Full Show PT 2: Monday, February 2 [Vault]

Summary

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The Bert Show

Full Show PT 2: Monday, February 2 [Vault]

Aired: February 2, 2026
Hosts: Bert, Angie, Donna, Elliot
Guests/Callers: Listeners Judy, Jennifer, Susan, Ashley, others

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Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives into real-life listener drama, focusing on infidelity, the search for absolute truth, and living secret double lives. The hosts interact with callers navigating complicated relationships—especially around trust issues, lie detectors, and confronting hidden aspects of loved ones' lives. The show also turns lighthearted, reminiscing about “Picture Day” at school and the trend of airbrushing kids’ photos, before returning to secrets and double lives inspired by public scandals. The tone is frank, supportive, teasing, and at times, irreverently funny.

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Key Segments and Insights

1. Infidelity, Lies, and the Lie Detector (00:07–13:44)

Caller Judy's Story: Suspicions and Heartbreak (00:07–13:36)

• Backdrop: Judy suspects her husband of infidelity during frequent work travels. She discovered flirty emails, strip club receipts, and calls to escort services across several cities.
• Judy’s Motivations: Despite amassed evidence, Judy hopes a lie detector could confirm her husband’s claims of innocence, providing her with “100% truth” to move forward in the marriage.
• Hosts’ Advice & Reactions:
  • Bert questions the necessity of further proof given overwhelming evidence:
    “Why do you need the lie detector?” (07:02)
  • Donna challenges Judy about her intended actions:
    “Do you have any shred of hope that he's…” (07:07)
  • Elliot emotionally supports her but is skeptical about polygraph reliability and the possibility of moving forward without trust.
  • The hosts probe practical details (e.g., kids, counseling, readiness to leave).
• Listener Call-In: Jennifer, echoing Judy’s situation, warns against ignoring evidence and seeking futile reassurance:
  • “You don’t need a lie detector…all you’re doing is causing yourself heartache. Don’t do it. I mean, I’m miserable now.” (09:40)
• Reflection on Marriage: The tension between heart and facts recurs; the hosts empathize with Judy’s reluctance to leave, knowing many remain in troubled relationships for complex reasons.

Quotes:

• "The worst thing that can happen is if he passes the lie detector... because he's obviously doing it right." – Angie (13:44)
• “I just want the 100% truth.” – Judy (12:47)

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2. School Picture Day and Photo Retouching (15:13–26:47)

School Nostalgia and Parental Pressure (15:13–24:38)

• The hosts reminisce about the pressures and small traumas of Picture Day, sharing funny and embarrassing personal stories (bad haircuts, lost teeth, awkward poses).
  • “I looked like a poodle…layer, layer, layer, layer, layer.” – Donna (15:51)
• A current eighth-grader calls in, highlighting continued anxiety over looking perfect for photos (19:41–20:20).
• Hosts joke about school photos being a form of trading cards among family members.

The Trend of Airbrushing Kids’ Photos (24:07–26:47)

• Bert references a Newsweek article on how 50% of Philadelphia-area parents now pay for photo retouching—even for young kids:
  • “Parents are signing up their children at younger and younger ages [for retouching].” – Bert (23:15)
• A first-grade teacher shares that 14 of 15 parents requested teeth added, freckles removed, or even “back fat” erased from their kids' photos:
  • “Their kids are six! Let them have a tooth missing.” – Lynn, caller (26:34)
• The hosts debate the value of imperfections and express concern over body image pressure at an early age.
• Tone is a mix of nostalgia, satire, and exasperation over “perfection culture.”

Memorable Interactions:

• “They don’t need to have veneers in the first grade.” – Donna (26:44)
• “Hey, mom and dad, why don’t you put your little pig on a treadmill?” – Angie (26:48) [sarcastic jab at parental vanity]

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3. Living Secret Lives: Inspired by Elliot Spitzer Scandal (27:00–37:11)

Discussion: How Well Do You Know Your Loved Ones? (27:00–29:46)

• The conversation pivots to double lives, using the Governor Spitzer call girl scandal as a springboard.
• "Who has the tougher phone call? Spitzer talking to his wife or the escort talking to her dad?" – Angie (28:43)
• Donna suggests partners (even spouses) often know more than they admit:
  “Women know more than you think.” (29:37)

Listener Confessions: Secret Lives (30:26–36:46)

1. Closeted Sexual Orientation (Melissa, “Susan”) (30:26–32:24)

• Caller is a lesbian but has not come out to her conservative grandparents:
  • “I just figured living a secret life is just the better thing to do.” (31:24)
• Elliot empathizes, noting many family members recognize patterns, regardless of open acknowledgement.

2. Married Man Living a Gay Double Life (Ashley) (32:28–33:52)

• Caller just learned her husband of six years was hiding a gay affair.
  • “You must be looking at him like, I never knew this man right now.” – Bert (32:53)
• Surprise and heartbreak evident; she found out only after stumbling on evidence.

3. Babysitter-turned-Stripper (Jennifer) (34:23–36:46)

• Caller babysits for a couple; the wife works at a strip club. The couple, open-minded/swingers, invites her to learn stripping, unknown to her boyfriend or family.
  • “He’s training me so I can get a job at the other place.” (35:27)
• Hosts are both amazed and amused, with the segment highlighting the unpredictability of people’s private lives.

