← The Balance Theory
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- [00:00]
A
You need to live your life as if you'll never find love. And it's not because you think you don't need love or that you're dismissing the impact that love can have in your life. But when you stop looking for a romantic relationship to fulfill you, every other aspect of your life just gets better.
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Today's guest is a digital creator specializing.
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In all things beauty, fashion, and lifestyle.
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B
She is known for her honesty, wit, and authenticity. Joining me on the podcast today is Twinkle Stanley. You weren't serious sitting in this miserable corporate job that you were just dying to get out of. You still had a massive career pivot. What kind of led to that and actually gave you the confidence to move when you weren't really at this, like.
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A
Rock bottom, this misconception that you need to be miserable at a job in order to go for what you want. If I'm being completely honest, I've always known that I will have a big life. I had no proof of concept at that time. I didn't know what would work, but it's just that inner knowing. I've been cheated on in all my relationships. It's terrible. And it's very easy for me to look at that experience and say, oh, this is how my life is going.
- [01:04]
B
To be in a future relationship. What things are you not prepared to settle for? All right, balances. Welcome back to another episode of the Balance Theory. I have a wonderful guest for you guys today, a wonderful young lady who I'm really excited to chat with. Get to know her a little bit more. We've already been chatting a little bit before we pressed play on this episode. And so I think a lot of what we're going to talk about today is going to surprise you. It's going to interest you. So my guest today is Twinkle Stanley. Twinkle, welcome.
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A
Thank you so much for having me.
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B
It's my absolute pleasure. I know you don't do a lot of podcasts, so I feel very honored that we're sitting here today and we get to have a little bit of time with you to get to know you a little bit behind what we see on social media.
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A
I'm very excited.
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B
Me, too. So I know you started off in corporate. You had a corporate job.
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A
Yes.
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B
Now, fast forward. You're working as an influencer. You have a big social platform which has given you a lot of incredible opportunities. But what I find really interesting, which you actually just shared with me, was you weren't sitting in this miserable corporate job that you were just dying to get out of, which I think a lot of people find themselves in, but you still had a massive career pivot. You still walked away from something you had built for yourself. So. So can you talk to me about that decision? What kind of led to that and actually gave you the confidence to move when you weren't really at this, like, rock bottom?
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A
So I think there is this, I guess, misconception that people that you need to be miserable at a job in order to go for what you want. So I used to work for Cosmo and Grazia in the Middle east and I used to work as a senior content producer. So I had a super fun job, which means I used to work across all their content, video content, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube video series. I've had the incredible opportunity of interviewing celebrities. So my job used to be amazing and my social media blew up while I was at my job. So this is when I started getting all of these opportunities. And I had a very, I would say, packed schedule. Then I used to wake up at six or seven in the morning to film like get ready with me videos. And then I would go into office and I would sometimes edit during lunch break, post at 6pm so that was my routine. And I did that for a whole year before actually quitting my job. And, and the reason I quit my job was because I think when you work at a publication and you work with such incredible women, you notice that a lot of them actually tend to tie their identity to their job. Especially when you have such a great job and you're, you know, you have amazing perks, it's very natural to build your identity with your job. And I noticed that a lot of these incredible editors, even if they had an unhealthy relationship with work, they found it very hard to leave because they were tying themselves to this position and this title that they had, you know, worked so hard for. And that's not something I wanted. I wanted to build something outside of a job as well. So even if my job was amazing and incredible, I wanted to be someone outside of being, you know, working in two magazines. So that's when I used to always prioritize personal branding and posting videos on my own page. So that even if I had to walk away from this job, I had something of my own. So I only quit when I wasn't able to manage both, when I realized that I had a lot more potential with social media. The whole monetary benefits of it was a lot more beneficial. But to this day, I always say that it was my job that gave me all the information and all the knowledge and the confidence to start my own Instagram. So it's not a job that I regret. It's not something that I, you know, that I'm happy about, you know, leaving. But to this day, I still miss the job. I still miss working in that environment and all the incredible women I used to meet. But I knew my social media could give me a little bit more.
- [04:44]
B
Mm. And did you have. I mean, aside from the identity piece there where you kind of acknowledged proactively, which is actually really important. You did it at such a young age, which is amazing. But you're right. Like we do. Like, when you meet someone, for example, you're like, hi, I'm Eric. I'm a lawyer. Right. We describe ourselves by what we do, not who we are. And so I think it's really important to learn that as early as possible that you're not your job. And when you actually, if you were to take that away, who are you? Who's Twinkle? Who's left? You know? And so that's really amazing. You asked yourself that so early. Talking about, though, like, posting your first video, how long did it take you to think about that? Because, you know, a lot of people want to start a personal brand. I was just telling you it's something.
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A
Yeah.
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B
The listeners are probably like, can this girl start her personal brand? Because I've been talking about it on the show for so long.
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A
Yeah.
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B
But, you know, like, people think about it for so long. What do I post about? What's going to be my schedule? You know, you. You have all these thoughts. Talk to me about you posting your first video. How did that feel for you?
