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- [00:01]
A
Welcome back to the Authentic Society. I'm Jamie.
- [00:03]
B
I'm Maddie.
- [00:04]
A
And on today's episode, we are gonna talk about the comparison game. I feel like as women, we really struggle at comparing ourselves to people, whether it's in our lives, our friends, people we meet on the street. Social media makes it really difficult.
- [00:25]
B
I feel like more than women do this.
- [00:28]
A
Oh, I'm sure.
- [00:29]
B
I feel like everybody does it really bad. And that is especially with the. At the invention of social media and the overtaking of Instagram influencers.
- [00:44]
A
The thing is about the comparison game, though, it is something even before social media, I think is so deeply rooted in us as people.
- [00:55]
B
You know, there was like hard drugs. Hard. Hard narcotics were a thing in the.
- [01:00]
A
1950S, you know, like, you know, even. But when you think about childhood and stuff, comparing yourself to your siblings and their grades, or if they're really good at a sport and you're not, or if your siblings are, do you think.
- [01:16]
B
That that is a normal thing? You think it's just part of it, comparing yourself to your siblings?
- [01:23]
A
Yes, I. I think it's normal, it's competitive.
- [01:28]
B
I see my kids do it sometimes, but it wasn't. It's not as bad as we did.
- [01:32]
A
I think comparison is always a thing when we have labels. So growing up my doctor on here, I had one sister, older sister, and she is like a genius. Like, she's very smart and she's like, her first word was book. Like she loves books and reading and she's just very naturally gifted in that sense. And I always really struggled in school and I was like the funny, outgoing one and she was the reserve smart one. And I think society gave us those labels. And when you are labeled as a child to be one certain way, I think you compare yourself to people that they have attributes or traits that you don't see in yourself.
- [02:28]
B
Okay.
- [02:29]
A
And even though I know now that I'm very smart, growing up, I did not think that. So I always compared myself to people that were so much better in school and it really didn't help with my self esteem.
- [02:45]
B
Yeah, I think that. So I've wondered if it's like normal to compare yourself to the inacc. In acquisitions. Why am I saying that word wrong? Inadequacies that you had with your siblings, or is that like, is it normal to do that or is that just something that is bred in a family culture?
- [03:08]
A
I don't know.
- [03:09]
B
I. Did your parents compare you two a lot or was it more school? So it starts at a young age, right? Comparison starts at a Young age. And I mean like I said in the 1950s and 60s, that's why like the, the do it all mom was a big thing.
- [03:30]
A
Right.
- [03:30]
B
And there was a lot of comparison.
- [03:32]
A
But even if you're not conditioned to compare yourself and it starts at a young age and you weren't conditioned by your parents, I think everybody compares now.
- [03:43]
B
Now? Yeah. Because of the invention of social media.
- [03:47]
A
You think that's it?
- [03:48]
B
I think that's part of it. Well, first off, keeping up with the Joneses was a thing before the social media. Right. Everybody wants to appear superior, I guess, or like they have their poop in a group. So I think that social media didn't help that. But the thing is what social media did was it removed the real aspects. I do believe that especially in the last, what, two to three years there has been more talk about behind the scenes and anti influencing and like real and raw. There's like right now it's really trending to do vlog style. Like real life people want that real life connection instead of the cultivated and like pretty filtered pictures all on social media, which is before the invention of reels. I feel like that's all it was. Like it was the pretty pictures with the cool filters.
- [04:44]
A
That's why is a highlight reel.
- [04:48]
B
Oh yeah.
- [04:48]
A
You know, I think we forget in this day and age and I really want to stress this because even people say that all the time, social media is a highlight layer, social media is a highlight reel. But really you think?
- [05:00]
B
I think you can say it, but do you really understand it?
- [05:04]
A
Right? But you think about it. This is the way I think about it. There's 24 hours in a day that somebody lives right? Whether you're sleeping, eating, going to work. And if somebody is an influencer, let's say they post five minute videos on TikTok or reels on Instagram or they get on stories for an hour. You are seeing such a small clip of that 24 hours a day. And it is so easy to think that they're showing you so much because they're posting so much. But it could be an hour of time they've spent the day to post that out of 24 hours.
- [05:44]
B
Well and then so I think what's happening is it's skewing. So you follow these influencers and each of them are posting maybe an hour tops of their life and then you've just seen three hours of cultivated and it's made sure that it's pretty of a highlight reel on Instagram and then that skews with your psyche, why is, why are they all their lives so perfect and mine's not?
- [06:16]
A
What do you. If you compare yourself to people, what is the one thing you compare the most? Like, what is the one thing you struggle with in the comparison game? Because we all do it.
- [06:28]
B
Up until recently, it was my house. Oh. Because I don't have an influencer house. Caleb and I, and this was something. So I practice gratitude. I think everybody should do that. Last November, I did like a gratitude challenge and. Oh, we don't have that anymore. But up until recently, it was my house and I would have family members come and pick apart my house. And I love my house. Caleb and I bought it with our own money that we worked hard for, we saved, we were. And we flipped and we've renovated it with our own money. We've put a lot of love into that house and. But it doesn't look like an Instagram influencer's house. And so I'd get frustrated because there's little things that bother me and I'm. And I see those things. But recently I was like, you know what? Like, this house has given me memories with my kids. They love it. Caleb and I have renovated it. We've poured so much love into it. We brought Joey home here.
