Transcript

Bert (0:00)

Hey, Ryan Reynolds here wishing you a very happy half off holiday because right now Mint Mobile is offering you the gift of 50% off unlimited. To be clear, that's half price, not half the service. Mint is still premium unlimited wireless for a great price. So that means a half day.

Ryan Reynolds (0:19)

Yeah.

Bert (0:20)

Give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment.

Chris (0:23)

Of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required new customer offer for first three months only. Speed slow after 35 gigabytes of network's.

Tracy (0:28)

Busy taxes and fees extra.

Chris (0:29)

See mintmobile.com okay, only 10 more presents to wrap. You're almost at the finish line. But first.

Caller (0:49)

There, the last one.

Tracy (0:53)

Enjoy a Coca Cola for a pause that refreshes.

Bert (1:02)

The Birch show. Hey, Chris.

Marty (1:04)

Hey.

Bert (1:05)

How are you, man?

Marty (1:07)

I'm okay. How are you?

Bert (1:08)

Good. How old is your daughter and how, and how long has she been sleeping in the bed with you guys?

Marty (1:13)

Oh, my daughter just turned 12.

Caller (1:17)

What?

Marty (1:17)

12 years old?

Bert (1:19)

Yeah, man.

Marty (1:21)

And this has been going on for. We're going on 10 years.

Chris (1:27)

You are kidding.

Bert (1:28)

Yeah, man. Every night we got this email, we all had the same exact reaction. 12 years old, every night for 10 years.

Chris (1:36)

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Friday, December 19 [Vault]

Date: December 19, 2025
Hosts/Cast: Bert, Chris, Marty, Tracy, Producer, Callers
Podcast: The Bert Show (Pionaire Podcasting)

Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives into authentic and lively discussions centered on real-life parenting dilemmas, embarrassing adolescent stories (especially related to puberty), and creative childhood punishments. The hosts and audience share openly, mixing humor and empathy while calling out the real challenges and awkward moments of growing up. The show maintains its trademark blend of relatability, warmth, and playful banter.

Main Topics and Key Discussion Points

1. Parenting Dilemma: 12-Year-Old Daughter Co-Sleeping

Segment Start: [01:02]
Summary:
Marty calls in with a long-running family challenge: his 12-year-old daughter has been sleeping in the bed with her parents for roughly 10 years. Marty is struggling with the impact on marital intimacy, her lack of independence, and increasing family tension as his wife disagrees about whether this is a problem.
- Initial Reactions
  - The entire cast expresses disbelief at the arrangement's duration and the daughter's age.
  - Marty feels unsupported by his wife, who thinks he’s being heartless.
- Key Quotes:
  - “12 years old, every night for 10 years.” — Bert [01:28]
  - “I just feel like the line needs to be drawn at some point. Our intimate life is really, really, really suffering.” — Marty [01:57]
  - “Once every five, six months.” — Marty (on marital intimacy) [07:44]
- Discussion:
  - The cast agrees this is unsustainable and abnormal, especially as the daughter reaches puberty.
  - Listeners and hosts debate tough-love approaches and the challenges of breaking established habits.
  - Advice centers on setting firmer boundaries, involving the spouse in unified parenting, considering the child’s psychological well-being, and, if necessary, seeking professional help.
- Notable Callers:
  - Kristen shares her method of dealing with her daughter sneaking into her room—even changing the locks and catching her doing army crawls. [08:03]
  - “Mom needs to let the baby grow up. That’s an awkward age for kids—especially girls, they’re going through puberty.” — Kristen [08:03]
  - The cast and callers stress the necessity for independence and warn of social consequences (“If I was 12 and told my friends that I was sleeping in the bed with my parents... my social status at school would be gone forever.” — Chris [11:00])
- Resolution:
  Marty commits to “putting his foot down,” but he and the cast acknowledge the emotional difficulty and necessary persistence to change the ingrained routine.

2. Embarrassing First Period and Puberty Stories

Segment Start: [12:48]
Summary:
The conversation shifts into a more lighthearted and honest exchange about embarrassing menstrual stories, initiated after a Cribs episode inspires a discussion about how men sometimes make women’s period moments public.
- Tracy's Story [13:11]:
  - Recounts her mortifying first period experience in 8th grade, including rumors, social exile, and how it became an “urban legend” at school.
  - “My story’s so embarrassing. This happened in 8th grade... I have a big red stain on the back of my pants. I didn’t know what was going on because this has never happened to me before.” — Tracy [13:11]
- Chris's Story [16:08]:
  - Details a high school public period mishap at McDonald’s.
- Notable Callers and Stories:
  - Lynn: Friends mock her with decorated pads after a white pants incident in 7th grade, leaving lasting trauma. [17:10]
  - Marty: Pad falls out on the street while with her boyfriend, has to pretend it’s not hers. [18:10]
  - Sarah: Tampon gets picked up by a friend’s dog during family dinner—awkward chaos ensues. [22:39]
  - Karen: Accidentally drops an OB tampon in a church collection plate. [23:23]
  - Amy: Puts a pad on upside down after being clueless about first period during a baseball game. [21:12]
  Each story receives empathetic, comedic support from the cast and underscores the universality of adolescent embarrassment.
- Book Recommendation:
  - “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.” by Judy Blume is suggested as a must-read for tweens going through puberty. [24:38]

