Confessions of a recovering people pleaser | Baron Ryan

Summary

Podcast Summary: TED Talks Daily – "Confessions of a Recovering People Pleaser" by Baron Ryan

Overview

In the January 21, 2025 episode of TED Talks Daily, titled "Confessions of a Recovering People Pleaser," Baron Ryan delivers a compelling one-man performance that delves deep into the psyche of a chronic people pleaser. Unlike traditional TED Talks, this episode presents a theatrical monologue where Ryan engages in an internal dialogue with himself, effectively illustrating the inner conflicts and ironic struggles associated with the relentless desire to be liked by everyone.

The Struggle with People-Pleasing

Baron Ryan opens his narrative by setting a relatable scene of insomnia and frustration, intertwining humor with self-reflection. He states, “I have this insufferable need to be liked” ([04:15]) and explores the debilitating effects of always putting others' needs before his own. Ryan candidly admits, “I live to please anybody but myself” ([06:20]), highlighting the extent to which people-pleasing behaviors can overshadow personal well-being.

Origins and Root Causes

Ryan traces the origin of his people-pleasing tendencies back to childhood, emphasizing how early experiences shape adult behaviors. He explains, “I developed this sense of death and belonging as a kid because if I didn't win someone's approval, I wouldn't be fed” ([07:45]). This statement underscores the survival mechanisms formed during formative years, where approval was directly linked to basic needs and emotional security.

The Irony and Consequences

A central theme of Ryan’s talk is the inherent irony in the lives of people pleasers. He poignantly observes, “The irony of a people pleaser is that people hate them” ([09:10]). This paradox stems from the superficial harmony maintained by constant approval-seeking, which ultimately leads to strained and insincere relationships. Ryan further elaborates, “If you don't like me, I will die” ([05:50]), illustrating the extreme dependency on external validation.

Internal Dialogue and Realization

Midway through his performance, Ryan introduces a dramatic twist by engaging in a conversation with an alternate version of himself. This internal dialogue serves as a mirror to his subconscious, where his alternate self challenges his long-standing beliefs. In a pivotal moment, Ryan declares, “I have to let go of what makes me feel safe now” ([09:55]), signaling the beginning of his journey towards self-acceptance and autonomy.

Path to Self-Love and Breaking Free

The culmination of Ryan’s narrative is a resolute decision to break free from the shackles of people-pleasing. He articulates the necessity of self-respect, stating, “How could I like myself if I don't even respect myself?” ([08:30]). This realization propels him to prioritize his own needs and desires over the incessant need for others’ approval. Ryan emphasizes, “I am me. I belong to me” ([10:00]), reinforcing the importance of self-identity and personal boundaries.

Notable Quotes

• “I live to please anybody but myself.” – Baron Ryan ([06:20])
• “I developed this sense of death and belonging as a kid because if I didn't win someone's approval, I wouldn't be fed.” – Baron Ryan ([07:45])
• “The irony of a people pleaser is that people hate them.” – Baron Ryan ([09:10])
• “I am me. I belong to me.” – Baron Ryan ([10:00])

Insights & Conclusions

Baron Ryan’s performance is a profound exploration of the psychological turmoil faced by people pleasers. Through a blend of humor, vulnerability, and introspection, he effectively communicates the detrimental impact of seeking constant approval. The internal dialogue technique serves as a powerful metaphor for the internal conflicts and the eventual path towards self-liberation. Ryan’s narrative not only sheds light on the survival instincts that drive people-pleasing behaviors but also offers a hopeful perspective on overcoming these ingrained patterns.

Final Thoughts

"Confessions of a Recovering People Pleaser" is a thought-provoking episode that resonates with anyone grappling with the need for external validation. Baron Ryan’s honest and engaging storytelling provides valuable insights into the journey of self-discovery and the importance of prioritizing one’s own well-being over the incessant desire to please others. This episode is a testament to the transformative power of self-awareness and the courage it takes to reclaim one’s identity.

Transcript

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[Elise Hu]

You'Re listening to TED Talks Daily, where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hu. You're about to hear something that doesn't start out as a TED Talk and is more like a one man stage show. In his 2024 performance, Internet filmmaker Baron Ryan speaks to another version of himself. You'll and it's to show the irony of being a people pleaser, the way it can lead us to betray ourselves.

[Baron Ryan]

