We Got Into Clown School

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Basement Yard – "We Got Into Clown School" (August 4, 2025)

Hosted by Joe Santagato & Frank Alvarez, presented by Santagato Studios

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I. Childhood Games and Nostalgia

The episode kicks off with Joe and Frank reminiscing about classic board games, particularly the intricacies of Clue. They humorously debate the identities of the game's characters, showcasing their playful banter.

• Frank Alvarez [00:20]: "I don't think I've ever properly played Clue. Like, how do you know who's killing who?"

• Joe Santagato [00:18]: "Mr. Green in the conservatory with the candlestick. Colonel Green."

Their conversation seamlessly transitions to nostalgic references of 90s games, such as Are You Afraid of the Dark, highlighting the hosts' fondness for childhood pastimes.

II. The Whispering Gallery and Acoustics

Frank introduces the concept of the Whispering Gallery at Grand Central Station, a marvel of architectural acoustics that allows whispers to travel across vast distances.

• Frank Alvarez [02:31]: "If you go to parts of Grand Central Station, you can literally go to one end of the room and whisper, and the other person on the other side can hear it as clear as day."

Joe expresses skepticism about this phenomenon, prompting Frank to emphasize the existence of mysteries beyond ordinary comprehension, likening it to complex fields like astrophysics.

III. Secret Tunnels and Societal Secrets

The duo delves into the allure of secret tunnels and hidden pathways, drawing parallels between historical secret societies and modern-day fraternities. They discuss the intrigue surrounding hidden entrances and the exclusivity associated with them.

• Frank Alvarez [05:12]: "There's like secret bars and restaurants and speakeasies there, but they're not really speakeasies. You just need to go through one to get to the other and shit like that."

Joe muses about the fascination with secret shortcuts, while Frank shares personal anecdotes about underground tunnel systems he encountered in his previous job, adding depth to the conversation.

IV. The Rigors and Perceptions of Clown School

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to exploring the concept of clown school. Joe and Frank discuss the purported difficulty of gaining admission, humorously comparing it to prestigious Ivy League institutions.

• Joe Santagato [27:48]: "How does it make sense, though, that that's the hardest school to get into and you're only, you're capped at 80."

Frank cites Steve-O from Jackass as an example of someone who attended clown school, highlighting the elite nature and specialized skills required in the field.

The conversation also touches upon the emotional and psychological aspects of being a clown, referencing classic narratives like Pagliacci. They reflect on the duality of clowns being sources of joy yet often misunderstood or stigmatized.

• Frank Alvarez [26:07]: "How does that even apply to this conversation?"

The discussion takes a humorous turn as they debate the average salaries of clowns and the challenges clowns face, both financially and emotionally.

V. Wedding Crashing: A Comedic Scenario

Midway through the episode, Frank shares a viral video of someone disrupting a wedding by taking over the microphone. This segues into a lively and exaggerated debate on how one should react to such an intrusion.

• Joe Santagato [36:35]: "So clearly they think like okay, hahaha. I would do anything to be you, Carolyn. No, really, I would."

• Frank Alvarez [43:14]: "I'm telling you right now, I'm getting a gun and I'm shooting that dude in the back of the head."

Their hyperbolic responses underscore the comedic tone, illustrating the hosts' ability to tackle absurd scenarios with humor and creativity.

VI. Santa and Elf on the Shelf: Holiday Traditions and Anecdotes

Towards the latter part of the episode, Joe and Frank share heartfelt and humorous stories about their families' Christmas traditions. They discuss the lengths parents go to create magical experiences for their children, particularly through the use of Santa and the Elf on the Shelf.

• Frank Alvarez [65:44]: "He brings up Jingle Bells and saw a light moving in the sky and was like, it's Santa."

Joe recounts his childhood revelation about Santa, providing a nostalgic and relatable moment for listeners.

• Joe Santagato [63:34]: "I woke up, and I just sprinted down the stairs, and my mom's just sitting on the couch. It's probably like 40 minutes, mind you."

Frank elaborates on his own creative methods to convince his children of Santa's magic, showcasing the dedication and imagination involved in maintaining the holiday spirit.

VII. Closing Remarks

The episode concludes with Joe and Frank reflecting on their shared stories, emphasizing the importance of creativity and belief in family traditions. They seamlessly transition into promoting their upcoming shows and engaging with their audience, maintaining the show's signature blend of humor and camaraderie.

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Notable Quotes:

• Frank Alvarez [02:31]: "If you go to parts of Grand Central Station, you can literally go to one end of the room and whisper, and the other person on the other side can hear it as clear as day."

• Joe Santagato [27:48]: "How does it make sense, though, that that's the hardest school to get into and you're only, you're capped at 80."

• Frank Alvarez [43:14]: "I'm telling you right now, I'm getting a gun and I'm shooting that dude in the back of the head."

• Joe Santigato [63:34]: "I woke up, and I just sprinted down the stairs, and my mom's just sitting on the couch. It's probably like 40 minutes, mind you."

Conclusion:

In "We Got Into Clown School," Joe Santagato and Frank Alvarez take listeners on a nostalgic journey through childhood games, architectural marvels, secret societies, the unique challenges of clown school, and the hilariously exaggerated dynamics of wedding disruptions. The episode skillfully blends humor with personal anecdotes, offering both laughter and relatable insights. By weaving together a tapestry of diverse topics, the hosts maintain a lively and engaging conversation that captivates both regular listeners and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Frank Alvarez]

Welcome back to the base.

[Joe Sanigato]

Welcome back to the basement yard. How you doing, Mr. Green? How you doing, Mr. Green? Mr. Green in the conservatory with the candlestick. Colonel Green.

[Frank Alvarez]

That game. Colonel Mustard.

[Joe Sanigato]

Who's Mr. Green?

[Frank Alvarez]

That mustard, Colonel. Who's the Green guy? Green. The green. I don't know. I haven't played Clue in God knows how long. Professor Plum. They're all. Are they all colors, Miss? I don't think I've ever properly played Clue. Like, how. How do you know who's killing who? I don't know. You know what I remember playing? Do you. Any of you guys remember the are you afraid of the dark board game from the 90s?

[Joe Sanigato]

No.

[Frank Alvarez]

I remember. Yeah.

[Guest]

I wouldn't.

[Frank Alvarez]

Well, yeah, you're too young. We get it. You're only 20 years old. You. Why are you wearing aviators inside?

[Guest]

I thought I'd put on something nice, by the way.

[Frank Alvarez]

Ant cam. Ant cam. It's the ant cam.

[Joe Sanigato]

It's the ant cam.

[Frank Alvarez]

And the ant.

[Joe Sanigato]

Can. Can. Can.

[Frank Alvarez]

If the ant can cam. Can. The can. Can cam. And can't. Came. Cam. Ant cam.

[Joe Sanigato]

Anyway.

[Frank Alvarez]

Yeah, I like green.

[Joe Sanigato]

Oh, we're skipping over Clue. Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

I never properly played it.

[Joe Sanigato]

Me neither. It is. I still don't even know what a conservatory is.

[Frank Alvarez]

I think that's where you, like, look at stuff.

[Joe Sanigato]

That's an observatory. I think you're right.

[Frank Alvarez]

You're 100%.

[Joe Sanigato]

You know what? I like a planetarium.

[Frank Alvarez]

You might have one of those in your house one day.

[Joe Sanigato]

A planetarium?

[Frank Alvarez]

Yeah. Where you just have like a. Planets. Yeah. I could see you getting like a light in the middle of the room and you. And you, like. It just shows the stars and you can just look up and be like, there's Orion's belt.

[Joe Sanigato]

What was that shit that we used to climb into when we were children?

[Frank Alvarez]

It was like the bubble, right? The little. I think it was called the planetarium.

[Joe Sanigato]

We would go into the basement of our school and we'd all climb into a bubble and sit in. We would sit crisscross applesauce.

[Frank Alvarez]

Very close. Very close.

[Joe Sanigato]

I almost got me to that hard eye. We would sit.

[Frank Alvarez]

We'd sit. Crypts, crops, Bible blouse.

[Joe Sanigato]

And then. And then it would project the.

[Frank Alvarez]

Like the stars and stuff.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

And then they. They always did the thing where they were just like. If you whisper over there, the person across can hear it because of how like it. It shapes.

[Joe Sanigato]

I don't believe that.

[Frank Alvarez]

Oh, no. It. 100%. You know what else is like that to Grand Central Station? They're like. If you go at parts of Grand Central Station, you can literally go to one end of the. Of the room and whisper, and the other person on the other side can hear it as clear as day.

[Joe Sanigato]

I guarantee you that's fake.

[Frank Alvarez]

No, it's a real.

[Joe Sanigato]

Guarantee it. What are you shaking your head?

[Guest]

It's real.

[Joe Sanigato]

You've done it.

[Guest]

No, that I've done it, But I've seen it.

[Frank Alvarez]

I've done it, and it is real.

[Joe Sanigato]

I don't believe you. You want it to be real.

[Frank Alvarez]

Why would I want whispering to be real? Because you are, like, I mean, at heart, I. Do I get offended by that or not? I don't think so. I think that I'm asking you. Part of your personality.

[Guest]

No, I think you're good. You like that?

[Frank Alvarez]

I do. I do. I kind of like that. Okay, fine, but you said it in a derogatory way that I don't like.

[Joe Sanigato]

No, I'm saying, like, you would want it to be real. So it's like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

I guess.

[Joe Sanigato]

You're telling me you go to an opposite end of Grand Central Station and I'm gonna hear you whisper?

[Guest]

Yeah, I promise.

[Frank Alvarez]

Even with all the hubbub?

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah, not the hubbub. What's it called?

[Frank Alvarez]

Hubbub. Hubbub. Hubbub. Hub. Hullabaloo.

[Joe Sanigato]

Hullabaloo.

[Frank Alvarez]

Is it baloo or hullabal?

[Guest]

Something similar to that happened to my family at a restaurant, but they were complaining about a waiter, and, like, because of the arch of the room, the waiter heard everything they said from across.

