Full Show PT 1: Friday, March 6 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Friday, March 6 [Vault]

Airdate: March 6, 2026
Hosts: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & the Bert Show Cast

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Episode Overview

This episode dives into two central themes:

1. The Bert Show "Give Up Your Vice" Challenge: All the hosts challenge themselves to give up a personal vice for the week, ranging from sugar and sleeping pills to diet pills, cigarettes, and even technology.
2. Relationships with Inmates: A provocative listener call-in segment discussing why people on the outside fall for those who are incarcerated, including real-life stories and audience psychology analysis.
3. A Lighter Segment: An amusing attempt to decipher what a listener’s cockatiel “is saying,” leading to playful banter and audience calls.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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1. The Bert Show’s "Give Up Your Vice" Challenge

[00:45 – 13:00]

Overview

The team decides to collectively give up a personal vice for the entire week as a gesture of support for Bert, who is trying to quit his sleeping pills (Lunesta). Each host shares their own struggle and the vices they’re sacrificing.

Hosts' Vices

• Melissa: Sugar

  • Struggles with habitual sugar binges. Her partner Katie, a fitness enthusiast, sabotaged Melissa’s “last supper” by throwing away a coveted birthday cake slice.
  • "I did not get to have a last piece of cake because Katie sabotaged me." – Melissa [02:32]
  • Brings in remaining ice cream and sherbet to keep temptations out of the house.

• Wendy: Diet Pills

  • Regularly takes diet pills for energy; dreads the withdrawal and exhaustion.
  • "My energy level's already low. So I can't wait until Friday..." – Wendy [04:35]
  • Discusses the psychological dependence and the ritual of switching brands with brief stops, but always returns.

• Bert: Sleeping Pills (Lunesta)

  • Relies on Lunesta for sleep, fears insomnia withdrawal.
  • "If any one of us have a meltdown... if it’s 11 o'clock at night, you can't get to the pharmacy." – Team banter [07:44]
  • Admits to using his last pill, expresses anxiety about how his body and mind will handle it.

• Jen: Cigarettes

  • Recently started smoking again amid a divorce after being smoke-free for over three years.
  • "I was actually really excited... I needed something to sort of make me do it." – Jen [10:02]
  • Hands over her cigarettes for support.

• Jeff: Technology/BlackBerry

  • Considers going completely “cell-free” for the week (no BlackBerry, phone, or texting), referencing his attachment to technology as possibly as addictive as the others’ vices.
  • "Part of me is tempted to go completely cell free for a week." – Jeff [10:50]

Notable Moments

• The team jokes about trading vices and the “cold turkey” approach.
• The difficulty of Jeff going off-grid causes visible anxiety among the team.
• Humorous speculation about how Melissa might become “Martha Stewart” and start baking at home to get her sugar fix.
• Discussion about whether vices can be replaced with new, “lesser” vices, which quickly gets shot down:
  • "No, that's not the point of this, Wendy." - Bert [08:39]

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2. Falling in Love with Inmates: Psychology and Real Stories

[14:15 – 23:45]

Segment Introduction

The show opens the phone lines to explore why people outside fall for inmates, referencing notorious cases (Scott Peterson, Brian Nichols) where women developed relationships with convicted criminals.

Key Theories & Analysis

• Psychology of Control:

  • "You're in complete and total control... you're not accountable at all because he or she is in jail and they can't... so you're in total and complete control of the relationship." – Bert [16:02]

• Fixer Complex:

  • "She feels like she can fix him, is my thought. Or... maybe the attention thing." – Jen [15:30]

Caller Experiences

• Whitney’s Story [16:30]

  • Began as a “middle person” passing messages between her friend and the jailed man. Eventually developed her own relationship with him—without having met him in person until after his release.
  • "He got out at like 2 in the afternoon and he showed up at my house like three in the morning." – Whitney [17:59]
  • The relationship soured after learning he'd lied about significant details (age, previous relationships, children).

• Mark’s Perspective (a former prisoner) [18:51]

  • Shares that random women often contact inmates, sometimes referred by friends (“word of mouth”).
  • Argues it’s common, and that women may be drawn by the control and reliability (knowing where he is).
  • "When you're in prison, you pretty much say anything. You know, you'll say anything." – Mark [20:38]
  • Only knew of one prison relationship that lasted about 10 years before falling apart.

• Kelly’s Story [22:17]

  • Dated a man for a week, he went to jail, and she started corresponding “out of being nice.” Relationship became emotionally intense during his year-long sentence.

Memorable Quotes and Commentary

• "If women are having to write letters in jail to keep tabs on a guy, what is wrong with you?" – Melissa [23:42]
• "There are so few good men out there the women are starting to go to the penal system to find their men." – Bert [23:51]
• Running joke: Single men on the outside should consider jail just to get a date, given how common female pen pals are.