Quotes:

• “Sometimes I don’t think we can ever be surprised on our show. And then we get surprised. I love it.” – Donna (36:55)
• “Every day brings a new adventure to the Bert Show.” – Bert (37:11)

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Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• On Cheating and Denial:
  “Do you have any shred of hope that he's…” – Donna (07:07)
• On Parental Over-Achievement:
  “Let them have their back fat… they don’t need to have veneers in first grade.” – Angie (26:43)
• On Seeking Truth vs. Justification:
  “Why do you need the lie detector?” – Bert (07:02)
• Listener Experience:
  “You don’t need a lie detector…all you’re doing is causing yourself heartache.” – Jennifer, caller (09:40)
• On Airbrushing Culture:
  “The rise in airbrushing is a byproduct of a culture consumed with the idea that the body is perfectible.” – Bert (23:15)
• On Hidden Double Lives:
  “I just figured living a secret life is just the better thing to do.” – Susan (31:24)
• On Being Surprised:
  “Sometimes I don’t think we can ever be surprised on our show. And then we get surprised. I love it.” – Donna (36:55)

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Segment Timestamps (MM:SS)

• 00:07–13:44 – Infidelity, Judy's Story, and the Lie Detector Debate
• 15:13–26:47 – Picture Day School Memories & Photo Retouching Debate
• 27:00–29:46 – Secrets and the Spitzer Scandal; Double Life Intro
• 30:26–36:46 – Listener Stories: Living in the Closet, Hidden Affairs, Babysitter Stripping
• 36:58–37:11 – Show Reflection and Closing Banter

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Tone and Style

The tone is candid, empathic, sometimes raw and irreverent, reflective of a morning-show feel where hosts blend genuine concern (especially on delicate family/relationship matters) with pithy humor and lively group banter. Call-in participation is central, highlighting both the bizarre and the all-too-relatable struggles of listeners.

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Summary Takeaway

This episode showcases The Bert Show’s signature style: blending real listener drama with sly wit and a supportive, if sometimes teasing, touch. Whether parsing the emotional fallout of infidelity, poking fun at school photo rituals, or revealing the wild inner workings of people's lives, the hosts provide a community for listeners seeking empathy, humor, connection, and a break from their own worries.

Transcript

[Angie]

The Bird Show.

[Bert]

Hey, Judy, you're on Q100.

[Caller]

Good morning.

[Bert]

Good morning. How are you?

[Caller]

Good. How are you this morning?

[Bert]

All right, so you wanna. You want to fire up the lie detector?

[Caller]

I do, I do. I have found out some things recently about my husband that I'm not too happy about and, you know, confronted him about him. And of course, he didn't do anything wrong and hasn't done it. And so I want to put him on the lie detector test and see if I can find out the truth.

[Bert]

Okay. How long have you been married?

[Caller]

We've been married for three and a half years now.

[Bert]

Three and a half years. All right, what have you found and when did you start finding it?

[Caller]

Well, about three weeks ago. He travels for his work every week. And about three weeks ago, there are two particular nights that he didn't answer his phone. And so then I decided, well, I'm just going to check his email. So I checked his email, and in his email, I had found some emails that he had sent to a woman that were very flirty. One of them said, hey, you know, call me. Gave a cell phone number. The other one said, call the woman sexy, and said, we should get together sometime. So I confronted him about those, and he said, oh, it must have been his friend on his computer playing around. Okay, all right, you know, keep looking, keep looking.

[Donna]

Did you believe that?

[Caller]

No.

[Bert]

Did you call him out on it? Did you say, you're gonna have to do better than that?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Just to respect our marriage and to respect me as a woman and my intelligence. What else do you have?

[Caller]

Absolutely. Absolutely. And, you know, he stuck to a story. He got home, we talked about it some more, and I started digging some more. Found some receipts for strip clubs.

[Elliot]

Okay.

[Caller]

Okay. Admitted he had gone to the strip clubs. Didn't tell me. Had no clue. So he's going to strip clubs when he's out of town with his friend that he works with.

[Bert]

Okay, let me stop you there for a second, because I have this theory about strip clubs that just being at the strip club itself, that's not incriminating. The time that you're at the strip club may say more about the person than the actual strip club appearance. Like, if you're at. If. If the receipt is for 1:30 in the morning on a Friday or Saturday night, acceptable. If it's for 11:30 or noon during the week, then you might have a problem.

[Elliot]

Right.

[Bert]

So did you check the time?

[Caller]

No, I don't know the time. I don't know when it was, and I don't know. Not what night it was either.

[Donna]

I would also say check the tab. Like, how much has been charged and if you were there alone or with a group of people. Because to me, a group of guys going to a strip club, all having a good time, whatever.

[Elliot]

Yeah.

[Donna]

You're going by yourself for a long, extended period of time, starting at noon.

[Bert]

Problems?

[Angie]

What is the acceptable. A small sidebar that might pertain to her research as she does it. Bert, what's the acceptable number of people to go to a strip club? Because I almost think it's as weird to go with one other guy.

[Bert]

I was going to say three, which.

[Angie]

Is to go alone.

[Donna]

This would be a group.

[Angie]

Like, if I said to Bert, hey, you want to have lunch today? Let's get on to. Let's get on. What is it? Aluva, Cheetah? Aluve.

[Bert]

Is that the name of the restaurant?

[Angie]

Let's go down to Aluva, just you and I. That's weird.

[Bert]

I think so, yeah. This. It would have to be at least three of us.

[Caller]

Yeah, that's what he's doing. He's going with one of the people that he travels with.

[Angie]

That's weird.

[Caller]

However, one of the times that he went, he went with that man and the man's wife.

[Elliot]

On the wife. Okay.

[Caller]

Keep in mind, he's never taken me to a strip club.

[Angie]

I declare shenanigans.

[Donna]

Well, let me.

[Elliot]

Well, let me also ask a question. So he. He travels with this guy, and the guy's wife was on the business trip, too?

[Caller]

Correct.

[Elliot]

And he doesn't take you on the business trip. Okay.

[Bert]

Okay, so we got history here. Now, strip clubs. We got you going online. Him. Him using language that he should probably only be using on you, but he had a good excuse. In that case. What else?

