Jamie (0:00)

All right, guys, welcome back to the Authentic Society. I'm Jamie, and it is 12:45 in the morning Sunday night. I had already recorded an episode for this week that's supposed to be coming out technically today because it's Monday, but I was laying in bed, could not sleep per usual, and my brain never cuts off when it comes to work. And I just decided I didn't like the episode I did and I wasn't in it when I was recording it. It felt like it was a job I was doing and I just don't think that's my best work. So I'm deciding to record it. I could have either gotten up at the butt ass crack of dawn to record it, or I could have gotten up in the middle of the night when I was still awake thinking about it fresh and record it. So, yeah, that just tells you a little bit about me. I've never been a good sleeper. I even take sleeping medication because I've always struggled with my sleep. I am a night owl through and through. I will feel sluggish and tired all day and then I get at night and like, bam. I'm awake thinking about anything and everything. I'll be checking emails at 12:00 in the morning if I can't sleep. It's terrible. It's a horrible habit. It goes two and two with my anxiety and depression. And I know it's bad, trust me. I have seen doctors about it. I have talked to therapists about it. I'm just not a good sleeper. I'm a night owl. But I really wanted to redo this episode. So I'm still gonna have to get up early tomorrow and edit it again. So this episode's gonna be coming out a little later on Monday, but I think it's gonna be a better episode because I kind of wanted to shifted gears on what I wanted to talk about and I laid out my plan better and I just think it's gonna be more organic than the episode I previously had done. And yeah, I just don't think my episodes are good when I don't put my heart in it. And that's really what I what I want to bring you guys each week. I want to step it up. Every single better podcast episode than I did the week before. And I know I'm my harshest critic, but I know the only way I'm going to grow and succeed in this business if I'm not just doing it for followers or whatever it may be like, I really need to do it because I want to Step up my game and grow and put out a better episode each week than I did the week before. And so whether that's at 2:00 in the afternoon or 2:00 in the morning, that's what I'll be doing. So thank you for joining me. When you hear this, it'll be Monday. Happy Monday, or whatever day of week you're listening to. I hope your day is going better and I hope you sleep at night. So just to recap, on like last week's episode I talked about, you know, seasonal depression and unrealistic goals we give ourselves in January and January ends this week. Thank God. We're finally coming to the end of this 57 day long month. It has not been the best month, but it hasn't been the worst month. It's just kind of been slouchy and gray and I'm ready for warmer and brighter days. We actually got snow in North Carolina this week. We hadn't experienced like an actual snow in almost three years. And there's really something quite magical about a snow day in the South. If you live in the south, you will know if you are from a place where it gets a lot of snow. Bless you. I like snow once a year and now I am ready for summer. But there's something truly magical about snow day in the South. I feel like southern people are all the same. You go buy you milk and bread and you either make some type of like chili or chicken pastry or something warm, a soup preferably, and then you are out in the snow all day. We went sledding, which our version of sledding in the south is tying a sled to a back of a four wheeler, a car or some type of atv, big machine, such and such which we have side by side. So we hooked a hold an old car hood and we sledded. I live on a compound, I like to call it, with all my in laws, literally my mother and father in law, my brother in law, my other brother in law, sister in law and niece and nephew. So we played card games all day and it's just truly a magical experience to live in the South. So I knew no, last week I said I was going to do like my peaks of the week and the snow day definitely was a peak. But I am ready for summer. I think I would give, I was going to say my left boob for summer but I don't know if that's appropriate. So I don't know. I would, I would give the extensions in my head right now if it could be summertime, I don't know. But I'm ready for summer again. This is, I'm being, I'm recording this at one in the morning guys. Bear with me. But I would, I would give anything for summer. So we also talked about last week. We, we like who's the other co host. I talked to myself in this camera and microphone last week about wanting to walk three days a week and setting realistic goals. Well, I'm here to tell you that didn't happen. I didn't walk once this week and yeah, I just, I'm gonna make all the excuses in the world guys, but it snowed, it was cold and my heart just wasn't in it. And I know I've got to get back into a routine to find something I love. So I did buy a walking pad and it got delayed of the snow. All excuses. I did buy a walking pad for 120 on Amazon and when I'm working at home I do want to start walking on that and, and when it does get warmer out, I know I will walk. But I'm just such in a rut guys. And I'm not even going to lie to you how lazy I've been the last week because of the snow. It just shut down my brain. So did not lie about that or I'm not going to lie about that. But I also bought walking pad and I bought some vitamins. I have been so bad in the past about taking vitamins like for vitamin D and vitamin C and E and all that