The Art of Manliness Podcast

Episode: Masculinity as Confident Competence

Date: December 2, 2025
Host: Brett McKay
Guest: Elliot Ackerman (Decorated Marine, former CIA officer, novelist, columnist)

Episode Overview

This episode explores the heart of masculinity through the lens of "confident competence," arguing that manhood is less about abstract ideals and more about cultivating intention, discipline, and the practical skills that lead to a purposeful, capable life. Brett McKay is joined by Elliot Ackerman—Marine veteran, CIA paramilitary officer, and author of the A Man Should Know column—to discuss why young men are struggling, how small skills build up confidence and agency, and which practical abilities every man should know. The conversation blends personal stories, cultural critique, and concrete advice, ultimately focusing on how mastering the "little things" leads to bigger transformations.

Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Elliot Ackerman's Background & Motivation for Service

• Why join the military?
  • No family history in military; grew up overseas—developed appreciation for American privileges and wanted to serve
  • Sought meaningful responsibility and high stakes in early career
  • Childhood fascination with the military (03:42)
• Transition from military/CIA to novelist:
  • Wanted to do more with life after positive but challenging years of service
  • Chose fiction, inspired by novels like Jim Webb's Fields of Fire and Tim O'Brien's The Things They Carried, instead of writing a memoir (04:49)

2. On War Literature & Inspiration

• War themes appear in unexpected classics, e.g., The Catcher in the Rye

  "For my money, I think the greatest war novel ever written out of the Second World War is the Catcher in the Rye... that voice of that disaffected young man is really the voice of an American veteran." – Elliot Ackerman (06:30)

3. The Column — “A Man Should Know”

• Started after a conversation about wearing suits and inheriting tailored clothing from his father
• Not about finger-wagging or moralizing—intended to share small, generationally-passed skills

  "I'm not trying to finger wag anyone and tell them how to be a man... [these skills are] little things that are just passed down from one generation to another." – Elliot Ackerman (09:05)

4. Competence, Confidence, and Intentionality in Manhood

• Why competence matters:

  "You have to be competent in those small things... it's worth knowing how to, you know, just get yourself dressed so you present well." – Elliot Ackerman (11:23)

• Competence and intentionality go together—living deliberately through small actions (e.g., how to tie a tie, give thanks)
• Young men crave usefulness and agency:

  "...a lot of men feel like they're not useful anymore or they don't have the competency to navigate the world today... when they learn [skills], like their eyes light up." – Brett McKay (12:31)

• Building purpose:

  "All of us to be happy in life... need to have a sense of purpose... it's like how you build a fire with a little spark." – Elliot Ackerman (13:33)

• Daily habits (fitness, routines) reinforce accomplishment and psychological well-being

5. What’s Holding Young Men Back?

• Cultural reluctance to speak intentionally to young men; loss of explicit adult guidance

  "Culture has shied away from speaking to just sort of young straight dudes with a lot of intentionality. It's sort of become a faux pas..." – Elliot Ackerman (15:20)

• High expectations yield results:
  "I saw 18, 19, 20-year-old guys taking on huge responsibilities... the idea that young people aren't ready is a fallacy." – Elliot Ackerman (17:16)
• Importance of instruction—not just expecting results, but showing how to do things step by step

6. Skill-Building—From Little Things to Big Agency

• The Circle of Influence (Stephen Covey):
  "The way you increase your circle of influence is you do small things... your sense of agency... increases." – Brett McKay (19:35)
• Ackerman’s own transformation:
  As a teenager, went from unfit to meeting Marine standards through daily discipline, learning big achievements are made of small victories

  "Excellence is really just a habit. It's a series of habits all strung together." – Elliot Ackerman (21:01)

7. Competence & Confidence in Romantic & Family Life

• Competency contributes to romantic success and positive relationships; being able to "take care of business" is attractive

  "...the confidence comes from the competency. Right... if you clean yourself up a little bit, you make an effort, and you go talk to the girl, chances are you might get a nice result." – Elliot Ackerman (29:36)

• Skills and tradition:
  • Traditional roles (e.g., fixing things) persist for a reason; young men often don’t know what they’re “allowed” to do

