Full Show PT 1: Tuesday, December 2 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 1: Tuesday, December 2 [Vault]

Date: December 2, 2025
Episode Theme: Candid celebrity chat, fun personal banter, gender and beauty standards, politics, and comedic “smear campaigns”

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Overview

This episode of The Bert Show delivers an entertaining mix of celebrity interviews, light-hearted conversation, and relatable life topics. The show features an engaging interview with supermodel Tyra Banks, lively group banter about societal views on beauty, fun takes on sexiness for men and women, and a creative parody on political smear campaigns among the show’s hosts. Throughout, the show remains upbeat, honest, and humorous while promoting positive self-image and critical thinking.

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Key Segments & Discussions

1. Special Guest Interview: Tyra Banks

[01:32 – 09:31]

Tyra's Trailblazing Career

• Tyra Banks joins the show, reflecting on her barrier-breaking achievements as the first African American woman on the covers of GQ, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, and Victoria’s Secret.
  • Quote (Tyra, 01:55): “Yes.” (on being first African American woman cover model)
• She discusses the impact of the Sports Illustrated cover on her career.
  • Quote (Tyra, 02:12): “I think it really did help a lot... I really think it made everybody in America say, ‘Oh, who’s that girl?’”

The Reality of Modeling

• Tyra humorously admits she doesn't enjoy beach photo shoots: sand, sun, and the lack of privacy are downsides.
  • Quote (Tyra, 02:59): “Anywhere with sand and water... I hate shooting on a beach.”
• Dispels myths about supermodel beauty routines and reveals she spends three and a half hours in makeup but avoids facials.
  • Quote (Tyra, 03:58): “I don’t really do any of that stuff... but I do sit in a hair and makeup chair for three and a half hours.”

Self-Perception and Advice for Aspiring Models

• Tyra is candid about not viewing herself as beautiful without makeup.
  • Quote (Tyra, 04:18): “I look at myself as a palette... I don’t look at myself all natural and say, ‘Ooh, girl, you fine.’”
• Advises young girls to value education and highlights how subjective and tough the industry is.
  • Quote (Tyra, 04:42): “Get your education first... just because you’re beautiful doesn’t mean you photograph great.”
• Shares harsh rejections she faced for her looks: “We already have enough Black girls. ...Your lips are too big. Your nose is too soft.” [05:29]

Coping with Criticism

• Tyra credits her mom for teaching her to view herself as a “product” and not attach self-worth to professional rejection.
  • Quote (Tyra, 05:59): “My mom taught me to look at myself as a product and separate myself from the product.”

Flaws and Retouching

• Most airbrushed features? “Dimples on my booty. Cellulite on the backs of the thighs. Dark circles under my eyes.” [06:54]

New TV Show: America’s Next Top Model

• Tyra introduces her new reality competition show, emphasizing its realistic look at modeling.
  • Quote (Tyra, 07:20): “I created this show... we follow them 24/7, similar to ‘The Real World.’”
• Tyra is a fan of The Real World, specifically the Las Vegas, Seattle, and New York seasons; jokes about a famous controversial scene.
  • Quote (Tyra, 08:33): “Which one was Seattle? Was that when that guy bitch slapped that girl in the car? Yeah, I like that one too. That was a good one.”

2. What’s Sexy? Gendered Beauty Standards [09:49 – 18:34]

Female Sexiness: Dos and Don'ts

• The cast lists “Unsexy” behaviors for women: missing spots shaving legs, excessive hair flipping, scratching, talking about body mites, face/nose picking, eating too fast, and nail-biting.
  • Quote (Melissa, 14:34): “...the number one thing on my list of things not to do if you want to be sexy is bite your nails.”

Male Sexiness: The Mystery

• The team ponders what makes men sexy, noting women’s standards can be contradictory and less visual.

  • Quote (Jeff, 15:06): “For a guy it is so easy to look at a woman and for a woman to make herself sexy. But I have never really got any concrete answers on what can make a guy physically sexy.”

• Moderate reveal of physique—like a fitted shirt—is generally agreed to be more attractive than oversharing.

  • Quote (Melissa, 15:38): “You don't want to do that cut-off shirt thing, which is nasty and redneck...But a nicely fit shirt that shows some physique, that is sexy.”

• The group shares a story about a photo of an exceedingly hairy man that’s both "disgusting" and "hypnotic."

  • Quote (Jeff, 17:23): “He is the hairiest human being I have ever seen... so disgusting that I could not look away.”

• They debate whether people are genuinely attracted to excess body hair.

  • Quote (Melissa, 18:28): “Some women and some men find that very, very attractive.”

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3. Smear Campaigns in Politics... and Among the Hosts!

[21:28 – 33:35]

Real Political Ads & Smear Tactics

• Brief discussion on real elections, negative campaigning, and how mudslinging influences voters who don’t research.
  • Quote (Jeff, 21:28): “These smear campaigns must be productive because, I mean, in each and every election... the candidates wouldn’t just bash each other the way they do, right?”

Family Attitudes About Voting

• Personal anecdotes about how some families keep their votes secret and avoid showing off new purchases to neighbors.

The Show’s Own Political Smear Ads [27:42 – 33:35]

• The crew produces humorous “smear campaign” commercials targeting each other, parodying classic attack-ad tropes.

  • Against Melissa Carter (Narration, 28:11): “Melissa Carter. Not now, not ever. Not the right choice...”
  • Against Burt Weiss (Melissa, 29:10): “Do you really want Burt Weiss in charge of educating your children? Think about that when you go to the polls today.”
  • Against Jeff Dollar (Melissa’s parody, 30:27): “If you can handle a text-only relationship with your political leader... don’t expect anything more from Jeff$.”
  • Against Jen Hobby (Jeff’s parody, 32:01): “Jen Hobby doesn’t know what it means to succeed. She doesn’t know victory... her lifestyle is not conducive to a feeling of family.”

