Podcast Summary: "The #1 Habit Keeping You From Achieving What You Want"

Podcast: The Balance Theory
Host: Erika De Pellegrin
Guest: Chantal Marie Isaac
Release Date: December 14, 2025

Episode Overview

In this deeply insightful conversation, Erika De Pellegrin welcomes back Chantal Marie Isaac—internationally recognized addiction specialist and founder of Brain Spotting—for her third appearance on The Balance Theory. The episode dives into the psychological roots and neuroscience of people pleasing, how it holds us back from setting authentic goals, and offers practical strategies for overcoming limiting beliefs and coming home to your true self. As the year draws to a close, Erika and Chantal discuss how to use self-awareness, boundary-setting, and self-compassion to break the cycle of self-abandonment and set meaningful, sustainable intentions for the year ahead.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining People Pleasing and Its Biological Origins

• People pleasing is self-abandonment, not self-sacrifice:
  "The action of people pleasing is when I'm doing something or saying yes to something that authentically within I don't really want to. And it's not self sacrifice, it's self abandonment."
  — Chantal (00:00)
• Biological roots:
  This behavior dates back to early human survival—pleasing authority figures (initially, parents) was essential for care, shelter, and inclusion in the tribe.
  "If we did not please our parents, they could leave us under a tree and move on... We have ingrained in us as a survival skill guilt and fear of abandonment to say no."
  — Chantal (00:28, 07:56, 10:05)
• Modern day redundancy:
  While once essential, these patterns now often keep us in cycles of inauthentic agreement and can block our growth as adults.

2. The Cycle and Cost of People Pleasing

• Boundaries metaphor:
  Chantal uses the metaphor of boundaries as fences around a house, ranging from nonexistent (no fence) to overly rigid (prison fence), with the ideal being a healthy, flexible "white picket fence" (06:05).
• Sequence of people pleasing:
  Saying yes when you mean no → lowering boundaries → feeling resentment → avoidance → broken relationships.
  • Example of "Mark the plumber" illustrates how guilt/fear drive an inauthentic yes, leading to consequences much greater than the initial discomfort of saying no (07:48).
• Key emotions:
  • Guilt: “I feel bad if I say no.”
  • Fear: “What if they think I’m selfish?”
• Important insight:
  "By saying yes to somebody else, I was saying no to myself."
  — Erika (11:09)

3. The Fine Line Between Kindness and People Pleasing

• Checking your driver:
  The key difference lies in your motivation. If emotion is driven by guilt or fear, it is people pleasing. If you have the capacity and the desire, genuine kindness is present. "What are your boundaries and what is your capacity?"
  — Chantal (13:03)
• Self-awareness:
  Regularly check in—are you operating out of a desire to connect, or out of obligation and guilt?

4. Why Understanding People Pleasing Matters for Goal Setting

• Contaminated Goals:
  "If you're in this pattern, your goals for 2026 are going to be contaminated by decisions being swayed that are not really what your true goals are...There's a lens of possible self-abandonment."
  — Chantal (16:14)
• Window of Tolerance:
  A recurring concept—when people are in the "fawn" (people pleasing) response, they operate outside their optimal emotional window, with the prefrontal cortex offline. Real, value-based decision-making becomes difficult (16:14–17:48).

5. Addictive Patterns and High Performers

• High achievers and addiction:
  Driven people may have increased dopamine needs and a lessened tolerance for discomfort, which can fuel both achievement and people pleasing (18:50).
• Dopamine hits:
  Saying yes for approval becomes a quick-fix dopamine rush but ultimately undermines authenticity and capacity.

