TED Radio Hour – "Getting What You Want: A Guide to Negotiating"
Original air date: March 6, 2026
Host: Manoush Zomorodi
Main guests: Alex Carter (Columbia Law Professor, Mediator), Magdalena Hoeller (Linguist)
Episode Overview
This TED Radio Hour episode explores the art and science of negotiation—from high-stakes business deals to the everyday negotiations in our homes and relationships. Host Manoush Zomorodi speaks with Columbia law professor and professional mediator Alex Carter about transforming negotiation from adversarial confrontations into collaborative problem-solving. In the second half, linguist Magdalena Hoeller discusses the challenges and hidden dynamics in negotiations within intercultural romantic relationships, offering insights on language, humor, power, and building a unique "microculture" as a couple.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Rethinking Negotiation: From Competition to Collaboration
[01:20–03:17]
- Alex Carter recalls a personal anecdote from her honeymoon: failing to "negotiate" navigation while kayaking with her husband led to mishaps.
- The moment a tour guide said, "Let's negotiate these things to the left," made her rethink the meaning of negotiation—not as winning or losing, but as steering together.
"I came out of that honeymoon realizing I had learned totally the wrong idea about negotiation. ... I was primed to think that negotiating meant competing full stop. You're out to win, and maybe even more than that, you're out for somebody else to lose."
— Alex Carter [03:24]
2. Mediation and the Power of Questions
[06:22–08:30]
- Carter explains her shift from litigation to mediation, emphasizing building relationships and steering conversations strategically.
- The most transformative tool: open-ended questions, specifically leading with "Tell me..." rather than closed questions.
- Using "Tell me all about..." unlocks information and trust.
"'Tell me...' is the biggest question you can ask and it is the most powerful first question in any negotiation—at work or at home."
— Alex Carter [08:27]
-
In mediation, asking people to elaborate on their situation instead of immediately focusing on numbers or legal claims helps defuse tension and uncovers underlying needs.
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Memorable mediation story: A heated dispute between two women settled instantly when Carter asked one about a necklace featuring her show dog—which led to discovering both women were show dog owners.
"We went from yelling to settled. Dogs, man, in 15 minutes. They wanted to hate each other. The show dog connection was just too strong.”
— Alex Carter [12:12]
3. Preparing for Negotiation: "The Mirror"
[15:58–18:34]
- Carter emphasizes that every negotiation has two parts: first, negotiating with yourself (“the mirror") and clarifying your own needs; second, negotiating with the external party.
- People often fail to identify their true priorities, both tangible (e.g., salary, resources) and intangible (e.g., autonomy, communication, challenge).
- She encourages a detailed self-inventory before any negotiation.
"Even experienced, credentialed, brilliant people didn't know how to answer that question—what do you need?"
— Alex Carter [17:06]
4. The Importance of Listening and Curiosity
[18:34–21:43]
- Encourages negotiators to ask the other party what they need—not as acquiescence, but as a strategic move.
"Asking, 'What do you need?' is one of the most powerful strategic moves you can make for yourself in a negotiation."
— Alex Carter [18:53]
- Listening in silence after asking is crucial; silence can prompt the other side to offer more than expected.
"Want to know the secret to great deals? Shut up. ... Recent research found that leaving a period of silence in negotiation not only made it more likely that the other person would give you a high value move, but it also came across as collaborative."
— Narrator/Additional Speaker [21:43]
5. Navigating Power Dynamics and Building Trust
[22:01–25:10]
- Despite tough markets, Carter argues negotiation is still possible, and not advocating for yourself can be a red flag for the employer.
- Old-school tactics (playing poker, hiding your position) are outdated; information is accessible, and relationships matter more for long-term success.
6. Relationships and Long-Term Outcomes
[26:32–28:16]
- Negotiation is not just transactional. The person across the table often becomes your partner later—employer, spouse, or contractor. Prioritizing the relationship leads to better outcomes.
"I never request—I recruit. I don't want to talk to someone across the table. I want to pull them around with questions to my side of the table so that we are now co-conspirators working toward the same goal."
