Episode Summary: We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it | Nora McInerny
Podcast: TED Talks Daily
Host: TED
Episode Release Date: July 16, 2025
Speaker: Nora McInerny
Introduction to Nora McInerny’s Journey with Grief
In this poignant and insightful talk, Nora McInerny delves deep into her personal experiences with loss and grief, challenging the conventional notion of "moving on." Instead, she advocates for "moving forward with grief," offering a refreshing perspective that resonates with many who have faced similar tragedies.
A Year of Unimaginable Loss (03:20)
McInerny begins by recounting the harrowing events of 2014, a year marked by profound personal losses:
- October 3rd: Loss of her second pregnancy.
- October 8th: Death of her father from cancer.
- November 25th: Death of her husband, Aaron, after three years battling stage four glioblastoma (a form of brain cancer).
She emphasizes the cumulative impact of these losses, stating, “I’m fun. People love to invite me out all the time... but I’ve experienced loss like no other.”
Turning Tragedy into Advocacy
Transforming her pain into purpose, McInerny has made it her mission to help others navigate grief. She describes her career focused on discussing death and loss, not just her own, but also those of others. “Grief is so uncomfortable. Especially if it’s someone else’s grief,” she acknowledges, highlighting the societal discomfort surrounding discussions of loss.
Creating Community: The Hot Young Widows Club
To address the isolation often felt by bereaved individuals, McInerny co-founded the Hot Young Widows Club. This supportive community brings together widows and widowers, providing a safe space to express emotions and share experiences that others may not understand. She humorously notes the group's features, including membership cards and T-shirts, fostering a sense of belonging.
Notable Quote:
“We have a membership card and T-shirts. And when your person dies... they push you towards each other so you can talk amongst yourselves and not get your sad on other people.” ([05:45])
Challenging the "Move On" Narrative
McInerny passionately critiques the common advice to "move on" from grief. She explains that such phrases imply that loved ones lost can be left behind, which contradicts the everlasting presence they hold in one's life.
Key Insights:
- Presence of the Lost: “When I say, oh, Aaron is... it’s because Aaron still is.” ([10:15])
- Integration, Not Erasure: She advocates for integrating the memory and impact of lost loved ones into one's ongoing life rather than attempting to erase their presence.
Personal Reflections and Memories
Sharing intimate memories, McInerny illustrates how grief remains intertwined with everyday life. She recounts moments like spreading Aaron's ashes and the lingering sensory memories that keep his presence alive.
Emotional Depth:
“When I laid in bed with Aaron and put my hands underneath him... that memory is always going to be sad. That memory will always hurt.” ([14:30])
The Duality of Grief and Joy
McInerny highlights that grief coexists with other emotions, such as happiness and love. She emphasizes that experiencing joy does not negate the pain of loss.
Balanced Emotions:
“Grief is this multitasking emotion that you can and will be sad and happy, you'll be grieving and able to love in the same year or week, the same breath.” ([17:50])
Moving Forward with Grief
In her concluding thoughts, McInerny reiterates that moving forward does not mean leaving grief behind. Instead, it involves acknowledging the enduring influence of loss while continuing to build a fulfilling life.
Final Affirmation:
“We need to remember that a grieving person is going to laugh again and smile again. If they’re lucky, they’ll even find love again. That, yes, absolutely, they're going to move forward, but that doesn't mean that they've moved on.” ([18:00])
Conclusion
Nora McInerny's heartfelt discourse offers a transformative approach to understanding and living with grief. By reframing grief not as an impediment to moving on but as a companion in moving forward, she provides solace and a new framework for those navigating the tumultuous waters of loss.
Additional Notes:
- Speaker's Background: Nora McInerny is a writer and podcaster known for her candid discussions on grief and loss.
- Related Works: She has authored uplifting books, hosted a podcast, and founded a nonprofit dedicated to making people comfortable with uncomfortable topics.
This episode serves as a compassionate guide for anyone grappling with loss, encouraging a more nuanced and enduring relationship with grief.