EP4: The Recurring Fight

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Authentic Society – EP4: The Recurring Fight

Release Date: November 25, 2024

In Episode 4 of The Authentic Society, titled "The Recurring Fight", hosts Jamie (Speaker A) and Maddie (Speaker B) delve into the intricacies of conflicts within intimate relationships. Through candid conversations and personal anecdotes, they explore the common triggers of disputes, effective conflict resolution strategies, and the importance of fostering a healthy dynamic with one’s significant other.

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1. The Unique Nature of Fighting with Significant Others

Jamie and Maddie begin by emphasizing that conflicts with a significant other carry a unique weight compared to other relationships. They highlight the deep emotional impact due to the close bond and the substantial time spent together.

Jamie [00:35]: "If me and Dylan, me and my husband aren't on a good page, then the rest of my life isn't on a good page."

Maddie [00:53]: "If we're fighting, it's awkward everywhere."

Their discussion underscores that unresolved tensions with a partner can permeate various aspects of life, making effective resolution crucial.

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2. Common Causes of Fights in Relationships

The hosts identify several prevalent issues that often lead to disagreements among couples:

• Money Matters: Both Jamie and Maddie share personal experiences related to financial disagreements. Jamie points out her husband Dylan's frustration with her procrastination, while Maddie discusses conflicts arising from differing spending habits, such as impulse purchases versus frugality.

  Jamie [04:37]: "The thing that I get on him most about is his sarcasm... it can cause a fight because he doesn't know when to stop until I'm upset."

  Maddie [04:38]: "Our biggest fights are usually because Caleb, we're very frugal... and Caleb's impulse buys are like $400 of hunting stuff."

• Household Chores: Reflecting on their upbringing, both acknowledge that disagreements over cleanliness and household responsibilities are common.

  Jamie [27:14]: "My dad expected my mom to do more of the cleaning because of gender roles."

  Maddie [27:48]: "My parents thought about that a lot. My dad would come home and turn into a rage because there was dishes in the sink."

• Personal Habits and Behaviors: From temperature preferences to personal quirks, minor differences can escalate into significant conflicts.

  Jamie [07:50]: "We fought about the air for two days."

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3. Establishing Ground Rules for Healthy Conflict

To navigate disputes constructively, Jamie and Maddie discuss the importance of setting boundaries and rules during arguments:

• Avoiding Name-Calling: Both agree that refraining from insults prevents escalation.

  Jamie [15:45]: "I need to work on that. Dylan never calls me names."

• Excluding Divorce Talk: They emphasize that threatening divorce should never be part of an argument unless genuinely contemplating the end of the relationship.

  Jamie [17:35]: "Using the word divorce... it doesn't need to be in my vocabulary ever."

  Maddie [19:18]: "We don't call each other names. We don't use the divorce word either."

• Cooling Off Periods: Recognizing when to take a break helps in de-escalating tensions.

  Jamie [20:09]: "It's okay to take time and cool off and separate."

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4. The Power of Apologizing and Forgiveness

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to the role of apologies and forgiveness in maintaining a healthy marriage. Jamie shares her journey of overcoming the belief that apologizing signifies weakness.

Jamie [34:01]: "I used to think saying I'm sorry... I didn't see a lot of apologies going on in my house. Now, I understand it means I care enough about the other person."

Maddie echoes this sentiment, highlighting the importance of modeling apologies for their children.

Maddie [34:43]: "My kids say sorry all the time... they've seen it mirrored to them."

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5. Modeling Conflict Resolution in Front of Children

Both hosts discuss the impact of their conflict resolution strategies on their children. They believe in resolving disagreements calmly in front of their kids to teach them healthy relationship dynamics.

Maddie [30:01]: "We resolve it in front of the kids. Caleb and I don't let it get that far."

Jamie [35:28]: "Watching your husband be a healthy dad makes you love your husband so much more."

This approach contrasts with Maddie’s observation of her grandparents, who never fought in front of their children, leading to unresolved tensions.

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6. Personal Anecdotes and Lessons Learned

Throughout the episode, Jamie and Maddie share humorous and enlightening stories from their marriages:

• Humorous Arguments: From hiding objects to attributing misfortunes as karma, they illustrate how minor disputes can be lighthearted.

  Jamie [36:37]: "One time, he stubbed his toe right after. I was like, that's karma."

• Growth Through Marriage: Both acknowledge the transformation they've undergone, learning to let go of control and embrace compromise.

  Maddie [13:56]: "I was a lot more selfish, but Caleb is the bigger person."

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7. Final Tips for Healthy Conflict Resolution

In their closing thoughts, Jamie and Maddie offer practical advice for couples:

• Maintain Open Communication: Regularly discuss feelings and avoid bottling up emotions.

• Seek Professional Help When Needed: They advocate for therapy or counseling as tools for maintaining relationship health.

  Jamie [43:34]: "Strong couples go to therapy because it's always good to have a check-in."

• Physical Intimacy as Reconnection: After a dispute, spending intimate time together can help restore emotional bonds.

  Jamie [42:35]: "Sometimes having sex fixes that connection."