---

3. Is the Pet Bird Talking? Crowd-Sourced Cockatiel Experiment

[24:04 – 32:24]

Segment Description

A listener, Christine, calls in, convinced her daughter’s cockatiel is “saying” something, but no one can quite decipher it.

Key Moments

• Christine: “He gives kisses and he wolf whistles...” [26:18]
• The hosts and listeners attempt to analyze the audio clips, leading to playful skepticism:
  • "I don't think your bird is saying a damn thing." – Bert [29:28]

Listener Calls

• Megan (also a cockatiel owner) explains that cockatiels often sound raspy when learning to talk and usually only pick up one or two words.

  • "The bird is trying to talk. That's what they sound like when they're learning words." – Megan [31:43]

• Lively banter ensues about pet psychics and “projecting” words onto bird chatter.

---

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• Melissa (on Katie sabotaging her last dessert):
  "I did not get to have a last piece of cake because Katie sabotaged me." [02:32]

• Wendy (on diet pill withdrawals):
  "My energy level's already low. So I can't wait until Friday..." [04:35]

• Bert (on the difficulty of quitting Lunesta):
  "Maybe I don't even need it... Maybe it's all in my head." [09:50]

• Jen (on quitting cigarettes amid divorce):
  "I was actually really, really excited... I needed something to sort of make me do it." [10:02]

• Bert (on the psychology of falling for inmates):
  "You're in complete and total control of the relationship." [16:02]

• Whitney (first meeting boyfriend after his release):
  "He got out at like 2 in the afternoon and he showed up at my house like three in the morning." [17:59]

• Mark (ex-inmate on women writing to prisoners):
  "It's very common, very common." [19:13] "When you're in prison, you pretty much say anything. You know, you'll say anything." [20:38]

• Bert (tongue-in-cheek advice to single men):
  "What’s a guy gotta do to get sex in the city – you gotta go to jail." [23:14]

---

Memorable & Funny Moments

• Team Vice Surrender: Hosts physically hand over their vices to each other, joking about who gets stuck with the diet pills, sugar, and cigarettes.
• Bird Bit: The attempted “ghost hunter”-style bird talking experiment brings out goofy skepticism and the line, “Don’t get your feathers all in a bunch.” [30:25]
• Listeners' Engagement: The vices and the pet bird both generate a wide range of audience calls, from supportive to hilariously critical.

---

Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• The Bert Show Give Up Your Vice Challenge:
  [00:45 – 13:00]

• Listener Call-In: Relationships with Inmates:
  [14:15 – 23:45]

• Cockatiel Talking Experiment:
  [24:04 – 32:24]

---

Tone & Style

The episode is packed with the show's trademark blend of authenticity, humor, and curiosity about life’s oddities. Banter is playful and self-deprecating but allows for moments of real vulnerability, particularly when discussing personal vices and relationships.

---

Summary:
Even for listeners who missed the episode, The Bert Show's March 6, 2026, vault installment provides a rare, entertaining glimpse into serious self-experimentation, the quirks of human romance, and just possibly, a talking bird. The hosts’ openness and the all-in participation of listeners make for a fast-paced, engaging listen.

Transcript

[A]

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[E]

the

[B]

Birch show all right, I am nervous about this week. I gotta tell you.

[C]

I'm already nervous because I've given up our vices, energy.

[B]

We're all giving up our vices this week. We all have agreed upon it. We're all supposed to bring them in today.

[D]

That's right. So y' all enjoy what I've put into the refrigerator here in the studio. Yeah, it was. My vice is sugar completely. I am somebody who cannot turn down a dessert. And so Jeff's birthday party was over the weekend, and the people who prepared the cake there were kind enough to give me a layer of it, because they gave.

[F]

They seriously give you a whole layer?

[D]

Yes. I mean, in a huge bag. And he came and whispered in my ear, and he said, I know that you have to give this up on Monday, so enjoy tomorrow. So I said, all right.

[F]

So it's the first thing he said to me when I walked in, because the cake, beautiful cake. So admire the cake. And then he says, hey, is it cool if I give Melissa a big chunk of this because she can't eat it right this weekend? I couldn't remember what he was talking about. And he's like, yeah, Monday, she can't eat any more sugar.

[D]

Yeah. And so he did that. But somehow I didn't get any cake yesterday because I think Katie is so excited that this is happening because, I mean, I'm not in terrible shape, but I'm also not in as good a shape as I could be. And that eating sugar all the time has a lot to do with that.

[B]

And she's a hardcore athlete, too, right?

[D]

She's hardcore athlete, runner, and she always has to be active, and so she's kind of excited by this. So I figured out this morning, because yesterday was kind of a busy day. So it didn't hit me till after the end of the day that I didn't have any of Jeff's cake, even though I brought it home. But then I realized that she's the one that took it out of the car on Saturday night or Sunday morning when we got home. And so then this morning, when I was grabbing all the ice cream out of the freezer and I was gonna grab the cake, the cake was gone. So she snuck it out and probably threw it in the trash. Out. Thanks to the guy.