- [07:33]
A
Like, you bought it at a great interest rate.
- [07:35]
B
Yeah, we bought it at a great interest rate. But it's like it was our home. It was our home. Like, I was so proud of it when we got it. And then I would compare it to Instagram influencers. Newly built house with nine foot ceilings and pretty cultivated thousand square feet. Yeah. And I'm like, and it's a smaller home and, but it fits us. We're cozy. But I like, I. And I told Caleb I love it. Like, I love that. And I had to really think about that. Like, what bothers me about my house is it all these things. But all those are real. They're at other houses. When I go to other people's houses, I see the imperfections in my own house, in their houses.
- [08:17]
A
Yeah.
- [08:17]
B
It's just not cultivated.
- [08:18]
A
No. Because there are so many influencers that have gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous houses. But it's obviously not always realistic. It's not a realistic thing. You know, prices are up in the economy, interest rates are up. And also at the same time, is it.
- [08:37]
B
Most people have brown cupboards.
- [08:39]
A
And also, was it really ideal to go to Pottery Barn and buy a $300 vase?
- [08:46]
B
I would not. I would never.
- [08:48]
A
Do you know what I mean? Or is it really ideal to buy a $10,000 couch, you know, it's not. But that's what looks good on screen.
- [08:56]
B
Obviously there's this thing called de influencing and I love it and I've been very careful about sponsored posts that I do. Do I really like this product? Would I really recommend it? And that is something that I think a lot of influencers don't do. And that is also. So there's this pressure to buy it. It's modern day advertising. You're just advertising instead of on tv, which is where everybody used to get. You're advertising on social media, which is where everybody gets their knowledge now. But I think that people should really think about these things, you know, like when it's. It's so. It's. You shouldn't. Do you need it? Is it going to make your life better? Will it really make you happy?
- [09:35]
A
Yeah. My biggest comparison I have is my career.
- [09:40]
B
Really?
- [09:41]
A
Yeah. I really have struggled with that. Not so much anymore because I feel like for once in my life my career is exactly where I really enjoy it to be. But when I was trying to figure out really what I wanted to do with my life, you know, they say go to college, you'll get to the, you'll get a degree and you'll be ahead of the game and you'll know exactly what you want to do and you're going to be making good money because you have this four year degree and. And you're just, you're going to know. And I was never the person even in high school that knew what I wanted to go to college.
- [10:12]
B
The biggest lie, the biggest lie we were told is that we had to know what we wanted to do for the rest of our lives at 18.
- [10:21]
A
Your babies, your babies.
- [10:23]
B
Like.
- [10:23]
A
But I graduated when I was 22 and still didn't know well.
- [10:26]
B
And I know so many people who went and got their degrees because they were told that they had to. And they were like, oh, so and so loves it. So and so loves it. And they ended up going back and getting a completely different degree.
- [10:36]
A
Yeah. I'm going to say this for anybody that is listening. It is okay to change careers. We are not living in a day and age where you go and you work at the Same company for 35 years, you get a pension, and that is that we are not.
- [10:52]
B
It's okay to change your mind. It is.
- [10:55]
A
But it's okay that if you do a career for five years and you realize you don't love it anymore to change your career because life is too short and we spend so Much time at work to be in a career that doesn't fulfill you.
- [11:09]
B
Yeah.
- [11:10]
A
And I get that's not always the case for people because money is always involved. And like, you do have to. Sometimes you work a career because it's good money or you need the money. So I.
- [11:19]
B
Handcuffs.
- [11:20]
A
I completely get that. I'm not saying, go quit your job, have a backup. But I am saying that for me, when I got out of, you know, college, I graduated in 2019. And then Covid hit really quickly after. And that was not a time to explore a career. Unfortunately, Covid, everything was shut down. Marketing, communications, those are the first cut. Marketing is always the first cut in a company because they think they can cut it, but that's a different story. And I went into teaching for three years and I was miserable. I hated every second of that job, which needs to be a completely different. Whole different episode on why I left teaching. But I was remember getting out of teaching and thinking, oh, my God, I just wasted three years of my life doing something that I'm not going to do. And I'm basically, essentially starting over in a career. And there was. I was jealous of people that had really cool careers and were really successful and happy and loved their careers. And I always compared myself to that. And, like, I'm so far behind. Some of my friends have jobs that they're making almost six figures in. And I am starting over. And I think I've struggled with that because I'm like, always have looked at my age and it's like, gosh, I've been out of college for this long and I still haven't found the career or job that I'm destined to be in. And I've always compared myself to others.
- [12:50]
B
Yeah.
- [12:51]
A
With that, I've really. That is really one of my biggest struggle.
- [12:55]
B
I also think that there's a comparison of, like, having to, like, have your life figured out. So, like, when you're not married, everybody wants to be married. And when you're married people. I know married people who are like, I wish I was single again. And it's like. And I think so it's like the comparison of the. Like what. Like what you don't have and how happy everybody is. And it's like you can also choose to be happy where you're at. And I do believe that. So it's like, if you're unhappy, change it blue.
- [13:25]
A
And you need to.
- [13:25]
B
That's the career thing. If you're unhappy, change it.
- [13:28]
A
Bloom where you're planted.
- [13:29]
B
Yeah.
