The #1 Habit Keeping You From Achieving What You Want | Chantale Ishac

Summary

---

Podcast Summary: "The #1 Habit Keeping You From Achieving What You Want"

Podcast: The Balance Theory
Host: Erika De Pellegrin
Guest: Chantal Marie Isaac
Release Date: December 14, 2025

---

Episode Overview

In this deeply insightful conversation, Erika De Pellegrin welcomes back Chantal Marie Isaac—internationally recognized addiction specialist and founder of Brain Spotting—for her third appearance on The Balance Theory. The episode dives into the psychological roots and neuroscience of people pleasing, how it holds us back from setting authentic goals, and offers practical strategies for overcoming limiting beliefs and coming home to your true self. As the year draws to a close, Erika and Chantal discuss how to use self-awareness, boundary-setting, and self-compassion to break the cycle of self-abandonment and set meaningful, sustainable intentions for the year ahead.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining People Pleasing and Its Biological Origins

• People pleasing is self-abandonment, not self-sacrifice:
  "The action of people pleasing is when I'm doing something or saying yes to something that authentically within I don't really want to. And it's not self sacrifice, it's self abandonment."
  — Chantal (00:00)
• Biological roots:
  This behavior dates back to early human survival—pleasing authority figures (initially, parents) was essential for care, shelter, and inclusion in the tribe.
  "If we did not please our parents, they could leave us under a tree and move on... We have ingrained in us as a survival skill guilt and fear of abandonment to say no."
  — Chantal (00:28, 07:56, 10:05)
• Modern day redundancy:
  While once essential, these patterns now often keep us in cycles of inauthentic agreement and can block our growth as adults.

2. The Cycle and Cost of People Pleasing

• Boundaries metaphor:
  Chantal uses the metaphor of boundaries as fences around a house, ranging from nonexistent (no fence) to overly rigid (prison fence), with the ideal being a healthy, flexible "white picket fence" (06:05).
• Sequence of people pleasing:
  Saying yes when you mean no → lowering boundaries → feeling resentment → avoidance → broken relationships.
  • Example of "Mark the plumber" illustrates how guilt/fear drive an inauthentic yes, leading to consequences much greater than the initial discomfort of saying no (07:48).
• Key emotions:
  • Guilt: “I feel bad if I say no.”
  • Fear: “What if they think I’m selfish?”
• Important insight:
  "By saying yes to somebody else, I was saying no to myself."
  — Erika (11:09)

3. The Fine Line Between Kindness and People Pleasing

• Checking your driver:
  The key difference lies in your motivation. If emotion is driven by guilt or fear, it is people pleasing. If you have the capacity and the desire, genuine kindness is present. "What are your boundaries and what is your capacity?"
  — Chantal (13:03)
• Self-awareness:
  Regularly check in—are you operating out of a desire to connect, or out of obligation and guilt?

4. Why Understanding People Pleasing Matters for Goal Setting

• Contaminated Goals:
  "If you're in this pattern, your goals for 2026 are going to be contaminated by decisions being swayed that are not really what your true goals are...There's a lens of possible self-abandonment."
  — Chantal (16:14)
• Window of Tolerance:
  A recurring concept—when people are in the "fawn" (people pleasing) response, they operate outside their optimal emotional window, with the prefrontal cortex offline. Real, value-based decision-making becomes difficult (16:14–17:48).

5. Addictive Patterns and High Performers

• High achievers and addiction:
  Driven people may have increased dopamine needs and a lessened tolerance for discomfort, which can fuel both achievement and people pleasing (18:50).
• Dopamine hits:
  Saying yes for approval becomes a quick-fix dopamine rush but ultimately undermines authenticity and capacity.

6. From Limiting Beliefs to Expansion

• Subconscious blockages:
  Most mental barriers to expansion are not conscious; they're trauma-based, subcortical beliefs. "They feel real...It can feel like there's a physical wall inside."
  — Chantal (20:52)
• Working through the body:
  Chantal explains using bodily awareness: find where there is more space or breath, focus there to expand your window of tolerance (20:52).
• Value clarification:
  Coming home to your deepest values enables authentic goal setting and prevents self-abandonment. "In Arabic, we say 'into little pieces,'... I'm not cutting myself into a million pieces... I'm whole, and then, you know, the right path."
  — Chantal (22:41)

7. Practical Tools for Overcoming Limiting Beliefs

• Naming and mapping beliefs (30:19–35:04):
  • Identify the core belief (e.g., "I'm not enough").
  • List the related emotions/feelings.
  • Map thoughts that come up when triggered by this belief.
  • List resulting self-sabotaging behaviors.
  • "When you have this on paper...you'll see how absurd it looks and you'll look at how these behaviors are absolutely ridiculous. But in the moment...these thoughts feel very true."
    — Chantal (33:35)
• Reverse engineering behaviors:
  Identify the behaviors needed for your goals, then work backward to establish supportive thoughts and emotions (34:12–34:37).

8. Normalization of Discomfort When Growing

• Everyone feels it:
  "People may look at me externally and go, oh, she's so confident....But I swear to every single one of you, I felt nervous when I was doing it....So I want people to know that's normal."
  — Erika (35:05)
• Biological unfamiliarity:
  The brain craves the familiar. Growth is inherently uncomfortable and will feel unsafe until it becomes a new normal (36:02).
• Imposter syndrome & freeze:
  If fear paralyzes, use body-based self-regulation to return to action—find areas in the body that feel safest, focus attention there to increase capacity (38:22).

9. Windows of Tolerance—Capacity for Emotions

• Origins & flexibility:
  Tolerance is shaped by genetics, upbringing, trauma, and life experience. You can build resiliency and expand your capacity by practicing regulation and self-compassion (39:12–41:34).
• Seasons of life:
  Tolerance fluctuates; understanding your changing container builds self-awareness.

