Podcast Summary: TED Talks Daily

Episode: The case for spending more time with your friends | Rhaina Cohen
Date: December 20, 2025
Guests: Rhaina Cohen (journalist and author), Whitney Pennington Rodgers (TED)
Main Theme:
Challenging the limitations we place on friendship, Rhaina Cohen offers a compelling case for treating close platonic bonds—the "other significant others"—with the same intentionality, recognition, and commitment often reserved for family or romantic relationships. This conversation explores the profound impact of chosen family, the barriers adults face in cultivating deep friendships, and practical steps to enrich and broaden our relational lives.

Episode Overview

Rhaina Cohen, journalist and author of The Other Significant Others, joins Whitney Pennington Rodgers to discuss the often-overlooked depth and importance of close friendships. Drawing from historical, cultural, and personal perspectives, Cohen urges listeners to expand their notion of friendship—considering it foundational, publicly recognized, and worthy of commitment. The episode navigates the challenges to sustaining these bonds and offers actionable strategies for deepening and legitimizing platonic relationships.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Redefining Friendship: Breaking Traditional Limits

• Current Limitations: Friendship is often viewed as private, secondary, and lacking emotional intensity compared to romantic or family relationships.
  • “I think we limit friendship by thinking it can do less than it actually can.” — Rhaina Cohen (05:39)
  • Cultural norms often dictate that friendship is “a nice addition” but not essential, with little room for public or ritual acknowledgment.
• Historical and Cultural Perspective:
  • Rituals like "sworn brotherhood" in other cultures demonstrate a more formalized, committed approach to friendship.
  • The emotional range of friendship—excitement, joy, even “love”—has historically extended far beyond today’s norms.
  • “We don’t think about friendship as involving commitment, let alone a commitment that you are going to formalize in front of other people.” — Rhaina Cohen (06:37)

2. Personal Motivation and Definitions

• Cohen’s own experience with an intense platonic relationship in her twenties challenged her understanding of friendship, sparking her research and writing.
  • “We found ourselves struggling with even the language of best friend... something more like partners maybe fit.” (08:24)
  • The project revealed bigger societal questions: Why do we elevate romance? How does the state define family and significance?

3. Not “Either/Or”: Integrating Romance, Family, and Chosen Bonds

• Cohen clarifies she’s not advocating for friendship at the expense of romance or family.
  • “It’s not either or... there are a variety of ways to live deeply meaningful lives.” — Rhaina Cohen (10:22)
  • Many people benefit from both strong romantic and platonic partnerships.

4. Transformative Possibilities of Deep Friendship

• Openness to platonic partnership serves as a resilient safety net and pathway to richer personal fulfillment.
  • “If you only have one way that you are told is possible to live your life and to be happy, it’s just not that resilient to all the things that can come up.” — Rhaina Cohen (11:59)
  • Deep friendships can help people through illness, loss, and unexpected life changes, and unlock different versions of ourselves.

5. Barriers to Adult Friendships

• Challenges include time, physical distance, societal priorities, and cultural norms around intimacy and touch—especially for men.
  • “Time, togetherness, and touch... If we live far from our friends...that’s going to reduce the amount of time we have.” — Rhaina Cohen referencing University of Utah research (14:40)
  • Social expectations can inhibit deepening connections, especially regarding vulnerability and physical affection.

6. Practical Strategies for Deepening Friendships

• For Existing Friends:
  • Schedule regular, recurring meetings—"built into our calendars." (17:39)
  • Before ending a hangout, schedule the next one.
  • Be more vulnerable—ask for help, share difficulties to invite closeness.
  • Consider organizing your lifestyle geographically around friends for easier, natural togetherness (“a more radical suggestion”). (20:44)
• For New Friends:
  • Expand your social circles intentionally (e.g., “three degrees” party).
    • “If you were invited, you were asked to bring one friend that the hosts didn’t know. So that was the second degree... it meant that two-thirds of the party were people that the host didn’t know.” (22:04)
  • Be proactive: make the “first move,” express friendship intentions clearly (“I have a friend crush on you”).
    • “I think that really articulating that...made it easier for us to get closer, faster.” (24:56)

7. The Importance of In-Person Connection

• While technology enables connection, physical presence and touch create authenticity and allow for unspoken communication.
  • “There are things that you don’t pick up when you are texting... body language, expressions, especially if something difficult is going on.” — Rhaina Cohen (26:17)
  • In-person moments provide intimacy unreachable by virtual interactions.