6. From Limiting Beliefs to Expansion

• Subconscious blockages:
  Most mental barriers to expansion are not conscious; they're trauma-based, subcortical beliefs. "They feel real...It can feel like there's a physical wall inside."
  — Chantal (20:52)
• Working through the body:
  Chantal explains using bodily awareness: find where there is more space or breath, focus there to expand your window of tolerance (20:52).
• Value clarification:
  Coming home to your deepest values enables authentic goal setting and prevents self-abandonment. "In Arabic, we say 'into little pieces,'... I'm not cutting myself into a million pieces... I'm whole, and then, you know, the right path."
  — Chantal (22:41)

7. Practical Tools for Overcoming Limiting Beliefs

• Naming and mapping beliefs (30:19–35:04):
  • Identify the core belief (e.g., "I'm not enough").
  • List the related emotions/feelings.
  • Map thoughts that come up when triggered by this belief.
  • List resulting self-sabotaging behaviors.
  • "When you have this on paper...you'll see how absurd it looks and you'll look at how these behaviors are absolutely ridiculous. But in the moment...these thoughts feel very true."
    — Chantal (33:35)
• Reverse engineering behaviors:
  Identify the behaviors needed for your goals, then work backward to establish supportive thoughts and emotions (34:12–34:37).

8. Normalization of Discomfort When Growing

• Everyone feels it:
  "People may look at me externally and go, oh, she's so confident....But I swear to every single one of you, I felt nervous when I was doing it....So I want people to know that's normal."
  — Erika (35:05)
• Biological unfamiliarity:
  The brain craves the familiar. Growth is inherently uncomfortable and will feel unsafe until it becomes a new normal (36:02).
• Imposter syndrome & freeze:
  If fear paralyzes, use body-based self-regulation to return to action—find areas in the body that feel safest, focus attention there to increase capacity (38:22).

9. Windows of Tolerance—Capacity for Emotions

• Origins & flexibility:
  Tolerance is shaped by genetics, upbringing, trauma, and life experience. You can build resiliency and expand your capacity by practicing regulation and self-compassion (39:12–41:34).
• Seasons of life:
  Tolerance fluctuates; understanding your changing container builds self-awareness.

10. Rapid Fire: Key Takeaways and Action Steps

• Label your emotions:
  "Start labeling your emotions. No, they're not you. When you give it a name, it gives it space."
  — Chantal (43:06)
• If you feel stuck:
  Write down what you believe is keeping you stuck and try mapping it out to gain perspective (43:52).
• Common pattern:
  Self-abandonment and giving away pieces of yourself is the most prevalent destructive pattern among high performers (44:11).

Memorable Quotes

• On authenticity and boundaries:
  "By saying yes to somebody else, I was saying no to myself." — Erika (11:09)
• On people pleasing as survival:
  "We have ingrained in us as a survival skill guilt and fear of abandonment to say no." — Chantal (10:05)
• On labeling emotions:
  "Start labeling your emotions. No, they're not you...You can even call it Fred." — Chantal (43:06)
• On self-abandonment:
  "Self abandonment is giving away pieces of yourself, not realizing it, which is adding things to your cup. And then it's like, I feel like I'm breaking down." — Chantal (44:11)

Key Timestamps

• 00:00–03:16 — Chantal defines people pleasing as self-abandonment, not sacrifice
• 06:05 — Boundaries: the “house fence” metaphor
• 07:48–11:09 — Example sequence: people pleasing, guilt/fear, resentment, avoidance
• 13:03–14:39 — Kindness vs. people pleasing, self-assessment
• 16:14–17:48 — Why authenticity matters for goal setting and the neuroscience behind survival states
• 18:50–20:52 — Addictiveness in high performers, dopamine, capacity
• 20:52–24:34 — Limiting beliefs, body-based expansion, importance of values
• 30:19–35:04 — Practical exercises for busting limiting beliefs and breaking patterns
• 36:02–39:12 — The normalcy of fear when stretching comfort zones, freeze response, physical regulation
• 39:12–41:34 — Emotional window of tolerance and how to build it
• 43:06–44:11 — Rapid fire tools & most common client problem: self-abandonment

Conclusion

This episode offers a powerful exploration of the roots, costs, and methods for overcoming people pleasing and self-abandonment. Chantal and Erika provide nuanced, practical advice for reclaiming your authentic self, setting boundaries, reframing discomfort, and building both awareness and capacity for the emotional growth required to achieve your goals. With hands-on tools and compassionate guidance, listeners are encouraged to approach both self-reflection and goal setting through a lens of self-compassion and honesty—so that 2026 (or whenever you’re ready) can be shaped by your truest values and desires.

Recommended for anyone who wants to break through what’s holding them back, cultivate confidence, and build a truly balanced, fulfilled life.