Jamie (0:00)

All right, guys, welcome back to authentic society. I'm Jamie, for those that don't know a couple things, I just realized this is my eighth solo episode, so there's that. And with that being said, and with that being really transparent, I was kind of down in the dub the other day just thinking that some of my episodes are better than others, or an episode I don't really give much thought to just performs 10 times better than an episode I put a lot of thought in, or sometimes my energy's not all the way up, or I don't know what I'm gonna say in the episode, or I think too much. Either way, the point of me saying that is it's only my eighth episode solo, and I'm still just trying to figure out my groove. And so if you could be ever so kind in the comments, whether you're listening on Spotify or Apple Music, because I know I have a lot more listeners there than I do on YouTube. I love my YouTube girlies. You guys are the kindest folks I've ever met. I love that I have the same YouTube comments, the people that are always commenting on my YouTube. You just don't know how much it means to me. But either way, whatever comment section you're in, if you could put in this episode what your favorite kind of episode I've done so far solo, and what you're looking for in the future, things you would like me to talk about. Do you like when I'm a little bit more goofy or sassy? Do you like when I'm more serious? Just let me know in the comments, like what your favorite kind of episode for me is to do. I do think I do better off the cuff and when I'm not putting a lot of thought into it. I also don't know how I feel about Wednesdays now because going back, my Monday's episodes do a lot better than my Wednesday episodes. So if you can also put. Whether you like me on Mondays or Wednesdays, I will say Wednesdays are just easier for me. But that's not to say I won't go back to Mondays if I have to. Anyway, with that being said, I am on Wednesdays now. I am glad you guys are here. And let's get into our girl chat today. I really didn't put a lot of thought in what I was going to talk about today because obviously I said I think I do better off the cuff. Obviously my friendship breakup video did really well, and I don't know if that's just because I know I have a lot of female listeners. And I know every single female I've ever talked to can relate to a friendship breakup. They're inevitable in our time and journey in life. And so I think that's why that did really well. I don't know if some topics are a little too niche and not everyone can relate to them. So I do want to be very broad about the topics I talk about just so any female, you know, whether you're a millennial, a boomer, a Gen X, a Gen Z, or whatever you're in, you can relate to. And so today I wanted to talk about relationships, romantic partners and romantic relationships, and just talk about some of my experiences and journeys. And you know, I'm on my third year of marriage learning about marriage. I think it's so interesting because we're all as women just trying to figure our relationships out for the very first time. You know, I look at my mom or my aunt or you know, my mother in law or any woman that is older than me and I see that they really were just doing life for the first time too and figuring out their marriages and their relationships for the first time. And no one has a guidebook on how to be romantically involved with somebody and the best way to have a good long lasting relationship. You really don't know until you just go through it, right? I mean, you can, people can tell you all these things and give you wedding advice and they can tell you, oh, marriage is hard, marriage is this. But you don't really know until you do it for yourself, right? You can watch others and learn from other people's mistakes. But until you're in the thick of it in a relationship, whether you're in a long term relationship and you're not married yet, or you're five months into a relationship, or you just moved in together, or you're in the thick of marriage of three years like I am, you just don't know. Like nobody knows what they're doing. And it's kind of a scary thought. You know, you can ask people that have been married for 30 plus years, like, what was the secret? Or what is this? But everyone is so different and every relationship is so very different than the next. Like even my friendships and their marriages, I'm always like, wow, we, we do things differently and there's no right or wrong way, I feel like to do things in a marriage, if that's what's worked for you. And as long as you're safe and happy. So again, disclaimer. Like every episode I'm not trying to give advice. I'm just having a girl chat, speaking my thoughts out loud. And if you can relate to something great. Again, not trying to give advice. I am no position to give anybody life advice. I am just winging it over here and doing the damn best I can, which I think a lot of my viewers and listeners are doing the same. So, again, no advice coming from me. But I do want to speak on relationships and marriage in my romantic relationships, just because, let me tell you, it changes so much. Sorry for my sniffle. So I'm three years into my marriage, and my husband and I, we met when I was 20, I would like to say, in college. We were actually neighbors in college, and, you know, we were really good friends before we started dating. Then we dated on and off for a long time, and it wasn't until Covid hit that we got back together and it finally kind of stuck. And, you know, thank God for that. I think Covid brought a lot of people in