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A
So I've mentioned. I've actually shared the story a couple of times on my own socials and as well as on my own podcasts. Sorry. As well as on other podcasts I've been on, because it's quite interesting. But I've always been an overshadow. Like, I've loved talking, I've loved sharing. I've loved sharing the most intimate parts about myself on social media. And I think it has to do with the fact that maybe in my childhood, I probably never felt heard, like, in my family. So maybe social media just became that outlet for me. And when I used to, like, way before I blew up, I always used to share my thoughts on my Instagram stories. And I would get a lot of, like, feedback from my guy friends who would tell me about how their friends find me annoying. So that. That was the thing, you know, they would. We would sit at a dinner table and they'd make fun of my IG stories. And then I thought, you know, I'm getting like so annoyed with this. I don't want this to be a conversation all the time. So why don't I post it as a reel? So instead of people having to tap through, they can just scroll through my videos and if they find me annoying, you can just like one scroll and you know you're done. So that's how I posted my first ever video. And it was a silly video. I was just talking about my mom and how I used to be grounded, and I posted that and it just went viral. I think within over a period of a week or two, I gained nearly 15, 13 to 15,000 followers. And it just changed everything for me. And talking about what to post, that is where everyone gets stuck, right? But what we need to understand is that you're never going to know what works until you post every single thing, right? So if you have. If you want to talk about five to 10 things, you don't have to choose one who is actually sitting and watching and who is going to obsess over your socials. No one is doing that. Right? So you need to post what comes to your mind. And when you do it over and over again, when you are consistent for at least a month, you'll have enough data to know what works, what doesn't, what do you enjoy? And you can take it from there. And if I had to choose a niche, like that's the advice that's given to creators all the time. You need to choose your niche. You don't have to choose your niche. If I had to choose my niche, I would have probably clo, you know, closed all doors for me. I would have maybe had to choose fashion. But I'm not passionate about fashion enough. I don't care about makeup enough. I don't care about talking about the corporate life enough. But for me, I started talking about things that just came into my mind every single day. And that would be maybe about dating, maybe about. About my mom, maybe about boys, maybe about cleaning my house. And every single day it was something new. And that's what people resonated with. It was not because I spoke about one specific topic, but it's because they were interested in knowing my thoughts. So I'm glad I didn't listen to this advice of you have to choose what you need to post because you'll figure that out.
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B
I think in a way it's almost true to say, like, your niche chooses You.
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A
Yes.
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B
And it's also fair to say that your niche is you. Right. We think that, like you said, we have to fit so, like, perfectly into this. Yeah, I'm a fashion person, I'm a travel person. Like, that is a lot of the advice going around. But really, you as a person, and I actually say this a lot when people ask me about podcasting. You know, there's so many podcasts, like, how am I going to stand out? I said, you stand out by being you. Like, you listen to a podcast, yes, they have interesting guests, but generally, if you're committed followers, because you like the host, you like how they hold conversations, the same thing when you're following creators. Right. So I think that's a nice way for people to not feel they have to box themselves in. But now I'm interested. So we. You were just talking about how you didn't want to, you know, your identity to be your work. Now your work has changed and it is social media. Do you find you're not falling in that same trap of social media is your identity like you're an influencer and that's all you do and who you are, you're not falling in that trap because it's so authentically you, or do you still consciously have, like, other outlets outside of that now being work?
- [09:22]
A
To be honest, the reason why social media has been been really easy and fun for me is because everything I share is genuinely so me. And a lot of people who I meet or generally when one of the questions that they get asked is, oh, I'm so afraid to, like, share my authentic self, like, how. How do you do it? But for me, being myself on social media is the most comfortable that I've ever felt. I feel like when it came to my corporate job, I feel like I had to put on this phase naturally. Right. You have to be professional. You have to keep everyone in mind, or even if you're meeting someone on a coffee date as well, whatever it is, you're always. I'm always putting on this mask. Whereas social media is that place for me where I have just been the most honest, vulnerable version of myself. And I find that so liberating and I find it so enjoyable. So what you see on social media is my identity. I don't really tie myself to my numbers too much just because I'm aware that social media is a game of relevance and I could be completely irrelevant in a few months from now. So I don't tie myself to it. I don't internalize hate comments. I Don't internal negative comments. Sorry. Positive comments as well. So even if someone comes up to me and says, you know, I find you so inspiring, you have no idea.
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B
You're.
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You're like the it girl to me. Okay, that's very sweet. I'm not going to internalize it though, and I appreciate the compliment. But I'm not going to think I'm the it girl or I'm super inspirational because someone said that to me. I think that way about myself because I look at my life and I look at all the wonderful things that I've done and I. I find myself inspiring for those reasons. So I don't tie myself to my numbers anymore. I think I tie myself to my habits, to the relationships that I have, the friendships that I have, what I do for my family, how I think about myself. Like, that's where I drive the most. I would say, like, identity from.
- [11:01]
B
Have you always had that approach? Because that approach is not, you know, unique to what you're going through. I think if everyone had that mindset of my value is tied to my relationships, the love I have in my life, the things I do, you know, everything you just shared versus what I do. Is that always a way you've thought about yourself or is that something you've learned, kind of moving through this new career?
