Desk Wars

Summary

The Arthur Podcast – Episode 301: "Desk Wars"

Date: November 9, 2023
Host: Arthur Read (Narrator), Mr. Ratburn, Brain, Muffy, Buster, Binky, Fern, Francine
Produced by: GBH Kids & Gen-Z Media, distributed by PBS Kids and PRX

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Episode Overview

In this heated and comedic episode, Arthur brings listeners into a not-so-typical day at Lakewood Elementary. With an unusually hot spring day fanning tempers and creativity alike, students in Mr. Ratburn’s third-grade class break into a full-blown "desk war." What begins as friendly desk comparisons devolves into drama and chaos, revealing the quirks and camaraderie (and competition) among Arthur and his friends. The group must learn to cooperate—and scramble—to clean up their mess, all before enjoying an unexpected reward.

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Main Segments & Key Insights

1. Setting the Scene – Hot Day at School

[00:36–02:06]

• Arthur paints a vivid picture of classroom life: "It's really sweaty out here today... I want to show you Mr. Ratburn's third grade classroom."
• Listeners share stories about their own classrooms, highlighting "peace corners" and "calm corners" that help kids relax.
• Quote: "You can learn a lot about a person just from what's in their desk." – Arthur (02:00)

2. Desk Snooping and Tensions Rising

[02:06–03:45]

• Arthur tries to look in classmates' desks—Muffy protests; Buster feels picked on.
• Friendly arguments spark as Muffy, Buster, and others get defensive, hinting at underlying competition over classroom territory.
• Mr. Ratburn struggles with the "seasonably warm" classroom.
• Quote: "This classroom feels a bit like a tandoori oven." – Mr. Ratburn (02:45)

3. Desk Features and Rivalries

[03:45–05:52]

• Kids notice the desks by the window "are getting more breeze"—Muffy and Brain complain about fairness.
• Buster reveals he has an old "emergency" tuna sandwich in his desk, causing a stink.
• Trading and bragging: Bionic Bunny comics, Karate Kitten stickers, and Brain’s invention—a solar-powered supply dispenser.
• Quote: "I've added a supplies dispenser... A pencil is delivered to you automatically." – Brain (05:18)

4. Escalation: The Great Desk Shuffle

[06:07–08:29]

• Clashes over desk territory: Sue Ellen and Arthur hang decorative curtains, blocking Brain's solar panel.
• Mr. Ratburn makes Brain move desks (to much protest).
• Desks are compared for "coolness" (literally, temperature). Binky brags about his rubber band ball; Fern’s eraser "hedgehog" is revealed.
• Manipulative plans form as Muffy suggests faking an argument so someone can snag a breezy desk.

5. Fallout and Frustration

[08:29–10:31]

• The faked argument backfires—Arthur gets Brain’s breezy desk, stoking further jealousy.
• Muffy accuses Arthur of "betraying his friends" (even referencing a tricycle feud at age three).
• Quick desk and group switching, tempers flare as everyone jostles for better seats.

6. Total Breakdown: Objects as Bargaining Chips

[10:31–12:24]

• The group’s squabbling peaks—threats fly:
  • Brain threatens Fern’s eraser hedgehog: "Your pinecone hedgehog will be crushed." (10:40)
  • Binky claims dibs on desks, snacks, and more.
  • Karate Kitten stickers, desk curtains, comics, cookies, rubber bands—everything’s up for grabs or destruction.
• Memorable Moment: The kids threaten to "toss Arthur's microphone out the window."

7. Resolution: Mr. Ratburn Intervenes

[12:24–13:56]

• Mr. Ratburn finds chaos: "What in Aunt Betsy is going on in here? Quiet, everybody." (12:24)
• He assigns the class 3 minutes to clean up or face hours of after-school detention.
• Fern quietly leads the effort, cleaning up even though she didn’t cause any mess: "I don't mind cleaning up. You all make such a big deal out of everything." – Fern (13:22)

8. Happy Ending: Cooperation and Surprise News

[13:56–14:23]

• The class manages to clean up just in time.
• Mr. Ratburn shares joyful news: "I'm an uncle!" and—delight for all—announces: "In honor of my new niece, no homework." (14:14)
• The heatwave is resolved for the day; everyone is sent out for recess.

9. Wrap-Up: Lessons and Laughs

[14:23–End]

• Arthur reflects: "That wasn’t exactly a typical morning… the most epic desk war we’ve ever had." (14:23)
• Muffy invites Arthur to play broomball, hinting at more playful camaraderie to come.
• The group moves on, showing their friendships survive even the wildest school day spats.

