← The Authentic Society
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- [00:01]
A
Welcome back to the Authentic Society. I'm Jamie.
- [00:03]
B
I'm Maddie.
- [00:03]
A
If you didn't know, now you do. On today's episode, we are going to be talking about things we've learned from our parents, good and bad, what we've taken with us to adulthood and what we're leaving behind. So buckle up. This is about to be a good one. Obviously, your parents have a lot of big stuff going right now, so I think people will be very interested in this episode.
- [00:32]
B
But, yeah, maybe. I don't know. I think that first off, when you get into adulthood, I. Especially parenthood, you don't realize how much your parents have influenced your life.
- [00:41]
A
Well, yeah, they're. They're our core makeup.
- [00:45]
B
I saw. Actually, no, I was reading in that one of the parenting books. I have the whole brain child. They talk about how you're essentially your child's frontal lobe interesting for, like, the first 25 years.
- [01:00]
A
Yeah.
- [01:01]
B
Isn't that crazy?
- [01:02]
A
It's scary.
- [01:03]
B
It is scary. It also is a little humbling when you think about it that way. Right. You're in charge of helping them learn and mirror emotional regulation.
- [01:10]
A
Well. And our parents teach us your core. Your core values.
- [01:13]
B
Yes.
- [01:14]
A
Right.
- [01:14]
B
So you talked about your mom teaching you hard work.
- [01:17]
A
Yes. Which people took the wrong way, but yes.
- [01:20]
B
That's okay.
- [01:21]
A
Yeah. I think it's interesting that your parents really are what your makeup is. Yeah.
- [01:28]
B
Good and bad.
- [01:29]
A
Good and bad. And they teach us, you know, along with the faith that you're growing up in, you know, sometimes politically, sometimes, you know, when it. You. Your morals, your worth ethic. I mean, they really teach you all of that starting young or they don't teach you that.
- [01:51]
B
And. Well, and I think that relationships that you have, like, parent like relationships can teach you that. So my grandma was heavily involved in my childhood, and she taught me a lot.
- [02:03]
A
Yeah. Adult relationships that shape you. Because it does take a village.
- [02:07]
B
Yeah. What do you think are some core values your parents took? Good ones that you took with you.
- [02:13]
A
Good ones. So my dad taught me that the ability to make people laugh is a really good thing. Quality to have. My dad is like the goofball and has this really crazy ability to make people, like, laugh and be a goofball and not take himself too seriously. And so I think I would like to think that he gave me that is to not take. I don't get embarrassed very easily, and I'm. I'm really happy for that. Even though he did embarrass me a lot as a kid, it did teach me that life's not that serious. No one's looking at you.
- [02:52]
B
They're more concerned about themselves.
- [02:53]
A
Right. Don't get embarrassed.
- [02:55]
B
And everybody remembers how you made them feel.
- [02:58]
A
Yeah.
- [02:58]
B
And if you can make them laugh, A, that's an icebreaker. B, they're going to remember laughing with you and having a good time.
- [03:05]
A
Taylor Swift once said, being kind is a really good legacy to leave behind.
- [03:10]
B
That is true.
- [03:11]
A
And I think I'd like to think that making people laugh is a really good legacy to leave behind. If I can do anything, it's. I would love to make people laugh and just feel goofy.
- [03:23]
B
Would you ever do standup?
- [03:25]
A
My mom and sister tell me all the time I could do stand up. Dylan thinks I'm more of a goofy comedian than I am, like, nailing jokes.
- [03:34]
B
Oh, okay. You don't quite get the punchline.
- [03:38]
A
I get the punchline. I think I'm hilarious. I don't know if other people get my punchline. And then for my mom, I mean, she taught me really how to be independent and to. I mean, my mom held a lot of qualities I don't think I hold.
- [03:57]
B
Really?
- [03:58]
A
Yeah.
- [03:59]
B
Like what?
- [04:01]
A
She's very kind and she let go.
- [04:06]
B
You don't think you're kind?
- [04:07]
A
I think I'm kind, but I think.
- [04:08]
B
You just quoted a Taylor Swift quote.
- [04:10]
A
I know. I think I. She's just so kind.
- [04:13]
B
Your mom is.
- [04:14]
A
Yeah.
- [04:14]
B
Do you think she's too kind?
- [04:16]
A
Sometimes. But she. She lets things just go. She's like, life's too short. Let it go. And then I think I. I would like to think that I get my kindness from her and the ability to have a lot of empathy for people. She has a lot of empathy for a lot of people. She always is trying.
- [04:39]
B
We have enough in today.
- [04:41]
A
She's always trying to play the devil's advocate.
- [04:43]
B
That's good.
- [04:43]
A
Which is. Can be annoying, but also I think we need more of that, is to look at other people's perspectives.
- [04:50]
B
I think we're so wrapped up in our own. That's, like, where we were talking about comparison the other day. Everybody's so wrapped up in their own stuff instead of showing empathy for other people, like mom shaming and stuff like that.
- [05:01]
A
Right. What do you get from your parents? Good core values.
- [05:09]
B
I should have thought about this beforehand. My mom is extremely kind, too, and, like, almost to a fault. And I think I didn't get that from her, but I would love to have that from her.
- [05:21]
A
You don't think you're kind? I'll ask you the same question.
- [05:24]
B
I think I am a little bit more blunt than she is. So I think that my mom is.
- [05:29]
A
Kind to the point for both of us.
