How to make anxiety your friend | David H. Rosmarin - TED Talks Daily

Summary

TED Talks Daily: "How to Make Anxiety Your Friend" by David H. Rosmarin

Release Date: March 8, 2025

In this compelling episode of TED Talks Daily, clinical psychologist David H. Rosmarin challenges the conventional perception of anxiety as merely a debilitating condition to be eradicated. Instead, he presents a transformative perspective that encourages embracing anxiety as a valuable ally in personal growth and resilience.

Introduction to Anxiety's Dual Nature

David begins by recounting his personal experience with anxiety, describing his first anxiety attack with vivid imagery:

"I vividly remember my first anxiety attack. [...] This wave of fear crashed over me and my heart started to pound. [...] My face felt hot. It's hot in here, right? Yeah, it's hot." (02:38)

This moment was pivotal, steering his career towards understanding and addressing anxiety. Initially intent on eliminating anxiety, David's journey led him to a profound realization: while clinical anxiety can be debilitating and requires professional intervention, not all anxiety is detrimental. He posits that anxiety, in its natural form, can be harnessed positively.

Anxiety as a Catalyst for Success

David highlights how anxiety has played a pivotal role in the lives of some of history's most influential figures:

Sir Winston Churchill: Early in his career, Churchill experienced a freezing anxiety attack during a speech in the House of Commons. Instead of succumbing to his fear, he confronted it, ultimately becoming one of the 20th century's greatest orators. David emphasizes:

"He faced his fears head on, and he went on to become one of the greatest orators of the 20th century." (04:10)
Oprah Winfrey: Following a box office failure, Oprah turned to food to numb her emotions, leading to a period of emotional numbness. This phase taught her the importance of relinquishing expectations, paving the way for her rise as a media icon.
Taylor Swift: During her first performance of the national anthem at a football game, Swift was paralyzed with fear. She learned to share her feelings, incorporating her anxieties into her lyrics, demonstrating vulnerability and resilience.

David contends that these examples illustrate how anxiety, when managed and embraced, can enhance resilience, strengthen relationships, and foster personal growth.

Personal Story: Nicole's Journey

To illustrate the practical application of embracing anxiety, David shares the story of Nicole, a patient who suffered from hypochondriasis (clinical health anxiety). Despite numerous MRIs clearing her of any aneurysm, Nicole's fear of her brain exploding led her to withdraw from daily activities. Through exposure therapy—facing her fears head-on by educating herself about aneurysms and visiting neurology wards—Nicole overcame her obsessions.

Years later, Nicole faced another daunting challenge when her unborn son was diagnosed with an aneurysm. Drawing from her past experience, she remained resilient during her son's life-saving surgery, ultimately welcoming a healthy child into the world. David remarks:

"Nicole is a super resilient mom because she faced anxiety." (09:45)

This narrative underscores the theme that confronting anxiety can build emotional strength and resilience.

The Universal Experience of Anxiety

David emphasizes that anxiety is a universal emotion. He shares his personal struggles with fear of failure and vulnerability, revealing how these anxieties initially propelled his professional success but created personal distance in relationships. It was through the unconditional love and support of his wife, Miri, that he learned to lower his defenses and openly share his fears:

"There's nothing more worthwhile than taking our anxiety and turning it into love." (10:30)

He highlights the importance of vulnerability in forming deep emotional connections, suggesting that sharing anxiety can foster intimacy and strengthen relationships.

The Adrenaline of Letting Go

Exploring the physiological aspects of anxiety, David likens the experience to the adrenaline rush of action and adventure movies, which dominate over 50% of box office sales. He suggests that letting go and embracing the unpredictability of life can be exhilarating:

"A shot of it comes with pure joy, followed by this blissful tranquility like wow." (11:00)

This perspective encourages viewing anxiety as an adrenaline-fueled journey that, when navigated consciously, can lead to personal fulfillment and peace.

Practical Steps to Turn Anxiety into an Ally

David outlines four actionable steps to transform anxiety from an adversary into a supportive companion:

Identify (13:15):
- Acknowledge and understand the root of your anxiety. Instead of suppressing anxious feelings, take a moment to introspect and pinpoint what you're truly afraid of.
Share (14:05):
- Communicate your anxiety with trusted individuals. Whether through conversation, text, or email, expressing your fears fosters connection and diminishes isolation.
Embrace (14:50):
- Allow yourself to experience anxiety without resistance. Engage in activities that make you uncomfortable in a safe manner to build emotional resilience.
Let Go (15:25):
- Accept that you cannot control every outcome. By relinquishing the illusion of complete control, you open yourself to inner peace and reduce the burden of constant vigilance.

David concludes by reinforcing the importance of these steps in cultivating a healthier relationship with anxiety:

"Think about it. In your own life, who are the people who you feel closest to? Usually, it's those who you've opened up to about your anxiety in some way." (16:00)

Conclusion: Embracing a New Perspective on Anxiety

David Ross Rosmarin's talk offers a transformative lens through which to view anxiety—not as an enemy to be vanquished, but as a powerful ally that, when understood and embraced, can lead to profound personal growth and stronger interpersonal connections. By implementing his four-step approach, individuals can harness the energy of anxiety to build resilience, foster intimacy, and achieve inner peace.

For more insights and transformative ideas, visit TED.com.

