What successful negotiators do differently | Kathryn Valentine

Summary

Podcast Summary: TED Talks Daily

Episode: What successful negotiators do differently | Kathryn Valentine
Date: December 24, 2025
Speaker: Kathryn Valentine
Host: Elise Hu

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Episode Overview

This TED Talk, delivered by leadership consultant Kathryn Valentine, addresses the persistent gender gap in negotiation outcomes. Valentine critiques traditional, “expert” negotiation advice—largely designed for men—and reveals why it often fails women, subjecting them not just to lower success rates but also heightened backlash. Drawing on extensive research, she presents a practical, empowering formula specifically tailored for women, helping them ask for—and get—what they want without negative repercussions.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Gendered Landscape of Negotiation

• The Problem:

  • When women negotiate, they’re statistically less likely to be successful and more likely to experience backlash.

    “As women, we have a negotiation problem. When we negotiate, we are less likely than men are to be successful, and we’re at a higher risk of backlash. This causes us to miss out on opportunities, earn less, and frankly, messes around with our mental well being.” (03:45)

• Personal Story:

  • Valentine shares a pivotal failed negotiation early in her career: after meticulously preparing and applying conventional negotiation advice, she unintentionally offended her intern coordinator and was deemed “not a culture fit,” resulting in her being escorted out by security.

    “By 10:05, I had managed to accidentally offend the coordinator. By 10:10, I was being told I was no longer a culture fit...my head was spinning...I had accidentally violated the gender norms of negotiation and derailed my career in less time than it takes to get a latte.” (04:47)

Why Traditional Advice Falls Short

• Flawed Strategies:
  • Most negotiation frameworks are derived from research and case studies about men, and don’t account for gender norms and expectations.

    “We continue to use strategies built for men. In fact, that’s what most expert advice is. That’s what I did, and it earned me a VIP seat on the sidewalk.” (06:10)

The “Relational Ask”: A Gender-Smart Solution

• Research-Backed Approach:

  • Valentine introduces the "relational ask," a strategy that centers relationships, shown by research to improve women’s outcomes and lower backlash.

    “A relational ask is easily the most well-hidden secret in negotiation. Until now...Research shows that when women use a relational ask, we are much more likely to be successful and we actually strengthen the relationship.” (06:26)

• The Formula:

  • Valentine distills her research into a four-step formula:
    • Past Performance (what you’ve achieved)
    • Future Vision (aligned with shared goals)
    • The Ask (what you want, tied to vision)
    • Collaborative Question (inviting dialogue)

• Example Phrasing & Impact:

  • Instead of “I deserve to be promoted”:

    “As you know, I exceeded my sales targets by 10% last year. I think I can do it again this year. But in order to do that, I need the credibility that comes with a director title. What do you think?” (08:29)
    Outcome: The woman was promoted.

  • Instead of “I want to work less":

    “As you know, I piloted a new onboarding process this quarter…We can roll it out across the company next year. But in order to do that, I need to work the hours when I’m most productive, which is typically earlier in the day. How can we make this work?” (08:58)
    Outcome: The woman avoids late-night work.

• Common Pitfall – Self-Negotiation:

  “Women are so wonderful that in order to avoid the possibility of someone else feeling uncomfortable, we’ll negotiate against ourselves...Don’t say that.” (08:13)

The Need for Practical Tools – Now

• The Unfairness and Timeline of Change:

  • Valentine acknowledges the frustration:

    “Now, you might be thinking, this isn’t fair. I shouldn’t have to deal with gender bias at all. You’re right. And we can wait for gender parity—estimates are it will only take 191 years.” (09:43)

• AI Won’t Solve This (Yet):

  • AI, for now, is more likely to reinforce flawed advice because it learns from existing, biased sources.

    “Won’t AI fix this for me? Unfortunately, it turns out AI’s strength is in its ability to gobble up huge amounts of information, most of which, on this particular topic, is what researchers call crap.” (10:12)

Final Empowerment and Call to Action

• Choice and Agency:

  “We only get this one life. And you get to decide what yours looks like. Not your boss, not your parents, not your partner, not your kids. You.” (10:27)

• Encouragement to Share the Formula:

  “So let’s ditch the bad advice and instead use this formula to ask for what you want in your life. Share this with the other women that you care about...so that we can all have the tools we need to negotiate a life we love. Thank you.” (10:44)

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Noteworthy Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I love negotiating. I love negotiating. Anyone else? More people.” (03:41)
• “Instead, you want to use what’s called a relational ask...this virtually eliminates the risk of backlash.” (06:35)
• “The formula is past performance plus future vision plus the ask and then a collaborative question.” (07:27)
• “Did you know that we make 35,000 decisions every day as women? So many of those decisions are made to optimize for other people.” (10:25)
• “...we can all have the tools we need to negotiate a life we love.” (10:44)

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Key Segment Timestamps

• Opening and Problem Introduction: 03:41–05:57
• Personal Negotiation Story: 04:16–05:15
• Introduction to Relational Ask & Research: 06:10–07:20
• The Negotiation Formula & Examples: 07:27–09:33
• Reality Checks (Parity Timeline, AI, Decisions): 09:43–10:30
• Empowerment and Conclusion: 10:31–11:41

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Summary Tone

Kathryn Valentine’s talk is humorous, candid, and practical, blending research-based insight with empathetic encouragement. Through personal stories, memorable one-liners, and clear “how-to” guidance, she delivers a message of empowerment, urging women to advocate authentically for themselves—and to spread this new wisdom within their communities.

