Podcast Summary: TED Talks Daily

Episode: Why venting doesn’t help you deal with anger | Jennifer Parlamis
Date: August 16, 2025
Speaker: Jennifer Parlamis (Social & Organizational Psychology Expert)
Host: Elise Hu

Overview of the Episode

In this insightful TED Talk, Jennifer Parlamis challenges the popular belief that venting helps alleviate anger, explaining through personal stories and research why venting often backfires. She delves into the science of anger—how we construct it, why venting tends to reinforce rather than release it, and practical strategies to regulate anger healthily. The talk is personal, relatable, and grounded in psychological research, ending with actionable advice for listeners.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Personal Story: Where Anger Begins

• Parlamis opens with a relatable story: She used to get frustrated with her husband for pushing their daughter’s stroller in a “too cool, one-handed way,” causing her to make all sorts of negative assumptions about his motives ([02:56]).
• She realizes her anger grows as she imagines possible internal causes ("he doesn’t care about safety," "he thinks only women should push strollers"), and vents her feelings to friends and family.
• A turning point comes when she sees her own father pushing the stroller the same way, and learns he does this to avoid hurting his shins—a purely practical reason ([04:44]).

Quote:
"I was learning all about this cognitive bias, but I made the fundamental attribution error." – Jennifer Parlamis ([05:27])

2. The Myth of Venting and Its Origins

• Venting is widely believed to be helpful as a form of “catharsis,” a concept popularized by Freud’s hydraulic model (anger as steam that must be vented lest it explode) ([09:00]).
• Research overwhelmingly shows venting doesn’t reduce anger; it often worsens it.
• Anger is constructed through the attributions we make—when we interpret others’ actions as intentional or malicious, our anger increases ([06:25]).

Quote:
"Anger and attributions have this recursive process... the more I hold someone responsible for some action, the angrier I am, and the angrier I get, the more I hold that person responsible." – Jennifer Parlamis ([07:40])

3. Research: Why Doesn't Venting Work? Why Do We Keep Doing It?

• Parlamis’ research investigates two questions:
  1. Why doesn’t venting work?
  2. Why do we keep doing it anyway?
• Study findings:
  • Venting to a third party (e.g., friend) leads people to reinforce internal attributions about the offender, thereby escalating their anger ([10:34]).
  • Venting to the offender results in fewer internal attributions and participants report less anger.
  • Key insight: Venting is not about changing perspectives; it usually reinforces angry interpretations ([11:12]).

Quote:
"...when people vented to a friend, to a third party, they vented with more internal controllable attributions... When they vented to the offender, interestingly, they used fewer internal controllable attributions and they actually felt less angry." – Jennifer Parlamis ([11:13])

4. The Social Function of Venting

• Despite not reducing anger, venting persists because it serves a social function: it makes us feel heard, supported, and less alone, improving our overall emotional tone ([13:44]).
• The “feel better” effect isn’t about anger reduction, but about social connection.

5. Physiological Arousal vs. Anger Reduction

• Activities like running, yelling, or “venting into a pillow” feel cathartic but do not reduce anger physiologically ([14:53]).
• A meta-analysis of 40 years of research confirms: physiologically arousing activities do not decrease anger; what works are activities that lower arousal—such as meditation, deep breathing, or yoga ([15:28]).

Quote:
"Physiologically arousing activities do not decrease anger. Verbal venting, being one of those physiologically arousing activities... What does reduce anger... is actually activities that reduce your physiological arousal." – Jennifer Parlamis ([15:36])

6. Constructive Approaches to Anger

• Anger is not inherently negative; it can motivate necessary change, e.g., leaving toxic relationships or fighting injustice ([16:01]).
• The key is regulation: Use anger to drive meaningful action, not to damage relationships.

Parlamis’ Four Strategies for Regulating Anger:

1. Engage in Low-Arousal Activities (e.g., meditation, yoga, deep breathing)
2. Check Your Attributions: Monitor and question interpretations—consider possible external causes ([16:42]).
3. Gather New Information: Ask, “What don’t I know here?”
4. Be Deliberate About Your Actions: Act consciously, not reactively.

Quote:
"Freud talked about venting the steam. It’s not about that. It’s what’s going through the pipe. Think about those attributions you’re making." – Jennifer Parlamis ([16:45])

7. Personal Closure and Final Thought

• Parlamis follows up with how her own family has evolved: her husband now practices yoga for genuine reasons, reminding her not to jump to negative conclusions ([17:20]).
• Final advice: “If you feel yourself, that little spark of anger, don’t vent. Check those attributions and do a little yoga.” ([17:50])

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the self-reinforcing cycle of anger:
  "Anger and attributions have this recursive process... the more I hold someone responsible for some action, the angrier I am, and the angrier I get, the more I hold that person responsible." ([07:40])
• On the limitations of venting:
  "We realized, we concluded the answer to why verbal venting doesn’t work is because you’re not changing those attributes, you’re just rehearsing those attributions that led to your anger in the first place." ([11:20])
• On what actually works:
  "What does reduce anger across these 40 years of studies is actually activities that reduce your physiological arousal. Things like meditation, deep breathing, yoga." ([15:40])
• On building bridges:
  "When I vented about my husband with the weird stroller pushing that he did, I wasn’t building a bridge between us. I was actually making more distance between us. But what does and could build bridges are things that come out of this research..." ([16:23])

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:56] – Parlamis’ personal stroller story: How anger and attributions build
• [05:27] – Discovery of the attribution error
• [09:00] – The "hydraulic model" of anger (Freud) explained and debunked
• [10:34] – Study findings: Venting to friends vs. offenders
• [11:13] – Why venting to friends often makes you angrier
• [13:44] – The social/relational benefit of venting
• [14:53] – Why running/workouts/yelling aren’t effective for anger reduction
• [15:28] – Meta-analysis: What actually decreases anger?
• [16:42] – Parlamis’ four strategies for regulating anger
• [17:20] – Updated family story: The positive evolution of husband and daughter

Conclusion

This episode offers an accessible, research-backed look at why venting doesn’t work to resolve anger, what actually escalates our feelings, and how to turn anger into a force for connection and productive action. Parlamis’ advice: next time you feel heated, pause to check your assumptions and try some yoga instead of venting.