Stop telling single people to get married | Peter McGraw

Summary

Podcast Summary: TED Talks Daily

Episode: Stop Telling Single People to Get Married
Speaker: Peter McGraw
Release Date: April 16, 2025

---

Introduction

In this compelling episode of TED Talks Daily, hosted by Elise Hu, Peter McGraw, a renowned behavioral economist and lifelong bachelor, challenges the societal norm that equates marriage with happiness and progress. McGraw advocates for the recognition and celebration of singlehood, arguing that the increasing number of single individuals is a positive indicator of social progress, particularly for women.

The Rise of Singlehood

McGraw begins by contextualizing the societal shift from universal marriage to widespread single living. He states:

"In 1960, 90% of adults in the United States would go on to get married. Today, 50% of adults in the US are unmarried. 25% of millennials are projected to never marry." (03:40)

This dramatic decline in marriage rates highlights a significant transformation in personal choices and societal structures. McGraw attributes this change to various factors, including economic independence, educational opportunities, and evolving gender roles.

Critique of Marriage-Centric Policies

McGraw critically examines how existing social safety nets are predominantly structured around marital status. He points out that:

"Married people have access to over 1,000 legal advantages unavailable to singles—from tax breaks and Social Security benefits to investment in marital milestones." (05:15)

This marriage-centric framework inadvertently marginalizes single individuals, compelling them to navigate life without the institutional support that married couples receive. McGraw argues that such policies are outdated and fail to reflect the diverse living arrangements of contemporary society.

The Solo Movement: Celebrating Singlehood

Emphasizing that singlehood is not merely a default or transitional state, McGraw introduces the concept of the "solo movement." He shares his personal journey:

"Remarkably, I always thought that there was something wrong with me for not wanting to get married... Now, I'm wholehearted, I'm complete, I'm healthy, I'm financially stable, I do meaningful work." (11:50)

This movement redefines single living as a valid and fulfilling lifestyle choice, celebrating independence and personal growth. McGraw highlights that singles often engage deeply in their communities, contribute significantly to caregiving roles, and pursue passions without the compromises typically associated with marital commitments.

Historical Context: From Arranged Marriages to Modern Independence

Providing a historical perspective, McGraw traces the evolution of marriage from a 4,400-year-old institution designed for business alliances to today's autonomous choice based on love. He notes:

"The spinsters who used the spinning wheel could earn their own money and escape being owned by a husband or a father." (08:30)

Advancements such as birth control, increased access to education, and urbanization have empowered individuals, particularly women, to seek personal fulfillment outside the confines of marriage. This historical shift underscores the progress towards gender equality and personal autonomy.

Policy Recommendations: Supporting a Family of One

To address the challenges faced by single individuals, McGraw proposes several policy changes:

1. Expand the Definition of Significant Others:
   McGraw suggests broadening the concept to include family of choice and deep friendships, enhancing social support networks beyond romantic relationships.

2. Universal Social Safety Nets:
   Drawing inspiration from Scandinavian models, he advocates for policies that provide universal healthcare, free or affordable education, and accessible childcare and eldercare without requiring marital status. He states:

   "Sweden's social safety net is given to all citizens individually. Universal healthcare, free or low-cost education, affordable childcare and eldercare—no spouse required." (10:45)

3. Elevate Single Living:
   McGraw calls for societal recognition of single living as equally legitimate as married life, promoting it as a distinct and respected path.

Conclusion: Embracing Diverse Lifestyles

In his concluding remarks, McGraw reinforces the importance of honoring both single and married lifestyles. He asserts:

"The future is about options, not prescriptions. So let's toast to a world that honors both the choice to settle down or go solo. Cheers." (13:50)

By advocating for inclusive policies and shifting societal attitudes, McGraw envisions a future where individuals are free to choose their paths without societal pressure or institutional barriers. His talk is a call to recognize and celebrate the diversity of human experiences, emphasizing that happiness and fulfillment are not confined to marital status.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• On Happiness and Marriage:
  “That is, the people who get married are already slightly happier to begin with. But there is a happiness effect in the data.” (07:20)

• On the Cost of Weddings vs. Experiences:
  “For $30k a pop, the average US wedding, you can take 15 vacations without your in-laws.” (07:50)

• On Single Living and Community:
  “They are my brothers and sisters in the solo community around the world.” (12:10)

• On Personal Fulfillment:
  “I'm not half waiting for a hole. I'm wholehearted, I'm complete, I'm healthy, I'm financially stable, I do meaningful work.” (13:10)

Key Takeaways

• Shift in Social Norms: The significant decline in marriage rates reflects changing societal values towards independence and personal fulfillment.

• Critique of Existing Systems: Current social and legal systems favor married individuals, creating disparities and challenges for singles.

• Celebration of Singlehood: The solo movement emphasizes that single living is a valid and fulfilling lifestyle choice, contributing positively to society.

• Policy Advocacy: McGraw calls for universal social safety nets and the redefinition of significant relationships to support all individuals, regardless of marital status.

• Embracing Diversity: A future that values diverse life paths fosters a more inclusive and equitable society.

