun, and I'll.

[Luke Burbank]

Do the torpedo slam burger.

[Johnny (Restaurant Host)]

Torpedo slam burger as a taco. Good choice.

[Andrew Walsh]

And to drink, I'm gonna have an iced tea.

[Johnny (Restaurant Host)]

No, we don't have iced tea. We have smile teas.

[Andrew Walsh]

What's a smile tea?

[Johnny (Restaurant Host)]

It's tea with ice in it.

[Andrew Walsh]

That sounds great.

[Johnny (Restaurant Host)]

Would you guys like to double down on your meal?

[Andrew Walsh]

I don't know that saying.

[Johnny (Restaurant Host)]

It's twice the amount of food for twice the price.

[Andrew Walsh]

That's just ordering two of each.

[Johnny (Restaurant Host)]

You did say you were hungry.

[Luke Burbank]

We could double down and then share.

[Johnny (Restaurant Host)]

I'm sorry, there's no sharing in the double down.

[Andrew Walsh]

So what do you do if people are sharing?

[Johnny (Restaurant Host)]

There are cameras everywhere.

[Andrew Walsh]

I mean, that's not fun.

[Johnny (Restaurant Host)]

The camera's here to ensure that. Fun is someone looks at the camera.

[Andrew Walsh]

And they go, those two people are sharing.

[Johnny (Restaurant Host)]

Yeah. Craig, he also does the guac tacs. So he's making tacos and then he's looking at this. He has his taco station right on the security station. And you can just look at the video while he's making his crazy guac tacks. Do you want to lobsterate your meal? What is that? We just put a whole lobster on top of it.

[Andrew Walsh]

I doubt you do that.

[Johnny (Restaurant Host)]

It's an extra $31.99. I doubt that's even in existence.

[Chris Fleming]

TBTL.

[Andrew Walsh]

Hello, I'm Gil Girard. Tonight's special edition of Code 3 focuses on high risk sports and the dangers inherent in them. For example, at full throttle, this nitro fueled funny car can travel the length of a football field in less than a second. But there's nothing funny about a funny car when it blasts down a road toward disaster. Can you say hot dog? Hot dog? Thank you, baby. Hot dog. Hot dog.

[Luke Burbank]

Are you on the computer?

[Andrew Walsh]

Yes, I am, but I'm having trouble with my computer. I had a computer for 10 years.

[Luke Burbank]

And enjoyed it, but it died.

[Andrew Walsh]

There's nothing classier than boring jazz music. I am here to tell you I love these guys. They make funny with their mouth.

[Luke Burbank]

All right. Hello, good morning and welcome everyone to a tune of tbtl, the show that just might be too beautiful to live. Just study it out and you'll see. My name's Luke Burbank. I'm your host.

[Andrew Walsh]

I don't know who that is and I don't care to find out.

[Luke Burbank]

Coming to you from the Madrona Hill Studio, perched high above the very mighty but also very foggy Columbia River. We've got the fog. I'd say I can see about 10ft out this window here at the Madrona Hill Studio. Thankfully, this is an audio product. We don't need visuals. We can just go on instrumentation. To bring you episode 4655 in a collector series. Let the fun begin. A coyote managed to swim to Alcatraz.

[Andrew Walsh]

I'll say, what's up, dog?

[Luke Burbank]

And now the National Park Service, such as it exists in this day and age, is trying to figure out what to do with this animal that's living out there, possibly on Alcatraz. Also the Kennedy Center. I used that previous name advisedly. The Kennedy center is going to close for construction.

[Andrew Walsh]

It was literally a major disaster.

[Luke Burbank]

Very interesting timing for that. We may get into that as well. And we'll definitely get into talking to this guy. Longest running cobra of the show, maybe best known for his depictions of the tall ships.

[Andrew Walsh]

The guy is a movie nut bar. A nut bar.

[Luke Burbank]

He's Andrew Walsh. She's joining me right now. Good morning, my friend.

[Andrew Walsh]

Good morning, Luke. I just learned that this is a very exciting time for me and my family here, apparently, because I got a.

[Luke Burbank]

Very exuberant sound like someone's about to do some scam. Baiting.

[Andrew Walsh]

No, no. Well, I mean, it's probably a scam in the grand scheme of things, as in almost everything is a scam these days. But CenturyLink just sent me a note just saying. Basically, they're just saying, AT&T bought us, buddy, so God knows what your future is, but instead it's Draped in this excitement. Good news. Your Century Link Internet plan won't change. And if you have an existing price for life plan, that's not going to change either. I don't think I have a price.

[Luke Burbank]

Do you have a price for life?

[Andrew Walsh]

No, I don't know. That's.

[Luke Burbank]

Do you have a plan for life?

[Andrew Walsh]

I barely have. I barely have that. I used to. I used to. I don't know where I put it, but I love this. This is an exciting time in your transition to AT&T. It's like. Yeah, this is super exciting. I'm sure this is just really good for the consumer, just. Oh, absolutely. I know what's going to happen is it's going to get better and cheaper.

[Luke Burbank]

Yes. If we could just get it. So every company in America is one company. I think that would serve us, the consumers.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

Nicely. I'd like to pay my Internet and my car insurance and my doordash and what else is it? My. My health care.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yep. And we're going to bundle that. We're going to put a lot. I was like on top.

[Luke Burbank]

Oh, would you like to lobster?

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah, we're going to lobster.

[Luke Burbank]

That's where we just put a lobster on top of all of your services.

[Andrew Walsh]

It's for a lobster on my Internet, I believe so. Anyway, I'm excited over here. You can probably tell. I'm still buzzing a little bit from that news. But anyway, I'll let you know in great detail as. As it.

[Luke Burbank]

How is the construction project going?

[Andrew Walsh]

Pretty good. I think the workers are on their way over here now. Should be here any moment. I don't think it'll affect the broadcast at all.

[Luke Burbank]

Have you put anything in? Are you still in the sort of demoed phase or are they starting to rebuild it?

[Andrew Walsh]

I see somebody just showed up outside my window, but I don't have to answer the door or anything. We are still in the demo, I think electrical work phase. I think before we're putting anything in, we're getting all the electrical set with this new switchboard or I'm sorry, not a switchboard board. That's more of a telephone situation. You're going to have a breaker, breaker board.

[Luke Burbank]

You're going to have an unmarried woman living in your basement going Hawthorne 352 and that's right. Plugging in a three quarter inch to three quarter inch.

[Andrew Walsh]

That Lily Tomlin outfit I got Genevieve for our anniversary is finally going to come in handy. Some good use. Ringy dingy, ringy dingy. I love keeping the cultural references young and fresh on the show. But yes.

[Luke Burbank]

You're the one who said switchboard.

[Andrew Walsh]

I know, but anyway, I meant. Of course, course. Breaker box. But. And so I'm excited about that. But I know that tomorrow, or I'm sorry, Thursday is going to be the really big day on that because they're going to be taking the electricity away from me for a day.

[Luke Burbank]

We're going to have a whole special system. You're going to be. I don't know if we can say where you're going to be. You're going to not. You will not be in your normal home studio.

[Andrew Walsh]

No, I'm going to be in that dumpster that's behind the bar that used to be called the Back Door. It's not called the Back Door. What is that bar where I illegally dumped my shrimp. It recently closed. I always want to see the Back Door. But it's like.

[Luke Burbank]

But it used to be. Well, it was the hideaway, right? Wasn't it?

[Andrew Walsh]

Oh, I think you told me it was the hideaway before I knew it as the hideaway. Wait, was the hideaway the gambling place? That's not the place that's now Aurora Borealis?

[Luke Burbank]

Maybe I haven't been. Is that a weed place?

[Andrew Walsh]

No, that's just another. I think it's like a night. A nightlife spot.

[Luke Burbank]

That would be a good name for a weed place. Aurora Borealis.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

The hideaway was the card room, but the place where you illegally dumped your shrimp was not the hideaway. Was it next to it? No, because the hideaway is a kumon now, right?

[Andrew Walsh]

Oh, is that. Is it. Okay, then I am getting confused because. So, yeah, the kumon and all those. I guess we're just doing.

[Luke Burbank]

My apologies, but a change of customer base between the. The Hideaway card room and it became a kumon.

[Andrew Walsh]

So the Hidden Door is the restaurant that I was referring to. And now you knew it as something else back in the day. And just recently, they. They announced the Hidden Door are closing down as well, but due to illegal shrimp dumping because of a glut. They could not handle it. They couldn't handle all of the shrimp that people were dumping in their dumpster. And. But just to be very clear, those places, so that you know that I'm describing them properly, they are on the west side of Aurora in 145th. Right? That's what you're picturing. Okay.

[Luke Burbank]

The Hideaway was on the west side.

[Andrew Walsh]

Okay. The Aurora.

[Luke Burbank]

Although if you saw Andrew, I did have to go. Never eat soggy.

[Andrew Walsh]

Oh, I saw you. I saw you.

[Luke Burbank]

That was me remembering what direction Earth face east.

[Andrew Walsh]

Now, this is not helping the conversation at all and get you no closer to understanding what's going on in my basement, as it were. But now I'm trying to figure out what the Aurora Borealis was because that was another one of your favorite haunts. That was a card room that I went to with you one time, I thought. And it.

[Luke Burbank]

I. Oh, was that the drift on In?

[Andrew Walsh]

The Drift on in. That's what I'm getting confused about. Aurora Borealis is in the Drift on in as opposed to the hideaway, which you're describing. And I don't think I've ever.

[Luke Burbank]

Well, by the way, the back door, the hidden door used to be the hideaway.

[Andrew Walsh]

I'm getting eyes on it now. There's the hideaway. I was confusing the hideaway with the Drift on In. So I'm totally unfamiliar with the hideaway other than you referencing it on the show, I believe.