[Joe Sanigato]

This isn't.

[Frank Alvarez]

You don't need to believe in it. It's true.

[Joe Sanigato]

Okay.

[Frank Alvarez]

Things can exist beyond your comprehension. I mean, it happens every single day.

[Joe Sanigato]

What happens every day?

[Frank Alvarez]

Things exist behind. Be. Beyond your comprehension.

[Joe Sanigato]

Branch. I.

[Frank Alvarez]

Like, you can't comprehend the, like, astrophysics, but it exists. Same with me. I mean, I'm not saying, like, you're. I'm not. Like, I'm exempt from it. We're both in the same category. Just because we can't get it doesn't mean it's not real.

[Joe Sanigato]

I. I'm not acknowledging that. Like, I'm 100% correct. It's one of those things that, like, I'll have to experience it, and then I'll believe it.

[Guest]

It's literally called the whispering gallery. In Grand Central Station.

[Frank Alvarez]

Yeah. So, like, people would go. And then.

[Joe Sanigato]

What does that mean?

[Frank Alvarez]

Back in the day, they'd be like, oh, this. This whore is over there with her ankles out. And then people would be like, I heard that.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

Whispering.

[Joe Sanigato]

I mean, they Give names to all the time. I mean, that doesn't. That that's the proof that we have that it's called.

[Frank Alvarez]

I mean, I didn't know. I'll be honest. It kind of makes it cool that they called it the whispering gallery.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

Because if it was just called like, there's like secret, like, restaurants and in Grand Central. Do you know all about this stuff?

[Joe Sanigato]

I know there's like secret trains.

[Frank Alvarez]

Well, that I don't care about. I'm talking like, there's like secret bars and restaurants and speakeasies there, but they're not really speakeasies. They just like, you need to go through one to get to the other and shit like that. My uncle randomly brought me once and he was cuz like, this is now what I'm saying.

[Joe Sanigato]

You just described a speakeasy.

[Frank Alvarez]

Yeah. Yeah, so I guess.

[Joe Sanigato]

So it's not a speakeasy.

[Frank Alvarez]

You gotta like, go through a door. Weird. Like, yo, like down there, it's like a maze. Like, there's like, ways to get to, like, buildings, streets away without ever going onto the street level. Like, it's. It's very strange.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

They made it for like, you know, like politicians back in the day. They'd be like, john D. Rockefeller doesn't want to get up to the street, so he needs to walk under this building.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

You know?

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah. I mean, wouldn't that be nice to be so successful one day that you could just. Just like go down a secret tunnel? I love secret tunnels.

[Frank Alvarez]

A secret tunnel would scare me because it's still a tunnel, dude. Like, tunnels freak me out a little bit. If it was just like a short, like.

[Joe Sanigato]

But I like. I like secret shortcuts.

[Frank Alvarez]

Like someone's house, you go and you.

[Joe Sanigato]

Pull a book and a door opens. Love that.

[Frank Alvarez]

Oh, yeah. Love that. Dude. That's why one of the reasons why I love the 90s, Addams Family movie, when they like go and there's like a slide or Casper, dude. When she sits in a chair. Oh, that's why. Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. That movie is great. That scene, every little kid at that time was just like, that's everything I want in life right there.

[Joe Sanigato]

It like, brushes her teeth and shit.

[Frank Alvarez]

It like cracks an egg. Brushes teeth, washes face, blow dries.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

Just does all the cool shit.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah. A little roller coaster the entire time.

[Frank Alvarez]

I will say this. I don't think I can say where it was because I will probably get in trouble. When I worked at my old job, I went for a case that I had to work I went underneath building, and the underground tunnel system is, like, crazy, like, back tunnels under and in places that you would never even imagine.

[Joe Sanigato]

Damn. Yeah, I want to do. I want to be in on the secret.

[Frank Alvarez]

There's cool secrets that you're not a part of.

[Joe Sanigato]

I want to be like. I want to. Yeah, I do want to be in on it. I feel FOMO Now.

[Frank Alvarez]

You would have definitely. I know you say you would know, but you definitely would have joined a fraternity in high. In college.

[Joe Sanigato]

There's nothing secretive.

[Frank Alvarez]

There are secrets. They call it the secret society, bro.

[Joe Sanigato]

You're all right there, and you're all idiots.

[Frank Alvarez]

No, no, no. There's. There's, like, different, like, meanings and stuff to things that. Like our secrets.

[Joe Sanigato]

That's not a secret to me.

[Frank Alvarez]

I mean, but it is. By definition, it's a secret. All right, well, you don't know me.

[Joe Sanigato]

In order for me to be in.

[Frank Alvarez]

No, see, see, that's why you're talking down. I was never spanked. I was never hazed or bullied. You know, there are people that were, and I sympathize with those people, but you could join those things and not have that awful stuff happen to you, and then you could be in on the secrets. Like, I know secrets that you don't know.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

Do you know? Do you know? You don't know them.

[Joe Sanigato]

Right?

[Frank Alvarez]

So they're secrets.

[Joe Sanigato]

Cool. If I don't know them, how can I be excited about not knowing?

[Frank Alvarez]

Because I. You know that they exist, but you don't know what they are.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah, but they could be. Not worth me knowing.

[Frank Alvarez]

Like, there's, like, secrets, like, the secrets of, like, the government, you know, like, you need to be okay with, like.

[Joe Sanigato]

You know, some secrets about the government.

[Frank Alvarez]

Personally, no, but I'm saying, like, there's, like, secret files and stuff, you know, lists that may or may not exist.

[Joe Sanigato]

So they say. Well, I don't even know what you're talking about. Yeah, exactly. Who. What the hell, Jeffy?

[Frank Alvarez]

What happened? You know, like, you know, that guy was. That was. He was totally fine. He was totally fine. There was no one on the list. That list, he got convicted for and with what the list? What. What the Are you talking about? I don't vaguely remember someone bringing it up, but I've never heard or seen guys believe the actual. There's a list of names. Wait, so you're gonna tell me these people that may or may not have been documented as a hanging out with this evil person might have been on another list? Yeah, right. Dude, I don't even know Where? Yeah, right. Like you don't even. You don't think for. You know what? You're brainwashed by the media and pull into believing that this thing that's obviously like makes sense to exist. Existed.

[Joe Sanigato]

As soon as Trump was like, forget about this stuff, I went, yeah, yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

Why were we even worried about it in the first place? Idiot. Wait a second, he didn't even like what? What list? Why did I even care about that to be. Oh, that list that you said that he was going to exp. It's a fake thing that never happened. Why would I even if you believe that. Let me guess, you also don't believe that they were eating kids in pizza places, right? It was a joke. Come on, guys. It was a comedy. Come on guys. Who else doesn't run and get elected as leader of the free world on jokes? Come on, everyone. Oh, now, now the soft. Take it easy now the soft liberals don't like jokes. This is why we say we can't joke. This is why people can't be haha funny kill anymore. Comedy is dead. Elon said it. He's. And he. He's so right. And who and who knows better about comedy than Elon Musk?

[Joe Sanigato]

Elon Musk, the comedian of all the worlds. Comedy.

[Frank Alvarez]

Comedy is dead. You know, like it's gone. So what? Anyway, so now Trump makes a joke and everyone is so serious.

[Joe Sanigato]

What list? I stopped caring. How is it important even what could.

[Frank Alvarez]

Be on there that could expose anyone that we have elected or known of? Like what?

[Joe Sanigato]

So there was an island and maybe there was some foul play.

[Frank Alvarez]

So what? A couple of fellas, certain people in power, went to hang out in the tropic. Okay, so what? Can't go on vacation. Oh, now vacation's illegal?

[Joe Sanigato]

Now we can't go.

[Frank Alvarez]

Now we got to donate all our money. We're not allowed to go on vacation anym. Oh, okay, so if I'm not donating half of my net worth, then I'm. Then I'm on this supposed list.

[Joe Sanigato]

That's what it is.

[Frank Alvarez]

Gotcha.

[Joe Sanigato]

Anyway, back to these secret tunnels that I love.

[Frank Alvarez]

There's a secret tunnel that I saw that is just for air.

[Joe Sanigato]

Am I supposed to be impressed by that?

[Frank Alvarez]

But like, you want to talk about secrets?

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah. On the flight home from San Francisco, I watch National Treasure reignited my love for.

[Frank Alvarez]

Are you bad?

[Joe Sanigato]

I forget that I forgot the plot of that movie where it's like, he's a treasure.

[Frank Alvarez]

It's a treasure hunt.

[Joe Sanigato]

No, no, no. Like that part obviously, but like the whole point of why he's stealing it is because he knows someone else is going to try and steal it.

[Frank Alvarez]

So. So he's going to steal it in.

[Joe Sanigato]

Order to protect it. Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

Talk about layers of idiocy. Yeah.

[Joe Sanigato]

Like, what are we talking about? Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

And steal.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

And then it, like, leads to, like, secret treasure and gold and stuff like that.

[Joe Sanigato]

That shit is hard.

[Frank Alvarez]

Listen up. If I ever found out that there was treasure within, like a 1 mile radius of where I lived, I need. I'm going with a spade shovel and I'm digging, dude. Yeah. Because the idea of hitting.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

Ding, ding. And then unearthing treasure. Now, if it was treasure in, like, a tomb, I'm only accepting treasure if it's in a wooden crate that has chains around it and a big old timey padlock.

[Joe Sanigato]

It's held by a skeleton, and it's.

[Frank Alvarez]

Held by a skeleton, and I can hit it off with the tip of the. Of the shovel.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

That's the only way I want treasure.

[Joe Sanigato]

Me too. And I also want to be edged by clues.

[Frank Alvarez]

Oh.

[Joe Sanigato]

So, like, I want to think that I got the treasure, but it's like, oh, another clue.

[Frank Alvarez]

Oh. You open it up and it's just like, yay, I gotcha.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah. And it's like, damn, I gotta go to. Now. No, I gotta go to North Carolina and bring this thing with me. And then I place it in the wall and it opens up another door.

