TED Radio Hour (NPR)

Episode: What this musician’s identity crisis teaches us about navigating change
Air Date: September 26, 2025
Host: Manoush Zomorodi
Guest: Joshua Roman (Cellist, TED Speaker)

Brief Overview

This episode chronicles acclaimed cellist Joshua Roman’s profound identity crisis following a life-altering struggle with long Covid. Roman, whose path as a musician was once crystal clear, confronts physical debilitation, creative despair, and spiritual doubt. Through an open, vulnerable conversation with host Manoush Zomorodi, he traces his journey from relentless ambition to renewed joy and self-acceptance, offering insights for anyone grappling with unexpected change and the need to reinvent themselves.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Early Passion and Singular Focus

• Joshua’s Musical Upbringing
  • Began playing cello at age 3; passion for music intertwined with family and religious life in Oklahoma City.
  • “...music was a service to God. That's how I saw it.” (Joshua Roman, 03:27)
• Dedication
  • Practiced up to 10 hours a day, with almost all other interests secondary to cello.
  • Had clarity about his career from childhood: “By the time I was six or so, I was telling everyone, this is what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life.” (Joshua Roman, 04:25)
• Fast Rise
  • By age 22, principal cellist of the Seattle Symphony (their youngest ever); then launched a global solo career.

2. Ambition, Exhaustion, and Pre-Pandemic Life

• Relentless Pace:
  • Life was “100 miles per hour”—constant touring, intense rehearsal, and rare relaxation.
  • “My idea of relaxing was to sign up for a 10-day silent Vipassana meditation course.” (Joshua Roman, 06:35)
• Gig Mentality:
  • Found himself driven by an unending quest for validation and opportunity: “I was stuck in a gig mentality for much of my career, waiting for the phone to ring...” (Joshua Roman, 19:13)

3. The Disruption of Covid and Onset of Illness

• Everything Stops:
  • Pandemic canceled all future concerts, erasing his “entire future income.” (Joshua Roman, 06:54)
  • Pivoted to “musical response mode,” livestreaming and using music to serve others.
• Health Crisis:
  • Contracted Covid in January 2021; symptoms were atypical—fatigue, brain fog, breathing trouble. (Joshua Roman, 11:02)
  • Struggled with “weights inside my body,” loss of mental focus, and profound exhaustion.

4. Loss, Identity Crisis, and Spiritual Reckoning

• Unable to Play:
  • Even after recovery, fatigue made performing grueling. After forcing himself through two concerts, he “crashed” and put his cello away for almost three months—the longest break since childhood. (Joshua Roman, 20:21)
• Doubt and Darkness:
  • Lost trust in the meaning of music, especially after losing the religious framework of his youth:
    • “I didn't know if I could believe anymore that music would save people because I didn't believe in the construct that had given me that...” (Joshua Roman, 24:37)
• Questioning Self-Worth:
  • For the first time, considered alternate life paths and allowed suppressed doubts to “flood” in.

5. Catalyst for Change: Rekindling Connection

• Invitation from a Friend:
  • Asked to play at a friend’s small gathering, which forced him to pick up the cello again.
  • The experience was visceral and emotional:
    • "I started playing the Bach prelude after not having touched the cello for so long...I started crying because it was something that I really needed. Pretty immediately, I felt that here is the thing that I've been missing.” (Joshua Roman, 26:13)
• Physical and Emotional Connection:
  • Describes the deeply embodied experience of feeling the cello’s vibrations—“close to the heart”—and realizing his absence from personal engagement with music.

6. Newfound Approach: Presence, Trust, and Joy

• From Obligation to Joy:
  • Shifted from practicing out of compulsion to playing when there was genuine desire:
    • “I needed to stop practicing when I didn't want to practice...I started being able to keep my mind on the cello more when I was playing. I was there.” (Joshua Roman, 30:15)
• Embracing Vulnerability:
  • Realizes that allowing himself to fail and to be personally touched by music is essential for authentic artistry:
    • “At my core, I'm working on trusting myself. Practicing is about trusting.” (Joshua Roman, 32:00)
• Creative Renewal:
  • Produces his debut solo album, Immunity, blending classical, original, and contemporary works, and harnessing vulnerability as creative energy.
  • Album’s genesis tied to performing for Princeton’s “Healing with Music," where honesty about imperfection was not only accepted, but required.
• Joyful Improvisation:
  • Attempts at a serious, “epic” composition for the album fell short until he spontaneously improvised, resulting in “one of the most unabashedly joyful compositions I’ve ever written.” (Joshua Roman, 41:53; 45:42)

7. Reflections on Transformation

• Paradox of Mastery and Surrender:
  • Skills, discipline, and technical mastery are valuable, but the “thing” he sought was beyond brute effort; real fulfillment came from letting go.
• Letting Go of Fear:
  • Now less afraid to be authentically himself as a musician and person:
    • “I'm the same person with less and less fear of being who I am.” (Joshua Roman, 48:08)
• Host’s Parallels:
  • Manoush shares her own experience with loss of ego after postpartum depression, leading to creative freedom (46:48).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “By the time I was six or so, I was telling everyone, this is what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life.”
  —Joshua Roman [04:25]

• “It was a really dark time. Nothing on the calendar. No confidence in my ability to recover. A crisis of faith about what music meant at that point.”
  —Joshua Roman [12:49, 18:39]

• “I had to be taken down to my knees before I let go of pride and let myself be vulnerable and experience the beauty of music with that veil pulled away.”
  —Joshua Roman [29:19]

• “At my core, I’m working on trusting myself. Practicing is about trusting.”
  —Joshua Roman [32:00]

• “I couldn’t force myself to write the piece that I wanted, but when I let go and just played, I came away with the piece that I needed.”
  —Joshua Roman [41:53]

• “I’m the same person with less and less fear of being who I am.”
  —Joshua Roman [48:08]

Important Segment Timestamps

• Early Life and Relentless Musical Focus
  [01:11-05:21]
• Pandemic Strikes; Touring Cancelled, Illness Begins
  [06:18-13:09]
• Physical and Spiritual Crisis Sets In
  [15:13-24:37]
• Turning Point: Picking Up the Cello After Hiatus
  [25:15-29:19]
• Redefining Practicing and Pleasure in Music
  [30:15-33:18]
• Producing 'Immunity', Embracing Vulnerability
  [35:24-41:53]
• Reflection: Letting Go, Transformation, and Acceptance
  [45:42-51:30]

Podcast Highlight: Live Improvisation

• Improvised piece performed live
  Joshua Roman offers a short, spontaneous cello improvisation (with his cello "Cindy"), embodying the episode’s themes of presence and creative renewal.
  [49:05-51:20]
  “This is today.” —Joshua Roman [49:13]

Overall Tone and Takeaways

The episode is open-hearted, honest, and at times philosophical, blending personal struggle with universal lessons on meaning, identity, and recovery. Both host and guest challenge the myth of relentless ambition, illustrating instead the value of rest, self-compassion, and allowing change to reshape us. Joshua Roman’s journey models how hitting rock bottom can, paradoxically, clear space for joy and new creative strength.