- [11:24]
A
I think I've always seen others tie their identity to something. It could have been a relationship, it could have been a job, it could have been something outside of themselves. And to me, that's really scary because you could lose these things and what are you left with? So the thought of tying myself to something else is scary to me because I always want to feel, you know, to feel whole on my own. But I guess this aspect of identity, it comes from the fact that I was in a 7 year long relationship from the time I was 13 till I was 20.
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B
Wow.
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A
It was a long relationship. And that was my first. That was one person that I tied my identity to. So when that relationship ended, I actually didn't know who I was at 20, 21. I had to look back and think, who am I outside of being this person's girlfriend? So that's when I started working on myself. I started making friends and I derived a lot of happiness from, you know, piecing together, like, parts of me. And that was my friends and it was the way I spend my days. It was the fact that I love photography and I like being able to build that identity outside of like one whole thing, like one specific thing. But since then, I've always been. I've always, you know, derived my confidence just from the way I am. And I watch a lot of podcasts. I watch a lot of videos as well, and I like the way I get inspired by it. So if, for example, I got into the gym last year, so that gave me a lot of confidence. So now my identity is, oh, I'm someone that cares about my health. So I like being able to build those things and stuff. Like a job or a relationship, it can go away anytime, and then you have to start from scratch. And that is just terrifying to me.
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B
Do you have any, you know, you hear a lot of people that have affirmations or they journal. Do you have any habits that help you sort of keep those things front of mind for you, the way you feel about yourself?
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A
For me, I guess one of the things I do very often is I do gratitude journaling quite a lot. I do gratitude journaling. And I'm also really. It's not necessarily a habit, but I'm also really good at rejecting people's opinions of me. And so even if someone tells me something, I'll give you an example. So just recently, I was seeing this one guy who ended up having a girlfriend, okay. And I posted a story on my close friends, and I was like, yeah, guys, this man was cheating on me. And I've got cheated on in a lot of my relationships. But I had a few friends of mine respond to it and say, oh, my God, you have the worst luck. Like, why does this happen to you? And that is something I do reject, and I do correct them and say, I don't have the worst luck. I'm actually really lucky. So let's not. That should not be the, you know, the phrase that we use. How lucky am I that I'm able to find out something so soon and not waste my life? So I think grounding has a lot to do with rejecting people's opinions of you. And you have to constantly keep, you know, shutting the noise. So that's how I have, I guess, a strong sense of identity, and I don't let anyone tell me otherwise. And. But in terms of habits, I do gratitude journaling a lot. I'm always writing all the things that I'm grateful for every single day. Like, I'm so grateful, and I always find something new to write about. So I don't just write about, oh, I'm so grateful that I had food. I talk about. I'm so grateful that I went to a mall and I had the freedom and the money to Buy food. So just like tying things like that, I. I think that helps me a lot. But I also do a lot of vision boarding. I do. I make Pinterest boards all the time for the life that I want. And I do have affirmations, maybe on my phone. If you look at my wallpapers, all my wallpapers are affirmations. And I constantly tell myself that I'm the luckiest girl in the world. So when you have such thoughts, it generally helps you, I think, more than attract opportunities, I guess, notice opportunities and go for them.
- [14:56]
B
I'm glad you made that distinction because I too have gone through a similar journey. And I think if there were two versions of me experiencing exactly the same day, one was having negative thoughts or telling, you know, I have the worst luck. Those kinds of thoughts versus I'm the luckiest girl in the world. Or actually, I actually tell myself that I'm so blessed because I think luck implies that things just happen to you. But I think being blessed is like you're worthy and you're deserving of those things. So I think if you had the exact same day, you would have a very different experience just based on the way you contextualize things in your life. So it's not. I always used to think you've just. Just kind of open my mind with something. I always used to think this is my mindset and I need to reframe the way I'm looking at it. But I didn't realize that a part of that is actually rejecting a lot of external things that come to. Because it's very easy to grab onto something and say, oh, yeah, I do have the worst luck, or, oh, yeah, my hair isn't that great, or whatever. You know, I can't think of anything right now but to not only reframe that, but say, I'm actually not going to accept that as part of my reality, I think is really important. Something a lot of people struggle with. Any words of wisdom for people who are like, I think a lot of people would be wanting to step into that, but also feeling at the same time like it feels like I'm lying to myself. Any kind of thoughts around that?
- [16:15]
A
I think a positive mindset is. I think it's very easy to say, oh, you just need to have a positive mindset. But it truly is a muscle that you have to practice and exercise. And if you're a very negative person, you. You can't go from someone that says, oh, I'm, you know, I'm so unlucky to I'm the luckiest person. But the best way to slowly reframe your mindset is by coming to a space of neutrality first. So you don't have to think you're the luckiest person, but you can think. Okay, Everything has a purpose. I'll figure it out. So if you're someone that's super negative, just try being mindful about what you're telling yourself. Because when you look at everything with negativity, then you're constantly a victim and you're constantly a prisoner in your mind, and that is such a sad space to be. And just this example of you have the worst luck. Right. I've. I've been cheated on in all my relationships, and it's terrible. And it's very easy for me to look at that experience and say, oh, this is how my life is going to be. And then it's just such a hopeless way to look at life. But when I had this conversation with my friend and he said, you have the worst luck, I had to tell him, no, I. That's not the worst luck. The worst luck is if I stayed in that. And I actually got married to this person. But how kids with that person? Yes. But how amazing that God protected me from this. I, like, I always think of it that way, which is, I'm so lucky that God protected me. I'm like, I'm literally his favorite child. So that's the kind of stuff that I tell myself, because the other way, like, thinking the other way is just a very dangerous place to be.