[Frank Alvarez]

Oh.

[Joe Sanigato]

You know what I'm saying?

[Frank Alvarez]

Like, that, like, you have to, like, press a secret button and then like, the. The like. Oh, this. Any of these movies.

[Joe Sanigato]

Crazy.

[Frank Alvarez]

National Treasure, Indiana Jones. When, like, a secret stone thing opens and you hear the like, and you see, like, the sand falling. That's my asmr, baby.

[Joe Sanigato]

Or if they, like, press the button and then like, there's just a cloud of dust, like, like airs in there.

[Frank Alvarez]

Now it's like, I don't need Asian girls torches.

[Joe Sanigato]

Wait, what?

[Frank Alvarez]

Okay, like, is your girls, like, like, clinking their nails against a glass for, like, asmr. I just need the sounds of Indiana Jones opening a stone sarcophagus.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah, yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

I'm glad you let me finish.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah, yeah. Because I was very confused by that. I was like, who said you needed Asian girls? Also torches, bro.

[Frank Alvarez]

There's Matt.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yo, listen for all you torch horners out there, Horny torch people. I'm in. I'm in the club. National Treasure has got some great torches.

[Frank Alvarez]

Good torch work.

[Joe Sanigato]

Great torch.

[Frank Alvarez]

Do they do the whole, like. They dip it in, like, a natural pool of gasoline.

[Joe Sanigato]

It's already got it on there.

[Frank Alvarez]

It's already.

[Joe Sanigato]

And he uses it to take down spider webs. At one point I'm like, I like that too. I do like that too.

[Frank Alvarez]

I do like that. Where was. There was a movie I recently watched or saw a clip from and it was like the underground is like a sewer of like natural gas. It might have been an Indiana Jones movie. Now that I think about.

[Joe Sanigato]

You can't light a match.

[Frank Alvarez]

No, but like he lit a torch and kaboom. No, but like that was the, like that was the mistake is like they were just like, oh yeah, this would have kaboomed. This would have kaboomed.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah, yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

Dude, I want to see like old timey padlocks that like need those keys that like clink in when you like get in there. Also old timey keys and locks.

[Joe Sanigato]

I like a big circular set of keys.

[Frank Alvarez]

I do like a circular set of keys. Moreover, what's better than the idea of a torch? I want to go through with like an old dusty lantern. I'm talking this. I know, but like then you could just drop it a little and you could put it down and Cuz you when you investigate you need to get as close as.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

Oh shit. This hasn't been.

[Joe Sanigato]

There's always a booby trap right before you get in.

[Frank Alvarez]

I heard. You know what's crazy is I heard booby traps were fake. I heard they were a product of the movies. Like fake boobs. Like they were like not like where you like step on something and like poison darts shoot out across the walls and stuff like that. I heard that was all fake. There were like things that like led to like fake rooms and like mazes and stuff like that.

[Joe Sanigato]

Wait, you thought like the pyramids were filled with booby traps? Yeah, I mean I figured that was just for the movie, honestly. Oh really? I thought that maybe there was some like locks.

[Frank Alvarez]

I heard that it was like there were no like booby traps like that. But there were like just snake pits. Just like rooms and things that led to nowhere. So like you would get lost and eventually die.

[Joe Sanigato]

Right.

[Frank Alvarez]

Because back then I imagine their sense of direction was not great.

[Joe Sanigato]

It's probably better than ours now.

[Frank Alvarez]

Definitely better than us. They like found out where to go by the stars.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah, dude, if I don't have GPS, I can't get fucking two miles.

[Frank Alvarez]

Turn left in 0.1 miles. Like what's a point one? Just tell me when and where.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah, tell me when I'm turning.

[Frank Alvarez]

I did believe I did. And I also believed I'M not even going to lie to you. Most of what I currently believe about ancient Egypt came from the Mummy, which.

[Joe Sanigato]

Is also an underrated movie. And it's a good ride at Universal.

[Frank Alvarez]

Like a. A book that you need like a lock thing to open up and turn it to open.

[Joe Sanigato]

So sick.

[Frank Alvarez]

I mean, dude, you can just cut it. It was probably made with like leather from, you know, 5,000 years ago, but like the idea that I needed. And it would like clink when you turn like.

[Joe Sanigato]

I love that. I don't like the bugs. Too many bugs.

[Frank Alvarez]

There's a little. There's a couple bugs.

[Joe Sanigato]

There's a thousand bugs in this place. We don't need it.

[Frank Alvarez]

You would have hated the beetle I saw this morning.

[Joe Sanigato]

You had a beetle?

[Frank Alvarez]

We saw a beetle about like that big this morning.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

Look at this bastard. I took a picture of it.

[Joe Sanigato]

Where was it?

[Frank Alvarez]

Right in my front yard.

[Joe Sanigato]

Oh, no, that sucks.

[Frank Alvarez]

It was.

[Joe Sanigato]

It was.

[Frank Alvarez]

It was a. It was a cool beetle.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah. Oh, wow. That's like a.

[Frank Alvarez]

That's a beetle, dude.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah, that's like a. Like a. That's like classic one.

[Frank Alvarez]

That's not the word. Like, I don't know what word you're looking for.

[Joe Sanigato]

Like a prehistoric.

[Frank Alvarez]

No, it's by definition not.

[Joe Sanigato]

Because I wanted to say like a textbook. Like you only really see pictures of beetles like that.

[Frank Alvarez]

It's a perf. It was a perfectly good beetle.

[Joe Sanigato]

It's a good beetle.

[Frank Alvarez]

It was a beautiful big one too. And he got stuck upside down. I had to help him over. No, I had to help him over his little legs.

[Joe Sanigato]

Was he kicking?

[Frank Alvarez]

He was kicking.

[Joe Sanigato]

Can he fly?

[Frank Alvarez]

He could, but not when he's upside down. Cuz his shell.

[Joe Sanigato]

Oh.

[Frank Alvarez]

You know, we got to get some beetles in here one day. One day. We should lock Joey in his office and just release 10,000 locusts.

[Joe Sanigato]

10,000 locusts? What are you, the Bible? Is he looking at me? Yeah, I am looking at you looking at me hard. Yeah. First of all, you don't even know where to get one locust. Do you know how big a locust is?

[Frank Alvarez]

No.

[Joe Sanigato]

That was a guess.

[Frank Alvarez]

That's not it. That's not it.

[Joe Sanigato]

They're big.

[Frank Alvarez]

That's not that.

[Joe Sanigato]

A locust. Aren't they big?

[Frank Alvarez]

They're grasshoppers, aren't they? No.

[Guest]

Locusts come from.

[Frank Alvarez]

Grasshoppers come from.

[Joe Sanigato]

Come from.

[Frank Alvarez]

Like the hell does that mean?

[Guest]

Grasshoppers, when they get really angry, they turn into locusts.

[Joe Sanigato]

Real.

[Frank Alvarez]

What? Kind of like why you're not gonna like me when I'm angry. They get. They grow big. Like the Hulk.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah, I'm not kidding.

[Guest]

I'm 40% sure. That's the fact.

[Frank Alvarez]

40% is that it's not even 50 to be on the basement yard when.

[Joe Sanigato]

They get mad, dude, they can't hold on.

[Frank Alvarez]

Grasshoppers don't turn into locusts. There's that 60% working hard.

[Guest]

Keep reading, keep reading.

[Frank Alvarez]

But rather, certain grasshopper species exhibit a phase change when environmental conditions trigger gregarious behavior. So they just decide they're gonna be aggressive, and they're like, I'm a locust now.

[Guest]

See, that's what I'm saying.

[Joe Sanigato]

And it causes them to swarm.

[Frank Alvarez]

Now, the locusts are trans. Oh. Oh, I bet the locusts are on this list.

[Joe Sanigato]

No, the locusts aren't trans. The grasshoppers are trying.

[Frank Alvarez]

That's what I meant.

[Guest]

But they get physical and behavioral shifts. They get angry and they turn into locusts.

[Joe Sanigato]

So they, like, try to.

[Frank Alvarez]

So a locust is just a state of mind.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

So it's not just, like, a physical thing. It's just like. You know what? I'm, like, gonna be big locust energy today.

[Joe Sanigato]

No, this is like when. So what this feels like is, like, locusts are, like, the real gangsters, you know?

[Frank Alvarez]

Okay.

[Joe Sanigato]

And then grasshoppers are like white kids from Long island, you know?

[Frank Alvarez]

And then I kind of hear what you're saying.

[Joe Sanigato]

Like, they try to. Like, they get mad. They have the N word, and then they're like, this is what they're doing. So it's kind of like that.

[Frank Alvarez]

That's exactly what it is. But if they get too mad, then they become Juggalos and go to, like, Insane Clown Posse concerts, but they never get there. They never get there to him.

[Joe Sanigato]

The Insane Clown Posse, they used to have bangers.

[Frank Alvarez]

What? You were an ICP fan?

[Joe Sanigato]

I wasn't an icp.

[Frank Alvarez]

You were a juggalo.

[Joe Sanigato]

My cousin was. He had a giant poster on the back of his door.

[Frank Alvarez]

That is one of the worst things I've heard about your family. That's. That by association is bad for everyone in your family.

[Joe Sanigato]

I'll take it. I mean.

[Frank Alvarez]

I mean, like, I think I, like, tweeted. I have. My friends from college, Kelsey and Eric, we had these, like, inside. Not inside jokes, but I would always do that thing that I do to you. I'm just like, oh, my God. You're a big fan of, like, you know, rioting and stuff like that. You know, just like to, like, get a rise out of people. And at one time tweeted at them that Like. Like, hey, you guys still big fans of the Insane Clown Posse? And they both texted me, and they were like, francisco. They were like, they're technically a terrorist organization. You can't be spreading shit. What, On Twitter, apparently. I don't think it's actually true.

[Joe Sanigato]

Oh. But, like, interesting. Maybe they were doing it back to you. Scared you. They did.