- [13:30]
A
I know a lot of People and I struggle with this sometimes too, is not loving the place I live, not necessarily my house, but it's like, oh, it would have been so cool if I, like we had packed up after college and moved to Charleston.
- [13:41]
B
No, it wouldn't. Or oh my gosh, as somebody who moved around so, so much and like, my family never had roots. Like something like, so here's it is. Here we are. I always tell Caleb, like, sometimes I'm jealous of the people who are born and raised here and they got roots, like they have family and aunts and uncles, because it's just Caleb and I until recently. But. And I don't know, except for maybe level Wyoming, which is the population 1300 people, it's teeny that we would do that. And so it's like, you're like, oh, we should move.
- [14:20]
A
It's like, well, I, I, I do compare. Like, what if I had gotten, what if I, you know, I'm on. One of my dreams was before I went to college in North Carolina. I was going to pack up and I was going to go to college in la. I went to a photography camp for three weeks before my senior year in la and I was like, this is it. I'm going to come out here and I'm going to move to la.
- [14:43]
B
Why la?
- [14:44]
A
I love big cities, okay? I love big cities. I love New York, I love Savannah, Georgia. I went to New Orleans recently. Love it. I love cities. I love them. I thrive in them. I love being able to walk places.
- [14:57]
B
I love like bike everywhere.
- [14:59]
A
I just, I love the hustle and bustle of a city. I feel like when I'm in a city, possibilities are endless. And again, I'm a big dreamer. So I was like, la. Like, I loved it out there. I loved it. Obviously, out of state tuition was not a possibility. So, you know, you go to in state college and it's cheaper. And you know, I always compare. I used to, I mean, and I still do. What if I had done that? You know, compared to like, oh, I'm so jealous of the people that took the risk and moved out of there.
- [15:33]
B
But are you happy in the life you're, you have now?
- [15:35]
A
Oh, yeah. But I think that's also because I have learned that romanticizing your life is very important for all areas of your life. Gratitude, call it what you want. Romanticizing gratitude. I know I live a life that some people wish they had. And I am thankful every night when I go to bed. My first thankful is like, thank you, God, for giving me a beautiful marriage. You Know, I always wanted that growing up because my parents had a toxic marriage. I promised myself when I got married that it was going to be the biggest decision I made in my life and I was going to choose wisely on who my partner was, and I was going to have the opposite of their marriage. And I'm so thankful for that, that I'm in a marriage that. And so, you know, I know some people compare, like, God, I wish I had their marriage. I'm glad I never have to compare in that I wouldn't want any other marriage but my own. And so, yeah, like you said, gratitude.
- [16:43]
B
Well, and I think that that's where. So you can be completely content with your life. And then you get on social media and it's really hard not to compare. And it's like, really hard not to be like, oh, I wish that I had this or that or I had this attribute that this person has. I am not a funny. I am a funny person, but, like, I'm a more serious person and I had to really learn to be okay with that and that. Like, I bring to the table more of a serious tone. And I will joke with you and I will tease you, but I am a more logical, serious person and being okay with that. Because our world praises class clowns, I think comedians and disagree so fully. Really?
- [17:32]
A
Yes. Because I am a class clown.
- [17:35]
B
Okay.
- [17:35]
A
And I am the comedian.
- [17:36]
B
Okay.
- [17:37]
A
And I'm goofy. And I don't mind people laughing at me and I don't mind. I love making people laugh. But the opposite of that is no one takes me serious.
- [17:46]
B
You think so?
- [17:47]
A
Nobody? Yes, absolutely.
- [17:50]
B
I think nobody takes you seriously, no matter what. I think it might be our age.
- [17:53]
A
I. I am the dumb blonde to people. And, you know, I am. I'm just. I don't get embarrassed very easily and I don't really care.
- [18:05]
B
Yeah.
- [18:06]
A
What people think.
- [18:07]
B
I just don't have the gift.
- [18:08]
A
And I'm goofy and I'm not afraid to be goofy and I'm not afraid to be dorky and stuff like that. My humor really is just, like, goofy and. But that with that comes. I always feel like people don't take me seriously, like, oh, she's joking. Or, you know, like, she's just. I. So I think. I think there's a comparison game. I wish I was more of a serious tone person so people would take me more seriously. I think you always want what you don't have.
- [18:38]
B
It's a comparison. So it's like being grateful for what you do have. That's where I think social media has made it so hard to be fulfilled in your life because you're being told of what you're missing out on and it is completely hyped up due to social media.
- [18:52]
A
Always.
- [18:53]
B
I though, okay, the Wall Street Journal, I don't have the cited source, but somebody's going to fact check me on me. But somebody said like, people who share their social media, like share multiple pictures of their relationship are like 60 to 70% less likely to be happy and fulfilled in their relationship than people. The couples that always share people who don't. And I read that and I shared it with Caleb and he was like, that's crazy because people like always question, where's Caleb? On my social media? And I'm like, we just are busy.
- [19:25]
A
I can't remember last time I posted a picture of Dylan.
- [19:27]
B
When I'm with them, I want to hang out with them and I forget to take a picture.
- [19:31]
A
My husband doesn't like taking pictures. Oh, you know that too. I mean, and also at the same time, my, my husband isn't even on Instagram. But I know it's funny because any post with like a, a couple that says we've had a lot of ups and downs, I'm like, immediately, that is no relationship I want to be in. Yeah, like a couple that is willing to spill it all in a paragraph post. Sorry, exiting out of the app.