- [05:32]
B
My mom is kind to a point of almost probably being taken advantage of, I think sometimes. And I'm not, I would venture to say I don't take advantage of unless I know that I'm being taken advantage of and I don't care. Usually it's like by a sibling or something. But I think hard work. My mom works really hard. She worked really hard when I was growing up to get her college degree while she was raising six kids. And she worked full time so that.
- [06:06]
A
My mom also got her nursing degree when she was raising my sister and I. So that's hard work. Good work.
- [06:15]
B
It is hard ethic. Yeah. From my dad, I think I got like, I don't know that I have charisma, but I'm able to talk to anybody. And if you meet my dad, not knowing his history, he's very charismatic.
- [06:33]
A
And my dad is too.
- [06:35]
B
Yeah.
- [06:35]
A
I get that from my dad. To be goofy and funny and to like be able to talk to a wall.
- [06:39]
B
Yeah. I don't know that he's goofy and funny, but he's very charismatic.
- [06:42]
A
It's interesting that our parents mirror each other. Like what we get from them.
- [06:48]
B
Yeah.
- [06:48]
A
Like we get the kindness and the empathy from our mothers and we get the outgoing charismic parts from our fathers.
- [06:58]
B
Yeah. I think my dad's a problem solver most of the time, historically. And I think that that is something that I like is I can problem solve. I don't know that I would solve problems the way that he did. But there's always a solution and that's good or bad. Good or bad. But it was like, okay, so when there's like a worst case scenario, I can usually like. Or something like is making me anxious. I'll usually go, okay, worst case scenario. And I'll go. And I'll think through that, like, okay, here's the worst case scenario. How would I resolve worst case scenario? And then I'll talk myself down. And I think that that ability to think, okay, here's worst case scenario was from my dad.
- [07:39]
A
Yeah. But do you also feel like hindsight maybe always thinking about the worst case scenario is because there was a lot of worse care scenarios.
- [07:50]
B
So it's funny. Caleb and I were just talking about this parent, like, making promises to our kids that we can't keep is like one of my pet peeves. Like, we don't do that. And it bothers me when people do it to my kids because my family was a best case scenario. So it's probably where I learned worst case scenario. And there was a lot of letdown because it was never fulfilled. And so that's something that like Caleb and I talk about a lot. We don't make promises to the kids unless we know for a fact we're going to keep them unless it's like an emergency or some really major unforeseen circumstance, but we just don't.
- [08:36]
A
Yeah, well, and that can be. Your parents ultimately gave you that.
- [08:40]
B
Yeah.
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A
As they taught you what not to do is to make promises to that you can't keep.
- [08:45]
B
Yeah, there was a lot of letdown. And so I think that trying not to give my kids that.
- [08:53]
A
What kind of traditions?
- [08:56]
B
What traditions do we keep?
- [08:58]
A
Yeah, from your childhood.
- [09:02]
B
Okay, so Christmas is a really weird. Was it weird for you when you and Dylan got married? Did you guys do it different?
- [09:09]
A
My Christmases started, I think, being a little weird when my parents got divorced because they got separated when I was in high school. So my Christmases have never been exactly the same since.
- [09:20]
B
Okay, what were they like before?
- [09:23]
A
So really you had a really big family? I did not have a big extended family and I did not. I only had one sister. So my dad's parents, my juju and granddad would come down and they would. Because they were both school teachers and they spent the whole two weeks with us.
- [09:39]
B
Oh, fun.
- [09:40]
A
Yeah, they spent their summers with us. They were very, you know, we would go up there for summer, but so it would be them, my dad, my mom, me and my sister. It was always the six of us for every holiday because my mom's parents lived in Florida, so we only saw them like once or twice a year.
- [09:54]
B
Do your mom. Does your mom and your dad's parents get along still?
- [10:01]
A
Well, my papa is passed away and then. Are you talking about like with each other? Like my grandparents? With my grandparents?
- [10:10]
B
No, with your mom.
- [10:11]
A
Oh, my Gigi and granddad love my mom.
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B
Okay.
- [10:15]
A
Absolutely. Wholeheartedly. She's family. That's why to them. Yeah.
- [10:20]
B
You spend that much time with somebody, I feel like.
- [10:22]
A
Oh, yeah. A lot of vacations and stuff were just with my dad working. It was me, my juju, my mom and me and my sister. No, my juju and granddad love my mom and were devastated when my parents divorced. I mean, it was a. It was hard. It was really hard because they viewed my mom as a daughter that they never had. So it was always just the six of us for Christmas. So very small. And I love that. I miss it a lot, having that Dylan has a bigger family than I do, and so that was a big.
- [11:08]
B
Adjustment is to all the aunts and uncles coming over for the holidays.
- [11:14]
A
Yeah. Like, well, Thanksgiving. I mean, he has a huge extended family.
- [11:18]
B
Really?
- [11:19]
A
Yeah. They go to the church, and we eat at the church. Dylan's laughing. It's such a. Such a Southern really. Thing.
- [11:26]
B
There's that many family members.
- [11:28]
A
Yeah.
- [11:28]
B
Okay. We may have done that, but they're. My parents.
- [11:31]
A
Were. And then, you know, his regular family. On Thanksgiving, his mom makes us go around and, like, open. Everybody opens their gifts in birth order.
- [11:42]
B
You on Thanksgiving?
- [11:43]
A
No, on Christmas.
- [11:44]
B
Oh, you said Thanksgiving. I was like, wait, what?
- [11:47]
A
So that takes up forever, and it just. It's different.
- [11:52]
B
Okay.
- [11:53]
A
And now. And usually on Christmas, I only see my mom and my sister and me and Dylan. So small.