their relationships together, but we were very confined to each other and relied on each other during that time for whatever reason. And I don't know if we would have gotten back together if Covid wasn't so prominent or, you know, would have, could have, should have, or whatever that. But, you know, now we've been married for three years, and I still don't feel like I'm old enough enough to have a marriage of three years. But here I am. And each year of marriage and each year of my relationship, I learn new things about my husband I knew learn new things about myself, and I learn new things, what works for our relationship and what doesn't. And, you know, I have different friends from all different walks of life. I have friends that just got married or engaged, are completely single, or have been married a lot longer than I have. So it's very interesting to me what works for everyone's relationships and what doesn't. And I will say that I can definitely tell when me and my husband are going through a tough phase in our marriage and when we're going through a good phase. And I think it's important to know when you're going into a relationship things that I didn't. No, happiness is not a destination. It ebbs and flows. There are going to be times that you're so happy in your relationship and you look at them and you adore them and you go, oh, my gosh, I just truly have the best partner and we have a great marriage and we're killing it and we're driving and we're getting along great. And then there are times in your marriage where you absolutely hate one another and you think, oh my God, I don't know what we're doing. We're not getting along. We don't know how to communicate what happened. Do we have a bad marriage and you kind of self doubt and I wish I would have told myself years ago or what I would have known about marriage is that you can have a happy and great marriage. That doesn't mean you're happy 247 in that marriage. That means that you look at that person and you go, I am willing to commit to them for the rest of my life. I don't want to work on a marriage with anybody else. They are the person I chose. They chose me back. And we are agreeing that no matter how hard it gets or how unhappy we are in the moment, we are going to work on this. And that's kind of how I view marriage. I. There's way more times that I'm happy in my marriage and I'm happy with the relationship that my husband and I have. But. But there are times that you look at your marriage and you go, we're not connecting. Where no matter we're having the same argument over and over again and no matter what we say or how we approach the argument, it's not getting resolved. And that can be really frustrating in a marriage, and that can be really frustrating in a relationship. I am a runner. You're looking at the Ms. Bolter herself. When things get hard in a relationship for me, I run. I take the off. I am, you know, I strap on my tennis shoes and I am gone. It is just what feels easiest to me. It is my avoidance strategy. I don't know what it is of why I'm a runner. I mean, there's probably tons of reasons why I am, but obviously that's not healthy, you know, and then you get married and you end up in the same house with somebody and you go, oh my God, I can run, but I'm gonna have to come back. I don't. This is where I live. That was very humbling to realize. When I got married, I realized, oh, I have to come back. Like, I can run, but I can't hide. And with that being said, I think as women or as men or anybody listening, we all have tendencies that are really hard to break even when you get married, you know, whether it's from your family trauma or your relationship, your parents relationship that you watch growing up or whatever it may be, we all have really negative things about us that we want to break in our marriage and we know about ourselves or hopefully, I think that's the most important thing in a relationship is that, you know the things you need to work on. That doesn't mean I'm never going to run again or I'm never going to bolt or leave after an argument. Because let's be real, ladies, when me and my husband argue, I'm the type of person where I need a minute. I need a minute to collect my thoughts. I need a minute to think about what I'm going to say because God forbid I say something mean and I can't take it back. So the best strategy, strategy I like to use is to exit a situationship or a situation. And I like to leave. And that doesn't mean like leave permanently. That means like, get in my car, go for a drive, go to my friend's house, go to my mama's, whatever it may be. And I like to ex myself from what I feel like is not an argument that's not going anywhere or it's too much for me. And I like to clear my head, clear my thoughts so I can understand why I'm so upset and get the words I want to say so I can say them correctly. And sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes that's a negative thing, obviously, because you can't just leave every time you have an argument with somebody. But also it's a good thing because it has stopped me from saying things that I potentially will regret. And my husband's the exact opposite of me. He's the type of person that is not going anywhere. Homeboy is going to sit there on the couch and be chill and he's like, I don't, I don't know what you want me to say. And so me and my husband are very different in that aspect. And I think all for that, for me to say is finding the things that, you know, you need to work on or you know that you don't love about yourself in a marriage is so liberating because none of