[B]

But you didn't get to have that last binge. That last.

[D]

I did not get to have a last piece of cake because Katie sabotaged me.

[B]

That sucks.

[D]

I did bring all the sugar in, and I will have no sugar this week, which I don't know if I've. The last time I did that.

[B]

What'd you bring in? What kind of sugar?

[D]

Well, let's see. Most of the. What was in the house was ice cream. So I have the Neapolitan Mayfield.

[E]

There's a lot of ice cream in the bag.

[F]

Is that what that whole bag is?

[D]

Yes, the whole bag was ice cream.

[F]

Oh, my God.

[B]

We should take a picture of that and put it up on your blog.

[D]

Mayfield. Mayfield's good. So Neapolitan Mayfield. And then we have some Barney's ice cream. That is a Christmas special. That was Mama Joe's joke on me for Katie's birthday to bring Christmas ice cream into the house before Halloween. And I still have some of that left.

[F]

But you allowed it because it was ice cream.

[D]

But I allowed it because it was ice cream.

[F]

Nice.

[D]

And then there's some sherbet's, which haven't been touched because. Sherbert. Whatever. So, yeah, so it was ice cream and sherbet and stuff. There's no Halloween candy. Yeah, Halloween Candy was gone November 1st.

[B]

So are you confessing right now, and you're totally honest in that you haven't hid like a Snickers in some compartment somewhere in the house? There's zero sugar in the house.

[D]

This morning I was.

[E]

I thought.

[D]

I was thinking into the inventory in the kitchen, because it doesn't stay like you talk about a Snicker in the cabinet. It wouldn't be there for long. So there's no. Yeah, there's no. All the Halloween candy has been gone. There's no chocolate. No, this is it. So I brought everything that I had. So no sugar for a week.

[B]

Godspeed this week.

[E]

You're all of a sudden Gonna become Martha Stewart and start baking your own cookies. You're gonna be, like, finding all the ingredients in the cabinet and be like, I can't go buy any, but I can sure make some.

[D]

No, and no offense to. I mean, I'm not trying to make eating disorder jokes. I've seen commercials where women are in the car, you know, outside the grocery store, hiding in their car, eating, binging. And so I'm going to do my best not to be that person outside of publix with, you know, candy wrappers leading up to the bar, so.

[E]

But I won't.

[F]

They find you passed out with chocolate

[D]

on your face, but I won't do it. No sugar this week.

[B]

All right, Wendy, your advice that you're giving up for this week is, what

[C]

are my diet pills? And I like my diet pills just because they give you a boost of energy in the morning. I'm used to taking two in the morning, and I haven't taken any this morning, so my energy level is already low. So I can't wait until Friday because, I don't know, I probably started taking diet pills maybe, like, three years ago or. Yeah, three years ago I started. And it's just been a different brand, like, pretty much every year. And it just speeds up your metabolism and gives you energy, and you don't need caffeine.

[B]

Well, yeah, a lot of those things, you may be having the same, like, withdrawal that a person trying to get off of caffeine will have, because those things are loaded with caffeine and all sorts of stuff that you can get addicted to.

[C]

Yeah. And I think you kind of have your, like, mindset wrapped around, like, the whole diet pill concept. Like, you're like, oh, if I'm taking it, I must be losing weight. So if you even stop taking it for a day, you'll be like, I can't eat anything. I can't eat anything because I don't have a diet pill in me.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Like, you feel like your metabolism will just shut off. So this week will be a downer.

[B]

So which one specifically? Is there more than one?

[C]

Well, I already threw out the other ones. I threw out the ones I had before. I threw out the rip fuel, and I threw out the stacker threes.

[F]

Macho milk.

[B]

I took that rip fuel one time. I. Seriously, One of those pills kept me up all night long. They must be.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Filled with caffeine.

[C]

You have to take them in the morning. You take them as soon as you wake up, and then you can have one during the middle of the day. But, yeah, past 3:00', clock, if you take one, you're done. You cannot go to bed.

[B]

They make you all jittery and. Yeah. And you can't eat on them.

[C]

Be careful with the rip fuel, because as soon as you take it, you are going to be sweating. No matter if you walk, like, one step or like you sit down, you are going to be. You're going to be pouring sweat.

[E]

Ew.

[D]

God.

[C]

I remember that. I took it right before class. I walked up the stairs to my class and I was like, this sucks. I look like I'm dying and it's, like, freezing in the building.

[F]

People are like, what's wrong with you?

[C]

Why are you sweating? You're sitting down. Why are you sweating?

[D]

So what is the box you have there?

[C]

The box I have is my xylene, which is a new diet pill that I've been using for a couple weeks now. So I brought in the whole box of pills.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

Box.

[E]

Box of pills.

[B]

How you feeling about not being on them? When's the last time that you went more than one day without being on these?

[C]

Oh, I don't remember.