- [11:59]
B
Real small.
- [11:59]
A
Yeah. What about you?
- [12:02]
B
So Caleb's family grew up, and he. Caleb's dad's a preacher or was a preacher. So they would get ready for the day before they ever touched presents. And, like, my family, you stayed in your PJs all day? All day. And so that was something that we implemented. And like, now with my kids, we get up. We have two kids, three now. But it's like, we don't spend. My parents. Caleb. I used to, like, prep Caleb. We're gonna open presents past lunch. And Caleb was like, okay. And we really did. And we don't do that now because there's not 18 of us, but we let the kids go free for all. We put all their presents together, and I'm like, just open them. Make sure you say thank you to anybody who's close by. So usually they'll be like, dad, like, accidentally like, dad, who's this from? Or mom, who's this from?
- [12:57]
A
That's the same, though, for. Hey, like, growing up, my sister and I, we just had a free for all.
- [13:03]
B
Yeah.
- [13:04]
A
And it was just my grandparents and my parents, so we were the only two kids.
- [13:07]
B
So we just did it.
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A
You just did it. And then you spent the day in your pajamas, playing all day.
- [13:13]
B
Yeah. And that's what we did. We put, like. I usually do a puzzle and that kind of stuff. So that was really a tradition that we kept specifically from my side of the family, because Caleb's family, they get up, they eat, they do, like. They read the birth of Christ and all that stuff. And then they open presents, and I'm. And they take family pictures, and then they open presents, and I'm like, you get ready for the day on Christmas. But a lot of people do.
- [13:39]
A
My little self could have never. I was up at like the crack of dawn.
- [13:43]
B
Yeah. Ready to open your presents.
- [13:44]
A
Ready to. Is that what your kids do? Do they come, like, knock on your door at 5am yeah.
- [13:48]
B
Santa's been here, Mom.
- [13:49]
A
I look.
- [13:50]
B
I went downstairs and I looked. I'm like. But it's also fun being the parent giving the gift because they get so excited.
- [13:59]
A
It's like you get to relive a part of your childhood. Yeah. That was gone for a while because you're. When you're adult, the kind of. The magic of Christmas isn't there.
- [14:07]
B
I always tell people, like, holidays become so fun again when you have kids.
- [14:12]
A
I'm sure. Especially this age, like Axel and Evie's age.
- [14:16]
B
Yeah. And my mom says that too. She's like, I love being at your house for holidays. Like, we just did Halloween. And like, Halloween when you're like 13 is not as fun. But like, Axel went with his little friends and we all went around the neighborhood and they ran and it was. They were laughing the whole time. And I don't remember having that much fun on Halloween in ages.
- [14:38]
A
Yeah. You know, but I'm sure you did at one point.
- [14:40]
B
Yeah. And like one of my siblings, we totally did. But now they're like my kids. It's like you. You kind of lose the fun of it unless you're like, at a party drinking with your college friends or whatever. But, like, they. They have so much fun.
- [14:53]
A
Yeah. I used. We would always trick or treat with my God. Parents and her kids that are like my cousins, and we would. We used to have a ball. It was just so fun.
- [15:06]
B
Yeah. Okay. Money. How do you manage money compared to your parents?
- [15:11]
A
I would like to think more cohesively.
- [15:16]
B
Your parents didn't like.
- [15:17]
A
No, they did. But I think they argued about money a lot.
- [15:20]
B
Really.
- [15:21]
A
So I think not arguing about it and kind of being on the same page with money is really important.
- [15:27]
B
I think that we inherit so much of our thought process around money from our parents.
- [15:32]
A
What about you? What did what Your thought process on money.
- [15:35]
B
It's very different now than when I first got married. So my dad always choose to get rich. Quick scheme. Almost always. And that was something like. It was such a foreign thought to Caleb. And I remember, like, explaining some ideas to him and he's like, no, no. And like, so we kind of like you. You build wealth, you build stability with your finances, you know, and so we did a lot of, like, work on that together. Because poverty mindset is such an interesting thing, especially when it comes to money, because, like, when we got our tax returns when I was younger, we immediately. My parents immediately spent it on something. And Caleb's family were both educated, and they did not. They saved it. They saved every penny that they could. I mean, they were broke, they were debt phobic. Like, they did as much as they could. And so it was very different than my parents. So it was really hard to kind of, like, work through that. But I remember saying to Caleb about seven years ago, and I was like, you know what's weird is, like, there's. It's realizing that there is no get rich quick, you know, because.
- [16:55]
A
No, there's not.
- [16:56]
B
And I think that. And I knew it, but I think, like, actually saying it out loud, it was such a weird concept.
- [17:05]
A
Did you grow before the show? Did you grow up poor?
- [17:08]
B
Yeah, before the show, we were very poor. I think my dad made decent money. But you have, like, 15 kids, right? Like, a lot of kids.
- [17:20]
A
Yeah, he might have been. They might have been fine if they had, like, four. Yeah, right.
- [17:24]
B
Yeah.
- [17:24]
A
But with 15, you have to be massively rich to be able.
- [17:29]
B
And there were people. We could get into this. We should talk about cults one day. But there were people in the church who were massively rich.
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A
But I remember from, like, quick. Money schemes.
- [17:43]
B
No, they were like contractors. Like commercial contractors.
- [17:47]
A
Yeah.
- [17:48]
B
Um, which. Yeah, like, they were the commercial contractors. Um, so they built their houses for super cheap.