Transcript

[A]

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[C]

I love negotiating. I love negotiating. Anyone else? More people. As women, we have a negotiation problem. When we negotiate, we are less likely than men are to be successful, and we're at a higher risk of backlash. This causes us to miss out on opportunities, earn less, and frankly, messes around with our mental well being. Fun, right? We've all been there. There's something you want to ask for. So we stress about it for weeks, we prepare, we take all of the expert advice, and yet it never feels like we're coming from a position of strength. What if I told you that's because we've been given the wrong advice our whole lives? What if I told you there's another way, A better way, a more authentic way, designed especially for women that will make you much more likely to get what you're asking for. I want to share a story. Ten years ago, I was an MBA intern with an opportunity, a Fortune 50 company, a company that I had had my eye on for years. I was doing really well in the internship. I actually finished my summer project in under a month, and I decided that my best bet would be to negotiate to be placed on another team halfway through the summer, because that's how I thought twice as many people would vouch for me and I would get that job. So I made an appointment with the intern coordinator for Monday morning and spent all weekend preparing for one of the biggest conversations of my life. Monday morning arrives and I walk into the coordinator's office at 10am sharp ready to negotiate, just like the experts told me to. I was creased, pleated, and pressed to perfection. By 10:05, I had managed to accidentally offend the coordinator. By 10:10, I was being told I was no longer a culture fit, which meant I wasn't getting that job. As an added bonus, per company protocol, I was then escorted out of the building by security and deposited on the sidewalk. My head was spinning. What just happened? It turns out I had accidentally violated the gender norms of negotiation and derailed my career in less time than it takes to get a latte. That set me on a path to research the role of gender in negotiations because I don't want any other woman to be blindsided by the secret impact gender has. Why? Because we continue to use strategies built for men. In fact, that's what most expert advice is. That's what I did, and it earned me a VIP seat on the sidewalk. Instead, you want to use what's called a relational ask. A relational ask is easily the most well hidden secret in negotiation. Until now. Research by Hannah Reilly Bowles out of Harvard and Linda Babcock out of Carnegie Mellon shows that when women use a relational ask, we are much more likely to be successful and we actually strengthen the relationship. Research out of Georgetown shows that this virtually eliminates the risk of backlash. That means that you can feel free to ask for whatever it is you want and you don't have to worry about all of those things that maybe would have happened because of your gender. Like the nerd I am, I have now reviewed 13,000 pages of academic research on this topic and I used it to create a formula you can use to ask for what you want. The formula is past performance plus future vision plus the ask and then a collaborative question. This formula has been field tested by hundreds of women over the past five years to get promoted, make more money, and craft careers they love. Let me show you how it works. Past performance is what you've already done that matters. Future vision is something that everyone in the room wants. The ask is what you want. We're going to connect that to the vision. And then a collaborative question is really just how we get out of our own ways. Because after coaching women on this for years, what I found is that women are so wonderful that in order to avoid the possibility of someone else feeling uncomfortable, we'll negotiate against ourselves. But it's okay if it's not in your budget this year. Don't say that. Instead, you want to use what we call a collaborative question. This formula means that it will take you two minutes to create your ask using everything we know about how to negotiate successfully as a woman. Maybe give you a few examples of how this works. Right. So instead of saying I deserve to be promoted, you would use this formula to say something like, as you know, I exceeded my sales targets by 10% last year. I think I can do it again this year. But in order to do that, I. I need the credibility that comes with a director title. What do you think the woman who used those words was successfully promoted. Here's another one. Instead of I want to work less, you could use the formula to say something like, as you know, I piloted a new onboarding process this quarter and it's getting great results. We can roll it out across the company next year. But in order to do that, I need to work the hours when I'm most productive, which is typically earlier in the day. How can we make this work? That woman no longer works late into the evenings. Now, you might be thinking, this isn't fair. I shouldn't have to deal with gender bias at all. You're right. And we can wait for gender parity. Estimates are it will only take 191 years. In the meantime, there are 79 million women who need tools to be successful. Now, another one I've been hearing recently is, well, won't AI fix this for me? I wish that were true. And for a while I thought it was. Unfortunately, it turns out AI's strength is in its ability to gobble up huge amounts of information, most of which, on this particular topic, is what researchers call crap. Did you know that we make 35,000 decisions every day as women? So many of those decisions are made to optimize for other people. What does my boss need? My team? My kids. But we only get this one life. And you get to decide what yours looks like. Not your boss, not your parents, not your partner, not your kids. You. So let's ditch the bad advice and instead use this formula to ask for what you want in your life. Share this with the other women that you care about. Your family, your friends, your classmates, your colleagues, so that we can all have the tools we need to negotiate a life we love. Thank you.

[B]

That was Katherine Valentine at TEDx Sugar Creek Women in Charlotte, North Carolina, in the US in 2025. If you're curious about Ted's curation, find out [e-mail] curationguidelines and that's it for today. TED Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective. This talk was fact checked by the TED Research team and produced and edited by our Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Greene, Lucy Little, and Tansika Songmarnivong. This episode was mixed by Christopher Faizy Bogan. Additional support from Emma Tobner and Daniela Balaurazo. I'm Elise Hu. I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feed. Thanks for listening.

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