Podcast Summary: TED Talks Daily

Episode: What successful negotiators do differently | Kathryn Valentine
Date: December 24, 2025
Speaker: Kathryn Valentine
Host: Elise Hu

Episode Overview

This TED Talk, delivered by leadership consultant Kathryn Valentine, addresses the persistent gender gap in negotiation outcomes. Valentine critiques traditional, “expert” negotiation advice—largely designed for men—and reveals why it often fails women, subjecting them not just to lower success rates but also heightened backlash. Drawing on extensive research, she presents a practical, empowering formula specifically tailored for women, helping them ask for—and get—what they want without negative repercussions.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Gendered Landscape of Negotiation

• The Problem:

  • When women negotiate, they’re statistically less likely to be successful and more likely to experience backlash.

    “As women, we have a negotiation problem. When we negotiate, we are less likely than men are to be successful, and we’re at a higher risk of backlash. This causes us to miss out on opportunities, earn less, and frankly, messes around with our mental well being.” (03:45)

• Personal Story:

  • Valentine shares a pivotal failed negotiation early in her career: after meticulously preparing and applying conventional negotiation advice, she unintentionally offended her intern coordinator and was deemed “not a culture fit,” resulting in her being escorted out by security.

    “By 10:05, I had managed to accidentally offend the coordinator. By 10:10, I was being told I was no longer a culture fit...my head was spinning...I had accidentally violated the gender norms of negotiation and derailed my career in less time than it takes to get a latte.” (04:47)

Why Traditional Advice Falls Short

• Flawed Strategies:
  • Most negotiation frameworks are derived from research and case studies about men, and don’t account for gender norms and expectations.

    “We continue to use strategies built for men. In fact, that’s what most expert advice is. That’s what I did, and it earned me a VIP seat on the sidewalk.” (06:10)

The “Relational Ask”: A Gender-Smart Solution

• Research-Backed Approach:

  • Valentine introduces the "relational ask," a strategy that centers relationships, shown by research to improve women’s outcomes and lower backlash.

    “A relational ask is easily the most well-hidden secret in negotiation. Until now...Research shows that when women use a relational ask, we are much more likely to be successful and we actually strengthen the relationship.” (06:26)

• The Formula:

  • Valentine distills her research into a four-step formula:
    • Past Performance (what you’ve achieved)
    • Future Vision (aligned with shared goals)
    • The Ask (what you want, tied to vision)
    • Collaborative Question (inviting dialogue)

• Example Phrasing & Impact:

  • Instead of “I deserve to be promoted”:

    “As you know, I exceeded my sales targets by 10% last year. I think I can do it again this year. But in order to do that, I need the credibility that comes with a director title. What do you think?” (08:29)
    Outcome: The woman was promoted.

  • Instead of “I want to work less":

    “As you know, I piloted a new onboarding process this quarter…We can roll it out across the company next year. But in order to do that, I need to work the hours when I’m most productive, which is typically earlier in the day. How can we make this work?” (08:58)
    Outcome: The woman avoids late-night work.

• Common Pitfall – Self-Negotiation:

  “Women are so wonderful that in order to avoid the possibility of someone else feeling uncomfortable, we’ll negotiate against ourselves...Don’t say that.” (08:13)

The Need for Practical Tools – Now

• The Unfairness and Timeline of Change:

  • Valentine acknowledges the frustration:

    “Now, you might be thinking, this isn’t fair. I shouldn’t have to deal with gender bias at all. You’re right. And we can wait for gender parity—estimates are it will only take 191 years.” (09:43)

• AI Won’t Solve This (Yet):

  • AI, for now, is more likely to reinforce flawed advice because it learns from existing, biased sources.

    “Won’t AI fix this for me? Unfortunately, it turns out AI’s strength is in its ability to gobble up huge amounts of information, most of which, on this particular topic, is what researchers call crap.” (10:12)

Final Empowerment and Call to Action

• Choice and Agency:

  “We only get this one life. And you get to decide what yours looks like. Not your boss, not your parents, not your partner, not your kids. You.” (10:27)

• Encouragement to Share the Formula:

  “So let’s ditch the bad advice and instead use this formula to ask for what you want in your life. Share this with the other women that you care about...so that we can all have the tools we need to negotiate a life we love. Thank you.” (10:44)

Noteworthy Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I love negotiating. I love negotiating. Anyone else? More people.” (03:41)
• “Instead, you want to use what’s called a relational ask...this virtually eliminates the risk of backlash.” (06:35)
• “The formula is past performance plus future vision plus the ask and then a collaborative question.” (07:27)
• “Did you know that we make 35,000 decisions every day as women? So many of those decisions are made to optimize for other people.” (10:25)
• “...we can all have the tools we need to negotiate a life we love.” (10:44)

Key Segment Timestamps

• Opening and Problem Introduction: 03:41–05:57
• Personal Negotiation Story: 04:16–05:15
• Introduction to Relational Ask & Research: 06:10–07:20
• The Negotiation Formula & Examples: 07:27–09:33
• Reality Checks (Parity Timeline, AI, Decisions): 09:43–10:30
• Empowerment and Conclusion: 10:31–11:41

Summary Tone

Kathryn Valentine’s talk is humorous, candid, and practical, blending research-based insight with empathetic encouragement. Through personal stories, memorable one-liners, and clear “how-to” guidance, she delivers a message of empowerment, urging women to advocate authentically for themselves—and to spread this new wisdom within their communities.