- [17:57]
A
Did your parents, from when you were younger until really the show, did they always have, like, the same job and career?
- [18:04]
B
No. So my dad was always in sign sales, and Christine usually did, like, stuff here or there. My mom, she. She worked for the state a lot of the time, so she worked for dcfs, cps, whatever you want to call it. She was a secretary for a long time when I was a kid. And then when she. After she got her degree, she actually got in with the state and unemployment in Utah, and she did that for a couple years.
- [18:37]
A
So always state jobs, which they have a lot of benefits.
- [18:42]
B
It was. Yeah, it was.
- [18:44]
A
How. Yeah, how are you putting all these kids on insurance?
- [18:46]
B
I don't know. That's a great question.
- [18:48]
A
But you guys always. You're. And your siblings, you're.
- [18:51]
B
We were, and then we weren't. So my mom was actually in between jobs. She was. She worked for a temp agency for a little while after she got her degree in accounting, and she had just left the temp agency and started with the state. And I. My appendix ruptured and it was an emergency surgery, so it wasn't on anybody's insurance. So my mom had to pay that off for a while.
- [19:17]
A
That's kind of scary to think that there was that many kids and no insurance.
- [19:21]
B
There was insurance, but not consistently. I think it was inconsistent. This is before Obamacare. Like, this was before you had to have insurance. Like, people paid out of pocket, you know.
- [19:33]
A
Yeah. What about dental?
- [19:36]
B
My mom. We had. My mom's kids had it. I think, Chris. I think Christine's kids were on. I don't want to misquote here, because I could be. I was a kid. I didn't pay attention to that stuff. But I'm pretty sure Christine's. Where kids were on my dad's insurance.
- [19:49]
A
I guess you just don't think about that stuff until you grow up and you get a career or you have kids and you're like, I don't think.
- [19:59]
B
You think about it a ton until you're like, you have kids.
- [20:01]
A
Well, but then you go, wow, that's 15 kids on somebody's insurance. That's. Do assurance and policies have maxes on kids? Do you know what I mean, though? And then that's a lot of children to think about. Dental insurance, health insurance, yearly checkups. That's really off a tangent, but.
- [20:19]
B
Well, and that's why I think, like, so people often ask me about, like, the kids that we have, and I'm like, the thing is, is, like, we take very, like, before we have children. We are very mindful about it. And I do think that there is a point where you have to be considering the children that you have.
- [20:37]
A
Right. But a lot of quick money schemes necessarily don't always are like, oh, this is insurance. Oh, like a career can give you sometimes.
- [20:49]
B
Yes.
- [20:50]
A
Like a job.
- [20:50]
B
Yes. So my dad was a sign salesman, but he was always doing something, even after the show started. They did a lot of investments with people and stuff like that. And I remember just being, like, interesting. But, like, Caleb and I, so, like, that was something that we really had to talk about and, like, learn and communicate about. Save money and, you know, that kind of stuff.
- [21:20]
A
Longevity.
- [21:21]
B
Longevity. Like, build it pay stuff. That kind of stuff.
- [21:27]
A
Build a life. Not.
- [21:29]
B
Not robbing Peter to pay Paul. That kind of stuff.
- [21:31]
A
Yeah. Building a life is very different than necessarily getting quick cash, you know, building a livelihood.
- [21:43]
B
Yeah.
- [21:44]
A
You know, if.
- [21:45]
B
Well, and you start out starving. When Kayla and I first moved to North Carolina, like, we were broke.
- [21:51]
A
Yeah. I think a lot of married couples start out broke.
- [21:55]
B
Baroque.
- [21:56]
A
Me and Dylan did.
- [21:57]
B
Yeah.
- [21:58]
A
We Were broke. We were barely making ends meet.
- [22:04]
B
Yeah.
- [22:05]
A
Living together, so.
- [22:07]
B
And I think so. We, like, there was a lot of stuff that, like, that was a wake up call, so.
- [22:14]
A
Do you wish that your parents had taught you to handle finances a little better?
- [22:20]
B
I don't know. Because my mom is relatively good with money, and that's why it's so weird to me, because you'd think, I don't know. I do think that, like, there is stuff that I don't know. Just, like when I. When we were talking about kids, like, you set the tone of your home, that was like, something that really set us up. You know, My mom used to do movie nights with us, and we used to do, like, where we'd go rent a movie and we get all the junk food and we'd watch the movie. And I do that with my kids and they. It's like their favorite thing.
- [22:58]
A
That's sweet. I love that.
- [23:02]
B
What do you do?
- [23:03]
A
Well, I don't have children. I'm trying to think of a tradition that I keep.
- [23:09]
B
Did you all Black Friday shop?
- [23:11]
A
No, my mom's not a shopper. I get. My mom's not girly at all. My mom is, like, you would call it very granola. Like, she's a nurse. She. But you're like.
- [23:24]
B
Like, we need to do an episode because I was explaining to you like, you're silky mom and I'm a granola mom.
- [23:29]
A
Yeah. So she's very. She bikes. She just ran a 5k last weekend. She's done half marathon.
- [23:36]
B
Do you run with her?
- [23:37]
A
Absolutely not. Absolutely not. What do I look like running with her?
- [23:41]
B
Okay, so I would die. My family is planning a 5k run for Thanksgiving in Greenville. The ones that are coming to town. And Caleb was like, I did not marry this family.
- [23:54]
A
You.
- [23:55]
B
You guys used to not be. You used to be the people that watched the Macy's Day parade and you did not go run a 5K. And he's like, are you gonna do it? And I was like, I'll probably take the kids and walk it. I was like, are you gonna come? And he's like, absolutely not.