• Humor and Lightheartedness: Finding humor even in arguments can diffuse tension and foster closeness.

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Conclusion

Episode 4 of The Authentic Society offers a heartfelt exploration of the recurring fights that both couples face in their marriages. Through honest dialogue and shared experiences, Jamie and Maddie provide listeners with valuable insights into managing conflicts, the significance of apologies, and the continuous effort required to maintain a loving and understanding relationship. Their emphasis on communication, compromise, and forgiveness serves as a guide for couples striving to build authentic and resilient partnerships.

Transcript

[A]

Welcome back to the Authentic Society. I'm Jamie. I'm Maddie. And on today's episode, we are going to be talking about fighting with your.

[B]

Spouse and how we handle, like, conflict resolution.

[A]

Yes. So this can go really, for any close relationship in your life.

[B]

Other. Anything.

[A]

Yeah. You know, I feel like your.

[B]

Your significant other fights are a little bit different than any other fight, but.

[A]

True, true. They hit deep because that's the person closest to you.

[B]

It's the person you want to be, like, working with the most. Well.

[A]

And you don't wanna. You don't ever want to feel disconnected from somebody that's usually the closest person in your life. To me, I always feel like if me and Dylan, me and my husband aren't on a good page, then the rest of my life isn't on a good page.

[B]

Yeah. If we're fighting, it's awkward everywhere.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Plus, it's the person you spend probably the most amount of time with.

[A]

Yeah, for sure. So we're going to get into that today. Fighting with your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife.

[B]

Everyone.

[A]

Everyone.

[B]

Significant others.

[A]

Yeah, significant others.

[B]

So first off, we want to start with, like, our relationships are not perfect.

[A]

No. Because everyone thinks I like to brag about my life on here.

[B]

What?

[A]

Yeah, there was a comment. It's like Jamie likes to brag about her life and then complain about all the things she doesn't have.

[B]

Is it true?

[A]

You tell me. Is it true that I brag about my life? Yeah. Do you think I brag about my life? No, I don't think so.

[B]

No. Don't worry. I wouldn't worry about it.

[A]

No, I'm not. I'm not. But I thought it was funny.

[B]

But it's not, like, perfect and. No. No relationship is perfect.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right.

[A]

No. We argue like everybody else now. Yeah. I. I think me and Dylan bicker more than I like to admit and argue.

[B]

I think everybody does. When Isabel lived with me, she went and told Christine, like, how we fight, and Christine was like, yeah, you would. She said that Caleb would say something and you'd stop talking to him. And she's like. And you guys, like, would sit in the same room together because you wanted to be by each other, but. But you just, like, not talk to each other and you'd just be like, yeah. And I was like, yeah. Hopefully feel like we've grown a little bit since then.

[A]

Well, that's living together. It's like when you are in a marriage and you're living together with somebody, you fight with them and it's. It's like Well, I can't. I'm at home and neither of us have. We're going to leave, so we're going to sit here and be mad at.

[B]

Each other, but you're going to turn the TV volume off.

[A]

Yeah. And just ignore each other for a.

[B]

Couple hours and then we'll talk about it later.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. What is the biggest reason that you and Dylan fight?

[A]

Dumb stuff.

[B]

Really? Yeah.

[A]

None of our fights are ever that deep. I think the. For me, I think the re. The thing that I get on him most about is his sarcasm.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yes. Because sometimes, and this is so awkward because he's sitting in the room with us, but he. His sarcasm is so unwarranted sometimes. And sometimes I'm just not in the middle mood. And he likes to tease and pick. And sometimes I'm like, you don't know when to stop. And it will cause. It'll cause a fight and because it's like you don't know when to stop until I'm upset.

[B]

And what do you think he fights with you about the most?

[A]

My procrastination on things. He can't stand it. I am such a procrastinator. I don't feel like I'm living to my fullest unless I'm on a deadline.

[B]

The 3am fires is a real thing.

[A]

Yeah. Like, I mean, when it comes to my car, when it comes to, you know, I will drive home with five.

[B]

Miles to E. Okay. I feel like that might be a common thing.

[A]

What. What are you and Caleb fight about the most?

[B]

We fight about really stupid stuff too. Our biggest fights are usually because. So Caleb, we're very frugal. We save our money. And I'll spend money here or there at Starbucks. It's like, Starbucks is ridiculous. It's like nine bucks. But Caleb's impulse buys are like $400 of hunting stuff. And it doesn't happen all the time, but it's like, oh, my gosh. And we usually argue about that kind of stuff.

[A]

So money.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

That's a common thing for people.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Money is the way.

[B]

It's a big thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And we do our budgeting together and so sometimes, like, we'll kind of bicker about, like, why. Why would you spend like, hey, like, what. What did you buy here at Amazon for whatever? And I'm like, I don't even remember. I don't remember.

[A]

If you ever want to have a bad day, go through how much you've spent on Amazon in the last year. Really, it'll make you one time Me and my best friend from high school, because, you know, we don't see each other very often. So when we get on phone calls, we talk for a very long time. And one time we sat there and went through our Amazon purchases and how much we spent in the last year. And it is so humbling. And it's like, oh, no wonder I always say I don't have any money.