[Luke Burbank]

And let me add a. Let me add in a third confusing element. The thing that is now a Kumon wasn't the hideaway. It was a different weird casino that had like, room for three tables. And it was called, I want to say, the Gold Golden Nugget or something. It was a really like. Even by the standards of Aurora casinos, the thing that is, or at least at one point was a Kumon. Before that, it was. It was a strange little card room that again, had like three tables total to it, which, you know, it's unsurprising that it didn't survive. They didn't have enough, you know, capacity probably to make the money. But that was yet another casino that I'm talking about.

[Andrew Walsh]

And it's interesting that neither one of those establishes are casinos anymore because those would be as close to Seattle as you can possibly be, right? Because there are no one 75th. 145th.

[Luke Burbank]

145Th demarcation.

[Andrew Walsh]

That's the demarcation between Seattle.

[Luke Burbank]

If you dump shrimp on the. On the south side of 145th, that's life in prison. Did you think on the north side?

[Andrew Walsh]

Do you think I would dare dump shrimp in Seattle proper? My goodness, my boy.

[Luke Burbank]

Mama didn't raise no fool.

[Andrew Walsh]

I did hear somebody told me that it looked like there was a lock on that dumpster after I remember hearing, by the way, for people who don't know what we're talking about, I'm talking about a little bag of shrimp that I had that was causing issues in my.

[Luke Burbank]

I'm sorry. I believe it was an yet unidentified Baltimore Orioles fan.

[Andrew Walsh]

I mean, not me, but I mean, this. The cold case that I'm investigating involves a green, I believe. I don't think it was huge. I think it was like a. It was my small green bin. I had put some shrimp in there, and it had gotten disgusting. And then I thought that I had missed the compost pickup, the yard waste pickup, which is. It's sad to call that yard waste, but that is what would be labeled as officially. And so I was so scared that I was going to be stuck with this mess for another week before the truck came again, that I raced to Shoreline. I thought, I know there's a dumpster. And I just remembered seeing this dumpster and thinking, like, someday I may. I am still like that. I'm that way with dumpsters and bathrooms and, God, please never make me need it, but, like, I am. Are you like this? Like, I'm in Ballard. I now know where there is an unlocked bathroom in my. Like, kind of in my doctor's. The facility that my doctor works out of. You know, the medical center in Ballard. And I'm always like, oh, okay. If I'm in. If I'm in an emergency and this place is open and. And it is attached to, like, a kind of a critical care place. So it could be open 24 hours. I'm not sure. But I know exactly what floor there is a single use, unlocked bathroom I can use. And I've got a couple of those staked out across the city. And when I pass a dumpster that doesn't have a lock on. And again, the shrimp one was a couple times.

[Luke Burbank]

It can be both.

[Andrew Walsh]

Why not?

[Luke Burbank]

It is both.

[Andrew Walsh]

Exactly. I just think it's good to clock these things, make it sound like a sketch ball, but you just never know.

[Luke Burbank]

Well, the dumpster thing sounds sketchy. The other thing sounds like undiagnosed Crohn's.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah, right. Or pending Crohn's. Or just the assumption, the absolute astonishment that I don't have it.

[Luke Burbank]

The 100% chance that it will eventually be the case. I saw the other day on the weather app that they said it was a 100% chance of rain here where I'm living. And I thought nothing can be 100% right. Like, that's an impossible number because that's saying that there is no chance that it won't rain. And you can't predict that.

[Andrew Walsh]

That.

[Luke Burbank]

I mean, 99 is the highest percentage. It could be right.

[Andrew Walsh]

Of anything or just of weather.

[Luke Burbank]

Well, of anything. Like, can anything be 100%? Because what you're saying, when you're saying there's a 100% chance of something is that there is no chance of it not happening. And if it is the future, the future is not written. Right.

[Andrew Walsh]

And I guess the cliche would be you can't even say it's 100% chance that the sun will rise tomorrow.

[Luke Burbank]

You can't? Yeah, I mean, you know, I mean, we're fingers crossed. But you can't say that because we don't know. Right? Like nothing. There can be no 100% chance of anything.

[Andrew Walsh]

I don't know, man. I guess I never thought of it that way. I don't.

[Luke Burbank]

I'm quibbling.

[Andrew Walsh]

I mean, you know, I guess you're welcome. Did it rain?

[Luke Burbank]

I don't know. I didn't pay.

[Andrew Walsh]

I mean, I guess you're right. You can say it's 100% chance that we're talking right now, but that's not a chance. That's just 100. I mean, it's occurring. It's a fact. It's occurring as you like.

[Luke Burbank]

But now also. But wait, there was another thing that we talked about recently, which is my misunderstanding of what the rain, what I thought was being predicted still can't be 100% chance. But it was something like when you see like let's say 70% chance of rain, it means there's a 70% chance that there will be measurable precipitation on the day. Not that it will rain 70% of the day or something.

[Andrew Walsh]

I'm not weighing in on that because I thought that we had covered this on the show like years ago and had some major eye popping realization that we'd always thought about percentage chance of precipitation in the wrong way.

[Luke Burbank]

70% of the day was going to be raining.

[Andrew Walsh]

But I think, oh, it definitely, yeah, I don't think it's that. It's not about the time, but it's about the chance. And for a while there I was bandying about this theory that I thought I had heard somewhere that it says it's. It's within this area. There's a. I don't. I thought I was, I was combining both percentage of chance and percentage of area covered or something like that, which I don't even want to get into again because I think I was just loud. Not even loud. Wrong. Just weirdly mumbly wrong about that. So let me be mumbling.

[Luke Burbank]

I was trying to look up that Kumon that I've been talking about. And I will once again take the opportunity to mention I find the logo for Kumon to be really odd. It is a confused child. The O of Kumon is a confused child. I guess the idea is, if you have a confused child, bring them to Kumon and we will teach them how to be less confused. So I guess it's sort of, I guess, like a proof of concept. But it makes me think whenever I see one like, this is like they're turning out additionally confused kids. Like, it should be. The kids should be jumping for joy with comprehension. Not kind of being. Not puzzling.

[Andrew Walsh]

I still don't know what Kumon do. When I think of Kumon, I think of that Chris Fleming bit from that special that our friend Kat directed. You know Chris Fleming, the standup comedian?

[Luke Burbank]

Of course.

[Andrew Walsh]

And I can't remember what it is. He's talking about modern parenting or something. I'm looking. I guess we don't use it. Do we use this as intro tape or not? Let me look again. But he's like, I know he's talking like a kind of a parent who maybe gives their kids too long of a leash or something like that. And, yeah, I guess I don't have it saved. I guess I was just watching it a lot when it kind of went viral. And he's like, do you want to go to Kumon? And I just, like, I wasn't sure. Like, is Kumon something that we reward kids with? Or like, what is a Kumon?

[Luke Burbank]

It's a learning center. I think it's like if your kid is maybe having some challenges at school, you take them to Kumon and they get some extra sort of tutoring or whatever. But the O in Kumon is a kind of crudely drawn, confused face.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yes, it's very off the face, which.

[Luke Burbank]

I feel like doesn't instill. I know what they're saying. If your kid. If your kid looks like the O in Kumon, bring them here. But it also just. It just. See, I don't know. It's like, I feel like it should be. They should be showing us the after, not the before.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah, I guess. I mean, is that the idea behind it? Or is it just childlike? Is my question. You know, like, I've always been concerned, confused by that whole thing. Also, doesn't the Kumon and Shoreline right on the Seattle border that we're discussing, isn't it. Was it possibly a bikini barista stand at one point, or is there a barista stand in that parking lot alongside it?

[Luke Burbank]

Is there one in the Kumon?

[Andrew Walsh]

Is there one in the Kumon?

[Luke Burbank]

That's where I would bring my Kids, is it a Bikini Kumon?

[Andrew Walsh]

Can we just. I don't know if this is gonna pay off. Cause I can't remember how visual it was, but Bikini Kumon. You remember this? Now that I'm looking at it. It was Chris Fleming's bit. And again, our friend directed this about. It was called. What was it? Parents and structured hats. Is that what it was called?

[Luke Burbank]

Parents?

[Andrew Walsh]

It's probably too long to play the whole thing, and I don't know if it's gonna translate.

[Chris Fleming]

They're not gonna be willing to hinge at the hip and risk the loss of their John M. Class is probably something like Bishop Banquo Costa with ground immunity. And they're gonna be too busy talking about their friends giving with Beck to Noah's side. That Bishop bankrupt Coxon's closet. So now this child in LCD sound system onesie is an unspoken ward of the stair.

[Andrew Walsh]

Now this child in an LCD sound system onesie is a ward of state. It's so great.

[Luke Burbank]

Can I. On the subject of Chris Fleming, who I think might really be like. Along with Caleb Heron, I think maybe the funniest. And Stavros. Those are like the. That's like the Holy Trinity. That's my Mount Rushmore of funny people right now. Chris Fleming, Stavros Halkness and. And. And Caleb Herron. But this is Chris Fleming. This. You want. You want to talk about something that probably won't work? This is Chris Fleming talking about two things you and I don't think have seen. Well, one, because I don't know if it's out yet. And the other because we haven't seen it. He's talking about Wuthering Heights, the reboot. Right. Which has, I think, like Jacob Elordi and Margot Robbie in it. And then also heated rivalry, the hockey show. That. That. That again, you and I are not watchers of. But that is very big in the culture. This is Chris Fleming talking about that stuff. This made me laugh so hard the other day. Despite the fact that I have need, I have have not seen either of these things.

[Chris Fleming]

People are very concerned about the Olympics coming to la. I am way more concerned about the release of Wuthering Heights. I don't think the infrastructure we have in place can withstand the release of Wuthering Heights. We don't have enough aqueducts. For those of you who don't know, Jacob Elordi and Margot Robbie behind our backs made Wuthering Heights, and they're releasing it on Galentine's day, which already is a real loaded potato skin. Of a day. It is going to be chaos. If you thought the heated rivalry, maybe I was back. Those two guys look like they can barely reach the milk at the groc.