- [24:06]
A
No, no, no. Well, my mom doesn't do 5k on Thanksgiving. We were not a 5k family, and neither is Dylan's family. And I'm. For that, I am forever blessed, because you will never catch me dead running a 5k on Thanksgiving. Okay, I am going to have.
- [24:20]
B
There's only three miles.
- [24:22]
A
Only.
- [24:22]
B
No, I'm like an hour of walking.
- [24:25]
A
No, I'm popping a mimosa on Thanksgiving. That's the kind of family I am in. But yeah, my mom's very different than me. I didn't get the girl. She me to help her with fashion stuff.
- [24:39]
B
Oh, really?
- [24:39]
A
And to help shop. My. I didn't get. And my sister's not like that either. I'm very juju. I don't know because my juju is not like it either. My juju likes to shop, but she's very, like, she's not very girly.
- [24:52]
B
I can tell that because I'm not girly either. And I can tell we're in for it with Evie. Like, I tell Caleb, I'm really having to embrace. So Evie's favorite thing to do right now is her nails every Sunday night. And I.
- [25:05]
A
We do we have that in common.
- [25:07]
B
Yeah.
- [25:08]
A
I do my nails every Sunday.
- [25:09]
B
I think I've had a man like a petty or manicure. I've had a manicure one time since I've been married because I bite my nails and so I bite the nails off. And so I'm like, why would I paint them? And Caleb and Evie. Oh, it's like she wants the whole. So I had to buy the whole because I'm that mom. This is where the frivolous spending comes in. But so I bought the whole kit for her and it. She eats it up. She. It's her favorite thing.
- [25:34]
A
Tell Evie k. That she can come and she can do her nails with me. And we would live it up. Let. Let her spend a day with me.
- [25:41]
B
She would love it. Love it.
- [25:43]
A
We would have so much fun when.
- [25:45]
B
Isabel lived with us. Because Isabel's like that. Like, she's more like fashion trendy. Girly. Yeah, girly. I don't know that she's like, really girly.
- [25:54]
A
She's like, just more in like.
- [25:57]
B
Like light. Light academia. If I had to describe her, like, I'd be like, she's light. Light academia. Like, she's very. She likes fashion trends. She's very trendy, but she's not expressive.
- [26:10]
A
Yeah.
- [26:11]
B
Yeah. I get what you're kind of like. Like I would venture to say you. Yeah. And. But yeah, Evie loved it, but I am not.
- [26:19]
A
And did you guys do Black Friday shopping?
- [26:22]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [26:23]
A
I never had done it.
- [26:25]
B
Really.
- [26:25]
A
I. Not until I was a teenager. No. That was not as a teenager.
- [26:29]
B
As a teenager, Christine would take us.
- [26:31]
A
No. Yeah. But they don't do Black Friday shopping. That's a whole nother tangent. But they don't do it like they used to.
- [26:36]
B
No. Have you ever looked up three days before it starts the Monday before.
- [26:40]
A
Have you ever done looked up the Black Friday shopping desk? They have a whole website for it. On how many people die on Black Friday?
- [26:47]
B
Oh, my gosh.
- [26:48]
A
The number has substantially gone down over the years.
- [26:50]
B
Oh, I believe it.
- [26:51]
A
People used to die.
- [26:53]
B
I remember being at Walmart one time on Black Friday and they rang the bell that it was time and they, like these people were diving on top of these toy castles. And I remember thinking, somebody's gonna die here.
- [27:08]
A
I think a good Black Friday like that would bring our nation back together. Okay.
- [27:17]
B
Where your life is literally flashing before your eyes over commercialism.
- [27:23]
A
I don't think people would be arguing like they are if we just all got it out on Black Friday.
- [27:28]
B
You could just duke it out, just start a fire.
- [27:31]
A
Flat screen tv.
- [27:33]
B
That's what people need more. Oh, my gosh. They don't. They don't.
- [27:36]
A
All right.
- [27:37]
B
That's our tangible.
- [27:37]
A
We're not. That is a ramble going back to the things that we took from our childhood into adulthood. What about the differences and feeling like you were going to disappoint your parents with your life? Did you feel like living differently than them? Or how did you take the things from your childhood and say, but I'm still going to live differently.
- [28:04]
B
Oh, dude, that needs to be a whole episode.
- [28:07]
A
It does.
- [28:08]
B
So I didn't. I knew I was 13 that I didn't want to be a plural marriage. Like, I knew probably before that, but I could vocalize it at 13. It's like, nah, not doing that. So I think that was a. That obviously when you grow up in a plural family and then a cult or a church or whatever you want to call it, I call it a cold that literally your salvation depends on you living plural marriage. I remember being completely content to go to hell. Like, I was like, we're all going to be there.
- [28:41]
A
Like, I'll meet you there. I'll save you a seat.
- [28:44]
B
Yeah, it was like all of like my. And a lot of like, because I didn't want to. I was pretty much the rebel child. Like, I hung out with the class of rebel children from this cult. And I think it. I just was content to go to hell.
- [29:08]
A
Hindsight.
- [29:09]
B
Yeah.
- [29:11]
A
You are living a much more faithfully devoted life.
- [29:17]
B
Yes. So that comes. So right now, Caleb and I are very devout in our faith now. And I think that that is very different because. Well, first off, that what I grew up in is not the faith.
- [29:30]
A
Yeah, it's not.
