How to tame your advice monster | Michael Bungay Stanier

Summary

Summary of TED Talks Daily Episode: "How to Tame Your Advice Monster" by Michael Bungay Stanier

Introduction

In the February 25, 2025 episode of TED Talks Daily, hosted by Elise Hu, leadership coach Michael Bungay Stanier delivers an insightful presentation titled "How to Tame Your Advice Monster." Stanier delves into the pervasive habit of unsolicited advice-giving, which he metaphorically refers to as the "advice monster." This summary encapsulates the key discussions, insights, and conclusions from his talk, providing a comprehensive overview for those who haven't listened to the episode.

Understanding the Advice Monster

Stanier begins by sharing a personal anecdote to illustrate the universal struggle with the urge to offer advice. He recounts a conversation with a friend, Shannon, where despite his initial intention to listen, his "advice monster" compelled him to provide solutions prematurely.

"Somebody starts telling you about something... your advice monster is like, oh, oh, oh, I've got something to say here." (02:30)

The Pitfalls of Unsolicited Advice

Stanier identifies three primary issues associated with the habit of giving unsolicited advice:

1. Solving the Wrong Problem: Often, individuals jump to conclusions, addressing surface-level issues without understanding the underlying challenges.

   "We get seduced into thinking that the first challenge that shows up is the real challenge. It almost never is." (05:10)

2. Advice Quality Overestimation: People tend to overestimate the value of their advice, unaware of cognitive biases that can diminish its effectiveness.

   "If you're thinking... my advice is magnificent... cognitive biases will explain just how bad your advice normally is." (07:45)

3. Impact on Both Parties: Constant advice-giving can undermine the confidence and autonomy of those receiving it while burdening the giver with the pressure to always provide solutions.

   "If you're on the receiving end... it cuts away at your sense of competence and your confidence." (10:15)

The Three Personas of the Advice Monster

Stanier categorizes the advice monster into three distinct personas, each embodying a different approach to unsolicited advice:

1. Tell It: The loudest persona, convinced that having all the answers is the only way to add value.

   "If you don't have all the answers, then you fail." (12:05)

2. Save It: A more subtle persona that believes one's sole responsibility is to rescue others from their struggles.

   "Your job, your only job, is to rescue everybody." (13:30)

3. Control It: The sneakiest persona, maintaining control to ensure success, fearing that any loss of control leads to failure.

   "Don't let go the grip of anything. If anybody else takes over control... you and they will definitely fail." (14:50)

Stanier emphasizes that regardless of the persona, the underlying message is one of superiority, inadvertently diminishing both the helper and the one being helped.

"You are saying that they're not up to it... when your advice monster is in control, you're diminished as well." (14:30)

Consequences of an Unchecked Advice Monster

Allowing the advice monster to dominate interactions leads to a loss of genuine human connection, empathy, and vulnerability. It transforms advice from a constructive tool into a barrier that hinders authentic communication and personal growth.

"You lose that connection to your empathy and your compassion and your sense of vulnerability." (14:55)

Taming the Advice Monster

Stanier proposes a transformative approach to overcoming the advice monster by replacing the default habit of giving advice with a practice of genuine curiosity. This involves asking thoughtful questions that empower others to find their own solutions.

1. Replace Old Habits: Shift from offering unsolicited advice to fostering a curious mindset.

2. Stay Curious: Utilize questions as tools to maintain curiosity and prevent the advice monster from taking over.

   "Questions are the kindling of curiosity. They're the light that holds back that darkness of the advice monster." (15:30)

3. Three Essential Questions: Stanier introduces three powerful questions designed to uncover the real challenges and desires of others:

   • What's the real challenge here for you?
     Recognizes that initial perceptions often miss the core issue.

     "What's the real challenge here for you?" (16:00)

   • And what else?
     Encourages deeper exploration beyond the first response, revealing additional layers of the problem.

     "What else has it as the insight that the first answer they give you is never their only answer." (18:20)

   • What do you want?
     Clarifies the individual's true desires, forming the foundation for meaningful action.

     "When you get clear on what you want, it becomes the foundation for action." (22:10)

Practical Application

Stanier engages the audience with a live exercise, guiding them to apply these questions to their own challenges. This interactive segment underscores the transformative power of shifting from advice-giving to inquisitive listening.