[B]

Like, years? Are we talking about?

[C]

Yeah, I don't remember.

[B]

I take a diet pill every day for years.

[C]

Take that back. Every time I switch to a new one, I usually take. I'll take two weeks off, two and a half weeks off to switch so my body can get off the old one and get on the new one.

[B]

So your mindset is still. Even though you're not on it, it's still diet pill you're sacrificing because you're getting on a new one?

[D]

Yes. Okay, so the majority of that time you've been on.

[C]

Majority.

[E]

Yes.

[D]

All right, and who is. Who gets her pills? Like, I'm just curious who's gonna take control of the other ones?

[B]

We need to put them in some kind of.

[F]

Bert should take him because he's the guy who's gonna be tired.

[B]

You wanna just trade bison?

[C]

Yeah, I'm already exhausted. My energy level's done.

[B]

Here's the rest of the Lunesta that I had. That's it. It's gone. Take it.

[E]

Did you take some last night?

[B]

I did get one last night and I took it over the weekend, but that's it. It's gone. Done.

[F]

Now this is.

[E]

Are you stressed?

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

Quite honestly, I think this is the worst for Burt, because if he could

[D]

have insomnia all week.

[F]

Well, if any one of us have a meltdown, like, there's a Snicker bar or a store that Sells diet pills or whatever, like down the road. But if it's 11 o' clock at night, you can't get to the pharmacy. It's probably closed.

[D]

Yeah, there's some that are 24, 7.

[B]

Well, and it's prescribed also, so, I mean, I couldn't call in an order at 11 o'.

[G]

Clock.

[B]

So that's it. So this Lunesta, that's it.

[E]

That's how this whole thing started, too, is because we were telling Jeff, I think it was you saying to Bert, like, you just have got to do this for five days or two weeks or whatever it is. And then we all kind of jumped on the bandwagon with you.

[B]

Kind of a show of support. You're going to hate that.

[E]

You're going to know. But yours is the worst.

[F]

Yours is pretty bad, too.

[B]

I mean, mine's just not as accessible as yours. If you want to have a smoke later, you can. If I want to have a Lunesta, you're right, I can't do that. Mine is definitely. I can't do it.

[C]

Can we replace them, like, with something else? With, like, another vice, like, you can take, like Diamond Tap?

[B]

No, that's not the point of this, Windy.

[D]

You have to go cold turkey all week.

[F]

Nyquil. Birdstring and nyquil by the bottle.

[D]

I'm putting my ice cream in the break room in the piranhas of this building.

[E]

We'll take.

[D]

Take it over.

[F]

It'll be gone in 45 minutes

[D]

because I can't have it sitting right here. So I'll take it in the break.

[B]

I might find out at the end of this week that because I'm not taking these, like, maybe my body and my mind will be fine after three days of only, like, four hours of sleep. Maybe I can do that now. Maybe I'm so panicked that I needed more sleep before that. I've been taking the pills thinking I still need that sleep. Maybe I don't even need it. I don't know.

[F]

But this could be it, man. You gotta use the secret. You gotta be optimistic because Melissa's right. I think we are doing this for you.

[B]

Thank you. It's a show of support.

[F]

So I think you can, I think if you're optimistic about it and you remember it's only five days, what do you have this weekend? Anything?

[B]

Nothing.

[F]

You know what I mean? Here's actually a good mentality for you. It's five days this week, right? So get through this week, it's gonna suck. Then you've got a weekend and next week it's only three days long. Thanksgiving week and then Thanksgiving, you don't need them. And by the time that's there, you've gone two weeks without them. And you're gonna be fine.

[B]

I'm really, I'm really, I'm excited to see what the results are gonna be like. Can I do it? Do I really need this thing or is it all in my head so I'll know that by the end of the week? And Jen is cigarette smoking again.

[E]

Yep. I smoked in my twenties and quit for about three and a half years. And then this year I started smoking again with going through a divorce. And so, like, you know, it's time. I was actually really, really excited about that, you know, that we're all doing this together because I needed something to sort of make me do it. So here's my cigarettes.

[D]

Who wants. It's so funny how I'm collecting all these things. I don't know why we're giving them to Melissa.

[B]

I know, right?

[E]

So Melissa can diet, sleep and smoke,

[D]

but I just have sugar.

[F]

I know how you feel about Katie Joe's. I ain't giving you my BlackBerry. That thing will get smashed. Oh, I'm sorry, I left it in my pocket.

[D]

You cannot give me your BlackBerry.

[F]

I washed it. I burned it.

[B]

So are you able to give up the BlackBerry? Because we couldn't get you a lesser phone this week. So are you able to just give that thing up?

[F]

I'm actually part of me is tempted to go completely cell free for a week.

[E]

Oh my God. You should so do it.

[B]

How is that even possible?

[D]

I think you should do it.

[F]

No BlackBerry, no text, no cell phone.