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On classroom quirks: "You can learn a lot about a person just from what's in their desk." – Arthur (02:00)
• On the heat: "This classroom feels a bit like a tandoori oven..." – Mr. Ratburn (02:45)
• On old lunches: "This sandwich is from the last time we had tuna fish in the cafeteria. It's my emergency sandwich, and I keep it in my desk." – Buster (03:58)
• On inventions: "I've added a supplies dispenser... powered by solar panels." – Brain (05:18)
• On Fern’s hedgehog: "Fern’s been working on it all year. She takes the last bits of anyone's erasers and adds them to a pine cone." – Binky (06:56)
• On the chaos: "If you waste them [stickers] on Brain's desk, then I'll cut this desk curtain into confetti." – Muffy (11:12)
• Ratburn’s return: "Since this class is normally a well behaved group of children, I'm going to give you an opportunity to work together to clean up this mess." – Mr. Ratburn (12:24)
• Unexpected joy: "I'm an uncle! ...In honor of my new niece, no homework." – Mr. Ratburn (14:14)
• On the epic day: "I might call that the most epic desk war we've ever had." – Arthur (14:23)

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Segment Timestamps

• 00:36–02:06 – Arthur sets the scene; listeners share classroom experiences
• 02:06–03:45 – Desk snooping and first signs of tension
• 03:45–05:52 – Desk features, rivalries, and Buster’s infamous sandwich
• 06:07–08:29 – Escalating arguments, desk shuffling
• 08:29–10:31 – Fallout from fake arguments, more switching
• 10:31–12:24 – Object threats and peak chaos
• 12:24–13:56 – Ratburn restores order; the group cleans up
• 13:56–14:23 – Mr. Ratburn’s good news and no-homework surprise
• 14:23–End – Arthur’s closing thoughts and transition to broomball

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Episode Tone & Style

• Language: Funny, energetic, and true to the personalities of the Elwood City kids.
• Tone: Whimsical, relatable, sometimes chaotic but always light-hearted—showing how silly problems can feel big until the class comes together.

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Final Thoughts

Whether you’re an Arthur fan or a first-timer, "Desk Wars" is a fast-paced, humorous dive into classroom dynamics, full of relatable moments, minor chaos, and satisfying teamwork in the end. The episode is a reminder that even on the hottest and craziest days, friends can work together (eventually!)—with a little help from a kind teacher…and the promise of no homework.

Transcript

[Arthur]

From your friends at pbs kids.

[PBS Kids Announcer]

Support for this podcast and the following message for parents comes from ikea. As a parent, you childproof everything. Well, almost everything. You may not have thought about one thing, and that's securing your dressers and chests to the wall. It helps avoid dangerous tip over accidents. Secure it from ikea. Working to create safer homes together.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Hi, everyone. It's me, Arthur, and this is the Arthur Podcast. The Hot Arthur Podcast. It's really sweaty out here today. The first really hot day we've had this spring, and I'm taking you with me to school. I want to show you Mr. Ratburn's third grade classroom at Lakewood Elementary. I know everything about my classroom. I know where the pencil sharpener is, that the door squeaks when you open it, and that on Wednesdays it smells medicine y because the floors are washed. Let me check my inbox to hear what you have to say about your classrooms. In my classroom, our space is very.

[Brain]

Small, but we still have a lot of cool things like this whiteboard that we can draw on. We have a peace corner, and people go when they need some, like, quiet space. My classroom is kind of like home to me. You're never gonna forget it. We have a board that we can put our work on when it's really good. The favorite part of my classroom is the calm corner. Cool.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Your classrooms sound awesome. And now, here we are. Welcome to Mr. Ratburn's room. We've got windows on one side and a big smart board at the front. And our desks are in groups of four. We each have our own desk. And the lid raises up and down like this, and you can put all your stuff inside. You know, you can learn a lot about a person just from what's in their desk. For instance, in Francine's desk.

[Muffy]

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

[Arthur (Narrator)]

We're looking in your desk. You know, see how neat or messy it is? Stuff like that.

[Muffy]

No way. It's off limits. Try Buster's desk.

[Buster]

Hey, that's not fair. If he can't look in yours, then he can look in mine.

[Muffy]

Try Binky.

[Binky]

You're gonna get more than you bargained for if you try to open my desk.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Oh, come on. This is for my podcast.

