A new vision of healthy masculinity | Davonte Green

Summary

Summary of "A New Vision of Healthy Masculinity | Devonte Green"

TED Talks Daily | Released April 29, 2025

In the episode titled "A New Vision of Healthy Masculinity," Devonte Green explores the deep-rooted misconceptions surrounding masculinity and offers transformative tools to cultivate emotional intelligence and redefine what it means to be a man in today's society.

---

Introduction

Devonte Green begins his talk by highlighting the pervasive issue of toxic masculinity, which he describes as an "invisible yet potent misconception of masculinity" that adversely affects individuals and communities alike. He emphasizes that this misconception is not limited to men but harms everyone, regardless of gender identity [01:55].

Personal Journey and Realizations

Green shares a personal narrative that underscores the impact of toxic masculinity. He recounts his experience facilitating a workshop in a level three men's prison in California, where he observed that many inmates had committed crimes impulsively, often within moments of anger [02:32]. This observation led him to reflect on his own past, where he was celebrated for his aggression on the football field and his propensity to engage in fights when disrespected.

At the age of 20, Green's inability to manage his emotions culminated in a two-hour drive to initiate a fight, resulting in a felony assault charge and the painful consequence of being separated from his daughter for over three years [06:47]. This pivotal moment made him realize that his actions were driven by insecurity, not genuine disrespect, and highlighted the lack of emotional management skills taught within his community.

The Misconception of Masculinity

Green discusses how societal and cultural influences—such as music and entertainment—reinforce harmful stereotypes about masculinity. He points out that these influences promote the idea that real men must respond to disrespect with violence, leading to a cycle of anger, jealousy, and lack of self-accountability [04:00]. These ingrained beliefs contribute to various societal issues, including mass incarceration, substance abuse, domestic violence, and estranged family relationships.

Introducing Emotional Management Skills

Recognizing the need for change, Green introduces a framework designed to help men develop emotional intelligence and break free from destructive stereotypes. He emphasizes that cultivating these skills is essential not only for personal well-being but also for fostering healthier communities.

PAWS Framework

Green presents the PAWS strategy, an acronym that stands for:

1. P: Pay Attention [07:30]

   • Description: Encourage men to recognize and acknowledge their emotions by using tools like the feelings wheel to accurately identify what they are feeling.
   • Quote: "Ask guys how they’re doing. They say, I'm cool, I'm straight, you know, another day. Not often having the language to pinpoint an actual emotion."

2. A: Assess [08:15]

   • Description: Determine the triggers that activate intense emotions. Understanding specific stimuli—such as tone of voice or environmental factors—can help in managing reactions.
   • Quote: "Do you know what your triggers are? Do you know the environments, the people, the things that activate you?"

3. W: Understand [09:00]

   • Description: Delve into the root causes of emotions by questioning internal and external influences. Identifying the origin of feelings can prevent them from dictating behavior.
   • Quote: "Whose voice is it that's guiding you and your decisions? Is that a parent? Is it a teacher?"

4. S: Set Boundaries & Ensure Safety [10:30]

   • Description: Implement strategies to remove oneself from escalating situations to maintain safety for all parties involved.
   • Quote: "I’ve never known that to be the best idea, to be calm, to be cool, to walk away into a safe environment."

5. E: Empathize [11:30]

   • Description: Consider others' perspectives to de-escalate conflicts and foster mutual understanding.
   • Quote: "How are other people experiencing me? What point were they trying to get across?"

Impact of Healthy Masculinity

Green argues that redefining masculinity through emotional intelligence can prevent life-altering situations such as incarceration, substance abuse, and fractured relationships. He emphasizes that "a real man takes a pause" to think about the impacts of his decisions on himself and others [13:50]. By adopting the PAWS framework, men can navigate emotions constructively, leading to more fulfilling and responsible lives.

Conclusion

Devonte Green concludes by advocating for a cultural shift towards healthy masculinity. He believes that by fostering emotional management skills and challenging harmful stereotypes, society can cultivate emotionally intelligent leaders who are actively engaged in their communities. This transformation is crucial for building safer, more empathetic, and resilient communities.

---

Notable Quotes

• "All because they couldn't pause and were most likely acting in alignment with what they think it is to be a real man." [03:15]

• "I recognized that it wasn't disrespect that I was feeling, it was insecurity." [05:30]

• "A real man takes a pause." [13:50]

---

Devonte Green's insightful talk serves as a call to action for redefining masculinity through emotional awareness and intelligence, offering practical tools to break the cycle of toxic behavior and promote healthier, more engaged communities.

Transcript

[Elise Hu]

This message is brought to you by Apple Card. Apple Card is a no fee credit card that gives you daily cash back every day. That's 3% back at Apple and 2% back on every purchase made with Apple Card using Apple Pay. Apply for Apple Card in the Wallet app on your iPhone today. Subject to credit approval. Variable APRs for Apple Card range from 18.24% to 28.49% based on creditworthiness rates as of January 1, 2025. Apple Card issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA Salt Lake City Branch terms and.

