Sunday Pick: How to Say No | WorkLife with Adam Grant

Release Date: May 25, 2025
Host/Author: TED
Podcast: TED Talks Daily

Introduction to the Episode

In this enlightening episode of WorkLife with Adam Grant, curated by TED Talks Daily, Adam Grant dives deep into the challenging yet essential skill of saying no. Drawing from personal experiences and expert insights, the episode explores the psychological barriers that prevent us from setting boundaries and offers practical strategies to overcome them, fostering healthier relationships and personal well-being.

The Problem with Saying Yes

Adam Grant begins by sharing his personal struggle with people-pleasing, revealing how his inability to say no led to emotional exhaustion and one-sided relationships. He reflects on his transformation from a chronic yes-sayer to someone who values setting boundaries.

Adam Grant [09:48]: "I bent over backward to say yes to as many people and as many requests as I could. I thought that was core to being a kind, giving person. But I was overextending myself."

This sets the stage for a broader discussion on the societal and psychological factors that make saying no difficult, especially in professional settings where approval and promotion often seem linked to our willingness to comply with every request.

Understanding the Psychology Behind Saying Yes

Vanessa Bonds, a Professor of Organizational Behavior at Cornell and author of You Have More Influence Than You Think, joins the conversation to shed light on the underlying reasons why individuals often struggle to decline requests.

Vanessa Bonds [11:09]: "No is a complete sentence is my least favorite expression in all of like the self-help literature. It drives me insane."

Bonds explains that many people fear damaging their reputation or relationships when they say no. This fear is heightened in contexts where cooperation is highly valued, such as workplaces, making the act of declining seem risky.

The Acquaintance Trap

One of the key concepts introduced is the "Acquaintance Trap", where individuals feel compelled to say yes to colleagues or acquaintances to maintain favorable relationships. This is particularly prevalent among women, who are often socially conditioned to be more communal and cooperative.

Vanessa Bonds [14:11]: "Women are socialized to be communal and cooperative. And so when we say no, we're not living up to the expectations we've been socialized to have."

This societal expectation places undue pressure on individuals to prioritize others' needs over their own, leading to diminished self-esteem and increased stress.

Strategies for Saying No

Adam Grant and Vanessa Bonds outline three effective strategies to master the art of saying no without harming relationships or one's reputation:

1. Explain Your Personal Policies

   Setting clear personal guidelines helps in making consistent decisions about when to say no. Grant emphasizes that this approach shifts the focus from rejecting the individual to adhering to one's own boundaries.

   Adam Grant [26:39]: "Explain your personal policies. When you walk through your philosophy on boundaries, you make it clear to people that you're not rejecting them. It's not about them at all."

2. Convey Care While Declining

   It’s crucial to communicate that saying no does not equate to lack of care. By expressing understanding and empathy, one can maintain positive relationships even when declining a request.

   Vanessa Bonds [28:10]: "When you say no, you're still conveying that you care, but you're setting a boundary for your own well-being."

3. Provide Referrals

   Instead of outright rejecting a request, offering alternative solutions or referrals can be an effective way to help without overextending oneself.

   Adam Grant [29:30]: "Sometimes, referring someone to another person can be just as helpful as fulfilling the request yourself."

This approach not only aids the requester but also reinforces one's boundaries without feeling selfish.

Rewriting the Narrative: The Giving Tree Reimagined

A significant portion of the episode features a reimagined version of the classic children's book, The Giving Tree, by Sherry Liu, a playwright and educator.

In this modern take, the tree sets healthy boundaries, recognizing the importance of self-preservation alongside generosity. This new ending underscores the message that saying no can lead to mutually beneficial relationships and personal happiness.

Sherry Liu [38:58]: "Setting healthy boundaries is a very important part of giving. It assures you'll always have something left to give."

This narrative reinforces the episode's central theme: true generosity stems from sustainable giving, not from self-sacrifice.

Overcoming Referral Aversion

Another insightful segment discusses referral aversion, where individuals hesitate to direct others to alternative resources out of fear of appearing incompetent or damaging relationships. Both Grant and Bonds highlight research indicating that these fears are often unfounded, as most people appreciate the honesty and effort to help, even if indirectly.

Adam Grant [30:27]: "People actually overestimate how much others are disappointed by getting a referral. It usually works out better than you think."

Empowering Effective Communication

The episode concludes with actionable tips on how to communicate a no effectively:

• Use Clear Language: Phrases like "I can’t commit to this right now" provide clarity without ambiguity.
• Allow Time for Consideration: Grant suggests giving others time to process the request, reducing immediate pressure.
• Inject Humor or Thoughtfulness: Light-hearted or considerate no's can diffuse potential tension and maintain goodwill.

Adam Grant [35:22]: "An amusing or thoughtful no may well be appreciated more than a thoughtless yes."

Conclusion: Embracing Boundaries for Better Relationships

WorkLife with Adam Grant masterfully blends personal anecdotes, expert insights, and research-backed strategies to address the universal challenge of saying no. By redefining generosity and emphasizing the importance of boundaries, the episode empowers listeners to prioritize their well-being without compromising their relationships or professional growth.

Adam Grant [38:38]: "Saying no is not selfish. It's an act of self-preservation."

This episode serves as a crucial guide for anyone looking to cultivate healthier interpersonal dynamics and achieve a more balanced, fulfilling life.

Notable Quotes:

• Adam Grant [09:48]: "I bent over backward to say yes to as many people and as many requests as I could. I thought that was core to being a kind, giving person. But I was overextending myself."
• Vanessa Bonds [11:09]: "No is a complete sentence is my least favorite expression in all of like the self-help literature. It drives me insane."
• Sherry Liu [38:58]: "Setting healthy boundaries is a very important part of giving. It assures you'll always have something left to give."

Key Takeaways:

1. Understand the Root Causes: Recognize that the difficulty in saying no often stems from a desire for approval and fear of negative repercussions.
2. Implement Practical Strategies: Use personal policies, convey care, and provide referrals to say no effectively.
3. Redefine Generosity: Sustainable giving requires setting boundaries to ensure personal well-being and maintain healthy relationships.
4. Challenge Societal Norms: Especially for women and individuals in collectivist cultures, overcoming ingrained expectations is vital for personal and professional growth.

By embracing these insights and strategies, listeners can transform their approach to requests, fostering a more balanced and empowered existence.