Your relationship expectations could be holding you back | Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (re-release)

Summary

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Summary: "Your Relationship Expectations Could Be Holding You Back"

Podcast: TED Talks Daily
Speaker: Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile
Date: October 4, 2025
Episode Type: TED Talk (Re-release)

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Main Theme

Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile, a couples therapist, challenges the societal expectations that dictate what a "successful" relationship should look like. By sharing personal anecdotes and experiences from her therapy practice, she encourages listeners to reject convention and create relationship models that authentically serve the individuals involved—honoring their peculiarities, needs, and values, rather than adhering to imposed norms.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Societal Metrics Shaping Relationship Expectations

• We often measure our relationships by comparing ourselves to others and societal norms.
• Common milestones or structures (sleeping in the same bed, marriage, cohabitation) are seen as signs of a healthy relationship.
• Deviation from these norms is frequently interpreted as trouble—even if the arrangement works for the people involved.
• Quote:

  “Imagine how you would honestly feel if you heard the following about another couple. Okay, I said honestly, Okay. I heard they don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. They claim they never want to get married. I don't think they ever plan to live together. Would you think to yourself, it sounds like they have some serious issues?”
  – Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (03:10)

2. Expectations Versus Reality in Relationships

• Expectations derived from what "everyone else does" create room for resentment and shame when a relationship doesn’t match those ideals.
• Sometimes frustration is not a sign of being with the wrong person, but a sign that you might need to reject what you believe about a "good" relationship.
• Quote:

  “If you're confident that you're with the right person and you just still feel frustrated and dissatisfied, we may find that rejecting everything we've known about good relationships is the key to actually having one.”
  – Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (05:15)

3. Personal Anecdote: A Couple Living Apart

• Stephanie shares a story of a couple trying to blend families and dealing with serious tension after moving in together too soon.
• She asked them, “Do you think that living together has hurt or helped your relationship more?” (06:30)
• They decided to live separately with a contract for expectations and saw their romantic connection, as well as relationships with children, greatly improve.
• Memorable Moment:

  “By the time they came back to me, I'd never seen them communicate so well. They said that they were looking forward to every weekend that they got to spend together. It felt like a vacation because they would spend the entire week planning their time together and savoring every moment...”
  – Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (07:25)

4. There’s No Such Thing as ‘Normal’ in Relationships

• Not every unconventional solution works for everyone.
• Relationship success is about what works for the two unique people involved, not conforming to external standards.
• Quote:

  “When we're thinking about our relationships, we have to avoid focusing on what is normal. There's no such thing as normal when we're talking about two unique individuals with their own backgrounds and their own values.”
  – Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (08:20)

5. Difference Versus Conflict: Embracing Individuality

• Many relational issues arise from fundamental differences (e.g., punctuality vs. self-presentation).
• Anecdote: Stephanie’s parents drove separately everywhere to honor their unique approaches to time and style—what others found strange was what helped the family function harmoniously.
• Memorable Anecdote:

  “They had two minivans for only two kids. Okay. We didn't go anywhere together.”
  – Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (09:15)

6. Permission to Defy Expectations

• Listeners are encouraged to build relationships that work for them, whether that means nontraditional living arrangements, independent travel, separate bedrooms, career choices, handling social media presence, or personal traditions.
• Quote:

  “It's okay to be a stay at home dad. It's okay if you prefer to travel without each other... It's okay if people are confused about your relationship. It was never theirs to understand in the first place.”
  – Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (10:25)

7. Reframing the Narrative of 'Hard' Relationships

• Persistent relational difficulty may have roots in comparison, external pressures, or individual trauma, rather than incompatibility.
• Stephanie advocates for focusing on what you and your partner can change, not what you "should" do.
• Call to Action:

  “If we continue to accept the narrative that relationships are hard, then we'll continue to do nothing about it. If our relationships feel hard, I encourage us to reflect on what is hard about it... Let's really think about what you and your partner are willing to do differently to enjoy it.”
  – Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (10:55)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On expectation vs. authentic partnership:

  “Reject everything we've ever known about relationships and challenge ourselves to create a relationship that not only defies expectations, but honors the peculiarities that make us us.”
  – Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (11:05)