[Luke Burbank]

Score.

[Chris Fleming]

Jacob Elardi doesn't fit into most cars and he's only getting taller. Jacob Elardi is.

[Luke Burbank]

He stands up, he jumps on the stool, and then the stool kicks out from under him. In a very dangerous moment for Chris Fleming, by the way. Actually, I'm going to send this to you.

[Andrew Walsh]

Is he kicking the stool out on purpose or. It's a little bit of a flub that he ends up.

[Luke Burbank]

It's a flub that he barely survives. I'm going to send you this picture. Be an amazing, amazing show pick.

[Chris Fleming]

The poster is Margot Rowdy down here.

[Luke Burbank]

Sorry. This gets kind of visual.

[Andrew Walsh]

He's pretending to be extra tall and.

[Luke Burbank]

Be like Jacob Elordi standing on the stool.

[Chris Fleming]

Scientists are sure about two things. Planet getting warmer. Olori getting taller. I think maybe it's caa. Maybe they're stretching them out brave heart style. I have a theory. Maybe Barry Keoghan is under there.

[Andrew Walsh]

I couldn't hear. He was getting warmer.

[Luke Burbank]

He was talking about Barry Keoghan. You know, that guy who's like the actor of the moment is just under Jacob Elordi or something. I don't know. Again, better. Better as a visual than a. Than an audio. But man, Chris Fleming is just incredibly, incredibly funny.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah. The energy on him, too, and the physicality, like.

[Luke Burbank]

Yes.

[Andrew Walsh]

And all of it, you know what I mean? Is not dependent on the physicality. But then when you see him up there and he's. It's. Yeah, it's truly art.

[Luke Burbank]

I was looking at this Instagram thing. He goes. Chris Fleming's thing is any pronouns you want. I believe is.

[Andrew Walsh]

Oh, yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

Pronouns that Chris Fleming chooses. Any pronouns, which I feel like is one of the nicest things you could do for the rest of us. You know, a lot of people talk about pronouns. A lot of people get upset. I mean, any pronoun you want is like, you can't go wrong. You just cannot go wrong with Chris Fleming and whatever you want to use for them. I. I almost went a little wrong the other day, Andrew, in downtown Portland, when I thought I was going to be possibly attacked by a mob of teens who are on their lunch break. Is there anything scarier than a group of teens?

[Andrew Walsh]

No. Youth scare me, like, particularly.

[Luke Burbank]

I think when you get to our age, like, the older you get, the scarier teens are. So I was going to say it.

[Andrew Walsh]

Was a bell Curve. I was very afraid of teens when I was a teen.

[Luke Burbank]

Okay, and then you got out of it for your 20s and part of your 30s, and now you're back in it.

[Andrew Walsh]

Back in it again. Exactly. Which is weird because I do believe the teens of today, generally speaking, are probably less threatening than the teens that I grew up with.

[Luke Burbank]

That's what I thought.

[Andrew Walsh]

Three things.

[Luke Burbank]

Planet getting warmer. Elordi getting taller. Teens still scary. So I was going down to that TV station to do that little local appearance to promote livewire, and I got out of my car, and these teens were like, well, probably on their lunch break. It was about 11 in the morning or something. Maybe 10:55. So presumably lunch break. And it was a group of, let's say, eight of them. It was like, boys and girls. And they were walking down this kind of inclined sidewalk as I was getting out of my car. And one of the teens just absolutely ate shit. Like, he just tripped in some way and fell really hard. But because he's a teen, it didn't hurt him. In fact, it may have made him stronger, you know, Like, I would be currently hospitalized from that fall. And, in fact, I was really worried because I saw this kid go down, and I was like, oh, no. Like, am I going to have to do cpr? Which song is it? Staying Alive? But he popped right up and was laughing. He was clearly a little bit embarrassed, but laughing. His friends were all laughing. It was. It was, you know, not super serious. And. But I, at that exact moment, was now even with this group of teens, and the kid had just fallen down, and I was like, oh, man, are you okay? And he said, yeah, yeah. And then he was wearing. I realized, like, I'm just gonna call them Jenko jeans. You know what I mean? Those, like, really super crazy wide denim pants that were also. And this is where I'm gonna sound real respectability politics. So sagging. Not from the fall, just the way that young people maybe wear their pants sometimes. The pants were well below his butt cheeks, if you know what I'm talking about. Like, he just. The pants were so wide and so sagged. And I could not avoid the urge. After I'd said, oh, are you okay? He was like, yeah. I go, I can't imagine the pants are helping. It was like we had this moment, we were all kind of laughing, and I was like, are you okay? And he said, yeah. And then I felt like, what? I think, again, this happened so quickly. What I thought in the back of my mind must have been, I'm gonna give this Kid, a good natured, ribbing kind of some sort of dad humor. Some like, you know, and I didn't say, like, pull your pants up. I wasn't like, like, all I said was, I can't imagine the pants were helping because again, like, how are they even staying on his body? They're so. They were like his. He's stepping on them because they're so long. They're under his shoes. Like, again, major tripping hazard. And I could feel the energy in the group kind of mildly shift. And this like, one of the girls, it was with them go, huh.

[Andrew Walsh]

That's fraught. Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

You know what I mean?

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

And I don't know if this matters, but I'll just mention these were all white kids, by the way. I just want to be clear.

[Andrew Walsh]

I was going to ask. I do think, yeah, all white kids.

[Luke Burbank]

And, you know, if I'm being, if I'm being totally honest, I probably would have, I would have been even more careful with my words. Were I talking to kids who are not the same race as me just to be extra, you know, extra aware about everything. Yeah.

[Andrew Walsh]

And also, I mean, like, you just mentioned, I mean, just for context, you mentioned, I mean, there is a whole thing of respectability, politics and everything that goes along with that. And, well, the, if I saw a.

[Luke Burbank]

Black teenager with their pants down, I wouldn't come comment on their pants.

[Andrew Walsh]

Right. Obviously. Yeah, yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

But they were like, the.

[Andrew Walsh]

I, I.

[Luke Burbank]

The girl said something like, huh? Or oh. Or something where it was like, it went from like, we're all laughing to like, this. Oh, by the way, I was also in a suit jacket because I was about to go on tv. It went from like, oh, this is like, our friend fell down. We're all kind of laughing. The guy said like, are you okay? We're all in this together to like, old guy is being judgmental. Old guy is being judgmental. And I, and, and by the way, I'm just walking. Like, I didn't stop. I'm not, you know, I'm not like, spending time with this group of people I'm walking kind of through. That was the other problem was that they were kids these days. Andrew. This sidewalk was impassable because of.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah, yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

These eight teenagers who had no sense of their existence in space. So I'm like, walking up on the, like, beauty bar co of the outside of the TV station to get around them. And I said my thing about, like, I can't imagine the pants are helping. And then the girl says something. One of the girls says, Something that kind of tells me that, like, she sort of doesn't like what I said, but also doesn't exactly know how to respond. But like, now it's like. And then I keep. I'm like 10 steps ahead of them and I. I just hear now they. By the way, everything I'm going to say about the aftermath of this, it could be 100% in my head. Nobody said anything specific to me. Nobody yelled, hey, old man. Nobody said, we're coming for you. But I just heard some kind of noises that seemed like they were maybe messing with me or they were kind of like, I don't know. I sensed that I had offended this group of young people. And now I'm just walking to the door of the TV station. And of course, because it's TV station, it's like totally locked.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah, you can't get in there.

[Luke Burbank]

You can't get in there. There's like a security guard whose entire job is to just buzz people in. And so. But there's a big sign that's like, hit this number on the door. And I'm hitting the number and I'm like. I'm like starting to get. Again, I don't even have a specific. There was not even anything specific the kids were saying. There was just energetically this thing of like, there's 18s that are now annoyed with me, and I'm trying to buzz my way into this TV station and. And I'm like, it's taking what felt like a lifetime for the security guard who's just sitting at this desk looking at me to pick up the phone. Like, if I'm the security guard, I'm getting like a paperweight and I'm just putting it on the thing that buzzes people in. Because my only job at this TV station is to go, hi, can I help you? And then it's me going, hi, I'm here for hello, Rose City. Okay, let me buzz you in. It's like you could save yourself a step. I was getting why you, by the.

[Andrew Walsh]

Way, have not gotten any of those jobs you applied for as a security guard.

[Luke Burbank]

You don't think paperweight on the security system is a good approach?

[Andrew Walsh]

I mean, the fact that you bring it up in the interview every time.

[Luke Burbank]

The fact that I lead with it. Guys, I have got.

[Andrew Walsh]

I had a efficiency idea, revolutionary efficiency idea.

[Luke Burbank]

You know how you're paying someone to sit here and buzz people in? What if you didn't have to pay them because it was just a paperweight?

[Andrew Walsh]

You're apply for the job no. What if you paid somebody but you paid him to be down in the.

[Luke Burbank]

Break room drinking a soda or stealing from the Avanti market? Another that's by the way plan. My subheading to this whole interview is also I think we should get rid of the cameras in the Avante market.

[Andrew Walsh]

By the way, Avante market was the snack area where you could purchase snacks and beverages and stuff at our old workplace. Is have as somebody who goes into these TV stations from time to time to do like promos do you or the interviews. Have you seen Avante markets anywhere other.

[Luke Burbank]

Than Cairo Radio One place and it's Ron Tonkin Mazda.

[Andrew Walsh]

Really? Okay.

[Luke Burbank]

The only other Avanti market I've ever seen in the wild is at the place that I take my car in for. Like it's. It's scheduled maintenance.

[Andrew Walsh]

And how does it rank compared to the Avante that you've grown accustomed to?

[Luke Burbank]

Well, I feel completely comfortable stealing from both locations. So I'd say it's pretty similar.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yes, but I mean it. Was it as big was it? Because I gotta say it was like a whole room.