[Muffy]

Yeah, well, that's another thing. How come you get to have your own podcast?

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Seems like everyone's a little cranky today.

[Buster]

I would have a great podcast.

[Muffy]

You. I would be the.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Maybe it's the heat. It really does feel like summer today.

[Mr. Ratburn]

Good morning, class. Let's settle down. My goodness. It is unsettling. Seasonably warm today. This classroom feels a bit like a tandoori oven. Let's open a window. That's better. A little breeze while we get started on our important work about the United Nations. The United nations is an international organization.

[Brain]

It's pretty typical.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Hey, Mr. Ratburn is going to talk about something he thinks is really important and then give us a lot of homework.

[Arthur]

Becky, just because Fern is at the dentist this morning doesn't mean you can put your bare feet on her seat.

[Binky]

What's it to you, Muffy? I only took my shoes off because my feet were so hot.

[Mr. Ratburn]

Binky, put your shoes on your feet and keep them off the chair. Thank you. Now, as I was saying, the United nations was established after World War II to prevent future conflicts and foster cooperation.

[Muffy]

Arthur, doesn't it seem like the desks by the window are getting more breeze than everyone else? It's so stuffy in here.

[Brain]

Yeah, it's not fair. And it smells funny over here.

[Buster]

Oh, maybe the heat is affecting the sandwich in my desk.

[Muffy]

Why did you bring a sandwich on pizza day? You love pizza.

[Buster]

I didn't bring a sandwich. This sandwich is from the last time we had tuna fish in the cafeteria. It's my emergency sandwich, and I keep it in my desk.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

But, Buster, the last time we had.

[Brain]

Tuna fish, that was a whole month ago.

[Muffy]

And now it's polluting my air. Get rid of it.

[Buster]

Well, it's my sandwich in my desk, so no way. Besides, I'm not even sure I could find it. I've got comic books, candy wrappers, marbles. Hey, there's my fidget spinner.

[Brain]

A shoe?

[Buster]

That's not even mine.

[Muffy]

Buster, the minute you opened the desk, the smell got way worse.

[Brain]

It's terrible.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Buster.

[Mr. Ratburn]

Arthur. Francine. Buster, am I going to have to split you up?

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Just looking for something in my desk, Mr. Ratburn.

[Theme Song Singer]

No.

[Mr. Ratburn]

Where was I?

[Brain]

Hey, Buster, was that comic book the.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Latest issue of Bionic Bunny?

[Theme Song Singer]

Yeah.

[Buster]

It's really good.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Want to swap? My dad made oatmeal cookies. See? Two cookies for a few days with the new Bionic Bunny.

[Buster]

Here, take the comic now. I'll get the cookies later.

[Muffy]

You know, Bionic Bunny is old news. The Karate Kittens are where it's at now. That reminds me. Hey, Muffy, do you have those Karate Kitten stickers you promised me? Yeah, let me get them.

[Arthur]

Brain, get your papers off my desk.

[Brain]

Muffy, I've just completed an upgrade of my desk. I've added a supplies dispenser. Behold. Press this button and A pencil is delivered to you automatically. This button is for erasers, and this one is for pens. And it's all energized by solar panels that I put on the top.

[Arthur]

Oh, that's great, Brain, but your papers keep sliding onto my desk.

[Brain]

Oh, these? These are my statistics showing that I'm receiving more breeze than anyone else in the class.

[Muffy]

I knew it. They are getting more breeze.

[Mr. Ratburn]

All of you, keep it down over there.

[Arthur]

Oh, and while we're talking about desk improvements, Sue Ellen and I need you to hang this desk curtain off the side of your desk. I bought the fabric, and Sue Ellen sewed it. We wanted our desks to look more.

[Brain]

Chic, but it blocks my solar panel.

[Arthur]

Nuh.

[Brain]

I'm taking the part on my desk down.

[Arthur]

Brain, put that curtain back up right now.

[Mr. Ratburn]

All right, you two, I've had enough. Brain, move to Fern's empty desk for the rest of the day.

[Brain]

What?

[Muffy]

But.

[Brain]

But it was Muffy's fault.

[Mr. Ratburn]

You heard me. Where was I again?

[Brain]

Hi, Binky.

[Binky]

Hey, Brain.

[Brain]

It's so much hotter over here. In fact, according to my statistics, the only desk warmer than this one is yours, Binky.

[Binky]

Hey, that's not fair.