3. Parental Punishments and Creative Discipline

Segment Start: [24:46]
Summary:
The hosts introduce the concept of “hot saucing” as a controversial form of child punishment (putting hot sauce on a child’s tongue for biting or lying), segueing into a string of personal and listener punishment stories.
- Key Discussion Points:
  - Hot Saucing: Blair (from Facts of Life) is mentioned as a notable proponent.
  - Creative Parental Consequences:
    - Cory: Required to kneel with hands in the air, holding phone books as punishment for bad behavior. [25:32]
      - “You must be built like Mike Tyson.” — Bert [25:58]
    - Bert: Forced to dig a ditch as a teenager as punishment for running up the electric bill by sneaking into the Jacuzzi against parental orders. [26:30]
    - Ashley: Forced into silly and humiliating poses with her brother to stop fights (holding nose, ears, sticking out tongue, humming) and sometimes received hot sauce on the tongue. [27:05]
    - Kim: Door removed from room for repeated door slamming. [28:15]
    - Kelly: Mother put her 10-year-old sister in an improvised diaper (outside her pants!) as a deterrent for finger sucking. [29:03]
    - Maya: Father removed all car seats except the driver’s after she had multiple accidents as a teen driver—making her explanations to friends awkward. [30:33]
    - Guest: Dad threatens the penitentiary, using fear as discipline.
- Themes:
  - The fine line between inventive and humiliating punishment.
  - The generational and regional differences in discipline methods.
  - Many stories highlight that the lesson stuck—though often with a side of lasting embarrassment.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On co-sleeping:
“Our intimate life is really, really, really suffering.” — Marty [01:57]
“I just think it’s a fight that you don’t want to fight. ... It’s gonna take two or three days or four days or five days to break my kid of this, but I gotta go through five sleepless nights and then it’ll be over.” — Bert [05:30]
“If I was 12 and told my friends that I was sleeping in the bed with my parents... my social status at school would be gone forever.” — Chris [11:00]
On puberty stories:
“My story’s so embarrassing. ... It turned into this huge urban legend.” — Tracy [13:11]
“All of the rumors start circulating, and then the story turns into...one of the most popular boys in the class came back from lunch and sat in it...” — Tracy [15:21]
On creative punishments:
“My mom would literally take the door away from me for a period of time... put it in the garage for, you know, two weeks this time.” — Kim [28:15]
“My dad... took out all the seats in the car except my own.” — Maya [30:33]

Timestamps for Key Segments

[01:02] – Marty’s Parenting Dilemma: 12 y/o Co-sleeping
[08:03] – Callers weigh in: Boundaries for Kids and Puberty Concerns
[12:48] – Embarrassing First Period Stories Begin (Tracy, callers)
[16:08] – Chris shares her McDonald’s story
[17:10] – More listener puberty embarrassments
[21:12] – Amy: First period confusion on the baseball field
[22:39] – Sarah: Tampon + house dog incident
[23:23] – Karen: Tampon in church plate
[24:46] – Parenting by Punishment: Hot Saucing and Beyond
[25:32] – Cory: Phone book discipline
[26:30] – Bert’s Ditch Digging Punishment
[27:05] – Ashley: Humiliating sibling punishments
[28:15] – Kim: Door removed discipline
[29:03] – Kelly: Sister in diaper for finger sucking
[30:33] – Maya: Teenage car seat removal punishment

Tone and Style

Authentic and Candid – Real talk with no filter, especially on sensitive adolescent topics.
Light, Funny, Empathetic – Humor is used as a coping mechanism, but serious advice and encouragement are provided when appropriate.
Inclusive – The hosts encourage and validate audience participation, creating a sense of community.

Conclusion

This episode of The Bert Show offers a uniquely open window into the challenges of parenting, the messy process of growing up, and enduring the most cringe-worthy moments with laughter and support. The blend of audience calls and host confessions fosters a warm, safe space to share (and poke fun at) real-life tribulations. Whether you’re a parent, former teenager, or someone in need of a laugh and some solidarity, this episode delivers wisdom, relatability, and comic relief in equal measure.