[Luke Burbank]

It was not as big as the Cairo one. It's.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

It's not an entire room. It's a little. It's a little nook.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah. Okay. But they serve non media outlets as well. That's good to know.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah. I wonder, I don't know if that's googleable. I wonder how many Avanti markets there are. And also what the. What the sort of. What's it called? Like loss prevention is what the. What the rate of theft is. I mean I wouldn't say I stole from that thing because by the way there's nobody there. It has allegedly some cameras you're supposed to kind of self check out.

[Andrew Walsh]

And of course my whole thing on that was the signs that let you know about the cameras. Say cameras are installed for your protection. Yes, that's what they wrote on the signs. And it just always really rained. I don't mind them saying, listen, this is a self serve place and you can't trust everybody. People like Luke Burbank and John Curly work here. We have to have cameras, we have.

[Luke Burbank]

To steal from them.

[Andrew Walsh]

You think he's ever paid for anything out of there?

[Luke Burbank]

I knew I liked that guy.

[Andrew Walsh]

He thinks he deserves it all anyway. But so it's fine. Like a self serve play should have cameras. We're fine with that. But don't tell me it's for my protection. What like is what was Dory's producer's name is Jake.

[Luke Burbank]

Jake.

[Andrew Walsh]

Jumped Me in the Avante market. Is that why? It's for my protection.

[Luke Burbank]

Well, if he jumps you and there's no footage, Andrew, how will we press charges?

[Andrew Walsh]

That's a really good question.

[Luke Burbank]

In lawless Seattle, the one at the Ron Tonkin said it's to save the whales. We have these cameras here to save the whales. I feel it's also unconnected. So all that is to say nothing else happened. But it was this weird moment where I. I found myself oddly frightened based on nothing really happening other than some unidentifiable noises from some kids that were, oh, let me also mention, 3 to 400ft away from me, like they never deviated from the sidewalk. They didn't come over to the TV station door where I was standing, like I was not in any danger. And yet the fear felt very. The danger felt very real and close to me from just thinking I may have offended teenagers.

[Andrew Walsh]

So I have found something that I find to be somewhat interesting here.

[Luke Burbank]

A mug shot of me from the Avanti market.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yes, you and Curly, but you both.

[Luke Burbank]

Are all, do not serve this person. Just a big, giant, inflated whatever security can't pick of me.

[Andrew Walsh]

Did Nick Nolte have a mug shot that I'm picturing? Okay, yeah, yeah. I was gonna say you're all Nick Nolted up, but then I started. I didn't memory. Nick Nolte is top of mind for me because I still. When I go to bed now, I still do the game of listing actors who have the first letter of their first and last name the same. Alan Arkin, et cetera. And so. And I basically can rattle through the whole thing, but I still fall asleep at some point. But my N is Nick Nolte. Bob Balaband.

[Luke Burbank]

Oh, yeah, we've talked about this.

[Andrew Walsh]

And you know what I realized last night? Genevieve had Guffman on last night and two of my actors and I. Because I've been doing this for like at least a year or whatever. And so I just like when I. It's not even usually at night. It's more if I wake up in the middle of the night or in the morning. I'm trying to get a little bit more shut eye. I'll kind of. Okay. Alan Arkin, Bob Balaban, Chris Cooper, Danny DeVito or Dom DeLuise, by the way, is a new one mix in some time. I don't have anything for Emilio Estevez other than Emilio Estevez. I have nothing for ease, I should say, other than Emilio. Having said all of that, I feel like I have a bond with these people. Now if I see. If I see a Gina Gershon F is. Oh, this is a rough one. Because I can't think of anybody contemporary. And so I'm always going with Frances Farmer. But I'm up for better. I'm up for. Because I only know her more as a Nirvana song title than an actual actor.

[Luke Burbank]

Oh, I didn't actually know there was a Nirvana song with Frances Farmer.

[Andrew Walsh]

Frances Farmer will have her revenge on Seattle is a song by Nirvana. And so that's how I know that name. But I don't know if I've ever seen her in anything. The only letters. I have to skip some letters. And I know that this is kind of well worn territory. I've talked about this on the show before, but I skip over the I's. Some people will suggest Idris Elba, but one name begins with an I, the other one begins with an E. So that doesn't. That's racist to be I, I, I, I. So I can't find anybody with an I, I or a O, o or a UU. Those are the rough ones.

[Luke Burbank]

UUs gonna be tough.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah, all of those. And I even finally went and I was looking up. I cheated one day and looked up I's. I just couldn't find any.

[Luke Burbank]

Are there any first names that start with U?

[Andrew Walsh]

Eula. I know somebody named Eula.

[Luke Burbank]

Isn't that an E? U?

[Andrew Walsh]

Oh, it is an eu. You're right. Uncle Frank.

[Luke Burbank]

Uber. Umberto. Echo. But Umberto. Umberto is a U First name. Yeah, that's not going to help you. But.

[Andrew Walsh]

And my uncle got there. Don't forget that. Anyway, I'm trying to remember who else would be can. Since I've totally blown up the. I was going to tell you something that I thought was interesting. It's probably not, but since we've blown up the show with the stupid game. Anyway, who would be the two actors that I saw in Guffman last night? Because Bob Bab is obviously.

[Luke Burbank]

And another double lettered actor.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah, Guffman. Cast. I swear I was like watching. Oh, Parker Posey. Posey is my double P. Parker Posey. Bob Balaband. My goal would be to get all of my double lettered celebrities. And they're all from film, by the way. They're not just famous people. And direct a movie with all of them. Them, Yes.

[Luke Burbank]

I mean you've got. All the ones we've mentioned so far are still with us. Nick Nolte.

[Andrew Walsh]

So far. Yeah. I'm Francis Farmer. Probably not, but I think Susan Sarandon is my s. Like, we've got her. Yeah. We still with her. Certainly.

[Luke Burbank]

Did you watch any of Guffman? Did you?

[Andrew Walsh]

Like, I watched, like, the first half of it, and then I. I went to bed, and I've been reading this book that I. Kind of devouring, and I just. It's been on my mind every time. It's rare that I'm reading a book like I'm reading. I think I mentioned this to you. I started reading all the Pretty Horses, which, you know, like.

[Luke Burbank]

Oh, wow.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah. And I'm not a big Cormac McCarthy person, but I've wanted to read more. I read the Road a long, long time ago when it was kind of newish, and that was really. I mean, that's one of the darkest things I've ever read in my life.

[Luke Burbank]

When I read the Road, I literally was like. I was like, when's it gonna turn? When's the happy part? I literally thought that, like, I was reading it, and I kept being like, this is pretty bleak, but, like, I can't wait till they get off the road. Or. Yeah, you know, like, I just kept waiting for the. Like, the happy ending that shows you my misunderstanding of Cormac McCarthy's oeuvre. But, like, I remember turning the last page of the Road and being like, where's the rest? Oh, it's just sad. It's just unrelentingly sad.

[Andrew Walsh]

It's all unrelentingly sad.

[Luke Burbank]

I get it.

[Andrew Walsh]

Okay. And that one is actually, if I recall. And again, it's been a long time, but also gory in some ways, in his restrained way. But anyway, I didn't expect this to be such a page turner because it starts off pretty, you know, what's the word I'm looking for? Pastoral? Is that a word? You know, it's like, very. You know, and I was really enjoying it, but then something happened about halfway through where I literally cannot put it down. And so, anyway, so I went to bed kind of early, but I watched maybe half of Guffman while we played some cards. And. Yeah, of course. It's just. I've seen Guffman so many times that I don't think there's anything in there that I haven't. That I haven't wrung all of the juice out of. You know what I mean? There's no scenes that pop up, and it's like, oh, I forgot about that one. Although Genevieve did point out you get a very, very, very brief glimpse of Bob Odenkirk, because, remember, his scene is Cut out of the movie. He's dressed up like a vampire or something. But you see one shot of him. Cause it's during the audition montage. And he does an audition which you can find. Maybe you can find this online right now and play the audio from it. Cause I don't remember if the audio would play without the visual, but I believe Bob. Oh, and Kirk is dressed up like some sort of a tall vampire or something for his audition. The audition gets cut out of the movie, but there's a very brief shot of him in the background if you know what you're looking for. Have you found it from the deleted scene?

[Luke Burbank]

I'm waiting for a peloton ad to clear on YouTube.

[Andrew Walsh]

I hope it pays off. I don't know, he might juggle or something. I have no idea what he does. I can't recall.

[Luke Burbank]

Okay, so here's the thing. This already looks like it's very low quality. In other words, it looks like someone pointing. Not even a phone, Andrew.

[Andrew Walsh]

Oh no.

[Luke Burbank]

Like maybe a early digital video camera at the screen. But I'm gonna play it anyway. It's 2 minutes and 4 seconds. It's starting with the guy, the very sort of mild mannered looking guy who I believe is doing a scene from maybe Taxi Driver.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah, I'm looking. Did you.

[Luke Burbank]

My wife. You.

[Andrew Walsh]

My wife. I'm looking at these. Same exact.

[Luke Burbank]

The most random guy. Do you have it there? Do you want to play it?

[Andrew Walsh]

I can play it here. It looks like the same exact one that you have though. It looks like it's two reeler. It looks like it's a VHS or something. Is it from. Yes, exactly. So let's try a scene from the movie Raging Bull.

[Luke Burbank]

A raging bull.

[Andrew Walsh]

He actually. He actually says it here. Should I skip ahead a little bit? Although you've already said it twice, I guess. Oh, that's right. Corky just puts his hands in his face and his mouth and his eyes get so wide.

[Luke Burbank]

And by the way, this guy's doing both characters, I believe, in the monologue.

[Andrew Walsh]

Okay, so I'm going to skip ahead here to. Okay, the woman is playing the piano and she's just accompanying everybody who's auditioning. And then it looks like Bob Odenkirk comes out here dressed as some sort of a vampire. Here.