10. Rapid Fire: Key Takeaways and Action Steps

• Label your emotions:
  "Start labeling your emotions. No, they're not you. When you give it a name, it gives it space."
  — Chantal (43:06)
• If you feel stuck:
  Write down what you believe is keeping you stuck and try mapping it out to gain perspective (43:52).
• Common pattern:
  Self-abandonment and giving away pieces of yourself is the most prevalent destructive pattern among high performers (44:11).

---

Memorable Quotes

• On authenticity and boundaries:
  "By saying yes to somebody else, I was saying no to myself." — Erika (11:09)
• On people pleasing as survival:
  "We have ingrained in us as a survival skill guilt and fear of abandonment to say no." — Chantal (10:05)
• On labeling emotions:
  "Start labeling your emotions. No, they're not you...You can even call it Fred." — Chantal (43:06)
• On self-abandonment:
  "Self abandonment is giving away pieces of yourself, not realizing it, which is adding things to your cup. And then it's like, I feel like I'm breaking down." — Chantal (44:11)

---

Key Timestamps

• 00:00–03:16 — Chantal defines people pleasing as self-abandonment, not sacrifice
• 06:05 — Boundaries: the “house fence” metaphor
• 07:48–11:09 — Example sequence: people pleasing, guilt/fear, resentment, avoidance
• 13:03–14:39 — Kindness vs. people pleasing, self-assessment
• 16:14–17:48 — Why authenticity matters for goal setting and the neuroscience behind survival states
• 18:50–20:52 — Addictiveness in high performers, dopamine, capacity
• 20:52–24:34 — Limiting beliefs, body-based expansion, importance of values
• 30:19–35:04 — Practical exercises for busting limiting beliefs and breaking patterns
• 36:02–39:12 — The normalcy of fear when stretching comfort zones, freeze response, physical regulation
• 39:12–41:34 — Emotional window of tolerance and how to build it
• 43:06–44:11 — Rapid fire tools & most common client problem: self-abandonment

---

Conclusion

This episode offers a powerful exploration of the roots, costs, and methods for overcoming people pleasing and self-abandonment. Chantal and Erika provide nuanced, practical advice for reclaiming your authentic self, setting boundaries, reframing discomfort, and building both awareness and capacity for the emotional growth required to achieve your goals. With hands-on tools and compassionate guidance, listeners are encouraged to approach both self-reflection and goal setting through a lens of self-compassion and honesty—so that 2026 (or whenever you’re ready) can be shaped by your truest values and desires.

---

Recommended for anyone who wants to break through what’s holding them back, cultivate confidence, and build a truly balanced, fulfilled life.

Transcript

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

The action of people pleasing is when I'm doing something or saying yes to something that authentically within I don't really want to. And it's not self sacrifice, it's self abandonment. Meet Chantal Marie Isaac, an internationally recognized addiction specialist for high performers and founder of Brain Spotting.

[Erica]

Mina.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

She uses neuroscience based therapy to decode your nervous system, break patterns like people pleasing and guide you back to your authentic self.

[Erica]

Can you talk to us a little bit about what people pleasing is?

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

The reason we do it is biological, but it's become redundant. Back in the day, if we did not please our parents, they could leave us under a tree and move on. So we have ingrained in us as a survival skill guilt and fear of abandonment to say no. And then when we have the capacity to feed ourselves, that's when that guilt and that fear of saying no naturally starts to dissipate. A lot of us don't get the memo.

[Erica]

Why is something like this important for people to think before they sort of sit down to think about what 2026 is going to look like for them.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

There'S a lens of possible self abandonment. It's not really what your true goals.

[Erica]

You really know what you want. You have that clarity, but you have some annoying, limiting beliefs. Any sort of prompts for that? Oof.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Okay. There's a technique I teach my clients to do and that's where they.

[Erica]

All right, balances. Welcome back to another episode of the Balance Theory. I'm really excited because joining me not just for a second time, but a third time today is a very, very treasured person in my life. She's someone who's taught me so much and she's still, still someone I have the pleasure of seeing on a regular basis. I'm really grateful for everything you've taught me and all the wonderful things you're doing in the world. So, Shaun T, welcome back to the show.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Thank you for having me. Beautiful. Erica, I love and adore you.

[Erica]

Oh, I appreciate you. I'm excited to have this chat today. As you know, this is our last episode of the year. And so listeners, people, everyone watching this is really moving into that end of year season. And I know this can be like a really frantic time, but generally what happens and I'm for myself. Anyway, once that crazy season end of year rush winds down, we really start getting into a reflective mode. We start thinking about what we did or didn't achieve this year. We start repositioning ourselves for the new year. And I think we're going to have a really cool conversation today about how to understand a little bit more about ourselves from a neuroscience point of view and have some practical tools to actually help us work through this sort of transition phase. One of the things we were sort of talking about on the way here is coming home to yourself, like your authentic self. And I think that that's such a beautiful place to start our conversation. Because when we're goal setting, it's really important to know that's coming from a version of you that is really authentic. Otherwise we're chasing things that are maybe misaligned. And I think that's when a lot of things don't happen or, you know, we get caught up. So to kick things off, I want to start with something that I think a lot of people struggle with today and I think would be really interesting to shed some light on before we sort of talk about goals and expansion for 2026, and that is people pleasing. You've taught me so much about this topic. Listeners know this is something I've personally struggled with. So can you talk to us a little bit about what people pleasing is?