[C]

How do we get in touch with you?

[E]

You can email him and he can check it once he sits down to his computer.

[F]

Yeah. Or you can call my phone and I will check my voicemail.

[B]

Do you even have a home phone?

[F]

You can still call the. I'm not gonna turn my phone number on.

[B]

I see. So you can check it from me.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, you could still call it,

[B]

but like, that's scaring me more than it is scaring you. It's like to not have any kind of contact with you or be able to text you or anything. That's gonna be strange. I know.

[E]

But you can still email him.

[F]

But people did it for years.

[D]

I would love, if it's possible, I would love for Jeff to go completely cold turkey just to see how the withdrawal.

[E]

Five days, it's not the end of the world.

[D]

Work wise. I think I would love to see him do this. You know, to where he could still be in contact but not have the BlackBerry. Because that is the thing of evil.

[E]

Yeah,

[D]

Literally, I had to Katie's last night. I mean, oh, I wish she was doing. I asked her to do this with you this week, and she wouldn't. I had to turn that thing over and put something on top of it

[F]

so she didn't see the light.

[D]

It's that damn light that lets her know that it is time to ignore your girlfriend and get to me, please.

[B]

And what makes this worse is that on Thursday, I'm supposed to get my first BlackBerry from Verizon.

[F]

So, yeah, Bert's on board, but I think. I think I'm going to go. I'm getting off the grid.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

That's awesome.

[B]

Jess Vice's BlackBerry using. That's done for the week. Jen's cigarette smoking? Done. Melissa sugar? Done. Me, my sleeping pill. Lunesta. And Wendy, God bless me.

[C]

Diet pills.

[B]

No diet pills this week.

[F]

And you know, Jessica has similar feelings as Melissa, so I thought she would be thrilled, you know, as I mentioned this, because I use my phone as my alarm clock, you know, so I'm sitting, I'm like, this is the last time. And I set it down and I turned off the email access. And she said, really? So. And I said, nope, not gonna use anything. She goes, oh, so now we own a $400 alarm clock. The Birch Show. Wish life was all fun and games at Chumba Casino. It is.

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[B]

We may not get any calls on this at all. But if we do, and it just takes one, it may be a fascinating conversation about psychology. So here's what we're looking for. Either you were in jail and somebody on the outside fell in love with you that you didn't know before you went in jail, or you were that person that fell in love with somebody while they were in jail, you were on the outside, you were free, free, free, free. But for whatever reason, ended up in maybe pen pal thing, email thing.

[D]

Well, the fascinating thing, you know, the two cases, we've talked about this. A few years ago, Scott Peterson, when he was arrested for murdering his wife, an unborn child. He's in jail, he's convicted of it. And then we had a Burt show listener that was writing him and that cared about him and found some connection with him. And it's just fascinating that here he is and the crime he committed and that somebody wants to reach out to him. And so then the same with Bryan Nichols. He was actually in the Fulton County Courthouse that day when he did those shootings for assault charges against his girlfriend. So then. So he had a history of abusing his girlfriend. And then he just, you know, lost it. Lost it. Killed four people right there. Four strangers. And then this woman has developed a relationship with him after he was arrested for that.

[B]

I don't see anybody. There's nobody calling for it.

[F]

They will.

[E]

She feels like she can fix him, is my thought. Or could it be like, here they come. Because it could be the attention thing. Like she maybe doesn't get enough attention in her life, and he only has time to give her attention or write her back or that sort of thing. Maybe that makes her feel special. But I really think it's a. She feels like she's different and she can change him and she can fix him.

[B]

Or it could be. And I'm no psychologist, but it could be a total control thing. Like when you're on the outside and you've got somebody on the inside.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Then you're in complete and total control of the relationship. You do what you want, go where you want. You're not accountable at all because he or she is in jail and they can't. They've got zero say. So you're in total and complete control of the relationship.

[D]

Well, in the case that we just. About Scott Peterson and Brian Nichols, I mean, then there. There's not really much of a chance they're going to get out. So it's not like, you know, because I'd be worried about, you know, eventually they'll get out, and then you're not in control anymore, and they're coming straight to you. You Know.

[B]

All right, we don't have the person, but we have a friend of the person.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Whitney, you fell in love with somebody in jail?

[A]

Yep. It was a domestic violence dispute that he was in there for.

[B]

Well, didn't that scare the hell out of you?

[F]

Now, it wasn't his fault. He wasn't guilty.

[A]

I didn't know it at the time.

[B]

So how does this whole thing even start?

[A]

My friend was dating him. I had never met him. Her parents didn't agree with their relationship, so I would call or I was like the middle person for the contact.

[F]

So your friend would talk to you, then you would call him in jail, then he'd relay messages back and you go back to your friend and he

[A]

would call and then I would three way her and get them on. And then eventually she moved on and me and him kept talking and one thing led to another.

[D]

And was the domestic abuse against your friend?