[Chris Fleming]

Balmy breezes blow, your joys invite us.

[Andrew Walsh]

And as we gently roll.

[Luke Burbank]

Basically, for the last 15 years I.

[Andrew Walsh]

Have been the music teacher at Blaine High.

[Luke Burbank]

And part of my job and a.

[Andrew Walsh]

Very important part is to put on.

[Luke Burbank]

A show every year which I Have done completely by myself.

[Andrew Walsh]

This year it's going to be different because Corky, being from New York, being a professional and having put on some very theatrical productions here, is going to be directing the show. He is just so. His reserved resentment just.

[Luke Burbank]

Just simmering with rage about losing the gig.

[Andrew Walsh]

So much. So anyway, Bob is just singing. I guess he's just, for some reason, dress. That's great.

[Luke Burbank]

I had no idea, like. And I. I consider myself a real sort of Guffman aficionado, but, like, I did not know that he made an appearance. It would. It would check out. Obviously. He's probably friends with all those people also. David Cross, of course.

[Andrew Walsh]

Oh, right, of course.

[Luke Burbank]

Famously in it, he's.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah, we use that tape sometimes.

[Luke Burbank]

He's like, speaking of weather patterns, he's the guy standing in the middle of a crop circle.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah. And he literally says what you started the show by saying. He says. The joke is, he says there's always an 80% chance of rain. Always. Or something that, like, kind of doesn't make logical sense that it could always be the same. There's a non 100% chance of rain.

[Luke Burbank]

There's a point, I don't know if it's at that part of the movie or later, where they cut to David Cross trying to measure the crop circle, but his tape measure isn't long enough. So it's about half of the width of the crop circle. Then he's trying to do the rest of it just by kind of doing the splits and measure. Like, it's like, for some reason so funny to me that he's. He doesn't have a long enough tape measure for the crop circle. So he's trying to finish the last part of it just based on his stance.

[Andrew Walsh]

You know what I wonder? Because he's kind of talking voiceover while you see him doing the measurements. And I wonder if I've just never noticed that he's using his blitz to do it. Yeah. Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

Anyway, the good news is I survived my brush with youth and I learned my lesson. Don't comment on the youth's fashion unless you want to be set upon.

[Andrew Walsh]

Don't comment on anybody's fashion. I guess, unless he's Billy Bob Thornton. I guess the thing that I wanted to say before was I thought it'd be funny if I Googled or not even Google, but, like, typed into Google Maps, Avanti markets, just to see, like, would they pop up everywhere? Would they show an Avante market inside Kyra Radio on Google Maps? And the answer, sadly, is no. The Answer, sadly, is not yes. But what I did find here is a freestanding Avante market. Luke. And this is blowing my mind. So this is somewhere between. And, I don't know this area that well. It's, like, down east. I'm sorry. Yeah. East of Seatac Market. Or, I'm sorry, Seatac Airport. So it's kind of. Let's see here, between Tukwila and Renton. Maybe if I'm looking this right. Yeah. Between Tukwila and Renton, there's a freestanding Avante Market. And from the outside, it's got an Avante Market sign.

[Luke Burbank]

Is it possibly their corporate headquarters?

[Andrew Walsh]

Well, I'm looking to see if that's the case, because it definitely looks like a weird corporate building.

[Luke Burbank]

That's the case I'm looking at In Renton, Washington, there's an Avante Markets corporate office.

[Andrew Walsh]

That must be it. Yes. Yes, that's what I'm looking at. I was confused because the preview image shows somebody in a little market with a table, and they're buying things with their phone. So I thought that you could actually just walk into the Navante Market. But this is their corporate headquarters. Headquarters. But we could pay them a visit and ask them about the security cameras and whether or not they're keeping people TBTL a thon this summer from Avante Markets. What if you and I each choose our favorite Avante markets? You, me, and John, and we all join from different Avante markets, or we do a tour of some sort?

[Luke Burbank]

I feel like Avante Markets walked so that those Amazon stores could run.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yes. You know what I mean?

[Luke Burbank]

Because those Amazon things are. You know, I've used, like, one of Those in the 80s airport once. Have you seen the one that's in. I think it's in Sea Tac.

[Andrew Walsh]

I have not used the one in SeaTac. Here's the one in the stadium. Yeah, I've used.

[Luke Burbank]

That's what I. You know what I was confusing. That the one at the. At the ballpark is wild. Like, the number of cameras that are coming down from, like, the. The ceiling. It's like hundreds and hundreds. I mean, I guess that's, you know, the whole point of it.

[Andrew Walsh]

They're there for your protection.

[Luke Burbank]

They're there for the whales.

[Andrew Walsh]

Right?

[Luke Burbank]

Exactly.

[Andrew Walsh]

Exactly. Thank you, baby.

[Luke Burbank]

All right, let's thank some donors. These wonderful, generous folks are donating to tbtl, which is how this whole thing can happen. No security cameras. It is the honor system about it. This is the Avante Market of podcasting.

[Andrew Walsh]

I would like to back away from that branding.

[Luke Burbank]

You come in, you enjoy the podcast. We hope you pay for it.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah, yeah. In the way out. Please do. Don't be a Jack curly.

[Luke Burbank]

No. Be an Andrew.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

And follow the rules and help support us.

[Andrew Walsh]

Be an Andrew. Tip the robots. There's a little something. Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

Buy yourself some grease. All robots are Bender from Futurama in my mind.

[Andrew Walsh]

Buy yourself some fortified wine.

[Luke Burbank]

I want to just quickly mention again that the emails I believe now two rounds of emails have gone out to folks who are donating at the dazzling level. And if you, if you did that and you want to send in a message, we would love you to do that. We will read just, just about anything that you want to say to us. In the meantime, let's thank Kristen Kelly who's in Willoughby, New South Wales, Australia.

[Andrew Walsh]

Wow.

[Luke Burbank]

Now, do you have check in Zealand yesterday?

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah, we did. Should we check the weather again?

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah, let's find out. Actually, can we look at New South Wales, Australia specifically?

[Andrew Walsh]

I'm looking at New South Wales, Australia. It says it's 66 degrees Fahrenheit right now. Okay.

[Luke Burbank]

Wow. That's not that I'm surprised because, like obviously the seasons are reversed. So we're in what was like the kind of the dead of winter here. Shouldn't it be the dead of summer there?

[Andrew Walsh]

I would think so.

[Luke Burbank]

Getting wrong about that.

[Andrew Walsh]

But it is morning there. So it's 66 degrees at 6am so I'm wondering if Australia is a wonderful island. A little bit warmer as the day progressive but for some reason progresses, I should say. But for some reason having trouble finding the. The. Let's see. Oh, it looks like the high will be 81 today. Okay. So that's summertime.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah. Nice day for Kristen. Kristen. Thank you so much. I'm curious how Kristen heard about the show. Do you think maybe on our channel trip through Australia maybe we. We happened into Kristen maybe at that subway we went to had the best subway sandwich of my life.

[Andrew Walsh]

The one in the gas station.

[Luke Burbank]

Was that the one in the gas station?

[Andrew Walsh]

I think so. I think you like, you know why you like that sandwich so much because it was the first person to recognize our American accents.

[Luke Burbank]

I think I did. I'd forgotten about that. But yes, you're right. I did appreciate a little.

[Andrew Walsh]

Finally somebody sees us as outside.

[Luke Burbank]

I did think it was weird that as we traveled through the just absolute like hinterlands of Australia, it seemed uninteresting to people that we had American accents. Which I just thought if I was in whatever the equivalent of the Northern Territory is of America and somebody had an Australian accent. I feel like I would note it.

[Andrew Walsh]

You think you'd say something good. See, that's the thing, though. I just feel like I.

[Luke Burbank]

You wouldn't notice it or you would think it was a kind of. It was like rude to comment.

[Andrew Walsh]

I would, I would notice it privately, but I don't like saying to people, oh, I don't like talking about people's accents. I feel like that's something that they have to talk about way more than they want. If you're in an area where the way you speak your dialect is different than the local culture, if you're an Australian living in America, do you want to constantly be saying like, yes, I have an Australian accent? Yes.

[Luke Burbank]

It wouldn't be the. But see, here's the thing. It wouldn't be the accent I was commenting on. It would be the, oh, are you from Australia?

[Andrew Walsh]

Oh, right. Like so.

[Luke Burbank]

You know what I mean? It would be more like, to me, it'd be a jumping off point. It wouldn't be like, hey, hey, what's up with your accent? It would be more like, oh, wow, you seem like you might be from Australia. How do you find yourself in the Northern Territory of America, whatever that would be.

[Andrew Walsh]

And they obviously say a law enforcement conference of some sort. I'm guessing.

[Luke Burbank]

That'S how we met Brian Gordon of Woodinville, Washington, who's our second donor today. Thank you, Brian.

[Andrew Walsh]

That's right. Thank you.

[Luke Burbank]

Thank you. Also to Jeffrey Burke of New York City. Wow.

[Andrew Walsh]

They named it twice accidentally.

[Luke Burbank]

New York, New York. I'm sure that I was telling you this one of the many times I've been there in the last couple of years, but Becca and I have a little inside joke, which was when we visited, I don't know, a couple of times ago. Have you seen these 360 degree selfie.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yes.

[Luke Burbank]

Camera platforms that I'm talking about.

[Andrew Walsh]

Let me clarify. I have seen the results of them on Instagram. I've never seen one in person, I don't think. Or I walked right by it not knowing what it was.

[Luke Burbank]

You'd probably remember because, yeah, it's like a. It's like a circular platform that you stand on and it's just got this camera that's on a, you know, a rotating 360 degree arm. It goes around you and there are like many, many of them in Times Square and everyone we walked past. And then also so every like either a kind of a rickshaw or even some of the horse and carriages, basically the 360 degree camera things. And then many of the like bicycle rickshaws, they were all blasting Alicia Keys in New York Concrete jungles when you were. And it was just like, God, that's an amazing. How did they pick that song?