- [17:43]
B
Yeah.
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A
You'll never grow from it. You're. You're always going to think, you're always going to look at your life as this one miserable thing. And I, I hate that thought process. I want my life to be fun and chill, and a positive mindset just helps me deal with it.
- [17:56]
B
Yeah. And like you said, like, if you're a victim, then you're the furthest thing from feeling in control over your life. So feeling like you have any power to determine what happens. And again, if you were the same person going through the same day, the victim versus the person who is neutral or contextualizes things to say, lucky that happened to me. Very different experience. And I think the beauty is you can pull yourself out at any moment. And I think that's a really tangible tip, what you just said. Cause it's often such a big gap to go from, I'm so unlucky, worse things happen to me, to, wow, I'm so blessed and everything's amazing. Sometimes that's just not feasible. Even you know me, I have a very strong mindset. I work on it constantly. But I have bad days too. It's just life. Sometimes you can't flick the switch that quick. It's coming back to neutral, I think is actually a really good like halfway. Halfway step.
- [18:46]
A
Yeah.
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B
Let's go into relationships a bit more. So you shared something that made me think of something way back in my past about being in a relationship. Albeit it wasn't a seven year relationship for me. But I was still young, I was 17. It was about a two year relationship. And it was one of these experiences where that was that became my everything. Who I was, what I did. Like, you know, I completely shut off my friends. That became my whole life. And when I came out on the other side, I had that same like, well, who am I? And felt like I had to rebuild from scratch. Now that experience taught me what I don't want or need in a relationship. So then when I met my husband, it A lot of things made sense. For example, when we started dating, he would have his, his time with his friends and he would encourage me. You go out with your friends or we would go out and a random guy would on me and he wouldn't do anything about it. Like he would just like laugh and he would say, that's a compliment for me. If somebody's hitting on you, like it's harmless. Like, what am I going to do? Like punch a guy in the head? But my previous relationships, they were really defensive and it was like, no, this is everything, who I am, like, that's just the way it has to be. So being with him became really refreshing because it was like, wow, I'm actually my own person. And then we come together and we have something together. I didn't understand that until that point. And I think you go through life to experience different things. But what I want to ask you is in a future relationship for you, what things are you not prepared to settle for? Or what things do you want? Like what do you envision for yourself, Effy?
- [20:20]
A
So the way I. I read this post actually about this, which I found very interesting and it changed my perspective on love and relationships. And it basically said that you need to live your life as if you'll never find love. And it's not because you think you don't need love or that you're dismissing the impact that love can have in your life, but when you stop looking for a romantic relationship to fulfill you, every other aspect of your life just gets better. Because I See, a lot of girls and women who wait to meet their partner to do something, and they're constantly waiting for something to happen to celebrate, or they're waiting for their partner in order to travel. Like, they're always waiting for something to happen. And it brings this. This sense of unfulfillment in your life. So the minute I made the decision about two years ago to live my life as if I'll never find my partner, I have found love in so many avenues. I found love in what I do, in my friendships. I have found fulfillment in everything else. So that's the way I live. So I don't. I'm not against a relationship, but if I do get into one, I think what I would want is utmost clarity. Like, that's the biggest thing. Right. I can talk about, well, he has to make money. I can talk about how he needs to get me flowers and date nights and everything. But ultimately, what I need is clarity. Where do I stand? Who am I? Who am I outside of this relationship? And where do I stand in this person's life? And that's what I've never gotten in any situ. Like any of my relationships. I was always very confused. And when you confuse, when someone leaves you in this place of confusion, it takes the focus away from you. And that was literally the recent situationship that I was in. This person was so vague with his words and with his actions that I was literally low on energy for a whole month. I couldn't get any work done. I would be so distracted. Like, I. It was almost as if my mind was no longer, like, in my body. It was so weird. And the minute I cut it off, that's when I knew this is not healthy for me. Because I'm a very driven person. I'm very focused, I'm efficient. I'm great at what I do. But during shoots, I'm zoning out, so. And I noticed that pattern, and I realized that I'm not able to focus on this because he's taking up too much of my energy. And that's not good. I think the right person will just bring me back to myself all the time. So that's when I decided to cut it off. And that's one thing I wasn't willing to compromise on, which is, how much of my life do I have to sacrifice? How much of my mental space am I sacrificing to accommodate this person? So I would say clarity and just focus in myself. I'm not willing to compromise on that.
- [22:51]
B
Yeah, that. That advice in and of itself is not relevant, like just for romantic relationships, but I'm even thinking friendships. Right? You often have people specifically that zap your energy. You know, you spent time with them, you just feel so depleted versus I could be so exhausted from my day and hang out with my girlfriend and just feel like I've been recharged, you know. So noticing how you feel is actually a very undervalued part of working out if someone's aligned for you or not. It's not, do you like eating the same things or do you have the same aspirations in life? Those things are important, but on an energetic level. I'm very much like that too. It's like, are we vibing on the same wavelength here or not? Yeah.