• On external judgment:

  “Any deviation from the norm can be met with curiosity and even judgment. …It shows us that sometimes when we decide to do things a little differently, we can avoid the difference between having a really challenging day as a couple or a smooth day by simply accepting our differences, not as a couple, but as individuals.”
  – Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (09:45)

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Key Timestamps

• [02:46] – Stephanie introduces herself and addresses the social conditioning around what a "good" relationship looks like
• [05:15] – Challenges traditional expectations as the source of relational resentment
• [06:30] – Story of the engaged couple who improved their relationship by living apart
• [08:20] – Explains why "normal" does not exist for unique couples
• [09:15–09:45] – Personal family anecdote exemplifying the acceptance of differences
• [10:25] – List of ways couples can break norms to suit their own needs
• [10:55] – Reflection on why relationships feel hard, and encouragement to redefine approaches

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Conclusion

Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile’s TED Talk is a call to critically examine—and often discard—relationship expectations that don’t fit. She argues that happiness and satisfaction come from honoring individuality and authenticity rather than comparison and conformity. The message is liberating and practical: Your relationship only needs to work for you and your partner, not for anyone else.

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Transcript

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[Elise Hu]

You're listening to TED Talks Daily where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hu. Romantic relationships are hard and it is natural that problems will arise. But what if I told you that everything we think we know about what causes the problems in our relationships is wrong? And that if we reject what we think we know, we'll make our relationships better? Couples therapist Stephanie R. Yates Anyabule digs into this fascinating new perspective on relationships in the talk she gave last year at TED Next, one of TED's flagship conferences. This talk gives you a glimpse into what kinds of eye opening ideas are shared at TED Next. I was there last year. I am so excited. I'll be going back again this year from November 9th through the 11th in Atlanta, Georgia to welcome to the stage speakers I curated for my own session of TED Talks. The community at TED Next is electric and infectious as everyone gathers with the common purpose to learn more about the future you. I'd love for you to be there and if you want to join this community and are curious about what your future holds for your relationships, your career, for your understanding of the world. Learn more about ted [e-mail] dailynext. There's so much more than just the talks. There's activities, dinners, immersive experiences. So be sure to learn [e-mail] DailyNext and now on to Stephanie's talk.

[Stephanie R. Yates]