good stuff. I really need to start taking vitamins because I think some vitamin D will help boost my energy and regulate some things, especially during the winter. I know everybody looks at me and goes, you don't take vitamins? No, I'm lazy and when they run out I forget to refill them. So I did buy some on Amazon. I bought two packs that will probably last me 120 days hopefully. And I, I just got to do it. I've got to start getting healthier. Not really. My goal is not really to lose weight. I would love to lose weight but I just want to feel better. And I know we talked about this last week but I'm just going to be realistic and honest with you guys. I did not walk this week and I did not eat a healthy meal. I will say I didn't eat fast food this week. I didn't. I ate Chinese food Friday night but that had been my first type of like fast food in a week and I do feel better about that. I'm really trying to cut out fast food and eat from home. And like, while the stuff I eat from home really isn't that healthy, it still is better for you. So that's good. Also something new this week that happened is I joined a group. Um, I actually this girl named Nella who posted a TikTok about girls in, like, Raleigh and doing, like, an empowerment group of women to do events and to uplift each other and just build community in the Raleigh area. She went viral and I ended up connecting with her. And I am a part of this group that we're going to start planning events for. And I feel really good about that. I met a lot of awesome women this last week, and at 28 years old, it shows you you're never too old to meet new friends and that there genuinely are so many amazing women out there and you just have to put yourself out there to find new friends. And yeah, it is step into her Raleigh. I posted it on my Instagram page, but I'll post it again. So if you are in the Raleigh, North Carolina area and you're just kind of learn, like, wanting to get out of your comfort zone or to build relationships and community. And when we met for, like, our planning community, she said something really stuck with me. She's like, I want the goal of this group to. You look at the end of the year and you don't recognize yourself because you've just grown so much in the best way possible. And really, that's a great goal for 2025 of me. I don't really do New Year's resolutions, but for me, I think that's going to be my new New Year's resolution, is that I want to grow so much this year and step outside of my comfort zone, whether it's to start walking, getting healthier, putting myself out there to meet new friends, advancing in my career, working on my relationship, that at the end of this year, I feel such a difference in myself with growth that I don't recognize myself from the year before. And I know I have to put in hard work, but I'm also not afraid to say that it's not always going to be peaches and cream. I have a shitty sleep schedule. I didn't walk three times this week. I'm going to be exhausted tomorrow. Tomorrow I might cave and get fast food, but I do want to try and I think that's what matters. And also while doing, like, personal, like, growth. And you know, we were talking a lot in this group about what we want to do and talking about, like, family dynamics and our trauma and mental health and, you know, there's moms in this group and, like, postpartum and stuff. There's just so many things. Things. And it really got me thinking about what I wanted to talk about this week, and I really kind of wanted to talk about relationship dynamics and what role each of us play in our relationships, whether it's with our family or with a significant other or even our friendships. And I think that's such a big topic. And I could probably talk about this topic all day long, but I was having another conversation with a girlfriend, and we were talking about how she's the oldest sibling and she's the oldest sister, and I'm the youngest sibling. I'm the youngest daughter, even though I more have the role of, like, the oldest daughter and kind of playing how our roles from childhood have really gone into roles that we play in every relationship in our lives. And I think that's interesting and important if you want to grow into, you know, your relationships. This is what I feel about my role. I am so vastly independent that if somebody tells me I can't do something, I will do it just despite them. And if I want something bad enough, I'm gonna make it happen. If I want a pair of shoes bad enough, I'm going to find a way to buy them. If I want to start a podcast, I'm going to find a way to buy the equipment, figure it out, even if it takes me years, I'm going to do it. If I want it bad enough. If I don't want any. If I don't want it, I won't do it. And I am a really independent person, and I'm always going to be the person that figures it out. And looking back into my childhood, it was really interesting because it brought up the question, was I just born independent or was it my childhood that made me independent? And I don't know the answer to that. I think it's a little bit of both. But growing up, I was always the sibling or the child that my parents basically said, we didn't have to worry about you. We knew you were going to be okay and fine. And that weighs heavy on me as an adult. There is the glass window child theory. I don't know if you've ever heard of that. And I think this has nothing to do with birth order. But basically, the glass window child theory is that you were the child that people just saw right through you and didn't think that you needed the attention or you know, help as much as your other siblings. And I definitely was that child. And it has really played the biggest