[B]

It's gone.

[A]

It's because I've spent $6,000 on Amazon purchases in the last year. That's how much it adds up. The $7 here, the $9 here, the $20 here, the prime membership, it adds up.

[B]

That's what we used to fight about the most. And then we actually did Dave Ramsey's program, the debt snowball. We got out of debt with that. And so now we're really like really conscious with our budget. And so someone told me the other day that they have a stupid line on their budget. And I was like, that's a really good idea. Like something that they just spent that was so stupid. And I'm like, maybe we should do that. But yeah, well, I feel like that would be like. But it's usually really dumb. Like it's not like a full blown out. I've never had like a screaming match with Caleb ever.

[A]

In your entire marriage?

[B]

We did once. Once.

[A]

What was that about?

[B]

When he was trying to get into the elevator union, a friend of his set him up because a friend of his knew a guy that like they were. A friend of his was also really good friends with one of the guys the managers on that was going to be interviewing. And this is not abnormal. This is done all the time in the union. And so this friend introduced Caleb to this manager. And the manager was so rude to Caleb. And I got. And. And I thought Caleb was being mean to this manager. And so we came home and I was like, what were you doing? And we fought like, because Caleb was trying to explain it to me and I wasn't listening. I wasn't being patient with him. And I was like, I don't care. Like, this is like our future. This is like your. Like this is like you just jeopardize this. And later on this friend of Caleb's told me that, yeah, the manager was an. And it was a hundred percent on him. And it ended up being a blessing because that was in Nevada. And we would have stayed there had Caleb done well with this guy. And we ended up getting a really good job and really good life out here. But I was so mad. Yeah, what about you.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. All our screaming matches are so stupid.

[B]

Really.

[A]

One time it was about the damn air. Oh, and what you set the air on. It's so dumb. And we literally fought and screamed at each other over 2 degrees of air. And it's because I like to freeze. And Dylan's like, our electric bill is 300. You need to learn that we don't need to have the house in 68 all the time. And I'm like, I work for a living. I work 40 hours a week. And if I want to turn my house down to 68 in the summertime.

[B]

For those of you who don't live here in the summertime, that is like, your pipes are gonna freeze.

[A]

I love it, though. And he was like, he was like, jamie, there's just no need. Like, and, and I get it, because I would turn it down to 68 and then I'd be on the couch with like a full on comforter, and that's my happy place. But I'm like, I grew up and got to, you know, got to where I am in life that if I want the damn air down, that that's what it's going to be. So we compromised. And that's usually always the hardest part of marriage, is compromising on something you don't want to compromise on. And, you know, I'm not allowed to crank it down that low anymore.

[B]

But clearly you're okay with that.

[A]

I'm clearly not. But it is compromise and we crank it. Our problem is, is we forget to crank it up when we get up in the morning. So that's where the most money comes. And so, you know, if you crank it down at night, you got to remember, like, let me bump it up.

[B]

Can't you schedule like, some.

[A]

We ain't that fancy.

[B]

I don't know. We don't. We aren't either. But like, I know that you can get like attachments to your AC unit, like a wall thing. They're like 35 bucks. I don't know. I've been told this. I've only ever never looked into it, but apparently you can get it and they'll schedule it.

[A]

We fought about the air for two days.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

No joke.

[B]

So how did that end up, like, resolving? You compromised?

[A]

Yeah, well, I, I said that we don't need to have it up on 74, 75. Like, I should be able to crank it down to at least 70, 71.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And so that was basically the compromise. But we always, when we scream and fight at each other, it's always over dumb stuff like that. That is so easily being able to compromise on. It's just I'm very stubborn and I don't like to give in a lot. And because I don't feel like I should have to. Dylan's laughing at me. But I have. I mean, marriage is one of the things that taught me that you do have to compromise and you compromise, compromise. And you, you don't always. And I say this all the time, you don't always have to be right. And I learned that really, it kind of slapped me in the face that I realized that if I'm always right, then he's always losing. And a good, healthy marriage to me, that nobody's right and nobody's wrong. And that when you compromise, you both win. And that if I always want him to be wrong, then I always want him to fail. And why do I want that? Because when Dylan wins, when your husband wins or your wife wins, then you win because you're on a team. And for me, it's like I've had to learn that I don't necessarily care to be right all the time. There's always things that I could have done better in an argument. There's always things that I could have done better in my marriage. And if I'm not taking and self reflecting on how to be a better wife or a better person to the person I love the most, then what's the point of all this? And so compromise has been a really challenging thing for me to learn because I used to be the mindset, I'm right, you're wrong. And really, when you love somebody, that's a terrible mindset to have.

[B]

I saw this reel the other day, and I'm some motivational guru, and he's like, compromise is garbage. Compromise is the other person winning. And I was like, wow, they must have such a healthy relationship, because that is absolute trash. Because your whole life, whether it's in a marriage but also in work relationships, in friendships, is probably about compromise.

[A]

What is something that you've had to learn to compromise on?