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

Now anytime I'm in New York and I walk past one of those, I have to videotape it playing New York and send it to Becca and go, you're not gonna believe the song they're using.

[Andrew Walsh]

Let me ask you a question.

[Luke Burbank]

Yes.

[Andrew Walsh]

Is that a standalone song or is she just on the Jay Z song? Right. Because that's a Jay Z song. Is he sampling a full song that she does or is she just featured on his.

[Luke Burbank]

I think she's featured on.

[Andrew Walsh]

That's what I've always assumed.

[Luke Burbank]

It's technically a Jay Z song, not an Alicia Keys song.

[Andrew Walsh]

I guess I think of it as.

[Luke Burbank]

An Alicia Key song.

[Andrew Walsh]

That's what I assumed. But I'm not even sure. And I'm kind of looking it up and I'm not getting great answers. But yeah, I think, I think it's the Jay Z song and it features her. I wasn't sure if maybe Jay Z loved a song by her and then, you know, either sampled it or partnered with her to like kind of reuse it.

[Luke Burbank]

I think that those little like selfie machines, 360 things, I don't know if they've got an edit, but I swear to God, you never hear Jay Z in the version that you're walking by because it's like he's just rapping. Right. But the Alicia Keys thing is the thing that's very New York focus.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

When she's singing it, and I swear to God they have like a 30 second loop that they're playing. That's just the Alicia Keys thing.

[Andrew Walsh]

Wait, hold on. Can I tell you a quick story? And I gotta be. I'm an obtuse.

[Luke Burbank]

I'm gonna ask Dave and Aaron Goulet of Edmonds, Washington if they'll allow it because there are other.

[Andrew Walsh]

Will they allow it?

[Luke Burbank]

Thinking they will. Dave and Aaron. Thank you.

[Andrew Walsh]

Or Edmonds Tens. I'm gonna be a little. I'm. I'm an oblique man's.

[Luke Burbank]

I want to. I want an Onyx black men reference every single day.

[Andrew Walsh]

I'm an oblique man, so I'll try to be opaque. Is that what he says? I think I'm reversing it now. And now I'm in my head about.

[Luke Burbank]

It, but I think he says I'm an oblique man, so I'll be obtuse. Or I'm an obtuse.

[Andrew Walsh]

Obtuse. I'm an obtuse man. So I'll try to be oblique. Yes. Anyway, I just love that line so much. I love his delivery. It lives in my head all the time. And lately we've been letting it bubble out and now we can't contain it.

[Luke Burbank]

Too much of the liking of the listeners.

[Andrew Walsh]

But I can't give all the names. But I will describe this friend as somebody who I like and somebody who we used to work with and somebody whom I go to occasional baseball games and in this case the occasional concert with. But he at between you and I has a reputation for not staying past, say the sixth or seventh inning because you want to beat traffic and stuff like that. Stuff that is like. And so usually who I will say.

[Luke Burbank]

Goodbye put on his Mount Rushmore of rappers.

[Andrew Walsh]

Exactly. I know Eminem and the Beastie Boys are both up there, which is another dazzling detail about this friend who I love. And I don't want to dunk on too much behind his back, but it was funny when one day he made conversation and asked me about the Mount Rushmore of rappers, in my opinion, and hearing his list contained a lot more whites than I expected. But that is to say, I was at a Jay Z show with him because another mutual friend of ours, I think had won the ticket it via the. The radio and then couldn't and invited and then couldn't go. So yeah, oh, what should I do?

[Luke Burbank]

Who's on your Mount Rushmore of snitching.

[Andrew Walsh]

You know, and it's too funny. I'll just leave it in. Just bleep it. Yeah, you know what? Maybe I'll believe it. But what happens is I probably said it twice. I'll bleep it once. And all these people are like, people are always so concerned when I told some long ass story about my neighbor one time and I left in his name like three times. Anyway, so this anonymous man took me to this show because he had an extra ticket.

[Luke Burbank]

The Atlanta Falcon.

[Andrew Walsh]

Hillary Clinton. Anyway, that's just for us in Simpsons Lovers. Okay. So anyway, I was really shocked because we went to the show and neither of us are huge Jay Z fans, but you know, I had several records and it was like a free show and it was like. I think it was maybe my first time. Oh, you know what? It was still Keyarena. That's right. It was the last time I went into Keyarena before it became, you know, the Amazon Center. Yeah. And anyway, I just remember my buddy, this mysterious man of the night, saying maybe before the show even began, like, all he really wanted to hear was, is it New York State of Mind? I gotta get the name of this song, whatever song we're talking about.

[Luke Burbank]

Oh, is that song specifically.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah, Empire State of Mind. Sorry, Empire State of Mind. But yeah, I remember him specifically saying, I want to hear Empire State of Mind. And then, you know, this concert starts. It's actually quite great. I had not been to an arena show in so long, and they did a really good job of. Even though we were way up in the nosebleeds, like, still making you feel like part of the show and everything, it was really great. But then Jay Z and I can't remember what the trilogy would be, although I think I knew all the songs. But he starts what is obviously a New York centric trilogy, okay. And I can't remember what the first song is. We're listening to it. Then the second song, and I think he's even referencing the fact that he's doing a little stop down tribute to New York. And then in the middle of the second song, my buddy's like, I think I'm gonna take off now. And I swear to God, this is a true story. And I was like, like, but they're gonna play your song next, man. And so he stuck around. He's like, how did you know? And I was like, because they're doing the New York songs now. This is gonna be the last song of the New York portion of the show. Obviously, it's his biggest hit anyway. I'm not trying to dunk too hard. It was just. It was sort of sweet. He's like, well, I think I'm gonna take off. I'm like, dude, I think you're. I think if you stick around, you're gonna hear your song Empire State.

[Luke Burbank]

That's sort of like the. Speaking of the Simpsons, one of, I think, my favorite. I mean, it's very hard to pick one, but, like, when Homer goes to a Bachman Turner Overdrive concert and he's like, play. He's yelling, play. Taking care of business. And they finally agree. They're like, okay. They start playing it, and then they just start. He yells, play the work in overtime workout part. He just doesn't even want. He just wants one part of the song. Oh, it feels good to laugh and thank Matthew McClure, who's in Glen Ellyn, Illinois. That's a place I don't know if I've heard of other than maybe last year when Matthew donated. Thank you, Matthew.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah, thanks.

[Luke Burbank]

Matthew, hope you're doing well in Glen Ellen. And then, of course, Eric Ryden is checking in from Seattle, Washington, a place that I know and love and think about often. Thank you very much, Eric. Thank you to all of our donors for making TBTL possible today. Thank you for not just fast forwarding to the work and overtime workout part of the show, but thanks for listening to all of this and supporting it. We really do appreciate you.

[Andrew Walsh]

Hello and welcome to Top Story.

[Luke Burbank]

So a coyote has apparently managed to swim to Alcatraz. They've never seen this before. First of all, as a person who barely cleared the marina in San Francisco Bay that one time for a TV story, I can't believe this juvenile coyote pulled this off. I think animals are just made of tougher stuff than us humans.

[Andrew Walsh]

Than you and me. Than you and me.

[Luke Burbank]

Certainly than me. I can't speak for you, but man, like, having spent five minutes in the. Really, my takeaway from doing that little swimming project was like, there's no way those dudes escaped from Alcatraz. They 100% died. Like, that water is crazy. But here's the problem. So first of all, they. People saw the coyote swimming. They saw it get onto Alcatraz, but it was very, it was very wet. Obviously it was shivering. It was cold. It was like it didn't. They didn't think the coyote was going to survive. But now it has survived and now they don't know what to do with it because it turns out that that island is like a rookery for like thousands and thousands of cormorants and other kind of birds. Birds. And they're worried the coyote is going to eat all the birds.

[Andrew Walsh]

Oh, I did hear that part because I know I was just seeing bits and pieces about this and I don't remember where, but I remember saying somebody saying, like, I'm obsessed with the coyote. Did they know that the coyote was heading out there before? Because I feel like I saw some update in one of my feeds that said the coyote made it and now he's chomping down.

[Luke Burbank]

Well, they found one like bird, like a bird skeleton that was picked clean. And their assumption is it was probably the coyote because maybe there's not anything else out there that they know that would have done that. I, I don't think. Well, of course, who can really know, Andrew? Who truly can know what lies in the heart of a coyote other than wanting to get that dang roadrunner?

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

But one of the theories is that it just, it got. The coyote was. Got spooked or was out for a swim or was with other coyotes and got sort of separated by the current again, who can know? But.

[Andrew Walsh]

But.

[Luke Burbank]

But it seems like there's a theory that it wasn't trying to go to Alcatraz. It was just for some weird reason in the water and then, like, the closest thing that was shoreline for it to get to. But to me, it. I don't know it. So they're also worried that the coyote won't survive for long because there's no shade on Alcatraz, which is kind of weird to me. So they're trying to trap it and get it off of there. I don't know. I feel like. It seems to me like it is. Is that. I guess my question is, is that nature just doing what nature do? In other words, these birds have been living there and nesting and having their babies out there because they can. But then, like, if it was a thousand years ago and a coyote swam out there, maybe it just becomes Coyote island now, right? Isn't that just nature doing nature?

[Andrew Walsh]

I guess. I also sort of wonder, was there a moment where we as a human might look back and realize, oh, we're a quarter of the way out. We should turn around because we can't make it. But maybe the coyote's like, once you're on this journey, you just. Just go forward. I am reminded of something, and unfortunately.

[Luke Burbank]

Coyotes famously have very little regret.

[Andrew Walsh]

He does not.

[Luke Burbank]

Look.