"Take your best guess. This is the real thing." (19:50)

Conclusion

Michael Bungay Stanier's "How to Tame Your Advice Monster" offers a compelling critique of the pervasive habit of unsolicited advice. By identifying the personas of the advice monster and presenting actionable strategies to replace advice-giving with curiosity-driven dialogue, Stanier empowers individuals to foster deeper, more authentic connections. Embracing this approach not only enhances personal interactions but also cultivates an environment where others feel competent, confident, and autonomous.

"When you tame your advice monster, you begin to empower people not by giving them the answer, but by helping them find their own answer." (25:00)

Final Thoughts

This talk serves as a valuable guide for anyone seeking to improve their communication skills, leadership effectiveness, and interpersonal relationships. By understanding and addressing the underlying impulses that drive unsolicited advice, individuals can become better listeners, more empathetic leaders, and more supportive friends and colleagues.

Transcript

[Narrator]

It's a cold day here in Alaska, but there's one animal seemingly unaffected. Bright eyed and determined enters the husky. Observe as they go up the mountain, guided by pure instinct. They are truly amazing masters of this wilderness. But even these amazing pets can't sign up for Lemonade Pet Insurance. You can sign up [e-mail] Amazing.

[LinkedIn Advertiser]

As a small business owner, you don't have the luxury of clocking out early. Your business is on your mind 24 7. So when you're hiring, you need a partner that grinds just as hard as you do. That hiring partner is LinkedIn Jobs. LinkedIn makes it easy to post your job for free, share it with your network and get qualified candidates that you can manage all in one place. Post your job for [e-mail] tedpod that's LinkedIn.com tedpod to post your job for free. Terms and conditions apply.

[Elise Hu]

TED Talks Daily is sponsored by Capital One. In my house, we subscribe to everything. Music, tv, even dog food. And it rocks until you have to manage it all. Which is where Capital One comes in. Capital One credit card holders can easily track, block or cancel recurring charges right from the Capital One mobile app at no additional cost. With one sign in, you can manage all your subscriptions all in one place. Learn [e-mail] Subscriptions terms and conditions apply. You're listening to TED Talks Daily where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hu. You know when a loved one comes to you with a problem and you can't help but want to chime in on how to fix it? Listen, you're not alone. I definitely catch myself launching into unsolicited advice sometimes. According to leadership coach Michael Bungay Stanier. That's our inner advice, Monster speaking. And it makes us believe we all have the answers, even if we don't. He lays out why we must tame this inner voice in order to be better humans and better listeners.

[Michael Bungay Stanier]