[B]

I can't think of anything off the top of my head. I'm a little bit dumb when I'm pregnant, but I will remember and I will tell you. Okay.

[A]

Do you think that Caleb is more willing to compromise in situations or you?

[B]

So for the first little bit of our marriage, I would venture. I would. I would not venture to say. I would. I would say that I was a lot more selfish than Caleb is. I like when we would get in arguments, I wouldn't apologize because I knew Caleb would come and apologize, because Caleb doesn't want to fight with me, and I don't want to fight with him either. But he is almost always the bigger person, and he is very quick to apologize, and he is quick to forgive. And so I had to really learn, like, that's not fair to him. And he said that to me one time. He's like, I feel like I'm always the one apologizing. And I was like, yeah, you are. Like, I don't even have a rebuttal for that. So that was something that I had to learn. And there's, like, stuff he'll say. He'll be like, well, I want to go hunting this weekend. And I used to like, oh, my gosh. You know? And now I'm just like, okay. Like, I used to try and control every situation.

[A]

Yeah. Are you, like, a retired control freak?

[B]

I'm a retired, recovering perfectionist.

[A]

You are. You are such a perfectionist.

[B]

It's like a. And I used to be a lot worse until I had kids. People that I know now in my life, they're like, you're a little bit of a perfectionist, aren't you? And I'm like, it used to be worse like that. And that was something that I really had to learn as well, but.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Caleb was very patient with me. Christmas is a big compromise in our house this year. We went more, like, clean, I guess, because we have a lot of people in our house. But traditionally, Caleb and I go all out. And Caleb really likes to go all out, but he likes, like, traditional, traditional, like, 1980s. So maybe not super traditional 1980s Christmases. He likes the colors and the colorful lights and the loud ornaments and the loud decorations, and I'm just like, but he loves it, and the kids love it. So that is a big but. I'm like, noise on my counter. Or like, mess on my counter, noise in my head. So that was in my head to a compromise.

[A]

That's a good one. Mess on my counter, noise in my head. Yeah, that describes me perfectly, because I love a clean counter.

[B]

I love a clean house. Dishes in my sink.

[A]

Well, I think when you have spent a lot of time in your kitchen, a clean counter is so important because it just sets the tone.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I don't know what I was gonna say.

[B]

Okay, so what are your rules for, like, when you're fighting? What are, like, hard no's that you don't do?

[A]

Well, I know you don't call each other names, but I Am so quick to say, you're being an ass right now, so that's something I need to work on. But hard nose.

[B]

Do you think it escalates the fight when you call each other.

[A]

I don't think that he doesn't call me names.

[B]

Wow, Dylan, he doesn't.

[A]

Look at him. He's so, he's so proud. He's like, it's her, guys. You're gonna see that it's all her in this marriage.

[B]

Do you, do you think that it escalates emotions when you call each other names or swear at each other? So that was one of the reasons that we decided not to. Because if we're already fighting and Caleb goes, you're being a bitch. Escalates emotions.

[A]

Yeah. Dylan's never called me a bitch. I think he knows better because that would, I would be like, oh, you think I'm a bitch now?

[B]

You're taking it from like a 5 fight to 10.

[A]

I'm about to show you what a bitch looks like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so I think he knows 0.

[B]

To 60 real quick.

[A]

But I will tell him all the time, like, you're being an ass right now. And I'm sure that he does not enjoy being called an ass. But, yeah, I definitely think it takes it to another level when you start cussing and swearing and calling each other names, because at that point, you're just wanting to hit low, and that's. At that point, you're just, let me show you how angry I am. Yeah, but, yeah, I, when you said that you don't. That's like a hard no for you guys is that you don't call each other names. I think that's a very good one. I need to work on that. Dylan has no. Dylan never calls me names, so it's very unfair. I'm sure I'm going to get so many comments. It's like, be nice.

[B]

Who cares? Who cares?

[A]

Be nice to your husband. I am.

[B]

What, what is, like, something that you guys don't do? Like, absolutely not.

[A]

Use the word divorce. Yeah, I, I, I would hope that would be a common.

[B]

I don't think it is. I mean, yes, yes, and no.

[A]

Yeah, I, that is not on the table for fights. I used to sometimes use it, and now it's. Dylan's like, that's not. Can't be the first thing that you threaten because it's, it's a threat, you know, substantially. And I don't think you should threaten your spouse. I think if you're going to leave, you need to leave. I don't think there needs to be threats and hoping somebody changes and stuff like that. And I think when you pull the divorce card, it's an easy card to pull. And it. You want, it's hurtful and you're like, you're using it to hurt that person. Dylan has never used the word divorce to me, and I have had to work on that. That, like, that doesn't need to be in my vocabulary ever. It never needs to be. And I've gotten a lot better at that. I can't remember. I mean, it. That was like our first year of marriage kind of stuff. I haven't used the D word in so long because none of those fights made me wanna, like, I would never really get a divorce, so why am I using that word?

[B]

Yeah, like, if you're really not at that. That level, and almost always you're not, you just throw it out.