— Alex Carter [26:35]
7. The Value of Investment and Process
[28:16–32:46]
- Time spent upfront (relationship-building, clarifying needs) will save time during the negotiation—the alternative is dealing with fallout later.
- Carter recounts cases where negotiations fell apart due to factors out of her control, underscoring that you can't control outcomes, only your own actions.
"You can't control the wind and the waves, but you can control your paddle."
— Alex Carter [32:47]
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- "Negotiation is just steering—it's about steering the relationships in your life, building those relationships."
— Alex Carter [05:16] - "How was your day? ... Kids and teenagers more than anyone else can smell a fake question and they won't answer it."
— Alex Carter [09:38] - "I'm spending time to save time. ... Otherwise, we're coming in and we're just shooting arrows in the dark and praying for the best."
— Alex Carter [28:49] - "You can't control what other people do. ... If you keep pushing and steering, steering every day ... you're going to get to where you need to be."
— Alex Carter [32:47]
Timestamps for Important Segments
- 01:03-03:24: Alex Carter's kayak story & realization about negotiation
- 06:22-08:30: Introduction to mediation and power of open-ended questions
- 12:12: Dog necklace story—how small talk and connection break stalemates
- 15:58-18:34: The two-part negotiation: negotiating with yourself first
- 18:53: Asking the other party “What do you need?” as strategic leverage
- 21:43: Research on silence’s impact in negotiations
- 26:32-27:37: Shifting adversaries to partners in negotiations
- 28:16-29:36: Upfront investment in relationships and clarifying “the problem"
- 32:47: Core lesson about “steering” in negotiation, not controlling outcome
- 35:54: Transition to romantic/relationship negotiation segment with Magdalena Hoeller
Negotiating in Intercultural Relationships
[35:54–51:38]
1. Language and Emotional Weight
[36:35–40:00]
- Magdalena Hoeller shares daily misunderstandings with her Australian husband (“feel my handles” vs. “love handles”) to introduce how language shapes relationship dynamics.
- Different languages carry different emotional weights; declarations of love and anger feel stronger in one's mother tongue.
"When I say 'I love you' in English, it doesn't feel the same as saying 'Ich liebe dich.' For me, as a German speaker, that's because language isn't just a tool— it shapes our emotional experience."
— Magdalena Hoeller [36:35]
- Words carry different impacts in conflict, sometimes causing inadvertent offense; context and delivery matter just as much as content.
2. Humor and In-Group Dynamics
[40:00–44:00]
- Humor often fails to cross linguistic and cultural boundaries; jokes can fall flat or be misunderstood.
- Intercultural partners have to navigate limited shared comedic "in-groups," which can affect bonding and self-esteem.
"I always felt that I was effortlessly hilarious in Austrian German, but I couldn't bring that same energy to English. And I was so disheartened that my husband would never know the true comedic genius his wife actually is—such a tragedy."
— Magdalena Hoeller [44:00]
3. Power Imbalances in Language
[44:00–48:00]
- There is always a linguistic "power imbalance"—the party more proficient in the dominant language gains unintentional advantage (handling contracts, faster arguments).
- This dynamic can shift, however, when changing countries or languages used in daily life.
4. Solutions: Awareness & Microculture
[48:00–51:38]
- Two recommendations to navigate intercultural relationships:
- Awareness: Be conscious of emotional, comedic, and power dynamics caused by language differences.
- Build Your Microculture: Develop a unique blend of each partner’s languages, traditions, and humor.
"Love is hard in a second language, but it's definitely worth it. I'm sure you'll all handle it, too."
— Magdalena Hoeller [51:35]
Final Reflection
The episode closes on the idea that from corporate boardrooms to dinner tables, negotiation is inescapable and deeply human. Success comes less from mastering tactics and more from fostering curiosity, empathy, deep self-awareness, and the willingness to invest in relationships—at work, at home, and across cultures.
Additional Resources
- Alex Carter's book: Ask For More: 10 Questions to Negotiate Anything
- Full TED Talks by Alex Carter and Magdalena Hoeller: ted.com
Podcast team credits and listener feedback follow after content ends.