- [19:56]
B
Really?
- [19:57]
A
I, I think the more couples share on Instagram, the harder it is. I think, I don't think they're, I think the people that are like, oh.
- [20:04]
B
My God, the minute you let the world into your relationship.
- [20:07]
A
My husband is just so. He. This is why he's the best. Or you know what I mean.
- [20:13]
B
I do love a sappy post appreciation post.
- [20:15]
A
See, I'm, I. When it comes to post about Dylan and I, my husband, I'm a woman of few words. Like, I love a quick like happy anniversary post to the love of my life.
- [20:27]
B
I appreciate seeing the happy post. But like the people who are so. I, I don't actually pay attention. I don't really care. But I saw that and I was like, that's interesting because so many people I know have really rough relationships and post all the time and will they post how great their relationship is and they have all these pictures, but I know that they have rough relationships.
- [20:47]
A
Yeah. Because it's like if you're have. If you have a rough relationship and your husband does something nice and you feel like you have to document that because he doesn't do it very often to Me.
- [21:01]
B
Interesting.
- [21:01]
A
I think that's why they do it.
- [21:03]
B
Yeah.
- [21:03]
A
Because if I documented every little thing Dylan did to me, you would see 24. I mean, you know, you would see so many hours of my life. Like, Dylan makes me coffee every morning. I don't think you have to document that.
- [21:15]
B
Yeah.
- [21:16]
A
I don't think you have to put that in a long Facebook toast to the man that makes my coffee every morning. Like, it's just your eye roll at that.
- [21:25]
B
That's your. Your pet peeve.
- [21:26]
A
It's like, no. Yeah. Well, as soon as I read a post that says, we've been through ups and downs, I know the most I.
- [21:32]
B
See the heart, the harshest I see is the mother. The mom aspect. Like, the mom shaming. Like, you were talking about that 17 diaper thing and how much shame I didn't track it. How much shame she got. And you asked me about that, and I was like, wow, that's crazy. And I'm starting to see it now. But I do believe, like, parenting, family planning, and, like, infertility and motherhood, there is a lot of comparison game nastiness in that world.
- [22:08]
A
Do you compare yourself as a mom a lot?
- [22:11]
B
I used to. I used to. And then, honestly, Evie changed me a lot because Evie was so different than what? First off, who goes. How many people do you know go to the doctor and they're like, they're missing limbs. Everything else looks okay, but they're missing limbs. Like, that is not something you see on social media. And it was like, what. I remember looking up what she had, and, like, I could find three pictures, and it was just, like, random pictures. They looked AI generated. But so it's like, I think that, like, how do you parent. That really changed who I was. I used to. I used to care a lot. And the more and more I parented.
- [22:58]
A
Because it's outside the norm.
- [22:59]
B
It's outside the norm. And then Axel had apraxia and had to parent that. And it's like, when your kid has a disability. Yeah.
- [23:10]
A
It. It's not very talked about.
- [23:12]
B
Yeah.
- [23:12]
A
It does make you feel like you're comparing or, like, am I doing the right steps? Am I doing the right thing?
- [23:18]
B
Yeah.
- [23:19]
A
Am I. Am I helping them?
- [23:21]
B
Well. And then I slowly realize nobody has their crap. Figure it out. And, like, people I thought did would try and give me advice, and I'd.
- [23:29]
A
Be like, you don't know it until you walk in it.
- [23:32]
B
Yeah. Yeah. And so I think that that that changed me a lot. And that was also the time that I started reading Parenting books, and they taught, like, I mean, they're professionals, like, know it all. Dr. Day Siegel is one that I love, and he was, like, talking about how he messes up as a parent. And I think that that was a good reality check. And I think everybody needs that. Like, no matter what, nobody has it.
- [23:59]
A
Figured out, and you're gonna mess up.
- [24:00]
B
Yeah.
- [24:01]
A
Well, I like the quote. I saw a quote the other day that was like, when people say, well, try to walk in that person's shoes. Even if you try to put yourself in their shoes, the shoes are still gonna fit differently.
- [24:14]
B
Yeah.
- [24:14]
A
You never really know what people are walking in.
- [24:19]
B
But it's crazy because I see other moms post stuff. First off, I also was had a very microscope, like, larger than most people have when I first became a mom. So I learned quickly what to share and not to share and quicker. What I'm like, hey, I don't need you comment or how much I didn't care. But I see other moms share and they'll get eaten and they talk about it, and they're like, it's so hard. And I'm like, man, like, first off, your life. And I think that that is what is hard, is how shameful the Internet is to moms. It's like, they're doing the best they can, dude.
- [24:59]
A
Well, you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't. Because if you don't share your children, people are like, why aren't you sharing your children? And then you share them. You're picked apart.
- [25:07]
B
Yeah.
- [25:08]
A
And for me, it's always so crazy because it's by other moms.
- [25:13]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [25:14]
A
You know what I mean? Like, you don't see a lot of men coming in comments and picking apart.
- [25:18]
B
I have also noticed it's a older generation thing.
- [25:24]
A
It's like the older generation finally got a voice.
- [25:27]
B
Yeah. Like Gen Xers and boomers and they.
- [25:30]
A
Want to use it all the time.
- [25:31]
B
Yeah. I'm a millennial, and it's like, we.
- [25:34]
A
Need to filter some.