[A]

Yeah. Well, I think it's like when people say, I'm, I'm done with you, or we need to break up or we need to get a divorce or we need to take time split. I do think that is people use that as a threat to scare the other person into acting the way they want or to hur them and that necessarily isn't healthy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What about you? What are your hard nos?

[B]

Just real quick, I thought on that. I also think that when people are actually done in a marriage, they're not screaming at each other and they're not like, throwing out the divorce. Like, when they're truly done in a marriage, it's usually very calm, unless there's, like, toxicity and there's a cycle of abuse going on. I feel like when people throw out the divorce word in a fight, it's usually in the heat of a screaming match or a very heated argument. It's like if you're in a heated argument, obviously you care enough to try and fix this because you're in a heated argument, you care. So I think that that is also where it can get really scary when you throw out divorce. Our biggest is we don't call each other names.

[A]

No, the divorce word too.

[B]

Like, that's. That's not an option for us, so.

[A]

Right. And I think also my biggest thing that I've had to learn in getting into fights is that it's okay to. It is okay to take time to cool off.

[B]

It's also okay to fight.

[A]

Yeah. It's okay to take time and cool off and separate. You don't have to fix it right then. And I always think better or I always we always come to a resolution. Dylan and I better. When we've had time to walk away from an argument, sit, chill, think about it. And the saying of, you know, never go to bed angry. We don't follow those rules.

[B]

No, I don't either.

[A]

Because a lot of the times when you're in a marriage, you fight at night because you work all day or you have kids all day and the kids go to bed or you're done. And then if you got in a fight about something, you fight right before bed, which is not necessarily great either. But instead of staying up all night to try to fix something that probably is not going to be fixable. Yeah, go to bed. You go to bed in the same bed together.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You go, good night. Love you. You're mad. And then in the morning, you're never that angry.

[B]

No.

[A]

You're usually over it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so when people are like, don't ever go to bed angry, that has never been the case for Dylan and I. And I've had to learn that. I'm like, I'm not sitting up till 2am trying to work out a fight. It's going to make me more angry because we're not going to compromise right now. And you go to bed, you wake up in the morning, you can think clearer, you talk a lot softer, and.

[B]

Usually that fight has diffused and you honestly don't care. There's that saying going around on Instagram, and it's like, if you hate yourself, go to bed if. Or shower if you take a shower, if you think the world hates you, go to bed if. And it goes through all these things, like, take a walk, take a shower, go to bed, and all these things. And I think about that all the time when people talk about, like, how they don't go to bed before, like, a fight is resolved. And I'm like, dude, I am, like, irrational past 9pm like, my bedtime is 9:30 and I am irrational. And if you're trying to pick a fight with me at like, 8:30, I'm like, I'm just gonna go to bed.

[A]

Yeah, well. And I've also had to learn with fighting is that I can't expect him to always say the thing I want him to say in my head to resolve the issue.

[B]

You can't read your mind.

[A]

Yeah, well, I. I think when you go into a fight, a lot of times people have expectations of, like, this is how he should apologize, or this is how she should say she's sorry. And this is, you know what I want her to say, and I need him to tell me how much he loves me and that blah, blah, blah, blah. And then the expectation of how that fight is gonna end and it doesn't. Makes it worse.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you keep fighting because you keep hoping that they're going to say the thing that you need them to say, and they never do, and it's never good enough. And sometimes you're just like, this isn't even worth fighting over.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you. Like you said, you got to tell them. They can't read your mind.

[B]

I always tell people for everything. This is like, one of my favorite sayings for the last four years, since 2020, is like, we don't live in a Hallmark movie, unfortunately. So, like, people aren't written to, like, have the happy, happy ending or the guy's gonna say the perfect thing because it was written by a woman or a caveman.

[A]

I know that's been hard for me. I'm such a book girly. I've always loved a good romance, and life's not a romance novel.

[B]

Was there stuff that you thought about that, like you saw your parents fighting and you were like, hey, this is probably not a good idea.

[A]

Oh, my go. So many things.

[B]

Really.

[A]

Yes. I saw my parents fight a lot about bills and money, which I think so many people do.

[B]

It's a really common.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It's a very common. Indicative of divorce, too.

[A]

Yes. Well, what. I think the three most common things people fight about are, like, how do you raise your kids? Money, finances, and then, like, politics and religion.

[B]

Oh, really? I think it was in a marriage. Well, I hope that in a marriage, people have similar ideologies. It's hard.

[A]

My parents didn't really.

[B]

It's hard for them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Obviously, in today's world, where it's so in everything. I don't know. I think some people can make it work.

[A]

Yeah. So money. Me and Dylan don't fight about money because, you know, we. And this might change when we have children, but right now we don't. So it's like, we both help out. We both have jobs. You know, he spends. He's. I trust him with money, and he trusts me with money. And so, you know, if I want to go and spend money on a hundred dollars dress, then I'm allowed to. And same. If he wants to go buy a new gun for hunting, he's allowed to. Is there obviously a threshold of money that we have to talk about before we spend it? Yes, I think there should be. In a marriage, like, I think you should have, like, a Cap of like we not gonna spend this much money without talking to our significant other and frivolously. Yeah, well, yeah. And. But we don't fight about money because I think I saw it so much growing up that. And maybe that's like kind of like on the kid thing is like, I know money. Kids take up a lot of money. And right now I really love that word spot that we don't have to sit there and argue about it.