- [23:28]
A
And I think your body, especially in a romantic relationship, your body tells you everything that you need to know. And it's so important. And I'm learning this now because I've been single for three and a half years. So when I'm dating now, I look at my energy because what I've realized is that you can analyze a person's characteristics and his behavior and you might not see anything wrong in it. But how do you feel in your body? If you feel exhausted, there is something that's wrong. And leaning into my intuition is something that I've been actively practicing this. How do I feel in my body? How does this person make me feel? How do I wake up with energy? Am I sacrificing on sleep just to speak to him? So these are all things that I pay attention to now. And I feel like it's guided me a lot. Like, even with this person, I saw nothing very wrong with him, but I was constantly low on energy. And then I found like a few days later, I posted a video talking about how I was in this situationship and I was analyzing him as a person on this YouTube video I posted. So I was analyzing him, I was basically explaining things that he said, why I think it's problematic and why it could be perceived as me overthinking. So I analyzed it from an emotional as well as a rational perspective. And I got a lot of comments saying, twinkle, you're just too guarded, you're overanalyzing, you're too self aware that you are, you know, you're not letting go of things that you're not in your flow state. And I would reject that. Again, that's something I. I read those comments and I knew, no, I'm not. I'm not going to ignore what I feel in my body, no matter what people Say, I'm not going to ignore it. And then the day after I post that YouTube video is when someone messaged me and she said, hey, I think we're speaking about the same person. Because whatever you described is, is, you know, it's the same thing. And I find out that this person's, you know, been seeing someone else for four months. So you don't always have to have all the facts to leave a relationship or to know where you stand. Sometimes your body tells you exactly what you need to know.
- [25:16]
B
I think that's with anything, right? Like you. Sometimes you just feel like something's wrong. Oh yeah. And as women, we have that dialogue turned up a lot more. Yes than men. I think biologically it's probably helped a human race get to where it is. But to actually lean into it in a world where, you know, we do have corporate jobs, which are very even still today when I practice law, it's very masculine energy. And that doesn't. I love, I love being in that energy. It makes me productive. I'm doing a lot of things. I'm a communicator, I'm a leader. Like in that space, it is masculine energy. And so it's, it's coming back to maybe not what you're doing every day, especially if you're doing that all day, every day during the week, it's coming back and being able to reground yourself so you can tap into that as you need to. But it's often like a hard one to balance. Right? Like, at what point does logic play a role? Would you say that that feminine, intuitive, how you feel in your body rules over everything? Like over logic all the time?
- [26:14]
A
I don't think so. But I also think what happens in the current world is that we are so. We're constantly distracted, right? Through our phones, we are distracted. With dating advisor, we see friendship advice that we see, we are mindlessly scrolling all the time. We have so much dopamine that's being thrown at us and it distracts us from our intuition, it distracts us from alignment within ourselves. So I think where intuition and gut feeling comes into play is you don't have to act on it immediately, but just be aware of it and don't dismiss it. You know, that's all it is. So even like I was telling you in my video as well, what I had done is I brought up, you know, specific situations. I mentioned how I felt and how I could be wrong, but I'm not. I wasn't dismissing my feelings, saying, oh, I know I'm definitely overthinking because I'm so traumatized so that this is my mindset. I just listened to my body and I would write it down like, this is how I feel. I could be wrong, I could be overthinking. But that awareness is really important because I think the more you dismiss everything you feel and by within a few months, you don't know who you are anymore, you don't know what you want, and you've completely lost connection with yourself. So I think just being aware of it and then based on that, you can make logical decisions. So I know situations where I have been emotional, I am aware of it, I know how I feel, I acknowledge my own feeling. And then I decide, okay, do I want to give into this feeling or do I want to ignore it? But I'm at least aware of that feeling because in past situations that I've been in, I have completely dismissed my gut feeling over and over again to a point where by the end of, let's say, a situation or a relationship or whatever it is, I don't know what I want anymore. And that is years and years of telling myself that I'm overthinking or that I'm just overly emotional or that I'm irrational. As women, I don't think we're irrational. I think we are very much tuned into our emotion and we just have to find a way to lean into it and let that guide us or let that make us or help us make logical decisions using our emotion. I don't think it has to be one or the other.
- [28:10]
B
And I think leaning into that, you know, sometimes when you think, oh, this decision is going to make sense to nobody except me, when you realize that it is based on your own bodily sensations, your own intuition, like, nobody can see that. So it really doesn't matter if it makes sense to anybody else, as long as it's aligned for you. I just had a thought. So your career is obviously all online. You've said it. It's come very naturally to you. You love sharing online. As a consumer of social media, do you. Do you spend a lot of time consuming social media?
