Full Show PT 1: Friday, December 19 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Friday, December 19 [Vault]

Date: December 19, 2025
Hosts/Cast: Bert, Chris, Marty, Tracy, Producer, Callers
Podcast: The Bert Show (Pionaire Podcasting)

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Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives into authentic and lively discussions centered on real-life parenting dilemmas, embarrassing adolescent stories (especially related to puberty), and creative childhood punishments. The hosts and audience share openly, mixing humor and empathy while calling out the real challenges and awkward moments of growing up. The show maintains its trademark blend of relatability, warmth, and playful banter.

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Main Topics and Key Discussion Points

1. Parenting Dilemma: 12-Year-Old Daughter Co-Sleeping

• Segment Start: [01:02]

• Summary:
  Marty calls in with a long-running family challenge: his 12-year-old daughter has been sleeping in the bed with her parents for roughly 10 years. Marty is struggling with the impact on marital intimacy, her lack of independence, and increasing family tension as his wife disagrees about whether this is a problem.

  • Initial Reactions

    • The entire cast expresses disbelief at the arrangement's duration and the daughter's age.
    • Marty feels unsupported by his wife, who thinks he’s being heartless.

  • Key Quotes:

    • “12 years old, every night for 10 years.” — Bert [01:28]
    • “I just feel like the line needs to be drawn at some point. Our intimate life is really, really, really suffering.” — Marty [01:57]
    • “Once every five, six months.” — Marty (on marital intimacy) [07:44]

  • Discussion:

    • The cast agrees this is unsustainable and abnormal, especially as the daughter reaches puberty.
    • Listeners and hosts debate tough-love approaches and the challenges of breaking established habits.
    • Advice centers on setting firmer boundaries, involving the spouse in unified parenting, considering the child’s psychological well-being, and, if necessary, seeking professional help.

  • Notable Callers:

    • Kristen shares her method of dealing with her daughter sneaking into her room—even changing the locks and catching her doing army crawls. [08:03]
    • “Mom needs to let the baby grow up. That’s an awkward age for kids—especially girls, they’re going through puberty.” — Kristen [08:03]
    • The cast and callers stress the necessity for independence and warn of social consequences (“If I was 12 and told my friends that I was sleeping in the bed with my parents... my social status at school would be gone forever.” — Chris [11:00])

  • Resolution:
    Marty commits to “putting his foot down,” but he and the cast acknowledge the emotional difficulty and necessary persistence to change the ingrained routine.

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2. Embarrassing First Period and Puberty Stories

• Segment Start: [12:48]

• Summary:
  The conversation shifts into a more lighthearted and honest exchange about embarrassing menstrual stories, initiated after a Cribs episode inspires a discussion about how men sometimes make women’s period moments public.

  • Tracy's Story [13:11]:

    • Recounts her mortifying first period experience in 8th grade, including rumors, social exile, and how it became an “urban legend” at school.
    • “My story’s so embarrassing. This happened in 8th grade... I have a big red stain on the back of my pants. I didn’t know what was going on because this has never happened to me before.” — Tracy [13:11]

  • Chris's Story [16:08]:

    • Details a high school public period mishap at McDonald’s.

  • Notable Callers and Stories:

    • Lynn: Friends mock her with decorated pads after a white pants incident in 7th grade, leaving lasting trauma. [17:10]
    • Marty: Pad falls out on the street while with her boyfriend, has to pretend it’s not hers. [18:10]
    • Sarah: Tampon gets picked up by a friend’s dog during family dinner—awkward chaos ensues. [22:39]
    • Karen: Accidentally drops an OB tampon in a church collection plate. [23:23]
    • Amy: Puts a pad on upside down after being clueless about first period during a baseball game. [21:12]

    Each story receives empathetic, comedic support from the cast and underscores the universality of adolescent embarrassment.

  • Book Recommendation:

    • “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.” by Judy Blume is suggested as a must-read for tweens going through puberty. [24:38]

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3. Parental Punishments and Creative Discipline

• Segment Start: [24:46]

• Summary:
  The hosts introduce the concept of “hot saucing” as a controversial form of child punishment (putting hot sauce on a child’s tongue for biting or lying), segueing into a string of personal and listener punishment stories.

  • Key Discussion Points:

    • Hot Saucing: Blair (from Facts of Life) is mentioned as a notable proponent.
    • Creative Parental Consequences:
      • Cory: Required to kneel with hands in the air, holding phone books as punishment for bad behavior. [25:32]
        • “You must be built like Mike Tyson.” — Bert [25:58]
      • Bert: Forced to dig a ditch as a teenager as punishment for running up the electric bill by sneaking into the Jacuzzi against parental orders. [26:30]
      • Ashley: Forced into silly and humiliating poses with her brother to stop fights (holding nose, ears, sticking out tongue, humming) and sometimes received hot sauce on the tongue. [27:05]
      • Kim: Door removed from room for repeated door slamming. [28:15]
      • Kelly: Mother put her 10-year-old sister in an improvised diaper (outside her pants!) as a deterrent for finger sucking. [29:03]
      • Maya: Father removed all car seats except the driver’s after she had multiple accidents as a teen driver—making her explanations to friends awkward. [30:33]
      • Guest: Dad threatens the penitentiary, using fear as discipline.