[B]

So one of the things that like Caleb and I talk about with money is more so because we have bills and stuff like that. And also my retirement and his retirement and the kids investments and stuff like that. So it's like when we have a surplus, it's like, where do we want to allocate it? Because I am. I hate debt. And so that's. I think usually it's a disagreement of allocating.

[A]

What did your parents fight about growing up that you saw that you're like, I'm not going to do this a lot. Name one.

[B]

I think that my, My parents never. There was a lot of like, of cleaning the house. Cleaning the house was a big thing.

[A]

Oh my God. My parents thought about that too. That's a good one.

[B]

Yeah, my parents thought about that a lot. My dad would come home because he worked during the week and he was always just writing my mom about a clean house.

[A]

So was mine.

[B]

Yeah, so was mine.

[A]

My dad literally would come home and turn into a rage because like there was dishes in the sink and there was stuff everywhere. But also the same time, my mom's like, I work as many hours a week as you do. You are more than capable to clean this home. Yeah, like I am. And your mom worked full time.

[B]

My mom worked full time and she was in school a lot of my childhood. Yeah, she was in school for a while. She went to school when it was just before Gabe was born. So that's like six.

[A]

So we. That's a good one. Cleaning the house.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This is the thing with Dylan and I, we both clean.

[B]

Yes. And that was something. So my, we didn't. Caleb and I didn't fight about that because Caleb, we both lived by ourselves, but I also grew up cleaning and he grew up cleaning. His mother was very like, just because you have, you don't have money because they grew up very poor, doesn't mean you have to have a dirty house. So she would clean and make them clean and she taught them how to clean. So that's never been a problem for Caleb and I. It was something my parents Fought about a lot, though.

[A]

Neither of my parents cleaned, really. I grew up in a very messy house. And so now do you think they were just tired? I'm sure. I'm sure they retired. I'm sure my dad expected my mom to do more of the cleaning because of gender roles that we put on women. And, you know, for me, I've always looked at Dylan and said, we both work the same amount of hours in a week. And so we both have to pitch in because as you know, this is your home just as much as mine. And, you know, I deserve a clean home. You do deserve a clean home, but we have to do it together. I mean, it'd be different if I was just staying home.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I.

[B]

You were a kept wife.

[A]

If I was a kept wife and had no kids or stuff. But that's not the case. And so it's like we're both capable of doing laundry. We both do the dishes, we both vacuum. You know, there are some stuff that I do that he doesn't do. Like, I'm usually the one that scrubs the toilets, but he's usually one that takes the trash off. So to me, it's like it should be even.

[B]

I think I. And I think that, that I think we're seeing more of that in today's society. I know a lot of people that are like, oh, yeah, my husband cleaned the house too. And when you're a stay at home mom too, you're gonna clean that house and the kids are gonna make it a mess too. And if your husband is not understanding of that, you all need to have a conversation.

[A]

Yeah, That's a good one, though. I didn't even think about that. Brought back a lot of memories.

[B]

My parents didn't fight a ton. Like, they didn't resolve it. And like, my mom kind of just would just let my dad go.

[A]

Do you guys fight in front of your kids?

[B]

Yes. I think it's important.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Not like full blown screaming at each other, but we also resolve it in front of the kids. One thing my mom said is so her stepfather and my mom, my grandma never fought in front of them. And she said it was. She thought something was wrong with their marriage. And when they first got married, because she didn't know how to resolve it, she'd never seen it married or mirrored. So we argue in front of the kids, but we'll also resolve it in front of the kids. And I mean, like Caleb and I don't. It's not like we always argue a B. And when we Do. It's usually like silly stuff, stupid, silly stuff. And it's not even, like half the time I'm laughing because I'm like, no, it is this way. And he's like, no, it's not. No, it's, you know, those kind of arguments. But if, like, it's a serious argument, I'll usually just say, like, so the other day, Caleb's trying to quit tobacco. And if you've ever had a husband try and quit tobacco, usually they're very moody. And so I had to tell him the other day. I'm like, I don't know what your deal is. Like, I don't know why you're so emotional and moody and, like, almost mean, but we gotta figure it out. And he was like, I'm trying to quit tobacco. And I was like, okay, that's good to know now, but you can't like, start yelling over nothing. And my kids were there watching this. And then he was like, I'm sorry. Like, okay. And I was like, no, I'm sorry that I had to say something like, but you can't continue doing this. And he was like, okay. And he looked at the kids and he's like, I'm sorry. I'm being short tempered. And I think that is so important for kids to see.

[A]

Kids deserve apologies too.