Transcript

Tony (0:00)

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Elise Hu (1:12)

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Shifting a little money here, a little there, and hoping it all works out well? With the name your price tool from Progressive, you can be a better budgeter and potentially lower your insurance bill too. You tell Progressive what you want to pay for car insurance and they'll help you find options within your budget. Try it today@progressive.com progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states. You're listening to TED Talks Daily where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hunter. We all have different ways of feeling and managing anxiety. For me, my anxiety shows up in irritability and generally I just want it to go away. I'm not alone. A lot of us think of anxiety as something to fix or work to get rid of. But in his 2024 talk, clinical psychologist David Ross Marin asks us to consider the positive role anxiety can play in our lives. Instead of being our worst enemy, he shares actionable ways we can turn anxiety into a trusted ally. That's right. It's coming up.

David Ross Marin (2:38)

So I vividly remember my first anxiety attack. It's kind of like I feel right now. Is it hot in here? It's hot in here. This wave of fear crashed over me and my heart started to pound. My breathing got ahead of me and out of control. My face felt hot. It's hot in here, right? Yeah, it's hot. And I got doused in this really uncomfortable cold sweat. It was a life changing moment because I made a decision right There and then, to dedicate my career to ridding our world of this feeling, anxiety. So that was more than two decades ago. Work in progress. I became a clinical psychologist. I became a professor. I started an anxiety treatment center. And then I realized at some point along the way that eradicating anxiety from our lives would not be beneficial. Sometimes anxiety interferes with your life. That's clinical anxiety. And yes, you do want to get rid of that clinical anxiety with the help of a professional. But other times, many times it's uncomfortable, it's uncontrollable. Did I mention it's hot in here? It's intense. But that's a good thing. It's a good thing. Many of the greatest leaders in human history, certainly in recent history, they were forged in a cauldron of anxiety. Once, early in his career, Sir Winston Churchill, he froze for three full minutes in the House of Commons, giving a speech. He fought against his phobia, faced his fears head on, and he went on to become one of the greatest orators of the 20th century. In the 1990s, after a box office floppy Oprah Winfrey, she turned to food to drown out her feelings, to suppress her emotions. She ended up feeling emotionally numb for six weeks. And during that period of great anxiety, she learned the importance of letting go of her expectations for success. She went on to become a media icon. And speaking of icons, the first time Taylor Swift sang the national anthem at a football game, she felt paralyzed with fear. What she learned is to share her feelings with others. Listen to her lyrics. Many of them speak about her own anxiety. And now, well, apparently, she can shake it off. Anxiety is an emotion like any other emotion, and it can do so much good for you. It can increase your resilience, it can strengthen your relationships, and it can help you to let go. When I first met Nicole, she had hypochondriasis, which is clinical health anxiety. Despite numerous MRIs to the contrary, she was convinced that she had an aneurysm. Nicole's biggest fear was that her anxiety would spike, her brain would explode, and she would drop dead, which would not be good. Nicole started to withdraw from daily activities, and she recognized, rightfully, that she needed professional help. So she came in. Nicole overcame her obsessions with exposure therapy. She faced her fears, she embraced them head on. In order to build resilience. She read stories about aneurysms. She watched videos about aneurysms. She went to a local neurology ward. Nicole overcame her obsessions, and she graduated from therapy. I was so happy and so Proud of her. And then a couple years later, the phone rang. Nicole tells me she's pregnant with a baby boy. But the doctors told her that he would probably die because an ultrasound revealed that he had an aneurysm. Now, given Nicole's history, I thought she would fall apart, but she didn't. She didn't. The baby needed life saving surgery shortly after birth. And Nicole, understandably and very appropriately was very anxious during the surgery as the doctors operated. But she stuck with it. And so did he. Today he is a healthy, thriving little boy. And also really cute, by the way. Not really cute, but cute kid. And Nicole, she is a super resilient mom because she faced anxiety. You are a lot more like Nicole than you think. There have been many times in your life where you too embraced anxiety. When you embraced the discomfort, when you persevered, although you felt panicky and worried. And you've done this because deep in your heart, you know that you cannot get rid of all of your anxiety. And it will always be uncomfortable. And that's why pushing against it creates mental muscle tone, which you need to crest over life's hurdles with grace. It can be difficult to love someone who has anxiety, and it's probably even more hard, more difficult to receive it. But. But deep human connection, deep emotional connections between people requires vulnerability. So anxiety can be used to create intimacy. Think about it. In your own life, who are the people who you feel closest to? Usually, it's those who you've opened up to about your anxiety in some way. I myself. This is going to be hard, but I'll try. I'm terrified of failure. I'm terrified of professional failure, and I struggle with vulnerability. In some ways, this propelled me and fueled my drive for professional success, but it created distance in my relationships. When. When I first met my wonderful wife, Miri, I put up a wall and I didn't speak enough about my feelings, and I submerged my anxiety by focusing on my work. Right. Pretty classic. You don't need to be a psychotherapist to figure that one out. Of course, the feelings didn't go away. We all have this chef in the back of our emotional kitchen. Well, my chef cooked up these entrees, of edginess, side orders of criticism, and a whole bunch of other dishes that I'm not going to speak about in public. But Miri thankfully stuck with me. And more importantly, she consistently showed me that she would never judge me if I failed. Eventually, I got the message. Took a while, but that unconditional love that I received allowed me to take the plunge, drop my guard, lower my defenses, and identify what I was afraid of. And to share it with her. I think it's the hardest thing I ever did my whole life. Definitely harder than anything in the professional realm. But there's nothing more worthwhile than taking our anxiety and turning it into love. Losing control is utterly terrifying. It's terrifying. It's happened to everyone. But. But as long as you have a heads up, as long as you expect it and you're a willing participant, doesn't it feel good to let go? You don't need to be a thrill seeker to appreciate this adrenaline. A shot of it comes with pure joy, followed by this blissful tranquility like wow. And perhaps for that reason, even in this age of unprecedented incredible anxiety. Action and adventure movies. They make up more than 50% of box office sales.