TED Radio Hour: Who Counts as a Significant Other?
Released February 7, 2025 | Host: Manoush Zomorodi | NPR
Introduction: Redefining Significant Others
In the episode "Who Counts as a Significant Other?", NPR's TED Radio Hour host Manoush Zomorodi delves into the evolving landscape of significant relationships. Moving beyond the traditional notion of a spouse or life partner, the episode explores how friendships, self-relationships, and even pets can play pivotal roles in our lives. Through insightful discussions with experts like social psychologist Bella DePaulo, journalist Raina Cohen, and marriage and family therapist Stephanie Yates Anabwile, the episode challenges societal norms and broadens the understanding of what it means to have significant others.
Intense Platonic Relationships: Bella DePaulo’s Exploration
Bella DePaulo, a renowned social psychologist, shares her personal journey and research into deep platonic friendships. Beginning with her own love story, DePaulo recounts meeting her soulmate, Em, in Washington D.C., and the profound bond they formed without a romantic undertone.
"I think I just wanted to know everything she thought kind of at all times. She just has a way of observing the world and observing human dynamics that I wanted to absorb."
— Bella DePaulo [01:24]
DePaulo discusses how these intense friendships often defy societal expectations, leading to misunderstandings and judgments. Her bestselling book, The Other Significant, delves into these connections, highlighting that friendships can fulfill emotional and practical needs typically associated with romantic partnerships.
"Friendship can be much bigger and deeper and more significant to our lives than we've been told it can be."
— Bella DePaulo [04:16]
Redefining Friendships: Raina Cohen’s Insights
Journalist Raina Cohen, author of The Other Significant: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center, expands on the idea that friendships can occupy spaces traditionally reserved for romantic relationships. She draws parallels to historical practices like sworn brotherhood and friendships in ancient Rome, where friends were considered integral to one's soul.
"If we don't limit friendship, it can be central to our lives."
— Raina Cohen [06:05]
Cohen emphasizes that embracing diverse forms of relationships can lead to more fulfilling and resilient connections, encouraging listeners to rethink their approach to friendships and intimate relationships.
Challenging Relationship Norms: Stephanie Yates Anabwile’s Perspective
Stephanie Yates Anabwile, a marriage and family therapist, addresses the pressures of societal norms on romantic relationships. She argues that many couples face unnecessary conflicts by adhering to outdated expectations, such as shared finances, travel habits, and household responsibilities.
"When we compare ourselves to societal norms, we can develop a sense of resentment toward our partner as well as a sense of shame for how we ourselves are."
— Stephanie Yates Anabwile [16:27]
Anabwile shares case studies where unconventional solutions, like couples living separately to maintain harmony, have led to improved relationships. She advocates for flexibility and personalization in relationship structures, allowing couples to define happiness on their own terms.
"If we remove the thing that's making it hard, it can go back to being easy."
— Stephanie Yates Anabwile [24:36]
Embracing Single Life: Bella DePaulo’s Single at Heart Research
Returning to Bella DePaulo, the discussion shifts to the concept of being "single at heart." DePaulo challenges the stigma surrounding single life, presenting it as a fulfilling and intentional lifestyle choice rather than a default or undesirable state.
"We love being single. We are happy and flourishing because we are single, not in spite of it."
— Bella DePaulo [29:00]
Her research indicates that single individuals often maintain broader social networks and engage more actively within their communities compared to their married counterparts. DePaulo's "Single at Heart Quiz" helps individuals assess their comfort and preference for single life, promoting self-acceptance and resilience.
"Being comfortable in solitude is a wonderful and underappreciated skill."
— Bella DePaulo [44:50]
The Role of Pets as Significant Companions
Highlighting another dimension of significant relationships, the episode features Elias Weiss Friedman, known as "the Doggist." Through his extensive work documenting and celebrating dogs, Friedman illustrates how pets serve as profound emotional companions.
"Disarming sincerity is what makes dogs so easy to connect to. But their support and companionship can also save lives."
— Stephanie Yates Anabwile [47:02]
Stories shared by dog owners, including veterans using service dogs for PTSD, underscore the therapeutic and unconditional love pets provide, further expanding the definition of significant others.
"I have an amazing dog who helps me experience life again."
— Kristen, Veteran Medic [51:02]
Conclusion: Expanding the Definition of Significant Others
"Who Counts as a Significant Other?" invites listeners to broaden their understanding of meaningful relationships. By highlighting the depth of platonic friendships, the fulfillment of single life, and the companionship of pets, the episode provides a comprehensive look at the diverse ways individuals connect and find support. It challenges traditional paradigms, encouraging a more inclusive view of what it means to have significant others in our lives.
Notable Quotes:
- "Friendship can be much bigger and deeper and more significant to our lives than we've been told it can be." — Bella DePaulo [04:16]
- "If we don't limit friendship, it can be central to our lives." — Raina Cohen [06:05]
- "When we compare ourselves to societal norms, we can develop a sense of resentment toward our partner as well as a sense of shame for how we ourselves are." — Stephanie Yates Anabwile [16:27]
- "We love being single. We are happy and flourishing because we are single, not in spite of it." — Bella DePaulo [29:00]
- "Being comfortable in solitude is a wonderful and underappreciated skill." — Bella DePaulo [44:50]
- "Disarming sincerity is what makes dogs so easy to connect to. But their support and companionship can also save lives." — Stephanie Yates Anabwile [47:02]
Further Resources:
- The Other Significant by Raina Cohen
- Single at the Heart: The Power, Freedom, and Heart-Fulfilling Joy of Single Life by Bella DePaulo
- Follow Elias Weiss Friedman, "the Doggist," on Instagram @doggist
This summary provides a comprehensive overview of the episode, encapsulating the key discussions, insights, and conclusions presented by the speakers. It serves as a valuable resource for those interested in understanding the multifaceted nature of significant relationships beyond traditional romantic partnerships.