Full Show PT 2: Tuesday, April 7 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 2: Tuesday, April 7 [Vault]

Date: April 7, 2026
Podcast Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and others

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show is lively and eclectic, diving into relatable listener dilemmas and the cast’s signature blend of humor and authenticity. The main themes include school policy inconsistencies (focusing on a boy suspended for a “mohawk” haircut), societal double standards and etiquette around “sympathy sex,” workplace fridge thefts (with a wild breast milk twist), and the “dibs” culture in female friendships when it comes to dating. Throughout, the hosts and callers offer both comedic and candid takes, making this an engaging episode full of laughs, real talk, and memorable moments.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Mohawk Controversy: School Policy Inconsistency

[01:59–13:54]

• Maria’s Story: Maria calls in to share her frustration after her son is sent home from school for having a mohawk haircut—even though he’s sported the same haircut “more than 10, 15 times throughout the year” without prior issue.
• School Handbook Language: The school’s vague policy bans "extreme hairstyles" but doesn’t directly mention mohawks, leading to inconsistent interpretation by administrators.
  • "[The policy says] extreme hairstyles that would interfere with learning or cause a disruption of the educational environment." — Burt [04:22]
• Subjectivity of “Extreme”: The cast and Maria discuss how "extreme" is open to interpretation, and how her other son (in another school within the same county) never faced issue for his mohawk.
• Disruption and Bullying: Maria’s son, after cutting his hair so he could return to school, is now being mocked as the “Mohawk kid.”
  • "Now they're making fun of him because he doesn't have hair." — Maria [13:26]
• Broader Point: The cast critiques how arbitrary enforcement leads to unnecessary student hardship and questions why such personal expression is policed, especially near the end of the school year.

Notable Quotes:

• "So it’s extreme now, but it wasn’t extreme a couple weeks or a couple months ago…That’s totally inconsistent." — Burt [06:19]
• "The debate is over what's interpretation? The word extreme." — Jeff [04:34]
• "Somebody shaving their head bald would be more disruptive than his haircut." — Melissa [07:21]

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2. Sympathy Sex: Social Double Standards and Real Life Stories

[16:35–29:00]

• A Friend’s Sympathy Offer: Melissa recounts a friend’s story where, after losing his beloved dog, he’s offered sympathy sex by a female friend—an offer he declines due to being too sad. The cast debates if this was an act of compassion or a covert romantic move.
  • "That's dead dog sympathy sex." — Jeff [17:45]
• Callers’ Stories: Multiple listeners share experiences of giving or receiving “sympathy sex”—from birthdays where no one showed up, to breakups, job losses, failed classes, and more:
  • Some participants feel “skanky” or awkward, while others report positive outcomes (including marriage).
  • "I actually was calling because I married my husband after we had sympathy sex." — Caller [25:23]
• Gender Double Standards: Extended debate on whether it's "skanky" for women to offer sex, or considered a compassionate gesture—highlighting differences between male and female perspectives.
  • "If you're a girl and you walk up to a guy and you go, 'Hey, you want to have sex, you show him your boobs.' That makes you a little skanky. Right?" — Jeff [20:51]
  • "No, she's not [a skank]. That's what he said. He's like, I couldn't get past what was making me sad." — Burt [17:59]

Memorable & Funny Exchanges:

• "Did he get, like, a rain check?" — Jeff [17:57]
• "If your husband's a smart man, he is applying for jobs and not getting them every single week." — Jeff [26:07]
• "He won the vage lottery. He didn't think she was really gonna say, 'I love…'" — Burt [27:44]

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3. Workplace Fridge Theft—With a Breast Milk Twist

[30:17–41:55]

• Classic Leftover Drama: The team shares common stories of bringing delicious leftovers to work only to find them pilfered by mystery coworkers.
  • "You open up the fridge expecting to see that styrofoam container, and it's missing, man, it's missing. You feel like doing an Amber alert." — Burt [30:53]
• Breast Milk Thief:
  • Abby calls in with a unique problem: someone at her office appears to be stealing (or possibly drinking) her stored breast milk from the communal fridge.
    • She’s certain because the amount keeps being reduced, despite right labeling and secure storage.
    • The team discusses how to deal with it—ranging from getting a mini fridge, confronting coworkers, or reporting to HR.
    • "Please don't drink my breast milk." — Jeff (mocking a possible mass-office email) [35:58]
    • "Maybe he's just dipping his...No. No parts in." — Jeff [41:10]
  • Callers suggest some people may find breast milk in the fridge offensive, but agree it’s ridiculous for anyone to tamper with it.
• Other Office Revenge Tales: Listeners recall retaliatory tactics for fridge theft—refilling beer with urine, or tainting juice and not telling the thief what was done to it.