• The entire team joins in to elaborate and react, poking fun at each other's quirks, ranging from addiction to technology to cussing in front of children.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

Tyra Banks on perseverance:
“My mom taught me to look at myself as a product and to separate myself from the product... It just means, you know, that that product is not really hot right now, and it’s time to move on...” [05:59]

Tyra Banks, candidly on flaws:
“Dimples on my booty. You know, cellulite on the backs of the thighs. Dark circles underneath my eyes.” [06:54]

Jeff Dollar, on male sex appeal:
“I have never really got any concrete answers on what can make a guy physically sexy.” [15:06]

Group, on body hair fascination:
“It is so disgusting that I could not look away. It was that bad.” (Jeff, on seeing the hairy guy photo, 17:23)
“I imagine, people like Drano or those companies making a lot of money off him because he clogs the drain every time he showers.” (Melissa, 18:13)

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Timestamps for Noteworthy Segments

• 01:32: Tyra Banks joins the show
• 02:59: Tyra on disliking beach photoshoots
• 04:18: Self-perception and “product” mentality
• 05:25: Model rejection stories
• 06:54: Flaws most retouched on Tyra’s photos
• 07:20: Intro to ‘America’s Next Top Model’
• 09:49: Group pivots to ‘what’s sexy’ talk
• 14:34: List of biggest “unsexy” habits for women
• 17:23: Hairy guy photo anecdote
• 21:28: Real-world smear campaigns and politics
• 27:42: Show’s own parody smear ads begin
• 32:01: Jeff’s comedic attack ad on Jen Hobby

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Tone & Style

The show keeps an energetic, playful, and conversational style, often pivoting between genuine insight and tongue-in-cheek humor. The hosts are candid about their quirks, share laughs at their own expense, and create a friendly, welcoming atmosphere for both celebrity guests and listeners.

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Summary

This episode is classic “The Bert Show”: an artful blend of celebrity access (with Tyra Banks), audience relatability on beauty standards and gender expectations, and the group’s signature comedic chemistry. Whether offering advice, poking fun at themselves, or parodying the political climate, the hosts keep things real and entertaining, making this a perfect listen for anyone wanting wit, honesty, and genuine connection.

Transcript

[Burt]

Oh, hey, welcome to gift wrapping. Whoa. So is Saldana.

[Melissa Carter]

Hey, can you wrap these, please?

[Jeff]

Wow.

[Jen Hobby]

IPhone 17s.

[Jessica]

You splurged at T Mobile. You can get four iPhone 17s on them. The new center stage front camera is amazing for group selfies. It's the perfect gift for everyone.

[Jen Hobby]

I'm the worst.

[Melissa Carter]

I only got my mom a robe.

[Jessica]

Well, it's better than socks.

[Jen Hobby]

So I have to trade in my old phone, right?

[Melissa Carter]

No, AT T Mobile.

[Jessica]

There's no trade ins needed when you switch. Keep your old phone or give it as a gift.

[Burt]

Incredible.

[Jessica]

In fact, wrap up my old phone too for my aunt Rosa. Forget that. Aunt Liz will be jealous.

[Jen Hobby]

Sounds like my family drama.

[Melissa Carter]

Oh, I got it.

[Jessica]

I'll give it to my abuela. I'll take reindeer paper with.

[Melissa Carter]

Hey, where are you going?

[Burt]

To T Mobile.

[Jeff]

The holidays are better.

[Burt]

AT T Mobile get four iPhone 17s on us. No trade in needed when you switch plus four lines for just 25 bucks a line. And now T Mobile is available in.

[Jeff]

US cellular stores with 24 monthly bill.

[Melissa Carter]

Credits and 4 eligible board ins on.

[Jeff]

Essentials for well qualified customers gotta pay.

[Melissa Carter]

Plus taxes, fees and $35 device connection.

[Burt]

Charge credits and deposit balance due. If you pay off earlier.

[Melissa Carter]

Cancel contact US Finance Agreement.

[Jeff]

256 gigabytes.

[Burt]

830 required. Visit T mobile.com Did I talk too much? Can't I just let it go? Thank you so much.

[Jessica]

Take a breath.

[Melissa Carter]

You're not alone. Let's talk about what's going on.

[Jessica]

Counseling helps you sort through the noise with qualified professionals, and online therapy makes it convenient. See if it's for you. Visit betterhelp.com randompodcast for 10% off your first month of online therapy. And let life feel better.

[Jeff]

The Burt Show. Tyra Banks joining us on the Burt Show. How are you this morning?

[Tyra Banks]

I'm just great.

[Jeff]

You know, in reading over your. Your bio yesterday, I didn't realize how much you really kind of pioneered modeling.

[Tyra Banks]

Oh, God, that sounds scary.

[Jeff]

Well, first. First African American woman to grace the covers of GQ mag, Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, and Victoria's Secret catalog.

[Tyra Banks]

Yes.

[Jeff]

Yeah. Good for Tyra Banks. Yes.

[Melissa Carter]

That's a huge accomplishment. Congratulations.

[Tyra Banks]

Thank you.

[Jeff]

Is. Is gracing the COVID of the Sports Illustrated magazine? Like, is that the crown jewel, do you think, in your career? Because, I mean, you constantly hear about the buzz of being on the COVID of that magazine.

[Tyra Banks]

Yeah, I think. I think it really did help a lot. I really think it made me, you know, everybody in America say, oh, who's that girl?

[Melissa Carter]

You know, I'm just kind of curious. When you're on the COVID of Sports Illustrated or the many covers, how many copies do you buy? When you go out to get it.

[Tyra Banks]

You know, what you do is you ask for them to send you the boxes and boxes of it.

[Melissa Carter]

Okay.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Jeff]

All right. That's smart. That must be so cool. Just like walking down the streets in New York and, you know, you're trying not to look at yourself on a magazine, but damn, there I am.

[Melissa Carter]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jeff]

That's gotta be the coolest thing.

[Melissa Carter]

I think that's Tyra Banks, and I think she's walked past my newsstand eight times.

