Transcript

Joe (0:02)

New Maybelline Serum lipstick. Maybe it's not just lipstick. It's lush color with endless possibilities. It's serum infused with a hyaluronic acid and oil blend for eight hour, plumping moisture in tone, enhancing shades. It's more than the shade, it's who's wearing it.

Frank (0:25)

You.

Joe (0:26)

New Maybelline Serum lipstick. Maybe it's Maybelline. Welcome back to the basement. Welcome back to the basement yard. I'm here with Frank and I'm also here with Ant, who bought that fucking hat in the airport yesterday. I watched him.

Frank (0:47)

Really?

Joe (0:48)

Yeah.

Frank (0:48)

That's what you bought?

Joe (0:49)

He bought that and a sweater.

Frank (0:51)

Of all the things you could buy, you just bought that?

Ant (0:54)

Bought a hat. What do you want me to do?

Frank (1:01)

That just seems like a really, like. Buy anything else?

Ant (1:05)

Like What? We had 30 minutes. It was a layover. I wanted a. I've never been to St. Louis. Got a hat.

Frank (1:12)

No. I was gonna ask. That was gonna be my question. Does that count as having been to St. Louis?

Joe (1:16)

No.

Frank (1:17)

Why?

Joe (1:17)

No way.

Ant (1:18)

Why?

Joe (1:18)

You got to be outside. You gotta, like, go to a place.

Frank (1:21)

He's gatekeeping. Being places I love. Because. Because him, Zach and Greg on tour the last two years would do all, like, who's been to the most places. So, like, they've come up with these rules because it's like, oh, well, I've done layovers in these and they're just like, it doesn't count because I haven't. You could say that you've been there and you've purchased something.

Joe (1:41)

Summary

The Basement Yard #548 – "Are We There Yet?"

Release Date: March 30, 2026
Hosts: Joe Santagato, Frank Alvarez, Ant
Studio: Santagato Studios

EPISODE THEME OVERVIEW

In this hilarious and meandering episode, Joe, Frank, and Ant dive headfirst into a debate about what it really means to have "been" somewhere—a classic road-trip and travel argument. The conversation spins out into personal travel stories, debates about gas station stops, layovers, seeing landmarks, childhood road trips (and pooping in a bucket), regional food preferences, cultural diversity, and comedic detours into animatronics, playground injuries, and favorite cuisines. This is pure Basement Yard: absurd, genuine, and rapid-fire, with playful antagonism and laugh-out-loud moments from start to finish.

MAIN DISCUSSION POINTS & TIMESTAMPS

1. What Counts As "Having Been" Somewhere?

[00:26–21:36]

Ant’s Airport Hat Purchase Contraversy ([00:26–01:12]):
Ant buys a hat during a layover in St. Louis and wonders if he can count that as "having been" to the city.
Joe’s Strict Criteria ([01:16–03:10]):
“You gotta be outside. You gotta, like, go to a place.” – Joe
Airports and drive-throughs don't count. Joe insists you must touch ground and experience something local.
Frank and Ant Debate Technicalities ([03:01–04:57]):
Frank, more lenient, thinks even a gas station or purchasing something counts. Ant pushes back, arguing his airport visit is more than Joe’s gas stop.
Gatekeeping Going Places ([03:55–06:56]):
“Why are you the end all be all of places going?” – Frank [02:52]
Conversational Honesty ([09:10–10:21]):
Ant jokes he’ll say he’s "been" somewhere or not depending on if he likes the person asking.
Landmark Sightings vs. City Visits ([13:17–14:53]):
Driving by monuments vs. “experiencing” a state or city; the group acknowledges it’s levels of engagement.

2. Pooping in a Bucket – Childhood Road Trip Stories

[23:10–28:14]

Frank’s Legendary Cracker Barrel Detours & Bucket Poop Memories ([23:10–25:30]):
Frank recounts road trips with his dad, who stopped at every Cracker Barrel—and the less-glamorous details of kids pooping into buckets along the interstate.
Bucket as Portable Restroom ([24:57–25:51]):
“Is pooping in a bucket and then throwing it on the side of the road—is that littering?” – Frank [25:13]
Is it illegal to poop outdoors?
The group gets into legal gray areas and camp/hiking etiquette.

3. Dreams, Cheese, and Other Absurdities

[32:48–39:20]

Joe’s Dream Breakup Involving Boursin Cheese ([32:48–34:31]):
Nicole, Joe’s partner, has a dream where he breaks up with her via messages hidden in the wrappers of Boursin cheese.
“A cheese breakup is probably a great one.” – Frank [34:17]
Cheese Flavors Sidetrack ([34:50–35:35]):
The hosts humorously rank Boursin flavors and banter about rosemary.
Frank Mimics Joe’s “Valuable Conversation” Standard ([36:05–37:24]):
“Your ear space is so expensive. You can't be bothered with other people.” – Frank [36:15]

4. Slippery Slides, Animatronic Horrors & Playground Mishaps

[39:59–47:19]

Willy Wonka’s Kids—Did They Die? ([39:59–41:40])
Laundry Chute & Playground Slide Injuries ([41:40–43:11])
Boston’s Viral “Too Fast” Slide & Adult Playgrounds ([43:17–47:11]):
The now-famous cop-on-the-slide video gets described in detail.
Swing Set Backflips & Age Regret ([46:05–47:05]):
Joe reminisces about kid stunts he won’t try again.