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4. “Dibs” Culture in Female Friendships & Dating

[44:21–58:18]

• Wendy’s New Group Issue: Wendy describes how one friend in her circle calls “dibs” on every cute guy that appears—essentially blocking the rest from approaching anyone.
• Rules of Dibs: There’s a roundtable on how “dibs” works differently for women vs. men.
  • For women, calling dibs is an unspoken rule to support a friend’s romantic interests and minimize drama—breaking it is considered a serious breach.
    • "You have to get the green light from your friend to date a guy that she's never even dated or may not even have his phone number. Yes." — Burt & Maria [51:06]
    • "If a girl says dibs on a guy...there’s this unspoken 'okay, the girls are going to help her get him.' It’s a lifetime commitment." — Kevin [57:36]
  • For men, approaching as you wish is more common, and if one succeeds, others back off—less drama, more team spirit.
    • "Whoever makes the approach, makes the approach." — Jeff [47:37]
• Drama and Double Standards: The cast jokes about how complicated female friendship rules can be, why calling dibs more than once is unfair, and how sometimes these rules hinder genuine romantic matches.
  • "You guys are ruining the reproductive process." — Jeff [55:32]
  • "If you go and take her dibs, you are saying you are the hottest in the unspoken girl world." — Maria [56:42]
  • Callers and cast recall the lifelong persistence and deep emotional weight of dibs rules.
• Bert’s “Guy World” Summary:
  • "In the guy world...if we can't [get the girl], then slightly underneath that there's an appreciation for at least our boy is getting some." — Burt [52:28]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On School Policy:
  • "It's been the same assistant principal and principal at school all year long...So it's extreme now, but it wasn’t extreme a couple weeks or months ago?" — Burt [06:27]
• On Sympathy Sex:
  • "That's dead dog sympathy sex." — Jeff [17:45]
  • "I actually was calling because I married my husband after we had sympathy sex." — Caller [25:23]
• On Workplace Breast Milk Theft:
  • "Please don't drink my breast milk." — Jeff [35:58]
  • "It's going down a dude's throat." — Kevin [40:03]
• On Dibs Culture:
  • "You can pick your one toy and say, that's going to be mine for the day to play, but you can't say, all of these toys are mine. You got to share, please." — Melissa [49:01]
  • "You have to get the green light from your friend to date a guy that she's never even dated or may not even have his phone number. Yes." — Burt & Maria [51:06]
  • "If a girl says dibs on a guy...there’s this unspoken: the girls are going to help her get him. It’s a lifetime commitment." — Kevin [57:36]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• 01:59–13:54: Mohawk School Controversy (Maria’s son)
• 16:35–29:00: Sympathy Sex – Stories & Debate
• 30:17–41:55: Workplace Fridge Drama & Breast Milk Theft
• 44:21–58:18: Dibs Culture and Drama in Female Friendships

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Episode Tone & Takeaways

The tone is playful, authentic, and often irreverent—capturing everything from real-life frustrations to tongue-in-cheek commentary on modern life and relationships. Highly interactive with listener calls, the episode delivers not only laughs, but food for thought on how we interpret rules, support friends, and navigate the quirks of everyday drama.

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A rich, hilarious, and occasionally wild slice of real life — classic Bert Show!

Transcript

[Burt]

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[Weight Loss Advertiser]

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[Burt]

Visit borhearst.com the Birch Show all right, Maria is ready to go. Before we even talk to her, you guys, I wanted you to check out her son's pictures, okay? And what his hair looks like when he goes to middle school. Every day he's got himself kind Of a bit of a mohawk there. It's cut really close on the sides. And it's not one of those mohawks that you see that's waxed up, you know, like a foot where you can pick it out of a crowd.

[Melissa]

Right.

[Burt]

He definitely has a Mohawk, but it looks more like a caterpillar crawling down in the middle of his head. You know what I'm saying?