[Jeff]

For every. Every, you know, photo shoot that you got to do on, like, these exotic locations. Once you became Tyra Banks, where are some of the places that you had to shoot that you're like, I gotta get the hell out of here.

[Tyra Banks]

Anywhere with sand and water. I know that sounds crazy, but I hate shooting on a beach. Really many beaches, as I've shot on the sand just gets all in weird places. You have to change in a. You know, with a towel wrapped around you in front of everybody, taking pictures of you. You know, like all these tourists and stuff, taking pictures while you change. The sun is all bright and killing my eyes, and I have to look into the sun. Like, it. I hate it.

[Jeff]

Whenever they show, like, the. The Sports Illustrated shoot on espn, you know, when they show the video, there's always like, one lucky smiling son of ass obait that has the water that has to spritz you guys down. That's his job, the spritzing guy.

[Tyra Banks]

Just like he's gay, though. He ain't cut on the gay spritzer.

[Jessica]

How much upkeep does it take? What's your daily regime? Like, what do you do that requires you to look the way you look and be the way you are? Because we think you're born that way. And we know you are. You're gorgeous. But there's gotta be, like, exfoliating, all that stuff that we wouldn't do on a normal basis to keep.

[Tyra Banks]

Well, I don't really do any of that stuff. Like, that prep stuff I don't really do, but I do sit in a hair and makeup chair for three and a half hours.

[Jeff]

I've always wondered.

[Tyra Banks]

I don't get facials and all that stuff.

[Jeff]

I don't do that, do supermodel. Like, do you think you're beautiful? Like, when you look at yourself in the mirror without the makeup on and the hair and everything all done, do.

[Tyra Banks]

You Go without it.

[Jeff]

Yeah, without it.

[Tyra Banks]

When I look in the mirror, I look at myself as a palette. I look at myself as saying, you know, I know I have the capability to be transformed into anything, but I don't look at myself when I'm all natural and say, ooh, girl, you fine. I don't do that.

[Jeff]

What advice do you give young girls that are getting into modeling? Because, you know, for every Tyra banks, there are 5,000 little girls that, you know, think it's probably cool to drop out of school and pursue modeling.

[Tyra Banks]

Yeah, I told them, you know, get your education first. I didn't drop out of school. I had a friend that dropped out and she didn't really have much success. I did finish high school, and I applied to four colleges and got into every single one of them.

[Jessica]

Good for you.

[Tyra Banks]

But I was discovered and I didn't go to college. I went to Paris instead. But, you know, the advice I tell girls is to. That it's not just about beautiful. You know, that you might be the prettiest girl in school or college or whatever it may be. And then you go into a modeling agency and you get your feelings hurt because there's so many beautiful girls. But they're looking for that extra special something. They're looking for somebody that photographs spectacularly, and they're also looking for a personality. And just because you're beautiful doesn't mean that you photograph great. And just because you're not gorgeous doesn't mean that you won't take a good picture.

[Jeff]

What were some of the rejection lines that Tyra Banks heard before you made it?

[Tyra Banks]

I heard that we already have enough black girls. We have somebody that looks just like you. Your lips are too big, your nose is too, too soft. You know, all kind of stuff.

[Melissa Carter]

In a society where beauty for any woman is apparently priority on everybody's mind, how do you detach yourself from those criticisms and not let it get you down? Because that's gotta be rough. Where everywhere you go, somebody is pinpointing every single little flaw that they can that, you know, is seemingly ridiculous.

[Tyra Banks]

Yeah. That's interesting you say that, because I talk to girls, and I talk to girls on my show about that, that this industry, you know, you can come into it with the highest self esteem, but it can slowly break you, you know, with people pointing out flaws that you didn't even know that you had. And who's to say it's a flaw? But my mom taught me to look at myself as a product and to separate myself from the product. So you can, like, buff the product. You know, you can wash your face. You know, you can brush your teeth and floss and maybe get your teeth bleached or something, but, you know, your product is whatever it is. And if people aren't wanting that product, it doesn't mean they don't want you. It just means, you know, that that product is not really hot right now, and it's time to move on to something else, as opposed to saying, they don't want me. They don't want me. I don't see it as me. I see it as a separate entity from me.

[Jeff]

We're gonna talk to Tyra about her new television show in just one second. I have to ask you this question, though. What flaw do you have on your body that is airbrushed the most?

[Tyra Banks]

Dimples on my booty.

[Burt]

Booty dimples.

[Tyra Banks]

You know, cellulite on the backs of the thighs. Dark circles underneath my eyes. Yeah, those are my main ones.

[Jeff]

So are there times where you're looking at pictures of you going, oh, my God, I can't believe they can hide that?

[Tyra Banks]

No. Sometimes I'm like, oh, my God, I can't believe they didn't retouch them.

[Jeff]

Tell us about the new television show, because it has to do with all this stuff.

[Melissa Carter]

Yeah.

[Tyra Banks]

I created this show, America's next top Model. It's a dramalody. We follow them 24 7, similar to the show the Real world on mtv. And if it does, you know, of course, an element of modeling, and I kind of guide them through this whole crazy modeling world. And, you know, after eight weeks, the best girl is left standing and she's a star.

[Jeff]

This is the kind of thing where a girl gets eliminated every week.

[Tyra Banks]

Yeah, every week a girl does get eliminated.

[Jeff]

And this has been taped already, I'm guessing.

[Tyra Banks]

Yeah, it's been taped. We already have our winner.

[Jeff]

And did a lot of the issues that come up in the modeling world come up during the taping of this series?

[Tyra Banks]

I think most of the issues in the modeling world, I tried to keep this as close to the modeling, the true modeling world as possible. And the drama came, you know, with. With the girls personalities and, you know, cat fighting and things like that. But in terms of the modeling world, it's really legitimate and true.

[Jessica]

Tara, I got a question for you. I'm a little starstruck right now. Just letting you know, do you actually someone like yourself, like a big successful model, do you actually watch the Real World?