[Marc Maron]

More at applecard.com BetterHelp Online Therapy bought this 30 second ad to remind you right now, wherever you are, to unclench your jaw, relax your shoulders, take a deep breath in and out. Feels better, right? That's 15 seconds of self care. Imagine what you could do with more visit betterhelp.com randompodcast for 10% off your first month of therapy. No pressure, just help. But for now, just relax.

[Devonte Greene]

Hey folks, it's Marc Maron from wtf. It's spring, a time of renewal, of rebirth, of reintroducing yourself to your fitness goals. And Peloton has what you need to get started. You can take a variety of on demand and live classes that last anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour. There are thousands of Peloton members whose lives were changed by taking charge of their fitness routines. Now you can be one of them. Spring into action right now. Find your push. Find your power with [e-mail].

[Elise Hu]

You'Re listening to TED Talks Daily where we bring you new ideas and conversations to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hu. Today, a history of toxic Masculinity Regardless of our gender identity, community engagement manager Devonte Greene says we are all harmed by what he calls the invisible yet potent misconception of masculinity. Davante shares a powerful tool that can be used to help men and anyone really develop emotional management skills and break down dangerous stereotypes around what it means to be a man. That's coming up.

[Devonte Greene]

So a few years ago I was facilitating a workshop inside of a level three men's prison right here in California. Oftentimes we had about 70 participants, men serving sentences anywhere between three to 38 years. As we begin our workshop, like any good workshop, start with an activity. The activity that we started with is known as cross the Line. Might be familiar with it, but the way it works is I ask a question and if it resonates, then a participant steps forward and cross the line. The Question that I asked was to step forward and cross the line. If you were currently serving a sentence from a crime that you committed that took you 60 seconds or less. An overwhelming amount of participants took a step forward, and not just one of the trainings, but in every one of them. Wow. I was astonished. In less than 60 seconds, these men had lost so many years of their lives. And they've also created victims and they've impacted their own families and communities. All because they couldn't pause and were most likely acting in alignment with what they think it is to be a real man. See, I grew up right here in Inglewood. And Inglewood, like many cities across the country, has been impacted by that invisible yet potent misconception of masculinity and what it means to be a real man. Culturally, we perpetuate this through music, entertainment, all influencing how men and boys view masculinity and what it means to be a real man. Now, sadly, I've lost too many of my own loved ones due to this misconception, folks. Fueled by anger, jealousy and a lack of self accountability. It was the murder of my two best friends and my cousin, Robert Gary Jackson Jr. Trayvon Williams, Tyrone Tucker Jr. That really propelled me to become a healthy manhood and masculinity advocate and to go on to found the Giants Den Leadership Network for Inspired black Men and Boys, where we foster emotionally intelligent leaders who are also actively engaged in their communities. But this ain't how it started. Before I was known for this work, before I found my passion for supporting black men and boys, I was known and celebrated for my aggression on the football field and also known for these hands. I was the guy who wanted to fight once folks started making one too many jokes. In fact, I often wanted to fight whenever I felt disrespected. Which is okay in my community because in my community it was okay. And it was celebrated for young men to have short fuses and to be emotionally immature. I was taught that disrespect needed to be responded to with violence. That's how real men dealt with it. And to walk away or try to talk through a situation made you scared or weak and can lead to a shameful reputation. So I followed suit when I was 20 years old, took a two hour drive in the middle of the night to get into a fight because I had felt disrespected. But in my reflection, I recognized that it wasn't disrespect that I was feeling, it was insecurity. Cause two hours is a long time to stay Mad, you know what I mean? Like you have to really be working at this mad stuff. So how does one sustain anger for a two hour ride? I'm telling myself one sided stories that justify what I'm about to do. Adding fuel to my fire, letting my anger boil. Because the narrative that I'm sharing is allowing me to feel like I'm justified. So I take this two hour drive in the middle of the night.

[Hannah Berner]

I.

[Devonte Greene]