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

At its essence, it would be a pleasure. So with people pleasing, it is a survival response. So with our survival responses, you have your fight, your flight, your freeze, your fawn and your feint and fawn is people pleasing. And with people pleasing, there's a bit of a sequence that happens when we people please. The reason we do it is biological. There's a biological imperative to people please. But it's become redundant. And I'm going to explain what that means. So first I'll start with the sequence. So what is actually. What's the action of people pleasing? The action of people pleasing is when I'm doing something or saying yes to something that authentically within, I don't really want to. This is not something I actually want to do. And it's not self sacrifice, it's self abandonment. It's not, oh, you know, I can give that up. It's actually going against what your true wants and needs actually are. And there's. There are two emotions that are actually driving it. One of two emotions that are driving it. That's how we know it's people pleasing. And there's an another layer as well, the two emotions. I'm gonna tell you at the end of the sequence, okay, a bit of a reveal. But when I people please. When I say yes to something or I do something I don't actually want to do, the next part of that sequence is I'm lowering my boundaries. So I'm Lowering boundaries. There's no lowering of boundaries. That's not people pleasing. But I'm lowering my boundaries.

[Erica]

Can you give us a quick example?

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

I'm gonna go through the sequence, then I'm gonna give you an actual pretend example of what it actually looks like. So what are boundaries? I'm going to give the metaphor of a house and fences. And I'm also going to swing to a concept called the pendulum. So we as humans have a tendency to pendulate. We will go from one extreme to the next extreme until we land in the middle. So, for example, I might be very, very sedentary. And then I realize that's not working for me. I'm getting on fear, I'm getting unhealthy. So I might swing to the other, other extreme. And I become obsessed with working out. And then I realized that's not healthy either because I'm putting much too much stress on my body. And then I land in the healthy middle. Do the same with maybe I'm eating very unhealthily. And then I'll be jump into fad diets until I land in the middle and I just eat nutritious foods, et cetera. With boundaries similar, if I have low boundaries, imagine my body is a house and there's no fence and people are just taking what they want from the fridge, walking in and out as they want to. I have no say over who's entering the house and what they're doing doing in the house. The other swing of the pendulum extreme, very, very high boundaries is there's a prison fence in front of my house. It's threatening, it's intimidating. There's barbed wire, it's electrified. You're not coming anywhere near me. They're both extremes. The middle is your.

[Erica]

White picket fence.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Yeah. Your cliche white picket fence. Thinking the word cliche, I was joking to Erica that I'm going to forget words today because I, I skipped my ADHD demons this morning so I could sleep properly. So I will be forgetting words and she filling in for me. So the white picket fence in the middle, it's a clearly defined boundary. You can have a conversation over the fence, it's not threatening. And if I choose to, I can open the fence and come in. So that's boundaries. When I'm people pleasing, I'm the first example. There's no fence, people are coming into the house, etc. What comes after having low boundaries is then I actually might as well just play this out. It's resentment. I really wish I could draw this and show you guys. So I'm going to give you. After resentment comes something else. But I am going to actually weave in an example to make this more understandable. I'm going to use my brother as an example. Love you, Marky. I'm making up this example. Don't worry, hypotheticals are hypothetical. So he has a plumbing company and I want you to imagine that he goes to work, comes back from work, he is exhausted and then he gets a call from a cousin of ours and says, mark, can you come over? I have and I know that you're a plumber, so if you come to my place in the spare room that we don't even use, there's the spare sink, it's not working, can you just fix it? It's a worry in the back of my mind. I'd really appreciate if you come over. Now Mark knows that he needs to wake up super early. He's going to be at that said cousin's house on the weekend and you can probably have a look at it then. It's not urgent, but you know how I mentioned there are two motions that fuel us to people? Please, can you. You know what they are? So it's not like you're really guessing. You want to tell us what they are, Erica?

[Erica]

I'd say guilt.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Yeah, that's one of them.

[Erica]

I think that was my main one. So that's the one that stuck with me. What's the second fear?

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

So Mark will probably be thinking, look, if I set my boundaries, I'll say no, I'll come on the weekend. But there are two emotions that are going to mess with him. He feels guilty saying no, I feel bad if I say no. Or, or he feels fear. Oh, what if he thinks I'm selfish? What if he thinks badly of me? What if he judges me, et cetera. And because he doesn't have, I guess, tolerance for these emotions, he'll lower his boundaries and he'll say okay, coz I'll be there in 30 minutes. So he lowers his boundaries, he goes there, he does the job, he gets home really late, he gets barely any sleep. The next morning he's exhausted. That's where it then leads to resentment. So he might then see that said cousin at a family function. He looks at him, can't stand that guy. Just no common sense. Why would he even ask me to come over? He knows I'm gonna be there on the weekend. On a conscious level, he thinks he has resentment towards that said person. But unconsciously, subconsciously, he's actually resentful towards himself for not having asserted a boundary. And that form of self abandonment there, what that then leads to, because it doesn't end at resentment, it then leads to the next sequence, which is avoidance and then a broken relationship. So then he'll start to avoid that said person because I don't like him, and then he breaks the. It's a broken relationship. So a really good way to look at it is in the beginning, if I'm trying to avoid temporary discomfort by saying yes, it's actually leading to a ruptured relationship. So I'm stuffing that relationship up. Whereas if I can sit in the discomfort of maybe they'll be upset with me, but they'll get over it, I'm actually protecting the relationship. So this is where I'm making a decision to protect, but now to kind of complete that whole thing on people pleasing. Why do we have those two feelings? Why is it a biological imperative? When we're born, not in this era, but back in the day, if we did not please our parents, they could leave us under a tree and move on. So we have ingrained in us as a survival skill guilt and fear of abandonment. To say no to mom and dad when we're young because they need to feed me and provide me shelter. And then when we have the capacity to feed ourselves, hunt our own food, build our own shelters, that's when that guilt and that fear of saying no naturally starts to dissipate. And that's what we see as teenage rebellion. For example, there's a sense of self, there's a sense of confidence. It's like, oh, I can, I'm not afraid to say no. A lot of us don't get the memo and we continue into the rest of our lives with the fear, with the guilt. I can't say no. They might not like me, they might not accept me, etc. So when we can see where it comes from, we go, oh, okay, that was there for a reason a gabillion years ago. Now it's redundant. So feeling these feelings is normal, but feelings have no brains. I don't need to listen to these feelings. It's natural that they come up. But I'm not going to listen to what they're saying because they're not based on fact. And then it's getting to the fact again. I can deal with the discomfort.