[Tyra Banks]

I love that show.

[Jen Hobby]

Do you?

[Jessica]

So what's your favorite season?

[Tyra Banks]

I like las Vegas. And I liked Seattle. No, I liked New York.

[Jessica]

Oh, you didn't like Seattle?

[Tyra Banks]

Which one was Seattle? Was that when that guy bitch slapped that girl in the car? Yeah, yeah, I like that one too. That was a good one.

[Jeff]

See, Lindsey's asking because she was on that show.

[Tyra Banks]

Oh, you were?

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Sorry.

[Jessica]

That's right. It's like you never. I mean, it wouldn't be.

[Melissa Carter]

Well, use the rule. I mean. Yeah. If you're starstruck, use the Real World card. Absolutely.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Jessica]

I mean, it's just, it's cool because you, you compared your show and I just think you are. I think you're the most gorgeous model out there. Thank you. And it's so wonderful to hear that you have so much personality and you're so well spoken and just incredible. You're a great role mod. But it's also, it's funny to think that someone as cool as yourself would watch, you know, a show that. Yeah, because we think that nobody listens to the radio show either.

[Jeff]

Well, we've got the ratings to prove that. So it's cool to find out that.

[Jessica]

You know, one of your role models does.

[Tyra Banks]

Oh, hell yeah. I watch the Real World.

[Jeff]

Tyra Banks.

[Tyra Banks]

The name of the show, America's Next Top Model. It comes on on Tuesday at 9 o', clock, 8 Central and UPN.

[Jeff]

We will be sure on Tuesday to remind people to watch it.

[Tyra Banks]

Okay, great. Thank you.

[Jeff]

Thanks a lot, Tyra. Bye now. Bye. See ya. Boy, she seemed cool.

[Burt]

Yeah, she's really cool.

[Melissa Carter]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

And you talk about a great role model for your kids.

[Melissa Carter]

Absolutely. And I think, you know the show, hopefully, like she said, if it's so close to the modeling world, that'll be good for young kids to watch and see what, you know, they really are.

[Jeff]

Getting into the vert show.

[Melissa Carter]

You know, here, since we, you know, phone lines are down, we thought we would talk a little bit, give some people advice on what you can do to be sexy this weekend. You know, here's some, some top things you can do and not.

[Jeff]

Does this go both ways with guys and women? Because with women, very easy to be sexual.

[Melissa Carter]

I think this is more geared toward women.

[Jeff]

Okay, take some clothes off. Boom, sexy, done. Let's move on.

[Melissa Carter]

Well, here are things. Well, we'll. Okay, let's flip it a little bit. Then let's talk about things not to do.

[Jeff]

Okay, this is.

[Melissa Carter]

These are things to not to do if you want to be sexy. So. Okay, if you want to be sexy, then there's Burt number one. Only thing you have to do is Take off your clothes. Is that what you're saying?

[Jeff]

I'm not saying all of them. I'm just a little bit. Just tease me a little bit.

[Melissa Carter]

Little bit.

[Jeff]

Show me a little midriff action. Bring the, you know, the dinky up a little bit.

[Melissa Carter]

Right.

[Jeff]

Don't, don't. Down a little bit.

[Melissa Carter]

Right?

[Jeff]

And. Yeah, that's sexy to a guy.

[Melissa Carter]

Well, I'm game over now. I'm assuming, though, that for when, if you had something that you could tell women not to do, I'm sure the list would be a little longer. Just that.

[Jeff]

Yeah. Wear a lot of clothes.

[Burt]

That's it.

[Melissa Carter]

Okay, game over.

[Jessica]

All right, next, so for women to be sexy when you shave your legs, don't miss any spots, because I'm the biggest culprit of it all. When I shave my legs, I always miss, like, my ankles or, like, this spot right behind my knee. And it's skanky when a guy finally gets to that point.

[Jeff]

Okay, let's run with that because, yeah, I've seen that before where a woman has completely shaved her legs, but then right at the thigh, she just stops doing that. Yeah, that's not right. You gotta put it in the lap.

[Melissa Carter]

Now, that's the winter shave, you know, for women. That's just where, you know, if you're wearing pants and only, like, up to your half calf is gonna show in the wintertime, that's, you know, that's all you got to say. That's all you're going to shave. But here, okay, here's the top things not to do for a woman if you want to be sexy. Okay? Number five. We got five of them. All right, Number five, flip your hair excessively. Don't flip your hair.

[Jeff]

I got to be honest with you.

[Melissa Carter]

You like that?

[Jeff]

I do like that. Because somebody told me a long time ago, if you're in a bar, right, and you are talking to a woman and she starts playing with her hair or she starts flipping her hair, that that's a subconscious sign that she's attracted to you. So you can do that as much as you want to me. I mean, make it look like you have a seizure. Give me a sign.

[Burt]

Oh, my God. What's wrong with that girl's neck?

[Melissa Carter]

Well, here's another thing. Scratch your body. Like, don't scratch so much. Yeah, you know, I guess that's a turnout. I guess that's for anybody, though. Scratching like a dog with fleas. I don't think that's sexy.

[Jessica]

What are those? Body mites. Not crabs, but. What are Those body mites that we always talk about them. What are they called, Jeff?

[Jeff]

What is it that you get all the time?

[Melissa Carter]

Yeah, Jeff, the body mites that we.

[Burt]

Talk about all the time.

[Jessica]

We've talked about them before, like scabies or something like that. But they're called something like that.

[Jeff]

I don't know.

[Burt]

Anyway, I don't speak.

[Jeff]

Lindsay. I don't know.

[Melissa Carter]

Yeah, I'm out. Yeah, Jeff, you know, when you start picking at yourself, let us know what you're picking.

[Burt]

Lyme disease. Ticks.

[Jessica]

No, not tick. There are body mites.

[Burt]

Crabs.

[Jessica]

We went over that already, Jeff.

[Melissa Carter]

Okay, moving on. Okay, that's not sexy. Talking about crabs and body minds and ringworm and that kind of thing. Something else. And this, I mean, this should be just understood. Pick your nose or your face.