[Melissa]

Yeah, it's like a stripe, but it's not a big, huge tall one.

[Burt]

No. Well, the school that he goes to in Henry County, I believe Marie is going to tell us, not real happy with his haircut at all. So much so that they kicked him out of school. Hi, Maria.

[Maria]

Hello. How are you?

[Burt]

Good, how are you?

[Maria]

I'm not happy.

[Burt]

I bet. Well, go ahead, tell us what's going on.

[Maria]

My son got his hair cut over the weekend. He's had mohawks throughout the year. He had his haircut on Friday. He goes to school on Tuesday, and five minutes later he calls me that he has to go home because he has a mohawk and he can't be in school with a mohawk.

[Melissa]

But he's had one all year.

[Maria]

He's had one throughout. He does different things with his hair, Spikes it up and all that kind of stuff. So he's had one periodically throughout the year.

[Burt]

Okay, now this is really. This is an important fact right here. So what you need to do for us is describe what some of his other haircuts have been up until this point. Have they been sort of outrageous and attention grabbing?

[Maria]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Never, you know, with the gel. Never. Attention grabbing. He's just very picky about his hair.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Maria]

And so he calls me on Tuesday, says, I gotta go pick him up. So, you know, I'm like, I don't understand. You've had a mohawk throughout the year at other times. So I turn around and I go back to school and the lady in the office tells me that the principal said he had to go home. So I'm like, well, go. Go get whoever it is I need to talk to. And I want to see in a handbook where it says Mohawk. I want to see the word. Well, they bring me the book. And the book doesn't say mohawk. It says extreme hairstyles that maybe extreme hairstyles that may cause the other kids to not learn. He's got like he had. Because he doesn't have it anymore.

[Burt]

She writes in her email. It was officially an extreme hairstyle that would interfere with learning or cause a disruption of the educational environment. Is what the handbook says, right?

[Maria]

That's correct.

[Jeff]

So the debate is over what's interpretation?

[Burt]

Interpretation.

[Jeff]

The word extreme.

[Melissa]

Subjective.

[Maria]

Well, let me ask you up to the principal of that. Of the school. My other son has a Mohawk, went to school. Principal says, I like your hair. And he goes into the school, fine.

[Burt]

Now, that's in the same county, but a different school.

[Maria]

That's correct.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Kevin]

Okay.

[Melissa]

Now let me ask you about your son's behavior in school. I mean, is he a good kid? Does he get good grades, or is he a disciplinary problem?

[Maria]

You know, he's a good kid. He gets good grades. All of his teachers have good things to say about him. I mean, he's not a problematic child.

[Melissa]

Has he ever been sent to the principal's office for anything other than his haircut?

[Maria]

He did at one time, but that was a long time ago. And it wasn't even a principal's office. It was assistant principal. So he never talked to a principal?

[Kevin]

Well, the assistant principal's always the one that, you know, he's the heavy good cop, bad cop.

[Jeff]

Yeah, that's how it was in art school.

[Kevin]

Like principal, Principal hands, principal's office. I don't wanna go there.

[Jeff]

Principal hands out awards. Vice principal hands out detention.

[Maria]

In this case, come to find out later on in the day, the lady who I spoke with wasn't even the principal. She was the assistant principal of the school.

[Jeff]

Well, is she the one who asked your child to leave? Because that's who you need to talk to.

[Maria]

Yes, she is. But I'm going to go back today to speak with the principal because I have reported it to the school board.

[Melissa]

So you.

[Kevin]

I want to go back to your saying that he has had. He's. He had that. That same haircut periodically throughout the year.

[Maria]

He's had mohawks.

[Burt]

Okay. No, no, no. What Melissa's asking you is, has he had the same haircut, the same type mohawk, in different times throughout the year?

[Maria]

Yes.

[Kevin]

Yes. Okay.

[Burt]

Has never been a problem up until last week.

[Maria]

Exactly.

[Burt]

That's totally inconsistent.

[Melissa]

That's weird. Yeah.

[Burt]

And it's been the same assistant principal and same principal at school all year long.

[Maria]

Yeah.

[Burt]

So it's extreme now, but it wasn't extreme a couple of weeks or a couple of months ago.

[Maria]

It's extreme when they have four days left of school.