[Erica]

And like when you by extension that sense or need, the primal need of belonging, then you can see why it extends to friends, people, you know, work. Because by virtue of that, you know, needing to Belong and please your parents is also community. You know, we used to be tribal people and belonging to a community was literally life or death situation. So the reason I love this and I never ever ever forget this is really changed my relationship with the way I was doing things because it made one thing very apparent to me. By saying yes to somebody else, I was saying no to myself. So every time a situation comes up where I have a choice and I have that feeling of I don't really want to go, but I feel like I have to, I feel like I should, it's an instant shutdown for me of do I say no to them or my. And I should always be choosing myself over other people, obviously without harming others. But it makes it complicated, right? When it is this primal need and it is something you feel and it is a way maybe you have historically fit in to the circles you're in. You're. Oh, you know, I'll tell you now, my, my father in law for example is the most beautiful human I know. But he is that person that's like call him and he's a yes man. Like he, he's just so kind. He just does things for people. So for people like that who genuinely are so giving with their time, they're genuinely so kind, what is sort of the barometer to be like I genuinely actually want to help this person and it's coming from you know, a wanting place rather than like I feel like I need to and I can't get out of that loop. Like what is the difference there? Because I think people, I have a very optimistic view on society. I think people are very kind and generous, most people anyway. So what is the fine line? Without going too far into I'm just always doing what's right for me all the time and being very self centered in that regard.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Yeah, and I love that question because it can be a fine line where people can use self care as an excuse for selfishness and it's not the same thing. And that's why I tried to make a bit of a distinction between self sacrifice not actually being the same as self abandonment. Because if you're looking at someone that's very altruistic, very kind and it doesn't necessarily mean they're people pleasing. So how do we know one's people pleasing and one's not people pleasing? What is your capacity and what are your boundaries? So if I'm looking at for example, how many clients am I going to see a day? I know what my capacity is. If somebody says oh Shanti. But can you fit me in? And I know that. Oh, but that means I'm not going to have dinner or I'm not going to have my break, et cetera. And it's not a life or death scenario. Then here I am people pleasing because I'm going beyond my capacity and I'm lowering one of my boundaries for self care. I need to have dinner, for example. So this is where. Am I crossing a boundary? Am I exceeding my capacity? There are going to be times in life where we need to exceed our capacity. It's life. But is this a pattern? Is this something that you know is irregular? Am I feeling exhausted at the end of the week? Have I only been thinking of others all week and not checking in with myself? So it is a lot of. It's also self awareness taking time to check in and going where is this coming from?

[Erica]

From?

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

And he's actually just popped in my head the, the discerning factor of what's the emotion driving it? Is it fear or guilt? That's a very easy way to discern. Am I feeling guilty or am I feeling fearful? And then you're not coming from the right driver.

[Erica]

Yeah, that's not authentic. That's not an authentic emotion. And the reason I love the way you explain this to me anyway and for the reason I wanted to talk about it today is because it's not to say that once you understand this like I have many years ago, you magically don't feel guilt or fear. Fear ever again. But what it does is it gives you that awareness. So now when I get invited somewhere by someone I've known for a long time, but I really just genuinely don't want to go because weekends are for family time and I feel guilty for saying no. I have that awareness and compassion for that emotion but it gives me the confidence to say no. It's not that I don't feel those things. It's just slowly, I think over time the awareness expanded my tolerance for those emotions because the compassion piece came in. So I don't want anyone listening sort of thinking this, this sort of sequence is something you can. I guess you can break out of it through awareness. But it's not to say that these emotions will abandon you for life.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

100 because they have a role to play. 100 and feelings are our friends and we always treat them with compassion but we don't let them drive the bus. So it's that analogy at the beginning of that section where your body's a bus and what can happen is Our emotions and our thoughts can be behind the steering wheel taking us where we do not want to go. And here we can't kick them off the bus. They're going to stay in the bus, but they can sit in the back.

[Erica]

Yeah.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

And then you're driving.

[Erica]

Yep.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Yep.

[Erica]

Why is something like this important for people to think about or bring their awareness to before they sort of sit down to think about what 2026 is going to look like for them?

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Because if they're in this pattern, if you're thinking about your goals for 2026, it's going to be, I guess, contaminated by decisions being swayed that not necessarily. Oh, it's being. Involving other people. But again, there's a lens of possible self abandonment. It's not really what your true goals are. So it is looking at, hold on, where am I lowering my boundaries to appease or because I'm afraid or I might feel that I might be excluded from a community or a society if I actually set boundaries or, or say no or don't do a certain thing or do something. Actually, it may not even be about not doing something. It might be about doing something. Maybe somebody wants to be an artist and they're afraid that in that community that it will be looked down on because they have to become, I don't know, a mathematician. I'm really bad at examples, whatever it might be. So if you not if you're in a place where you are people pleasing, you're stuck in a foreign response. It indicates that you are. And this piggybacks on our last podcast. You are outside your prop time window of tolerance. And if you're outside your window of tolerance, you're in a survival state. You're in fawn, which is not coming from your authentic self. Because if you're in fawn, again, throw back to the last podcast means your prefrontal cortex is offline and you're in your survival brain. So your decisions are not going to be coming from what your real values are. Your decisions are going to be coming from survival.