  • Themes:

    • The fine line between inventive and humiliating punishment.
    • The generational and regional differences in discipline methods.
    • Many stories highlight that the lesson stuck—though often with a side of lasting embarrassment.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On co-sleeping:
  “Our intimate life is really, really, really suffering.” — Marty [01:57]
  “I just think it’s a fight that you don’t want to fight. ... It’s gonna take two or three days or four days or five days to break my kid of this, but I gotta go through five sleepless nights and then it’ll be over.” — Bert [05:30]
  “If I was 12 and told my friends that I was sleeping in the bed with my parents... my social status at school would be gone forever.” — Chris [11:00]

• On puberty stories:
  “My story’s so embarrassing. ... It turned into this huge urban legend.” — Tracy [13:11]
  “All of the rumors start circulating, and then the story turns into...one of the most popular boys in the class came back from lunch and sat in it...” — Tracy [15:21]

• On creative punishments:
  “My mom would literally take the door away from me for a period of time... put it in the garage for, you know, two weeks this time.” — Kim [28:15]
  “My dad... took out all the seats in the car except my own.” — Maya [30:33]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:02] – Marty’s Parenting Dilemma: 12 y/o Co-sleeping
• [08:03] – Callers weigh in: Boundaries for Kids and Puberty Concerns
• [12:48] – Embarrassing First Period Stories Begin (Tracy, callers)
• [16:08] – Chris shares her McDonald’s story
• [17:10] – More listener puberty embarrassments
• [21:12] – Amy: First period confusion on the baseball field
• [22:39] – Sarah: Tampon + house dog incident
• [23:23] – Karen: Tampon in church plate
• [24:46] – Parenting by Punishment: Hot Saucing and Beyond
• [25:32] – Cory: Phone book discipline
• [26:30] – Bert’s Ditch Digging Punishment
• [27:05] – Ashley: Humiliating sibling punishments
• [28:15] – Kim: Door removed discipline
• [29:03] – Kelly: Sister in diaper for finger sucking
• [30:33] – Maya: Teenage car seat removal punishment

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Tone and Style

• Authentic and Candid – Real talk with no filter, especially on sensitive adolescent topics.
• Light, Funny, Empathetic – Humor is used as a coping mechanism, but serious advice and encouragement are provided when appropriate.
• Inclusive – The hosts encourage and validate audience participation, creating a sense of community.

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Conclusion

This episode of The Bert Show offers a uniquely open window into the challenges of parenting, the messy process of growing up, and enduring the most cringe-worthy moments with laughter and support. The blend of audience calls and host confessions fosters a warm, safe space to share (and poke fun at) real-life tribulations. Whether you’re a parent, former teenager, or someone in need of a laugh and some solidarity, this episode delivers wisdom, relatability, and comic relief in equal measure.

Transcript

[Bert]

Hey, Ryan Reynolds here wishing you a very happy half off holiday because right now Mint Mobile is offering you the gift of 50% off unlimited. To be clear, that's half price, not half the service. Mint is still premium unlimited wireless for a great price. So that means a half day.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Give it a [e-mail] Switch upfront payment.

[Chris]

Of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required new customer offer for first three months only. Speed slow after 35 gigabytes of network's.

[Tracy]

Busy taxes and fees extra.

[Chris]

See mintmobile.com okay, only 10 more presents to wrap. You're almost at the finish line. But first.

[Caller]

There, the last one.

[Tracy]

Enjoy a Coca Cola for a pause that refreshes.

[Bert]

The Birch show. Hey, Chris.

[Marty]

Hey.

[Bert]

How are you, man?

[Marty]

I'm okay. How are you?

[Bert]

Good. How old is your daughter and how, and how long has she been sleeping in the bed with you guys?

[Marty]

Oh, my daughter just turned 12.

[Caller]

What?

[Marty]

12 years old?

[Bert]

Yeah, man.

[Marty]

And this has been going on for. We're going on 10 years.

[Chris]

You are kidding.

[Bert]

Yeah, man. Every night we got this email, we all had the same exact reaction. 12 years old, every night for 10 years.

[Chris]

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

[Marty]

You think that's a bit much?

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Oh my God. Yeah.

[Bert]

This is the fight that you're having with your wife? I'm sorry, this is the fight that you're having with your wife?

[Marty]

Yeah. Well, it's not exactly gotten into the fight stage yet, but it's certainly approaching that.

[Producer]

So what does your wife say about it? She thinks it's okay.