  "They just don't know what to do because they don't know if they're allowed to just do the traditional thing." – Elliot Ackerman (31:12)

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On Fatherhood and Passing Down Skills:

  "When they tell you what they want and say who they are to you, help them find the pathway to become that version of themselves that they crave to be." – Elliot Ackerman (51:24)

• On Friendship:

  "As men, when we think about how we spend time with one another, the activities... are typically not like face to face activities... [but] shoulder to shoulder." – Elliot Ackerman (36:29)

  • E.g., running, fishing, playing games—building bonds through shared activity

• On Skill Degradation and Practice:

  "You have to do the work every day... making sure that you show up as much as you can with your full self each day to do that work, to keep those skills honed." – Elliot Ackerman (50:31)

• Nietzsche on Joy & Agency:

  "Joy is the feeling of power increasing. ...it just feels awesome when you level up what you're capable of, when you increase your agency." – Brett McKay (49:21)

Practical Skills Discussed (and How to Build Them)

• Style & Heirlooms: Choosing a Watch
  • Pick one that will serve you for years; invest in something that can be passed down (34:07–36:00)
• Being a Friend
  • Show up, be intentional, pick "shoulder to shoulder" activities, maintain relationships over the long arc (36:21–39:43)
• Introducing Yourself
  • Be present, remember names, follow up, look people in the eye (40:02–41:29)
• Giving a Eulogy
  • Know the audience (e.g., the deceased’s children); practice ahead of time to compose yourself; it’s an important, communal service (41:29–43:45)
• Soft Skills vs. Hard Skills
  • Most covered so far are social/cultural; upcoming topics include travel, book selection—intention in all spheres (44:07–44:37)
• Improvisation
  • Develop through daily small challenges, “brilliance in the basics,” and practicing adaptability (44:37–47:20)
• Confronting Discomfort
  • Do something that scares you a little every day to build resilience (47:23–48:36)

Action Points for Men/Fathers/Mentors

• Be intentional—don’t wait to be competent, take deliberate steps every day
• Pass on what you know—teach the "little things" to children and mentees
• Volunteer and mentor—be a positive adult presence for young people in your community (53:00)
• Embrace continuous learning and skill practice to avoid complacency and skill atrophy

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• "All of us to be happy in life... need to have a sense of purpose... it's like how you build a fire with a little spark." – Elliot Ackerman (13:33)
• "Oftentimes the lack of capability is rooted in a lack of confidence. So how do you start building that confidence? And I think it's just sort of one little brick at a time." – Elliot Ackerman (17:16)
• "Excellence is really just a habit. It's a series of habits all strung together." – Elliot Ackerman (21:01)
• "You have to go out there and you have to do it for yourself. And you have to be patient because it's not going to happen in one foul swoop. ...there's joy in the daily accomplishment of the small tasks." – Elliot Ackerman (48:47)

Important Segment Timestamps

• [03:42] — Why Ackerman joined the military
• [06:30] — War literature and unexpected inspiration
• [09:05] — The genesis of "A Man Should Know"
• [11:23] — Competence and intentionality: why small skills matter
• [17:16] — Military lessons on young men's capability and responsibility
• [21:01] — Ackerman's teenage transformation and secret of achievement
• [29:36] — Competence/confidence in romance
• [34:07] — Investing in a good watch, heirlooms
• [36:29] — Friendship as a skill; "shoulder to shoulder" activities
• [41:29] — Giving a eulogy with intentionality; practice and composure
• [44:37] — Improvisation and its foundations
• [51:24] — Parenting with intention and guidance

In Closing

Ackerman and McKay argue that the modern debate about masculinity could be grounded by returning to the basics: competence, confidence, daily intentionality, and skill-building. Whether it’s tying a tie, giving a eulogy, or learning to improvise under pressure, each small act of mastery compounds into a sense of agency, self-respect, and capability. The episode urges both men and those who guide them to embrace practical skills, teach the "little things," and approach manhood with a sense of purpose that is both traditional and refreshingly actionable.

Links:

• [Elliot Ackerman on Social Media]
• [A Man Should Know Column – The Free Press]
• [The Art of Manliness Podcast Archives]

For further reading and skills resources, see the show notes at AOM is competence.