A (3:17)
Change from Mr. Oh yeah, everything kind of went to, didn't it? But let's focus on a recent moment that deserves the Ben After Dark treatment. It was the biggest Spanish concert since that little boy met dead people. Where should I put my shoes? I'm Yamor. I M Yamor. You say? Put them on your head. I'm Yamor. I m Yamor. He would have been better. Just he. He would have. Listen, I'm not going to sit here and bash everything about the Bad Bunny halftime show that would be truly just out of unwarranted spite. There were definitely some cool parts, the production value stellar. He fell through a roof. But I mean, Lil Jon did do that first. Turn down for what? Turn down for what? The performance looked cinematic, the setup was cool, and visually it was pretty satisfying. But you know what else was all those things. Waterworld. You know, he's like a turd that won't flush. And the Waterworld script sucked. It lacked substance, no one understood it, the storytelling was confusing, and as a larger piece of art, it absolutely bombed. El Bombo. Listen, I don't think I translated that right, but that's my review of the Bad Bunny super bowl performance. Just because famous Latinos and for some reason Alex Earl, who is as white as Birkenstocks, joined him on stage doesn't make it revolutionary. And if I followed the story correctly, if he builds a baseball field in Puerto Rico, dead players show up. If you build it he will come. Wow. Two Kevin Costner references. Someone likes the 80s. Come on. His music is terrible. In liberals, conservatives, we can all finally agree on one thing. It was just heavy breathing into a microphone. It's not even rapping. As a professional rapper, I can say that just rattling off Spanish words during an asthma attack. Calling this an American halftime show is like calling Chipotle Mexican cuisine. And the end was just a geography lesson of the Western hemisphere wrapped in a slogan for kindness. God bless America, Bolivia, Venezuela. They could have gotten that with 160 cameo from Mr. Feeney. I think education is vital to our society and it can be a very gratifying profession. That's. That's John Adams. He is. He will always be John Adams. Not Mr. Feeney. Bad Bunny's music has no melody, no actual rhythm. It's just continuous bass. Like a terrible hotel you booked without knowing it had a nightclub downstairs. Some things I can just admit I'm too old for, but this, I just have good taste. I'm not mad he's Puerto Rican. I mean, I like Puerto Ricans. I'm mad he makes awful music. I haven't heard something that tone deaf since Hillary Clinton called Trump supporters a basket of deplorables. Listen, if that basket could have floated to Epstein Island, I know a deplorable would have boarded it too. Don't worry. More on that later. And on the conservative side of things, we also need to make some better creative decisions. We can't just keep sending Kid Rock out there, man. We cannot. I assume if we see one more performance from him, we get a free tote bag. There are other options. Guys, here's a super group idea. They're all Trump supporters. Billy Gibbons on guitar, System of Downs. John Dolmayan on drums. Give Ted Nugent the mic. Rob Schneider on the triangle. And put some KISS makeup on Mike Huckabee. You think people would still watch Bad Bunny with that alternative nearby? No chance. Let's shake things up. How about Nicki Minaj? I see you, girl. She's always been supportive of my own rap endeavors. And now she's jumped into the world of politics. Invite her into the supergroup. She can perform Anaconda. About Trump, he referred to my hands. If they're small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there's no problem. I guarantee that was the thing that happened in all of our lives. You remember this? That actually happened in our lives. And that man has been president twice. That was a thing that the other guy there is the Secretary of State. Now, America, I know, it's unbelievable. The point is, Bad Bunny's performance was, eh, all smoke and mirrors and musically lacking in every possible way. That's why none of you remembered even one of the songs the next day. And before you even try, that's a Lady Gaga song you're thinking about. Also, next time, may I suggest picking riper fruit from that field? Ooh. Oh my God. Oh well. And yes, I will talk about the Epstein file. Well, folks, it's Valentine's Day and so I could do an amazing transition to a mattress ad right here. You know, the kind of transition that you me to do here on Ben After Dark. But I'm not going to do that. Instead I'm just going to tell you you need a mattress to sleep on because let's be real, that's what you're doing most of the time on your mattress. 