- [28:40]
A
I do, and it's actually really unhealthy. I'm not proud of it. I have a very high screen time and that is something that I'm actually dealing with now. Like, my screen time is super high. And whenever I tell this to people, they're always trying to make me feel better by saying, yeah, but this is your job. But I also know this is. This is Just my addiction to Instagram and TikTok, but it is something that I'm actively trying to get out of. I've also been watching youtub YouTube videos on brain rot and how corporations use distraction as a way to control you. I mean, this is a whole other topic. I've just started reading about it or, you know, watching videos on it. So I don't know a lot about it, but I think watching these videos, it's bringing me some kind of awareness. So it was a video that was posted actually by Matt De Vella. I don't know if you know him. He's this. He's this productivity expert and podcaster, and he had done an interview with the guy who invented Endless Scroll. So let's say a few years ago. Sorry, I know we are tangenting. Like, we're getting.
- [29:35]
B
I love tangents.
- [29:36]
A
So a few years ago, he had invented the mindless scroll or the Endless scroll. So back in the day, when we wanted to move from one page to another on a website, right, if you're reading an article, we had page breaks, which is page number one, page number two. So by the end of page three, you're aware, okay, you're aware of how many pages you've read and you know when to stop. So he removed that one feature and he said, why don't we just scroll endlessly so people can read as much content? And it was that one feature that he removed which impacted endless scrolling, TikTok algorithms, and now we don't know when to stop. So let's say five years ago, Instagram was a fun place of connection. Now, if you ask anyone, do you actually enjoy Instagram? They don't. We hate how it makes us feel. We hate the fact that we have no control. So I'm in that space now where I'm just, you know, reevaluating my own relationship with social media, not from a work perspective, but as a consumer. And I'm actively trying to change that.
- [30:29]
B
I wonder if you, like, you know, everything you just talked about, your intuition and leaning into your body. I started doing that with social media because I was wasting a lot of time on it. And it's really interesting if you start doing that and curating your feed to a point where everything you see, like, there's a first step here, which is curation, right? And making sure what you see makes you feel good. It's stuff you want to consume, whether it's, you know, I think social media has a place of entertainment. We don't have to say we're never gonna look at memes ever again because it's brain rot. Like I think there is a place for entertainment, but it's curating that number one and number two, then controlling that in a way where you're like, you know what, I'm gonna give myself half an hour to scroll and be very disciplined with an intentional with the use, those things really helped me because it can really like drag you in. And you know, there's a lot of conspiracies on why social media exists, who owns social media, what it's trying to do to larger society. You know, you hear things, don't quote me on this guys. But like you hear things like China created tick tock and they actually don't let anyone in their country use it. Or you know, things like conspiracies like that which do make you think what's the wider agenda. But look at the end of the day, it's a tool that's given people like you a whole career and a whole wealth of experiences. It's something that can be so entertainment, entertaining, it's a place of connection with others. But when it comes to, when we really zoom out and think about us as consumers, right. We've spoken about mindset, about creating a life you want, about being positive. This is such a central thing that we can't ignore in our day to day life. And it's interesting for like as you as someone who has a career on social media just like everybody else, like you're a consumer too and that the other side of that is still the challenge for you. So that's interesting.
- [32:19]
A
It's a huge challenge for me. Like I honestly don't like how addicted I am to Instagram and TikTok. It's now so easy to swap between apps. It's so easy to just scroll. So they've, they've even removed like typing with keypads. They remove all kinds of friction so that we get sucked into this hole of distraction. So yeah, I was just watching this video and I found it super interesting.
- [32:42]
B
Yeah. And they say as well, like the way apps, phones, the way the addiction is sort of curated is they look at people who sit in casinos like the poker machines and you know, like the slot machine, how it kind of keeps going and going and going. There was some sort of research done to see what hooks people to do that and continue using that. And then that was inbuilt into the way we use social media. You know, think of like the way we scroll on the phone. It's really crazy. But I think, you know, this is. This is a podcast where people listening, already interested in self development and self awareness. But I think if you've not turned your mind to what you're consuming and how you're consuming, which I think is more important, I think that's a big thing to start giving yourself more time and space, leaning into your own intuition and really working on your mindset, like just. Just by just controlling that one thing, I think can have such a ripple effect. Yeah.
- [33:34]
A
And also even ChatGPT, for example. Right. And I was struggling with ChatGPT because I started relying on it a lot. And what I noticed is that I would always feel like I was getting a lot of knowledge from it because I asked one question and ChatGPT would send me like 10 points and then ask me, do you want this next? And what do you want to know next? So I always had this false sense of gaining knowledge from it. And I watched another video on this which said that, which basically spoke about how in our mind, we actually register information by implementing it or by trying hard to understand. So, for example, if I'm interested in learning a topic, right. I actually registered in my mind by learning about it and by being curious and by struggling to understand that that phase of struggling to understand is how you understand a topic. Whereas with ChatGPT, when you ask a question, it is so simplified and they give you this overload of information that you could be speaking to ChatGPT for 30 minutes and by the end of that whole session, you still gain nothing from it. Yeah, you retain no information. So that's another thing that I'm, I guess, focused on is just to stop relying on ChatGPT so much. Or even when I use ChatGPT, my one of my prompts is, do not overload me with information. Just tell me yes or no or tell me what I need to know. Don't give me more information. And that's helped me understand, like, topics a little bit more. So it's just so many ways, I think, in which we are encouraged to be distracted and be overloaded with information, but none of us are actually learning. None of us are actually using our brains. And we have to be aware of that.