[Caller]

Well, I kept digging, started going through the phone record, and started finding some weird numbers at, you know, at night. And of course, you know, I'm here at home. He's traveling. He calls me, tells me good night. He loves me. And looking at the phone records, well, he wasn't going to bed. He was calling some local numbers. I started calling the local numbers, and there were escort services. And I have found escort services in three different cities that he has visited that he called.

[Bert]

And when you confronted him on that.

[Caller]

He said, well, the first one I found there was probably about 10 different escort services in one night. Me and my friend were playing. We were seeing who could get to keep this deal.

[Bert]

Your husband has quite a sense of humor.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Elliot]

Is your husband scamming them all? Yeah. Is your husband 16?

[Bert]

Right.

[Angie]

I gotta be honest with you. Like, it's weird to comparison shop that much.

[Caller]

Oh, yeah.

[Angie]

I was like 10 phone calls.

[Bert]

I've never shopped around for that kind of thing. I bet you could just. We could get it all hooked up with Clark Howard. He knows, right?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Right.

[Angie]

I just go to his website.

[Bert]

I'm sure he would know he's got the cheapest escort, but I just, I find.

[Elliot]

Is that something you want to skimp on, though?

[Angie]

That's what I'm saying. Like I can understand. Like I can understand making maybe one or two phone calls.

[Elliot]

I don't want the generic brand.

[Angie]

Yeah. To make sure that you're not, you know, like if you call the first one, they're like, what, $1,000 an hour? Like, you might call this.

[Caller]

You can find them anywhere between 250 and 500 an hour.

[Angie]

Right. And then you make one more phone call to make sure that the first one wasn't like way crazy. But then when you're on phone call number seven, like, what are you getting? So you get some one legged person coming in there who may or may not have a penis.

[Elliot]

So you asked, or you. When you.

[Bert]

This is more than one city. She said, yeah.

[Elliot]

So you call and you got all this information from all these escort services.

[Caller]

Well, of course, the escort services aren't too friendly to me. They don't want to talk to me.

[Bert]

Sure.

[Caller]

When I call, I just know that their escort services. And of course, when you reverse look at the phone number on the Internet, it tells you, you know, nine times out of 10, the name of the escort service.

[Bert]

I wonder.

[Angie]

It would be fascinating to talk to the people who answer the phone at those escort services. And how many calls they get from women that they know are fishing around.

[Caller]

I don't know. But they start not to speak English.

[Bert]

Is that right? Like, midway through the conversation.

[Angie]

I freaking hate that.

[Bert]

So how. How many cities are we talking about here right now?

[Caller]

I have three.

[Bert]

Three different cities. And he claims that he goes to three different cities with the same guy and they. This is their inside joke, that every time they're in a new city, they just call escort services.

[Caller]

No, he said he only did that in one city. The other two cities, he was just.

[Angie]

Bored, I gotta be honest with you.

[Donna]

What are you doing? Like, I'm just sitting here listening to all this stacking up. Like, what? I mean, what.

[Bert]

Why do you need the lie detector?

[Donna]

What are you doing? I mean, you know, right.

[Bert]

In a case like this, do you.

[Donna]

Have any shred of hope that he's.

[Caller]

I do. I have that shred of hope. I love my husband and I just. I want him to be telling the truth and for him just to say, okay, well, I wasn't. I didn't feel like you loved me, so I was playing around, but I never did anything. That's what I'm looking for.

[Bert]

And would you believe that story.

[Angie]

If.

[Caller]

On a lie detector test?

[Angie]

Yeah, I was gonna say if he.

[Caller]

Passed the lie detector, but right now, no. I'm having a real hard time with it.

[Elliot]

I bet. Now his. So his job, is it pretty prominent job where he's traveling? Because there's a part of me that. I mean, if you really want to make this work, things have to change. You really think?

[Caller]

And they have. And he has quit traveling because I told him that ain't gonna work like that. But, you know, here I am, I'm trying to move forward and get over it, but I've become obsessed with checking on what he's doing.

[Angie]

How long ago was the last trip where you found this stuff?

[Caller]

About three weeks ago.

[Angie]

Oh, so he's quit traveling?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Elliot]

Since then.

[Angie]

Since then.

[Caller]

Correct.

[Bert]

Like when a case like this is so obvious to the rest of us. What we'd like to do is ask you if a friend of yours was coming to you with the exact same examples that you're giving today, the same facts, what would you say to your friend?

[Caller]

I tell my friend to get the hell out. Okay, he's crazy. If she believed him, that's exactly what I'd say.

[Bert]

But you want 100% proof. Well, she's a lie detector.

[Caller]

He's never lied to me before. Never.

[Bert]

Yes, he has.

[Elliot]

That, you know.

[Caller]

Of course, Until I found out these past three weeks. So we're looking at a three and a half year history of no lying.

[Angie]

No lying that you've caught.

[Bert]

Let's just stick to what we know.

[Angie]

I'm just saying.

[Donna]

Do you guys have kids?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Donna]

How many?

[Caller]

We have one child together. We have a two year old together. And we have two other. Or I have two other children.

[Angie]

All right.

[Bert]

Hey, Jennifer, you're on Q100. Good morning.

[Caller]

Hey, I just have the biggest piece of advice I just went through this past weekend. I'm engaged to someone. I'm 10 weeks pregnant. And the same thing started happening to me. Phone calls and things like that. Being sneaky. He didn't want me to see his phone. And he's the most upstanding guy in our community. Sheriff's deputy. He's great, wonderful. And he Lies. No, nothing's going on. You don't trust me. Sweetheart, you have all the evidence in front of you. Don't do like I did. I'm now having a child with him, and he's gone. He flat out is making excuses for everything, and I've caught him for everything he's done. You don't need a lie detector to take the advice that you gave your friend because all you're doing is causing yourself heartache. Don't do it. I mean, I'm miserable now.

