TED Talks Daily Book Club: Essential Questions to Ask Your Future Self | Meg Jay (Re-release)

Podcast: TED Talks Daily
Host: Elise Hu
Guests: Meg Jay (Clinical Psychologist), Whitney Pennington Rogers (TED Curator)
Date: October 12, 2025
Duration of Key Content: 02:13–13:52

Overview

This episode features a Book Club conversation with clinical psychologist Meg Jay, hosted by Whitney Pennington Rogers. The discussion centers around Meg Jay’s expertise on life-defining decisions in young adulthood, the psychological concept of the empathy gap between our present and future selves, and practical techniques for making choices today that benefit our future. Although Jay specializes in working with people in their twenties, her insights are relevant at any age.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Empathy Gap: How We Relate to Our Future Selves

Timestamp: 03:57–06:54

• Jay introduces the “empathy gap” — our innate difficulty in caring for people we don’t know, including our future selves.
• Jay draws parallels between lacking empathy for politically or socially distant groups and failing to connect with our own future.
  • Quote (Meg Jay, 03:57):
    “The empathy gap is why we almost certainly aren’t doing enough to protect our kids and grandkids from climate change. It can just be difficult sometimes to care about people that we don’t know, or to do right by people who don’t even exist yet. But what if I told you that that same empathy gap can also get in the way of us doing right by ourselves in our 20s and beyond?”
• Referencing philosopher Derek Parfit, Jay emphasizes that neglecting our future selves is usually due to a “failure of belief or imagination.”
  • Quote (Meg Jay, 05:47):
    “We neglect our future selves because of some sort of failure of belief or imagination.”
• Research shows our brains view our future selves much like strangers.

2. The Power of Visualization and Specific Questions

Timestamp: 06:55–09:38

• Jay relates research where showing young people VR images of their older selves led to increased retirement savings—demonstrating the power of making the future self “real.”
• Jay’s technique: She asks clients to imagine themselves at 35 and answer concrete questions about that version of themselves.
  • Where do I live? What do I do for work? Is it meaningful? Who do I come home to?
  • She encourages “reverse engineering” life decisions by working backward from this future vision to guide present action.
  • Favorite question:
    “If I’m in a job or a relationship or a situation I would like not to be in, in five years, then how much longer am I going to spend on this?” (Meg Jay, 09:18)
• Jay asserts there are no “right” or “wrong” answers—just your answers.
  • Quote (Meg Jay, 06:31):
    “The bad news is there are no right answers... But the good news is, because there are no right answers, there are no wrong answers. There are only your answers.”

3. Why Tough Questions Matter

Timestamp: 09:38–09:52

• Jay notes her experience: young adults aren’t afraid of being asked difficult questions—they’re afraid of not being asked.
  • Quote (Meg Jay, 09:38):
    “Twenty years of doing this work has taught me that 20-somethings aren’t afraid of being asked the tough questions. What they’re really afraid of is not being asked the tough questions.”
• She reframes having a conversation with your future self as one of the most courageous conversations you can have.

4. Relevance Across the Lifespan

Timestamp: 09:52–11:29

• Rogers asks: Does this approach only apply to people in their 20s?
• Jay replies that while one’s twenties are when this thinking first becomes relevant (as life transitions move out of pre-set school pathways), it remains important in every decade.
  • Examples:
    • Parents planning for “empty nest” life (kids leaving home)
    • Jay personally contemplating her career now that she is in her 50s.
  • Quote (Meg Jay, 10:06):
    “I think we always need to be in conversation with our future self. It’s just something that’s new and usually quite difficult for 20-somethings.”

5. Making the “Future Self” Conversation Ongoing

Timestamp: 11:29–13:24

• Rogers: What next? How do you turn this into something practical?
• Jay recommends:
  • Start with reflective “pencil and paper” thinking—write out and sketch plans.
  • Recognize it as a long-term, iterative project; adjust as you go.
  • Build in periodic check-ins: monthly, on birthdays, or annually (such as at New Year’s).
  • Consider sharing your intentions for accountability—with friends, mentors, or by journaling.
  • Quote (Meg Jay, 12:38):
    “Having this conversation one time because you heard my chat today and then dropping it is probably not going to do a lot for you. But if it’s the beginning of an ongoing conversation with yourself … it’s probably something we need to keep circling back around on.”

6. The Role of Partners in Accountability

Timestamp: 13:24–13:32

• Rogers highlights the value of a partner—even if it’s your imagined future self—in holding yourself accountable.
  • Jay affirms: Yes, your “future self” can be that partner.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• (05:47, Jay on Parfit’s insight):
  “We neglect our future selves because of some sort of failure of belief or imagination.”
• (06:31, Jay):
  “There are only your answers.”
• (09:18, Jay’s favorite question):
  “If I’m in a job or a relationship or a situation I would like not to be in, in five years, then how much longer am I going to spend on this?”
• (09:38, Jay):
  “20-somethings aren’t afraid of being asked the tough questions. What they’re really afraid of is not being asked the tough questions.”
• (10:06, Jay):
  “I think we always need to be in conversation with our future self. It’s just something that’s new and usually quite difficult for 20-somethings.”
• (12:38, Jay):
  “If it’s the beginning of an ongoing conversation with yourself … it’s probably something we need to keep circling back around on.”

Key Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment/Topic | |-----------|-------------------------------------| | 03:57 | Introduction to the empathy gap | | 05:47 | Derek Parfit's theory on the future self | | 06:31 | No right or wrong answers | | 07:21 | Visualizing future self at age 35 | | 09:18 | Favorite critical question | | 09:38 | Young adults & the value of tough questions | | 10:06 | Applicability for all ages | | 11:48 | Turning reflection into action | | 12:38 | Importance of ongoing conversation | | 13:24 | Partners & accountability |

Conclusion

This TED Talks Daily Book Club episode offers practical and philosophical guidance from Meg Jay on bridging the empathy gap with your future self—encouraging listeners to ask brave questions, visualize specifics, and make the “future self” conversation a continuous part of life planning. By demystifying the pressure to find the “right” answers and showing the ongoing nature of this process, Jay provides a framework relevant for all ages and stages.