Summary: "Your Relationship Expectations Could Be Holding You Back"

Podcast: TED Talks Daily
Speaker: Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile
Date: October 4, 2025
Episode Type: TED Talk (Re-release)

Main Theme

Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile, a couples therapist, challenges the societal expectations that dictate what a "successful" relationship should look like. By sharing personal anecdotes and experiences from her therapy practice, she encourages listeners to reject convention and create relationship models that authentically serve the individuals involved—honoring their peculiarities, needs, and values, rather than adhering to imposed norms.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Societal Metrics Shaping Relationship Expectations

• We often measure our relationships by comparing ourselves to others and societal norms.
• Common milestones or structures (sleeping in the same bed, marriage, cohabitation) are seen as signs of a healthy relationship.
• Deviation from these norms is frequently interpreted as trouble—even if the arrangement works for the people involved.
• Quote:

  “Imagine how you would honestly feel if you heard the following about another couple. Okay, I said honestly, Okay. I heard they don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. They claim they never want to get married. I don't think they ever plan to live together. Would you think to yourself, it sounds like they have some serious issues?”
  – Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (03:10)

2. Expectations Versus Reality in Relationships

• Expectations derived from what "everyone else does" create room for resentment and shame when a relationship doesn’t match those ideals.
• Sometimes frustration is not a sign of being with the wrong person, but a sign that you might need to reject what you believe about a "good" relationship.
• Quote:

  “If you're confident that you're with the right person and you just still feel frustrated and dissatisfied, we may find that rejecting everything we've known about good relationships is the key to actually having one.”
  – Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (05:15)

3. Personal Anecdote: A Couple Living Apart

• Stephanie shares a story of a couple trying to blend families and dealing with serious tension after moving in together too soon.
• She asked them, “Do you think that living together has hurt or helped your relationship more?” (06:30)
• They decided to live separately with a contract for expectations and saw their romantic connection, as well as relationships with children, greatly improve.
• Memorable Moment:

  “By the time they came back to me, I'd never seen them communicate so well. They said that they were looking forward to every weekend that they got to spend together. It felt like a vacation because they would spend the entire week planning their time together and savoring every moment...”
  – Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (07:25)

4. There’s No Such Thing as ‘Normal’ in Relationships

• Not every unconventional solution works for everyone.
• Relationship success is about what works for the two unique people involved, not conforming to external standards.
• Quote:

  “When we're thinking about our relationships, we have to avoid focusing on what is normal. There's no such thing as normal when we're talking about two unique individuals with their own backgrounds and their own values.”
  – Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (08:20)

5. Difference Versus Conflict: Embracing Individuality

• Many relational issues arise from fundamental differences (e.g., punctuality vs. self-presentation).
• Anecdote: Stephanie’s parents drove separately everywhere to honor their unique approaches to time and style—what others found strange was what helped the family function harmoniously.
• Memorable Anecdote:

  “They had two minivans for only two kids. Okay. We didn't go anywhere together.”
  – Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (09:15)

6. Permission to Defy Expectations

• Listeners are encouraged to build relationships that work for them, whether that means nontraditional living arrangements, independent travel, separate bedrooms, career choices, handling social media presence, or personal traditions.
• Quote:

  “It's okay to be a stay at home dad. It's okay if you prefer to travel without each other... It's okay if people are confused about your relationship. It was never theirs to understand in the first place.”
  – Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (10:25)

7. Reframing the Narrative of 'Hard' Relationships

• Persistent relational difficulty may have roots in comparison, external pressures, or individual trauma, rather than incompatibility.
• Stephanie advocates for focusing on what you and your partner can change, not what you "should" do.
• Call to Action:

  “If we continue to accept the narrative that relationships are hard, then we'll continue to do nothing about it. If our relationships feel hard, I encourage us to reflect on what is hard about it... Let's really think about what you and your partner are willing to do differently to enjoy it.”
  – Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (10:55)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On expectation vs. authentic partnership:

  “Reject everything we've ever known about relationships and challenge ourselves to create a relationship that not only defies expectations, but honors the peculiarities that make us us.”
  – Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (11:05)

• On external judgment:

  “Any deviation from the norm can be met with curiosity and even judgment. …It shows us that sometimes when we decide to do things a little differently, we can avoid the difference between having a really challenging day as a couple or a smooth day by simply accepting our differences, not as a couple, but as individuals.”
  – Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (09:45)

Key Timestamps

• [02:46] – Stephanie introduces herself and addresses the social conditioning around what a "good" relationship looks like
• [05:15] – Challenges traditional expectations as the source of relational resentment
• [06:30] – Story of the engaged couple who improved their relationship by living apart
• [08:20] – Explains why "normal" does not exist for unique couples
• [09:15–09:45] – Personal family anecdote exemplifying the acceptance of differences
• [10:25] – List of ways couples can break norms to suit their own needs
• [10:55] – Reflection on why relationships feel hard, and encouragement to redefine approaches

Conclusion

Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile’s TED Talk is a call to critically examine—and often discard—relationship expectations that don’t fit. She argues that happiness and satisfaction come from honoring individuality and authenticity rather than comparison and conformity. The message is liberating and practical: Your relationship only needs to work for you and your partner, not for anyone else.