us are perfect. No relationship is perfect. My husband struggles with communication skills. He doesn't always have the best words to articulate how he's feeling. He's always struggled with that. He is the biggest lover and the biggest teddy bear ever. And he shows his love in completely other ways, but he does not know really sometimes how to verbalize what he's feeling out loud. He shows stuff through quality time or actions or physical touch or whatever it may be. And I Struggle with that because I feel like I show my love or I show my frustration with trying to verbalize. And so we're very different in that way. And knowing your person's like love language, but also knowing your person's like what they struggle with is very important. I wish I could tell myself going into my marriage or into my relationship that just because your partner might always struggle with communication, that doesn't mean they're not actively trying to work on it, grow from it, become a better person from it. That doesn't mean they're constantly working on it, but that means it might never get solved, right? I think we always think that the problems in a relationship are always just going to be magically solved one day. And I don't think that's true from what I can tell on this side of marriage, is that it's always going to be constant work. Just like my, like being the bolter and running. And that's my first initial thing I do is like I shut down and I run. I'm working on it. I'm trying to get better from it, but it's something I'm probably always going to struggle with a little. And loving somebody where they're at in that struggle, as long as they're actively working on it, I think is so important for a healthy relationship. I used to think that one day I'm gonna wake up and my husband's just gonna be the best communicator in the entire world. That joke's on me. Bless my husband. He's gonna be listening this, editing it, but he's got him way better at his communication. Do I think he's ever going to be a top tier communicator for, you know, the FBI? No. Am I always going to be able to stay completely put? No. But I think actively, always working on the things that we struggle with in our marriage and actively saying this is something I struggle with is really important. Because I used to think that a happy marriage meant all your problems were always solved. And that's just not the case. It's been really eye opening to know that for the rest of your life you're, you're going to be in a relationship where there are going to be ebbs and flows and there are going to be problems that arise and it's how you get through them and come out on the other side that's ten times more important. I use this analogy a lot with my husband because we have, obviously we were raised very differently. His parents were together for 30 years. They still are together and my parents divorced and we just kind of grew up looking at marriage and loved and life differently, which is okay. I think that's actually something that really balances us really well because we give each other completely different perspectives on things, which I think is great. I don't think I could ever be with somebody that didn't challenge me in my thought process. But I will say that. Oh God, I forgot my train of thought. That's terrible. Oh, I use this analogy. This is the analogy I use. You know, my husband says to me a lot, you know, I dang, that's a lot of work. And I always try to tell him, yeah, but there's difference between something being really hard and something just being work. So like maintenance. I think marriage requires maintenance. Climbing Mount Everest is hard. That's hard work. Taking out the trash is maintenance work. It's not hard, it's annoying. Sometimes you feel good after you do it, and that's work. That's what marriage is. Sometimes it's taking out the trash, collecting the trash, taking it out, putting it in the trash bin, taking it to the road. That's work. You feel good after you do it. You feel accomplished, you feel clean. And that's kind of what I use as an analogy for marriage. You are going, you don't take the trash out every day, but there are points in the week or once a week or whatever that you're going to take the trash out. And keeping up that work like it's a household chore is something that you'll thank yourself for later. I think a lot of men, not all men, but men, and particularly my husband sometimes thinks that's hard. Like, gosh, I just, you know, it's. Sometimes it's hard work. No, climbing Mount Everest is hard. Taking out the trash is work. There is a difference with all that to say, I have a lot of single friends. And if you're single and you're watching this, hello, welcome. I hope you're enjoying and loving life. Because I look back on the times that I was single, I lived alone, I was single, I moved to a new city by myself. I think all of those are so important, important before you get married. And I think how you live alone and how you love yourself alone is every type of build up and creation to how good your lifelong partner's relationship is going to be. Because who you are comfortable with yourself and by yourself is important. Because then you don't rely on so heavily on your partner to one, make your happiness to do things for you. Because if you're in a relationship where you're constantly. You're requiring your partner to give you happiness or give you fulfillment or give you a life, your happiness will fall every time. Your happiness should be your responsibility. Your partner should add to that happiness 110%. Your partner should make all the good things