[Donna]

I'm sorry.

[Elliot]

Is it because the kids, Judy?

[Caller]

Well, you know what? I love him. My kids love him. He's a wonderful dad. He's a wonderful stepdad. I mean, he's amazing. In every other aspect of our life, he's amazing.

[Bert]

Does he know that you want to put him on a lie detector?

[Caller]

Yes. Well, we've discussed it. We have started going to marriage counseling. And, you know, the counselor said, whatever she needs you to do to prove you need to do it. A lie detector was mentioned, and he said that he wasn't really crazy about it. He did not want to do one. He wanted me to do research online detectors and find out how accurate they were. And he's not crazy about it. So I don't know if he'll do it or not.

[Bert]

Well, I mean, I can certainly call him today and try. I don't know if you want to warn him that it's coming or it's not. And then after you get the results, you guys can debate, you know, the accuracy of the results and stuff like that, but according to this website, it's pretty accurate. It's really accurate.

[Angie]

And they'll give you percentages, like, net. It's a number thing, too. It's not like, oh, maybe he is, or maybe he isn't. Like, it'll say 90% dishonest or 90% honest.

[Caller]

Right.

[Angie]

I'm sure he is.

[Bert]

So if you. If you want me to make the call today, I'll make it. You sure?

[Caller]

I mean, there's. There's nothing. There's nothing to lose at this point. I just.

[Elliot]

Well, I think, you know, my. The thought that's going through my mind is the only way marriage counseling is going to work is everybody's honest in that session.

[Caller]

Correct. Right. And that's my thing. I want to know the truth.

[Bert]

But I think you already know what the results are gonna be. I don't think it's gonna be shocking. I'd be more shocked. Wouldn't you be more shocked if he passed?

[Caller]

I Would.

[Bert]

Yeah. In a case like this, for sure I would.

[Donna]

I just think you have to figure out what you're gonna do with the news regardless. Like, are you gonna stay anyway and figure it out, which a lot of women do.

[Caller]

Right.

[Donna]

Or are you going to completely walk out the door if you find out that he's not been telling you the truth? Because I think you know what the answer's gonna be. You just have to decide what that means for you.

[Caller]

Right. Exactly.

[Donna]

You know, and what that means for your kids and all that kind of stuff. Because that changes things.

[Bert]

You know, I'm assuming like your self defense mechanism has already kicked in. Like, I'm assuming that you've played this out in your mind already, that you having to split up assets, you having to take the children somewhere else, because in your mind, you know the dude is lying to you. So at some point you must have played the scenario in your head.

[Caller]

Absolutely.

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Absolutely. I thought about, okay, even if I get the truth, you know, can we work it out? Can we fix it?

[Donna]

That's what you have to decide.

[Caller]

I don't.

[Donna]

Before you find out the concrete.

[Caller]

Right.

[Donna]

Evidence, you know?

[Caller]

Right. I just want the 100% truth.

[Elliot]

I mean, it's just so. Yeah. So sorry. It's just the lying is not worth it. The going behind the bag's not worth it. I mean.

[Caller]

Right. I think I found out. It's so much. You know, it's like if I took him to court, as our counselor said, I could probably convict him from what I have right now. But she says his story is not going to change. That's obvious.

[Bert]

Okay, let me put you on hold and I'll give him a call later on. Maybe I'll call you first and just get some more details and I'll call him later on today and I'll let him know he's on the. The lie detector. I don't know if you want to warn him or not, but he'll know. And I'll tell him it's gonna be played on the radio also. I have to do that legally. And then I'll ask him a whole bunch of questions and we'll see how he does.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Bert]

And like I said, in a case like this, I think we'll all be shocked if it comes out like he's not lying at all.

[Caller]

Right.

[Bert]

I. Hold on. Okay.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Bert]

All right. Bye.

[Caller]

Bye.

[Bert]

Yeah. I don't even know why she needs it.

[Angie]

She just needs 100% certainty. The worst thing that can happen is if we. If he's not lying. At all if it comes up. If he's able to lie his way through the lie detector, it's the worst possible thing that can happen because he's obviously doing it right.

[Bert]

And if he somehow passes, then she'll always be reluctant.

[Angie]

She'll be like, oh, well, Lie detector.

[Elliot]

Said, well, I mean, anybody in this room. I mean, when you're in love with somebody, you give them. You will give them far more leeway. It's easiest for us to say, whatever, but she's got three children in this relationship and is still in love with him. But what I think is Cheetah has not even stomached is the fact that he's been doing this to her probably for three years.

[Donna]

Well, I don't think she's leaving. That's why I kept pressing her on that. I don't think she's leaving. Even if she does find out, because she's already saying, he's an amazing dad, he's an amazing stepdad. He's amazing in every other part of our life. I think she's gonna swallow it and move on anyway. So why then get the solid proof? I mean, I don't wanna ruin our lie detector radio bitch. I agree with you, but why even go through with all, not hold onto that shred of hope if you're gonna stay anyway? Once you have the concrete proof, she.

[Elliot]

Can, because she will always check the email, always check the phone, call that staying there. And you never do. Women, you never do.

[Bert]

Well, I'll call her one last time today and just go. You sure you want to do this? I think it's gonna give you. I mean, we'll try it if you want, but we'll see the bird show. All right, let's go back to elementary school here for just a couple of seconds here. Or even, like, kindergarten or pre K. Right. There was something really special about Picture Day.

[Angie]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Remember that?

[Donna]

Yeah. You had to make sure that you had your whole outfit picked out. It was gonna be the right shirt, and you got to leave class to go take your picture, which. That was always fun.

[Bert]

Yeah. I mean, and your parents used to put pressure on you back in the day to look good. I mean, that is gonna be your legacy from kindergarten or whatever. There's way more pressure now for kids with this photo, and we'll tell you why in a second. You remember Picture Day because it was only a couple years ago for you.

