#4690 Let The Botulism Hit The Floor - TBTL: Too Beautiful To Live

Transcript

Andrew Walsh (0:00)

Yes.

Seth (0:02)

Hello, Val.

Luke Burbank (0:04)

Hi. Hi, guys.

Seth (0:06)

Hey, Val. Thanks for calling in. Val, you got Seth here, team leader.

Luke Burbank (0:10)

Hi, Seth.

Seth (0:12)

You got Kyle on the line.

Luke Burbank (0:13)

Kyle, Hi.

Seth (0:15)

Hey, Val, you got Kevin.

Luke Burbank (0:17)

Okay, Kevin. Yeah. So I just think it's time to kind of circle the wagons and touch base.

Seth (0:24)

Yeah, that's great. You took the words right. We wanted to touch base with you, to just dovetail on what you just said and just let you know that we are full steam ahead on our end. And we are, you know, we are ready to deliver.

Luke Burbank (0:36)

And we're.

Seth (0:37)

We're very excited for the numbers that we've been seeing, both on your end and on our end, and just in the market in general. We're very excited about everything that we've been seeing, and we just want you to know that we're ready to start the conversation on this whenever you are. So, yeah, not to jump the gun on that, but we just wanted to talk about, you know, how to create sort of a roadmap on how to move forward financially on your end. On our end. In a way that sort of makes. In a way that makes sense, in an organic way that makes sense for all of us involved.

Luke Burbank (1:12)

I appreciate that. I just. I guess maybe we should talk about sort of best practices, how to make this scalable, you know? Right.

Seth (1:20)

Scalability is key.

Andrew Walsh (1:21)

Tbtm.

Luke Burbank (1:27)

I don't know a lot about business,

Andrew Walsh (1:28)

but he did an Internet and now

Luke Burbank (1:30)

the computer's like him and Wall street is Google. I was listening to your program on my car radio.

Summary

TBTL: Too Beautiful To Live
Episode #4690: Let The Botulism Hit The Floor
March 24, 2026

Episode Overview

In this lively, meandering Tuesday edition, hosts Luke Burbank and Andrew Walsh dive headlong into the faux-serious tribulations of daily life—from road trip snack disasters and the existential question of new soda flavors, to the perils of public bathroom emergencies. Along the way, they commemorate Global Smurfs Day (sort of), dissect the semiotics of Diet Coke, recount childhood milk mishaps, and painstakingly construct the most definitive "Do You Have to Poop?" scale ever heard on a podcast. Classic TBTL: meandering, meta, warmly self-deprecating, and surprisingly heartfelt.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Business Speak Cold Open/Comedy of Corporate Jargon

(00:00–01:20)

The show opens with a tongue-in-cheek roleplay of a conference call brimming with meaningless business lingo.
Jokes about "scalability," "roadmaps," and "dovetailing" poke fun at generic corporate culture.

Notable Quote:

Luke: "I don't know a lot about business, but I did an Internet and now the computer's like him and Wall Street is Google." (01:27)

2. Blue People, Smurf Day & The Benefits of Odd Coincidences

(03:39–07:46)

Luke teases an upcoming story about a man in England who turned physically blue, leading to a string of Arrested Development jokes.
Andrew notes that he looks blue on camera, tying in with the blue theme.
Together, they riff on "Global Smurfs Day," its true date (June 25th, birthday of Smurfs creator Peyo), and ways to properly celebrate it.

Notable Quotes:

Andrew: "It cannot be a coincidence that today is International Smurf Day." (04:55)
Luke: "Honestly, it's less of a day and more a state of mind." (05:09)

3. Milk Mishap Childhood Memory & The Cost of Gas

(09:48–13:26)

Luke recalls growing up in a cost-conscious household where even gas and milk prices were major concerns.
Shares a vivid childhood memory: trying to carry a full gallon of milk home on his head, dropping it, and watching it explode in an alley.
The story becomes a springboard for contemplating how adulthood has (mostly) unburdened him from fixating on the price of essentials—until now.

Notable Quotes:

Luke: "I always had to go buy the milk at this 7-Eleven because it...had slightly cheaper milk. I remember getting the milk and then walking back...I tried to hold the two gallon jug on my head...and it exploded." (11:00)
Andrew: “Let the Bottles Hit the Floor—show title?” (12:00)
Luke: “Let the Botulism Hit the Floor.” (12:06)

4. The Great Gas Station Snack Disaster: The Coke Zero Cherry Float Incident

(25:38–32:24)

Luke’s road trip gas station stop goes awry when he accidentally grabs a Coke Zero Cherry Float, thinking it’s a plain Coke Zero, only to discover the flavor is unpalatable and ruins his cherished peanuts-and-soda synergy.
This leads to a tirade against unnecessary soda flavors, which he blames on capitalism and shareholder greed: "We don’t need any more soda flavors. We've done it."
Andrew broadens the critique to include all food products: "You can't find the original flavor of anything anymore—everything has to be flavor jazzed."

Notable Quotes:

Luke: “This is my hot take: We don’t need any more soda flavors. We've done it, world.” (31:50)
Andrew: “It’s not just sodas, it’s everything…you can’t find the original anymore, everything has to be flavor jazzed.” (33:03)

5. Soda Sales, Consumer Behavior, and Graveyard Sodas

(34:03–44:53)

The conversation organically shifts to the psychology (and economics) of soda shopping, including wild 12-pack discount sales.
Andrew admits to the childlike tradition of building “graveyard” sodas by mixing all flavors at the fountain, particularly at movie theaters.
They reminisce about discovering this trick as kids at AM/PM.

