The Bert Show

Full Show PT 2: Monday, February 2 [Vault]

Aired: February 2, 2026
Hosts: Bert, Angie, Donna, Elliot
Guests/Callers: Listeners Judy, Jennifer, Susan, Ashley, others

Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives into real-life listener drama, focusing on infidelity, the search for absolute truth, and living secret double lives. The hosts interact with callers navigating complicated relationships—especially around trust issues, lie detectors, and confronting hidden aspects of loved ones' lives. The show also turns lighthearted, reminiscing about “Picture Day” at school and the trend of airbrushing kids’ photos, before returning to secrets and double lives inspired by public scandals. The tone is frank, supportive, teasing, and at times, irreverently funny.

Key Segments and Insights

1. Infidelity, Lies, and the Lie Detector (00:07–13:44)

Caller Judy's Story: Suspicions and Heartbreak (00:07–13:36)

• Backdrop: Judy suspects her husband of infidelity during frequent work travels. She discovered flirty emails, strip club receipts, and calls to escort services across several cities.
• Judy’s Motivations: Despite amassed evidence, Judy hopes a lie detector could confirm her husband’s claims of innocence, providing her with “100% truth” to move forward in the marriage.
• Hosts’ Advice & Reactions:
  • Bert questions the necessity of further proof given overwhelming evidence:
    “Why do you need the lie detector?” (07:02)
  • Donna challenges Judy about her intended actions:
    “Do you have any shred of hope that he's…” (07:07)
  • Elliot emotionally supports her but is skeptical about polygraph reliability and the possibility of moving forward without trust.
  • The hosts probe practical details (e.g., kids, counseling, readiness to leave).
• Listener Call-In: Jennifer, echoing Judy’s situation, warns against ignoring evidence and seeking futile reassurance:
  • “You don’t need a lie detector…all you’re doing is causing yourself heartache. Don’t do it. I mean, I’m miserable now.” (09:40)
• Reflection on Marriage: The tension between heart and facts recurs; the hosts empathize with Judy’s reluctance to leave, knowing many remain in troubled relationships for complex reasons.

Quotes:

• "The worst thing that can happen is if he passes the lie detector... because he's obviously doing it right." – Angie (13:44)
• “I just want the 100% truth.” – Judy (12:47)

2. School Picture Day and Photo Retouching (15:13–26:47)

School Nostalgia and Parental Pressure (15:13–24:38)

• The hosts reminisce about the pressures and small traumas of Picture Day, sharing funny and embarrassing personal stories (bad haircuts, lost teeth, awkward poses).
  • “I looked like a poodle…layer, layer, layer, layer, layer.” – Donna (15:51)
• A current eighth-grader calls in, highlighting continued anxiety over looking perfect for photos (19:41–20:20).
• Hosts joke about school photos being a form of trading cards among family members.

The Trend of Airbrushing Kids’ Photos (24:07–26:47)

• Bert references a Newsweek article on how 50% of Philadelphia-area parents now pay for photo retouching—even for young kids:
  • “Parents are signing up their children at younger and younger ages [for retouching].” – Bert (23:15)
• A first-grade teacher shares that 14 of 15 parents requested teeth added, freckles removed, or even “back fat” erased from their kids' photos:
  • “Their kids are six! Let them have a tooth missing.” – Lynn, caller (26:34)
• The hosts debate the value of imperfections and express concern over body image pressure at an early age.
• Tone is a mix of nostalgia, satire, and exasperation over “perfection culture.”

Memorable Interactions:

• “They don’t need to have veneers in the first grade.” – Donna (26:44)
• “Hey, mom and dad, why don’t you put your little pig on a treadmill?” – Angie (26:48) [sarcastic jab at parental vanity]

3. Living Secret Lives: Inspired by Elliot Spitzer Scandal (27:00–37:11)

Discussion: How Well Do You Know Your Loved Ones? (27:00–29:46)

• The conversation pivots to double lives, using the Governor Spitzer call girl scandal as a springboard.
• "Who has the tougher phone call? Spitzer talking to his wife or the escort talking to her dad?" – Angie (28:43)
• Donna suggests partners (even spouses) often know more than they admit:
  “Women know more than you think.” (29:37)

Listener Confessions: Secret Lives (30:26–36:46)

1. Closeted Sexual Orientation (Melissa, “Susan”) (30:26–32:24)

• Caller is a lesbian but has not come out to her conservative grandparents:
  • “I just figured living a secret life is just the better thing to do.” (31:24)
• Elliot empathizes, noting many family members recognize patterns, regardless of open acknowledgement.

2. Married Man Living a Gay Double Life (Ashley) (32:28–33:52)

• Caller just learned her husband of six years was hiding a gay affair.
  • “You must be looking at him like, I never knew this man right now.” – Bert (32:53)
• Surprise and heartbreak evident; she found out only after stumbling on evidence.

3. Babysitter-turned-Stripper (Jennifer) (34:23–36:46)

• Caller babysits for a couple; the wife works at a strip club. The couple, open-minded/swingers, invites her to learn stripping, unknown to her boyfriend or family.
  • “He’s training me so I can get a job at the other place.” (35:27)
• Hosts are both amazed and amused, with the segment highlighting the unpredictability of people’s private lives.

Quotes:

• “Sometimes I don’t think we can ever be surprised on our show. And then we get surprised. I love it.” – Donna (36:55)
• “Every day brings a new adventure to the Bert Show.” – Bert (37:11)

Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• On Cheating and Denial:
  “Do you have any shred of hope that he's…” – Donna (07:07)
• On Parental Over-Achievement:
  “Let them have their back fat… they don’t need to have veneers in first grade.” – Angie (26:43)
• On Seeking Truth vs. Justification:
  “Why do you need the lie detector?” – Bert (07:02)
• Listener Experience:
  “You don’t need a lie detector…all you’re doing is causing yourself heartache.” – Jennifer, caller (09:40)
• On Airbrushing Culture:
  “The rise in airbrushing is a byproduct of a culture consumed with the idea that the body is perfectible.” – Bert (23:15)
• On Hidden Double Lives:
  “I just figured living a secret life is just the better thing to do.” – Susan (31:24)
• On Being Surprised:
  “Sometimes I don’t think we can ever be surprised on our show. And then we get surprised. I love it.” – Donna (36:55)

Segment Timestamps (MM:SS)

• 00:07–13:44 – Infidelity, Judy's Story, and the Lie Detector Debate
• 15:13–26:47 – Picture Day School Memories & Photo Retouching Debate
• 27:00–29:46 – Secrets and the Spitzer Scandal; Double Life Intro
• 30:26–36:46 – Listener Stories: Living in the Closet, Hidden Affairs, Babysitter Stripping
• 36:58–37:11 – Show Reflection and Closing Banter

Tone and Style

The tone is candid, empathic, sometimes raw and irreverent, reflective of a morning-show feel where hosts blend genuine concern (especially on delicate family/relationship matters) with pithy humor and lively group banter. Call-in participation is central, highlighting both the bizarre and the all-too-relatable struggles of listeners.

Summary Takeaway

This episode showcases The Bert Show’s signature style: blending real listener drama with sly wit and a supportive, if sometimes teasing, touch. Whether parsing the emotional fallout of infidelity, poking fun at school photo rituals, or revealing the wild inner workings of people's lives, the hosts provide a community for listeners seeking empathy, humor, connection, and a break from their own worries.