Podcast Summary: TED Talks Daily

Episode: What gets lost when we treat conversations like transactions
Speaker: Khaya Dlanga
Date: January 12, 2026

Overview

In this thought-provoking TED Talk, South African author and social commentator Khaya Dlanga explores the importance of conversations that are simply for the sake of connecting, rather than achieving a specific outcome. He urges us to move away from the increasingly transactional nature of everyday exchanges, drawing from personal stories, cultural traditions, and moments of deep loss to highlight the fundamental need for human connection.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Power of "Sanibona" – A Greeting That Sees You

[03:24]

• Dlanga introduces the audience to the South African Zulu greeting “Sanibona,” meaning “We see you,” and its response “Sakubona.”
  • Quote: “What sanibona really means is we see you. It's kind of crazy to think that I'm saying that we see you, right? But it's just one person. It's just me standing here. What it really means is that everything that I am, everything that I come with, sees all the stories that come with you.” – Khaya Dlanga [04:12]
• He explains the greeting’s deeper meaning: seeing and acknowledging the person and their story, including their ancestors and experiences.

2. Conversation for Its Own Sake

[05:15]

• Dlanga contends that not every conversation needs a predetermined purpose or outcome.
  • Quote: “To tell you the truth is that I'm literally just here to have conversation for the sake of conversation. I'm here to tell stories for the sake of telling stories.” – Khaya Dlanga [05:23]
• He cites South African philosopher Steve Biko, who wrote that Africans often converse not to reach a conclusion but to simply connect.

3. Story 1: A Lunch with William Shatner

[06:00]

• Dlanga recounts a story of meeting William Shatner, initiated over a shared love for the TV show “Boston Legal.”
• Shatner exemplifies deep listening, making Dlanga and his cousin feel profoundly seen and valued.
  • Quote: “It felt like his entire body was listening to us, his whole being. I'd never been seen like that in my entire life.” – Khaya Dlanga [07:56]
• The experience left an indelible mark, not because Shatner was a celebrity, but because of the genuine connection formed.

4. Story 2: The Moon, Perspective, and Childhood

[09:16]

• Dlanga shares a childhood memory from post-apartheid South Africa, as the only Black child in a newly integrated school.
• He and his friends have different interpretations of the image on the moon, shaped by culture:
  • One sees “the face of a man,” while Dlanga has always seen “a woman carrying a bucket on her head with a baby on her back.”
• The story illustrates that multiple, equally valid worldviews exist. True connection involves embracing these differences rather than prioritizing one’s own perspective.

5. The Problem with Transactional Conversations

[12:08]

• Dlanga questions the trend of treating every conversation as a transaction with a desired outcome or KPI.
  • Quote: “When did we decide that every conversation must be transactional? When did we decide that every conversation must have some hidden KPI and not have a conversation for its sake to enjoy the company of another human?” – Khaya Dlanga [12:29]
• He argues that behind even casual conversation lies a yearning for genuine connection.

6. Loneliness, Technology, and a Personal Loss

[13:22]

• Dlanga discusses the challenges of making meaningful connections in a technologically advanced, yet increasingly lonely, society.
  • Quote: “It is as if we have created a new commandment which is know thy technology, but don't know thy neighbor.” – Khaya Dlanga [13:56]
• He shares the deeply personal story of his younger brother’s death due to struggles with online gambling addiction—a connection with technology that supplanted human connection.
• Dlanga’s mother’s heartbreak after the tragedy serves as a powerful example of the consequences of disconnection.

7. Grief, Writing, and Connection

[15:40]

• Dlanga describes how writing a book about his family helped him reconnect with his late mother and brother, even as he worried about “exploiting their death.”
• This creative act underscores the healing and connective power of storytelling, even in loss.

8. The Limits of AI and the Essence of Humanity

[16:20]

• Dlanga acknowledges the rise of AI but stresses that only humans can offer heartfelt, personal stories that build connection.
  • Quote: “The one thing [AI] cannot do is take our humanity...it cannot tell a story that one heart can tell to another.” – Khaya Dlanga [16:40]
• He affirms that our humanity is defined not by utility, but by the innate desire to connect and share for no other reason than to be together.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On seeing and being seen:
  “Everything that I am, everything that I come with, sees all the stories that come with you.” – Khaya Dlanga [04:22]

• On the heart of conversation:
  “I really do hope that you have nothing to learn from these stories.” – Khaya Dlanga [05:31]

• On cross-cultural childhood musings:
  “When I look at the moon, I could see a woman carrying a bucket on her head with a baby on her back.” – Khaya Dlanga [10:03]

• On technology and connection:
  “We know more about technology in our hands than we do know about our neighbors.” – Khaya Dlanga [13:49]

• On the limits of machines:
  “While AI ... can tell old stories and can tell beautiful stories, it cannot tell a story that one heart can tell to another.” – Khaya Dlanga [16:43]

• On the essence of being human:
  “Sharing stories for the sake of sharing stories... is not what makes us human. What really makes us human is the fact that we simply connect for the sake of connecting.” – Khaya Dlanga [17:16]

Timestamps of Important Segments

• Sanibona cultural introduction: [03:24 – 05:15]
• Steve Biko quote & philosophy: [05:28]
• William Shatner story: [06:00 – 08:44]
• Moon childhood and story of perspectives: [09:16 – 11:57]
• Questioning transactional conversations: [12:08 – 12:58]
• Loneliness, technology, and brother’s story: [13:22 – 15:15]
• Reflections on grief, writing, and humanity: [15:40 – 17:17]

Concluding Thoughts

Khaya Dlanga’s moving talk centers on the beauty and necessity of non-transactional conversation—storytelling for its own sake, grounded in respect, deep listening, and a desire for genuine human connection. Through personal anecdote, cultural example, and philosophical reflection, he reminds us of what is lost when we see every exchange as a means to an end, and what might be saved if we simply strive to see—and be seen—by one another.