[Jeff]

Yeah, well, who would do that? I mean, who would.

[Melissa Carter]

Who's gonna pick their nose? I mean, this. I swear this is on my list. Pick your nose. Number three. I think that that is. But maybe there are people out there that pick their nose.

[Jeff]

And it certainly isn't sexy.

[Melissa Carter]

Yeah, that's not sexy.

[Jessica]

Okay.

[Melissa Carter]

Eat food fast and furiously. I assume this is. Well, this could be for guys and women, but if you're trying to turn somebody on and you go to dinner, don't, like, gobble your food in two or three bites.

[Burt]

I'm guilty of this. I'm a way fast eater.

[Jeff]

So am I.

[Burt]

It drives Jessica nuts because I'll be completely done with a meal in like 10 minutes. And then she's still sitting there eating, and I have to explain to her, don't feel bad. I'll sit and be patient. I just eat fast.

[Jeff]

Yeah. Stacy likes the whole event, the whole going to, sitting down, the conversation, you know, chewing on every damn piece 60 or 70 times. And I'm like, this is just to get me to the next meal. Let's move on.

[Melissa Carter]

I have to say that I'm a fan fast eater, too, and not. Lisa's always fussing at me because I'm like, Jeff, I will. I mean, I just will shovel food in and she will take two hours to eat a sandwich.

[Burt]

I think it's. Honestly, I think it's a radio thing, because most people in radio eat fast. Because if you think about it, I mean, if we have a sandwich in here, when do we get to eat it? Either when 4 minutes of commercials are playing or a 4 minute song is playing.

[Jeff]

Get it down.

[Burt]

And you have to. And you just like I. And. And everybody that we know, Jessica and I know that work in Radio are fast talkers and fast eaters.

[Melissa Carter]

I never thought of that. Maybe that's true.

[Jessica]

I don't know that everybody is a fast talker. Okay.

[Jeff]

I think she just launched scud at you.

[Melissa Carter]

Whether it hit or not, I don't know. All right. And the number one thing on my list of things not to do if you want to be sexy is bite your nails.

[Jeff]

Bite your nails. That's gross.

[Melissa Carter]

I have to say that everybody has a thing that they. That is an automatic turn off of somebody, like a physical attribute, you know, or things they look at. And hands are a big thing for me. And I know Lindsay said the same thing that hands are turn on or turn off for me. If you have bad hands, then that is an automatic turn off. And one of the things, if your nails are like just ragged and, you know, look like a mountaintop, where it's just all kinds of, you know, ragged and point and everything where you've been biting the. Yeah, that is just. I think that is so unattractive.

[Jeff]

If the phones weren't working, I would love to ask this question because I mean, for a guy it is so easy. Easy to look at a woman and for a woman to make herself sexy. But I have never really got any concrete answers on what can make a guy physically sexy.

[Burt]

So email us.

[Jeff]

I guess you can email us. Like, what can a guy do? Like, honestly, a woman, if you show your stomach, guys think that's sexy. That's easy to do. Show me some shoulder, that's sexy.

[Burt]

That depends if you got the stomach that's worth showing.

[Jeff]

Right.

[Burt]

But I mean, no one to cover.

[Melissa Carter]

Now, of course I'm, you know, not sexually attracted to men, but I do have to say that one thing that I notice and you know, my straight friends who really notice like the guys that. And it kind of goes the same way. Like if you're built, if you're a guy, like you don't want to show too much. You don't want to do that cut off shirt thing, which is nasty and redneck. But like last night I was at a red chair event. There was this one guy who was actually from David magazine. So give him kudos. He had this black shirt on that was nice fit shirt that showed his definition. But it wasn't too tight, it wasn't too loose. It was just enough to where anyone could take a look at his physique and see that he was really built. I think that is sexy.

[Jessica]

Melissa brings up a great point because it is with guys it's more about just Give us a sneak peek. We don't need to see a mesh shirt per se, you know what I mean? So we can see everything underneath. But if you have a long sleeve, like a button down shirt, wear it without the regardless of your chest hair. Cause chest hair is sexy too. Unless it's like a Busch Gardens growing out of your chest. You know what I mean?

[Jeff]

We've seen that picture.

[Jessica]

Well, but I think more guys, I.

[Burt]

Saw some guy walking through.

[Jeff]

You know what, maybe we should talk about that right now.

[Burt]

I saw some guy walking through Phipps Plaza on Sunday. And I mean, this guy, seriously, if. If a kitten jumped on his chest to take a nap, disappear.

[Jeff]

I got a picture last week. I think, you know, a listener just wanted to send an email and I got an email last week. That is a guy that is laying on his stomach. He's in a hotel room, it looks like, and he is booty naked. Booty naked. And he is the hairiest human being that I have ever seen in my life. And it is so disgusting that I could not look away. It was that bad. And I showed Melissa, I showed Lindsey, I showed Jeff. Is it not the most disgusting picture you've ever seen in your life?

[Burt]

Burned into retinas.

[Melissa Carter]

Yeah, I mean that. Yeah, this poor guy. I mean he's like Velcro.

[Jessica]

Oh. But there's like one spot on this person's back that has no hair.

[Melissa Carter]

See, I'm fascinated by the fact because again, it is a picture where he is naked and that, you know, even, even the cheeks, even his butt cheeks as hairy as his chest and his back. Fascinating. Fascinating.

[Jeff]

I want to share this picture online, but we'd have to put like one of those convenient little red dots over the booty because he does have some junk hanging down and stuff. That's all. It looks like a Chia Pet kinda.

[Melissa Carter]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

But it's the most disgusting picture I've ever seen yet. So intriguing. You can't stop, you can't stop looking at it.

[Jessica]

Picture yourself giving him a back wax and putting those sheets on and just pulling.

[Burt]

Yeah, I don't.