[Marty]

Well, my wife thinks that, yeah, basically she thinks that I'm heartless and that I just don't. Well, you know, I feel like I'm a pretty good dad. I just feel like the line needs to be drawn at some point. I, you know, our intimate life is really, really, really suffering.

[Bert]

I think that's like the second thing you got to worry about.

[Chris]

I mean, I think as a good father, I mean, I think it's okay for a father not to want to sleep in a bed with a 12 year old daughter. I mean, you know, I mean.

[Bert]

Now let me ask you this. If it was a son, would you be okay with it?

[Chris]

No.

[Bert]

No. Okay.

[Chris]

Absolutely not.

[Guest]

I think, I think the fact she's a 12 year old.

[Bert]

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Also seems pretty, pretty obvious.

[Chris]

Is it a king sized bed? I mean, is there room for everybody? I mean, this is just weird.

[Bert]

It's like the bed in Willy Wonka.

[Marty]

Wait.

[Guest]

Unfortunately, it's like the bed in Neverland Ranch.

[Bert]

Remember, they were all sleeping in the same bed, the grandparents.

[Caller]

Head to feet.

[Guest]

Head to feet.

[Caller]

Defeat.

[Chris]

Sorry, Chris.

[Marty]

That's okay.

[Guest]

Well, it's a funny situation you got.

[Chris]

Well, what started it, like 10 years ago? Like, it was just. She was crying through the night.

[Marty]

Yeah. She just, for whatever reason, feels that. I don't know. You know what? I think the wife coddled her just a little bit too much. I really do. She was having trouble sleeping for whatever reason. There was the boogeyman in the closet at first, and then, you know, the boogeyman just wouldn't leave.

[Bert]

Yeah, I know. With our. With Hayden, he's two now, that there are certainly times where he wakes up in the middle of the night and really bawls a lot. But we'll get out of our bed, go over there and just rock them for about five minutes and put them back to sleep. But in a lot of cases, once the kid is up and is bawling, it will not go back to sleep unless it's next to mom or dad. And I think that's where a lot of these parents get into the habit of bringing the kid in just to get one good night of sleep. And then one night turns into two nights. And in a case like this, we're talking about 10 years now. Right. When is the last time she actually slept on her own? Has there ever been a time?

[Marty]

Jeez, I can't. I can't even remember. I can't even remember the last time she slept on her own.

[Producer]

Now is it every night now? It's just a routine that when you go to bed, she's already in the bed sleeping. Does she even start in her room?

[Marty]

No. This has become the routine. We put our daughter to sleep. Or she goes to sleep on her own now, or tries to anyway. She goes into her own bed. And that'll work for say, about a half hour, 45 minutes. And inevitably, at around midnight every night, I get that knock on the door and in she comes when you try.

[Bert]

To put her back to sleep in her own room. And then she starts bawling, I'm guessing. And crying and.

[Marty]

Yeah, crying and bawling. I don't even try anymore. I've given up. Basically.

[Bert]

She's crying and going through all this. You know, at 12 years old. I mean, that's. That's kind of like the reaction of a four or five year old.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Producer]

By any chance, is she homeschooled?

[Ryan Reynolds]

What?

[Marty]

No, no, no. She goes to middle school.

[Producer]

That's bizarre.

[Chris]

And here she is, a little girl who, I mean, she's supposed to be at the age where she's all cool about her room and doing decorations, and now she's in middle school and, you.

[Marty]

Know, she's got a beautiful room.

[Bert]

Well, the reaction just doesn't fit the age.

[Chris]

Oh, absolutely not.

[Bert]

Here's where I can understand it. Like, I just think that it's a fight that you don't want to fight. So as a parent, you're like. I mean, because kids are stubborn, man. They will cry for four hours. And for you to try to sleep through that is impossible. But I've seen a lot of parents, you know, say I've just gotta. It's gonna take two or three days or four days or five days to break my kid of this, but I gotta go through five sleepless nights and then it'll be over. And a lot of parents just won't do that.

[Chris]

And because we've said, we've talked when we talked about other things, you know, kids will push their limits as far as they can go. And that child is, has never been given the boundary of the fact you cannot come in our room. And so the kid, of course, knows that those tantrums result in being able to sleep in the bed with mom and dad.

[Bert]

Jennifer, good morning. You're on all the hits Q100.

[Caller]

I have two children. One is almost six and one is two going to be two in January. My five year old has been sleeping in the bed since she was two in her own bed. And my one year old sleep. He sleeps in his own bed now.

[Bert]

Yeah, we were so sensitive to this when Hayden was born that he didn't even sleep in one of those little bassinets in our room. We wanted him in his own room. And he was obviously his room was close enough to ours to where he started crying. We would get up and we'd be right there for him. But we just decided for ourselves that we weren't gonna be parents that were ever gonna have him sleep in the bed or even in our room. That was our place. Right.

[Producer]

I think that's smart.

[Bert]

That was just right for us.