[Donna]

Oh, I had a horrible experience on.

[Caller]

Picture Day in eighth grade.

[Donna]

I went and got my hair cut.

[Caller]

Before Picture Day because that's what you do.

[Donna]

And I told this lady I wanted layers in my hair and she thought layers meant starting at the top of your head.

[Elliot]

So I look like a poodle because.

[Donna]

The layers started as bangs all the way down my face.

[Caller]

I wish you could see my hand motions.

[Donna]

But it was layer, layer, layer, layer, layer. I looked like a freaking poodle. So I had to pull my hair back in a clip for my eighth grade picture. It was miserable. And that's when it's so important too to a girl in the eighth grade. I don't think that there's a whole lot more important than your hair and your social standing.

[Bert]

Right.

[Donna]

So that is horrifying. Scarred for life. I'm not even kidding. Scarred.

[Bert]

Yeah. It's one thing in the eighth grade when you're like self conscious about it, but when you get down to like the pre K or kindergarten or elementary school, you don't care. I mean you're showing up, you're getting your picture.

[Angie]

Well then it's about your. Then it's about your mom and dad, which is what you're going to talk about with this thing. It's about mom and dad making sure in second grade because they're going to be giving. That's when you get one five by seven for you and 400 for grandma and grandpa. One for other grandma and grandpa. And then like a deck of card size thing of wallet pictures and you're handing them out to people on the streets. Like when you go to Vegas and they're giving you the hooker things. Same thing. Your parents are on the streets with the little five little wallet size one by two pictures.

[Bert]

The little white trims all around.

[Donna]

And there is always an inevitably a missing tooth.

[Bert]

Yeah, which was cool.

[Angie]

And the concentration on mom's face when she had to cut the wallet sized ones apart because she did not want to waste. At least I know Donna not even a centimeter. Man, I know Donna wanted to be right down the middle of that white space in between. And God forbid they accidentally slip and damage one of those pictures and you know that'll cost him 11 cents.

[Bert]

The thing that used to be endearing about him at least when you look back at him though is really the imperfection in him. Like Jen said, you know, like the missing tooth or hair being out of place or.

[Donna]

Yeah, or like the cowlick on the little boys pictures they always had some sort of like something sticking up.

[Bert]

That's what makes them cute, you know, because they're five years old or six years old.

[Angie]

I like the free comb. Always got A free comb.

[Donna]

You did.

[Bert]

You must have lived in the rich side of Rochester.

[Donna]

The only time that they pulled out combs for us was in the.

[Angie]

We were together for seven years. Syracuse. I've never once said you grew up in Los Angeles.

[Bert]

It's the same thing. Rochester, Syracuse, upstate New York is all the same thing.

[Angie]

Syracuse.

[Donna]

And what is her name?

[Angie]

That is Wendy.

[Bert]

It's all the same thing up there.

[Angie]

Well, I'm sorry you didn't get a, you know, a comb when you were, you know, in Modesto.

[Bert]

It's not the same. Upstate New York is upstate New York, man.

[Angie]

California is California.

[Bert]

That's not true. That's a legitimate state. Hey, angie, you're on Q100. Good morning.

[Caller]

Hey. I just wanted to say that today I'm in eighth grade and today's actually my picture day. And it is so much pressure on, like, especially the girls because you just have to look perfect for the guys, for everything.

[Angie]

Get your hair done, the kind of sexy shirt.

[Caller]

Especially since like the people who take your picture are so weird. And then like, you're perfect is perfect. And then they like make you move and it just ruins it.

[Bert]

All right. Like you have the perfect pose, right, when the hair is all perfect. And then they make you like do that neck twist thing and it jacks the whole angle up, right?

[Caller]

Yeah. It's just horrible.

[Donna]

I had a kid, I remember one year in middle school that they made us do it after peace.

[Bert]

Why would you do that? Well, maybe the thinking was you were gonna get like, you take a shower and do everything and get shower.

[Donna]

No, I guess they just sent us to PE and it was just like the timing of our class or whatever was getting picture day after that.

[Angie]

We didn't shower after sixth grade pe.

[Donna]

Mmh. Mm. I don't think we did either.

[Bert]

Yeah, I mean, it certainly was offered. You just were too insecure to get naked in a shower. Are you kidding?

[Angie]

I don't even think it was offered. Really?

[Donna]

Yeah, we were just stinky.

[Angie]

Sixth grade PE is when we were just playing with the giant parachute, I think.

[Elliot]

I don't think we were doing it.

[Caller]

I don't think we were doing it.

[Bert]

Red rover, red rover.

[Angie]

We weren't doing anything. Side sliding into home.

[Bert]

Angie, how long have you had your outfit picked out for?

[Caller]

I actually stayed up last night till like what, like 11? And I just woke up like at 5:15ish. And I took a shower. So like my hair is like perfectly blow dried and just perfect. And yeah, I usually wake up like at 7.

[Donna]

It's always the trendiest outfit, isn't it?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Bert]

What are you wearing? Like, give. Like from head to toe. What are you wearing for picture day today?

[Caller]

See, I'm wearing, like, these really cute, skinny, like, black jeans with this, like, patterned yellow shirt. It's really pretty, but you have to see it.

[Angie]

Look Jessica Simpson wore when she was over in Iraq.

[Bert]

The thing is, you're gonna look back at those pictures in 15 years ago.

[Elliot]

What was I doing?

[Caller]

Yeah, I know.

[Angie]

We had a kid in our school who. And this is the senior pictures that he took, but he had ADD issues, and he got mad and smashed the foam 91.

[Caller]

Oh, no.

[Bert]

The what?

[Angie]

The big, giant foam 91. The big giant foam. He got all mad.