Get into the fight and I was doing what I thought it meant to be a real man. But the consequences of that night actually led me to a felony assault charge. A felony. And that wasn't the worst part. I wasn't able to see my daughter for the next three and a half years. Not because I was tough. I got a felony because I had my feelings hurt. And I didn't have the emotional management skills to respond differently at the time. See, our community doesn't teach men and boys conflict resolution skills. In fact, when I came up, I learned conflict escalation skills, how to pop off right. And I understand all the things that happened in our past and in the community, in the world that has led to these conditions and those valuable lessons that weren't taught to many of us. But after bumping my head, after doing my work, I've realized the importance of men having actual emotional management skills. Having emotional management skills not only to be a nice person, but to avoid life altering situations like going down that treacherous path of mass incarceration, substance abuse, domestic violence, estranged family relationships, and statistically speaking, dying early. But I want to give some tools that could have been a game changer for me and my situation. And if you're someone who is still currently being impacted and influenced by that invisible yet potent misconception of manhood and masculinity, hopefully it can help you to avoid some of these life altering situations as well. The first thing I recognize is ask guys how they doing. They say, I'm cool, I'm straight, you know, another day. Not often having the language to pinpoint an actual emotion, the feelings wheel actually gives us some language to identify and pinpoint where we might be in our emotions. I'll ask you how you're doing. Somebody might say, oh, this is what happened to me today. That is a story and that is not a feeling. So wanting to really provide a tool so we can say, I'm feeling depressed, I'm feeling angry, I'm feeling happy, I'm ecstatic, I'm overwhelmed. There's a tool that was created by Beam, which is the black emotional Mental health collective that really helps with de escalation. And this tool is a strategy called paws. Now PAWS is an acronym and I'll break down each letter for you and hopefully it sticks and it's something that you can share with your communities as well. The first letter is P. Pay attention. Think about a time that you were angry. Might have been recently, might have been a while ago. But what were the type of thoughts that consumed your mind? Were they positive or were they negative? Most likely they were negative, which kind of sustained your anger. How was your body feeling? Were you tense in your shoulders? Were you forgetting to take that deep breath? Was your heart rate sped up? These are all signs that our bodies are sharing with us to let us know that we are in an escalated state. What story, what narrative are we sharing with ourselves? Because what we're thinking impacts how we're feeling and how we feel impact how we behave. But if we don't have the language to identify how we're feeling, it can be hard to avoid that behavior that can really shift our lives. So pay attention. The next one is to assess. Assess what's actually activating you. What is this? Was it a tone of voice? Do you feel like you weren't being heard? What is it that was said, done? What is it about the environment that is activating you? You might call it a trigger. Do you know what your triggers are? Do you know the environments, the people, the things that activate you? That's a great place to start because if we know what activates us, maybe we can avoid those life altering situations. The next letter is you understand understand the roots of our feelings. In my life, I recognized that there's a voice in my head often judging me, telling me what to do, leading me. And somewhere along my journey I recognized that that's not actually my voice. So whose voice is it that's guiding you and your decisions? Is that a parent? Is that a teacher? Is it an older sibling? Is it a bully from third grade? What is the root of this feeling? Where is it coming from? What values of yours might feel like they're being compromised in this moment? Because if we can identify the root, we can get to the actual cause of this and we're not so susceptible to popping off. All right, next letter is S. Set boundaries. Separate yourself, Ensure safety. I know sometime I don't want to walk away. We gonna handle this right now. I've never known that to be the best idea, to be calm, to be cool, to walk away into a safe environment so that you're ensuring safety for everyone. That's what a real man does. It's not only about me sharing with you how I'm feeling and what I'm doing and trying to convey my perspective, but it's also about ensuring safety for everyone who is in this space. And that might mean stepping away and coming back when cooler heads prevail. The last one is E to empathize. How are other people experiencing me? What point were they trying to get across? How am I contributing to escalating this entire situation? Because the truth of the matter is when there's disagreements, there's misunderstanding, and if we can just pause and try to consider what the other people are trying to convey to us, it can avoid a lot of those life altering situations. Being a real man isn't about dominating others. Being a real man isn't about proving to other folks that we are what we naturally are. But a real man takes time to think about the impacts of their decisions, to think about the folks who are being impacted by their words, their thoughts, their behaviors. A real man takes a pause. Thank you.

[Elise Hu]

That was Devonte Green at TEDx Inglewood in Inglewood, California in 2023. If you're curious about Ted's curation, find out more at Ted.comCurationGuidelines and that's it for today's show. TED Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective. This episode was produced and edited by our team, Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Greene, Lucy Little, Alejandra Salazar and Tonsika Sarmarnivon. It was mixed by Christopher Faizy Bogan. Additional support from Emma Tobner and Daniela Ballaraiza. Show I'm Elise Hu. I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feed. Thanks for listening.

[Hannah Berner]

If you work in quality control at a candy factory, you know strict safety regulations come with the job. It's why you partner with Grainger. Grainger helps you find the high quality and compliant products your business needs to inspect, detect and help correct issues. And the sweetest part is everyone gets a product that's as safe to eat as it is delicious. Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.

[Marc Maron]

Support for this podcast and the following message is brought to you by E Trade from Morgan Stanley. With E Trade, you can dive into the market with easy to use tools, $0 commissions and a wide range of investments. And now there's even more to love. Get access to industry leading research and insights from Morgan Stanley to help guide your decisions. Open an account and get up to $1,000 or more with a qualifying deposit. Get started [e-mail] terms and other fees apply. Investing involves risks. Morgan Stanley Smith Barney, LLC Member SIPIC E Trade is a business of Morgan Stanley.

[Hannah Berner]

If you're anything like us, you love attention. And my favorite way to get all eyes on me is with next level shiny, glossy hair. Which is why we're so excited to tell y'all about the new Lamellar collection.

[Elise Hu]

From the girlies at Tresemme.

[Hannah Berner]

And Gigglers, We've got you, too, because Tresemme partnered with us to bring you 1-800-gloss, a special bonus episode of Giggly Squad, where Hannah and I give advice on all things hair and giving gloss. Check out the episode and grab the Lamellar Gloss collection today because I'm officially declaring this spring gloss season.