in your life already better. And if you don't have a relationship like that, then I really encourage you to look at that relationship. Because I always tell myself that Dylan, my husband, he, you know, I'm very independent. I love to do my own thing. I get caught up in my work a lot. And my husband is very supportive of that. He knows that there are Saturdays I work or I work late, really sometimes, or, you know, I tell him, hey, I want a girls night. I'm going to have all the girls over, get out. And he's supportive of that. And I think it's really important to have a partner that adds that value to your life, that isn't jealous of you living your own life. They just make it better. And so I think when you're in your single girl area, if you're listening and you are a single girl, I think it's so important how you love yourself during this time period. And how you create the life for yourself will only make you stronger and that much better. For when you do get in a lot like a lifelong relationship. And if you are dating and struggling, if the person is not adding value to your life and is not okay with your own having your own life and just adding value to it, then they might not be the one for you. I have a lot of single, you know, friends that constantly ask me, like, how did you know Dylan was the one? How did you know your husband was the right person to marry? And my answer is so simple. Marry the good guy. You know, when you marry the good guy, the nice guy, the nerdy guy, it makes. It's so much simpler and beautiful and great. I never have to convince other people that Dylan's a good guy. I never have to defend him to people. I never have people go, God, Dylan's an. And I never have to stick up for him. Because everybody in my life, anybody that meets Dylan, knows he's a good guy, you know, and all the people I loved loved that he was a good guy. And so my advice to anybody that is like, how'd you know Dylan was the one? Is if you are questioning or you have to defend your partner all the time to people that he's a good person, then he might not be A good person. It's that simple. You don't have to defend good people and tell people they're good people. And so, Mayor, marry the good guy. I think it's really simple. And I think people expect this, like, complicated answer on why to get married or if you know you're marrying the right person. I think if you know you're marrying the right person, then you don't question it, you don't doubt it. And even when relationships get hard, or you go through ups and downs in your relationship, or you want to look at your husband and smack him across the face because he forgot to pick up his, you know, chewable wrapper off the side table, you still know they're a good person. You still know you're married to a good guy, flaws and all. And I think that sometimes what women struggle with, looks in a marriage are important. I mean, that came out wrong. Physical attraction is important in a marriage, obviously. But his looks won't help raise your children. His morals will. Him being a good person is what's going to keep that relationship stable and steady. His looks, what car he drives, how much money he makes won't. And I'm. That's not to say that finances or having a man that's capable of taking care of himself or taking care of family is not important. Important. That's not what I'm saying. But having the richest, sexiest, coolest guy is not the guy that's going to, you know, make you feel good and, and, and communicate and work on a marriage. And they might be, But I also think that if you're in the right marriage, you think you have the best guy in the world. I know I do. Even when he gets on my freaking nerves. But I truly think that I see a lot in, like, the younger generation, and I also see a lot in the older generation that, you know, have been divorced and stuff. I think women always know, right? I think we always have a gut instinct if it's right or not. I think if we have to question it too much or always wondering, like, is he the one? Is he the one? Then he probably isn't. A lot of older women that, you know, are the boomers or Gen X or whatever that did get divorced or, you know, were in bad marriages knew very early on, even sometimes before they got married, that they shouldn't been marrying that person or they knew they were going to get divorced eventually. And I think just women always know. And to that being said, trust your instincts, trust your gut. Also, life is too short to be In a shitty marriage, life is too short to be with somebody that you don't think is a good person. If you are not proud, even when you are upset with your husband or you're going through a rough pasture in your marriage, if you are not proud to be with that person, then you probably shouldn't be with them. I think that the biggest test of marriages all is how you guys root for each other on the outside. You know, what goes on behind closed doors, I do feel like should be your business, that should be kept private. How you handle things behind closed doors is completely different than going out to the public. And, you know, me and Dylan could have our worst argument or not be getting along, but when we go out in public, we're gonna be each other's cheerleaders, and we're gonna be each other's have each other's back, and we're gonna talk positively about each other, and we're not gonna fight with each other in public. Because I think if you can't put aside your fights that are in private for when you get out in public and when you start fighting in front of people in public or it starts overflowing, what