[Frank Alvarez]

I was just like, oh, shit. I'm sorry. I didn't. It was a joke. But, yeah, I didn't know that you were. You're a Juggalo adjacent.

[Joe Sanigato]

I don't. I mean, I'm not. I don't.

[Frank Alvarez]

I mean, it's like grasshoppers, frogs and toads, baby. You know, you could be a Juggalo. You just need a little bit of face paint, some baggy jeans, and a very specific hairstyle that could only be attributed to the early 2000s.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah, that is true. You know. Do you know the Insane Clown Posse?

[Frank Alvarez]

Never heard of Insane Clown Posse.

[Guest]

Never heard of him.

[Frank Alvarez]

Have you ever, like, Shaggy, too Dope? Is that that his name?

[Joe Sanigato]

I. I don't know.

[Guest]

That didn't jog the memory.

[Joe Sanigato]

Have you. Have you ever, like, had a clown around?

[Guest]

What is it, like.

[Joe Sanigato]

Like, at a birthday party, like, you.

[Frank Alvarez]

Clown around with people?

[Joe Sanigato]

You ever clown around?

[Guest]

I've seen a clown.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah. Like. Yeah, like, you. You, like, interacted with him.

[Guest]

I didn't hang out with him. He asked me to.

[Frank Alvarez]

Oh, that's.

[Joe Sanigato]

What does that mean?

[Frank Alvarez]

Yeah, that's a. If.

[Joe Sanigato]

All right.

[Frank Alvarez]

Hey, here.

[Joe Sanigato]

What do you mean he asked me to?

[Guest]

It's just. It happens sometimes.

[Frank Alvarez]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Joe Sanigato]

This is specific detail, and it doesn't happen sometimes.

[Frank Alvarez]

It's important to know for your safety and the safety of any children that may be watching.

[Guest]

I was curious about clown school, and I asked too many questions, and he started to, like, talk to me.

[Joe Sanigato]

Wait, where the hell did this happen?

[Guest]

Was that my cousin's birthday party?

[Joe Sanigato]

And you went up to the clown. You were like, what's school like?

[Frank Alvarez]

Yeah, I know clown school. Apparently, it's like. I don't know if it's still this way, but I learned this from Steve O. Who went to clown school. It's, like, one of the hardest, if not the hardest, school to get into in the country. Clown school. It was, like, more difficult to get into than, like, Harvard and Yale at the time. Okay, this is another one of those.

[Joe Sanigato]

Things that I don't believe. Just, like, the whispering hall or whatever the fuck that was.

[Frank Alvarez]

No, Steve O. From Jackass.

[Joe Sanigato]

Right?

[Frank Alvarez]

He went to clown school, and I Think, like, in, like, hindsight. I've listened to his podcast.

[Joe Sanigato]

Steve O got into a school that is harder to get into than Harvard, apparently.

[Frank Alvarez]

Like, they let in less people and have more applicants.

[Guest]

How many, what percentage of applicants do you think get accepted into clown school.

[Frank Alvarez]

Did you look at? It's gotta be. I don't know, the percentage, but from Stevo and maybe. All right, I'm saying. I'm gonna. Hold on. I'm saying, are we saying today. Because today might be a different standard. People aren't, you know, begging to get into clown school like they were in the early 90s.

[Joe Sanigato]

Here we go.

[Frank Alvarez]

Yeah, I would say 10%.

[Guest]

Okay, I'll.

[Joe Sanigato]

I'll. I'll even be nice.

[Guest]

I'll say 4, 2% of applicants get accepted into clown school.

[Frank Alvarez]

And now look up what Ivy League school percentage applicants get in.

[Guest]

In the writing here, it says it is less than Harvard.

[Frank Alvarez]

I fucking told you, Steve O. You fucking did well for me again. You let me down, buddy. Hell yeah.

[Joe Sanigato]

How many people are trying to be a clown?

[Frank Alvarez]

I mean, I don't know about today, but like, back in the day, bro, the 80s, big time for clowns. John Wayne Gacy ruined clowns. That was what, the 70s? 80s. 70s.

[Joe Sanigato]

I mean, I don't know, but it.

[Frank Alvarez]

Was like, are clowns even making bread like that? I mean, I'm sure if you get into like a good. Like, it's not like you then become a clown, but like, you could be like, you have clown skills and you could be just like a hahaheehee guy at a show. You go to the fucking box all the time.

[Joe Sanigato]

Those.

[Frank Alvarez]

There's no clowns there. You never know at next time you go to the box. In between when people are like pissing, throwing up, and crapping on each other, ask them if any of them went to clown school.

[Guest]

Okay, well, while we're having fun, do you want to. Do you want to guess the average salary of a circus clown?

[Frank Alvarez]

Oh, $10,000.

[Joe Sanigato]

I'm gonna say 42.

[Guest]

It's in between 46 and 85 per year they can get up there.

[Frank Alvarez]

Well, that's probably.

[Guest]

They need eight plus years of experience.

[Frank Alvarez]

To get up there, bruh. That's insane. What it says eight years of clowning.

[Joe Sanigato]

Around to make 42.

[Frank Alvarez]

No, no, that's. No, to make 85. To make 80. That's a great. I mean, I'm sure it is very physically demanding. And, you know, they always say, like, yeah, they're like the clown, the clown cries, you know, like there's like a story Like a famous story. Like, there's like, a sad clown or something like that. I don't remember what it's called. Pagliacci.

[Joe Sanigato]

This isn't jogging either of our memories here.

[Frank Alvarez]

Pagliacci. Pagg Li. What is that?

[Joe Sanigato]

Italian clown.

[Frank Alvarez]

I think it's like a story of an Italian sad clown. And it's like. It's. The moral of it is like he's the sad person or something like that. How does that even apply to this conversation?

[Guest]

He's right.

[Frank Alvarez]

How does that apply?

[Guest]

Oh, that part I don't know.

[Frank Alvarez]

This is a great day. To be frank, I'm two for two so far. Why do you know so much about clowns and the Whispering Wind Room or whatever it's called? I'm just like. It's like a story.

[Joe Sanigato]

Why'd you bring up the sad clown?

[Frank Alvarez]

Because I'm saying I'm sure that it is mentally and emotionally taxing on people to be a clown.

[Joe Sanigato]

Oh.

[Frank Alvarez]

So I'm sure, like, yeah, like that. 86, 000 being a clown, you think like, oh, it's easy work. But I'm sure that there is a level of weight that comes with it.

[Joe Sanigato]

That, yeah, you're a clown.

[Frank Alvarez]

Yeah, but, like, I'm sure that there's more to it. Like, no one ever asks a clown how they're doing or how their day is, you know?

[Joe Sanigato]

I mean, we don't know.

[Frank Alvarez]

When's the last time you asked a clown how their day was?

[Joe Sanigato]

I haven't even sniffed a clown or seen a clown.

[Frank Alvarez]

Sniffing a clown as the standard there is kind of crazy.

[Joe Sanigato]

I haven't been close enough to smell one.

[Frank Alvarez]

I respect to clowns. Hats off to clowns.

[Joe Sanigato]

I'm not.

[Frank Alvarez]

You sound a little disrespectful to clowns, Joe.

[Joe Sanigato]

What did I say?

[Frank Alvarez]

You're amazed at the amount of money they're making, which means you believe they're overpaid.

[Joe Sanigato]

That's not what I'm saying.

[Frank Alvarez]

I'm saying you spent eight years. You can't. You're flabbergasted. You're flabbergasted at the idea that clown college is the hardest school in the United States to get into.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yes, that is true. I am still flabbergasted by that.

[Frank Alvarez]

I mean, you know, it's an elite group of performers and entertainers that need skills that are outside of the realm of what common folk can do. It's not just about flips.

[Joe Sanigato]

How does it make sense, though, that that's the hardest school to get into and you're only, you're capped at 80.

[Frank Alvarez]

Well, because clowns aren't what they used to be, Joey.

[Joe Sanigato]

So why would. Why would people still want to be like, go. Why would people still want to be clown?

[Frank Alvarez]

I mean, sometimes, sometimes the clowning calls you sometimes. Sometimes, you know, people. There are some people that clown around and then there were some people that.

[Joe Sanigato]

Were born a clown around with clowns.

[Frank Alvarez]

They've been down with the clown, you know, and. And I'm sure the Insane Clown Posse didn't do great for the image of clowns.

[Joe Sanigato]

I. Positive.

[Frank Alvarez]

I can almost guarantee that Shaggy 2 Doben Janko jeans and face paint has negatively, negatively affected the clown image of clowns in our country. John Wayne Gacy didn't help either.

[Joe Sanigato]

Certainly not. I don't think anyone has done more damage to the clown community than him.

[Frank Alvarez]

I mean, bro, Bozo.

[Joe Sanigato]

Bozo was the guy.

[Frank Alvarez]

It was like the clown. Bozo the clown was like the biggest clown in the world.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

He'S like an icon.

[Joe Sanigato]

Still very confusing.

[Frank Alvarez]

But what's confusing about it? You know, some people would call us clowns.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

But technically we didn't get into this school. So they'd be wrong.

[Joe Sanigato]

Right. We are not documented clowns.

[Frank Alvarez]

We're not. We're not doctor of clowns. You know, we don't have a bachelors of clowning around.

[Joe Sanigato]

We have nothing.

[Frank Alvarez]

Well, I have degrees in some capacity. You have nothing.

[Joe Sanigato]

Well, you don't have clown degrees.

[Frank Alvarez]

Some people would say I do.

[Joe Sanigato]

That's true.

[Frank Alvarez]

That is true.

[Joe Sanigato]

Well, we also have sponsors.

[Frank Alvarez]

Surprisingly how they're. How we're still getting ads at this point. We do have sponsors.