[Melissa Carter]

I just can imagine the, you know, people like the company of Drano or those similar companies making a lot of money off him and whoever's in his household because he clogs the drain every time he takes a shower.

[Jeff]

And some women find that really, really attractive.

[Burt]

No, they don't really.

[Melissa Carter]

Some women and some men find that very, very attractive.

[Jeff]

Yeah, hairier the better.

[Melissa Carter]

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Jessica]

And I can say this with being very decent because it's a 25. They look like down their hairs. You know what I'm talking about?

[Jeff]

Yeah. All over their body, all over everyone. I'd love watching a woman that see if the phone lines are still down.

[Jen Hobby]

If you're a hair woman, call up.

[Jeff]

No, that.

[Jessica]

That.

[Jeff]

You will find women that. That love hairy guys. The hairier the better.

[Jen Hobby]

It's kind of like snuggling with a.

[Burt]

Big teddy bear, I guess.

[Jessica]

Hey, it's a good place. It's a good thing for soaking up crumbs.

[Jeff]

Like, you know, nasty. Yes. See, from inside the studio, it says to us that there are no phone lines lit up right now. Yet when I call, we get a busy signal. So the phone lines are still down. What's that?

[Jessica]

No, no, no. Not that. I wasn't gonna say anything. I was just gonna say that. Hey, everybody has their own thing. Whatever floats your boat.

[Jeff]

You don't like hair on a woman at all? No, I gotta be honest with you. And if I could, I'd shave off every strand of hair I have. I hate hair.

[Jen Hobby]

You are a furry little fan.

[Melissa Carter]

I know. I hate.

[Jeff]

You're like. You know what you are?

[Jen Hobby]

You're our very own little Ewok from Star Wars.

[Jeff]

Jeff calls me a frugal.

[Burt]

Well, you're a frugal. You're a frugal as well. We've been to lunch together. The Birch Show.

[Jessica]

This holiday, Verizon is helping you bundle up incredible gifts and savings.

[Melissa Carter]

You'll get the latest phone with a.

[Jessica]

New line on my plan and a brand new smartwatch and tablet. No trade in needed even on our lowest price plan.

[Melissa Carter]

That's two gifts for your family and one for you. Or two for you and one for someone else.

[Jessica]

Or three gifts for you and only you.

[Melissa Carter]

Either way, you save big on three.

[Jessica]

Amazing gifts at Verizon. All on the best 5G network. Visit Verizon today. Rankings based on rootmetric Truth score report.

[Melissa Carter]

Dated 1 each 2025.

[Jessica]

Your results may vary. Service plan required for watch and tablet. Additional terms apply.

[Jeff]

This is Matt Rogers from Las Culturistas.

[Burt]

With Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang.

[Jeff]

This is Bowen Yang from Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang.

[Jen Hobby]

Hey, Bowen. It's gift season.

[Jeff]

Ugh.

[Burt]

Stressing me out. Why are the people I love so.

[Jeff]

Hard to shop for?

[Jen Hobby]

Probably because they only make boring gift.

[Burt]

Guides that are totally uninspired. Except for the guide we made in.

[Jeff]

Partnership with Marshalls where premium gifts meet incredible value.

[Burt]

It's giving gifts with categories like best.

[Melissa Carter]

Gifts for the mom whose idea of.

[Jeff]

A Sensible walking shoe is a stiletto or best gift. So thoughtful. I really shouldn't have.

[Burt]

Check out the guide on marshalls.com and.

[Jeff]

Gift the good stuff at Marshalls.

[Burt]

Did I talk too much? Can't I just let it go? Thank you so much.

[Jessica]

Take a breath.

[Melissa Carter]

You're not alone. Let's talk about what's going on.

[Jessica]

Counseling helps you sort through the noise with qualified professionals, and online therapy makes it convenient. See if it's for you. Visit betterhelp.com randompodcast for 10% off your first month of online therapy and let life feel better.

[Jeff]

These smear campaigns must be productive because, I mean, in each and every election, I mean, if they weren't productive, then the candidates wouldn't just bash each other the way they do, right? Yeah.

[Melissa Carter]

I mean, people must respond to that because every election, somebody smearing, mudslinging, everybody complains about it. Then the election's over, and then we'll never do this again. And then the next election, everybody smears each other. People complain. I mean, it's just. Yeah, it obviously must get people to the polls or make you remember stuff.

[Burt]

All I got out of it is Mark Taylor's really jealous of Sonny Purdue's land. That's what I see. Boy, he does not. You know how when you look a kid in school got like a new backpack, Everybody talked about it. Mark hasn't stopped talking about Sonny's farm.

[Melissa Carter]

But it definitely plants that seed of doubt in your mind, you know, like, it definitely works. It's definitely. Wait a minute. Is he getting rich off of policy? Wait, wait a second. You know, it definitely makes you think about it.

[Jeff]

Although I do think that most people, the extent of their research on any one of the candidates is probably what they see on television. Sure. You just have to be watching television and one of these commercials come on, you take it for face value, must be fact. So it starts to form your opinion about the candidate.

[Burt]

There's also a good chunk of people who feel obligated to vote, even if they're not educated completely on the. What are they just saying? You know what they think we live in a democracy where everyone is required to vote for every single election. So even if they're not educated, they're like, I'm going to be here. I'm going to vote.

[Jeff]

So just totally setting the country back.

[Burt]

If I was that person, like, I would be scared of that guy. Tommy Irvin doesn't like, and I know nothing about him, but that guy is like fox guarding the hen house. I have no idea. I Mean, it's the Commissioner of Agriculture. I couldn't even tell you what he does like. To me, he's just the most important farmer. Like, I don't know what he.

[Jeff]

What does he have to be angry about?

[Burt]

What policy he administers, what laws he. He advocates or challenges.

[Melissa Carter]

I've never dirty spinach. That's what he has to be worried about.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Burt]

E Cola. I poop on my lettuce.

[Jeff]

That's his concern.

[Melissa Carter]

Right.