---

Peter McGraw's insightful presentation challenges entrenched societal norms, advocating for a more inclusive understanding of happiness and fulfillment beyond traditional marital frameworks. His arguments underscore the importance of adapting social policies to reflect the evolving dynamics of personal relationships and individual choices.

Transcript

[Warby Parker Representative]

What makes a great pair of glasses? At Warby Parker, it's all the invisible extras without the extra cost. Their designer quality frames start at $95 including prescription lenses plus scratch resistant, smudge resistant and anti reflective coatings and UV protection and free adjustments for life. To find your next pair of glasses, sunglasses or contact lenses, or to find the Warby Parker store nearest you, head over to warbyparker.com that's warbyparker.com race the.

[LinkedIn Representative]

Rudders, Race the sails. Raise the sails. Captain, an unidentified ship is approaching.

[Elise Hu]

Over.

[LinkedIn Representative]

Roger, wait. Is that an enterprise sales solution? Reach sales professionals, not professional sailors. With LinkedIn ads, you can target the right people by industry, job title and more. We'll even give you a $100 credit on your next campaign. Get started [e-mail] Terms and conditions apply.

[SimpliSafe Representative]

This episode is sponsored by SimpliSafe. I want to tell you about SimpliSafe, a company that's revolutionizing home security. What's fascinating about SimpliSafe is their approach to protection. Their active guard outdoor protection doesn't just react to break ins, it aims to prevent them. With AI powered cameras and live monitoring agents, they can spot suspicious activity and intervene in real time. It's like having a vigilant security team watching over your home 24, 7. SimpliSafe offers peace of mind without the hassle of long term contracts or cancellation fees. Plus, their monitoring plans start at just about a dollar a day. Making advanced security accessible to more people. They offer a 60 day satisfaction guarantee or your money back. Interested in learning more? Listeners can get 50% off their new SimpliSafe system with professional monitoring and their first month [e-mail] sl ted talks daily.

[Elise Hu]

That'S S I M P L I.

[SimpliSafe Representative]

Safe.Com ted talks daily there's no safe like simply safe.

[Elise Hu]

You're listening to TED Talks Daily where we bring you new ideas and conversations to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hu. Marriage is considered a life goal or even a necessity for many people across the globe. We've even prioritized pairing up in our institutions and systems benefits like tax cuts for married couples. But lately, there's been a rise of single people internationally, and for Peter McGraw, a behavioral economist and lifelong bachelor, this is a sign of Progress. In his 2024 talk, he shares why it's time for social safety nets to stop being tied to marital status and why it's a good thing that more and more are saying do I rather than I do.

[LinkedIn Representative]