[Joe Sanigato]

We have Stamps.com. stamps.com brings all the amazing services of the post office right to your fingertips with Sam's dot com. You go on their website, handles all your mailing and shipping needs wherever, whenever, seamlessly connect with every major marketplace or and shopping cart. If you sell products online, you can access all the USPS and UPS services you need. No lines, no traffic, no waiting. You can just, you know, log on to your computer and that's all you need. You can take care of it right there. There's no more, no more tedious postage math. They have a rate advisor that helps you calculate the best shipping rates fast. Not only that, not only is it going to save you time, but it's going to save you some money too. You can get rates you won't see anywhere else, like up to 89 off USPS and UPS rates. So you're saving time and you're saving money. So don't Waste time worrying about a postage expert or standing in line to drop off letters and packages. Go to stamps.com basement to sign up for a special offer. No contract. Cancel anytime. That is stamps.com basement yout'll get a four week trial free postage and a digital scale at stamps.com basement so there you go folks. You want to go to stamps.com you're going to sell some packages. You have a small business. Go to stamps.com basement and enjoy that folks. Okay? And we also have Squarespace. Okay, Squarespace is going to be the platform that you're going to use to build your website. Whether you create content or if you have a small business or whatever, your website is going to be your first impression. So it's important that it looks professional. And Squarespace is going to help you create a great looking website. And it's very easy thanks to their templates. You just click on them, you go through, there's a bunch of them. You find the right fit for you. They'll even give you suggestions if you have a certain type of business. They have suggestions on which templates you should use or which other people have used in the past. And you switch out the pictures and the text and you get moving. Right there you have a great looking website and they also have some tools that will help you optimize your traffic or let you know where things are coming from so that you can have the best possible website you can. Anytime that we create websites we are using squarespace.com and that's just a testament to how good their product is. So head to squarespace.com basement to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain using that code basement. Okay, so again, that is squarespace.com basement to save 10% off of your first purchase of a website or a domain using that code basement.

[Frank Alvarez]

Very nice, Joey. Good job with that ad read.

[Joe Sanigato]

You want to see me outdo it?

[Frank Alvarez]

Because I'm gonna baby. Patreon.com the Basement Yard it's big green Frank over here and I'm not clowning around when I talk to you, okay? I'm very serious right now. You guys want to continue to support the show which thank you for all you that have had in the past and will please continue to help us. Patreon.com Please play the. Hey, play the Sarah McLachlan song while I'm doing this. What? Play the Sarah McLaughlin song while I'm doing this.

[Joe Sanigato]

Nobody do it.

[Frank Alvarez]

Patreon.com amazemanyard all right, you sign up for that first year, you get these weekly episodes one week in advance. That second tier. Guess what? All right, you want to see this little. This little kitty cat here Gets head blown out. No, you don't.

[Joe Sanigato]

What? Get its head blown out. Yeah. Okay.

[Frank Alvarez]

Go to patreon.com the basement yard. The second tier, you get weekly episodes, exclusive episodes every single Friday. So you can start and end your week with the Basement yard. You see this little cute little puppy right here? You don't want anything to happen to this, so go to patreon.com the basement yard. And if you want to save yourself some money and, you know, all you gotta do is go to the web browser version, you know, patreon.com thebasement yard. And in order to sign up there, because if you use the app, then you're gonna have to spend extra money because those. The people that run those apps, you know, whoever they use it through, Apple, whoever, they charge extra money. So go check it out. Patreon.com the Basement Yard folks, if you're seeing this, we are back on tour. We have done some shows already. We are excited. See this little duck right here? Careful. What happens to it next? You better listen to me. Is the Sarah McLaughlin music still playing or is that.

[Joe Sanigato]

We're not CGI ing anything in your hands.

[Frank Alvarez]

You could put a duck right here. No, Josh, you got this. Oh, look here. Here, put a. Put a little penguin right here or something. We're back on the tour. We're back on the road. We're having a ton of fun doing these shows. So if you haven't been able to pick up a ticket, there are still some available. Go check it out@the basementyard.com there's tickets available in select cities. And we'd love to see you to come hang out with any of us. You know, whether it be Hollywood, Florida, whether it be Vegas, whether it be Madison Square Garden.

[Joe Sanigato]

Okay?

[Frank Alvarez]

So you could see. You could find those tickets@the basementyard.com and while you're at it, sorry, I gotta get rid of these animals. They're everywhere.

[Joe Sanigato]

What is this bit of you killing animals?

[Guest]

He's threatening to kill them.

[Frank Alvarez]

To be. To be clear, I'm not. I'm telling them that that's what someone out there will do if they don't listen to me. Guys, if you're coming to any of the shows, go to the basementyard.com submit sometimes when you submit, funny stories, interesting stories, crazy stories. We talk to you about you with you at one of the shows. You never know anything could happen. We had a Olympic gold medalist come on stage with us at one of the show. We did a gender reveal at one proposal at one. Anything could happen. But we won't be able to make it happen if you don't submit. So the basemanyard.com submit go check it out. We love you, we thank you and let's hope these animals are okay.

[Joe Sanigato]

Well I'm. I don't really know how to follow that up but I would like to watch that video that we have queued up. There's a video of a. What is it? It's like.

[Frank Alvarez]

So I was scouring the Internet and there is a video that came out. I'm not going to tell you the hook to the video. I'm just going to tell you that it was. I guess this is the most of the hook. Someone crashed a wedding.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

And got a hold of a microphone.

[Joe Sanigato]

Okay, can we. Can we pull this up?

[Frank Alvarez]

And things happened.

[Joe Sanigato]

I let this crazy woman attend my wedding and she crashed out.

[Frank Alvarez]

Just play it, play it.

[Guest]

It's 58 seconds by the way.

[Frank Alvarez]

I just gotta say crashed out. Kind of love it as terminology. It feels appropriate.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

Ready?

[Joe Sanigato]

Just be ready to pause at any moment.

[Frank Alvarez]

Okay.

[Joe Sanigato]

Okay.

[Frank Alvarez]

You are so lucky.

[Joe Sanigato]

You are the luckiest woman in the world. Dan is such a great guy. Well, I was just saying this is like getting a little crazy now could ever want. He's. He's kind, generous, successful, gorgeous.

[Frank Alvarez]

He's got an incredible body.

[Joe Sanigato]

Incredible body is a little crazy. Oh, but they laughed. Okay, fine.

[Frank Alvarez]

So clearly they think like okay, hahaha. I would do anything to be you, Carolyn. No, really, I would.

[Joe Sanigato]

Because Dan, you never even gave him a chance. You never even gave us a chance.

[Frank Alvarez]

I'm the one who taught you to make crab cake.

[Joe Sanigato]

No, what are you.

[Frank Alvarez]

You still be making crab. Pause this.

[Joe Sanigato]

She taught him how to. One. What the. And two. I taught you how to make crab cakes.

[Frank Alvarez]

I mean. Sounds pretty cool. Crab cakes are great.

[Joe Sanigato]

I mean how is that what you're benchmarking your like love on? This is such an insane thing to do at a wedding by the way.

[Frank Alvarez]

Which I don't know. They do it anymore. They do it anymore.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah. Someone if speak now. Why are we even doing this?

[Frank Alvarez]

Well, because I think it was probably like a thing back in like the medieval times where they were just like I throw down thy gauntlet.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah. To. To take her fight one on one for the wedding. Yeah. Like insane. Yeah. This woman is. Get her out of there. All right.

[Frank Alvarez]

What does she have that I don't? I Asian, too.

[Joe Sanigato]

I'm Asian too. I'm Asian too.

[Frank Alvarez]

Can I ask you a serious question?

[Joe Sanigato]

Is it about Asians?

[Frank Alvarez]

No. We talked about them earlier with ASMR stuff. What would you do if your wedding, like, a crazy ex popped up and did something like that?

[Joe Sanigato]

Luckily, I do not have an ex that I think is an insane person.

[Frank Alvarez]

I know. I'm not saying, like, I'm not telling you to scour the fucking, you know, the, the annex of X's that you have. I'm just saying, like.

[Joe Sanigato]

Scour the annex.

[Frank Alvarez]

I'm just saying, like, what is your reaction if something like this happens to you?

[Joe Sanigato]

Speechless.

[Frank Alvarez]

Just.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah. Like, if someone was like, no. Like, why I would be like, somebody. Shooter.

[Frank Alvarez]

With a, With a real gun. The gun that was being aimed at those poor animals before.

[Joe Sanigato]

No, like a. Done. No, I mean, like, I. Honestly, like, a real answer is like, I, I, I would be speechless.

[Frank Alvarez]

I, I mean, I would have to get up and remove this person with the assistance of other people.

[Joe Sanigato]

I mean, I'm not going to, like.

[Frank Alvarez]

If I look at you and I go, let's go. You're not coming with me. And, like, whose wedding is it? Mine.

[Joe Sanigato]

Oh, oh, it's your wedding.

[Frank Alvarez]

Yeah. Or yours.

[Joe Sanigato]

I mean, I would hope that I don't have to get up at my own wedding to do this. Like, that someone would do something.

[Frank Alvarez]

Oh, so you'd look at me and you'd give me the look.

[Joe Sanigato]

You'd go, frank, yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

Like, if it was your wedding, unleash the hounds.

[Joe Sanigato]

If it was your wedding and one of your exes was, like, just showed up and started acting crazy, like I'm ushering this girl.

[Frank Alvarez]

You think so? Absolutely. Oh, I think. Well, there would have my sister and some of her friends that would have been in my wedding might have had.

[Joe Sanigato]

Something to do with that first. Well, yeah, for sure. Yeah. I could see your sister going nuts there, but I.

[Frank Alvarez]

God, my sister, bro, I can't even imagine. Because, listen, regardless of what this situation is, God, that is so wildly uncomfortable for the, for the bride if she was with the groom.

[Joe Sanigato]

Not only that. I mean, everyone involved. Absolutely. That would be just devastating. But, like, if you're this person, what.

[Frank Alvarez]

Are you hoping to get out of this? That the dude's gonna go, all right, well, I think out of here, you're, you're, you're obviously trying to put yourself in the mind of someone that has some form of a delusion. So, like. Yep. In their mind, they probably have convinced themselves that this is gonna be, like, the thing that wins Them back rom coms have ruined.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

So much of that because like people think like if I show up when he's about to get on the plane with his girlfriend, he'll see me and.