[Andrew Walsh]

As soon as he looks down, he's in trouble. So this is a show where we're taking some pretty wild swings on content, on tape that we're playing even by our standards. Even by our standards. So I don't know if this works at all, but what you're talking about really reminds me of some tape that really effed with me last week when I saw it. And you might already be familiar with this, but if you're not, I'm going to need you to put eyes on this as well, Luke. And the listeners, we're just going to have to bring them along with us. But have you seen the clip that you will find if you Google nihilist Penguin, Werner Herzog. Okay, this is one of the saddest things I've ever seen in my life. So this is part of some doc, and I don't know what the doc is. I'll bet you some listeners know that I don't. But this is a SC from one of his docs that apparently focuses on nature, I'm guessing, and Werner off camera, is talking to some penguin expert. And by the way, there's no, like, death or there's no predator, prey stuff going on.

[Luke Burbank]

Oh, that's what I thought was gonna be.

[Andrew Walsh]

No, no, no, I wouldn't. I wouldn't do that. No, no, no, no, I wouldn't do that. But this is. This is sad in a different way. That's gonna make your soul cry. So it begins with some voices. You're gonna hear Werner off camera, talking to this guy, asking him something absolutely batshit. It's something. Can a penguin go insane? I think he asked this guy, can a penguin go insane? And then the camera just starts to follow these penguins. And most of them all are going to one place, some sort of ice floe or something. And then there's just one penguin that decides to strike out on his own, and they have no idea why.

[Werner Herzog]

Dr. Ainley, is there such thing as insanity among penguins? I try to avoid a definition of insanity or derangement. I don't mean that a penguin might believe he or she is Lenin, Napoleon Bonaparte, but could they just go crazy because they've had enough of their colony?

[Andrew Walsh]

I'm gonna pause it here. Are you watching along?

[Luke Burbank]

I'm watching it. Right.

[Andrew Walsh]

First of all, isn't it a fine crazy. He brings up Napoleon, which, I mean, just what a wild ride in any conversation with him. And so the guy's going to try to answer this batshit question as best as he can. Well, I've never seen a penguin bashing its head against a rock. They do get disoriented. They end up in places they shouldn't be, long way from the ocean.

[Werner Herzog]

These penguins are all heading to the open water to the right. But one of them caught our eye, the one in the center.

[Andrew Walsh]

So all these penguins, most of the penguins, are moving way off to the right. This is a very, very wide shot of a white snowy ice as he expands. And then there's two little penguins left in the shot. And then one of them starts walking back to where he came from. So most of them are moving to the right, one of them is moving to the left, leaving this one lonely penguin just standing still in the middle of this nowhere.

[Werner Herzog]

He would neither go towards the feeding grounds at the edge of the ice nor return to the colony. Shortly after we afterwards, we saw him heading straight towards the mountains some 70km away. Dr. Ainley explained that even if he caught him and brought him back to the colony, he would immediately head right back for the mountains. But why?

[Andrew Walsh]

So now we see some closer footage of him.

[Luke Burbank]

I can't handle that little penguin.

[Andrew Walsh]

I know.

[Luke Burbank]

First of all, he's sliding on his belly.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah, you see that? He slides and then just gets right back up. I guess that's how they do. And then there's some people out there, but the people are not allowed to touch them. So the people just stand stock still and let the penguin just walk right by him, which must be so hard. You see this little tuxedo guy? They're like, little buddy, don't head to the mountains. You're not going to survive there.

[Werner Herzog]

One of these disorient the deranged penguins showed up at the New harbor diving camp, already some 80km away from where it should be. The rules for the humans do not disturb or hold up. The penguin, stand still and let him go on his way. And here he's heading off into the interior of the vast continent. With 5,000km ahead of him, he's heading towards certain death.

[Andrew Walsh]

I'm gonna cry. Is that not the saddest thing? When that penguin walks by the human and the human is doing what he's supposed to do, just stand very still and the penguin stretches out his wing. But why?

[Luke Burbank]

Why not?

[Andrew Walsh]

Nature help the.

[Luke Burbank]

See, this is the thing. We take it as a given that we can't mess with nature at all. But in this case, how could it be worse for this penguin than. Than what it was going to do to itself?

[Andrew Walsh]

Do you need me to get Wes on the line?

[Luke Burbank]

Wait. Who may or may not be a real person.

[Andrew Walsh]

Did you get the latest pitch from Wes at PETA, by the way?

[Luke Burbank]

No. Have I. But maybe it's in my email and I haven't checked it.

[Andrew Walsh]

It was from a couple of weeks ago. He said, here's a letter that we sent Jody Allen to try to convince her to use a robot Osprey instead of a real life Osprey at the Seahawks games. Which, honestly, I wouldn't be against a robot. That would be pretty awesome. Why not?

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah. It's weird that the NFL. Did you see this? That Roger Goodell had to go on the record as saying the NFL is not pressuring her to sell the Seahawks.

[Andrew Walsh]

I am so confused because I feel like this story whips back and forth, but he was. Was it yesterday, the day before? He was on a. He was being interviewed as something related to probably the buildup to the Super Bowl. Right. And I saw that he had weighed in, but I wasn't clear as to what he said because there is a. She does have to sell. Right? Legally. Right?

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah.

[Andrew Walsh]

It's in.

[Luke Burbank]

It's in the will of Paul Allen or something.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah. Which I don't understand why that was in his will that.

[Luke Burbank]

Well, I think because he wanted his assets. He wanted his fortune to be sort of distributed to, I think, various charitable causes. And obviously, the Portland Trail Blazers and the Seattle Seahawks are two extremely big assets in his portfolio. So I think it was just kind of the sort of the dispersal of his, again, assets. So it has to happen. But it's also weird because Roger Goodell said, you know, like, she's been a great owner. They're at the super bowl, which is all true. And, you know, when it's time for her to sell it or when she decides to sell it, we'll support her on that. But I thought it's probably just. It's legal.

[Andrew Walsh]

Right.

[Luke Burbank]

It's, like, when she decides to sell it. Like, I guess I haven't looked at the will, but it sounds like it's not really up to her.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah, that's what I'm confused about. In, like, was there a timeline built in? Because it was. It was pretty shocking. Like, I think the headline broke last Thursday, I want to say, or maybe last Friday.

[Luke Burbank]

Weird timing when your team is about to play in the Super Bowl.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah, it was broken by espn, but picked up by the Seattle Times. And that's how I saw it, as, like, an actual news alert. Like, the Seahawks will be sold after the Super Bowl. And then the Jody Allen Seahawks front office came out and completely denied it, said, this is not true. Yes, eventually the team will have to be sold. That's in the will. But the plans are not being made right now. And so it sort of sounds like there are some insiders who are claiming that things are already moving, and then for some reason, maybe because they don't want to take away from the super bowl or be a distraction to the team. I don't know what, but they are, like, pretty vociferously denying that wheels are in motion now. So I'm not exactly sure about the whole thing, but I guess we got to be ready for it to happen at some point, which is kind of a bummer because to her credit, she's hiring the right people to do the right things. And, I mean, she seems like such a good custodian for the team.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah. I mean, if she would just get a robot Osprey, I think she'd be all the way there.

[Andrew Walsh]

We're so close.

[Luke Burbank]

The thing that really terrifies me about that is the fact that Jeff Bezos is being bandied about as somebody who might buy this. He tried to buy the Washington Football Team guess. And he was. He didn't. He wasn't able to pull it off somehow. Like, you want to talk about really, really bumming me out about my football team? If you let old Lex Luthor buy them. Yeah.

[Andrew Walsh]

Although in this day and age, are there any. Is. Is there anybody afford a football team that, you know, that's a good person? Like, it's just.

[Luke Burbank]

No. You could only get the amount of wealth that you need to buy a football team through. Through basically victimizing people.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

On some level. Like. No. Like, you know, the singer James Taylor doesn't have enough money to buy the Seahawks. I was trying to think of the. Of the gentlest soul that I could think of. And James Taylor is.

[Andrew Walsh]

Who came to mind or his brother, Livingston Taylor. It's my dream to someday say to James Taylor, aren't you Livingston's brother? Anyway. Yeah. This conversation has depressed me. Can we cheer ourselves up with that penguin tape again? Just roll it.

[Luke Burbank]

Exactly.

[Andrew Walsh]

Roll it back. By the way, don't you. I feel like Werner Herzog. He says he's not trying to be mean, but the second time that he refers to the penguin as deranged, as it just follows its own.

[Luke Burbank]

Well, we know he has it out for birds.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah, that's right. He hates chickens. I wonder if that's from the same dock. Yeah.

[Luke Burbank]

Oh, maybe it's a whole doc about birds or something.

[Andrew Walsh]

Maybe. I don't know what this is from that I was playing. All I know is it really impacted me last week.

[Luke Burbank]

Yeah. No, and thank you for putting that evil inside me because I will never. I don't think you saw it, but I was holding up the. This little penguin to the thing because, you know, Addie and I have a whole penguin thing. When she was a little kid, I had this book. We had this book called Tacky the Penguin, about a penguin who doesn't fit in with the other very buttoned up, kind of fancy penguins. He's kind of. In fact, he's wearing the same shirt that Nick Nolte is wearing in his mugshot.

[Andrew Walsh]

Okay.

[Luke Burbank]

Which is to say a Hawaiian shirt. And he's kind of an embarrassment to all the other penguins. And then of course, at the end, it turns out that tacky, sort of gregarious nature saves them from these hunters that have come to catch the penguins. Anyway, so Addie and I have always kind of loved penguins. And we have this whole thing where it's like if we ever. If, like there's. And oftentimes they'll sell penguins kind of in like little you know, sculptures of them whatever whatever. In two, there'll be a big one and a little one. So if I ever see that, I buy them, I send the little one to her, and I keep the big one or vice versa. So I feel especially connected to the idea of penguins. And that video really bummed me out.