- [29:31]
B
It's not at all. And I've actually had cousins say to me like, how did you. How could you trust a God after everything we went through? And their lives were very different than mine, I will say that. And I'm like, I. First off, I think you have to start from where I was, where I was like, I'm content to go to hell here, you know, and then it's like, okay, is there a God or do you believe? And Ginger Duggar calls it disentangling, not deconstruction, disentangling. I think there was a lot of that. What about you?
- [30:09]
A
So again, I didn't grow up super religious. We grew up Presbyterian, which is Christianity. And that is more on more of the lack side than Baptists.
- [30:22]
B
And we're non denomination.
- [30:24]
A
Yeah. And we would go, I remember really young, we would go to church, but as older and stuff. And my parents worked a lot on the weekends and stuff. We didn't. I would say my mom and dad had different viewpoints on that. They really cut a lot of different viewpoints on a lot of everything. Yeah. Politically, you know, with their faith. And my dad, I think is, you know, way more Christian based. And my mom is more of like, she believes in a higher power, but not agnostic, but doesn't really believe in a, you know, religion necessarily. And I think I fall really in the middle. Like I would like to Christian, I'm very spiritual, but I don't practice a lot of those fundamental values. And I think I get that way because I was a very good mix.
- [31:31]
B
Of both of them.
- [31:31]
A
Of both of them. So I, I think that's what I've brought into my adulthood is that I kind of fall in the middle on a lot of things because I had two parents that were very different opposites. And so I've gotten both of it, you know, when it comes to religion or politics.
- [31:55]
B
Do you think it helped you in.
- [31:56]
A
Life, fall in the middle?
- [31:58]
B
Yeah, to see both sides of the spectrum.
- [32:00]
A
I do, I make my own. I, I really do feel like I make my own choices because I didn't have two parents that were telling me one way was the right way. Yeah, I had two parents that both thought different ways were the right way. And it made me be very, I think, independent in my thought processes. And I really am the tried to purse person that I really do. I'm very fascinated, fascinated with other religions. I think they're beautiful. I had a lot of friends that had a lot of different religions. I had a friend that I went and stayed with in New Jersey who was Jewish and I went and stayed with her for a week. And they were.
- [32:45]
B
It's very different.
- [32:46]
A
You know, they like her mom didn't use the car on the weekends because they walked mass. And I thought it was so interesting. It's so fascinating. And so I really love to view all different. And my parents are very much like that where they kind of, you know, they taught me to, you know, make my own decisions and, and. And be very independent in my thinking.
- [33:16]
B
Yeah.
- [33:17]
A
Which I'm thankful for because I think a lot of people that where I grew up it wasn't the case. It was very Southern Baptist. And again, my mom wasn't raised in the south, so. And my dad was raised in the mountains, the western part of North Carolina. So, you know, I am really thankful that I. Even though I was raised in this bubble, I wasn't raised by people in this bubble.
- [33:46]
B
I think that it's interesting that. So we're not Baptists, but Baptist culture is very interesting.
- [33:56]
A
Well, do you with raising your kids from what you've taken from your childhood, are you gonna allow them to explore other totally religions?
- [34:07]
B
I welcome questions of is this for me or does God exist or those kind of things. Like I think that it is healthy and it is good to find out for yourself.
- [34:19]
A
Yeah. So you're.
- [34:21]
B
I think you get a lot of problems when you're told your whole life how to believe something and you don't even know who you are.
- [34:28]
A
And out of fear.
- [34:29]
B
Yeah. Oh, the fears tactic is like crazy. I think it served me that I was very anti conformity and still am. And I think it served me a lot and growing up and finding out who I am and what I want and what I want for my kids.
- [34:50]
A
My question is, is that Caleb grew up in a household where it was okay to be blunt and to speak your mind and you did not necessarily. Are you going to teach your kids it's okay to grow up and being able to. They can say their opinions kindly and nicely, but it's okay to state an opinion and have one that's different than your parents.
- [35:10]
B
I think so. Yes. Evie already analysis stuff and I have to be like sometimes we don't say it like that or Axel. So.
- [35:21]
A
Yeah. But you. I wonder where you get your bluntness from because you didn't grow up necessarily grew up in a home that was very like passive where people got their feelings hurt all the time. No offense.
- [35:33]
B
No, people get their feelings hurt a lot. And I think sometimes people take offense to something that there's not something to take offense to.
- [35:39]
A
Think that's because you have a Big family, and there's just more feelings involved.
- [35:43]
B
I think it was a manipul. I think some. Yes. I also think it was a manipulation thing. Here's the thing is me saying what I think tactfully and nicely when you ask for an opinion shouldn't be offensive. Or when you're vocalizing your opinion, it shouldn't be offensive. If you disagree, that's fine. But you can't be like, that hurt my feelings. So it's like you literally asked for it.
- [36:08]
A
See, that's what you're going to give your children is that it's. As long as they say it nice and tactfully and stuff, they're allowed to have different opinions than you.
- [36:16]
B
Yeah. There's an easier way to be like, your hair looks like shit versus, like, hey, can I fix your hair for you real quick?
- [36:23]
A
Yeah, I got to work on that. Like, if my friends like, do you like this outfit? I'm like, no, it's so ugly.
- [36:31]
B
If you can't. If it's something that you can't change first off, unless they're a close friend or family member and they've asked for your opinion or it's a point of like a boundary or conflict resolution, then that's different. But if it's something that they can't change in the next, like, minute, what does it matter?
- [36:47]
A
Yeah. I actually saw a teacher on TikTok say that is like, if they can't change it in the next 15 seconds, keep it to yourself.