[Erica]

Yeah, makes sense. You know what's just popped into my head. So the reason. And just sort of to refresh anyone's mind, I'm going to link the two last podcasts we did as well for people to go and digest because there's just so much good information in those. But it's reminding me of. Because you basically do coaching for high performers. That's like modules that you run. And high performers have addictive personalities. More often than not, they're addicted to achieving and Doing and successes, et cetera. Is there a correlation with addiction to people pleasing? Like is that a possibility? I'm just thinking, I know a lot of people that listen to this are very driven. They are interested in self awareness. That's why they're still listening as of this episode. You know, they're interested in this type of content. Is there a distinction to be made with wanting to achieve and do things and then that correlating with people pleasing and sort of breaking that apart? I'm just trying to think of like goal setting for the new year and where we might want to be looking out for some like red flags, I suppose.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Okay, that's such an interesting. It's quite a complex question actually because if you look at an addictive personality which if somebody is high performing, they are more likely to have because they're more dopamine driven. So it's like giving the dopamine and with the people pleasing, there can be a quick dopamine of going, oh, just do what you like. And then that's a feel good. But it could also be, if a person has possibly an addictive nature, a smaller capacity for them to actually handle the discomfort. So they might fall into a survivor survival state, like Fawn for example. But the smaller capacity, the reason that might be there, what I mean by that is there could be a higher likelihood of trauma and trauma creates a smaller capacity. But trauma can also fuel why a person is pushing beyond as well. So it's quite complex. I've tried to give you, I guess, three different answers in one. So yeah, there can be. And also impulsivity can also be there. So something that's impulsive, they can be looking for a quick dopamine hit and then there could be trauma that gives them a limited capacity to actually assert their boundaries.

[Erica]

Yeah, definitely makes sense. Let's kind of pivot now because obviously a lot of what you do is breaking down patterns and helping you understand the neuroscience. But you do also really beautiful work. And it's in the realm of expansion. It's about expanding what you actually do want. It's about, you know, pushing your mental boundaries and limits. And this is all really exciting stuff to me. I think once you, you know, go on the journey of really understanding yourself, then when you can tap into an area of expansion that that is a really untapped and open ended potential of where that journey can take you. And so in light of sort of sitting down to set goals for 2026, what have you seen as some of the common mental barriers that pop up for people when they are trying to expand and push themselves. Like, from a neuroscience point of view, what do we often come up against? What's normal?

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

This goes back to probably our first podcast. Limiting beliefs is usually that what comes up as the blockage, not something real, not something physical, but they feel real. They will feel very real because the entire body and system will feel that it's real. And it can feel like there's a physical wall inside and we can't go beyond it, which is in terms of limiting beliefs. They are. Keep using the word trauma. They are traumas and they're subcortical. They're subconscious. The person's not aware of it. But the really cool thing with expansion work is you don't need to know what your blockages actually are. If you want to envisage where you want to go and you don't even know where to start. For example, that's where you can go to your body. And you can start with, for example, where do I feel like I can breathe a bit more in my body. And you go there because. And the reason I'm getting a bit. What is she talking about? We're talking about this, why she's talking about the body. There are nerve endings through your entire physiology. And these nerve endings connect to your spine, go up your spinal cord, go into your brain. And that's where all your limiting beliefs also live as well, in that subcortical brain. And if there's a region in your body, because we can feel our bodies, we can't feel that part of our brain that you feel. There's more space, that you can breathe a bit more there, it's a bit more relaxed. Just sitting in that region is going to give some space in that region of the brain. It's going to light up that neural network where there's more space, which to get nerdy, creates more room in your window of tolerance. And then if you want to have creative ideas, more expansion of what do I actually want? There's a larger likelihood of having light bulb ideas of where you want to go when you're in that space. And if you already know where you want to go and you just feel.

[Erica]

Blocked.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Book a brain spotting session. And that also is on the same premise of finding networks in your brain, in your system that have more space. And usually what happens, I keep bringing back to trauma. What is blocking you will then come up and leave. So it's like imagine you have like a narrow. I give a really crass example, which I'm not going to give on your podcast. So I'm going to use the esophagus as an example. Okay. You have a narrow esophagus, you've eaten something, you got stuck, so there's no flow, there's a blockage, and there are techniques we can do, which is like expanding the size of your esophagus so then the food can move and then there's flow through there, and that's what expansion is. But, but another thing I would say, and I mentioned this on the drive here, is coming back home to yourself is knowing who you are and what your values are. And this also goes back to the fawning and the people pleasing. If I come back home to myself and I take time to go, who is Shanti? What's important to me? What are my values? What are my deepest values? And then I have a look at how am I living each one of those in my life at the moment and where am I sacrificing self abandoning those values to either conform to either fit in, or for any other reason. When I look at that and I address that and I keep coming back home to myself, then goal setting comes very naturally because you're being the best version and the healthiest version of yourself, and you're not. In Arabic, we say into little pieces, which means I'm not cutting myself into a million pieces and trying to help the world by dispersing myself. I'm bringing everything back, I'm whole and then, you know, the right path. Does that make sense?