[A]

No, no, no, no. That was against his baby's mama.

[B]

Oh, okay. So you.

[E]

Did you think he really did it?

[A]

I don't know. When he actually got out and I met him for the first time, everything was great for about two months. And then I kind of found out he'd lied to me about a bunch of stuff. And he was like 30 and I was, you know, 18, and he had like a five year old and I was just gonna be in.

[B]

Boy, the hits just keep on coming here. You said the first time that you met him is when he got out of jail.

[A]

Uh huh. Yeah. He walked to my house. He didn't have a car.

[F]

Oh, from jail.

[D]

That's the first place they go.

[B]

That's a sweet story. How far? How far walk was that?

[A]

Oh, he got out at like 2 in the afternoon and he showed up at my house like three in the morning.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[E]

Really? That was a long walk.

[B]

Well, he'd been in jail for a long time without any, you know, have

[E]

to be in jail that long and that long of a walk. I bet he's smelled ripe.

[F]

Guys. I'll walk that off. You put sex at the end of the march, and they will go as far as you need them to.

[B]

Is that old song from the ac, right? The Proclaimers.

[D]

And I love the fact that you say her friend. Her friend's mom didn't agree with it. Well, that's because she's a teenager talking to a dude that's in jail.

[A]

Yeah, well, all of us. So it didn't work. He came and I met him and I was just like, oh, no.

[B]

Okay. All right, well, this one you can all sort of play off. Also, she was 18, he was 30. I shouldn't really know what she was doing. Some people at the time that were adults and in their right mind. Oh, good morning, mark. You're on Q100. Hi.

[G]

Hey. I gotta say, first of all, I love you guys. I love your show.

[E]

Thanks.

[G]

Yeah, I just wanted to call, actually. I've been to prison, and this was years ago, and I've had women actually want to write me. And I'm really surprised that, like, a lot more women are calling, because that's really common.

[B]

Oh, yeah, they're loaded now. Now we got plenty of them lined up.

[G]

Okay. Okay. Because I was gonna say, like, I've had women, like, not to write them because, like, prison isn't a cakewalk, and I need to focus on where I'm at as opposed to something on the outside. But I was gonna say I'm really surprised if nobody calls up. But is it just.

[D]

Was it random women that. I mean, how did they know to write. Yes.

[G]

Random. Random women.

[E]

How do they get your names and your ad? Like, I mean, how do they find you?

[G]

Well, a lot of times your name gets passed through a. Well. Yeah, well, you know what, girl? My cousin's in prison. Maybe you should write, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know? And these are, like, girls you just don't know. Random women. Some women you do know. The woman that wanted to write me, it was a girl that I was. I wasn't dating her. We were just friends with benefits, and I went to prison. And when I went, I kind of called her on the phone and said, look, the relationship's over. It's best that you just go see someone else. And she kept writing me and, you know, kept writing me, and finally she got the message, you know? But it's very common, very common.

[B]

Since you got a couple of these, you had a couple of correspondence. I think the psychology of the whole thing sort of fascinates us a little bit. So what's the common denominator with these women? Are they just really trying to make themselves available by not making themselves available? Is it. Are they trying to fix somebody in jail?

[G]

It's. Well, I've seen. I think it's a combination of things. I think, one, I think they're kind of tired of the. For lack of a better term, kind of like, tired of being screwed around by guys. And this guy's here. It's like a control thing. This guy's here, you know, and when you're in prison, you pretty Much. Say anything. You know, you'll say anything.

[B]

So at that point, they're like, I know where he is. He certainly can't screw around on me. And even though he's in jail, I'll take that.

[G]

Yeah, exactly.

[E]

Do any of those relationships work once the guy gets out? Have you ever heard of any of them that are successful?

[G]

I know of one.

[F]

And same track record as the Bachelor.

[G]

They lasted for like maybe 10 years and eventually she got tired of. Because once he got out, he just pretty much went to his old ways.

[B]

Sure. You know, what were you in jail for?

[G]

I was trafficking drugs.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Were you innocent?

[A]

What?

[G]

Please, I was dead guilty.

[B]

You're the first.

[F]

Well, once you're out, then, yeah, of course I was guilty.

[B]

While you're in there, you're innocent as hell. Thank you for calling, Mark. Appreciate it, man. Thank you. Yeah. Now, we could take our. Take your pick.

[D]

But that's funny, though. I mean, because Jen had mentioned focused attention, which I think is part of it, too, because, you know, that prisoner has focused attention on you, but the fact that you always know where that prisoner is. Yeah, never thought of that.

[B]

I will take one more call on this, but now we could probably do this for an hour. Hey, Kelly, Good Morning. You're on Q100. Okay. What's up?

[A]

I just. My alarm just went off. And then I was hearing this and I was like, oh, my God, they're speaking to me. So crazy. I dated. I knew a guy for about a week, and then we. And then he went to jail. And at first I started doing it because I had never known anyone to go to jail. So I did it out of being nice, I guess.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

And then it turned into he was in there for about a year, about 14 months. And within those 14 months, we, like, fell in love with each other.