[Burt]

All I know is that the guy who's running against Tommy Irvin is not liked by Tommy Irvin. And they have a little animated chicken and a little animated fox. And he's got his faces on the fox. And that's a fox guard in the hen house.

[Jeff]

I'm just curious, if, when you go to the polls today and you see both of their names, would you publicly tell us who you're gonna vote for in that race?

[Burt]

I wouldn't vote in that. If I'm not totally. Not totally. But if I don't at least have an awareness of it, I don't vote. But there's. What I'm saying is I think my parents were. Election day was always a big thing for my parents or whatever. They wouldn't even tell each other who they voted for. They would never tell me. If they did tell me, I was not allowed to discuss it. For some reason in the dollar household, you didn't talk about who you voted for or if you got something new in the house. You didn't tell any of the neighbors. Don't tell any of the neighbors. We got a new TV set.

[Jeff]

We got ourselves total eccentric.

[Burt]

We got a brand new console Zenith. We don't want anybody thinking we're all fancy.

[Jeff]

I really do envision, like your childhood home just having like, stacks of newspapers that you guys had to like, sort of jimmy your way through to get from room to room.

[Burt]

I think it was newspapers.

[Jeff]

Then a random gnome in the corner.

[Burt]

I think it was the boxes of all the stuff that we bought that we weren't allowed to put out to the curb because then the Gasparinis and the Watsons would think that we're fancy.

[Melissa Carter]

I imagine you guys had like those old antique lamps on every table that has like the copper bottom and the lamp goes like this.

[Jeff]

You got the.

[Burt]

We had a lot of wood carved stuff that was mediocre wood carved stuff because my dad imagined himself crafty. So there was a lot of like and a lot of whittled on the front porch. Very symmetrical wood carving type things like bookends that Were exactly identical that he.

[Melissa Carter]

You know, did he display his ball caps? Was he a ball cap guy? Because there's a lot of men who find pride in their ball caps.

[Burt]

Well, listen, not only did he display them.

[Melissa Carter]

Oh, did he put them in plastic?

[Burt]

Nope. He sawed off a broom handle, hung them all end to end, then fastened wires to the broom handle to hang them from the ceiling of the entryway.

[Melissa Carter]

There you go.

[Burt]

I imagine if you want a ball cap, one little twist of the thumb.

[Melissa Carter]

It's almost like they went hunting and they found a ball cap and they're gonna hang it.

[Jeff]

I imagine Jeff's house to look like the house in a Christmas with the leg lamp, all the 196570 furniture in it, Orange lighting.

[Melissa Carter]

Right.

[Burt]

And then my dad, like, has ball caps. Obviously. Working in radio, we're privy to a lot of things like ball caps, T shirts, sweatshirts, promotional items. So I, for a while, would send those to them until I actually became concerned that there would be no room for them in the house. It would just be ball caps and T shirts. And at my 10. What year is it? 06. So 15 years ago, I was the Night Jack at B104 in Syracuse. I think y' all heard some air checks from the sister station, Y94FM, so I got, like, half a dozen B104T shirts. Jim still wears them. All the radio stations since then. All the free stuff since then. Braves things. I think I sent him John Smoltz's uniform, and he still wears a B 104.7.

[Jeff]

Is that right?

[Burt]

That's the most comfortable T shirt. Well, of course it's comfortable. You've been wearing it for 15 years. It's about its thinnest newsprint.

[Jeff]

So that's why we decided to do a smear campaign.

[Burt]

Oh, yeah. So as I was saying, my parents would never tell anyone who they voted for, but they felt obligated to vote in every election. And I think if I was one of those people, then I would probably vote for that Tommy Irvin guy. Absolutely.

[Jeff]

Whoever's doing the most smearing. That's exactly it. Now we'll talk more about, like, your responsibility as a voter or not going if you're not educated as a voter later on today. But as far as right now goes, we put together our smear campaigns for each other, and we all drew names.

[Melissa Carter]

Yeah, we decided that instead of all four of us trying to smear the other three, that'd be too complicated. So we just paired off, and so we drew names, like Bert said. Bert And I are acting as if we're running against each other in some mock election. And then Jen and Jeff are doing the same.

[Jeff]

So these are the commercials that we would be running against each other if we were running against each other in elections on the radio. All right, I'll start off. This was my smear campaign against Melissa Carter. These are the reasons why you do not want to vote for Melissa Carter.

[Jen Hobby]

When going to the polls today. Don't you think Georgia needs a solid leader? A leader that is in touch with our state's present day problem? Melissa Carter is obviously not that leader.

[Melissa Carter]

I'm stuck in the 80s.

[Jen Hobby]

What Georgia needs is a director that respects both men and women equally. Is Melissa Carter this director?

[Melissa Carter]

Women are dumb.

[Jen Hobby]

Georgia needs a compassionate compass to guide our children into a secure future. Is Melissa Carter really our children's future?

[Melissa Carter]

I make children cry.

[Jen Hobby]

How can we be sure of Georgia's future when Melissa Carter isn't even sure of her own future?

[Melissa Carter]

My best childbearing years are leaving me.

[Jen Hobby]

And said, if elected, is Melissa Carter healthy enough to fulfill her commitment to Georgia?

[Melissa Carter]

I don't have enough bile in my poo.

[Jen Hobby]

Melissa Carter. Not now, not ever. Not the right choice paid for by anybody. But Melissa Carter campaign.

[Jeff]

The reason you shouldn't vote for Melissa.

[Melissa Carter]

I'm so worried about that bile issue.

[Jeff]

We're all a little worried about your bile issue. Your turn.

[Melissa Carter]

Yeah, my turn. I mean, similar to Burr, but I actually created the office as if it was the Secretary of Education for Georgia. When it comes to the future of Atlanta, good, solid leadership is what our children need. You want a Secretary of Education for the state of Georgia that is willing to act, but Burt Weiss does not. The A in X stands for achievement. What about Burt Weiss?

[Jeff]

Most people would tell you that they have a child that poops in some random part of their house. For me, it was the garage.