role into every single relationship I have been in. I always felt unseen and unheard. I was terrified when I was younger to get in trouble. I hated school, but I behaved and I was just happy. Go lucky. I could make a joke out of anything. I only wanted to have fun. I was carefree. I was the child that craved to make people laugh and I loved having friends. And I just wasn't the child you had to worry about. I mean, I remember at six years old, I knew how to flip pancakes and crack eggs and make my own breakfast, six course meal, no problem. You know, my parents worked a lot. My mom was an ER night nurse and my dad was a police officer. So they both had really crazy careers. And I think that also plays a role into my independence. But you know, I remember like one time looking at one of my parents when I was little and saying, I'm, I'm sad. And not really having a reason why I was sad and them looking and saying, you can't be sad, you're a happy girl. And it's interesting because I think that is another thing that plays in all relationship. I have to be fine. Like, I have to be fine. I'm always going to be fine. I'm always going to get over it. And it kind of weighs on you when you get into being an adult and your parents rely on you so much, they like almost turn into your friends where they're calling you because they need something or they're venting to you because you know something's happened with the other parent or another person in the family. Like, you're the reliable one. You're the one that's going to sit there and listen to them vent and give them good solutions. You're the one that no matter what, you're not going to call and ask for help. You're going to figure it out. You're going to, you pay your own bills, you, you go through life really as it seems, always figuring it out on the outside, even though you're crumbling on the inside. And that's something I really have to work on is being able to vocalize like, hey, I'm not fine. And I also feel guilty when I tell people I'm not fine. I also feel like people don't care because if they cared about if I was okay or not, wouldn't they pick up on all the signs? Wouldn't if they really knew me, wouldn't they know that I'm not okay. And I know people aren't mind readers, but even in my friendships, my marriage, you know, my relationships with my parents and my family, I will act like I'm okay. I will act like everything's fine. If I need something, I'll be independent enough to go figure it out. And I never feel as if people can really read me or truly know me, to just go, are you okay? Are you fine? And that's not on them. That's on me not being able to express my needs to people, but also feeling like when I do express my needs to people, they're never met. And I just feel like being the independent person in relationships. No one focuses on you. And I know with friendships and even with your parents and they get to adulthood and you have your own life. You are married, you're in the house. Everyone has their own lives. We are selfish creatures. We are only focused on ourselves. We are the main character in our stories. So, you know, I always wonder and I'm always kind of jealous and envious of like, sometimes like the damsel and distress people that can't figure it out because I'm like, what does that feel like? To always have attention focused on you? And it's not a tension where I want people in the comments to be like, you're, Are you okay? Is everything fine? It's more of like, people that I'm like, really close to. Just every once in a while go, jamie, I've seen you been struggling or I see that, you know, you have a lot of things going on and maybe the weights on your world and just know I'm here and are you okay? It's nice to have people to worry about you. You know, I think that is so important to have people that truly do worry about you. I know I worry about the people close to me. I say a prayer list each night with the people that are closest to me to give him peace and comfort and strength. And I'm not saying people don't do that for me, but to have people in your life that know are going to be worried about you if something happens is so, you know, there's a quote that's like, to be known is to be loved. And I always wonder if we always we. We present these masks to the world so much of being the independent woman and fine all the time that we don't really ever allow people to get to know us fully. And on this year, in this journey of, like, growing and com, like making myself uncomfortable, I do want people to Start getting to know me more fully and not deflecting to jokes all the time, because God knows that's the easiest way for me. I crave laughter. And if there's an awkward situation or I feel uncomfortable or I'm pissed off, I'll joke. I'll joke in a freaking heartbeat, you know? And I don't know if that allows somebody to truly get to know you. And I do have to teach myself it's okay not to be independent and to ask for help, even though I don't want to. I just want people to know. Obviously, I'm a woman, but, you know, it brings the fact of, like, do or does our childhood and make us who we are, or are we born that way? And so I really thought about that a lot this week is, especially with the challenge going on on TikTok. If you're not on Tick Tock, you might have seen it on Instagram or whatever. But it's a challenge that's like, you're funny. And then people are, like, putting traumatic events in the happen in their childhood, and it really just shows that everything that has kind of happened in her childhood has made us the way we are. I mean, I could do so many trends of your funny again. I am always afraid that somebody's gonna see it and I'm gonna hurt