- [25:35]
B
Yeah.
- [25:36]
A
Let's go back to the golden rule. Like, if you don't have anything nice to say.
- [25:39]
B
Yeah.
- [25:40]
A
Don't say it.
- [25:41]
B
But I think that's what they. That also feeds the comparison game. Because I'll. Oh, someone will tell me, oh, I saw this post. Go read the comments. And the comment section is almost more entertaining sometimes.
- [25:52]
A
Always is.
- [25:53]
B
Than the post always is. And I think that that also doesn't help the shame game and the comparison game, because you're like, you'll see A comment, and you're like, man, that was really rude. And there could be a hundred comments that were nice on that or funny or, like, clever, but you're going to remember that one comment, and it's going to stick in your brain. It's going to change the way that you act.
- [26:11]
A
And I think we also need to say, and I'm going to look in the camera. Just because somebody is older does not mean they're wiser.
- [26:18]
B
Credentials don't mean anything either. Sorry.
- [26:20]
A
Just because you are older than me and you have more life experiences does not mean you're wiser. You know best or you know how to give me advice in my life.
- [26:31]
B
Well. And I've had a lot of people be like, from a nurse here, and then they'll give me advice, and I'm like, I would never have given that advice. So I don't. I also. Credentials don't mean very much. Neither does age. Life experience might. My life experience might.
- [26:47]
A
Well, and I just think I've never gone out of my way to write a negative comment on a post.
- [26:54]
B
Yeah.
- [26:55]
A
And I. We talked about this the other day, that millennials have kind of seen how hard this generation of social media has been on negative comments. So millennials are more like, not to write a negative post because we see it and we like, that's not okay.
- [27:14]
B
Yeah. It's all the meanest. The meanest comments I have ever gotten are always Gen Xers. Almost always. Well, so it's interesting, too, because a lot of people want to pass judgment on experiences that they have never been through or compare to experiences that they have never been through. And that's where I'm like, maybe maybe.
- [27:36]
A
The Gen Xers are doing the comparison game.
- [27:39]
B
Maybe.
- [27:39]
A
Maybe they're looking at their youth through a different lens and saying, I would have done differently.
- [27:46]
B
Older, you know, wisdom.
- [27:48]
A
Yeah. So.
- [27:49]
B
So would it be past as wisdom.
- [27:51]
A
Yeah.
- [27:52]
B
So do you think there's any point where there is healthy comparison?
- [27:57]
A
I do.
- [27:59]
B
That could be the sibling camaraderie.
- [28:01]
A
Yeah.
- [28:02]
B
Maybe.
- [28:02]
A
I always like to surround myself with, like, people that I can learn from. Right.
- [28:07]
B
Yeah.
- [28:08]
A
And I love when I have friends or people in situations where I look at something and I'm like, wow, they did that.
- [28:16]
B
They challenge your thought process.
- [28:17]
A
Yeah. Or they handle that well. Or, you know, even, like, my boss or something that I respect and I'm. I want to learn and grow from that. I'm like, wow, you know, how did somebody get to this point in life? What did they do? And instead of saying, like, gosh, I wish they had that. You still can.
- [28:35]
B
Yeah.
- [28:35]
A
So compare it in that way. It's like you can still compare and look at somebody like, oh, how I.
- [28:41]
B
Want to learn from this.
- [28:42]
A
I want to learn from them, not be jealous of them. Because there's room for everybody.
- [28:47]
B
Yeah.
- [28:48]
A
And I think we forget that it.
- [28:50]
B
Is part of our primal brain to a have scarcity and also compare because in like tribal days, I'm saying this wrong, Neanderthal days, we would have to be with tribes and so we wanted to fit in. So we would compare, we would conform. It was normal to do that. Otherwise you become an outcast, you starve. Because we need human beings. And I would think that we still need human beings to live healthy lives.
- [29:28]
A
Oh, yeah. Well, I think social interaction is so important.
- [29:32]
B
Yes. And that is we could mental health.
- [29:35]
A
We could really deep dive that. Because I know for me, I have learned a lot that when I sit at home and I'm not out being social, not even like doing stuff, but like going out to a work, even like working, if I work from home too much, I'm like, I gotta get out and go.
- [29:56]
B
Yeah. Talk to people.
- [29:58]
A
Like it's important for my mental.
- [29:59]
B
Yeah.
- [30:00]
A
So that is. Is something. But I do think there's room for everybody.
- [30:04]
B
Yeah.
- [30:04]
A
And you know, I know we hear that a lot on social media. There's room for everyone in this space.
- [30:11]
B
Yeah.
- [30:11]
A
And.
- [30:12]
B
But scarcity is a thing that I feel like first off is really hard to overcome. A B. When you grow up poor, it's really hard to overcome. Yeah. See, it's primal, but it's something that you really have to learn. It's like gratitude. You really have to be like, there's not. But. And now an ego. I feel like ego gets a lot involved. But I agree with you. There is room for everybody in this space.
- [30:41]
A
I think that brings a good point though. When you grow up poor or you grow up with not a lot of money, not even like poor, but like not being able to do things that other families got to do, like go to Disney for a week or you know, get. Get to do unlimited shopping before school started back. That. That also starts our comparison game. Young. Because I remember I was always so jealous and where I was raised, everyone was a stay at home mom. Everybody had a stay at home mom. And my mom worked full time and she worked night shifts in the er and I always used to be like, why can't you just be a stay at home mom? Because she wouldn't be able to come to all my school Events and she wasn't able to, you know, you know, do a. Like I not be in the pickup line all the time. And all of my friends had like stay at home mom.