[Burt]

That's crazy. Four days left of school. Hey, Nick. Good morning. You're on the Burt Show.

[Caller]

Hey, good morning. I had long hair back in high school in the late 90s. And every three weeks, they would send me home from school. Because my hair was past the collar and it just got ridiculous. So I went in front of the school board and tried my case and. And, and they just would not hear it. They would not, you know, change their ruling at all. And finally I just gave up and just shaved my head.

[Burt]

And that was acceptable because there are so. I mean, let's say you shave your head, you go bald, you come into school. If a principal decides that that's an extreme style and that you're interfering or disrupting the educational environment, then you're booted out anyway.

[Melissa]

Yeah, I would think somebody shaving their head bald would be more disruptive than his haircut.

[Burt]

There's just some inconsistencies going on here, you know, that just don't make any sense. You got four days left in the school year. He's had the exact same haircut in previous weeks or previous months, according to you, and they've never said a word to you about it before?

[Maria]

No.

[Kevin]

Yeah, I think that's the problem I have because, I mean, if there's rules, there's rules. And if it's up for interpretation, unfortunately, they, you know, they can enforce these rules. But if they have not said anything before this, then that's where, you know, I think it's unfair that they kicked your kid out.

[Burt]

Yeah, I think you're right there, but.

[Maria]

Well, he went back to school because he had to get rid of the Mohawk. My husband took him, got rid of the Mohawk and took him back to school. My husband leaves the office. One of the ladies in the office refers to my son as the Mohawk kid. They all know his name.

[Wendy]

Are you sure he didn't wear it in spikes?

[Maria]

No, no, no, no, no. You can see the picture. I took that as I got in the car. It was not in fight. No, he's not a kid to go against the rules or anything. I mean, he's. No.

[Kevin]

Was it. Was there like. Because I'm just wondering what happened that day that's different than the other times. Because the key, is it disrupting class? I wonder if there's a disruption in the class he was in. Did they say anything?

[Burt]

Yeah, there's such strange inconsistencies here that I'm wondering if you argued. Let's say you. We had the principal or the vice principal on what would their take on this whole thing be?

[Maria]

Class hadn't even begun. I dropped them off like at 7:57. Went to the cafeteria with the other kids. Class hadn't even begun yet. I mean, I don't. And like you said, it's not spiced up. You have kids that go to school, like the first caller said at his school, they have hair down to their shoulders, and that's not a disruption. You have these kids that go to school with all these lines in their heads and a Nike sign and stuff like that, and that's not a disruption. And I'm confused because that to me is more of a disruption, the little lines through the head, than him having a slight Mohawk.

[Burt]

Hey, Melissa. Good morning. You're part of the Burt Show. Hi.

[Maria]

Hi. How are you?

[Burt]

Okay. What's up?

[Maria]

Good. I work for Henry county also, and I will tell you, I'm sure other school boards do it also, but they leave the handbook very vague so that they can use it at their discretion. Because I will tell you, as working for Henry county school system and any other school system, you will see kids come out in the morning and come back in the afternoon, especially females dressed ascertaining a certain way, and there's been nothing done about it. A hairstyle, to me, that's not caused to, you know, kick him out of school for the last four days of school. When I see females dressed with, you know, skirts way up high and high heeled shoes like they should be dancing in a shoe show.

[Burt]

But here's the. Here's the inconsistency here, Melissa.

[Jeff]

Shoe show

[Burt]

is that. I understand that the handbook is very vague because each principal and each vice principal are going to have their different interpretations of it. But if he had the same hairstyle for months and months and months, they've been interpreting it as okay up until this point.

[Maria]

Right, exactly. And if this principal or vice principal, whoever saw him this time, maybe didn't see him last time and saw him and said, oh, well, you know. And it also depends on the day they're having. I'm sure that's why they leave it so vague.

[Melissa]

Yeah. I just think that it has to be rooted in something he said in the classroom or walking in. You know what I mean? To me, it seems like their excuse to discipline him for. For something else. Did he. Any interaction he had?

[Maria]

No, he's. He's. He's very. No, no.

[Jeff]

And I, like, I might be confused. Like, did. Did he have. Did he wear a mohawk throughout the school year?