somebody's feelings. It's so interesting. I'm such a confrontational person, and I never mind telling people how I truly feel, but to tell people about things that they did to me that were very traumatic and have scarred me and to put it out on the Internet, I'm not there yet. Which is crazy because I do put a lot in my life, But I did think of some that is like, you're funny. Yeah, I wore headgear. Yeah. That's how bad my teeth were. Okay. That shapes you into the woman you freaking are is if you wear headgear, you know, like, you're funny. Yeah. My parents used to sit outside and argue for hours, and if I went out there to ask a question, they would yell at me. You know, I mean, I could go on and on and on, but it did bring up the question about these. You're funny. And all these traumatic experiences. People were like, yeah, I used to go and pick out which switch I was going to be spanked with or, yeah, like, my dad told me to suck it up after I, like, had found out I had cancer. It's like our parents relationships we have with them really shape us into every relationship we have with any other human Being. And I put on such a front as a child of being okay and playing into that role that I still do it so much as an adult. And I don't want to play in a role anymore. You know, I am independent, I am strong. But that doesn't mean you don't need help. That doesn't mean that you don't struggle. And I know this is a more serious episode, and I don't want to do serious episodes all the time because I do genuinely think, you know, laughter is the best medicine and that joking is such a way to just get over it, because life isn't that serious all the time. But in hindsight, I want to be. What this podcast is called is authentic. It's almost like I need two separate podcasts, one with humor, one with, you know, being real and talking about real life. Deep feelings that I'm having, especially family dynamics, family trauma, my marriage, friendships. There. There's so many things. But I. Yeah, I just want to kind of talk about family dynamics. I also was, when I was doing kind of like, the research on, like, birth order rights or the birth order effect. I think it's very interesting when you're born into. You're the oldest, middle child, youngest only child. I was the youngest sister. I had. Here's from. Here's some trauma for you guys. I have an older sister. She's three years older than me. And growing up, we lived on, like, a farm in the middle of nowhere. So it really was just us to play together. And so we were really close. And then, you know, she got to be, like, a preteen, and you just. She didn't want to play with dolls and play outside in the mud anymore. And we were very different. I've never met two different siblings than my sister and I. We have always been polar opposites. She liked red, I liked blue. We had just. We were so vastly different. We don't even look alike. People are always shocked to know that we're siblings. The one thing we do have in common, we do kind of have the same sense of humor, but we were very different. And up Until I was 20 years old, I was the youngest child. And if you still were to ask me how many siblings I have, I would say one. But basically, my parents got separated, divorced when I was 14, and by the time I was 17, 18, going to college, they had legally got divorced. My dad got remarried. I. When I was 18 or 19, and I met my stepmom in February. They were married by November, and they were calling me when I Was at college in January telling me that they were pregnant. And my dad, my stepmom had my younger brother who is 20 years younger than me. So I have an eight year old brother, half brother, which I don't really ever play that into factor, especially when I was like reading about the birth order sibling because I didn't grow up with him. You know, by 20 years old your childhood's already shaped you. You know, I could definitely do. You're funny. Well, thanks. This was about. Anyway, anyway. But yeah, I. So I guess I'm the middle child, but I don't see myself as that. I see that myself as youngest, but I definitely was the oldest sister. I was the one that, you know, you could rely on me. I kind of had more street smarts. No offense to my sister. I was very like street savvy. I was gonna figure it out. She was very like book smart, very good at school. She, you know, her first word was book and I was the very opposite. But my parents still to this day rely on me so much for you know, if they need help or they need to vent or, or whatever. So I really feel like I'm the oldest sibling in so many ways, but I'm not. And then I just don't. It's so bad. But I just don't count my, my little brother. I don't see him very often. I see him about twice, three times a year if that. And I can kind of get into a whole nother story about that in my family dynamics day. But this is more about like relationships. So looking up, I was, I was looking up like birth order relationships. And it refers to the idea that a person's position as a child within their family, firstborn, middle child, last born, only child, can influence their personality traits and how they interact with other relationships, potentially leading to certain compound compatibility patterns with partners based on their own birth order, which I just thought was so interesting. And I will get to that in a second. But if you've never looked up your. If you are like the youngest, oldest, middle child, this is what it says about you, okay? If you were first born, you establish leadership qualities. You're independent, you like to be in control, you're a caretaker, you are a last born, you are easygoing by nature, like to be, you know, center of attention, like