- [36:54]
B
Yes.
- [36:55]
A
So it's their shoes untied. You can tell them.
- [36:58]
B
Yeah. If you don't like their sh down.
- [37:00]
A
You don't like their shirt. Keep it to yourself. Like, and we need to say that as adults.
- [37:07]
B
Yeah.
- [37:07]
A
If you can't, like, for example, you people comment on my voice. They think I have a horrible voice.
- [37:13]
B
Wait, what?
- [37:14]
A
I can't change that. You haven't seen those comments?
- [37:17]
B
No, I don't really care.
- [37:19]
A
Somebody. Somebody said. Several said something about my voice, and I'm like, I can't. Thank you. I can't change that.
- [37:27]
B
I honestly think that after being in, like, at 15, being exposed to public like we were, and people are mean, they say stuff. It's like you just don't care anymore.
- [37:37]
A
Yeah.
- [37:38]
B
Like, my hair for some reason is a comment, like a topic of conversation. It is like, it's just stupid when.
- [37:46]
A
You say it out loud, like, but.
- [37:48]
B
It'S like, like, why do you care so much? It's such.
- [37:51]
A
It's so silly to say out loud that people are commenting on my voice or your hair. Like, it's so silly.
- [37:56]
B
No, it is. It is. But, like, that's what. So it's like, sometimes it's like, okay, so that's what I teach my kids.
- [38:03]
A
I also don't think I got that from either of my parents. My thick skin, I think I got it from.
- [38:11]
B
I don't know.
- [38:12]
A
I got. I have thick skin, and I don't think I got that from either of them.
- [38:17]
B
They don't have thick skin.
- [38:18]
A
No. I mean, my mom does more on others, like, outside people. She's more sensitive to the fact, like, if I tell her something, like, it will hurt her feelings. My dad, he. He lets everything get to him.
- [38:35]
B
Well, and so one thing that's really hard right now for me is Evie's. She really struggles to, like, with comparison. So, like, a perfect example of this. Yesterday, Caleb and I both got out of the car on the property to look at something, and they were in the car, and I walked past Evie's window, and I was looking at her, trying to smile at her, and she was looking over at Axel's window where Caleb was walking past his. Axel's on the driver's side. And we get in the car, and Evie's, like, crying, and we're like, what's wrong? And she's like, you walked past Axel's window and you didn't say hi to me? And I was like, evie, I walked right past your window, and Caleb was looking at the gate to open the gate, and I was like, I even tried to look at you, and you didn't even look at me. So something is like, you. Something that I really want to instill in my kids that I don't know if it wasn't when I was a kid, is like, you have to be grateful for what you have, too. Because if you spend your whole life looking at what other people have and you don't have it, you're gonna miss out on all the things you do have.
- [39:42]
A
Did you think you got that from your parents or.
- [39:45]
B
I think I got that from my mom.
- [39:47]
A
Is to be thankful in the now.
- [39:49]
B
And my grandma is like, yeah, we could have it so much worse.
- [39:54]
A
Right?
- [39:55]
B
And there were times where it was bad, and it's like, it could be so much worse.
- [39:58]
A
Well, and that. That comes with gratitude.
- [40:00]
B
Yeah.
- [40:00]
A
Right. And we have to do a whole thing. Gratitude, because you're really big on that, and I need to be a lot. I think it's a great thing to be big on.
- [40:08]
B
Huge thing, like. And that's like, I'm Gonna go on a, I was going to go on a soapbox, but I'll say that we'll move on.
- [40:16]
A
We're trying not to ramble.
- [40:19]
B
Okay, so what do you like? Okay, so one thing I think that we should talk about is as you get older, the move from being your, your parents kid to your parents friend. And when is that appropriate? And when were you.
- [40:35]
A
Oh, this is so good. Okay, my answer will probably be a lot different than yours because my parents divorced and my parents separated at 15. My dad moved out of the house and so he really wasn't in the picture that much. And when my parents got divorced, my sister went to college. So it went from a four person household to a two person household and it was my mom and me. And my mom was going through a really painful divorce and trying to navigate that on her own. We became more of like roommates and friends than it became mother and daughter. And she has apologized to me like so profusely. Like, I'm so sorry. Like you deserve to have a mom and not a friend in those. But she was drowning in her own grief and pain and trying to navigate life for the first time too.
- [41:34]
B
You don't.
- [41:35]
A
And unfortunately, I really, I think that's why I am so independent. From the ages 15 and 18, I was just very independent. I had my own job, I pay for my own gas, I paid for everything on my own, besides obviously my car insurance and my car payment. But I really could come and go as I please. You know, there weren't a lot of questions asked. My grades weren't very good. And you know, in a time when you're kind of like life's unraveling for both of you. I think we were just trying to make it and survive. But I do think 15 is way too young for your mom to become your friend. I still think you need a mom. And that's from my personal experience.
- [42:24]
B
Have you ever watched Gilmore Girls?
- [42:26]
A
Yes.
- [42:26]
B
Do you like it?
- [42:27]
A
I love Gilmore Girls.
- [42:28]
B
Do you like it now?
- [42:30]
A
Yes.
- [42:30]
B
Okay.
- [42:31]
A
Yeah, I do. I, I think for me, I, I desperately needed boundaries and limits and I didn't have many in that time. And not because my mom is a bad mom, because my mom was struggling in something in her personal life.
- [42:50]
B
You were fed, you were clothed, you had a house.