[Donna]

Is that the year you graduated? He had ADD issues? Sounds like he had bigger issues than that.

[Angie]

Well, they led to anger issues, but they kept reposing him and he. Oh, this poor guy. It's so funny now that I say it out loud. He actually practiced his pose.

[Donna]

Oh, no.

[Angie]

And he apparently had people over at his house helping him practice his pose.

[Bert]

Dude, that's a guy.

[Angie]

Cause he was a bigger guy. And the photo guy kept saying, no, I want you to do it like this. And he wanted the standard, you know, thoughtful, pensive hand on the elbow. And the guy didn't want to do that. Like, he wanted his elbows on his shoulders. And then finally he just said, no, I'm not gonna do that. And he stood up and he started stomping around, and he took the folding metal chair and he smashed the foam 91. And nobody else could get their pictures done that day because they didn't have another nine.

[Donna]

What was the dude's name? Because, you know. You know, his first and last name.

[Angie]

I can't say because I know somebody from my high school. I graduated with 60 people, and one of the idiots moves to Atlanta. What the hell? I got stories about Wayne Sterling I want to tell people. Get out of town.

[Bert]

Hey, Billy Joe, you're on Q100. Hey.

[Caller]

Hey there. When I was in about first grade, a couple nights before picture day, I discovered that I wanted to cut my own hair. And I had banged probably about a half an inch short. And then I ended up getting in a fight with the neighborhood boys, and they beat the living stuff out of me and gave me two black eyes and a busted lip. And when I got my pictures back, my mom just cried. Aw.

[Bert]

Here's where we're kind of going with this, because there's an article in Newsweek now that says there's a huge industry for different photo studios that are touching up those pictures so you look absolutely perfect. So if this was back in the day, you'd show up with your.

[Caller]

I got a touch up for that one.

[Bert]

Yeah, you'd show up with your black eyes and your hair all jacked up and stuff. And then your parents would go and they would pay seven bucks and they would touch up your pictures to where they were absolutely perfect.

[Donna]

And we're talking about like first and second graders here.

[Bert]

Yeah, it's mostly like six and seven and eight year olds.

[Caller]

Yes. And I mean, I don't know, I mean there's so many kids at that age that figure, oh, we can cut our own hair. We don't need someone else to do it.

[Bert]

We should put up our own gallery of really jacked up.

[Caller]

Oh, that would be hilarious.

[Bert]

Photo pictures and put them up online. Yours has got to be the first one with the two black eyes.

[Angie]

Like we did the scary Santas.

[Donna]

See, like the two black eyes seven years ago.

[Caller]

And if I'd have to really look for those pictures.

[Donna]

I almost get that though. Like if you had a big black eye or a big scratch on your face or something like from falling off your bike, I almost understand that. But we're talking about everyday normal kid photos where they're like, well, let's just airbrush those freckles because those aren't so perfect.

[Bert]

Yeah, here's what it says in Newsweek. The photo agencies and a horde of websites now offer retouching services that allow students to wipe out their every imperfection. Parents are signing up their children at younger and younger ages. One kid says, I have a 12 year old and I'd be afraid that if I ask for the retouching, she'd think that she just wasn't good enough so she won't get her kids picture retouched. The rise in airbrushing is a byproduct of a culture consumed with the idea that the body is perfectible. And all of these parents now, and they say about 50% in Philadelphia now, are taking their kids in to have their pictures retouched.

[Donna]

And you know, that's not for black eyes or scratches, you know, that's for everyday just skin stuff or you know.

[Angie]

Or like stray hairs.

[Donna]

Yeah, the cowlick or whatever, which is.

[Bert]

What makes it so cute and charming. Hey, Jennifer, you're on Q100.

[Caller]

Hey there. How you guys doing?

[Bert]

Good, thanks.

[Angie]

Cleavage on a third grader.

[Donna]

Oh, Jeff dollar you did not even just think of that. Please, Tebow, Please Thibaut. Because that did not just happen because.

[Bert]

Of all the hormones in milk now.

[Donna]

Yeah.

[Bert]

It'S there anyway.

[Angie]

No, I think it's not that. It's the fact that there's going to be other. There's going to be another.

[Donna]

Don't, don't, don't.

[Angie]

A ten year old girl who's got starting to get some and then the mom's going to be like.

[Donna]

No, you did not even just say that.

[Angie]

Can you just put shadows in there?

[Donna]

No.

[Bert]

Hey Jennifer, what's up?

[Angie]

I'm gonna take my pictures. I have a six pack hair brushed in. I'm gonna be a cut first grader.

[Bert]

What's going on?

[Angie]

Oh my God. My next door neighbor had his school picture taken with his shirt off.

[Donna]

No.

[Angie]

Yeah, when he was in third grade.

[Bert]

Boy, that's a kid that definitely ended up on cops.

[Donna]

Or working in Sweden. Richards.

[Bert]

What's going on? Jennifer?

[Caller]

Good morning. How are you guys doing?

[Bert]

Good.

[Caller]

My son, he's 10 years old and he forgot to tell me that picture day was that morning and the night before. He's mixed so he's got really curly hair and we took out his corn rolls and forgot. And his T shirt said I'm with the circus.

[Donna]

See, that's classic though.

[Bert]

That's a classic. I would keep it, man. I would keep it.

[Donna]

He will love that when he's older.

[Caller]

Well, he was bare Sprite mail though.

[Bert]

That's beautiful.

[Angie]

So you would just airbrush it away?

[Donna]

Save it.

[Angie]

Just airbrush out the slogan on the shirt. And that's the best you can do?

[Bert]

Oh, this is beautiful. Hey Lynn, good morning. You'll be the last call. What's going on?

[Caller]

I am a first grade teacher and I have 15 kids in my class. 14 parents out of all 15 wanted their pictures retouched. They wanted teeth put back in. They wanted freckles taken out. There was one girl that had back fat they wanted taken out.