easy go looking, don't care middle child, they're very good at the mediating. They like to be more standoffish in the background. They can adapt better and they blend into their surroundings, which I thought was very interesting. And Then only child is basically they like to be the center of attention as well. Everything's about them. They don't know always how to adapt well. And you know, I resonate more with a firstborn child. So if you are a middle child, that's, that's just what this says. That doesn't mean anything. But I did think it was really interesting that they said the firstborn female pairs well with the last born son. And I feel like I relate to being the firstborn female. My husband's the lastborn son. So I do think it's something to be into. And I also think this has something to do with like all relationships. So so many of my friends are like the firstborn daughter and I feel like I can always relate to them so much with them just wanting to be in control and us being very independent and when we talk about our family dynamics, we relate and, and then a lot of my sibling, I mean a lot of my friends also are like the only daughter. And I think that kind of goes into it is like if you are the daughter that is like the most reliable, controlling, headstrong problem solver, you are the one your parents are going to rely on most in your, their older life. And I do think that gets weighing on you. I know it weighs on me because sometimes you're like, why is it always me? Why does my sibling just get off with doing the bare minimum? Why am I always the one planning the family trips? Why am I the one always hosting the holidays? Why am I always one that's going to be, you know, pick up if something goes wrong or, you know, it just, it does get wearing and it makes you feel like you have to be that way. And it's always been that way. And you always, you want to scream. It's like why can't you ask my sibling? You know. And so I think that's interesting with thinking about relationships too is that your parents put that on you that you automatically take that role in every relationship. I will do so many times I'll just do the task instead of asking help for my husband because I'm like, I'm for one, I'm just, I know how to do it. I, I don't need help. I always am the problem solver. I've always been the independent one. And it makes us get into this pattern of like not needing people and bottling everything up. And I truly think that everyone needs help. And yeah, it just goes to show that our parents relationships basically have formatted us into truly who we are. And I obviously could go on and on again like I said all day about this. But that is just like some things that I've been thinking about. And of course my best stuff comes to me at 1am this is the things I think about, guys. Truly, truly not. It's like it just is. It's so crazy that I'm doing this at 1am but I think this is going to be a better episode. I already deleted the other one so there's no going back. I'm going to post this. This is going to be the episode. I really just encourage anybody in the Let me know in the comments. This is how I want to end this. Let me know in the comments what order your birth order is. If you feel you relate to that birth order and what your partner's birth order is. Also. Do you are you the child or are you the one in the friend group or any relationship? That's the independent, reliable one. And does it weigh on you? Does it. Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be the person that no one asked for things to be the, you know, wild, carefree one. I wish I knew what that was like, to not always feel the weight and pressure of being the person, the reliable person. And I also go back and forth because I do want to be that reliable person. I do want people to call me for help. I do want to help my loved ones. It does come with a lot of pressure, but I do want to be that person and I'm learning how to kind of balance that. So any tips and tricks on that as well? And yeah, I hope you enjoyed our late night party. I am not wearing any makeup and I unbraided my hair and got out of my bonnet to do this. I have no bra. But hopefully most of you are listening from Spotify and Apple Music and if you are just know you're luckier than my YouTube people looking at me. Also, if you have not subscribed to my YouTube I post, I posted a New York blog on there and obviously Spotify and Apple Music didn't get that. I want to start posting vlogs every week along with the episode. Obviously that's a lot of work on top of my full time job, but I do truly enjoy vlogging. And yeah, I know it probably seemed like this episode was all over the place, but really it was about family dynamics and relationships and your birth order and realizing those relationships to really grow and kind of just leaning out of what you've always been and growing into somebody that you want to be. So yeah. Thank you so much for listening. I if you have any topic ideas you would like me to discuss, I know I'm going to talk about me leaving teaching soon. I just haven't done that yet because I think that's going to be like a two hour episode and I really have to write down all the points I want to make. I also want to talk about like my mom's adoption story and finding her family. I do want to talk more about like family trauma and stuff. You got a little bit of that tonight but you know just a lot of things. So yeah. And hopefully I will be doing this during the daylight, this bright ass light in my face. And thank you guys for listening. We enter February this week and thank God. Thank God. And February is a short ass month so thank God. I will talk to you guys later and bye.