[Maria]

Not throughout the whole year. He's had it at one time or another. And I say more than 10 times, more than 15 times throughout the year, he's had a mohawk. He's very finicky about his hair. He constantly changes his hair, gets different

[Jeff]

haircuts but how, like. And I'm not sure. I'm just.

[Burt]

Sometimes he has a little longer. Other times it's in a mohawk.

[Jeff]

Yeah, but I just want to make sure that we're. Because I agree that there's gotta be something else. So just so that we're representing the facts accurately, is it physically possible to have and then not have a Mohawk 15 times during a 9 month school year?

[Maria]

Yes, it is. His hair grows fast and he can actually, if his hair's grown out, he could still make a mohawk. Yeah.

[Kevin]

I know guys who change their hair all the time and guys hair, if they grow fast, you can change it fast.

[Melissa]

He's in middle school. He doesn't have a whole lot of control over expressing himself like, and through his hair is the way he's able to do it.

[Burt]

Yeah. This is such a. This is such a bizarre conversation. As a guy that grew up in San Diego, where everybody sort of strives to be independent from each other, and you had the weirdest haircuts and the weirdest way to dress, and it was encouraged by our teachers in San Diego. But it's a little more conservative out here.

[Melissa]

Right.

[Burt]

And the counties are a little more conservative, so this would be a problem.

[Melissa]

But I just. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense.

[Jeff]

I'm guessing you went to a school where they were partying with the students.

[Burt]

Bert, Good morning, Keir, you're on The Burt Show. Q100.

[Caller]

Hey, how you doing?

[Burt]

Okay.

[Caller]

Yeah, I guess, you know, you kind

[Maria]

of just touched on what I think

[Caller]

the core issue is, and we're not even really talking about it. You know, we're kind of arguing over their interpretation of this rule and when it's right to apply it, when it's not. But the whole rule is absurd.

[Maria]

I mean, these kids, we don't give them much these days. You know, they're so in. In their own lives, in my space. And we're arguing about whether or not this kid's hair is too long or too short or too cut.

[Kevin]

We've had the same. We've had the same Footloose conversation for decades. Where's the Independence dance?

[Burt]

Kevin Bacon dance?

[Kevin]

Get in your bumps legging bug and go to the barn and do gymnastics. Damn you.

[Jeff]

You know what? I'm going to go to an empty warehouse with a beer bottle and get mad and throw the beer bottle and dance. I'm going to dance, damn it. With a mohawk.

[Weight Loss Advertiser]

That's right.

[Burt]

Hey, Maria, let us know how it turns out. But, I mean, if your story is accurate, It. You certainly, certainly have a case.

[Maria]

Yeah, and I have. I mean, I'm more angry now when he told me that he went back to school, that the comment that he was a Mohawk kid and kids were making fun of him yesterday at school when he went back than I was before the whole situation even began.

[Burt]

And with four days left in the school year, some may write, yeah, yeah.

[Maria]

And he doesn't even want to go back to school because they were making fun of him now because he doesn't have hair.

[Kevin]

So he's been made fun of now. He wouldn't be made fun of before, but now that they kicked him out and he had to cut his hair and he came back, now they're making fun of him.

[Jeff]

Well, they're making fun of him because he got in trouble.

[Melissa]

So now it's a disruption of the classroom.

[Burt]

Right now it's a disruption.

[Maria]

A haircut like he has now.

[Burt]

Maria, let us know how it all turns out. But like I said, I think if everything you're saying is accurate, you certainly have a good case.

[Maria]

Okay, I will. Thank you.

[Burt]

All right. Thanks a lot. Bye Bye. The Bird Show Delete Me makes it easy, quick, and safe to remove your personal data online. At a time when surveillance and data breaches are common enough to make everybody vulnerable, it is easier than ever to find personal information about people online. Having your address, your phone number, family members, names just hanging out there online, it's all pretty scary stuff, right? With Delete Me, you can protect your personal privacy or the privacy of your business from doxing attacks before sensitive information can be exploited. Look, I'm online all the time, and it freaks me out that my info is out there. Take control of your data. Keep your private life private by signing up for Delete me now at a special discount just for you guys. Get 20% off your delete me plan. When you go to JoinDeleteMe.com Bert. Use the promo code Bert at checkout. That's JoinDeleteMe.com Bert. Enter the code Bert B E R T at checkout.