[Bert]

Oh no. And these kids are how old?

[Caller]

Oh no, they're six. Turning seven.

[Angie]

Just out of curiosity, what kind of school pictures are you taking? Where the back fat shows up?

[Caller]

It was the one where you have to turn, you know, and your head back over your shoulder.

[Bert]

Yes. And you get that side shot. And the parents said I want my kids back fat. Taken out.

[Caller]

Yeah. And in fact the digital photographer that did it said he wouldn't do that. So I was proud of that.

[Donna]

Very good.

[Bert]

And is this like a very elite part of town or is this a pretty common area?

[Caller]

It's a private school, I'll say that. So the parents are well off, but I mean their Kids are six. Let them have a teeth. A tooth missing. You know, what's the big deal?

[Angie]

Let them have their back fat.

[Donna]

They don't need to have veneers in the first grade.

[Caller]

Exactly.

[Angie]

Hey, mom and dad, why don't you put your little pig on a treadmill?

[Bert]

The kid is 6 years old.

[Angie]

Stop giving him every snickers that he asks for.

[Bert]

The kid is 6 years old.

[Angie]

Just saying.

[Bert]

14 out of 15 kids. She said 14 out of 15. The Birch Show. If you're living a secret life right now, parents don't know about it. Maybe you're at Pink Pony Friday, Saturday nights. Parents have no idea. Friends have no idea about a lifestyle you might be living. I want to hear from you next because this all circulates around this Governor Spitzer story in New York. It's a whole bunch of people that didn't have any idea what their loved ones had their hands into for years. Because if you take a look at this, this Elliot Spitzer story here, there's a whole bunch of different ways to dissect it, that's for sure.

[Elliot]

Of course, we're talking about the New York governor who resigned yesterday because of all the call girl scandal, the big call girl ring he was a part of. He's officially going to be out of office on Monday, so he'll finish out everything he's got to do this week. But of course, he lived his secret life from his wife because he was spending $80,000 in the past 10 years on call girls. And the one that was mentioned in an affidavit was Kristen, who now we know her real name, but Kristen is her call girl name. And she was living a secret life because, I mean, who in her life knew that she was a call girl?

[Bert]

And this guy's been married 20 years. He had. And she had zero idea what he was doing. And as far as the. The call girl goes, her mother found out she was a call girl just like the rest of us. Oh, no, he didn't know. So she is, what, 22 years old. And who knows how long she's been doing this? But the parents had no idea she was an escort. So she was living the secret life from her parents.

[Angie]

Also, who has the tougher phone call? Spitzer talking to his wife. Escort talking to her mom, dad.

[Bert]

Escort. No, Escort talking to the dad, telling dad, this is what I do for a living.

[Angie]

Is that the toughest conversation in this whole thing? Yep.

[Bert]

Well, the toughest conversation is between the wife and the husband. Her reaction to it?

[Angie]

Yeah. Are you sure?

[Donna]

Yeah. Because from your eloquent reading of her MySpace page earlier, she came from a broken home.

[Elliot]

So.

[Angie]

So they're used to drama.

[Donna]

Maybe.

[Bert]

Man, could you imagine being the father though, who never, never wants to ADM imagine his little girl doing that even with her husband.

[Donna]

That's true.

[Bert]

So when she comes to him and she says, look, this is what I've been doing for the last three years.

[Caller]

Oh, no, no.

[Bert]

What did I do?

[Donna]

You say Elliot Spitzer's wife had no idea for 10 years that he was doing this.

[Bert]

Yeah, she had no idea.

[Donna]

I think she knew. I think she had to have a hunch or something.

[Angie]

How would she know? I mean, think of it when you're.

[Elliot]

In that women know more than you think.

[Donna]

I mean, I think that she maybe just turned a blind eye to it. But you think at 10 years and 80 grand she didn't notice?

[Bert]

I don't know. I don't know.

[Angie]

When you think of the way like the job that he.

[Elliot]

Cuz anytime jobs the rest of us.

[Angie]

Know, the job that he's had would allow, like I don't think it's like a regular income. Like I don't get it. I don't think he gets a fifteen hundred dollar check every other Friday, you know what I mean? So.

[Elliot]

But that's still her husband.

[Bert]

Where you going? What are you doing?

[Angie]

Travels for business. Like he did them all out of town. Like the Valentine's Day One was in.

[Elliot]

D.C. but women aren't. I do agree with Jen that women aren't stupid. She may not have known the extent of what was going on, but I think that she realized that something was going on.

[Bert]

Something in her gut was at.

[Elliot]

Yeah.

[Bert]

404741. Q100. Susan, tell us about the secret life that you're living.

[Caller]

Hey, good morning, y'. All.

[Bert]

Hi. You're on the voice disguiser.

[Caller]

Okay. Well, I am a lesbian and me and my girlfriend, we've been together for three years. Well, my immediate family, my mother, my stepdad and my brother and sister in law know. But when it comes to the extended family, like my grandparents, which were really close, they have no idea. And we've been together for three years and every time we have a get together they're like, so are you dating anybody?

[Elliot]

I'm focusing on my career, thank you. I said, yeah, I'm focusing on my career, thank you. No, I'm good.

[Donna]

You know.

[Caller]

Yeah, yeah. It's very hard. It's. I just. They're Southern Baptist and my grandfather, he's a retired Southern Baptist preacher. So it's like they, you know, I don't even know how to begin to come out to them. So I just figured living a secret life is just the better thing to do.

[Bert]

Is this the kind of thing, though, Melissa, like, when you finally do say something, when you finally come out of the closet and you say something to the people around you, they say, oh, well, we've known for years. We didn't want to say anything.