[Producer]

Well. Cause you have to, you know, you have to maintain your marriage in order to have a, you know, great place for your son to grow up and maintain your marriage. You gotta have some alone time in the bedroom.

[Bert]

Yeah. Chris, when, when are you getting that alone time? Does that. I mean, has it been 10 years?

[Marty]

It's. No, it hasn't. Well, it hasn't been 10 years, but let's Just say that it's incredibly infrequent.

[Bert]

Okay. When you say incredibly infrequent, can you give us an approximate?

[Marty]

Oh, once a month. Jeez. More infrequent than that?

[Bert]

Once every three months?

[Marty]

I would say more like maybe five.

[Chris]

Wow.

[Bert]

Yeah. Kid out of the bed.

[Caller]

Get out of the bed.

[Bert]

Right? Get out of the bed.

[Chris]

Yeah, I mean, I, I'm trying.

[Bert]

Once every five, six months.

[Chris]

We understand the mentality of the parent. I mean, it is painful to see your child in pain or scared. And so, I mean, a child sleeping in the bed with the parents is not a problem. That's not the issue. The issue is the fact that a 12 year old sleeping in the bed with the parents consistently is a huge problem.

[Bert]

Go ahead, Kristen, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller]

Hey, mom needs to let the baby grow up. I mean, that's an awkward age for kids. They're going, especially girls, they're going through puberty. Going to start her cycle soon. If she already hasn't, maybe something is. I don't want to say something's wrong with your child, but you guys really need to look into that because that's a bit old. And for her not to want to be independent and start to rebel and establish her own identity is kind of crazy. My daughter's 5 and she's slept with me since she was born. I got her out of the room finally and she would pick my lock and like the other lady, come and sleep at the foot of my bed because I would lock my door. I had to change the locks so she could, it couldn't be tampered with. She would get a butter knife and come in at night like shimmy. I would see her in my armoire doing the belly crawl onto the floor.

[Guest]

Of my room like a SWAT guy or somebody in the army, like down at elbows.

[Chris]

She paints her face before she gets in.

[Bert]

She's got the helmet with the bush on top of it.

[Caller]

Yes. She would belly crawl into my room at night. So you guys really need to just let her grow up and just tell mom that she needs to get her out the room. That's a really awkward age for young girls. They start having all crazy kind of feelings and just get her out the bed regardless of how she reacts to it.

[Producer]

So I think we can all agree that Chris needs to put his foot down with his wife and with his daughter. But how should he do that? What advice would you give him to put his foot down?

[Caller]

Just really sit down with her and explain to him to her, the age is the major thing. I mean, three and four, no problem, but she's starting a cycle. She's getting breasts, and that's really awkward for not only him, but for her.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Caller]

And if she really needs to develop her own identity at this age, I mean, she's gonna have sleepovers, like they said, and she's gonna look like a big weirdo, not being able to do anything that other kids are doing. Her age, because she wants to sleep with mom or dad. And maybe. I mean, if it's hard, take her to see somebody. It might be some underlying issues as to why she cannot sleep in her own room at 12.

[Bert]

I know where you're coming from. I've talked to parents, though, that have had that problem with their kid, and they say those three or four nights are where the kid is crying all through the night. Like, you, as a parent, you just assume your kid's gonna stop crying in 20 minutes, and then 20 minutes goes by and it's 30, and then 30 is an hour. And you almost feel like you're being abusive by not going in there. So to try to make that fight for five days, I could understand how you're just a mess about it, man.

[Producer]

Well, and it may be longer than five days because this is a pattern of behavior that's been going on for 10 years. I mean, you're gonna have to put your foot down night after night after night until you break her of this pattern of behavior. But, I mean, normal. She'll be okay. You know, you're going to have to break her of it.

[Chris]

But she's going to live.

[Producer]

She's going to live.

[Chris]

She's going to be fine.

[Producer]

You know, she's going to be, you know, tired at school for those couple of days, and hopefully she'll tire herself out so much that at one point, she'll just fall asleep by herself in her room.

[Chris]

But she's better off. I'm telling. Oh, my God. If I was 12 and told my friends that I was sleeping in the bed with my parents, oh, no, I would be awesome. My social status at school would be gone forever.

[Bert]

All right, Chris, I hope you got something out of this, man. We got to end this and move on to some other stuff. But I hope this helped a little bit.

[Marty]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna try to put my foot down.

[Chris]

I think it's gonna be hard. You got to.

[Bert]

Dude, Your daughter is 12 years old this time, man. You gotta fight this fight right now.

[Producer]

You need to get some action back in the bedroom.

[Bert]

Serious. Once every five months. That's a whole nother issue right there, bro.

[Marty]

Oh, God.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Marty]

All right.

[Bert]

All right, man. Thanks for coming. Thank you, guys. See you later.

[Marty]

Bye. Bye.

[Bert]

The Burt show realized a long time ago that without your help, the show is pretty lame. Throw him a bone and call him anytime. 404-741-10-5 the Bert show on all the hits. Q100 the Burt Show.