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During the hiatus I've been steadily criticized by mouth breathers and Internet gotcha dorks excited to tell me I'm now own for saying there was no Epstein list. So here I am, ready to finally admit it and tell them exactly what they want to hear. I'm still right. There isn't a big list in the Epstein files of people. There are names in the Epstein files. Clearly Epstein files exist. We've all known this. My argument was never that Jeffrey Epstein was a good dude. The MAD had an island of horror. Marlon Brando would have seen it and said this is too much. And it is here, on this very island that I, sir, have found the very essence of the devil. I can't believe that's a thing that also happened. I've always understood Epstein island to be somewhere you would never find me. Like Waffle House at 3am I've loudly called for the files to be released for well over a year. I've been critical of the way the entire situation has been handled since literally the first day I saw better preparation at Fyre Fest. My argument has always been and always will be. There is no actual list, like on a piece of paper or a black book of clients. He's not Heidi Fleiss. There are now billions of pages of emails and investigative reports and even a photo of Winnie the Pooh. I heard he turned piglet into jerky. So I think every single sexual predator and child rapist that involved themselves in the business and personal life of Jeffrey Epstein should be prosecuted. Absolutely. Maybe even twice. And executed if possible. But do I think the answers will ever be so clear cut and decipherable that the world's most adamant conspiracy theorists will be satisfied? No. And because there's no list, that's the reason I've said there's not a list. I know people want a Rian Johnson knives out ending, when in reality it's going to be years of deciphering the messy life of a despicable human being. But enough about Steve Bannon. They'll also have to completely dissect Jeffrey Epstein and his entire gaggle of criminals. And yes, I mean, everyone is in the gaggle. We see you, Winnie the Pooh. And this week also marked the start of the 2026 Winter Olympics in Milan Cortina, which sounds less and less like a location and more like every model Leonardo DiCaprio has ever dated. Although it's too old for him. I think Norway and Italy have led the way so far, racking up victories in sports like ice hockey, figure skating, luge, and apparently, penis injections. That is correct. This is a real story this year. Rumors of ski jumpers getting penis enlarging injections of hyaluronic acid have run rampant throughout the Games, creating what fans have lovingly deemed penis gate. Now, that might sound disgusting at first, but keep in mind it still has a long way to go before it gets to pink eye levels of gross. Oh, my God. Yeah, not. Not great, Bob. Also, inflate gate was right there. Now, other than just creating an impressive unit, you might be asking yourself, how could medically increased junk help a competitive skier? And the obvious answer is probably overall confidence. Look at those hands. Are they small hands? But the more detailed response involves creating a slightly larger, looser and more aerodynamic suit. This, in theory, would create more lift and achieve a further distance in the air. Kind of like a flying squirrel or something. And also, since it's so cold there, does it even really help? This probably just brings you back to ground zero. It might bring the turtle out of his shell, if you know what I'm talking about. But the truth is, a 2 centimeter increase in suit size could potentially add 5 to 6 meters to a jump. Maybe even 8 to 9 meters, if you catch a quick glimpse at that Sydney Sweeney jeans commercial. Now, many countries have called the gossip baseless, but the World Doping Agency said it will investigate the claim less to punish anyone more for just personal research. Apparently, Also, not since Bill Clinton had relations with that woman has a press conference about cheating created so many headlines. After winning the bronze medal in the 20 kilometer biathlon, Norwegian Sturla Holmdelgrid revealed to local reporters that he cheated on his girlfriend. Some athletes announced they're going to Disneyland. This guy booked his tickets to the doghouse. Laker explained how the digression negatively affected his performance, which sure feels like a roundabout way to blame your girlfriend for underperforming. But in the end, he did express his desire to repair the relationship. That is, if she'd take back a shitty bronze medalist. He apologized not only to his ex, but also to the event's gold medalist, whose victory was outshone by the episode of Maury he had created. After the press conference, he slithered back into the locker room and requested a penis injection. And in just the first week of the Games, it's not just the relationships falling apart. It's also the trophies. At least six athletes from countries like the United States and Sweden have reported their medals as broken. But for now, we'll just stand by and watch the rest of the Games, pretending we understand what curling is. And if anything exciting happens, I can promise you this, we will let you know on Ben After Dark. Hey, guys.