goes on behind closed doors to public and you're not proud to be with that person, you're tearing them down in public, then it's probably a good tell sign that, you know, maybe they're not the one. Maybe it's not the right fit for you. And that's not to say, you know, I'm not saying all this that if you're married, that you shouldn't go seek counseling or help or try at all. But that is to say that I still can walk out in public or even on the Internet and be very proud of who Dylan is, even if he gets on my nerves or even if we've had a really, like, drag out, knockout argument, because we all do it, you know, no one's marriage is perfect. Nobody. And I know. I. Everyone always used to say that, you know, before I got married, everyone's like, no one's marriage is perfect. No one's marriage is perfect. And I always just thought it was this corny line that people said to make women feel good about their marriages or, you know, got women to stay in a toxic relationship. Well, no one's marriage is perfect. No, I mean, it's true. It really is true. And that doesn't mean you don't have a good marriage. I think I have a good marriage. I also know that no marriage is perfect. And I know that marriage Is a constant hustle. You have to constantly be wanting to work and be better. And when you are happy, I really struggle with always thinking, like, what's next? You know, like what's the next move for us? Or what can we do? Blah blah, blah. I and I've talked about this and being content in all aspects of my life. But I need to know, like when I am happy in my marriage, I need to be good with being still in that. You know, when you have those moments of happiness and things are good and you're really thriving in life and you and your husband are on the same page, learning to be still in that and to soak in that happiness. Because those are the moments of reward. Like where you're rewarded for putting in work is so freaking important. I need to learn more to be really still when my marriage in my life and I'm just happy because I know there can be bad times, I know there can be hard times and this is an all aspect of life. But when that shit's good, hold on to it. Because happiness again is not a destination. It ebbs and flows like everything else in your life. And hopefully when you have that happiness, it's long, long, long streams of it. But unfortunately, and I know many of you will see, I've seen so much about life that doesn't always last forever. So when we have those moments of happiness, to really learn to be still in it and to be grateful for it and thank God for it because it is not always there. And then finding also the moments where we are struggling or we are in a down in life to find little moments to make us happy and to be grateful and to do little things that are not only for yourself but for the other people in your life. I get so much reward and gratification now when I try to do things for my husband that are outside the normal norm I get. I love doing little things for him. And I forget all the time, like, when's the last time I did just something sweet and nice for my husband? I think as humans were always like, me, me, me, me, me. What can he do for me? When's the last time he got me flowers? When's the last time he took me out on a date? But when's the last time you done something for him that was outside of the norm too? And that's not to say that you don't deserve all the things, but he does too. As women, I think, especially in the younger generation, we've gotten like, what can this man provide for me? Instead of also looking at, it's like, what can you provide too? Because it takes two. When you are in a good equal marriage and it's 50, 50, you, you also have to put in just as much effort as them. That's not to say don't know your worth, queen, because let me tell you, I've dated some, I'm dated, I've dated some people that didn't know how to do anything for anybody but themselves. So know your worth. But also at the same time, this is coming from somebody that if you're listening and you've been in a long term marriage or you're kind of freshly married like me, three years in, it's kind of, you know, figuring it out for the first time. Like I said earlier in this podcast, we're all just kind of figuring it out. And I think that's really interesting and how different everyone's marriages are. I always am so fascinated with this. You know, anytime I go out with a couple that's been married or just got a marrier, or even when they've had their first baby or a couple that's been together for 30 years, every marriage is so different. And what makes you happy and what makes you content might not make the person next to you happy and content. I look at some people's marriages and I go, that would stress me out. I could never have that, I could never do that. And that's okay because at least I know myself and I know that what I want out of my marriage. But also, I don't judge them if that's what makes them happy and that's what makes it work. As long as, you know, the people in my life that I'm close to, my friends, all the women or even the men, they're safe. It's not causing them any type of harm then honestly, who cares, right? Different strokes for different folks. I'm sure people look at me and Dylan's marriage all the time and go, he lets her do that or she lets him do that. And me and Dylan, really in our marriage currently, since we don't have children, we really love being able to do our own thing. We're really relishing in this period of our lives where, you know, he does get to go and golf all day on Saturdays. I don't