[Brain]

But it's true. And I don't like Fern's desk. What's all this green sticky stuff on it? And her chair squeaks. And what's she got in here? What in the world is this?

[Binky]

Oh, that's her pinecone eraser. Hedgehog. Fern's been working on it all year. She takes the last bits of anyone's erasers and adds them to a pine cone.

[Brain]

So this is a thousand people's old erasers. Yuck.

[Binky]

That's nothing. Check out my rubber band ball. I've been adding to it every week we've been in school.

[Muffy]

Hey, psst. Arthur, we should have an argument. Ratburn will split us up, and then one of us will get to sit at Brain's desk. And it's the coolest one in the classroom.

[Brain]

Brain says, but I like my desk.

[Buster]

Come on, Arthur, have an argument with us. None of us will get the breeze.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

I don't want to have an argument with you, Arthur.

[Mr. Ratburn]

Buster, Francine, I warned you. Arthur, go sit at Brain's desk for the rest of the day. Now then, over here.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Well, podcast listeners, this is how it goes. Now, I'm moving to another desk, but Buster and Francine are giving me really mad looks. I don't think they meant for me to get the breeze.

[Muffy]

Whoa.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Brain's new supply dispenser is awesome.

[Brain]

Hey, Arthur, do Not mess with my new supply dispenser.

[Mr. Ratburn]

Who brought a cellular telephone into my classroom? Oh, dear, it's me. How embarrassing. Class, I have to take an important phone call. While I'm gone, pick one of the United nations agencies and write a report on it. Hello?

[Muffy]

That's so like you, Arthur Reed, sitting over there in the cool seat.

[Brain]

I didn't.

[Buster]

Yeah, Francine's right. It wasn't even your idea to fake a fight. And you're the one who got to move.

[Muffy]

You're always betraying your friends. Remember when we were three years old and our parents made us share a tricycle? You totally took more rides than me, Francine.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

I can't believe you even remember that.

[Muffy]

And I can't believe you even care.

[Buster]

Don't even try coming back to your old desk, Arthur.

[Muffy]

Yeah, we're gonna recruit somebody else for our group.

[Binky]

Hey, I'll join. Arthur's desk has gotta be cooler than mine. Brain said so.

[Brain]

But, Binky, that'll mean I'm sitting in the hottest desk in the whole class. And it's all Muffy's fault.

[Mr. Ratburn]

What?

[Arthur]

Oh, I don't think anything is ever my fault.

[Brain]

Fine. It's Arthur's fault. I want my old desk back. I want my old desk back.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Podcast friend. Things are getting pretty bad. Rain is pounding on his desk, Francine is glaring at me, and. Oh, yuck. Binky is sweating all over my desk. And now he sneezed on me.

[Muffy]

Arthur Reed, are you recording this whole thing? Maybe I should record a podcast all about Arthur's podcast. See if you like that.

[Arthur]

Arthur, I've run out of lead for my mechanical pencil. Hand me one of Brain's pencils. He has a whole dispenser here.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Muffy.

[Brain]

I can't believe it. Arthur, how could you give her my pencil?

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Hi, everyone.

[Arthur]

My dentist appointment ended early.

[Brain]

Uh, hi, Brain.

[Arthur]

Could I have my desk back?

[Brain]

Hi, Fern. Talk to Arthur.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Talk to Binky.

[Binky]

I'm not moving. I like it here. And don't even think of sitting at my old desk. That's mine, too.

[Arthur]

Wow, what's the matter with everyone today? Must be the heat. I'll just sit in the back at the empty desk. Shoot. Brain's pencil snapped. Arthur, would you get out another sharpened pencil from Brain's desk, please?

[Brain]

Don't even think about it, Arthur.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

I really can't do that. Muffy, they're Brain's pencils.

[Arthur]

Fern, would you be a dear and sharpen this pencil for me?

[Brain]

Okay, Fern, if you don't give me that pencil, because it Is my pencil. Your pinecone hedgehog will be crushed. I will shut it in the lid of this desk and it will be flattened forever.

[Muffy]

Hedgy, no.

[Binky]

That's not fair. Fern worked on that hedgehog all year long.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Fine.

[Brain]

Then your rubber band bowl gets tossed out the window.

[Muffy]

Let's toss Arthur's microphone out the window. Fern, don't listen to them.

[Arthur]

Sharpen the pencil for me or Brain's desk is covered in karate Kitten stickers.