So I caught up with a friend of mine the other day. I love her. She's smart, she's brilliant, she's talented. And after we grabbed our coffees and we did the usual warm up chitchat, Shannon looked at me and she said, michael, you're a good guy. I need your help. I need your advice. And my monster was delighted. She started telling me what was going on and I started to pretend to listen because quite frankly, my advice monster already knew exactly what I wanted to tell her. But I'm pretty good at the fake active listening. You Know, you tip your head on the side, you nod, you look engaged yet caring, yet concerned. Small, meaningless words of encouragement. Mm, yet. Yeah, sure. Yeah, right. Oh, you go, girlfriend. Exactly. But honestly, my advice monster's like, could we just hurry this up, please? Time is short. Finally, Shannon finished. So finally, I was able to share my brilliant advice. And make no mistake, it was brilliant. Shannon tipped her head on the side, looked engaged yet caring, yet concerned, started nodding, made small, meaningless words of encouragement. Mm, yeah, maybe. Okay, yeah, nice idea. Honestly, my advice, my help was going nowhere. My advice monster had sabotaged the conversation again. Now, this isn't just a Michael thing. It's not even a mansplaining thing. You, all of you, you know your advice monster. Somebody starts telling you about something, you don't really know the situation. You don't really know the people involved. You certainly don't have the full context. You definitely don't have the technical specifications. And after about 10 seconds, your advice monster is like, oh, oh, oh, I've got something to say here. You know, research tells us that medical doctors, advice monsters tend to interrupt their patients after about 11 seconds. But that's not really a medical thing. It's a human thing. Now, I can see some of you are looking at me and you're thinking to yourself, michael, it's true. Other people's advice monsters, very annoying. Really, really pretty irritating. But my advice, my advice is honestly, pretty fantastic. And what's wrong with advice anyway? Well, look, there is nothing wrong with advice. Advice is a key part of civilization. I mean, Ted, tedx, it is one large forum for advice. The problem isn't with advice. The problem is when giving advice becomes our default response. And we all have this ingrained way of behaving. For most of us, it's become a habit. It's become an advice giving habit. And it turns out there are three ways that advice giving goes bad. The first two are kind of connected. Here's the first challenge with advice giving. You're busy solving the wrong problem. This happens all the time. We get seduced into thinking that the first challenge that shows up is the real challenge. It almost never is. It's people's best guess. It's their first hypothesis. It's a stab in the dark. But it's really rare that the first challenge is the real challenge. But let's just say for the sake of argument, that somehow, miraculously, you are finding and working on the real challenge. Here's the second issue with advice. Advice is not nearly as good as you think it is. And if you're thinking to yourself, oh, no, no, Michael, no, no, my advice is magnificent. Well, I'd encourage you to go watch all those TED videos on cognitive biases. That will explain just how bad your advice normally is, particularly if you think you give good advice. But those first two are just you kind of wasting people's time and life and resources and money. So, you know, no big deal. The third issue about giving advice cuts a little deeper, and it cuts both ways. If you are on the receiving end of advice, if you're on the receiving end of somebody's advice monster, you're constantly getting the message that you can't figure this out yourself. And that cuts away at your sense of competence and your confidence and your sense of autonomy. And if you're on the other side of the equation, if you have an advice monster, and if I can be clear, you all have an advice monster. Well, forget about the fact that you're disempowering people and forget about the fact that you're a bottleneck to everybody around you. Just that added responsibility of having to have all the answers and to save the person and to save the day. It's exhausting and it's frustrating and it's overwhelmin. Now I can see you looking at me and you're going, yeah, yeah, Michael, point well made. We get this. I get it. I understand. Fair enough. And I know you do get it. It's straightforward. You get this in theory. In practice, you keep feeding it, and it is insatiable. Somebody starts talking and your advice monster looms up out of the dark and goes, oh, I'm going to add some value to this conversation. Yes, I am. Here I go. You have to learn to tame your advice monster. And to tame it, you have to understand it. And it turns out your advice monster has three different Personas. And if you listen up, you'll hear the one that resonates most for you. The first Persona of the advice monster is Tell it. Tell it. It's the loudest of the three. It has convinced you that the only way that you add value is to have the answers. To have all the answers, to have all the answers to all the things. If you don't have all the answers, then you fail. Anybody kind of know this one? Yeah, I thought as much. The second advice monster, a little more subtle. It's called Save it. Save it has put its arm around you and gone. Your job, your only job, is to rescue everybody. Don't let anybody stumble, struggle, have a difficult time. Don't Let anybody fail. If anybody struggles at all, you fail. Anybody know this one? Any parents in the room? For instance? Exactly. The third of the advice monsters, the sneakiest of the three, is control it. Control it has convinced you that the only way you win is to maintain control at all times. Don't let go the grip of anything. If anybody else takes over control, even a little bit, then you and they will definitely fail. Anybody know controller? That's my favorite one personally. And in fact, there's something that connects all three of these Personas, and this is an important point. In that singular moment when your advice monster is in control, you are saying that you are better than the other person. You are better than the other person. You're saying that they're not up to it. You're saying they're not good enough. You're saying they're not smart enough, wise enough, fast enough, moral enough, experienced enough. You're basically saying that they're not good enough. But it's not only the other person that is diminished in this moment. When your advice monster is in control, you're diminished as well. Because when your advice monster is in control, you lose that connection to your humanity. You lose that connection to your empathy and your compassion and your sense of vulnerability. You start using your answers as your armor. Now, I was going to give you a quick little talk about the power of empathy and compassion and vulnerability. And then I thought to myself, Brene Brown. Oh, oh, the Dalai Lama. And. Oh, Jesus. Okay, I think this ground's been pretty much covered. So rather than that, let me give you a quick primer on how you might go about taming your advice monster. And what you're looking to do is replace an old habit, the advice giving habit, with a new habit. Can you stay curious a little bit longer? It's as simple and as difficult as that. How do you stay curious? Well, questions are the kindling of curiosity. They're the light that holds back that darkness of the advice monster. So let me share with you the three questions I wished I'd asked Shannon when we were in that cafe together. The first question is, what's the real challenge here for you? What's the real challenge here for you? It's the focus question. It recognizes that at the start of a conversation, neither of you really know what's going on. You just both think you do. So not only does, what's the real challenge here for you? Keep your advice monster at bay. It repositions you to say, the most important thing I can be doing here is to help you find the really important issue not to provide the fast wrong answer, which is what happens right now? The second question that I wish I'd asked Shannon is, and what else? And what else? So the acronym is A. It's literally an awesome question. And what else has it as the insight that the first answer they give you is never their only answer, and it's rarely their best answer. So when you ask and what else? Not only does it tame your advice monster, but it helps you go deeper and further on any question that you ask. So before I give you the third question, which I think you're going to like, let me just show you how these two questions can play really well together. So we're going to do something. Live right here with us. So here's what I want you to do. I want you to think of a real challenge that's going on for you right now. It can be big, it can be small. It can be about life. It can be about work. It can be about a project, a person. I don't mind what it is. Take your best guess. This is the real thing. So actually think of something. You can write it down if you want, or you can just keep it in your head. And now you've got that challenge in mind, I'm going to ask you a question. Here it is. Thinking of that challenge. What's the real challenge here for you? What's the real challenge here for you? Yeah, I can see people working. I can hear brains ticking over. This is great. Stuff's opening up for you. As you think about that, you're like, okay, I think I've got the real challenge here for me. That's nice, but we're not done yet. Let me ask you another question. And what else? What else is a real challenge here for you? Because I know there's more than one thing. So what else? What else is a real challenge here for you? Just notice how that's popping up and how stuff is opening up for you. It's lovely. But of course, we're not done yet. I have another question for you. What else? What else is a real challenge here for you? Because there's still more to be unpacked here. Some of you are like, this is amazing. I didn't know this is all here. Where is this all coming from? Right. I've got one final question for you. Now that you've considered all of that and you've done some thinking, what's the real challenge here for you, exactly? Your head explodes. You're like, oh, my God, what happened here. And for some of you, you're like, wow, this is really, in a minute or less, just open up a new way of seeing this. But actually, here's a really key part of this. You'll notice that your answer to the first what's the real challenge? And your answer to the final one was different. And why that matters is if I'd been busy trying to solve that first challenge, I'd be offering up my slightly crappy advice to solve the wrong problem. And honestly, that's what's happening all the time. The third question that I wished I'd asked Shannon back in that cafe, it's a difficult question, but it's so powerful. The question is, what do you want? What do you want? Because when you get clear on what you want, it becomes the foundation for action, it becomes the foundation for progress. When you know what you want, you get to step towards that autonomy and that confidence and that confidence that we were talking about before. And when that happens, your advice monster really has not much chance. So that's the challenge in front of us. To replace an old habit, the advice giving habit, with a brand new habit. Staying curious a little bit longer. Because when you do that, you begin to empower people not by giving them the answer, but by helping them find their own answer. Not by rescuing them, but by helping them find their own path. Not by holding onto control on everything, but, but by giving up some control and inviting others to step in and to step up. And all of that becomes possible when you tame your advice monster. Thank you.

