TED Talks Daily – Sunday Pick: How to Find True Love (w/ Francesca Hoagie)
From: How to Be a Better Human | Aired: February 15, 2026
Overview
In this lively and insightful episode, host Chris Duffy sits down with love coach and author Francesca Hoagie to discuss what it truly means to find love—in a world full of fairytale myths and broken dating culture. Building from her new book, "How to Find True Love," Francesca shares transformative advice on cultivating self-worth, breaking restrictive patterns, and reframing how we approach romantic possibilities. Their conversation, recorded live at the 2025 TED Conference in Vancouver, is a refreshing, realistic, and empowering take on love for everyone—single, coupled, or otherwise.
Key Discussion Points and Insights
1. The Purpose of Love & "True Love Is an Inside Job"
- Francesca emphasizes that the ultimate purpose of life may be “to learn to be more loving—to ourselves and others” (09:04).
- True love starts from within: our beliefs, self-image, and how we give and receive love fundamentally shape our romantic possibilities.
- Francesca shares her journey from matchmaker to love coach, highlighting the insight that finding love is less about external criteria and more about inner attitudes and beliefs (10:09).
"I really see us all on a lifelong love journey... but I think that's what makes us truly human."
— Francesca Hoagie (09:09)
2. The Myths of Fairytale Romance and External Lists
- Francesca plays a clip from her TED Talk debunking the "Fairytale Industrial Complex," which sells the idea that romantic fulfillment comes from being "chosen," “good enough,” or attaining a high-status partner (04:29).
- She urges listeners to challenge their "list" of partner requirements, exploring where preferences come from and if they reflect authentic needs or absorbed societal expectations (12:17).
"All of my clients... if you have a list of what you're looking for in a person, that's fine. But first of all, you need to prioritize... because that's not a human, that's a unicorn."
— Francesca Hoagie (13:00)
"So often, we use these external traits as a proxy for what we think the relationship will be."
— Francesca Hoagie (14:45)
3. Standards That Matter: How You’re Treated vs. Who You Attract
- The conversation shifts to the difference between exclusionary dating "standards" (height, income, appearance) and the standards that truly impact relationship quality—how you are treated, mutual respect, and emotional support (16:10).
- Francesca points out that many people "settle for trash" regarding treatment while clinging to superficial criteria for eligibility.
"It's not like, oh, this person is a catch because they're so respectful and they treat me so well... It's time for us to move past that."
— Francesca Hoagie (16:46)
4. Unlearning Harmful Messages – Especially for Black Women
- Francesca calls out the pervasive, discouraging narratives targeting Black women about desirability and marriage prospects (17:38).
- She advocates for “decolonizing your mind” and focusing on attracting what’s truly compatible, leading with authenticity rather than trying to appeal to the widest possible group (18:12).
"If there's somebody who doesn't want to be with me because I'm a Black woman, like, please take yourself out of the running... it's much more productive to focus on the people who do want you."
— Francesca Hoagie (18:15)
5. Dating With Authenticity: Lead With Your “Weirdness”
- Rather than being universally appealing, Francesca encourages listeners to honor their quirks and show up as their true selves—even online (20:23).
- Her own dating app stories illustrate why mutual recognition of quirks leads to better matches.
"I always wanted to lead with that [my strangeness] because if you're not down with me being a weirdo, there's no point."
— Francesca Hoagie (20:24)
6. Practical Steps to Reframe Love
- Francesca outlines her book’s four-step process for finding true love:
- Change how you think about love ("love mindset")
- Feel better about love and yourself ("heartset")
- Connect with a higher sense of love ("soulset")
- Date in alignment with love ("skillset") (25:19)
- She emphasizes the importance of questioning ingrained beliefs and writing them down to examine their truth (24:14).
7. Manifestation & Soulset—Without Blame
- Francesca discusses "manifesting" love responsibly—seeing patterns in attraction as a chance for growth, not as a vehicle for blame or magical thinking (26:49).