[Weight Loss Advertiser]

Okay, can we talk about how confusing weight loss has become? Like, one minute it's carbs are bad, and then the next it's, no, actually, carbs are fine, but only if you walk 10,000 steps and drink a green juice. And honestly, it's just a lot. And then even if you do lose the weight, keeping it off is a whole different story. If you're struggling and want something that fits your real life, hers can help. It's designed to support you in reaching your goals in a way that actually fits your life. That's why weight loss by hers is getting so much attention right now. Hers connects you with licensed medical providers who create doctor developed treatment plans tailored to you. They offer access to an affordable range of FDA approved GLP1 medications, including the Wegovy Pill and the Wagovi Pen. It helps regulate your appetite so you eat less and keep the weight off. If you're ready to reach your goals and want to try something new, visit fourhers.com Bert to get personalized affordable care that gets you that's F-O-R-H-E-R-S.com Bert for hers.com Bert weightless by hers is not available in all 50 states with Gobi is the registered trademark of Novo Nordisk A S To get started and learn more, including important safety information with Gobi clinical study information and restrictions, visit boarhurst.com

[Burt]

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[Maria]

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[Burt]

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[Maria]

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[Burt]

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[Melissa]

I have a friend who got the most bizarre offer recently. Well, I don't think it was recent, but he told me the story recently. He had gone through a really tough time because his dog had passed away and this is a dog he just absolutely loved and he's this, you know, single guy. So this was his companion. Right? And so he lost the dog and was having a really, really tough time. Well, one of his friends came over and this has been a girl friend of his, but not girlfriend. They've never had anything romantic, completely platonic relationship, but she's one of his best friends and she comes over to console him about the dog's death and him having to put the dog down and all this kind of stuff, whatever. And they're talking and he's just so down in the dumps that she actually offered to sleep with him to put him in a good mood.

[Burt]

She felt so badly for him that she gave him a sympathy sex.

[Melissa]

Well, she offered it, yeah. He didn't take it. What? He didn't take the offer, but she offered it.

[Jeff]

How are you gonna take. I mean that's dead dog sympathy sex.

[Burt]

What I would have taken that you would have. Yeah.

[Jeff]

The whole two and a half minutes you're gonna be thinking about your dead dog.

[Burt]

I'll get past that.

[Melissa]

That's what he said. He's like, I couldn't get past what was, like, making me sad. And, like, you know, he was like. I just was so down in the dumps. And I was just so in this other state of mind that I couldn't take her up on it.

[Jeff]

Did he get, like, a rain track?

[Burt]

He wasn't attracted to her.

[Melissa]

He does that. And would I ever think about that, like, as, like a sympathy offering? I mean, I would offer to cook dinner for a friend. You know what? I'll make you dinner. Or, you know what? Let's go out. Let's. I'll buy you some round of drinks. Let's shop.

[Kevin]

She's attracted to him.

[Burt]

She's not nearly. Nearly as fun.

[Kevin]

I don't believe she wasn't attracted to him.

[Melissa]

And they stayed friends and they've never hooked up. I mean, and this was maybe. I think he told me. I think his doctor passed away maybe a year ago. And they're still really great friends. Best friends. Known each other for 15 years.

[Kevin]

I think it's a reverse. You know how you talk about how guys hang around if they're attracted to somebody and they'll be friends until something happens and they're able to pay off on it? I think this is a reverse case of that. I think that she had a crush on him the whole time and wanted him the whole time. This was an answer.

[Jeff]

Okay, ladies, ladies. If you're looking for an in to have sex with a guy, you don't have to wait till there's a corpse of a dog. Like, just a heads up, I know you guys can't imagine this because you gotta talk about and analyze it. If you want to have sex with a guy. Yes, you want to have sex with a guy. Wendy, you see a guy this week and you want to have sex with him. Show him your boobs.

[Burt]

Women can't do that, though.

[Jeff]

That's it.

[Burt]

They can't. Because then they think that they're skanky if they do that.

[Kevin]

They're skanky if they do that.

[Jeff]

Oh, you're not skanky if you're gonna have sex because there's a dead dog.

[Melissa]

But see, she had never.

[Burt]

That makes you compassionate.

[Melissa]

She had never offered it before in

[Burt]

a woman's mind is what I'm saying. She can't just offer sex or show her boobs because that's skanky. But if she's offering sex because she's so down in her mind, that's. She's comforting him, that's compassionate.