[Melissa Carter]

The C in ACT stands for compassion. What about Burt Weiss?

[Jeff]

I take his hand and I put it into the pumpkin and I put some of the ookie gookie stuff on his hand. He gags and then throws up.

[Melissa Carter]

And the T in ACTS stands for tradition. What about Burt Weiss?

[Jeff]

We're gonna do something a little bit different at our house for Halloween. Not doing candy this year. I'm have a bunch of.

[Melissa Carter]

Do you really want Bert Weiss in charge of educating your children? Think about that when you go to the polls today.

[Jen Hobby]

Paid for by the committee to elect Melissa Carter Secretary of Education.

[Jeff]

All right, in our second election, it is Jen Hobby against Jeff Dolls Chen.

[Melissa Carter]

Well, I didn't have Big Voice Guy do mine. Now I feel all left out. I should have had him at least voice a disclaimer. But here is my smear campaign against Jeff Dollar who is running for some sort of political office.

[Burt]

Yeah, I just made mine generic too.

[Jeff]

Just a random political office.

[Melissa Carter]

Can you trust a candidate with an admitted addiction? Can you trust a candidate who pays more attention to his first love than his wife? Can you really trust a candidate for for political office who cannot complete or focus on one conversation without interruption? If you answered no to any of these questions, then you cannot trust nor vote for Jeff$. Jeff's admitted addiction to his BlackBerry is his first priority, shirking his responsibility to his wife as his first love, making him unable to complete a conversation without looking away to use his quick thumbs. How can he ever reach out to the public without ever actually having a conversation, talking on the phone or giving an actual speech? If you can handle a text only relationship with your political leader, but don't expect Anything more from Jeff$. A CrackBerry is and always will be number one on the Jeffy do list.

[Jeff]

You could have used Jessica also because she came in here one day complaining about it also. So even your own family is turning.

[Burt]

Against you against like the Mary Perdue campaign.

[Jeff]

So yours is against Jen and it is no particular campaign officer.

[Burt]

I didn't really make an office. It's just kind of generic. It's a state office. And you know, we forgot is they all have to start with I'm Jeff Dollar and I approve this message.

[Melissa Carter]

I want someone that knows success and knows victory.

[Jeff]

I want someone who is going to.

[Tyra Banks]

Be thinking of me and my needs.

[Jessica]

I want someone who understands what responsibility really means.

[Burt]

I don't want Jim Hobby.

[Jen Hobby]

Jen Hobby doesn't know what it means to succeed. She doesn't know victory. Her myriad of Blue Devils only have four wins in the season since her involvement. It's sad and pathetic. Nobody wants her curse brought upon this whole state. Genhavi doesn't think of your needs. She only thinks of herself. I want to have babies, she cries. I don't want anyone to be mad at me, she declares. What if we want to be mad at her? Then that should be our right. An independent auditor has proven that even though she says she wants us to save money buying jewelry, she really doesn't care. Jen Hobby doesn't know how to be responsible. She killed her Tamagotchi pet after only five days and lost it for 12 hours during that time. She's a drunk and sexual deviant. Her Jenny do list consists of movie stars and athletes. Her lifestyle is not conducive to a feeling of family.

[Jeff]

I remember hearing her cuss in front of a whole group of Burt's Big Adventure kids. It was really, really bad. Ever since then, I knew I didn't.

[Jessica]

Want Jen Hobby representing me anywhere.

[Jen Hobby]

Don't learn the hard way what those that know her already know. On election day, let your voice be heard.

[Burt]

I don't want Gin Hobby paid for.

[Jen Hobby]

By citizens of every city except Hobbyville.

[Jeff]

Very good. And all the facts in there are absolutely accurate too. The cussing in front of the VBA kids accurate.

[Melissa Carter]

I don't know about the sexual deviant part though. Come on now.

[Burt]

You cut your underwear off with scissors yesterday.

[Jeff]

Good smear campaign.

[Melissa Carter]

I think that makes you a little deviant.

[Jeff]

Good smear campaign. Just twist the facts a little bit. I don't know. The Birch show.

[Jessica]

This holiday, Verizon is helping you bundle up incredible gifts and savings.

[Melissa Carter]

You'll get the latest phone with a new line on my plan and a.

[Jessica]

Brand new smartwatch and tablet. No trade in needed even on our lowest price plan.

[Melissa Carter]

That's two gifts for your family and one for you. Or two for you and one for someone else. Or three gifts for you and only you. Either way, you save big on three.

[Jessica]

Amazing gifts at Verizon. All on the best 5G network. Visit Verizon today. Rankings based on root metric truth score report dated 1 each 2025. Your results may vary. Service plan required for watch and tablet. Additional terms apply. If you're a smoker or vaper ready to make a change, you really only need one good reason. But with Zyn Nicotine Pouches, you'll discover many good reasons. Zynn is America's number one nicotine pouch brand. Plus, Zynn offers a robust rewards program. There are lots of options when it.

[Tyra Banks]

Comes to nicotine satisfaction. But there's only one Zyn.

[Jessica]

Check out Zyn.com find to find Zyn at a store near you.

[Tyra Banks]

This product contains nicotine.

[Melissa Carter]

Nicotine is an addictive chemical dashing through the store.

[Jeff]

Dave's looking for a gift.

[Melissa Carter]

One you can't ignore. But not the socks he picked.

[Jeff]

I know. I'm putting them back.

[Jessica]

Hey, Dave, here's a tip.

[Jeff]

Put scratchers on your list.

[Jen Hobby]

Oh, scratchers.

[Jeff]

Good idea.

[Burt]

It's an easy shopping trip.

[Melissa Carter]

We're glad we could assist.

[Jeff]

Thanks, random singing people.

[Tyra Banks]

So be like Dave this holiday and.

[Melissa Carter]

Give the gift of play.

[Burt]

Scratchers from the California Lottery.

[Jeff]

A little play can make your day. Please play responsibly must be 18 years or older to purchase player claim.