- [42:52]
A
Yes. You know, I called her and I, if I needed, you know, I was, I was, I was good in that front. But as far as like being an adult, I became an adult very quickly. And so by the time I got ready for college, I was like you're ready. This is just a thing, you know? And so I think that's why I've always been very independent, because I think I've been independent since I was 15, because I really got to go and do as I please. And it's amazing. I graduated high school my senior year. I had, like, 89 consecutive days missed.
- [43:29]
B
How does that legally happen? Isn't there truancy laws?
- [43:32]
A
Well, you know how when you miss a period.
- [43:35]
B
Yeah.
- [43:35]
A
So we had four periods.
- [43:37]
B
Yeah.
- [43:37]
A
And you miss one, it counts as a day.
- [43:39]
B
No, that's not how it was in my school.
- [43:41]
A
So it counted as, like, I'm. So I missed 89 periods, I guess my whole high school. Not days. So that's something. And yeah, I think a good age is. I don't know. I just know 15. 2. John. I don't know. What about you?
- [44:01]
B
Did it like a transition? It's almost like you got a transition into it because when was yours probably young, too?
- [44:13]
A
Well, you gave birth young.
- [44:15]
B
I gave birth young, and I feel like I grew up really young.
- [44:18]
A
I feel like when you get married and you start having kids, that's a good transition time, too. Yeah. I mean, I think it needs to happen a little bit closer to that. Closer.
- [44:25]
B
But they were still, like, hard nose, hard boundaries. You know, my mom didn't care as much growing up. My dad wasn't around very much. So it was kind of like when he was there, it was kind of. We. We acted differently.
- [44:42]
A
Same.
- [44:44]
B
But I think my mom and I were first off. I was the oldest girl, and my mom was in a turbulent relationship. And so I think even at a young age, that there was a lot of, like, leaning on me and friendship, but there was still, like, hard boundaries, I think. Yeah, maybe when I moved, I moved. When I moved to Salt Lake, where Logan. Out of. Out for college.
- [45:11]
A
Yeah.
- [45:12]
B
It was like, I think when I turned 18. When I was 18, which is like, right before. When it was during my senior year, she just, like, all bets are off.
- [45:20]
A
Yeah. Well. And I also think the transition from friends to parent is a lot different for father and daughters.
- [45:29]
B
So it's interesting because this is something Caleb and I talk about with his family because it took his dad a long time, and I think sometimes he still struggles.
- [45:38]
A
Like, I'm a grown man.
- [45:39]
B
Yeah. Caleb's a baby, so maybe that, too. But, like, I think it's. It's just an interesting thing to watch. And I think about it with my own children, like, there's still respect there. The lead singer of Skillet John Cooper. Do you know who he is? Dylan. Do you know who he is? Skillet?
- [46:02]
A
No.
- [46:03]
B
You don't listen to that band. He was talking about how his son was calling him dude, and he had to be like, I'm still your dad, dude, like, because he was.
- [46:11]
A
I called my mom Sherry.
- [46:12]
B
Really?
- [46:15]
A
I have forever. So does my sister. We did it at first. My mom, patient woman. Look at Dylan. He's laughing because he. He thinks it's crazy that I call her Sherry. But. And so does it bothers so many people. It does not bother.
- [46:29]
B
Do you call her Sherry to her face?
- [46:30]
A
Yes. Not mine. Sherry.
- [46:33]
B
But do you ever call her mom?
- [46:35]
A
Oh, yeah. I got. So I never transitioned out of calling her mama.
- [46:41]
B
Okay.
- [46:41]
A
So as an adult, when we're in public, calling her mom is weird. I've never called her mom. I've always called her mama. And so in a. In a. Like, an adult setting, in, like, public, it's so weird to yell mama. So I either call her mother or Sherry.
- [46:59]
B
Okay. When I'm out and about with my mom, I'll usually say janelle.
- [47:04]
A
No.
- [47:04]
B
But I won't listen if you say mom.
- [47:06]
A
So, no, I call. But I call Sherry. Sherry. Hey, Sherry. What's up, girl? It bothers so many people. It does not bother her. Me and my sister started doing it as, like, a gag to, like, irritate her, and now it's just something we do. But my mom is a very patient woman, and it just. It doesn't bother her. But it bothers so many people. They think it's so disrespectful. Yeah. So biggest takeaways from your childhood that you want to bring in with adulthood.
- [47:35]
B
I think that a lot of people think you should regret your childhood. And there is stuff that I might change or that I can look back now as a. And be like, that probably shouldn't happened or. There was also really good things that I love. There was good memories. I loved it. Being one of my siblings.
- [47:52]
A
I refuse to spend my whole adult life angry at my childhood.
- [47:58]
B
Yes.
- [47:59]
A
I'm not doing it.
- [48:00]
B
Yeah.
- [48:01]
A
I'm not. It's. You know, I. You have to. It is what it is. No matter anger or hurt will ever change the child you had. There were some bad parts. Like you said, there were some good parts. And it made me who I am.
- [48:13]
B
Yeah. It made me who I am, and I think it made me the parent I am today.
- [48:17]
A
Forgiving. Forgiving that thing.
- [48:23]
B
One of my siblings always says, our parents did the best they could with what they had in their toolbox. And it's our job to do better with our toolbox.
- [48:33]
A
Absolutely. I would love to know you guys in the comments what you brought from each of your parents and your childhood, good and bad.
- [48:44]
B
Yeah. What was your take it and what was your leave it?
- [48:47]
A
Yeah, that's a good one. Take it or leave it. We will talk to you guys next time.
- [48:53]
B
Bye.