- [31:46]
B
Really?
- [31:46]
A
Yeah. So many of them when I was young, that's.
- [31:49]
B
I feel like uncommon.
- [31:51]
A
And it. Well, I think it was very like Southern traditional.
- [31:55]
B
Yeah.
- [31:57]
A
And I remember it just always being so jealous of that. And now hindsight, always looking. I'm really glad that I grew up with a mom that had a really strong worth ethic. Not that stay at home moms don't. But again, comparison is a thing.
- [32:13]
B
I think first off, stay at home moms, I think it's great I'm a stay at home mom, but I think that there needs to be identity outside of that. And I feel like. Because otherwise you get so wrapped up into it and so. And I remember telling my mom, I'm drowning in motherhood, like, and I had to find identity outside of being. My whole personality is being a mom right now. But I have other passion projects that don't pertain to my kids. And a lot of the moms I know that are stay at home moms that are happy and fulfilled, they have the ability to maybe sometimes step out of the house and have passion projects, whether it's a volunteer aspect or something.
- [32:54]
A
Do you think when you compared yourself to other moms, it's when you didn't have those certain passion projects or other identities outside of motherhood and that's why you were drowning?
- [33:05]
B
Yes. I think it was also a compilation of one to two kids is what the jump from one to two kids was the hardest for me. I've heard that it was. It about killed me. Evie had her limb differences and I had no family here. I felt very isolated. The pandemic had started and that was hard.
- [33:28]
A
Yeah.
- [33:29]
B
And then the dishevelment of my family.
- [33:32]
A
Yeah. Do you. I remember especially when I was a teenager and my parents were going through a divorce. I was always really comparison game. And I still am. I'm always.
- [33:47]
B
To other people's relationships. I get.
- [33:49]
A
No, I get really jealous of people that have parents that have good relationships. I compare a lot with that. I'm really. I really compare. Like I. I am jealous that people like, they get to go to one house on Christmas or, you know, they. They have parents that get along and are, you know, love each other and I've kind of gotten grown out of that. But I did struggle with that for a really long time of wishing that history would rewrite itself and because when I Do see people's parents. And I'm like, you guys just, you know, my friends that have parents that are in a happy, healthy relationship and they, they have these big holidays and they've never had to split time. I do get. I do compare and I get jealous and it's out of my control.
- [34:44]
B
Yeah.
- [34:45]
A
No comparison. No jealousy is ever going to change the fact that my parents aren't together. And so that's how I've coped. And I realized that instead of. And I think this has helped me being married, but because I realize I can't change what they did, but I can give it to myself with my own marriage and give it to my own kids.
- [35:06]
B
That's why I, like, I always get excited for. And that's what I try to focus on is. Well, my kids also don't really have a grandpa. They have Caleb's dad, but he's in Wyoming and we see him like once a year. He does make an effort. But I'm sad that my kids don't have that grandpa experience of like, hunting and fishing with their grandpa and stuff like that. But I also. I don't know that I have ever, like, you had something to mirror off of. Until I was 12, 13, everybody in the community that I was exposed to had relationships that were similar to my parents. So I don't think I knew. Yeah, I didn't think about it.
- [35:56]
A
Yeah. Do you. Do you worry that your kids will grow up and be jealous they don't have relationships with certain family members in your family?
- [36:05]
B
I don't know. I don't know. We have a neighbor who's kind of almost stepped in as a grandparent. He like, loves and adores the kids. They go to our events, like Evie's dance stuff, Axles recitals, stuff like that. And he always brings them Yoohoos. So I kind of think that that would be as close as they could think of. I don't know.
- [36:30]
A
Because I will say my grandparents, my juju and granddad are everything to me. And that is one thing I've never had to compare.
- [36:42]
B
Yeah.
- [36:42]
A
Is people that have relationships with their grandparents. Because I think I have one of the best. See, so I didn't maybe get the relationship like that. My parents didn't. But my grandparents really were such a vocal part of my childhood and still are. I talk to my juju every day. Like, we text.
- [37:03]
B
So you text to her every day?
- [37:05]
A
Yes. Oh, yeah. My juju is my homegirl and my best friend and just she's played such a big part in My life. But yeah, so it's finding stuff like that, like, and my grandparents are still alive, but also a lot of people don't have that at my age.
- [37:25]
B
Yeah.
- [37:26]
A
So it's looking in the gratitude of that.
- [37:30]
B
Yeah. I also think that Caleb's mom passing away affected that dynamic early on.
- [37:37]
A
Really?
- [37:38]
B
Yeah. Like it was just something that we kind of just walked in anticipation about.
- [37:43]
A
Yeah.
- [37:43]
B
But I don't know.
- [37:46]
A
Yeah, I, I think everybody compares though.
- [37:50]
B
I, I think it's a natural thing. I think when you let it consume you and then it, you let it make you feel like you're inadequate is when it becomes a problem. And realizing something that really humbled me was like when we renovated our house. We're still working on it, but how long it took because you see it happen on social media and you're like.
- [38:13]
A
That takes money though.