[Chris]

You know, last night I was watching television. You know, every. Every story I've told this morning starts off with me watching television. But last night I was flipping channels trying to find something else to watch besides the Olympics because it's not on anymore. And I fell upon one of the Cribs episodes. They were having a Cribs mar. And I don't know what band it was. I don't know what band member it was. I don't even know if it was a band. Maybe he was a guy from another show. But he was going through his home, and then he introduced his girlfriend who was there with him. And then they went through different parts of the house, and then they got to the bedroom, and he made a comment during his description of his bedroom that, oh, yeah, and here's my bed. Oh, and my girlfriend had an accident on it a couple days ago. And I thought, you know what? If you are going to call me out for my menstrual cycle on national television, then I'm breaking up with you. Like, I would have broken up with him right there. Because that's. That's just not funny.

[Tracy]

That's wrong.

[Chris]

But I think the thing is, though, I mean, if you're a woman, you can relate, because everybody has had some kind of embarrassing story when it comes to your menstrual cycle.

[Producer]

Absolutely. And I think producer Tracy has the one that definitely tops it.

[Chris]

That's right. Because this is one good thing about the boys being out, because they're not gonna, like, ew. And, uh. And I can't believe you're thinking about this. And blah. So at least we can have girl talk.

[Bert]

Thanks, guys.

[Chris]

Real talk.

[Producer]

Real talk.

[Chris]

Phil.

[Tracy]

My story's so embarrassing. This happened in 8th grade, and I am 26 years old, and I'm still embarrassed to this day. And I cannot believe I'm gonna tell all of Atlanta this. And the sad thing is, as I went to eighth grade here, so half. You know, some of the people listening are probably like, oh, my God. I remember that because it turned into this huge urban legend. Here's my story. In eighth grade, I was one of. I Guess I was one of those late bloomers. So I didn't get it until eighth grade. And the drill was in eighth grade, you would. That was when you would still go to, like, every class and every. You know, until L. And all those things in a single file line. So the drill was, is that we would go to our fourth period class every single day, sit down in our seats. The teacher will say, okay, everybody, line up. Let's go to lunch. So we're sitting in our seats. She says, line up. Let's go to lunch. I stand up, and my friend behind me says, tracy, sit down. And I'm like, why? And she's like, sit down now. I'm like, what are you talking about? So, of course I sit down, and she whispers in my ear that I have a big red stain on the back of my pants. Which I didn't know what the hell was going on because this has never happened to me before.

[Producer]

Oh, this is the first.

[Tracy]

First time. Yeah. So I sat back down as the rest of my class stood up and was staring at me, wondering why I'm still sitting in my seat.

[Chris]

Oh, no.

[Tracy]

My friend Samantha gets up and goes to tell my algebra teacher what was going on and why I needed to stay behind. You guys are all looking at me with your hands over your mouth.

[Chris]

Yeah, because I'm just like, oh, just poor thing.

[Caller]

Oh.

[Tracy]

So I was horrified, and. And I didn't know what to do. I was near tears. The rest of the class is staring at me, wondering why I'm staying behind. The teacher looks at me like, oh, poor thing. Takes the rest of the class to lunch. Meanwhile, a couple of my friends stay behind. You know, I wrap a sweater around my waist, I go to the bathroom, and of course, I have nothing with me because I don't know what to do about it. So I'm stuck in the bathroom for the entire fifth period waiting for my mom to come and pick me up. Because, you know, of course, the school nurse had to call her and have her pick me up because I had all over my clothes. And so I left with my mom.

[Producer]

Did that hour in the bathroom stall feel like two days?

[Tracy]

I was horrified, but it gets worse. It gets so much worse. Then, of course, you know, kids talk or whatever. So everybody in the entire 8th grade knew about it, found out about it, and then the big, huge urban legend, you know, all of these rumors start circulating, and then before you know it, the story turns into. Oh, God, I'm not gonna say his name because he probably still lives in Atlanta. But One of the most popular boys in the eighth grade class came back from lunch and sat in it and got it on his pants. None of this was true. At least I don't think it is. But of course, it turns into all these rumors. I stayed home from school for three days, crying.

[Chris]

Poor thing.

[Tracy]

And her first time.

[Chris]

This is supposed to be, you know, your. Your introduction into womanhood. You're supposed to be proud and. Poor thing. I'm so sorry.

[Tracy]

I'm still embarrassed.