I heard a good one today. A chicken, a doctor and a lawyer all walk into a bar and the bartender says, what is this, some kind of joke? I can't sleep. I don't know about you, but those melatonin gummies, they don't work. I told my doctor I talked to myself and she asked me what I talked to myself about. And to be honest, I don't know. I never hear myself. What was that? Nothing. No, I said something. No, I didn't. Could have sworn I did, or whatever I said I wasn't listening, so forget it. You know, you get to a point in the Evening. Well, in your life, really, when you can't sleep your problems away, you know, you're trapped in this skin suit, stuck being you. I'm stuck being that guy. Yeah, I'm in a toxic relationship with that guy and I really ought to break up with him. But you know, you need a lot of self respect to go through with a breakup. I'm in a bit of self respect debt right now. See, I'm what you would call a serial people pleaser. I live to please anybody but myself. I have this insufferable need to be liked. And I've done the analysis. I think it's a survival instinct to be liked. See, if you don't like me, I will die. That is what all of this leads to. You know, See, belonging and being liked. It feels good because it feels like surviving. You know, I developed this sense of death and belonging as a kid because if I didn't win someone's approval, I wouldn't be fed, I wouldn't be hugged, I wouldn't be comfortable. And if I didn't have those things, I died. You know, if I didn't stop crying, I died. If I said no, I die. You know, giving your life away to the whims and approval of other people, it never looks like much. It happens very slowly. Sure, Absolutely fine. No worries. No, that's okay. Ignore me. I agree. I'm fine. Nothing's wrong. I'm fine. You know, the irony of a people pleaser is that people hate them. No one likes a guy with no spine. I mean, we're not pleasing anybody. How could I like myself if I don't even respect myself? You know, if you think one people pleaser is bad, try getting two people pleasers alone in the same room. It's like, oh, would you like some coffee? Are you making some anyway? Well, only if you'd like some. Well, I'd only have some if you're having some. Well, if you're having some, then I'll join you. Right, but are you having some apart from me? Like, if I weren't here, would you still have some? Well, no, but since you are here, I'll make some. No, no, I don't want you to go out of your way to make any just because I'm here. No, no, it's really no trouble at all. Unless you don't want me to make any. I would like you to not make any if you don't want to make any. Right. So what do you want again? Whatever you want. Well, whatever you want is fine. With me? Well, whatever you want is fine with me. Well, what do you want me to want? I want you to want something that I will happen to want by coincidence. Which is what? Whatever you want. You know why it's so. You know why it's so tempting to submit and give your life away? It's easy. It's so much easier when someone else tells you how to eat, how to love, how to think, how to spend your time. I mean, there's nothing to it. You just put on your seatbelt and off you go, watching your life go by from the passenger seat. You give up your whole personality just to be liked. And what are you left with? Just another joke your people. Please. To survive, only to survive into a life that's not even your own. How's that for a punchline? I know I have to do this. I know I have to break up. I know I have to let go of that guy. God, why can't I just go back to sleep and avoid my problems like I always do? Why won't those melatonin gummies work? Can't sleep, huh? You know, I heard a good one today. A guy's been seeing this matchmaker for 10 years now. And one day he meets with her. He says, you know, after years of disliking the way I look, I realize I'm not ugly. I'm just not my type. Baron, sit down. Where? Oh, we need to talk. What about? About our future together. What about our future together? Well, that's the thing. There isn't one. I can't do this anymore. What are you talking about? I mean, I can't do this anymore. This relationship. We're done. Well, that's going to be a bit impossible. I know there's a lot to hear, but. Impossible? Why do you say that? Cause you're talking to yourself. Vlad. I don't care, all right? I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. And that's just the way I feel about it, okay? The way you feel about it? You're talking to yourself here, Baron. I just don't love you anymore. You never love yourself. That's why you wanted to be liked by everybody. Because you thought if no one could love you, at least they could like you. Don't change the subject. You always do that. You mean you always do that. Don't pin the blame on me now. At least take some responsibility for what you've done here. What I've done to whom? To me. I am you. I'm nothing like you. Oh, yeah? Who are you talking to? Then what do you see here? I see a guy who's been taking steps back since the day he was born. And I can't do it anymore. I tell you. It's become too much. I'm not even a person anymore. I'm just background. I betrayed my whole damned self. And for what? For nothing. So I could be liked by people. I don't even like myself. Surely life can't be all this. Can't even logically explain how I let my life get to this. I'm me. I belong to me. I'm not what you or her or what anyone else said I was. You know, your problem? Our problem. You never wanted to be the villain. You always wanted to be the hero. You know, the good guy. Let me tell you, you're no hero to anybody if you're trying to be a hero to everybody. You know, people yelled at us as a kid. I couldn't take it. I wanted to make it go away. And it wouldn't go away unless I just agreed and went along with it. I know. And I felt so safe being that way. But I think I have to let go of what makes me feel safe now. I guess so. Want to hear a closer? Sure. A chicken, a doctor and a lawyer all walk into a bar. And the bartender says, what is this, some kind of joke? And the chicken says, well, hell, man. What is it? Good night, Baron. Good night, Baron. I love you. I love you too. I love you too. Thank you.

[Elise Hu]

That was Baron Ryan at TED Next 2024. If you're curious about TED's curation, find out [e-mail] curationguidelines and that's it for today. TED Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective. This episode was produced and edited by our team, Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Greene, Autumn Thompson and Alejandra Salazar. It was mixed by Christopher Faizy Bogan. Additional support from Emma Topner and Daniela Balaurazo. I'm Elise Hu. I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feet. Thanks for listening.

[Charles Schwab]

At Schwab, how you invest is your choice, not theirs. That's why when it comes to managing your wealth, Schwab gives you more choices. You can invest and trade on your own. Plus get advice and more comprehensive wealth solutions to help meet your unique needs. With award winning service, low costs and transparent advice, you can manage your wealth your way at Schwab. Visit schwab.com to learn more.