- [35:08]
B
Yeah, it's like keeping us in the middle of all this noise and chaos, but, like, what's actually moving the needle in terms of who you want to be and what life you want to experience? I remember reading this stat, and it was like, the amount of information you experience in one day is more than what, like, cave women and men would have experienced in a whole lifetime. Like, that's how bombarded we are. Like from advertisements when you're driving down the road to notifications on your phone, to ads on socials, to anything. Right. You are bombarded with information that's like millions times more than what the human brain was evolved to cope with. It's no wonder we're so exhausted. It's no wonder we feel we don't have time. So having an intentional detox with those things is like very important. Have you tried using the phone limiter? The time app limiter?
- [35:58]
A
Yeah, but I'm so bad.
- [35:59]
B
You just click ignore.
- [36:00]
A
I just, Yeah, I just click ignore limit for today and then it's done. Yeah, you know, but what I'm trying to do now, which I think has helped me a little bit, is when I want to, want to relax, I just watch YouTube videos instead. So yes, it is still screen time, but at least the content isn't as jarring or as stop start. Yeah, exactly. You know, and you know you're getting into like a 15 minute video so you're not jumping from one topic to another. So I think even, like I said, you can't change from like how I said, you can't go from positive, from a very negative person to a very positive person. You need just to come back to neutrality. So I'm replacing some of my short form content with long form content and then over time I should be able to reduce it. I'm, you know, I'm very realistic about the fact that I can't bring my screen time from 12 hours to 2 hours. So I might as well replace what I'm doing with those 12 hours and then I will bring it down to maybe 10 or maybe 9. And then over a period of the Next, like within 12 months, I should be able to have a healthier relationship with my phone.
- [36:56]
B
Yeah, we'll, we'll do a check in in 12 months. My brother actually just on this last point on this, he's currently trying to work through his phone addiction and he said that he was reading and apparently put. You can put some filter on your phone that basically almost desaturises. Yeah. It grayscales the phone so you're not bombarded with colors and it's just less, it draws you in less. So that's another tip for anyone listening to try if that's something that they're focusing on.
- [37:23]
A
Yeah. You basically desaturate all the colors and it's not as like enticing to look at.
- [37:28]
B
Yes.
- [37:28]
A
Even if you look at kids, right? Because I have a niece and I see what she watches. So she's addicted to YouTube shorts, shots and even the way YouTube shorts is in the videos that they watch. So they would, instead of watching one video now, like the first half the, the top video is probably someone playing with slime and the second half is a conversation between two people. So even that is so addictive where you're not showing one video, you're showing two videos simultaneously, which is over loaded with colors and movements and noises. So the fact that even young, like younger children are addicted to this, like this is how you start their addiction. Or even the fact that notebooks are now replaced with iPads. And we know the benefits of writing. We know how it helps us retain information. It helps us understand the reason why we script or the reason why we write the same thing over and over again is because it helps us learn it better. But that's now been replaced with iPads. So it's just so harmful and it's a little bit depressing like when you really think about it. But I think awareness is, is a great place to start.
- [38:30]
B
Yeah. I mean obviously kids and tech use is something I'm very interested in at the moment. Having, you know, just a four month old baby and thinking about do I intro her to tech, at what point, et cetera. But one thing that's really interesting is if you look at the shows and the movies from when we were younger, right. The scene lengths, they're decent, they're like 10 seconds long. Whereas now on the shows they switch every three seconds like a reel. And I remember watching this scene and it was talking about how, I'm not gonna say what TV show, but it was a kids TV show. Basically before they launch an episode, they'll get a few kids to troll and watch it. They'll put on like a David Attenborough Natural Geographic like just plain animal screen. On the other side, they'll put on their show their episode. Every time the kids attention diverted from the show to the plain Animal Geographic display, they would put in a cut or a clip or a sound or an effect, right. So they, they do it to keep you hooked. It's no different to adults, but I think it's really harmful. When we start, we don't, we don't have that lived experience. You know, I'm 30 or 27. When we were younger, tech was just coming out. Even like phones was later in high school. So we, I think our brains had the chance to develop.
- [39:46]
A
Yeah.
- [39:46]
B
And practice concentration away from this type of world. But even that I find versus when I was at uni to now, I can't concentrate the same way I used to. So. So it's really something to be very aware of, whether you're a creator or a consumer. I mean, we're all consumers at the end of the day. But I think it just shows you how much time you do waste on it and as well, how it makes you feel is really, really important.
- [40:10]
A
Yeah.
- [40:12]
B
I have an interesting question for you. Based on what we've discussed, I'd really actually be curious to hear what you have to say. Do you think success is spiritual or strategic?