[Jeff]

You're a death whore.

[Melissa]

She was comforting him. She felt sympathetic for. For what he was going through. She wanted to help put him in a better mood. He said any other day, he would have taken her up on it. Any other time, if she had offer, he would have gone there. But he couldn't do it.

[Jeff]

She's a skank.

[Burt]

No, she's not.

[Maria]

Serious woman.

[Kevin]

Why is she skank?

[Burt]

First of all, I can't believe that you're endorsing any situation where a guy isn't having sex. How so? You're selling out all guys right now.

[Jeff]

I think guys, they've been best friends

[Melissa]

for a really long time.

[Jeff]

She doesn't have to wait for the dog to die.

[Melissa]

That's the only reason she offered it.

[Kevin]

Right?

[Burt]

She could offer it because you're thinking like a dude.

[Wendy]

She didn't want to.

[Burt]

You got to think like a woman here. Listen to me. You got to think like a woman. She can't just offer him sex randomly or she's skanky. So this was a reason for her to go, hey, I'm being compassionate. She's still skanky. Not in her head

[Jeff]

and creepy.

[Wendy]

She's never even showed her her boobs, so.

[Kevin]

But see, Jeff, you're constant yourself because you're saying if a girl wants to have sex with a guy to show the boobs, we're like, you can't do that because you should be skanky.

[Jeff]

No.

[Kevin]

So here's a case where you. But you're calling her skanky because she offered him sex.

[Jeff]

No, I'm saying that if you're a girl and you walk up to a guy and you go, hey, you want to have sex, you show him your boobs. That makes you a little skanky. Right? I'm.

[Kevin]

How'd she do it?

[Burt]

It's a little New Orleans.

[Jeff]

Yeah, that's skanky.

[Burt]

Right?

[Jeff]

But I'm saying just because there's. Just because a dog died. I don't know.

[Melissa]

Highly passionate about this sympathy.

[Jeff]

I have no idea why I'm so fired up with this.

[Burt]

Bonnie, go ahead. Bonnie. Hello?

[Kevin]

Bonnie.

[Jeff]

I would have hung up, too.

[Burt]

Go ahead, Go ahead. Hi.

[Caller]

Okay. Sorry. Am I on the voice of Scott?

[Kevin]

You are safe.

[Caller]

Okay, good. All right, well, this guy was really down, and, like, it was his birthday, and he threw this big birthday party, and absolutely no one showed up.

[Burt]

He was feeling like a loner. Feeling like a loser.

[Melissa]

Oh, boy, that sucks.

[Caller]

Yeah. And so, you know, I kind of got drunk and got the nerve up to do it, and I just, you know, did it for him, and I felt kind of better for him. It's been really nasty.

[Burt]

Good for you. You jumped on the grenade.

[Melissa]

Did you tell him, oh, I feel bad. It's your birth.

[Maria]

I'll do it with you.

[Burt]

No, he didn't do that.

[Caller]

Completely not. No. I was actually nice to him, but I just felt dirty after it.

[Burt]

I applaud you.

[Kevin]

That's the case where I could understand you not being attracted to him. But just like that is true sympathy.

[Jeff]

I absolutely applaud Bonnie. When all was said and done, did you feel a little skanky about the whole thing?

[Kevin]

She just said she did.

[Caller]

Absolutely.

[Jeff]

Thank you.

[Kevin]

What?

[Wendy]

Thank you for being sweet.

[Kevin]

But you're proven Bird's point, Jeff.

[Jeff]

What?

[Kevin]

Him saying that women can't do it because they feel skanky. He said, no, no, no, no.

[Burt]

Don't make her feeling volunteered sex for a guy out of compassion and that. Why are you talking that down?

[Jeff]

I'm not. I just want someone to acknowledge that it's skanky.

[Melissa]

It's not.

[Burt]

It's not. I don't think it's skanky.

[Melissa]

It's sympathetic.

[Kevin]

You know, the thing is, that's what she want. That's why Bonnie took so long to talk, because she wanted to make sure she's on the voice disguiser. So when is a woman not skanky but can offer a. How can she do it, Joe?

[Jeff]

After she's married and having sex with her husband, who's the guy she lost her virginity to?