[Chris]

But you know what? These embarrassing stories. I mean, in high school, like, thank God all women go through this, because at least when you, like, you had a great story with your friends in eighth grade, staying behind, telling the teacher, trying to kind of be your wing women, right? And I had the same thing happen to me, but I was in high school, so, I mean, I had plenty of experience with this, but it still catches up with you. And I think it was before or after one of our high school football games. And we were at McDonald's, okay? And McDonald's has those yellow benches, and so we're having dinner at McDonald'. McDonald's. And I didn't realize, you know, what was going on. Then when we stood up, we saw that there was, you know, damage done to the bench. So my friend's like, okay, sit back down. So she said, okay, I'm going out to the car. I'm gonna put a towel down. And then she was gonna walk behind me out. So, you know. But the thing I felt so bad was we. We took care of the car, and she led me out, but I left that for Whoever worked at McDonald's to clean up. So. To the McDonald's employees at Columbia, Tennessee, I am so, so sorry.

[Bert]

Hey, Lynn.

[Caller]

Hey, how are you?

[Bert]

Hey. Great.

[Producer]

Phil's squirming in here, but we're enjoying it.

[Chris]

Suck it up.

[Caller]

Oh, my God. I have a story for you. I was in seventh grade. I wore white pants. And needless to say, you know exactly what happened. And to make it worse, I had. I had a friend. Well, maybe I should say an acquaintance. They all took pads and with red marker, you know, like, scribbled all on it, and all of them put it on their forehead. Oh, that's nice. Mimicking me. I mean, talk about degrading. I had just moved to this country, so I was like, oh, my God.

[Producer]

It was terrible, Horrible, horrible.

[Chris]

Oh, yeah.

[Caller]

Not good. And it scarred me for life because I will not wear white pants to this day.

[Producer]

You poor thing.

[Chris]

Oh, I wouldn't. Yeah, I understand. I wouldn't either it totally scars you.

[Tracy]

Because to this day, every single month, I am paranoid for four days straight.

[Chris]

Yeah. That is just to make sure it doesn't ever happen again.

[Bert]

Hey, Marty.

[Marty]

Hi.

[Bert]

Hey, Marty.

[Guest]

Go ahead.

[Caller]

Okay. I guess I was around 14 years old, and my boyfriend and I. He was walking me home, and we were just talking and laughing and everything, and something went. My pad had fell off.

[Chris]

Oh, no.

[Caller]

And I'm standing around and felt it. And I looked down on the ground, and there it was. And that made him look like, oh.

[Chris]

Oh, my God.

[Caller]

I got to act like it wasn't mine. It was already there. You know, where did it land? I was like, ooh, Marty, where did it land?

[Producer]

Did it land on your foot or.

[Caller]

Just right on the ground? We were walking, and it was right side up, and you could just see everything. And I was like.

[Chris]

You poor thing. Oh, my God.

[Caller]

Anyway, it was awful. So we just started walking away. But you could tell on his face that he was like, that was her.

[Chris]

I'm gonna call out. That reminded me of a story. I'm gonna call out a friend of mine. Poor. I. Oh, she. She would kill me if she knew us telling the story. But I wasn't on the trip. But she and a bunch of our friends went skiing, water skiing near Nashville. And so they were in the boat, and it was at a time, you know, when you're just starting out and you decide you're gonna use tampons? You don't necessarily know how to use them or how far to put them in. And so she obviously didn't do it right. And so when she was skiing and when she hit the water when she fell, it shot out like a torpedo.

[Bert]

And she.

[Caller]

In the. And it was floating on top.

[Chris]

Oh, that's so funny.

[Guest]

Stacy.

[Bert]

Hey, Stacy. Go ahead.

[Caller]

Okay. I started my cycle for the very first time when I was 9.

[Bert]

Oh, my goodness.

[Producer]

Oh, man.

[Caller]

Yeah, it was not fun. And it was the year my mom and my dad got divorced. So my dad, he had full custody, and he would send my brother and I out to Texas to spend the summer with my grandparents. Well, I was in the bathroom, and this stuff just started happening. And I'm going, oh, my God. I'm gonna die. I'm hemorrhaging. What's going on? So I get my grandmother. She tells my grandfather, and she doesn't come in there to help me. She goes to the telephone, picks up her little address book, and calls everybody. Yes, everybody. And she says, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm Freaking out. And she's like, oh, blah, blah, blah. She started her period, yada, yada, yada. And I'm just like, can you come help me? What do I do? Do I plug it with toilet paper?

[Chris]

That's so, so sad.

[Producer]

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

[Chris]

Thanks for the call.

[Guest]

Hey, Amy.

[Chris]

I've been starting to thank people.

[Producer]

How.

[Chris]

These are.

[Marty]

Amy, go ahead. Yeah.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Marty]

Hi.

[Caller]

I have the funniest story ever.

[Chris]

Okay.

[Caller]

I was such a tomboy when I was a kid. My mom had never talked to me about my period and that kind of thing, but I was on my brother's. My brother and I were on a baseball team together. And I was the catcher, and my brother was the pitcher. And I was squatted down, ready, giving them, you know, the signal to pitch the ball. And he noticed I started my period before I did. So he calls me out to the mound. I go out there, he tells me that I'm bleeding. So I'm looking on my elbows, on my knees. I didn't know what he was talking about. And then he kind of just puts his mitt over his face and said, no, you're bleeding down there. I immediately freaked out, ran off the field into the bathroom, where my friend came in there and said, calm down. And she threw me over a pad. And my 12 years of growing up here, I finally had something going, puberty wise. She hands me the pad, and I put the thing on upside down, Not knowing how to. I just looked at this strange thing, not knowing how to put it on, and I just figured, sticky side went up. I had no idea.