- [40:22]
A
So I am a spiritual person, but I also like to think I'm strategic. And so I listen to a lot of creator podcasts. I love it. I love listening to their success stories. And one common point that I've always heard in all of these podcasts is how a lot of creators have known from the beginning that it would happen for them. So I've seen even like Emma Chamberlain or Best Dressed Ashley. These are some of my favorite YouTubers, how a lot of them have have, you know, used to make videos from the time they were 10 or 11. So they would do it for 10 years before something works out for them. And is that strategy at 10 years old or is that like a spiritual knowing? So that is the way I look at success, which is a lot of people have an inner knowing that they're meant for a big life and that helps them push through periods of nothing happening. And for me personally, if I'm being completely honest, I've always known that I will have a big life and that I will have everything that I want. And I don't know how to explain this feeling, but from uni as well, whenever we would talk about where do you want to work? Like, people would tell different companies, and I would say, I want to work at Vogue. I want to do this. I want to, you know, make my own YouTube channel. And I had no proof of concept at that time. I didn't know what would work, but it's just that inner knowing. So I think spirituality helps you be strategic and just keep chipping away until you get what you want. But if you truly believe that you're not meant to be successful, if you don't have that inner knowing, you'd never put in the action in the first place. And I think anyone who's watched, like, who wants to get into social media, you have to watch creator podcast because it helps you really understand the mindset of creators. Like, they will always say, I used to make videos since I was nine years old. I would always sit on my computer. I would always enjoy this. And it's because I think they knew that someday they will be able to share their stories to lots and lots of people. And that's, I think, an inner knowing.
- [42:13]
B
And maybe that's just like a case of they found their passion or what was authentically meant for them in this life earlier than, say, somebody else. But that's not to say you can't, you know, as well, find it later. But yeah, what I think is interesting about this, and I'll be honest with you too, like, I've always known since the day I started this podcast, it's going to be a top five household name podcast. And so that you're right, it does help me get through people like, you know, how have you done it for five years, every week without missing a week? For me, like, I didn't start it to do it for three years and, and sell it as a business, or like, I didn't start it to make money. Like, I started it because I'm so passionate about having conversations. It's something I've always done. And I have that inner knowing which helps you pull through moments when nothing's happening where you maybe doubt yourself, where you feel like it's plateauing, because that is life and it's all a part of the journey. What's I think interesting is I would argue that everybody has an inner knowing, but it's a story they tell themselves about what that means. I, I have this inner knowing, but that's not possible for me, or I have this inner knowing. And, yep, I know that's just gonna happen one day and I'm just gonna keep chipping away. I think we have the power to tell ourselves a story about what that inner knowing means for us or not. And I think everybody has that inner voice, you know, what do you think?
- [43:30]
A
I think for some people, you might have that inner knowing, but it's possible that you interact with people who are maybe too realistic or who don't support you and their opinions about you can affect this inner knowing. Like, for me, with, you know, when I was growing up, I have two older sisters, they are all like, they were really good at studies, really good at everything that they did. And I was a little bit on the lazier side when it came to my academics. And my mom would always compare me to them and say things like, you don't study like them, but you still get 85%. So everything happens to you so easily. So why don't you just start working harder? So from a very young age, I started believing that I don't have to work hard and success comes to me. Whereas for my sister, my mom would empathize with her. She was always really good at what she did. But what my mom would tell her is, you want work so hard, but for some reason, things don't work out for you, that it works out for her. So my sister started developing this belief that no matter how much work she puts in, she doesn't get what she wants. And, you know, I think that just the dialogue that my mom used to say, it's affected us in different ways. For me, it's made me delusional that, oh, I don't have to work hard. Everything just comes to me. For us, for my sister, it's the opposite. So I think even if you have that inner knowing, the people that you grew up with and what people tell you can also affect. Affect that inner knowing and affect the way that you approach money and wealth and success.
- [44:49]
B
100. It definitely will cloud your interpretation because your beliefs are basically adopted from your parents when you're growing up. You know, the way they think and feel about money is likely the way you think and feel about money. You know, unless you've gotten older and sort of painted that for yourself. Yeah, really, really interesting conversation here. I think at the core of it is people do have the power to create the life they want. That's something I became really interested in learning about many years ago. As I was telling you before, it always really inspires me to just hear how people think about what they do, because often on face value, you could see someone, their content, their business, their career, you think that's who they are. But what I love doing is stopping to question, like, what the way you think and feel about yourself and how you actually got to that point. So I really want to thank you for, for coming on the show, talking to me today, sharing a little bit about your mindset, the way you think and feel about the world. And, yeah, it's been really, really nice getting to know you.
- [45:53]
A
Yeah, it's honestly been a very interesting conversation because whenever I go on podcast, yes, we talk about social media, we talk about, you know, that side of it. But I think it's been very interesting to also talk about the spirituality and, like, the mindset behind it. And, yeah, I really enjoyed this episode as well. Thank you so much for having me.
- [46:08]
B
No, you're welcome. We should do a part two next year and we can retouch base for his accountability on your social media as a consumer. And I'd love to hear of all the amazing opportunities that continue to come your way so easily.
- [46:21]
A
Yes. Thanks Twinkle thank you.
- [46:24]
B
If you guys have loved this video, don't forget to give it a like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes. The holidays are coming and I've got.
- [46:43]
A
A Boost Mobile gift just for you.
- [46:45]
B
Aww for me? Anna? Yes Anna, you deserve a gift. The Boost Mobile unlimited plan is just $10 a month for the first two months, then $25 a month forever with unlimited data, talk and text. It's a gift. Thanks Anna. Anytime Anna the holidays are here and the best gift is for you. Offer valid@boostmobile.com after your first two months you'll pay $25 a month unless you go online or call to cancel. Requires autopay.