- [38:15]
B
Well, they also compile what took them months down to a 30 second video. And you're like, why is this taking so long? Even like Garrison, he was. We bought a table and we just refurbished it and he was like, yeah, you guys finished it so fast. And I was like, it took us three weeks to do this, dude. Because we were working. Caleb was working insane hours at that point and the kids had crazy schedules. Like it took us three weeks to finish it. Like.
- [38:44]
A
Yeah.
- [38:45]
B
And I think that that reminder that it doesn't just.
- [38:48]
A
Well, and also a reminder is like for me, it's like if it wasn't on social media, what I really want it. Like even if I had all this money, let's say I was well off enough to buy a daggone $2,000 dresser for my little girl's room because I was watching an influencer the other day do a tour of her four year old daughter's.
- [39:10]
B
She had a $2,000 dresser?
- [39:12]
A
Yes.
- [39:12]
B
Wow.
- [39:13]
A
She was like, it was expensive, but I can use this piece for years and years to come. That's true.
- [39:18]
B
I mean different par. Like different priorities and par.
- [39:22]
A
But me, who I am, even if I did all have that money, I probably wouldn't be buying a $2,000 dresser anyway.
- [39:30]
B
I am not somebody.
- [39:32]
A
Yeah, I'm a cheap ass.
- [39:34]
B
Well, I'm.
- [39:36]
A
I love to thrift.
- [39:37]
B
Practical.
- [39:37]
A
I love to thrift.
- [39:39]
B
Yeah.
- [39:39]
A
I. Most of the things you ever will see me wear, I thrifted.
- [39:43]
B
Wait till you have kids.
- [39:45]
A
And for me, I think I rather spend $2,000 saving a trip.
- [39:55]
B
Different priorities. So like you, you like to plan.
- [39:57]
A
And again, if I had all that money, maybe I would be able to do both. But why am I going to be jealous or compare my life? Oh, I don't have the. That's a beautiful dresser. And I. I wish I had that money to be able to buy her. That little girl's room cost probably more than almost to my furniture in my house. But it's, like, happy for her. Like, would never mom shame or hate on whatever to spend their kind of money. That's their money.
- [40:25]
B
I will say I am like, I spend a lot more money on my kids, but usually what I spend money on for my kids is, like, stuff that keeps them off of technology. So, like, we buy so many freaking bikes and a playset and, like, books and little things to do other than technology. Technology. Which is probably a fault, but. No, I don't think it's a fault, but I'll spend a lot of money on it.
- [40:55]
A
But again, it's not me to judge somebody else's finances, but it's also not healthy for me to compare.
- [41:02]
B
So it's like social media. It. If I wasn't being told that I needed it, is it something I would actually need?
- [41:07]
A
Yeah. Or is it something I'm seeing because it looks so beautiful? Because it's decorated. Right. And it's the tumbler.
- [41:13]
B
Do you remember Tumblr?
- [41:15]
A
Yes. I was a Tumblr queenie.
- [41:17]
B
I remember, like, you wanted to, like. I don't know, maybe it was just my Tumblr, but it's like you wanted all those pink, sparkly things because of Tumblr.
- [41:26]
A
Yeah. What was your Tumblr name?
- [41:28]
B
I don't even remember.
- [41:29]
A
I remember mine. It was Mark on your heart.
- [41:32]
B
Oh.
- [41:34]
A
Oh, my God. I miss Tumblr sometimes. I redownload it just to.
- [41:38]
B
Is it still around? Yeah, I haven't even looked.
- [41:40]
A
And listen, that's where you get all the good quotes.
- [41:43]
B
Oh, really?
- [41:44]
A
Yeah.
- [41:44]
B
I don't have. Dude, I'm Pinterest. That's what p. Wow.
- [41:48]
A
I was. I was never a Pinterest girly, as you know. I was a Tumblr girly, but that's so funny. Well, yeah, because even before Instagram, you had the Tumblr style.
- [41:57]
B
Yeah.
- [41:58]
A
You know.
- [41:59]
B
Yeah.
- [41:59]
A
The aesthetic. You know, comparing your aesthetic to somebody.
- [42:03]
B
Else when anesthetics, I feel like, are kind of starting to die out.
- [42:07]
A
Yeah.
- [42:08]
B
Because I feel like it was a really big thing, and now it's like people just want. They crave realness, authenticity.
- [42:15]
A
Well, I realize that some, like my. I mean, you've been in my house and stuff like that. I don't really have a very particular Aesthetic. I like minimal stuff in my home.
- [42:28]
B
Do you? Okay, so somebody said, like, how all the millennials are minimal and is it because of the Gen X and Gen and boomers were such. My mom lives with me right now and that is something that is a struggle for us because she loves all the gadgets on the counter. And I'm like, oh, my God.
- [42:46]
A
I remember when I. My childhood, like, our counter was never clean. Like, you could never eat at the counter because it was filled with junk. Like, it was like any. That was the catch all. You know, it would walk into the side door of the counter and you would have your phones and your jackets and schoolwork and stuff. The counter was never cleaned off. And now I'm always like, clean the counter. I want my counter cleared off at the end of the day.
- [43:14]
B
Yeah. Less is more. Like. Yeah.
- [43:16]
A
I. Well, I'm always throwing away stuff.
- [43:19]
B
Yeah.
- [43:20]
A
And so it's a.
- [43:20]
B
It's a problem.