[Joe Sanigato]

Just don't.

[Frank Alvarez]

Do people get into clown school before something like that actually happens? There's a better chance of you getting into clouds. Yeah. What's up?

[Joe Sanigato]

You have a question?

[Guest]

Is it selfish of me to hope that this happens at a wedding that you're attending?

[Joe Sanigato]

It's not. But I would like it to happen at a wedding too. But if I can pick who it happens to.

[Guest]

Okay.

[Joe Sanigato]

Because I don't want it to happen to someone that I like, actually really care about. If I'm like at a fringe friend wedding, I'm awful.

[Frank Alvarez]

Oh, so like a, like a, like an uncle's cousins getting married or something like that. Not related by marriage and you're just like, something needs to spice this up.

[Joe Sanigato]

A little bit or selfishly, like, you know, like an in laws wedding or like a, you know, your partner's fucking their friends. Like I don't.

[Frank Alvarez]

So. So someone tangentially.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah. Not. Not mine.

[Frank Alvarez]

Gotcha. Someone. Gotcha.

[Joe Sanigato]

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

[Frank Alvarez]

Okay. I'm going to add a layer to this that I think is going to make you lose your mind.

[Joe Sanigato]

Okay.

[Frank Alvarez]

You know me. You know I'm all for a good joke and sometimes those jokes fall flat. What would you do if I told you that this was staged by the groom as a prank on his wife?

[Joe Sanigato]

Frank? Is that what this is? Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

So reportedly.

[Joe Sanigato]

Oh, you divorce that guy.

[Frank Alvarez]

You don't even finish the. You don't even. I mean, I guess the papers are probably signed at that point.

[Joe Sanigato]

If I'm her, if I'm the bride, I'd be like, are you a fucking idiot? Why would you think this would go well?

[Frank Alvarez]

Because here's the thing. I love pranks. Joey prank Frank pranky. Frankie. I'm all about pranks. But this is ruining the night for everyone in every single person. Every single person in the bride's family. And it is so wildly selfish.

[Joe Sanigato]

You're the only one that gets something.

[Frank Alvarez]

You're the only one that thinks it's funny, which, that is so dumb.

[Joe Sanigato]

That's what happened.

[Frank Alvarez]

No wonder there are rates of women just not having relationships with men more than ever before.

[Joe Sanigato]

Bro, that is the dumbest. I like. What is the thought process of like.

[Frank Alvarez]

Oh, it's a, it's a just kid.

[Joe Sanigato]

I hired her.

[Frank Alvarez]

Even if the, even if that person were to laugh immediately, the storm that is coming behind the scenes of just like, what the fuck? Like what? In front of my family. Like, dude.

[Joe Sanigato]

And if. If I was at a wedding like this and the joke went well, I would stand up and be like, what's.

[Frank Alvarez]

Wrong with all of you morons?

[Joe Sanigato]

This is wrong and dumb.

[Frank Alvarez]

This is. You're all idiots.

[Joe Sanigato]

And I'm leaving. Like, that would be insane.

[Frank Alvarez]

I think, like, I'm. Now I'm putting myself in somebody else's shoes here. I'm gonna put myself in the shoes of. This is my daughter getting married.

[Joe Sanigato]

Bro.

[Frank Alvarez]

I'm telling you right now, I'm getting a gun and I'm shooting that dude in the back of the head. Front of the head. In front of his parents.

[Joe Sanigato]

My daughter's wedding. And he pulls a prank.

[Frank Alvarez]

Like, this is.

[Joe Sanigato]

I rip his suit off.

[Frank Alvarez]

And the suit jacket.

[Joe Sanigato]

I meant, like, I'm roughing him up. You're. You're.

[Frank Alvarez]

I don't know where you're going. You said suit. And suit is traditionally two pieces. I strip him, I get his cock out, and I say, how dare you? And I batted around.

[Joe Sanigato]

All right, all right. Now you go crazy now with the bat.

[Frank Alvarez]

Oh, you know what? I'd be with you. I'd rip his suit off and I'd shoot him in the penis.

[Joe Sanigato]

What do you mean I'm with you?

[Frank Alvarez]

Like, I was gonna say that I'm with you with the whole ripping the suit off. That where you go after the suit is ripped off, I can't be on board with. Because I don't know. I know that if this was my daughter, I'd let you rip the suit off because you really want to do that for some reason. And then I'm. I'm pointing the gun at his penis and I'm shooting until it. Until it is dust.

[Joe Sanigato]

What I'm finding interesting is that, like, everyone in the background's laughing. Like, did they know.

[Guest]

It could be awkward laughing. That's what I would do the whole time.

[Frank Alvarez]

Somehow I would just as bad. I would literally be like I was if I was the bride and everyone else in the room knew but me. That's.

[Joe Sanigato]

Oh, that's hard.

[Frank Alvarez]

Wait, that's so bad.

[Joe Sanigato]

I don't want to say divorcing my family as well.

[Frank Alvarez]

Yeah, just be like, all of you thought this would be a hahahi moment.

[Joe Sanigato]

Nah.

[Frank Alvarez]

Every single one of you take out your penises. I'm gonna shoot.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah, we're all shooting.

[Frank Alvarez]

We're gonna shoot everyone's penis there.

[Joe Sanigato]

Get out of here. Yeah, it's too crazy.

[Guest]

There's an argument. If this is this guy's sense of humor, nobody really likes him anyway.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

The fact that you found a woman to marry you with this sense of humor is astonishing as it is.

[Joe Sanigato]

I mean, that's exactly why you should play it safe and not do stuff like this, because there's no way you find another. So just chill.

[Frank Alvarez]

You know who should get married? This guy. And the guy that gave the speech where it's just like, the happiest I am is when the kids go to sleep and you start ball gagging on my fucking shaft.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah, yeah. Yo, I saw another one like that bad, where a guy was like. I assume before the clip, the woman gave her vows or whatever, and the guy goes, I can't wait to tap that whenever. I won't. And just, like, laughs. And the priest is like. Or the officiant's like, that's all you're gonna say? He's like, yep. And he's like, seriously? That's all you're gonna say?

[Frank Alvarez]

And then they cheers with monster energy.

[Joe Sanigato]

And the. And the. And the guy was like, can you try and find that?

[Frank Alvarez]

Oh, my God.

[Joe Sanigato]

It's like, I can tap that ass whenever I want or something like that.

[Frank Alvarez]

Okay, tap that. First of all.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah, it ain't 1999.

[Frank Alvarez]

Yeah, I'll tap that ass. Is a craziest ways. Like, this guy's favorite movie is Joe Dirt. And the guy. Second of all, if you want to get specific, that's another good. That's whenever that person wants, not whenever you want, hillbilly boy.

[Joe Sanigato]

It's like, I could tap that ass. Whatever.

[Frank Alvarez]

Well, something like that.

[Joe Sanigato]

He said something like that.

[Guest]

Smack that ass.

[Joe Sanigato]

Oh, maybe it's that.

[Guest]

Okay, I think I got it.

[Joe Sanigato]

Maybe it's smack that ass. Which is like, still. I mean, the efficient kept going, like, for real. Like, you're not gonna.

[Frank Alvarez]

And he's like, didn't write anything. That's what he said. He gave him. How many chances did he give them?

[Joe Sanigato]

Like three.

[Frank Alvarez]

Too many.

[Joe Sanigato]

Dude. Insane.

[Frank Alvarez]

I wouldn't even. I would have cut him off. I could tap that. Stop. Yeah, just say I do and I'm. And I would turn around and leave. I'd leave their papers on the altar. Be like, find someone else to submit these because I'm not doing this bad.

[Joe Sanigato]

This is it. That's it. That's it. I promise to smack that.

[Frank Alvarez]

Oh, another white guy. Shocker.

[Joe Sanigato]

Well, you have to turn the volume on, brother.

[Guest]

Right. I gotcha.

[Joe Sanigato]

All right, here we go.

[Guest]

All right, here we go.

[Joe Sanigato]

I promise to smack Every chance I get. That's all I got.

[Frank Alvarez]

Are you sure I didn't write nothing down.

[Joe Sanigato]

That's what you're going out with?

[Frank Alvarez]

That's what I'm going with.

[Joe Sanigato]

We've made it this long.

[Frank Alvarez]

And he goes, we've made it this long yet.

[Joe Sanigato]

Oh, my God. Cut his head off.

[Frank Alvarez]

Cut it off. Cut it off.

[Joe Sanigato]

Dude.

[Frank Alvarez]

He's like letting you know right now. Guys, just stop. Just stop. Just stop. It's so easy. It's so fucking easy. It's okay to say nice stuff to your wife. It's not gay. It's not gay. It never was. It's so cool. It's cool to be nice to your wife. You know, I. I have the greatest wife in the world. You know how, how excited to love her and tell people how much I love her. That's all you gotta do. Say nice stuff. Oh, my God. Nice.

[Joe Sanigato]

You stupid.

[Frank Alvarez]

Oh, I can't wait to diet. Oh, who is that even for? I would if I was his wife. The first time he smacked my ass, I'm crapping in his hand. Are you kidding me?

[Joe Sanigato]

This is just constantly on his hands. If he smacked my butt.

[Frank Alvarez]

Come in close. Pull in close. Josh, you close. It's so easy.

[Joe Sanigato]

Just stop.

[Frank Alvarez]

All you got to do is those, those, those what you think is funny. Don't do that. Just buy, buy a small filter and just filter them through there.

[Joe Sanigato]

It's crazy.

[Frank Alvarez]

That's all you gotta do.

[Joe Sanigato]

I could.

[Frank Alvarez]

I'm becoming Sebastian, man.

[Joe Sanigato]

Slap that ass every chance I get. We should cut his hands off.

[Frank Alvarez]

He. The only ass he should be smacking is his pantsuits when they're on the ground and I shoot his penis off.