[Erica]

Yeah, yeah, it's. It's actually a really nice way to look at it. And you're not the first to mention values as a starting point on the podcast. And I actually think it's a really nice exercise. Admittedly, when I did it, it was a bit overwhelming because there's like so many values, you know, when you can take it, but it's like pick 50, then pick 20, then pick 10. And narrowing it down is actually really difficult. But it's a very good exercise if you've never done it, just to understand what fits within your worldview and therefore what should, you know, sit in your framework of what you allow into your life and not. And I think that idea of trying to get into an authentic place before you go set, whether it's something as simple as feeling calm and safe in your body all the way through to working with a professional to unpack your beliefs or your traumas or whatever is, is, is necessary. Because if you're creating from an inauthentic version of yourself, then what you see in your reality is relationships that are attracted to a version of you that's not you. And the second you stop being that version, which is highly likely because you can only upkeep an inauthentic version of yourself for so long, then things start falling apart and it feels a bit like the world is lifting from under your feet. I think though, for. Let's talk about people who are maybe sitting more in that limiting beliefs. It's things that they mentally feel blockages with. Are there any just sort of reflective questions you can share that maybe they can just start thinking about, irrespective what end of the spectrum they sit on, that can maybe just start pointing them to how they can come home to themselves or how they can identify what is inauthentic in their lives.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

What'S stealing their peace. So, for example, if somebody is having a limiting belief and it feels very true to them, that in itself is going to give them some form of a distress or disturbance in their system. It's robbing their peace. So that's where you can say, oh, there's something here that doesn't belong. And if you're able to name it, so what is the belief and what is the emotion? And I'm being quite mindful the way I'm describing this, because if this is something that is quite large for a person, it can feel quite engulfing. And it's very difficult to do this on your own. And you actually do need somebody and it may not be a professional, it may be somebody near you who's just very irregulated. And their limbic system is very calming. And our limbic systems attune to each other. They calm each other. So if you're around a really calm grandmother, for example, you're going to have more capacity neurobiologically to reflect. If you are on your own and you have these really big things, you are a side window of tolerance. It's incredibly difficult to heal alone. We are herd animals, we heal in community. Big things. I would say there isn't much you can do solo. For big things, the best thing is to realize your feelings. Slash, Emotions, sensations and thoughts are not you. There are things going on within you and they do pass. That will give you a bit more stability in knowing, okay, if I'm feeling engulfed by this, it will have a wave shape and it will pass. So knowing that it's not permanent, knowing not to believe your thoughts or the beliefs, knowing that the feelings can't kill you, they might Be uncomfortable, but they will pass. But in terms of healing them, we really do need each other. We need calmness because it's who is. Who are we attuning to? Are they giving us more capacity or are they adding more noise in our system?

[Erica]

And that's actually a good call out. Like, that's really what a therapist is like. Of course they have the tools and the education, but they are a regulator for you. And I think that's why, like, if people have tried speaking with someone before and felt like it hasn't worked out, it could just simply be a case. It's like a misaligned match, I suppose, for your nervous system or like even personality fit. Right. I think that working with someone that really attunes to you is. Is really important. And I've, you know, everyone listening knows I've. I've worked with you, and it's been one of the best things I've invested in for myself personally. But I think that is an important disclaimer because often things are too big for us to work with on our own. But if it is sort of something you can workshop in your own space, it is invaluable to do that before you're sort of mapping out what the next few phases of your life look like. And I'll ask you again in a moment, just for, like, little things, because obviously this is for big things only. But I do want to just mention one thing quickly. I know I framed this episode as, you know, we're winding down for the year and then we're going to be gearing up for the next year. I do also think it's okay not to take January as, like, I'm going to set my goals for the whole year. Like, if you're feeling like you're just moving through some things and you're just getting by and you need to sort of land, that's okay too. Like, you need to meet yourself where you're at. And it's not. Our bodies aren't robots. They don't reset every January. So I do want to say this with a grain of salt. You can always come back to this episode whenever you're ready to go set. Don't feel the pressure that it has to be this massive reset every year. Sometimes you just roll over and you want to, you know, keep bubbling along and doing what you need to do. Whenever you choose to sit down to goal set, whether it's January or later, let's say you're dealing with little things, little blockages, and you really know what you want. You have that clarity, but you have some annoying limiting beliefs that are like just keeping you where you are or making you doubt what you want for yourself. Any sort of prompts for that specifically?

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Yeah, I can do. I can give like a little exercise that they can.

[Erica]

We love exercises.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Okay. So if you are aware of what that core belief is that limiting belief is, and usually our behaviors indicate what they are, so we can have a bit of a guess.

[Erica]

Can you give us an example?

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

I was going to ask you, could you give me an example?

[Erica]

Oh, okay. Or I'm just thinking of like moments you might self sabotage in even like a small way if you. Or even like people pleasing. Right. You're saying yes to someone because you don't feel that what you want to do is enough. Right. So I'm not enough could be a limiting belief.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Yeah. Okay.

[Erica]

That's the first one that's come to mind.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Yes. So I'm not enough. I'm not allowed to have my own opinions or even sense of self with the I'm not enough. What emotion would be attached to that?

[Erica]

Like worthiness or lack thereof?

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Yeah. Yeah. So with our core beliefs, there's a meaning, there's a story, then there's a feeling or an emotion connected. And I think in the last podcast we explained what they were so they can go back to it.

[Erica]

And I really want to dive into it again. But if you, if you're really interested on limiting beliefs, definitely listen to our.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Previous episode and then you'll understand what we're about to say. So if you can identify what it is and it's going okay. I notice that whenever I have important meetings, maybe I end up getting really sick or stuck in traffic or running late or whatever it might be. And then it doesn't end up working out. So it's an I'm not enough because it might take me to that next level in my career or whatever it might be, or if I'm in a really loving relationship and I end up doing things that are just going to sabotage it, being really snappy, not giving quality time, things that I know are going to harm the dynamic. So whenever I feel that I'm enough is appearing, I end up sabotaging that I'm not enough. So we can use our behavior stand. Okay, I'm going to give you a really, really easy one as well. Every time I hit a six pack, I go back to having a one pack. So it's like, okay, I clearly have a core belief that I'm not deserving of A six pack, whatever it might be. When you identify what it is in the middle of a page, draw a little circle like a Pokemon ball. Put a line in the middle. In the first half write what the meaning is. And then the bottom half write what the feeling or emotion is. And then we're going to do a little bit of a, of a brain map, mind map. And then we're going to come up with what are all the thoughts that pop up whenever we have this limiting belief come up? Is it no matter what I do, it's not good enough? Is it everybody's better than me, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, Etc, write down these thoughts. Then from these thoughts do another little arrow. What behaviors is this going to lead me to from these thoughts? So for example, I'm not going to get anything I want, so it might make me not actually even attempt to achieve things. So I'm not going to take the shots that I should be taking. If it's everybody's better than me, then maybe I'm going to withdraw and not socialize, et cetera. So what are the behaviors that will then lead from these thoughts, etc. And then when you have this on paper, if you can cover the thoughts and just look at the behaviors that are now arising from that core belief, and when you do that, you'll see how absurd it looks and you'll look at how these behaviors that are stemming from this core belief are absolutely ridiculous. But in the moment when we're having these thoughts, these thoughts feel very true and they lead to these behaviors. So this again is creating a bit more separation in not believing the story that's going on here. The emotion is what comes up first. And then it's going to create stories to try to validate it, and then it's going to influence how we act. So when we are aware of it, we can see in front of us this is, this is silly. And you will feel like a goofball and that will help you break it.