[B]

I'll say the same thing I said earlier this morning. If you're a single guy and you're listening to this, you're like, I'm doing everything right. I've got a job. I've got weeds. I've got a job. I'm at East Andrews one night. You know, I'm at Velvet Room the other. I'm a good looking guy and I can't get a date. And then there's a dude sitting in jail right now. He's getting all these letters right now going, hey, I want to be with you. Hadn't even met him. What's a guy gotta do to get sex in the city is you gotta go to jail.

[F]

There's some guy who's actually thinking, God, I'm gonna just get picked up for something that'll just put me in there on weekends just so I can go through the mail.

[B]

It happens more often than you think. Because we could seriously do this for the next hour.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

So wild.

[B]

So it did sound like the common denominator, at least with Mark, was that women know where the men are. No, they're not screwing around. They got them right there, and they're always there for them when you need them.

[D]

Well, that also should make a comment here in some men that are outside jail. Like, if women are having to write letters in jail to keep tabs on a guy, what is wrong with you?

[B]

There are so few good men out there. The women are starting to go to the penal system to find their men.

[F]

The bird show.

[B]

Good morning, Christine.

[A]

Hi. Good morning.

[B]

How are you today?

[A]

Excellent.

[B]

And I think this is a little ghost hunter ish here.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

We play the audio, and we couldn't really quite hear it in here, but maybe somebody in their car could figure it out.

[F]

Right, so we're not gonna say what Christine thinks it is until we've taken a few calls. Right.

[B]

I don't even have a clue. There's no sheet here in front of me that says what this bird is saying.

[D]

I don't think she knows. Right. That's why she came to us.

[F]

You have an idea, though, don't you?

[A]

I sort of think I know, but I could be way off.

[F]

Okay, well, the only way for this to be a properly good bird listening experiment, because I used to. I did these in college. So the only way that this is properly gonna work is if you don't tell us what your idea is, and we hear it cold and the listeners hear it cold. And then we'll give our guesses and take calls. And if any of them match up, we might have some. Something.

[B]

Okay, what kind of bird are we talking about here?

[A]

It's a cockatiel.

[B]

A cockatiel. One of those. Growing up, my parents had one of those. Okay.

[A]

It actually belongs to my daughter. She's sick and she loves animals. She has a guinea pig, cockatiel. We have cat. You know, the whole deal.

[C]

So all Bert's favorite animals wrapped into one.

[B]

Do you have a ferret also? Because then we can totally complete the set right there.

[A]

No, no, parrot.

[B]

All right, so I've got three clips to play, and I think they're all different. One is 15 seconds long, one is 25, and the other one is just. I think they're all different. So if you guys listening in your car can hear what this bird is saying, then give us a call. Hey, are we There are sometimes when we're doing the show where I can like sort of have this out of studio experience and see the ridiculousness in it.

[A]

Oh, it's funny.

[D]

Are we doing a public service?

[F]

Are we getting paid right now or is this kind of like just we're on our own?

[B]

I think we're actually getting paid.

[D]

No, we're paying the bird.

[A]

I just remember hearing on the ghost thing that, remember they were saying Tootsie Roll? We all thought they were saying Tootsie Roll. And then a caller called in and goes, no, I hear this. And I was just like, wow, that is exactly what I need. Because when I look at him and he's making these noises, I swear he's saying one thing, but I just can't get like his little face out of my head when I hear that noise. So I'm just hoping that someone will be able to do that.

[F]

Will you tell us what his expressions like? Will that help us?

[A]

No expression?

[F]

None. Okay.

[E]

Do you think he's a gifted cockatiel?

[A]

I don't know. He gives kisses and he wolf whistles and whistles like that. I mean, he's really fun. The kids play with him all the time and he's friendly.

[F]

And when he gives kisses, does he have soft lips?

[A]

No, he doesn't actually touch my mouth.

[B]

Okay, let's not get weird about this.

[A]

Yeah, he just kind of makes the noise, like a kissing noise.

[B]

All right, let me go ahead. Play the first sound.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And if you guys hear what he's talking about. 404-741-Q100. Where in there is he talking?

[A]

No, no, that. That one doesn't have any talking. Actually, I think it's like the one second one that has just a brief little thing that he says.

[D]

You're just trying to show out. Okay, she's just trying to show out.

[F]

Proof that he does that wolf whistle thing.

[B]

Here's the one second clip. I don't think he's saying a damn thing.

[A]

He's talking right now. Do you hear?

[D]

He's pissing you out?

[A]

Can you hear?

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

You think that. Cry for help if you ask me.

[B]

Get me out of here.

[E]

I think he said, sounds like an animal in duress.

[F]

Let me out of this cage and take me back to the Caribbean.