[Joe Sanigato]

Well, that's. We have ads. I forget we have more ads, and I don't even know. I think there should be a timeout clock or something for that timeout.

[Frank Alvarez]

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[Joe Sanigato]

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[Frank Alvarez]

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[Joe Sanigato]

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[Frank Alvarez]

Beautiful. You all right? You can't breathe or something?

[Joe Sanigato]

No, I'm just like astounded by them. Flabbergasted.

[Frank Alvarez]

What's the like? I mean, I think we actually recently spoke about this, so never mind. But what would you do if you saw this at a wedding? If You're. If it's your wedding, like, I'm getting married.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Guest]

I'd hope someone stepped in way earlier. Also, the fact that someone gave her a mic is confusing, but now I know it was a joke.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Guest]

It would have stopped right away, I think.

[Frank Alvarez]

So that means several people were in on it.

[Joe Sanigato]

Well, the husband was.

[Guest]

Yeah. As long.

[Joe Sanigato]

So he kind of calls the shots there.

[Guest]

You just need him to be in on.

[Frank Alvarez]

Yeah.

[Joe Sanigato]

If the bride or groom wants something, they usually get it.

[Frank Alvarez]

Oh, my God. I like. That is.

[Joe Sanigato]

Bro, run that idea by literally one person and they're gonna. They're gonna tell you, like, hey, hey, hey. Don't.

[Frank Alvarez]

Unless this is like one of those, like, tick tock couples that, like, prank each other. You know what I'm talking about?

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

Where it's like, where. You know the one where, like, the girl walks in and he, like, perfectly shoots a dart at, like, a milk balloon above the door, you know? What is that? Dude?

[Joe Sanigato]

Is that shaving cream? Is it milk? Is it. Whatever it is, there's no way it's.

[Frank Alvarez]

Come on, guys. Yeah, you ain't getting me, fellas. Come on, everybody. Like, we're not. Who do you think we are?

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

This is the king of the Internet, dude. This guy knows everything that happens on there. Everything.

[Joe Sanigato]

Well, I've never accessed the dark web.

[Frank Alvarez]

Meaning I don't even want to say the word because it scares me.

[Joe Sanigato]

Dark web? Yeah. Why?

[Frank Alvarez]

It's scary to me.

[Joe Sanigato]

Why? You don't want to buy, like, a kidney?

[Frank Alvarez]

No.

[Joe Sanigato]

Me neither.

[Frank Alvarez]

No, I don't either. Dude, that's a very easy and obvious answer there.

[Joe Sanigato]

I don't want to buy.

[Frank Alvarez]

How would you even go about finding that? I don't know how many people you think. Just Google it and then you Google dark.

[Joe Sanigato]

Where's the dark web?

[Frank Alvarez]

Where is it? How I get there?

[Joe Sanigato]

How do I get to the deep dark web?

[Frank Alvarez]

How do I get there so I can prove that this list never existed? Oh, my God. Do your own research.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah, no, I've never accessed the dark web. Never done anything like that, so.

[Frank Alvarez]

Did you see that? Liquid death has a flavor coming out that is fruity pebble milk flavor water.

[Joe Sanigato]

I mean, that. I don't know how good that sounds. Milk water.

[Frank Alvarez]

I don't think it's like milk, but I think I looked it up the other day. It's fruity here. Back with a bizarre beverage. This time they've taken breakfast. The canned water brand is partnering with Fruity Pebbles to launch a new sparkling water that tastes like cereal. And milk combo.

[Joe Sanigato]

I would try it, but it sounds like it'll be rough.

[Frank Alvarez]

Listen, it's not liking it. Listen to me right now. When's the last time you had Fruity Pebbles and you just swam amongst the pebbles?

[Joe Sanigato]

I had them like eight months ago.

[Frank Alvarez]

Very specific. Why. Why are you so. Was it like a Christmas time?

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

You have Christmas Pebbles?

[Joe Sanigato]

No, it was just the regular ones, but I did have them.

[Guest]

I thought the timeline was gonna be way longer, so that's impressive to me.

[Frank Alvarez]

Yeah, I think it might have been longer for me. It might have been a couple years.

[Joe Sanigato]

Well, I mean, I don't. I haven't eaten cereal in a very long time. And then I was like it, let's get some Fruity Pebbles.

[Frank Alvarez]

Hell yeah.

[Joe Sanigato]

And then I ate it every day for like three days.

[Frank Alvarez]

I'm kind of excited for when they take all those like, unnatural dyes out of the food so I can then just get back into Fruity Pebbles.

[Joe Sanigato]

I don't think it'll still be good though.

[Frank Alvarez]

Oh, I'm sure though, it's. I'm not worried about the sugar. I'm worried about the like, red 40.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah, that's not great.

[Frank Alvarez]

Because I know if I bring it into the house, I'm gonna have it and then I'm gonna have it. My kids are gonna have it, and I can't give them.

[Joe Sanigato]

Right.

[Frank Alvarez]

What could potentially be poison.

[Joe Sanigato]

Right.

[Frank Alvarez]

You know, I gotta be responsible. So maybe I'll like, closet. You know how, like, people closet, smoke cigarettes in their house.

[Joe Sanigato]

You're gonna closet eat Fruity Pebbles.

[Frank Alvarez]

Bingo.

[Joe Sanigato]

You could just wait till they go to sleep and then just get a little.

[Frank Alvarez]

I'm normally tired by the time they're in sleep.

[Joe Sanigato]

What time do they usually go to sleep? Children?

[Frank Alvarez]

Maeve is between 7 and 7:30. But once that sun starts setting earlier, she's going. She's 6, 6:30. She's getting spiked into bed.

[Joe Sanigato]

Like that mouse. Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

Ruby, honestly, I'm not even kidding. It has to do with the time of the year during the winter when the sun sets at like 4:30, they're ready for bed at like 6:30. Ruby's a little later now. She's in bed by like 8:30 now. But like, again, what about Miles? What? My time did I go to sleep back then? During the school year, his bedtime was like. He had to start like brushing his teeth at like 8:15 and he's in bed by like 8:45.

[Joe Sanigato]

Okay.

[Frank Alvarez]

And. But he's. Honestly, he's the toughest one to get to bed because Like Maeve, we put into bed. Shut the door. Good night. She stays there, Ruby. She sits there. She reads. She keeps her light on. She turns it off, puts herself to sleep. It's the cutest thing in the world. Miles. I just wanted to come out and talk to you guys. I just wanted to. Oh, my God, I'm so hungry. Literally, he just wants to chill. Yeah. And it's cute, and I know I'll miss it one day, but, like, I'll be in bed, like, dozing off. Rebecca and I will be watching something, and he'll be like, kiki, can you. Can you go make me, like, a pizza bagel? And I'm like, dude, it's 9 o'. Clock. Like, I'm not gonna go and make you a full meal. He's like, all right, I'll just have a waffle.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah, but can't.

[Frank Alvarez]

Yeah, it's. It's a. It's a. It's an art getting kids to sleep.

[Joe Sanigato]

An art. It's a dance. Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

Oh, Santa gets thrown out a lot, you know. Oh. Once you start getting there, San is watching. Guys. No. Even during the summer. Even during the summer, yeah. You really want Santa to find out, you know? Okay, I'm gonna call him.

[Joe Sanigato]

You know, I'll give him a ring.

[Frank Alvarez]

I'll give him a buzz. Santa's the ultimate tool.

[Joe Sanigato]

It's a good one.

[Guest]

You know, not to get to Christmas in July, but. Elf on a Shelf. You guys use that?

[Joe Sanigato]

I. I mean, I don't have children.

[Frank Alvarez]

The elf started appearing two years ago, and let me tell you, whoever called him. Becca.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

We bit off a little more than we could chew.

[Joe Sanigato]

Why, like, now it's like every.

[Frank Alvarez]

So, like, every night it's supposed to do something creative. And, like, Becca's very creative. She's very good at that stuff.

[Joe Sanigato]

She.

[Frank Alvarez]

She. The elf brought, like, little, like, trinkets and stuff. So, like, she. She. But, like, she'll be in bed and she'll be like, oh, my God, I forgot the elf. And I'll be like, I got it. And I go out there and I just stand there like this for 20 minutes.

[Joe Sanigato]

You don't know what to do.

[Frank Alvarez]

What do I do?

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

So every now and then, I'll just, like, throw him in, like, a cereal box.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

Be like, he's eating cereal. That's crazy.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah, yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

You know. Oh, my God. And Becca will do one where he, like, made a slide out of toilet paper and mine. He's just, like, hanging out at the front door.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to have some balance. Because if they're all insane, it's like, what?

[Frank Alvarez]

It's a lot, dude. It's a lot. Creating magic for your kids is really difficult. I don't consider myself a hero, but if anyone decided to call me one.

[Joe Sanigato]

Anyone? Anyone at all? Anyone? I've seen crazy ones on Tick Tock where it's like, look at this elf taking a dump. And I'm like, what is this?

[Frank Alvarez]

Yeah, there were ones that.

[Joe Sanigato]

Or it was on like a, A wire or something.

[Frank Alvarez]

Becca did that one where he was zip lining through the house.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah, that's what it was.

[Frank Alvarez]

With like clothes pins. There was another one that she did. Oh, she set up like a date night with a Barbie and the elf on the shelf.

[Joe Sanigato]

Damn. Yeah, that's cool.

[Guest]

My mom would continuously move him every day closer to my little brother's room. And eventually when it got close enough, he just started to cry every night because he. He didn't want it to get any closer.

[Frank Alvarez]

Yeah, I like, that's terrifying.

[Joe Sanigato]

Isn't there a rule, like, you can't look at it in the eyes or something?

[Frank Alvarez]

I think that's Medusa.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah. No. Isn't there something though?

[Frank Alvarez]

Not that I know of.

[Guest]

You're not supposed to touch it.