[Erica]

I wonder if using this exact exercise, we could reverse engineer and say, what are the behaviors I need to achieve what I want, want. I. E. I need to be confidently pitching myself regularly. I need to be going to networking events. What are the behaviors I need to be doing to be achieving my goals, stemming in from that, then creating the thought and the emotion. Could we reverse engineer that as a way to work out where we need to be?

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Definitely. And then you can start doing that if you don't feel blocked from doing that and try and push through. And then if something does come up that is a blockage around it, you then manage the blockages that comes up, up. So if it's, I need to be more confident in meetings, then you realize when you get to the meeting, the anxiety flowing through your entire system, it's going, okay, I need to deal with the anxiety. And then it's finding tools to regulate the anxiety. And you still do the confidence in the meetings, even though you may not be feeling it. And then your body will catch up.

[Erica]

Yep.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Yeah.

[Erica]

So interesting. So we've worked through sort of limiting beliefs, blockages that come up. Let's say we've moved through that, we've set our goals. We're now pushing ourselves in the new year. What on a neuroscience level is going on when we are starting to push ourselves outside of our comfort zone? And I'll just give quick context to this question, because over the last five years, I've really pushed myself in doing a lot of things I never thought I would do. And people may look at me externally and go, oh, she's so confident. She does all these things. But I swear to every single one of you, I felt nervous when I was doing it. I felt the fear, I felt the discomfort of I'm outside of my comfort zone and I have never been here before. And so I want people to know that that's normal. And I think no matter who you aspire, whoever are your role models, they all felt that as well. So I kind of want to normalize what that looks like. So people don't feel like I'm not worthy of this or I'm not ready for this when it does happen.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Yes. And the imposter syndrome as well. The brain craves familiarity. It feels stability with familiarity, but we don't grow there. So whenever you do go to the next chapter or an opportunity arises and you meet it, you're going to feel scared. Every part of you, your brain has no map, it has no reference point. So it's not just limiting beliefs, it's also biology. If we throw limiting beliefs in the mix, they can also arise. Then, like, oh, no, am I going to be judged? People going to think that this or that about me? They're the cheeky little monkeys. But if we move the cheeky little monkeys aside, fear is there because it's not familiar. And if biological, biologically, it's like, this is not familiar. I don't have a map, I don't have a reference point. And then when time passes, we're building those neural networks of going I can do this. This is familiar. I know this place. I've done this before. And then that will dissipate.

[Erica]

Yeah. It's an important distinction because I always love sharing sort of the analogy. You look at someone who has achieved something that you want, let's say, and then maybe yourself. And maybe you're comparing the two, which is something we all do. Comparison. We shouldn't, but we fall into it. We're human. And I think often we feel there's some massive gap between what this person has done that has achieved what you wanted and yourself. And I always say, like to give the visual that you have someone who has fear and lets us stop them. Maybe that's where you are now. And then you've got the other person who has fear, which is the person that you've seen achieve what you want, but they've taken the action anyway. And I think just reminding yourself that that is a primal thing that pops up. It's such a comforting thing when you're going along the journey of trying to push yourself. It reminds you that it's not that you're misaligned or on the right, the wrong path, it's just that you're actually pushing yourself. So I've coming back to like stories you tell yourself. I anticipate it when I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone. It doesn't feel any better or more euphoric in any way. It's still scary as hell, it's still uncomfortable, all those yucky feelings. But it's now a symbol that I am pushing myself, that I am growing, rather than it being this, oh, I'm not good enough and I shouldn't be in this room, you know. Yeah.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

And if they do pop up, you know, they're little gremlins and you don't listen to them shaky monkeys. You give them love, you give them compassion. But they like little toddlers having a tantrum.

[Erica]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Yeah. And if somebody is doing that, Erica, where they're at a place to go, their next step. But they feel the fear, but the fear actually freezes them. They're not able to take the next step. Then neurobiologically, they're in a freeze response and they need to increase their capacity and they can do that with a body resource, so they can scan their body. Where do they feel the calmest in their body relatively. Or there's a bit more stillness or quietness there. It's not as I can't breathe. They can focus on that a bit. They can. I'm Going to use a little technique in brain spotting that they can actually use where they can use their visual field and look around and see where they feel more breathing space just with their eyes and then focus on that body part. And that just gives them a bit of capacity to come out of freeze and move forward as well.

[Erica]

Just quickly can we touch on tolerance for emotions? I find this interesting how we all have different tolerance windows, as you call them, which basically means your capacity to experience different emotions. Where do, where do those tolerances come from? Are they like hereditary? Is it based on upbringing? Is it a combination and can we change them?