Notable Quotes:

Andrew: “Are you a child or something?” (to himself, after being caught making a graveyard soda—37:08)
Luke: "At the movie theater, you’re in Wonka land…you’re there for an adventure...you’re gonna weird up your soda." (41:25)

6. Coke Zero vs. Diet Coke vs. the Real Dish

(44:53–56:04)

Parsing the differences between Diet Coke and Coke Zero, Luke shares his "big red X" rule against drinking full-sugar sodas, rationalizing that Coke Zero is “80% as good” as the real thing.
Andrew argues that Coke Zero tastes nothing like regular Coke: “I think you have forgotten what regular Coke tastes like if you think Coke Zero tastes just like Coke.”
They agree that Diet Coke has become its own unique, beloved flavor for many, a “category mistake” that’s acquired its own fans.

Notable Quotes:

Andrew: "Coke Zero to me is kind of in between a Coke and a sparkling water...think of it as cola-flavored Fresca." (54:59)
Luke: "Whatever that thing is...Diet Coke is now just its own distinct category of flavor." (56:04)

7. Listener Dazzling Donors & Social Advocacy

(61:11–65:00)

Listener Jackie Justice, an attorney from Tacoma, uses her segment to advocate for kids and families facing immigration proceedings, plugging organizations Kids In Need of Defense (supportkind.org) and Northwest Immigrant Rights Project (nwirp.org).
The hosts praise her work and underscore the crisis of legal representation for children.

8. The “Do You Have to Poop?” Scale: A TBTL Landmark

(75:17–98:36)

Inspired by a listener text, Andrew reads out “The Do You Have to Poop Scale” (0-10), sparking a very TBTL-style granular debate about the somatic, social, and logistical intricacies of bathroom emergencies.
Luke and Andrew compare their personal thresholds and travel anxieties, culminating in a classic “walk of shame” story of Luke using a gym bathroom in his girlfriend’s building to avoid the more intimate home option.
Serious air freshener discourse: "Does air freshener eventually always smell bad because you associate it with bad smells?"
They note how, for both, urgency escalates quickly from nothing to “DEFCON 8,” with little warning.

Top “Poop Scale” Segments:

0: “There’s no way I could poop right now. I’m ready for my colonoscopy.”
4: “My morning cup of coffee is done and it’s working. I’m not quite near a restroom, but making a plan now.”
8: “I’d be willing to go into a dive bar with no stall door.”
10: “I am pooping right now, even if I’m at my wedding altar.”

9. Meta Moments & Notable Exchanges

Running gags about “Global Smurfs Day,” modern food innovation gone awry, and “Don’t let it get to an 8!” as existential advice.
Luke: “In the land of one soda flavor, the man with one soda flavor is king.” (36:59)
Andrew on lengthy bathroom trips: “I’ll walk in front of the restaurant on a fake phone call if I have to create plausible deniability.” (93:37)

Timestamps for Major Segments

00:00–01:21: Cold open—satire of corporate jargon
03:39–07:46: Blue people news / Smurf Day exploration
09:48–13:43: Gas prices, childhood milk disaster
25:38–32:24: Gas station snack story—Coke Zero Cherry Float debacle
34:03–44:53: Soda sales, graveyard sodas, economics of impulse buying
44:53–56:04: Coke Zero, Diet Coke, and the great sweetener debate
61:11–65:00: Dazzling donors, immigration advocacy plug
75:17–98:36: The “Do You Have to Poop?” scale, public restroom stories, air freshener trauma

Episode Highlights in Original Tone

On Smurfs:
Luke: “I don’t think it should be confined to one day. Our smurfin’ attitudes should never miss the opportunity to la la la la la la la la la.” (06:09)
On the Coke Zero Cherry Float Debacle:
Luke: “A zero calorie drink that is supposed to taste like an ice cream float...It was so horrific that I could, I literally could not [drink it].” (29:50)
On Capitalism and New Flavors:
Luke: “This is because of shareholders...late-stage capitalism...so many ways capitalism has destroyed this planet, but none more so than what happened to me yesterday in the car.” (31:50–32:24)
On Diet Coke Fandom:
Luke: “That is what life is about, the circles aligning—like the DVD player screensaver bouncing perfectly into the corner.” (45:46)
On the Poop Scale:
Andrew: “Number eight is ‘I’d be willing to go into a dive bar with no stall door on it right now.’” (94:03)
On Air Freshener:
Andrew: “Does air freshener eventually always just smell bad because you used it to cover up bad smells for so long?” (90:47)
Closing Wisdom:
Luke: “Don’t let it get to an 8, people… No mountain too tall.” (99:16 onward)

Memorable Moments

The “let the botulism hit the floor” show title riff, adapted from a classic nu-metal song lyric.
Luke’s passionate, satirical monologue about soda innovation and “the man with one soda flavor.”
Extremely detailed, comical mapping of the universal anxiety-driven “Do You Have to Poop” scale, with personal war stories.
Heartfelt listener messages about real-world advocacy, woven seamlessly into the TBTL goofball tapestry.

Conclusion

Perfectly encapsulating TBTL’s blend of the trivial and the profound, episode 4690 invites listeners to appreciate the comic absurdity of life’s smallest frustrations and greatest bodily emergencies, while sneaking in real-world care about immigrants’ and children’s rights—not to mention a warning to always check your soda label (and your poop scale) before crisis hits.