[Andrew Walsh]

When you held up that little penguin statuette. I don't know if you recall this, because you've told that before. And I think I always rejoinder. Is that the right word with this story? Because Veeves and I also have a thing about penguin, especially that little statuette. And this is hard to explain. And I think it originates as gifts from Genevieve's mom. And Genevieve's mom might be listening. So apologies. Geez, Meg, if I get this wrong, but I think so. Genevieve also has, or we have a penguin little tchotchke about the size of the one you have there, maybe slightly taller than it. And I think we got that as a gift when Genevieve and I were on Christmas Day. This is my memory. We were opening up gifts, and Genevieve's mom had that little penguin wrapped up in something. We opened it up, and we're like, oh, it's a little penguin. And then. And this is my memory. Tell me I could be wrong about this. Maybe Genevieve will tell me if I'm wrong. But then we were opening more gifts, and we found a penguin that is maybe a 16th of the size of that thing. Like, tiny. Like, smaller than your thumbnail was in another gift. And so Genevieve and I immediately. And this is going back 20 years or something, just started riffing about, like, looking at. At the slightly bigger penguin and screaming. I said I wanted a small penguin. God damn it. And then we found this, like, tiny, tiny, tiny guy. And that tiny, tiny guy is now living in this tiny little, like, fake toy kitchenette thing that we have stuck to our wall in our kitchen. He's just like a tiny, tiny little guy. So we also have little, tiny penguins in our life, too.

[Luke Burbank]

So you also feel the pain of that penguin.

[Andrew Walsh]

I do love pain penguin. So if you were to ask me as a kid or, I mean now, I don't know if I have opinions on the matter. I gotta check in with Wes. But, like, I. I know that there is a. You know, for most of my life, if you had said, what is your favorite animal? I would have said a penguin. And I did say a penguin. I just think that they're just absolutely adorable. They waddle around. They look like they're all dressed up.

[Luke Burbank]

Like they have those Some of them are gay.

[Andrew Walsh]

That's right. That's right.

[Luke Burbank]

I love that for them. They're very, very interesting. Little animal. Exactly.

[Andrew Walsh]

Here I go once again with the email. Every week I hope that it's from a female. Oh, man, it's not from a female.

[Luke Burbank]

All right, any emails or V mails before we get out of here today?

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah, somebody sent us this voice memo. I don't know if I have a name attached to it or not. It doesn't look like I've put their name in, but I think they'll identify themselves. This looks like kind of a long message, but the only thing I know about it, I haven't heard the whole thing, but I know that it is coming from the field and it involves the conversation around backing in when you're my favorite topic. Your favorite topic, exactly. Famously, you've shackled me to you as the listeners pull you down. Just a reminder to everybody. I don't care.

[Dan (Listener/Caller)]

Hey, Luke and Andrew, it's Dan in Seattle reporting here from the sky zone trampoline park in South Center. As you're back end parking correspondent, I just walked through the parking lot and this is interesting because this is a parking lot. It's inside a like garage area, like a big warehouse type thing. And this, it's tight. It gets really busy here at the trampoline park. Kids come here a lot. And this, the parking spots are angled and so as you're driving, you know the direction you're supposed to go. In the, in the like road thing, you're supposed to pull in at an angle into a spot. And I just walked past most of the cars in this thing and only two are backed in and both of them are trucks, larger trucks, kind of aggressive stickers. And first of all, what that means.

[Andrew Walsh]

Is either they had to do a.

[Dan (Listener/Caller)]

Really complicated thing to back into the spot because the angled nature of the parking spots or they just went the wrong way to be able to back into them. And then second of all, it means when they leave, it defeats the purpose of backing into the spot because it's way easier to back out of an angled parking spot than to nose out of an angled parking spot. They're going to have to do an extreme sort of like 135 degree turn to get out and likely a, you know, three to six point turn to get out of their spot in this tight parking lot. And lastly, the coding that Luke brings up, one of them had a ball cap in the dashboard that said make prayer great again.

[Andrew Walsh]

Prayer.

[Dan (Listener/Caller)]

And this one I'm Looking at right now has a just black and white American flag on the gas, like the gas area.

[Luke Burbank]

That's been my problem with the American flags. Too much color.

[Andrew Walsh]

Too much color. I know.

[Dan (Listener/Caller)]

You know, any changing of the American flag, well, it's a fraught symbol anyway. But making it black and white, it just always makes me a little nervous.

[Andrew Walsh]

I don't know what it means.

[Dan (Listener/Caller)]

I know what it means when it's got a blue line through the middle. I don't know if the only black and white one means. It means punisher, but it feels like it means something, especially in this context. So for my money, put. Put a, you know, check in the column of little bit strangely coded behavior with the backing in of the trucks in the parking lot.

[Andrew Walsh]

All right.

[Dan (Listener/Caller)]

Love the show.

[Andrew Walsh]

That is interesting that I got that call. The angled. I really didn't know where that was going, by the way. I didn't know if that was going to. Absolutely.

[Luke Burbank]

You'd have never played it if you were supporting me.

[Andrew Walsh]

Yeah, right. Yeah. Because I'm so antagonistic towards you all the. It is interesting, like, in that case, because I'm with most listeners, like, well, it does make sense. If you're driving a truck, backing in does make sense. And I think that for other people, I just think that it makes sense in a lot of cases. But it really doesn't seem to make sense in an angled spot like that because it would be so much harder to do. Because as he was describing it, you're driving down. Dan was having trouble thinking of what to call it. But you're driving down, let's say, an aisle, and you have those angled parking signs, spots. I think of them almost as cilia. Sort of like you're going kind of against the grain, so you can easily nose into one. But to back into one of those, I don't even know how you would begin to do it. And especially in a garage like that.

[Luke Burbank]

I will say that, yes. I mean, there are certainly some examples of certain vehicles where probably it makes sense. So, you know, and people have emailed me and said, well, I drive this kind of rig and this is why I need to do it or whatever. But I do think living in red America, like, I do do, that there is a certain weird, like, tactical nature to it. I don't know if it's that you think you need to escape the Walmart parking lot in case of an emergency or something. There's something about it that feels like I said a little Republican coded to me. So I appreciate that listener agreeing with Me and proving me right once and for all.

[Andrew Walsh]

I mean, yeah, I think there's a. Definitely a correlation between those kinds of trucks and the political leanings that you mentioned.

[Luke Burbank]

Sure. Maybe it's truck related more so than.

[Andrew Walsh]

Parking related, in other words. Yeah. I do think that if you could, if you drive a big truck like that, no matter how you view the world, it makes sense to back in. But I think that those trucks go way more towards people who have the views as you describe them.

[Luke Burbank]

So I feel like the parking sort of is the secondary effect.

[Andrew Walsh]

That's how I feel. In other words, if somebody lost their truck in a gambling thing, I, I don't know how some, some guy, he's got a giant truck, he's got the Sasquatch on the back of it. But then he says he's at a poker game and for some reason he says all in. And this is everything I know about poker by the way. He says all in the truck keys. And he puts the truck keys in the middle and he pushes it in the middle. Right. And then. And he loses it because he's only got what's a bad hand?

[Luke Burbank]

Oh, a jack too.

[Andrew Walsh]

He's got a jack.

[Luke Burbank]

That's the worst hand you Right.

[Andrew Walsh]

Which is also what he nick named his truck, the Jack 2 by the way, which is coincidental. But anyway, so then he can't afford another truck so he has to buy a Kia Soul. And because by the way, I saw.

[Luke Burbank]

Kia Soul with a blue lives hamsters living in it.

[Andrew Walsh]

I saw Kia Soul with a blue lives matter sticker on it or like a little magnet or something, but the kind that Dan was describing there like the black and white flag with the blue stripe. And I was like, wow, that might be the only key of soul with a blue lives matter sticker on it. Anyway. Anyway, I'm just wondering what's even smaller a Geo prism. What's the smallest car you can think of? Is this guy who lost this conservative MAGA guy who lost his truck in this well told poker game that I described.

[Luke Burbank]

72 offsuit would be the worst possible. And I said Jack 2 because I've been annoyed at people betting into me with the Jack 2. But that's not technically the worst. 7:2 offsuit would be the worst.

[Andrew Walsh]

I was going to say something but I didn't want to embarrass you. But anyway, is he backing his Geo prism in because he thinks like, well, I'm still who I am politically. Kind of doubt it, but maybe. You think so?

[Luke Burbank]

I think he would. Well, you're right, because I. It's not exclusively trucks that I see doing. It's. It's all manner of vehicle, but it is. It's more. Tends to be trucks. But I think that guy, I think he would also back his. You know, again, it's hard to prove sort of a hypothetical in this way, but I think he would back his geoprism. I mean, I don't have a truck.

[Andrew Walsh]

And he was a cute little penguin. Penguin. And he just like hops down like two or three hops and just keep waddling up.

[Luke Burbank]

Walked away from everyone and everything that ever loved it. That's what I need to do. You know what?

[Andrew Walsh]

Wait. You need to walk away from everything that loves you?

[Luke Burbank]

No. When I see somebody in the world who bugs me, they've got to make prayer great again. Hat in their truck. I just got to imagine them as a sad little penguin. Yeah. I didn't get enough love.

[Andrew Walsh]

Lost their way.

[Luke Burbank]

Find some empathy for them. So that's the takeaway from today's episode.

[Andrew Walsh]

Episode.

[Luke Burbank]

All right, thank you everyone, for listening. That's going to wrap it up for today. But we are going to be right back here tomorrow with more of this here imaginary radio. So if you can please join us for that. In the meantime, everybody, have a great Tuesday. Take care of yourselves, stay safe, and please remember, no mountain too tall.

[Andrew Walsh]

And good luck to all.

[Werner Herzog]

The enormity of their flat brain, the enormity of their stupidity is just overwhelming. You have to do yourself a favor. When you're out in the countryside and you see chicken, try to look a chicken in the eye with great intensity. And the intensity of stupidity that is looking back at you, it's just amazing.

[Andrew Walsh]

Power out.