[Chris]

I mean, but I'm sure that has happened to a lot of girls.

[Producer]

Oh, God. Oh.

[Tracy]

Sarah.

[Chris]

First bikini wax, right there.

[Bert]

Sarah, go ahead.

[Tracy]

Hi.

[Caller]

When I was in 10th grade, I spent the night at one of my best girlfriend's houses. And I went to the bathroom and changed. My tampon came out. And we were having, like, a family dinner with her mom and her dad, and she had one of those little, like, runty dogs. And in the middle of dinner, he's like. And we look over, he playing with something. He drugged my tampon out of the bathroom and was, like, flinging it around like a dead rat.

[Chris]

Oh, my God.

[Caller]

And so I'm like, well, do I pretend that it's not mine? I was just like. I jump out from the table. I'm like, I got it.

[Chris]

Oh, God.

[Caller]

Oh, that's horrible.

[Bert]

Karen.

[Producer]

Can't see a dog shaking his head.

[Bert]

Karen, you're gonna be the last call on this.

[Caller]

Go ahead okay, okay. I was 15 in high school, and my best friend and I went to two different churches. And one Sunday, she'd been begging me to go to her church to meet this guy that she had a crush on in church who happened to have a younger brother that would have been my age. So I went to church with her Sunday morning and wedged in between his family, the two brothers on each side of us, and they were cute and everything, and had my change purse with me, and the offering plate came around, and I just proceeded to dip my. Off my change purse into the offering plate. Forgot I had a ob tampon in my change purse. And ladies, you know, the obs are very small, no applicator. And that proceeded to drop into the offering place with two cute brothers on the side of us and the parents. And we both immediately looked at each other and froze, it seemed like forever. I finally just reached in and grabbed it and I never went back to church with her. I was just so scared.

[Chris]

That is hilarious.

[Producer]

Hilarious.

[Chris]

Thanks for the call. You know, now, one book, like there's several you know, of us who have said that we didn't know what was going on. We didn't know what to expect. And I don't know if you guys read Are youe There? Got it to me, Margaret.

[Marty]

Yes.

[Chris]

Judy Bloom. Are youe There? Got it to me, Margaret. Any parents out there, you've got to get that for your tween because it's a great book on the introduction to.

[Bert]

Your menstrual cycle, the Bird Show. So we're talking about hot saucing, which is not it burning when you pee.

[Chris]

Oh, my God.

[Bert]

Somebody thought. And it was not a whole assortment of other things that we probably shouldn't go over again. It's when you're looking to punish your kid, like if he bites another student at school or if he tells a lie. A lot of parents are now hot saucing, where they make the kid open up his mouth and they pour hot sauce on the tongue of the child. And it's like, it's legal. And there are a lot of parents. Like, it's working for me. In fact, who's the actress that's doing it?

[Guest]

Blair from Facts of Life.

[Bert]

She's all for it, man.

[Guest]

Big fan of the hot sauce.

[Bert]

So we're asking you guys, how did your parents get all creative when they punished you? And Cory's calling in. Hey, Corey, you're on the Burt Show.

[Caller]

Hi.

[Bert]

Hi.

[Caller]

My mom was pretty creative when it came to punishment. Whenever I did something wrong or Disobeyed her. She would make me kneel and my hands straight above my head. And I had to stay there for a long time. And anytime that I would lower my hand, she'd add like a phone book. And I had to hold it straight up in the air. And then if my hands, if my arms got lowered because they were tired, she'd add another phone book.

[Bert]

You must be built like Mike Tyson, right?

[Caller]

Well, kinda.

[Guest]

She got shoulders.

[Bert]

What was the idea behind that? Just that it was gonna hurt your back and shoulder so much that I have no idea.

[Guest]

I don't know.

[Caller]

I don't know what the purpose of it was, but I rarely got in trouble after that.

[Bert]

Well, that's the great thing about PM parent. You don't need to make excuses. You don't need to tell why. You just go and you hold the damn books over your head.

[Chris]

Well, the punishment is so that you don't want to have to do that again so you don't commit the crime anymore.

[Guest]

Didn't your dad once make you dig a trench?

[Bert]

Yeah, a ditch from our house down to our creek, which was like 100 yards or something like that because I left the heater on in the Jacuzzi for a month. And when the phone bill came at the end of the month, it was like $350.

[Guest]

Electric bill.

[Bert]

The electric bill, yeah. And when he left on vacation, he said, look, the only thing I don't want you to do is go into the Jacuzzi. Just don't use the Jacuzzi. Everything else, do whatever you want. So, of course, as soon as I hear the door slam to his car and he leaves for vacation, what's the first thing I go to? Right. To the Jacuzzi.