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Do we have enough time? Such a good question. So if you're looking at a person's window of tolerance and their capacity for different emotions, and it's exactly as you said, it's my ability to experience a feeling without going into a survival state where I'm flooded. What gives me that capacity? An element of it is genetic because we have epigenes, which I think we spoke about last time. So if you're imagining a person's window of tolerance, I give the example as a cup to make it visual. But it really is a person's, a part of a person's nervous system. And if I have information that's going through my nervous system that's being processed properly and stored away in long term memory, I have a pretty, I have a lot of space. I have a pretty empty cup per se. So my tolerance is quite good for emotions without getting flooded because there's space in my system. If things happen in my life that become traumas that exceed my system. So really big things, I feel a big emotion that is going to create a smaller container per se because I want you to imagine there's little trauma capsules, there's things now that are stuck inside my system. There's now less space for things to process.

[Erica]

Makes sense.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

And that's where my window of tolerance is getting smaller. How do I also enlarge? Enlarging is regulating emotions when they come up right before they're about to exceed and regulating them, that also enlarges my window of tolerance. So that's the resiliency where I'm actually strengthening my capacity. It's like I can handle this. I'm not going to be afraid of fear, for example. I'm going to go to a calm body spot. I'm going to use some breathing techniques. I'm going to use like the five senses. I'm going to self regulate whatever it might be. So I'm building capacity and memory that this isn't scary and I can actually handle it. Does that answer your question there? Yeah, yeah, Yeah.

[Erica]

I think you've done a really good job at succinctly explaining that, because I'm sure we spent hours going through this. But I like it because it works really well with a visual. I think a lot of people are used to, which is your cup being full. And I think if you think about. I always think of, like, I have this teacup at home is quite big. But when people say that phrase, that's the one that comes to mind. And if you think about like, sort of your tea or coffee, whatever's in there as the emotions, it makes sense that. That when you're already feeling overwhelmed, that everything sort of triggers you, or you feel like everything's too much all at once because the capacity you have left is so small. Everything's trying to run through that. That small space.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Exactly.

[Erica]

I just think that's really interesting to understand because it's not just we have this default state where, say, like, our tolerance windows would naturally be different, but then it's also you go through different seasons in life which impact that as well. And I think just understanding that and having this as a concept and a visual just helps with SEL awareness and self regulation. I don't know. Something that really helped me make sense of my experiences.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Yeah. You're understanding how your body works. Definitely.

[Erica]

Yeah. Which I think is a really important part to coming home to yourself, which is sort of where we kicked off. And then working out the tone of what your year is going to look like or your next steps. Now, I want to ask you some rapid fire questions, but I feel like not many things you say are rapid fire, so let's just see how we go. What's one tool that you wished everyone used for self reflection? Oof.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Okay. There's a technique I teach my clients to do, and that's where they. It's like a process their emotions every night before bed, and they start using it every day. But that's not gonna go. Go in here and go through all that as well. But one podcast, maybe we will. So I'm just gonna say one tool is start labeling your emotions. No, they're not you. Yeah. That way you don't get flooded by them. When you give it a name, it gives it space. You don't get engulfed. You can even call it Fred if you don't even know what the emotions is. Any name, just separate it. Make it a little cartoon character. It's cute. I Love you. You're welcome here, but you're not taking control of me.

[Erica]

Love that. If someone's listening and they realize they've been stuck all year in any of the things we've spoken about today, what's the first thing they should do tonight?

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Write down what they believe is keeping them stuck, I guess identifying what it is. And then try the exercise of the mind map.

[Erica]

Yeah.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Make it a good one. Core belief in love that.

[Erica]

Can you give an example of a pattern you see most often with your clients? Oh, good or bad?

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Oh, I love them all so much. But usually what brings them to me is self abandonment. That's why it's been. Have brought it up so much in this conversation. And it is giving away pieces of yourself, not realizing it, which is adding things to your cup. You have less capacity. And then it's like, I feel like I'm breaking down. I have no tolerance for anyone, or I'm snapping or I can't get out of bed. And it's because there's no space left in their system, because they're giving pieces of themselves without reflecting. Is this actually going beyond my capacity? So I really think we all need to slow down. Especially in Dubai.

[Erica]

Oh, yeah.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Yeah.

[Erica]

And Australia. Yeah. You know what I just thought of them? When you're like, giving pieces of yourself. I'm thinking of Voldemort, like, as. As a metaphor here. Like, just don't dish yourself out and split yourself apart. It's not going to end well for you. He don't look that healthy either. Well, look, we could honestly chat for hours and we do. And I'm. I. Every time you come on, I'm not only re Educated that things really come up to the surface, but I also learn a lot from you. So I'm always grateful for your time. To the listeners. If anything has come to mind that you want to see us do in a future episode, I can confidently say this won't be the last time you'll be on the show. It's like our annual catch up. It really is having you on the podcast, and I think that's a really beautiful thing that we've been able to stay connected, build a friendship, and also you continue to, you know, give so much to my community as well. So thank you so much for your time and your energy, and I really appreciate you.

[Chantal Marie Isaac]

Thank you for the privilege and the honor of being with you, Erica. And I'm, as always, eternally so impressed and proud of everything you do. You're a very beautiful soul and your entire audience is very, very lucky. Don't believe in luck. They're very, very blessed to have you. You.

[Erica]

I actually say that, too. I say, always correct myself, say blessed, not lucky. But don't make me cry. I haven't cried on the show before. Thank you. Hey, you want to pay just 10 bucks for your phone service at Boost Mobile? Just 10 bucks for your phone service at Boost Mobile? Yeah, I totally do. I totally do. This holiday, the best gift is for you. Pay just $10 a month for the first two months and $25 a month forever with unlimited data, talk and text offer. Valid at boostmobile. Com. After your first two months, you'll pay $25 a month unless you go online or call to cancel. Requires autopay.