[Frank Alvarez]

Yes, that's what it is. Yeah. If you touch it, it like loses its magic and it can't because the, the idea is that every night it goes to report back to the North Pole and then comes back and if you touch it, it loses its.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

Magic. But like, there have been like accidents where like one of us had touched it. And Miles, just like I heard, if you put cinnamon on it, it brings the magic back. So, like, I'll get home and there'll be just like a cinnamon freaking chalk outline of this elf on the shelf on the floor that fell on the floor.

[Joe Sanigato]

Like, damn.

[Guest]

My mom put a picture of my little. My youngest brother with it and said, I love you. Like geo.

[Frank Alvarez]

That's terrifying. Yeah, looking back, it was very scary actually.

[Joe Sanigato]

You fucking better not.

[Frank Alvarez]

I'm watching you. Yeah.

[Joe Sanigato]

I wrote a letter to Santa once when I was younger and my mom wrote me the letter back. And she has like unbelievable handwriting. And it was from someone named Jingles. An elf named Jingles. Duh. And I was like, oh, my God, bro. And then I wrote another letter to Jingles and the next letter my mom wrote was like, oh, I'm busy.

[Frank Alvarez]

I can't keep writing letters right enough.

[Joe Sanigato]

She realized that, like, I'm just going to pen pal this fucking elf every day.

[Frank Alvarez]

Your mom Just totally. Just like, fucking ghosted you as this fucking jingle as an elf. Yeah, it's just like, hi, I'm. It's. It's me. Jingles, I love bringing you Christmas joy. Oh, my God. Jingles, I love you. All right, take it the fuck easy.

[Joe Sanigato]

It was literally like the next letter was like, all right, I'm so busy at the factory. Can't write back ever again. Be good.

[Frank Alvarez]

All right, listen, I got work tomorrow, so, like, we'll talk in a couple of days. I'll hit you up.

[Joe Sanigato]

I can't spend the night. I have work really early in the morning, so I'll call you.

[Frank Alvarez]

Listen, that was a really cool first date, but honestly, like, let's just wait to talk again.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah, so it was. It was basically like that.

[Frank Alvarez]

Yeah. Oh, we're big into. You know, it's a bit. We're a big Santa house, yo.

[Joe Sanigato]

Once. Once, one Christmas when I was very young, I was like, I gotta know if this shit is real or not. So my parents put me to sleep, and I just waited. And what I felt like was long enough that they would be like. If it was that, they'd be putting the presents there or whatever, you know? So then I woke up, and I just sprinted down the stairs, and my mom's just sitting on the couch. It's probably like 40 minutes, mind you. Like, I'm a child, so it's probably like 8:45.

[Frank Alvarez]

And she was just like, what?

[Joe Sanigato]

And I'm like, holy. It's real. Like, that's what did it for me.

[Frank Alvarez]

You want. I almost. So when it was just Miles, Becca and I. He was maybe three and a half at the time they were out. Like, she had gone to pick him up. And I was at our apartment, and I was, you know, kind of getting something ready for Christmas, but they pulled up and. And she couldn't, like, buy time, so I, like, set the thing up really quick. But I was gonna, like, leave and make it look like I came back, so I just sprinkled powdered sugar on me and fell on the floor. They were like, what happened? And I was just like, what? I think Santa hit me with magic dust and put me to sleep. And to this day. To this day, he brings it up. I'm telling you right now. Why did you do that again? I, like, couldn't because, like, the pla. I forgot the exact reasoning, but the idea was like, oh, I just need to make it look like, please don't clip this, because obviously this is how my child finds out. I'm Gonna fucking let you take my pants off and shoot me in the pants.

[Joe Sanigato]

Wait, so why did you do that originally?

[Frank Alvarez]

Just, like, I didn't have time to, like, get out of there or, like, make it look like it was, like, really, like, properly staged by Santa. So I was like, let me just.

[Joe Sanigato]

Oh.

[Frank Alvarez]

Because they were coming home. They were coming home. So I was just like. I sprinkled some on me, and I fell to the ground, and I was like, you know, like, cartoon.

[Joe Sanigato]

So when they opened the door, you were on the ground?

[Frank Alvarez]

Yeah. And they. And did you tell Becca you were doing this afterwards? She was just, like, quick thinking. Or I might have told her, like, as they were pulling up, because she was just like, I can't buy time anymore. He needs to get inside. And I was just like, all right, just go with the flow. Or, like, I'm gonna be like, pretend, you know, Just leading her to the river.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

And then he came in, and I was just like. And he brings it up to this day. He's like, do you remember when Santa use sleep powder on you? And I'm like, I don't remember because I was asleep. I would have never thought of that. Yeah, you get. Dude, it's kind of fun how creative you get with these kids.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

You know. Oh, my God.

[Joe Sanigato]

And they're so gullible. My God. I'm gonna get creative with it, dude.

[Frank Alvarez]

It almost brought me to tears the first time. Because, like, those first, like, two years, the kids don't really get it.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

But like last Christmas, when Ruby, like.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

And fucking sprinted outside. Oh, my.

[Joe Sanigato]

Sprinted outside?

[Frank Alvarez]

Yeah, like, into the front yard.

[Joe Sanigato]

Why?

[Frank Alvarez]

She heard Jingle Bells and saw a light moving in the sky and was like, it's Santa.

[Joe Sanigato]

What are you referring to?

[Frank Alvarez]

Well, on Christmas Eve, Santa, we. The kids have to go to sleep because Santa's on his way.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

We have the Santa tracker up. And when they're in bed and they're, like, getting ready to go to sleep.

[Joe Sanigato]

Oh, you have it, like, oh, he's over Albany.

[Frank Alvarez]

No, you can hear this. The sleigh bells. And you can hear, you know, ho, ho, ho, ho. They're like, he's here. You gotta get to sleep. You did that every year.

[Joe Sanigato]

That's awesome.

[Frank Alvarez]

Every year.

[Joe Sanigato]

Oh, you. They wait until they can hear them. How can they hear them?

[Frank Alvarez]

No, because what I. Is this. You kids go away.

[Joe Sanigato]

Is this you running around the house?

[Frank Alvarez]

So I'll either. So I used to run. So I. The way our setup used to be is I used to run outside and I used To. With a big bell. Do it myself at yo. As loud as you could be. It's like, fucking. Yeah, of course. And then I would sneak back in and be like, I was in the bathroom. What happened? And now what I do is I put. At our old house, I put it in the attic. And then I did one year where it was outside, but I put a Bluetooth speaker.

[Joe Sanigato]

Oh.

[Frank Alvarez]

And I play. I'll be like, standing in the doorway, and I'll play it on my phone. And it's like. And they're. Yo. Their face. If I could bottle that, if I could take a picture of their faces, give it to whomever scientist could turn that into a drug, I would be the biggest cokehead on the planet.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

Because it is. Why the confusion?

[Guest]

I thought you were gonna name it a different drug.

[Frank Alvarez]

He just went to coke. I was like, oh. He's like, it's not that he would do that drug. He's like, I would just do cocaine. That's what I'm saying. I would do that drug if that was my cocaine.

[Joe Sanigato]

Wow.

[Frank Alvarez]

You're. You'll be there both. That's. So if you guys choose and are lucky enough to. They. They.

[Joe Sanigato]

So they hear it every year. And then they run to bed.

[Frank Alvarez]

They're in bed already. And then they run to the front and they look outside. I'm like, guys, come on quick. Gotta get inside. And they fucking run and stumble and bend. It's adorable.

[Joe Sanigato]

Damn, that's awesome.

[Frank Alvarez]

Love that.

[Guest]

You are. You are a hero.

[Joe Sanigato]

That's great. He did it.

[Guest]

I'll give it to you.

[Joe Sanigato]

He did it. I'll give it to you.

[Guest]

You are one.

[Frank Alvarez]

Way to go. Thanks, buddy. Way to go. Way to go. Way to go. Champagne. Way to go. Good job, sport.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah. No, that's amazing.

[Frank Alvarez]

So back to what I was saying. You trying this Liquid Death water?

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah, I would try it. Let's get a case in here.

[Frank Alvarez]

Yo, hit up Liquid Death, yo. Hit him up. Hit him up. Limp biscuits.

[Joe Sanigato]

Did you notice, by the way, at the Hard Rock, they had in a glass case one of his hats?

[Frank Alvarez]

No. Did they.

[Joe Sanigato]

Picture of it.

[Frank Alvarez]

Damn. That would have been a sick thing to see.

[Joe Sanigato]

Yeah.

[Frank Alvarez]

Put your hands off. They also had just, like, people's pajamas. Like, I left the elevator. It was like, this is Elvis's pajamas and Frank Sinatra's pajamas. I'm like, why?

[Joe Sanigato]

The pajamas are like Tommy Lee's shoes and Miley Cyrus's shirt.

[Frank Alvarez]

I saw Nicki Minaj's like. But bustier. Or what's it called?

[Joe Sanigato]

Corset.

[Frank Alvarez]

That's it like? I think I saw like, what's his name? Kurt Cobain was in like a cheerleading costume that was there.

[Joe Sanigato]

Interesting.

[Frank Alvarez]

I'm getting hungry.

[Joe Sanigato]

What was that transition?

[Frank Alvarez]

Because. Because where the. Where that outfit was right next to where the food was served.

[Joe Sanigato]

Kurt Cobain in a cheerleading costume. I am starving. Well, there you have it, folks. We, we must go.

[Frank Alvarez]

No, we mustn't.

[Joe Sanigato]

We must, must.

[Frank Alvarez]

Yeah.

[Joe Sanigato]

Must, must, must. But Frank, where can they find you?

[Frank Alvarez]

The Frank Alvarez all over social media. Go check out the basement yard out on Patreon. Patreon.com the basement yard. If you haven't and you want to try to get tickets to any of our upcoming shows that are still available, go to the basementyard.com Hollywood, Florida. Got some left. Vegas. There's some left. Scattered places. Go check it out@the basementyard.com thank you for all the love and support we've been getting. And if you're coming to any of the shows, the basementyard.com submit Yep.

[Joe Sanigato]

You guys follow me at Joe Sanigato and go follow the show at the basement yard and everything. And that is all. See you guys next time.