- Being open to possibility is essential; if you believe love is impossible, it is much harder to accept it when it comes.
"Belief that love is the strongest force in the universe and that nothing excludes you from its power is worth adopting for yourself. It also happens to be true."
— Francesca Hoagie (29:25)
8. Breaking Relationship Patterns
- Recognizing recurring patterns in dating and taking responsibility for the role we play is empowering, not shame-inducing (31:00).
"We have more romantic agency than we might think... we are kind of conditioned to think romantic love is this magical thing that just happens to us, rather than see ourselves as co-creators."
— Francesca Hoagie (32:05)
9. Love as a Skill—Lessons from bell hooks
- Francesca draws inspiration from bell hooks, who argues that most people are “unskilled at love” and treat it as a feeling rather than a practice (32:26).
- Skills like emotional intimacy, respect, and vulnerability can be learned, challenging the notion that love is strictly a matter of luck or chemistry.
"Relationships are a skill. All of the things that go into making a successful relationship work are actually skills and not just a feeling."
— Francesca Hoagie (33:35)
10. Modern Masculinity and Love
- Addressing the challenges men face with emotional literacy, Francesca acknowledges progress but points out much work remains (35:08).
- She frames “toxic masculinity” as harmful to all genders’ ability to connect, stressing that self-love and emotional work is for everyone (35:08).
"Toxic masculinity and patriarchy doesn't just harm women, it harms men. Because it harms many men's ability to access emotions like love and vulnerability."
— Francesca Hoagie (35:08)
11. The Myth of “The One” and Soulmates
- Francesca rejects the “one perfect soulmate” notion, arguing that we have many potential significant relationships throughout our lives (42:36).
"We would never think that there's only one person who could be our best friend... I think that soulmates come in lots of shapes and sizes."
— Francesca Hoagie (42:39)
Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments
- "True love is an inside job." — Chris Duffy referencing Francesca’s core idea (09:41)
- "Stop dating to be chosen. Start dating to choose." — Francesca Hoagie (implied throughout)
- "Lead with your weirdness." — Francesca Hoagie (20:24)
- "You don’t want to date everybody. Why do you want everybody to date you?" — Francesca Hoagie (19:36)
- "Belief that love is the strongest force in the universe and that nothing excludes you from its power is worth adopting for yourself." (29:25)
- On values: "Respect needs to be there from day one... safety needs to be there from day one." — Francesca Hoagie (38:15)
Timestamps for Key Segments
- Francesca’s TED Talk Excerpt & Fairytale Romance Myths: 04:29 – 06:30
- Purpose of Love & “True Love Is an Inside Job”: 09:04 – 09:48
- Debunking “The List”: 11:33 – 15:31
- Real Standards That Matter: 16:10 – 17:08
- Decolonizing Dating Mindsets: 17:38 – 19:52
- Authenticity & “Lead with Your Weirdness”: 20:23 – 21:36
- Self-Examination and Steps for Change: 23:59 – 25:19
- Manifestation and Soulset—No Blame: 26:17 – 29:57
- Pattern Recognition & Agency: 31:00 – 32:26
- Love as a Skill—bell hooks: 32:26 – 34:08
- On Masculinity, Emotional Skills, and Cultural Change: 35:02 – 41:16
- Soulmates and “The One” Myth: 42:22 – 43:25
Final Takeaway
Francesca Hoagie’s wisdom is a call to “think bigger about love”—to examine our beliefs, recognize and shift our patterns, embrace our authenticity, and approach love as a set of learnable and shareable skills. “Love is abundant and already within us,” she insists; it’s up to us to open ourselves, courageously, to its possibilities.
For further resources:
- Francesca Hoagie’s website: francescahoagie.com
- Chris Duffy’s new book: “Humor: How Laughing More Can Make You Present, Creative, Connected and Happy”
This summary skips ad breaks, podcast credits, and focuses exclusively on the episode’s core content.