[Muffy]

Oh, hey, you promised me those stickers. If you waste them on Brain's desk, then I'll cut this desk curtain into confetti.

[Arthur]

Hey, you cut up that desk curtain and I'll.

[Muffy]

Ow.

[Binky]

Arthur's comic book gets shredded.

[Buster]

Hey, that's my comic book. And if it gets even a single tear, then I'm eating all of Arthur's dad's oatmeal cookies.

[Muffy]

What's it gonna be, Fern?

[Brain]

Um.

[Arthur]

Yeah, well, I think I should. It's just a pencil, so.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

I'll just.

[Brain]

I warned you. Out goes the bouncy ball.

[Binky]

I'm a bad ball. Then here goes that comet.

[Buster]

Well, then I'm eating everyone else's dad's cookies.

[Brain]

I can say them right now. Hi, cookie. Pine cone Hedgehog is smush. How could you?

[Muffy]

That hedgehog was harmless. Oh, yeah.

[Brain]

Brain.

[Arthur]

Karate kitten number one on Brain Theft. Karate kitten number two on brain set.

[Brain]

No.

[Muffy]

I warned you, Muffy.

[Arthur]

Dust curtain Confetti pussy.

[Brain]

That's barbaric.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Brain.

[Muffy]

Dad made those fun.

[Mr. Ratburn]

What in Aunt Betsy is going on in here? Quiet, everybody. Since this class is normally a well behaved group of children, I'm going to give you an opportunity to work together to clean up this mess. You have exactly three minutes to put the classroom back in order. And if you don't, you'll all be staying after school with me for three hours to work it out. I'll be back after I finish this call. I'm terribly sorry. Now, where were we?

[Binky]

I'll gather all the notebooks.

[Muffy]

Notebooks?

[Arthur]

No fair.

[Muffy]

That's the easiest job. And this mess is all your fault anyway. My fault? What about Brain?

[Brain]

Brain.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Wait, everybody. Fern is cleaning up. Fern, why are you cleaning up? You didn't even make any of this mess.

[Arthur]

I don't mind cleaning up. You all make such a big deal out of everything.

[Muffy]

I suppose I could straighten the desks.

[Binky]

I'll get some cleaner. And a sponge.

[Brain]

While you're at it. Wipe down Fern's desk. It's got sticky stuff all over it.

[Arthur]

Oh, that was from my aloe vera experiment.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Aloe Vera is an herbal remedy for sunburn.

[Brain]

Interesting. Fern, what did you do in your experiment?

[Arthur]

I'll tell you later. We've only got another two minutes to fix this place up.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Jesus.

[Arthur]

Looking better.

[Brain]

Can you hand me down?

[Muffy]

Really nice.

[Mr. Ratburn]

Well, class, I just got off the phone with my sister and I'm an uncle. Oh, this classroom looks much better. What a lovely, bright, sunny day. Let's open all the windows so everyone gets a breeze. Oh, never mind. It's recess. Go out and enjoy the breeze yourself. And in honor of my new niece, no homework.

[Arthur]

Yes.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Well, listeners, that wasn't exactly a typical morning in my classroom. I might call that the most epic desk war we've ever had.

[Muffy]

Hey, Arthur, want to come play broom ball? Maybe you could tell the podcast people about my home run last week.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

The one where you hit the ball so hard a piece of your broom fell off. Now that was epic.

[Muffy]

Yeah, maybe you can even interview me.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Good idea, Francine. Gotta go. Listeners, there's a broomball game to get to. Catch you next time on the Arthur Podcast. You've been listening to the Arthur Podcast. Hey, parents, do you want your kids to answer my next inbox question? First, go to the arthur [e-mail] to find out what I'll be asking. Then email me a voice recording of your child's response to arthurgbh.org your child's answer might even be featured on a.

[Buster]

Future podcast that's the show Podcast Nation. If you liked it, ask your grown up to subscribe so you don't miss any new episodes. You can listen to all our podcasts, play games and [e-mail] the Arthur Podcast.

[Arthur (Narrator)]

Is produced for PBS Kids by GBH Kids in partnership with Gen Z Media and distributed by prx. Thanks for listening and have a wonderful kind of day.

[Theme Song Singer]

And I say hey, what a wonderful kind of day. You can learn to work and play and get along with each other. You got to listen. Listen to your heart, listen to the beat. Listen to the rhythm, the rhythm of the street. Open up your eyes, open up your ears.

[Arthur]

Gbh kit.

[Theme Song Singer]

From prx.