[Producer]

Right.

[Bert]

Cost them $350. And I had to build some trench. Good morning, Ashley.

[Caller]

Hey.

[Bert]

Hi.

[Marty]

Hey.

[Caller]

Well, my mom, well, she tried everything to get me and my brother to stop fighting. We would beat the crap out of each other. And they finally decided that the best way to get us to stop was to humiliate us. So they would make us stand in front, hold our ears out, hold our nose, stick our tongue out and hum until we started laughing. And, you know, eventually we'd start laughing and couldn't fight anymore. And if we didn't do that, she put hot sauce on her tongue.

[Producer]

She did hot sauce you?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Bert]

Okay. And if that didn't work, she hot sauce us.

[Caller]

But most of the time we started laughing and couldn't be mad anymore. So, you know, we'd much rather do that than Eat hot sauce.

[Bert]

Is this hot sauce and thing a Southern thing?

[Caller]

I think it is.

[Chris]

Because I never heard of this up in New York.

[Guest]

They would just shoot you. They shoot you in the arm or some other. You know, if you're left handed, they'd shoot you in the right hand.

[Bert]

Hey, Kelly.

[Tracy]

Hey.

[Bert]

Don't go anywhere. You're gonna be my last call, all right?

[Caller]

Okay.

[Bert]

Don't go anywhere. I love that. Hold on a second, all right?

[Guest]

I love the way you were abused. Hold on.

[Bert]

Hey, Kim, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller]

Hey. When I would get in trouble, I would go to my room and slam my door. My mother hated that so much, she would literally take the door away from me for, like, a period of time.

[Bert]

She would take the door off the hinges.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Producer]

That's funny.

[Caller]

So you had to take it away, put it in the garage for, you know, two weeks this time.

[Bert]

And how old were you when she was doing this?

[Caller]

It started when I was nine. It went up to the day that I moved out.

[Bert]

Because as a high school, if you're in high school, there's nothing more sacred than that private alone time that you get in your own cave. And for them to take the door off of your own cave.

[Chris]

Wow, that's great.

[Caller]

I live by myself now in a studio apartment.

[Bert]

Thank you for calling. Oh, I'm getting great ideas. Hey, Kelly, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller]

Hey, guys.

[Bert]

Go ahead.

[Caller]

My mom specifically made a horrible discipline for my sister. She was 10 years old and still sucking her fingers, and so they made her wear a diaper.

[Bert]

Oh, at 10 years old?

[Producer]

That's mean.

[Bert]

So nobody could see it or anything, right?

[Caller]

Well, no, she wore it on the outside of her pants. Okay. You couldn't find one to fit her, so what she'd do is she'd take a towel and pin it up like a diaper. Like a white one.

[Marty]

Oh, this is.

[Bert]

This is way sadder than I thought it was gonna be.

[Caller]

It was really. My mom didn't take her out or anything. Like, she would put her in the car and act like we were gonna go to dinner with her. And whenever we'd finally get to the restaurant, she'd be like, okay, you can take it off.

[Bert]

Oh, that is hardcore.

[Guest]

I remember what my parents did to me once. We were driving back from somewhere and I must have mouthed off or something.

[Bert]

No, you.

[Guest]

So my dad, I just remember him saying, okay, that's it. And then, like. And I'm like, what do you mean, that's it? And he wouldn't say anything else. And like, I'm in the back, you know, going, what? What do you can. What do you mean? What are you saying? What do you mean? That's it. What are you talking about? And he drove and drove and, you know, he's just driving and, you know, you're like, I don't know. Didn't know where we were going. But he drove right to the Jamesville Penitentiary and turned in the parking lot and stopped the car and said, okay, get out. I begged for my life. And I don't, I don't think I ever mouthed off in the car again.

[Bert]

Hey, Maya.

[Caller]

Hey. When I first started driving, I was 16 and I got into a few car accidents and my dad thought it was because I was always driving with my friends. So he took out all of the seats in the car except my own.

[Bert]

That is great.

[Caller]

It took a very long time to explain. Every single time.

[Bert]

A great idea. Great idea. The Burt Show.

[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Bert]

ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. The world of commercial real estate is changing and fast. Welcome to in the Loop. We're diving into the topics that hit the hardest. We'll explore what's happening today.

[Chris]

The benefits of biophilia in the workplace can be decreased stress and irritability.

[Bert]

Tomorrow, how can you bring Components of the 15 minute city of the urban grid, the things people like, the gathering places and beyond.

[Caller]

When you start thinking about the future and start thinking about these things are.

[Tracy]

Coming in 2030 or 2040 or 2050.

[Caller]

Then you can go, okay, now how do I actually take actions today to make that happen?

[Bert]

Subscribe to in the Loop Wherever you get your podcasts, ACAST helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com.