[B]

That was like something that was so revolutionary in my thought process when I was raising kids was like, apologizing to your kids. When I read this book, I'm not even gonna tell you the book, it made me so mad. But there was two things that I took out of the book. He said, you need to apologize to your kids when you've sinned against them. It was a book on why you should spank your children. Because we told a friend of ours that we didn't spank our children. And she's like, will you read this book with me? And I was like, sure. And I was like. The whole time, I was like, oh. But anyway, he was teaching you that you should. He was explaining why it's biblical. Have you ever heard like, spare the rod, save the child? No, spare the, save the rod or spare the rod.

[A]

I didn't grow up biblically.

[B]

Like, I know, I didn't either. But like, we moved into the Bible belt and everybody we know is like, baptist. We're not Baptists. So it was like. So she was explaining. Anyway, I read the book. It made me infuriated. But there were two things that I took away that were actually very good, I think. And one of them was, you should always apologize to your child when you have done wrong to them. And I was like, that is so good.

[A]

Why do you think that's so hard for parents to do?

[B]

I think that.

[A]

Or adult.

[B]

So I was reading a comment actually on one of the videos, and it was like, boomers raise Gen Xers. And boomers were really harsh. And I don't know every boomer, but I know a lot of boomers. It was hard for them. A lot of them were raised by parents who had shell shock or PTSD or whatever.

[A]

Poor, poor, very poor.

[B]

And then she said, so a lot of Gen Xers were angry, and they were also trying to figure out who they were. And it was kind of like, well, that's how I grew up. Nothing wrong with it. I also think that with the rampant rise of the Internet and social media, we know a lot more.

[A]

But I think it's important, even adults to apologize. I mean, I remember when I was a teacher that I would always apologize if I had, oops, my bad, sorry, guys. Or yeah, sorry. Like, it's important for people.

[B]

It mirrors a good thing for them. My kids say sorry all the time, like, oh, I'm sorry, Mom. And it's like, not even prompted, but they've seen it mirrored to them.

[A]

Yes. I used to think saying I'm sorry, especially in my relationship, was like venom and that it would kill me if I said I'm sorry and it shouldn't be that big of a deal. And I think it. Because it wasn't taught to me, like, I didn't see a lot of apologies going on in my house. And so when I grew up, it was like, I don't know how to say I'm sorry. That means I'm wrong, and I'm not wrong. My feelings are valid. And just because you say you're sorry doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid or you're not right. It just means that you care enough about the other person to say, I'm sorry. I value your feelings too. And I might have not done everything right. And it just. It never hurts to apologize.

[B]

Yeah. And I think we're. We're moving more into a world that is. I actually. I don't know. I think it's the same. I see a lot of people not.

[A]

Apologizing, like, yeah, but from somebody that had a really hard time learning and recognizing how to apologize to people that never should be. With my husband, I should never, like, feel like he gets a one up on me if I've apologized.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you know What? I mean, like, oh, my God. He's gonna.

[B]

It's gonna be a hard marriage if that is the case.

[A]

Yeah. And it's not that case. Like, usually nine times out of ten, when I say I'm sorry to Dylan, he's like, thank you. I really appreciate that apology. It meant a lot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that always feels good to know that, like, I resolved and said I'm sorry and apologize for my wrongdoings.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I do think it's interesting, though, fighting in front of your kids because somebody that had their parents fight in front of them all the time never resolved it. The opposite is Dylan's parents never fought in front of him. And so communication has been something also that we really had to learn because his parents were very old school and they never fought in front of each other, really. And so I think that can be good. But it also, like you said, it doesn't help the conflict.

[B]

Kids resolution mirrored conflict resolution. They need to see that relationships take work. And you're both willing to work on.

[A]

It, and you're both willing to say, I'm sorry.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just talk.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, I don't think you should be screaming and yelling in front of kids.

[B]

No, no, no, no.

[A]

Know.

[B]

And that's like. Like. But like I said, Caleb, we don't really. We never let it get that far.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And we're not. Also. Neither one of us are those kind of people.

[A]

So what's, like, the funniest thing you've done in an argument?

[B]

I don't know. What's the funniest thing you've done?

[A]

I'm trying to think.

[B]

He probably had a booger or something. And I was like, you've got a booger. Because if there's something on somebody's face, I can't not look at it.

[A]

I probably, like, hid something before.

[B]

Oh, like something, like, vengeful.

[A]

Yeah. Like, I probably, like, hidden something before. I feel like that's something I would do. So he would have to ask for help to look for it, really. And be like, I'm spiteful.

[B]

So it's interesting.

[A]

Or like, when we get in an argument and, like, it was one time, like, he stubbed his toe right after. I was like, that's karma.

[B]

I'm like, he's shaking his head at you.

[A]

I'm such a spiteful person.

[B]

That's funny. I don't. I don't think I've ever done. Usually if, like, we're fighting and I'm like. I used to just like, well, I'll just Do it myself. And, like, I would just. Well, I'll just do it myself, and I'll show him that I don't need him. Um, and then I was in therapy, and the therapist was like, that's actually mirrored from your mother, probably. And I was like, oh, my gosh. And she's like, that's not a healthy relationship. Do you want that kind of a relationship where you have to do everything by yourself? And I was like, no, no. And she was like, it's probably okay to.

[A]

I've done that, too, though, where I'm like, I can do it.