8. Support from Family and Society

• Families and friends should approach close platonic relationships with curiosity, not judgment.
  • “Come in from a place of curiosity rather than judgment... treat [the friend] as you would treat someone’s new romantic partner.” — Rhaina Cohen (28:50)
• Policy and workplace changes are needed for formal recognition:
  • Expand bereavement and medical leave to cover platonic partners.
  • Create legal alternatives to marriage for extending rights and protections to close friends.

9. Organizations, Communities, and the Future of Friendship

• Recognizing friendships boosts employee well-being and retention.
  • “People are more content when they have a life that holistically feels full.” — Rhaina Cohen (34:54)
• Trends suggest greater reliance on chosen bonds as marriage rates fall and families diversify.
  • “As we see the rates of marriage declining and people getting married later, that can be encouragement to be more creative with finding a life that you feel fulfilled by.” (37:18)

10. Technology and Platonic Relationships

• Tech is a double-edged sword: it sustains distant friendships but can foster one-sided or “illusory” connections (e.g., with AI or content creators).
  • “Tech can give us the illusion of having relationships when we don’t... a relationship is two-sided, and it’s just not always going to be simple or easy all the time.” — Rhaina Cohen (43:14)

11. Vulnerability Without Neediness

• Small acts (hosting, giving personalized gifts, inviting into your home) allow safe vulnerability.
  • “Letting people into your home is a very intimate, revealing thing... it can be a smaller form of vulnerability.” (45:15)

12. Traditions and Chosen Family at the Holidays

• Integrate friends into seasonal rituals and traditions—don’t be afraid to “make your own version of family.”
  • “We could do what his [husband’s] family had done... and celebrate this holiday, essentially taking what had been a family tradition and letting friends be part of that.” — Rhaina Cohen (47:47)

Notable Quotes

• “If we don’t limit friendship, it can be central to our lives.” — Rhaina Cohen (05:21)
• “There are a variety of ways to live deeply meaningful lives. Building your life around a friendship...can be really important.” — Rhaina Cohen (10:25)
• “Having a wider safety net...is just this great way to still find a lot of meaning.” — Rhaina Cohen (13:04)
• “The three magic ingredients of attachment are: time, togetherness, and touch.” (14:40)
• “I’ve sometimes been really explicit with people and told them I have a friend crush on them.” (24:31)
• “Treat [a close friend] as you would treat someone’s new romantic partner...someone who really matters to a person you care about.” (28:50)
• “Tech can give us the illusion of having relationships when we don’t...a relationship is two-sided...” (43:14)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Redefining Friendship’s Limits: 05:05 – 08:09
• Personal Story & Definitions: 08:09 – 10:13
• Complementing Romance and Platonic Bonds: 10:13 – 11:32
• Practical Benefits of Deep Friendship: 11:32 – 14:13
• Barriers to Friendship: 14:13 – 17:23
• Building Deeper Connections (Practical Tips): 17:23 – 21:29
• Making New Friends/Expanding Circles: 21:38 – 25:31
• Importance of Physical Presence: 25:31 – 28:27
• Supporting Loved Ones in Platonic Partnerships: 28:27 – 30:27
• Expanding Policy/Legal Recognition: 30:27 – 34:35
• Business & Community Case: 34:35 – 36:32
• Demographic Change & The Future: 36:32 – 40:23
• Technology’s Role: 40:23 – 44:32
• Vulnerability vs. Neediness: 44:32 – 46:56
• Broadening Family Traditions: 46:56 – 49:37

Conclusion

Rhaina Cohen makes an impassioned argument for treating friendship as a vital, foundational relationship—one worthy of the commitment, intention, and recognition customarily reserved for family or romance. Through practical suggestions and wide-ranging insights, she urges us to rethink our priorities, build lives that support deep platonic bonds, and ultimately, broaden our sense of family and community.

Recommended Action:
If inspired, consider reaching out to a close friend, scheduling a recurring time together, or inviting friends into your holiday traditions—actively affirming that friendship deserves a central place in your life.