5. Animatronic Shows & Freaky Chuck E. Cheese Memories

[47:43–52:00]

A TikTok Rabbit Hole—Human-eyed Animatronics ([47:43–50:06]):
Pure horror at animatronic bands at shows, including a Chuck E. Cheese restoration in Mississippi. “If I ever saw this thing in person, I'm shooting it with a real life gun.” – Frank [49:10]
Joe’s Suggestion: Mushrooms & Animatronics ([51:22–51:34])

6. Medieval Times, Jousting, & Childhood Outings

[52:00–54:26]

Trip Down Memory Lane ([53:28–54:08]):
Debating who would be king, knight, or executioner if they went to Medieval Times.
“I would get a fucking, like, a crown.” – Joe [52:49]
Medieval ax and shield purchases ([53:42])

7. Cultural Diversity, Racism, and Food in Queens

[58:18–66:46]

Who is Canada ruled by? ([58:26–59:42])
Light confusion, ultimately confirming Canada’s ties to the British monarchy are only symbolic.
Growing Up Around Diversity ([59:40–61:21]):
“It's so stupid being racist.” – Frank [61:07]
The hosts discuss their bafflement that people grow up without exposure to other cultures.
Queens as a Food Utopia ([62:34–63:24]):
“You want, like… the best version of those countries’ foods outside of those countries? Go to Queens.” – Frank [62:34]
Discovering Mexican Food & Top Cuisines ([63:45–67:57])
Shout-outs to Greek, Italian, American, Asian, and the sheer variety found in New York.

8. Cuisine Debates, Chipotle, and More Food Talk

[66:46–77:54]

Trying Out World Food – Pleasant Surprises ([66:00–66:46]):
“No one has ever been like, ‘You’ve never had this? Let's go,’ and I’ve said ‘That’s not good.’” – Frank [66:02]
Cumin & Spice Education ([67:05–67:21]):
Frank playfully lectures about cumin’s presence in Mexican dishes.
Food-Related Pranks & Classic “Gotcha” Moments ([68:13–71:00]):
Frank gets tripped up by a well-executed “dick in your mouth” joke from Joe—resulting in $100 bets being settled.
More on Chipotle & Realness of the Experience ([76:04–77:54])
Consensus: catering Chipotle to your house isn’t the same as ordering at the restaurant.

9. Italian, Mediterranean, & the Geography Argument ([77:54–85:21])

What Counts as Italian vs. Mediterranean? ([79:32–83:10]):
Is pizza Italian, Mediterranean, or both? Debate ensues about the Mediterranean Sea and which countries border it, with Ant confirming Spain, France, and Italy are all included.
“Did you miss the first hour of this conversation?” – Frank [84:48]

10. Closing Banter & Random Tangents ([85:21–87:01])

Joe’s Algerian Acquaintance & World Cup Story ([85:21–86:12])
Wrapping Up & Social Plugs ([87:01–87:23])

NOTABLE QUOTES & MOMENTS

On Travel Gatekeeping:
“Why are you the end all be all of places going?” – Frank [02:52]
“Because I'm the one who's making up the thing, right?” – Joe [02:55]
Defining “Been There”:
“If you tell someone, like, ‘Oh, I've been to Ohio.’ And they're like, how was it? What are you gonna say?” – Joe [05:06]
Childhood Road Trips:
“There was a bag in the— it was... bag.” – Ant [24:32]
“My dad thought he was running the maple syrup heist of all time.” – Frank [23:30]
Illegal Pooping:
“Is pooping in a bucket and then throwing it on the side of the road—is that littering?” – Frank [25:13]
On Food Diversity:
“Living in a place where it’s just one cuisine would suck ass.” – Joe [63:19]
Chipotle “Authenticity”:
“You haven’t really had Chipotle, and I’ll accept that.” – Frank [77:53]
Comedy Gotcha:
“Bachelor of science—criminal justice.”
“Justice. Dick in your mouth.” – Joe & Frank [68:34–68:40]
On Diversity & Racism:
“It is so stupid being racist.” – Frank [61:07]
Animatronic Horror:
“If I ever saw this thing in person, I'm shooting it with a real life gun.” – Frank [49:10]

ADDITIONAL HIGHLIGHTS

Regional Food Preferences:
- Group lists favorites: Mediterranean, Italian, Greek, Colombian, Indian, Thai, Mexican, and more ([63:50–66:46])
Childhood Injuries:
- Discussion on adult dangers of playground slides and swings ([41:40–47:05])
Arguments Resolved by Geography:
- Ant confirms Spain, France, and Italy all border the Mediterranean, correcting the group’s earlier misconceptions ([82:20–84:22])
Classic Podcast “Gotcha” Prank:
- “Justice. Dick in your mouth.” prank costs Frank $100 ([68:34–69:11])

FINAL REMARKS

This episode is emblematic of The Basement Yard’s charm: old friends, intense but good-faith arguments, tons of inside jokes, and a seamless blend of relatable nostalgia and absurdity. Whether it’s debating the rules of travel, childhood oddities, or which cuisine reigns supreme, the show’s tone is irreverent, sharp, and full of personality.

KEY SEGMENT TIMESTAMPS

[00:26–21:36] — Travel/“Being There” Debate
[23:10–28:14] — Road Trips & Bucket Pooping
[32:48–39:20] — Cheese Dreams & Relationship Banter
[39:59–47:19] — Slides, Playgrounds, Adult Injuries
[47:43–52:00] — Animatronics & Chuck E. Cheese Horror
[52:00–54:26] — Medieval Times & Childhood Memories
[58:18–66:46] — Diversity, Food, & Queens Primer
[66:46–77:54] — Favorite Foods, Spices Debate, Chipotle
[77:54–85:21] — Mediterranean Geography Dispute
[85:21–87:01] — Final Tangents & Farewells

Recommended for:
Fans of humor podcasts, lovers of spontaneous debates, anyone who’s ever argued about what counts as "visiting" a place, and listeners curious about New York’s food/lifestyle.

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#548 - Are We There Yet?