- [43:21]
A
But for me, I don't. I think life's too short to buy stuff if it's just aesthetically pleasing. Like, I'll go to a thrift store and I'll see a little knickknack and I'll buy it. I'm like, maybe this doesn't go my aesthetic, but like, it'll make me happy putting this little trinket at my house.
- [43:38]
B
So it's really hard to have an aesthetic when you have kids. Toys too.
- [43:43]
A
Yeah. Well, I mean, my house isn't like a Instagram worthy house. But also I don't have thousands and thousands of dollars to spend on dressers and paint colors and stuff.
- [43:58]
B
I like a good, like, I love redoing it. Like that's a hobby. Like a diy. I'm a DIY person. So I'll go to like a thrift store and find a piece of furniture and bring it home and like strip it and repaint it. But that's. I would never.
- [44:16]
A
I love thrifting.
- [44:17]
B
Me too. My mom always. But like, I have kids that are at the age where they're really hard on furniture. So I don't know how I would ever. Sorry.
- [44:27]
A
I was about to sneeze. We're having struggles over here.
- [44:29]
B
Joanna Gaines had a quote in her book and she was like, I realized how stupid it was to have a white couch cover with like four kids.
- [44:41]
A
I know, like, most of the time you see like these big influencers and like, this is the sitting room and I'm like, in. Their house is always clean. It's always done. You always have to Think of perspective, too. It's like, do they have maids?
- [44:54]
B
You know, do they clean right before they film?
- [44:57]
A
Film? Like, there's always a different perspective on the comparison game. And it's like, you know, for that, like, you look at people, too, and it's like, oh, my God, she always looks so beautiful. Well, does she always have makeup on when she's filming? Like, right now, you know, like, everyone.
- [45:14]
B
Was like, your picture looks so good. I'm like, that's because I never wear makeup.
- [45:18]
A
Yeah, well, and it's like, also, it's like when you take a picture and you make sure your face is smooth. And the filters.
- [45:26]
B
That was filters. After my brother died, I stopped doing filters because I. He used to talk about so much about. He compared himself to social media, and he always. And this is something all my siblings have talked about, and my mom. He always felt like he was behind in life. So that was the comparison game with, like, where you are in your life, your career. He always felt like he was lacking. And he would talk about this, and it was like, Instagram. Social media is a highlight reel. You have to remember that. And if you looked at Instagram, you would think his life was perfect and he had his struggles. And so it's always. I think it's so, so, so important to remember, like, what you're looking at is not the reality of the situation and the comparison between that person. Like, you can't. Like that saying. You can't Compare your chapter one to somebody else's chapter 10, because it's very different.
- [46:23]
A
What's the timeline? You know what I mean? If everybody's on a different timeline, then what timeline are you comparing to?
- [46:30]
B
And what for them is for them, and what's for you is for you, and nobody can take that from you.
- [46:37]
A
And I feel like that happens a lot. I have so many girlfriends that if they're not married, it's like, gosh, I'm. All my friends are married and I'm not married. And it's like, well, would you rather be single and happy or me in a bad marriage just because it was the timeline or, like, kids? You know, people put me on a timeline to have kids, and it's like, I'm not on any timeline on my. I'm on my own timeline. And people compare. Well, she had kids and she's on her second child, and I can't get pregnant. And it's. It's the comparison of this timeline that we put ourselves on. But really, what is the timeline?
- [47:14]
B
Yeah.
- [47:14]
A
Do you know?
- [47:15]
B
Yeah.
- [47:16]
A
You're never too old to do another career, go back to school, find the love of your life. And we do it all the time. Is this damn non existent timeline that.
- [47:30]
B
Also is created by the comparison game. And I think so. I think if you're on social media and you're starting to catch yourself in that it is important to get off for a minute and think about the things that you have in your life that you wouldn't change and like what you're really grateful for and stop the comparison game. Like, are you, you have this beautiful house that you have. So for me it's like, I have this beautiful house that is an Instagram influencer, but I have three kids who love it and the house is filled with a lot of joy. You're a homeowner and I'm a homeowner. But it's like, that's big. Yeah.
- [48:09]
A
At 28 years old, being a homeowner in this economy, that's a huge deal.
- [48:13]
B
I think the biggest thing about the comparison game is taking a step back and being grateful for what you do have. And if you don't have something that you're really working towards, maybe making a plan. I don't know. I feel like the biggest thing is gratitude for what you do have. That changes perspective. But we'd love to know what your tips and tricks are for how, like how you handle the comparison game. Because everybody deals with it, even if.
- [48:40]
A
You viewers, even if you don't.
- [48:42]
B
Yeah.
- [48:43]
A
You know, I think that, I think.
- [48:45]
B
Everybody deals with it.
- [48:46]
A
Yeah.
- [48:46]
B
Everybody has a comparison. Like, oh, I wish I would be like more like this or I wish I had this things. So how do you deal with that and how do you handle that and how do you adjust that?
- [48:54]
A
Yeah. And to make sure that like comparison isn't turning into jealousy.
- [48:58]
B
Yeah.
- [48:58]
A
You know.
- [48:58]
B
Yeah.
- [48:59]
A
Because in setting goals for your life, if you are jealous of something somebody has in their life, make a gold.
- [49:07]
B
The good comparison. It's a good comparison. Like, oh, I want to do that. How do I get there? Yeah. But thank you for joining us and we will see you on the next podcast.
- [49:19]
A
Bye.