care. He, why would. I'll just go do something or I'll go work, I'll go to work or I'll go hang out with my friends. You know, we don't have that. He's got to be Home, there has to be kids or I have to be home or whatever. We're really relishing in that life because we know it's not going to be like that forever. You know, we're never going to be this young, married and financially stable without having kids or somebody else to take care of again. So let's just relish in it. And I think that's really another great piece of advice that I, I saw one time, is that enjoy every phase of life you're in with your marriage. It also helps, and I really take that to heart because, you know, when me and Dylan first got married, we were living together in a rental and we were both so eager to be able to buy a house or build a house or whatever. And you know, we got married, we lived in that rental for like eight months and then we moved out and we started building our house. But we moved in with his parents, my in laws. And while I'm extremely grateful that we didn't rent and we got to save money and do that at the time, it was also very, very hard in our very first year of marriage living in somebody else's space. And I remember just. And I was also teaching at the time, so I was absolutely miserable with everything. I hated life during that phase. That was like one of the most down I've ever been. But I remember like, oh my gosh, let's just get. If I just get into this new house, I'll be happy. And then we got into our new house and it's like almost. You're just like never satisfied as humans. And so it's like, oh, we need to do this to the yard, or oh, I want a pool, or oh, do this and. Or oh, we need to have kids. Now we've moved in, we don't have an excuse to have kids anymore or whatever it may be. And I think in every relationship just really enjoying the phase of life you're in and relishing in it because it doesn't last forever. Just like the happiness, just like the bad moments in life, you know, if you're going through a tough phase in your marriage, it's not going to last forever. It might, but then again, you're not in the right marriage. But with all that being said, the things that I really have, I like to take in when I'm going through hard times is to soak in the happiness and soak in the moment because it won't always be like this. Also trust your gut. As women, I don't think anybody can make you leave a bad marriage, but yourself or a relationship. I don't think any girlfriend, anybody's piece of advice or words can make you leave a bad relationship unless you are ready. And that's what I have figured out. There have been so many times in the past where friends have tried to get me to leave a relationship because it wasn't good or vice versa. And I was always trying to be like, you have to leave, you have to leave. Nobody is going to leave a relationship unless they are ready, unless it's their choice. And in that moment you have to decide, do I want to be supportive or if they're not listening to me or is it causing them harm, do I need to walk away? But I think women's guts and intuitions are the most important things that God has ever given us. Because I can tell you my gut, my intuition has never been wrong. Never. And deep down, you know when something's not right for you, you don't need somebody to sit there and talk you into breaking up with somebody or leaving a bad situationship. And I don't think women do until they're fully ready. And if you are just getting out of a bad breakup or you are in the phase of life being single, wait for the good guy. Wait for the guy that is just good. And not only is he good to you, he's good to every single person that he comes around. He's good to the people he works with, he's good to his family, he's good to his friends. He's good to your friends, your friends. And it's that simple to me. I don't think things need to be over complicated. I think when you found a good person to spend the rest of your life with, it does make things simpler, doesn't make you not want to choke them out and, you know, scrap. Because I tell Dylan all the time, let's go get the boxing gloves. Because I swear to God, if we could just beat the shit out of each other one good time, our marriage would be all right. But when you marry a good person, it does make it a lot easier. And for the women that are have been married for a really long time or been in a really long relationship, I would love to know your best piece of marriage advice or relationship advice that you would give your younger self or you would give somebody like me who's just three years in or you know, your best piece of marriage advice. I would love to hear it. I'm sure a lot of women in the comments would like to hear it. I think learning from people that have been in marriages or been through divorces is so important, especially when you're young and you're just figuring it out for the first time. So please let us know in the comments. I know I have a lot of wise women that watch me and I'm curious to see what you guys have to say. But yeah, I know this was a little all over the place but I do think I do better when I get off the cuff and I don't think so much what I'm about to say. Obviously I could talk about relationships forever and ever and ever and I probably will talk about them again. Let me know if you want me to talk about like my past relationships, things I've learned in those toxic relationships, the world of dating, etc. Etc. And I'll be happy to share. But until next time thank you guys so much for listening and I will see you next week. Bye.