[B]

Let's try it again. I don't. I don't hear anything in this. Hold on.

[E]

I'm with Wendy. I think it sounds like A baby.

[B]

Oh, they're having a conversation. It's not that gifted.

[F]

He's talking to himself.

[B]

I don't think your bird is saying anything.

[A]

Okay, you guys.

[B]

Well, hold on.

[F]

I know, but, I mean, we got listeners who can call up people who hear this at home.

[B]

Megan, good Morning. You're on Q100. Hi.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, I'm echoing.

[B]

What's that?

[A]

I'm echoing.

[F]

No, you're not. You're high.

[A]

Oh, okay. Well, anyways, like, we have four birds, and we have two pocket seals, and they're fishing.

[G]

Noise.

[D]

I'm sorry, what?

[A]

Her birds aren't talking.

[B]

They're just making noises.

[A]

Little noises.

[G]

An idiot.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, hey, come on.

[F]

Why are you so mean?

[D]

Cause her birds are smarter than this woman's birds.

[E]

Yeah, she doesn't have gifted cockatoos.

[F]

You know what? Bird people are angry.

[G]

Wow.

[B]

Oliver, go ahead. You're on Q100 Bird Show. Yes, sir.

[G]

I love you guys.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Uh.

[G]

Oh, but what in the hell are we doing listening to this cockatoo? Can we move on to something else?

[B]

I think we're gonna have to. Cause I don't think it's saying anything.

[G]

Are there any more clues?

[D]

I'm so excited. This is a waste of five minutes.

[B]

Right?

[F]

Oliver, what do you think it's saying?

[B]

He's gone.

[E]

That's the only clip of it.

[B]

That's it.

[E]

There's no more clips.

[D]

I don't think it's saying anything.

[A]

All right.

[B]

I don't think your word is saying a damn thing. I'm not gonna wait. It's already too long.

[F]

Christine, what did you think it was saying?

[A]

Well, there's times where I think it's saying, you're making me crazy. You make me crazy. Like, it just sort of sounds like he's saying crazy at the end.

[F]

You might be hearing crazy.

[A]

That's true. That's true.

[B]

I got nothing. Zero.

[A]

All right. I just. Like I said, you know, you start hearing things, and it's like the more he talks, the more it feels like he is saying something.

[B]

I don't hear anything talking about it at all, though.

[E]

But have you. I mean, you could seek out a pet psychic. Aren't there such things?

[A]

Yeah, no, I don't think that's my. I guess the caller that said I was an idiot is probably right.

[D]

She's hurt. Her feelings aren't hurt.

[B]

Don't get your feelings all hurt.

[D]

Her feelings aren't hurt. I was so excited, and I just think that the solution is the fact that I don't think the bird's saying anything.

[F]

Don't get your feathers all in a bunch.

[E]

I say go to the pet psychic and then report back.

[D]

I appreciate you coming to us.

[C]

I do too.

[F]

I'm more fascinated by the person who's so angry that they call someone else an idiot.

[B]

I know. Over a bit. Josh, go ahead. You're on Q100.

[G]

Man. That last caller just needs to go ahead and stop listening to call in and call somebody an idiot. Disrespectful.

[F]

You know what it might be? Maybe they gave up a vice this week as well. Yeah, maybe they're not.

[E]

Quit smoking with me.

[F]

Uh huh.

[B]

Josh, you hear anything in that?

[G]

You know, I just hear the bird having a good time making a little squeal. And I would just say it's just bird talk. I mean, nothing, nothing human like, but, you know, it's just a bird having a good time making some noises, you know? You have a lot of animals that do that time. My wife's an animal person. I'm not, but.

[E]

Has anybody ever told you you sound like Matthew McConaughey?

[B]

Not at all. Just keep living, bro.

[G]

I'll run with it.

[E]

You do.

[C]

I really want a bird now.

[A]

I just think sometimes my husband says that when he's home and he lets the answer machine get the message. Sometimes the bird will just going crazy and talking, like right after he hears the message and I guess just we call it talking because that's what my kids, you know, are. 4, 6, 8. They believe he's talking.

[F]

Yeah, if you're a cockatiel, then he's definitely talking.

[B]

Hey, Megan, go ahead. You're on Q100.

[A]

Hi. I used to breed cockatiels and I'm letting you know that the bird is trying to talk. That's what they sound like when they're learning words. Their voices are very raspy. They typically aren't as clear as other parrots. But most of the time, cockatiels are only able to learn one or two words at a time. So it's probably something that they repeat to the bird and it's just saying it back, like whatever she says to the bird when she's holding it or, you know, over near its cage. It's probably what it's repeating.

[F]

What are you saying? What are you saying?

[A]

Driving me crazy.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Aw.

[A]

So maybe I just rejected that. That's what he's saying.

[D]

Thank you so much for calling.

[A]

All right, well, thank you.

[B]

All right, bye bye.

[A]

All right, bye.

[F]

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