I'm a couples therapist and an absolute romance fiend. I'm talking about everything from the Notebook to Twilight to a show some of you may remember called the Flavor of Love. It's a reality competition show where the prize was the love of Flavor Flav. I think about relationships a lot, and something that comes up a lot of my work is this belief that relationships are hard. And we believe that due to one primary reason, our metric of success is based on what we've seen everyone else do. Imagine how you would honestly feel if you heard the following about another couple. Okay, I said honestly, Okay. I heard they don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. They claim they never want to get married. I don't think they ever plan to live together. Would you think to yourself, it sounds like they have some serious issues? If we're honest, a lot of us would. And it's not because we're not open minded. But we've been taught that these are warning signs for a relationship in trouble. And while they can be, for a lot of people, that is not always the case. Relationship experts have found that one of the primary obstacles that couples face are their own expectations. When we compare ourselves to societal norms, we can develop a sense of resentment toward our partner as well as a sense of shame for how we ourselves are coming up short. Now, before we really get into this, I have to say that some of us have to reckon with the fact that we may be with the wrong person. And that will be clear. If your deepest desire is that your partner change fundamental aspects of who they are, you really want them to be a different person. But if you're confident that you're with the right person and you just still feel frustrated and dissatisfied, we may find that rejecting everything we've known about good relationships is the key to actually having one. I work with couples every day, and I help them through relational crises. I remember I was working with an engaged couple for about a year, and when they first came to me, they said, We're 95% good. We just want to address the 5%. And I hear something to this effect often when I first meet a couple. It turns out that 5% was more like 75% and increasing. They were struggling to make a blended family work. One partner had kids, the other one had never lived with kids before, and they moved in together after only knowing each other for three months. One time I went on vacation, and by the time I got back, they'd called off their wedding. But why? Their love was. Honestly, it was evident, and they were not cruel to each other. Their issue was figuring out how to continue building their romantic relationship while also figuring out how to raise teenagers who, to be honest, already had two very involved parents. They weren't really in need of a third. After a particularly big blow up over chores and responsibilities, I finally asked a dangerous question. I said, do you think that living together has hurt or helped your relationship more? We took a few weeks to explore that question, and they decided to test it out. They got a short term lease on an apartment nearby for the partner who didn't have kids. And we were really strategic. We made a contract. Let's talk about dates, let's talk about expectations while you guys are living separately. And by the time they came back to me, I'd never seen them communicate so well. They said that they were looking forward to every weekend that they got to spend together. It felt like a vacation because they would spend the entire week planning their time together and savoring every moment they had together. They also found that their individual relationships with the kids drastically improved without the pressure of trying to transition them into an entirely new household dynamic, especially when they only had a couple years left in the house. So at this point, some of you may be asking yourselves, what kind of couples therapist recommends that couples live apart? That's a fair question. And to be honest, for a majority of my clients, this solution would not work. And that is the point. When we're thinking about our relationships, we have to avoid focusing on what is normal. There's no such thing as normal when we're talking about two unique individuals with their own backgrounds and their own values. For this particular couple, they had to figure out a way to separate their romantic relationship from what really boiled down to roommate issues. And they had a circumstance that supported the option to live apart. One conflict that comes up a lot in my work is the difference in values between arriving on time and arriving looking and feeling your best. Neither one is wrong, but I had a great model for this with my parents when I was growing up. We drove absolutely everywhere separately. Everywhere. You know, if you're going to be a little bit late, you arrive with my mom. And if you're arriving on time, you go with my dad. They had two minivans for only two kids. Okay. We didn't go anywhere together. And one time when I was about 12 years old, one of my closest friends finally worked up the courage to ask me about it. And I could tell she was so nervous, like I was about to reveal to her that my parents were secretly separated and she just figured it out. You know, now that I think about it, I bet her mom put her up to this. What's interesting is that her parents did go on to get divorced and my parents stayed together for 23 years before my mom passed away. Now, do I think that's due to them commuting separately? Of course not. But I think it shows us two things. First, it shows us that any deviation from the norm can be met with curiosity and even judgment. It also shows us that sometimes when we decide to do things a little differently, we can avoid the difference between having a really challenging day as a couple or a smooth day by simply accepting our differences, not as a couple, but as individuals. Instead of trying to change our partners, what if we instead embraced their differences, our difference in values, and released the pressure of doing what everyone else is doing? It's okay to be a stay at home dad. It's okay if you prefer to travel without each other. It's okay if you need to have your own bedrooms so you can maintain personal space and be sane for each other. It's okay if you want to break tradition and create a new last name. It's okay if you want to share your love on social media, but it's also okay if you want to protect it from public opinion. It's okay if you're in a season of life where you both just cannot prioritize sex. It's okay if people are confused about your relationship. It was never theirs to understand in the first place. If we continue to accept the narrative that relationships are hard, then we'll continue to do nothing about it. If our relationships feel hard, I encourage us to reflect on what is hard about it. Is it really the relationship or is it external factors like our own personal trauma histories or work stress? If it really is your relationship, let's really think about what you and your partner are willing to do differently to enjoy it. Again, I want us to reject everything we've ever known about relationships and challenge ourselves to create a relationship that not only defies expectations, but but honors the peculiarities that make us us. Thank you.

[Elise Hu]

That was Stephanie R. Yates, anjabuile@tednext in 2024. If you are interested in joining us this year, and we hope you are, learn more about ted [e-mail] dailynext. If you're curious about Ted's curation, find out [e-mail] curationguidelines and that's it for today. TED Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective. This talk was fact checked by the TED Research team and produced and edited by our team, Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Greene, Lucy Little and Tansika Songmanivong. This episode was mixed by Christopher Faizy Bogan. Additional support from Emma Tobner and Daniela Balarezo. I'm Elise Hu. I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feed. Thanks for listening.

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