My not so subtle. Stop telling single people to get married. Twenty years ago, I threw myself a bachelor party as a new professor at CU Boulder. Backs were slapped, stories were shared, glasses clinked. But there was a hitch. I wasn't getting hitched. My rationale? Without a wedding in sight, why do married folks get to have all the fun? Unbeknownst to me, that night, I joined a movement, the solo movement, where being single isn't just tolerated, it's celebrated. Not less than, not better. Just a different path filled with opportunities to live. Remarkably, in 1960, 90% of adults in the United States would go on to get married. Today, 50% of adults in the US are unmarried. 25% of millennials are projected to to never marry. And don't get me started on what's happening with Gen Z. Yet we still live in a world built for two. Married people have access to over 1,000 legal advantages unavailable to tax breaks, Social Security benefits. Singles invest heavily in marital milestones. This made sense when everyone got married. But for us lifelong singles, we have to buy our own crock pots. And then there's Aunt Sally, who keeps asking, so is there anyone special? How many of us have an Aunt Sally? Lately, a chorus of media voices have traded Aunt Sally's question for a prescription. Get married. You don't believe me? There's a book called Get Married and it came out, of course, on Valentine's Day. The get married advocates like to point to data that show that married people report higher life satisfaction than single people. Their conclusion? Get married and get happy. Your bonus? You get to save civilization. Now, you might be wondering, and the answer is no, I'm not anti marriage. I've even had a couple near misses. But I am against over prescribing marriage based on correlational data that the get married crowd is a little too wedded to. Any serious scientist who looks at these data comes to the same conclusion. That is, the people who get married are already slightly happier to begin with. But there is a happiness effect in the data. There's a wedding day bump, but it fades fast. For 30k a pop, the average US wedding. At that cost, you can take 15 vacations without your in laws. But here's the real puzzle, and it's one that the get married crowd can't answer. And that is if getting married makes you happy, why is it that the happiest places on earth feature the most people going solo? This is especially the case in Scandinavia. I say rather than treating the rise of singles as a bug, let's treat it as A feature, a feature of progress, especially for women. The arranged marriage was invented 4400 years ago in order to form business alliances. During harsh agrarian times, women were treated more like property than partners, with a husband receiving ownership from the father at the altar. Thankfully, today, marriage is more about love and it's increasingly optional. The story of the rise of singles is the story of the rise of women. And it really got rolling with the invention of the spinning wheel. The spinsters who used it could earn their own money and escape being owned by a husband or a father. With the invention of birth control and greater access to education and economic opportunities. I do is becoming, do I? The spinsters of yesterday and the cat ladies of today are not old maids. They're trailblazers, pioneers of independence. Urbanization. Apartments and the home appliances that were invented for housewives are spurring a huge increase in people living alone, especially in cities like Stockholm. Intrigued by these happy Scandinavians, I swapped out my Stetson for an Indiana Jones style fedora and headed to Sweden, a global leader in gender equality. And I found lots of one bedroom apartments filled with singles. Some by choice, some by chance, but living rich, interconnected, remarkable lives. So let's dispense with the calls to get married. They're either already preaching to the choir or shouting into the wind. They're the someday singles. They're looking for their person, sometimes waiting hopelessly. The just May singles are open to possibilities, the hopeless romantics. But single adults in the United States half have other priorities. They're not looking for love or lust, whether for now or forever. And they're channeling their time and their energy and their attention into education, building businesses, creating art. For many singles, they live meaningful lives. Singles give more time. They're more likely to care for elderly parents and disabled friends, more so than their non single counterparts. So what should we tell single people rather than get married? Let's start by expanding the concept of significant other. It originally included family and deep friendships, including family of choice. Indeed, science shows that social connections broadly predict life satisfaction. I've never put a ring on a finger, but I have significant others. They are my brothers and sisters in the Sola community around the world. There's my brother from another mother, Darwin, who's taught me more about unconditional love than any lover has. And here tonight is my soul sister, Julie, who was at my bachelor party 20 years ago. I love you, Julie. Next, let's advocate for policies that support a family of one. Sweden's social safety net is given to all citizens individually. Universal health care, free or low cost education, affordable child care and elder care. No spouse required. Amen. And lastly, let's elevate single living to be on par with with married living. Not better, not worse, just a different path filled with our opportunities to live. Remarkably, I always thought that there was something wrong with me for not wanting to get married. The prospect of it felt like I would be wearing an ill fitting suit or worse, a straight jacket. Now don't get me wrong, I have plenty of problems. There's a lot of things wrong with me, but putting a ring on it is not going to solve my problems. And as I was nursing a broken heart after one of my near misses, it hit me. I'm not half waiting for a hole. I'm wholehearted, I'm complete, I'm healthy, I'm financially stable, I do meaningful work. I have a wide and deep connected group of friends. I feel wholehearted and I hope you do too. In the end, there is no one remarkable life. There are remarkable lives. And no amount of pearl clutching or calls to get married are going to drag us back to the good old days. Which, to be honest, weren't that good to begin with. Someday, single living and married living will stand side by side, equal. In the meantime, the solo movement has a big tent. Never married, divorced, separated, widowed. Welcome. We celebrate you and our married allies. The future is about options, not prescriptions. So let's toast to a world that honors both the choice to settle down or go solo. Cheers.

[Elise Hu]

That was Peter McGraw at TEDxBoulder in 2024. If you're curious about Ted's curation, find out [e-mail] curationguidelines and that's it for today's show. TED Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective. This episode was produced and edited by our team, Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Greene, Lucy Little, Alejandra Salazar and Tonsika Sarmarnivon. It was mixed by Christopher Faizy Bogan. Additional support from Emma Tobner and Daniela Ballaraiso. I'm Elise Hu. I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feed. Thanks for listening.

[Cory]

Foreign hey guys, it's Cory from Surviving Reality. Don't miss Hulu's new original series, Got to Get Out. It's a reality competition series hosted by Simu Liu, where nine celebrities are locked in a mansion with 11 reality TV rookies all scheming on how to escape the estate and take home a million bucks. Got to get out is stacked with reality royalty, including Spencer Pratt from the Hills, Kim Zolciak Bierman and Cynthia Bailey from Real Housewives, Omarosa from the Apprentice, Susan Knowles and Demi Burnett from the Bachelor, and more. All episodes of Got to Get out are now streaming on Hulu.

[Maybelline Representative]

Ever wonder what your lashes are destined for? The cards have spoken. Maybelline New York Mascara does it all. Whether you crave Fully Fan Lashes with Lash Sensational Big Bold Volume from the Colossal A Dramatic L with Falsies Lash Lift or Natural Looking Volume from Great Lash, your perfect Lash future awaits. Manifest your best mascara today. Shop Maybelline New York and discover your Lash destiny. Shop now at Walmart.

[Sleep Number Representative]

I don't know about you, but the number one thing I look forward to when I return from traveling is a good night's sleep in my own bed. That has never been more true than it is now that I have a Sleep Number Smart bed. I get so sore after traveling on planes, but after literally one night in my Sleep Number Smart bed, my body feels restored, rested and relax. The fact that my bed actually listens to my body and adjusts to my needs to keep me sleeping soundly all the way through the night is worth it alone. Not to mention, my husband and I never need to argue over firmness because we can each dial in our own Sleep Number setting. Why choose a Sleep Number Smart bed? So you can choose your ideal comfort on either side. And now for a limited time, Sleep Number Smart beds start at $849. Price is higher in Alaska and Hawaii. Exclusively at a Sleep Number store near you. See store or sleepnumber.com for details.