[Elliot]

But I think a lot of times you'll find that people. It's just like with the wife. We were talking about the governor's wife. I think family members and people you're close to are not stupid. They really aren't. They may be a little surprised because they don't really focus on it and sit and analyze it. You know, they're not focusing on you as much as you think they are. But I do think that people in my family weren't surprised because you realize that I didn't behave the way my sister did when I wasn't boy crazy when I was 14 and I wasn't dating all the time when I was in high school, in college, and, you know, skipping class to go hang out with my boyfriend, you know, in the park or whatever. And so I think that parents see that and they see the differences and they know. But I understand the extended family thing because, I mean, there's sometimes where you, what's the point in coming out to grandpa?

[Bert]

Hey, Ashley, you're on the voice disguiser. Hey, what's up?

[Elliot]

Hi.

[Caller]

How are you guys doing?

[Bert]

Okay. Your secret life.

[Caller]

I actually just found out about a month ago that my husband's been living.

[Bert]

A gay lifestyle for how long?

[Caller]

The whole time we've been married. And we've been married for about six years.

[Bert]

Like, you listen to that and you're like, for six years. I mean, this guy came home every night for six years. Do you have kids?

[Caller]

We have a one year old together.

[Bert]

You got a one year old together? And you must be looking at him like, I never knew this man right now.

[Caller]

Right.

[Donna]

So you had no clue?

[Caller]

No. I mean, I kind of suspected about a year ago something was going on, but it wasn't positive. And I'd asked and no, nothing's going on, and now it all came out.

[Donna]

What did you suspect? Did you suspect he was gay or suspect he was having an affair?

[Caller]

He was having an affair, but you.

[Donna]

Thought it was with a woman.

[Caller]

Mm.

[Angie]

So when you. How did the confirmation take place? Like, did you find out at the same time that your affair thing was true and it Was a guy, or did you find out one, like, one day, and then a few days later the other?

[Caller]

I found it all at once.

[Bert]

He did. He confessed to you?

[Caller]

Mm. Well, I confronted him because I found some stuff on the computer and I confronted him.

[Bert]

And you had, like, overwhelming evidence, and you confronted him, and he's like, okay, you know what? Let me just get it all out here.

[Elliot]

Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.

[Caller]

I mean, it happened, so I'm sorry. But, yeah, that's what happened.

[Elliot]

And see, these are two completely different calls because this dude was a jerk because he was having an affair on his wife and not being honest with her about what he was doing. Because whatever you do in your life, don't affect other people in a negative way. Where the first caller in a committed relationship and slowly just trying to share with others what's going on and finding that there are people that would judge her even though she is doing the right thing. So, you know, two completely different phone calls.

[Bert]

Jennifer, you're on Q100 on the Voice disguiser.

[Caller]

Hey, how are you doing?

[Bert]

Good. How are you doing?

[Donna]

Good.

[Caller]

My secret life, actually, is I babysit for this one guy and his wife works at a strip club in Atlanta. And actually, I'm his personal stripper, and I plan on getting a job with the strip club with his wife, and I plan to start on spring break.

[Bert]

She, the wife has no idea that you're stripping for him when she's out at the club?

[Caller]

They're kind of like a swinger couple, I guess. So she's fine with it.

[Donna]

So.

[Elliot]

All right.

[Bert]

Wow. Did you hear looking at us like, what do we say?

[Elliot]

Did you say you babysit for this couple?

[Caller]

Yeah, I do.

[Elliot]

Okay, so how old is their kid?

[Caller]

They're six month old.

[Elliot]

So when do you strip for him? Is it when you're supposed to be watching the kid?

[Caller]

Well, no, babies come on out when she's there.

[Angie]

Yeah, don't be crazy.

[Elliot]

Yeah, don't be stupid.

[Bert]

Melissa, there's been no time ever that when the baby has taken a nap, you've gone downstairs and done your little strip thing for Pops.

[Caller]

Yeah, I have. He's training me so then I can get the job at the other place.

[Angie]

That's awesome.

[Bert]

He's training you.

[Elliot]

Are you sure you ever wanted to.

[Angie]

Have a kid more?

[Caller]

He can, you know, he tells me to move. He tells me he's got. He tells me the clothes I can wear, he can get the shoes for me.

[Elliot]

So do you have the job?

[Caller]

No one, like, no one knows. My boyfriend doesn't know. No one in my family has a clue. No friends know. Just they know. So it's. That's total secret lies.

[Angie]

Hey, just out of curiosity, do you pet sit.

[Donna]

Oh, stop.

[Elliot]

Jeff.

[Donna]

You gonna teach her another move? Buy some shoes?

[Bert]

You can never have enough babysitters. I'll put you on hold.

[Angie]

Like, I. I know it's weird, but.

[Caller]

It'S right there at me.

[Angie]

So this may sound crazy, but when I work from home, I like someone to be downstairs with the dog.

[Donna]

You know, I'm just curious, who else knows about this secret life?

[Caller]

No one knows. Just him and his wife know. And no one else has a clue.

[Elliot]

So you weren't stripping?

[Bert]

You weren't stripping before you started babysitting for them? They sort of, like, brought you into the world?

[Caller]

No, I was their babysitter first, and.

[Bert]

They'Re like, you know, if you want to make some extra bucks, then, yeah, they were.

[Caller]

Exactly.

[Bert]

So while the baby is upstairs napping from time to time, she's downstairs and she's being trained on how to strip from pop. That is beautiful.

[Donna]

Sometimes I don't think we can ever be surprised on our show.

[Angie]

I know, right?

[Donna]

And then we get surprised. I love it.

[Caller]

I was like, oh, my gosh, I've got to call in.

[Bert]

Thank you, Jennifer. See ya.

[Angie]

Good luck.

[Donna]

I guess I thought we had heard it all.

[Bert]

Every day brings a new adventure to the bird show. Love it. Hey, the bird show.