[Elise Hu]

That was Michael Bungay Stanier at TEDx University of Nevada back in 2020. If you're curious about TED's curation, find out more at ted.comcurationguidelines and that's it for today's show. TED Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective. This episode was produced and edited by our team, Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Greene, Lucy Little, Alejandra Salazar and Tonsika Sarmarnivon. It was mixed by Christopher Faizy Bogan. Additional support from Emma Tobner and Daniela Ballaraizo. I'm Elise Hu. I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feed. Thanks for listening.

[Warby Parker Advertiser]

What makes a great pair of glasses? At Warby Parker, it's all the invisible extras without the extra cost. Their designer quality frames start at $95 including prescription lenses plus scratch resistant, smudge resistant and anti reflective coatings and UV protection and free adjustments for life. To find your next pair of glasses, sunglasses or contact lenses, or to find the Warby Parker store nearest you. Head over to warbyparker.com that's warbyparker.com hey.

[Marc Maron]

It'S Marc Maron from WTF here to let you know that this podcast is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. And I'm sure the reason you're listening to this podcast right now is because you chose it well. Choose Progressives, name your price tool and and you could find insurance options that fit your budget so you can pick the best one for your situation. Who doesn't like choice? Try [e-mail] and now some legal info. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states.

[LinkedIn Advertiser]

As a small business owner, you don't have the luxury of clocking out early. Your business is on your mind 24 7. So when you're hiring, you need a partner that grinds just as hard as you do. That hiring partner is LinkedIn Jobs. LinkedIn makes it easy to post your job for free, share it with your network and get qualified candidates that you can manage all in one place. Post your job for [e-mail] tedpod that's LinkedIn. Com tedpod to post your job for free, terms and conditions apply.