[B]

I can do it by myself. I don't need help. I need a man. I'll show him I don't need it. But it's like, that's. That's not helpful either. Especially when you, like, promise to spend your life with somebody and somebody you love who wants to help you.

[A]

Yeah. And, like, at the end of the day, as much as I'm like, I don't need a man necessarily. No. But I want.

[B]

I have. I always tell people I'm very independent, but I have become extremely codependent.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. I know, because this is such. Like, this is sick. And, like, I hate saying it because it's so corny, but you know how people are like, I'm not a daddy's girl. I'm a husband's girl. That is me through and through. I was never a daddy's girl. I am a husband girl.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm like, yesterday, I'm like, I really need my oil changed.

[B]

I agree with you. I'm like, a husband girl, too. And it's also been, like, healing to me to watch Caleb with our kids. And that makes you love your husband so much more.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. Watching your husband be a healthy dad makes you, like, wow, you just are like. And the, like, Caleb's ability to say I'm sorry, like, the other day where he was like, I'm sorry, kids, you know, that wasn't fair of me either. Caleb is quick to say sorry.

[A]

So when it comes to fighting and forgiving and moving on, how for. I think for marriages specifically, it's like, we're supposed to forgive and forget all the time. How do you. Do you struggle with, like, forgiving and moving on, or do you kind of, like, hold a grudge and sometimes your old fights come back into new fights?

[B]

It depends on, so behavior. So if it's something that is, like, when you're newlyweds, there's obviously going to be stuff that comes up a lot because you're figuring each other out. You've spent a lifetime without each other. So I think that there's that. But I also think for Caleb and I, we have moved past that. There was a lot of stuff that came up when we were newlyweds, repeatedly. But there's also stuff that's like. Like what we were talking about at the other day ticks, like, boundaries and ticks, like, there's some stuff that he does that used to bother me so much, and now I'm just like, it's just part of him. It's just who he is. Like, I don't care. Kayla's gonna quit chewing once a year, and he's gonna be honoring once a year, and then he'll probably start chewing again. He's actually doing really good this time. But it's like, there is stuff that comes up. But often if we're both working towards, which hopefully, if you're in a good marriage, you're both working towards things, and I'm not talking ticks. I'm talking real things that are hard, then you are working towards it together.

[A]

No, Absolutely. And, I mean, I also think you should forgive. Like, you want forgiveness in your marriage. And, you know, nothing is worse because I've been in the relationships where they just never forgive. Forgive you, where they always hold onto a grudge or they keep reminding you of that one time you did that something. And I don't want to do that for my marriage. I want to forgive. Like, I want to be forgiven. And this doesn't come with every relationship because some things are unforgivable, but for marriage, it's like, yeah, I need to let go that he didn't put his socks in the hamper. I need to let go that he didn't pick up his wrapper next to the couch. Like, I need to let some of that go.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you pick it up for him and you throw it away because he.

[B]

Does the same for you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I read this quote the other day, and I shared it. Share it again. It says, the reality is none of us are easy to deal to be with. We all have our struggles. And so when someone chooses to stay committed and to understanding you and actually wants you to grow and grow with you, don't allow your ego or your pride to ruin that connection.

[A]

Gosh. E. Ego and pride can ruin so many things.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well.

[B]

Final thoughts.

[A]

Final thoughts.

[B]

Talk about. So I would love to know what is something that, like, is a tip. A tip on fighting, like, how to and forgive each other. Like, you don't go to bed at night. We don't call each other names. We don't. We both don't use a divorce word. We also go to bed mad at each other. Sometimes.

[A]

Have sex.

[B]

That too.

[A]

And nothing. I mean, no, but. But for real, like, this is real, like, girl talk and stuff like that. A lot of the times when you fight, it's. I feel like sometimes because you're not feeling connected and close with each other, and having sex sometimes fixes that for me.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

So nothing like some good makeup sex. That's a good tip.

[B]

Yeah. I also want to stress, like, every couple fights.

[A]

Everyone.

[B]

Everyone. And whether your parents, like, fought in front of you or didn't fight in front of you or you see on Instagram, these couples who look perfect, everybody fights.

[A]

Well, when you live with somebody, you're around them all the time. They're also your best friend. You share bills, you share finances, you know, you're raising kids, you're going to fight.

[B]

It's just.

[A]

It's inevitable.

[B]

Yeah. And I am not above therapy, like marriage counseling or mediation or anything like that.

[A]

Yeah. Well, and I think that a lot of strong couples go to therapy because it's always good to have a check in and have a third party perspective, to be like, hey, this is what I'm seeing from the outside looking in, like maintenance work.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree.

[A]

Yeah. I would love to know what you fight about with your spouse. Like, I want to know, a dumb fight or like a reoccurring fight. And then also, like, your tip, your best tip.

[B]

Your best tip for, like, when you make up, when you don't, when you're not fighting. Like, okay, here's how to not take it to the next level.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Sometimes it needs to go there, but.

[A]

Sometimes gloves are off. All right, well, thank you for joining us.

[B]

We'll see you next time.

[A]

Bye.