[Burt]

Hey, Tiffany, you're on the voice disguiser. Go ahead.

[Jeff]

When do you think?

[Burt]

Go ahead.

[Caller]

Oh, yeah, I've seen this empathy sex before. To my friend, he had just broken up with his girlfriend. They've been going out for, like, I don't know, like, five years.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Caller]

And they broke up. He was really down, and I just. I felt so, so bad for him. And we've been friends for so long, and we're just so comfortable with each other that I was just like, let's just do it. Let's just get your mind off it. Let's just do it.

[Burt]

You were trying to build his confidence back, Right?

[Kevin]

Good for you. Were you attracted to him at all before that, while he was dating this other girl?

[Caller]

I mean, we were really close, but there was never anything, like, really emotional about it. It was like having a really close girlfriend with just a guy always really close.

[Melissa]

How was the sex?

[Caller]

It was great.

[Burt]

All right. See? It paid off. I hope you learned a valuable lesson here.

[Kevin]

She was waiting for her moment, and then when he broke up was, oh,

[Burt]

I don't care what your reason was for it. Good for you. And you were repaid with good sex. See everybody catching them.

[Melissa]

I'm now wondering how many guys use the sympathy card to get it serious.

[Wendy]

Now the tragedy.

[Melissa]

Did you make up?

[Burt]

Did you make up in order to have sex?

[Kevin]

How did you make yourself cry in order to get sympathy?

[Jeff]

There's going to be guys going home. I can't believe my dog died. You don't have a dog. Four times. You got four ferrets in a habit trail in the living room, you loser.

[Kevin]

Habit trail.

[Burt]

That's a reason to have sex with them right there. You have ferrets and a habit trail? Oh, you need sex.

[Jeff]

If you're an adult male with an operating habit trail has orange cubes attached to your wall. Yes, Somebody needs that.

[Melissa]

If you went home and he lived with his parents or you went home with him,

[Burt]

like the whole. Like a whole highway of it. Not just like one small pipe, but, like, all connecting and a whole city of habitrails.

[Melissa]

I'd rather see mom and dad sit on the couch.

[Jeff]

Hey, ladies, listen. Go to petsmart and wait to see a guy buying cedar chips, and that's the one you're gonna have sex with.

[Burt]

My mom and dad helped me put together this habit trail. They're just in the room right next door.

[Jeff]

You want to. You want to come upstairs and meet my Betta fish?

[Burt]

Hey, Sean, you're on Q100. Hi, Sean Yellow.

[Maria]

Hello.

[Jeff]

Hi.

[Burt]

Hello.

[Maria]

I'm Morgan, but. Okay.

[Burt]

Yes, you are.

[Maria]

I actually was calling because I married my husband after we had sympathy sex.

[Burt]

Oh, okay.

[Maria]

He was going. It was back in college, and he had a really big job interview and he didn't get it, and we were good friends, so I went over to make him dinner and we had some drinks. And then one thing led to another and we had sympathy sex and started dating. And then a couple years later, we got married. And now we've been married for five years.

[Burt]

So I'm assuming then and here. Ladies, I want you to hear this. I'm assuming the sympathy sex was good.

[Maria]

Yes, it was.

[Burt]

All right, so that's what we're hearing is, like.

[Melissa]

If you're thinking about it, gets the offer for sympathy sex. You better step it up.

[Burt]

You gotta put your hand.

[Maria]

I mean, it was. I guess he was trying to make up for his Sadness, but it was good sex, so I stuck around, and now we're married.

[Burt]

Good for you.

[Jeff]

If your husband's a smart man, he is applying for jobs and not getting them every single week. He's at cvs. I like to be a pharmacist, but I'm a felon. I used to be a drug dealer. Can I have a job? No.

[Burt]

Good morning, Q100.

[Maria]

What's up? I offered sympathy. Well, I didn't offer. He asked me for it. He's my friend for three years. He was having a hard time. He failed his class in school. I was passing my class. I felt bad for him. I still had my job. He lost his job. He came over for tutoring, so it was terrible, though. And in the morning, he tried to get up and ask for more, and I was like, hey, that was that night. That feeling gone, buddy.

[Burt]

Wait. I need to know something. I need to know the exact words he used when he asked you for sympathy sex, because that's about as low as it's gonna get. So I need to hear what he said.

[Maria]

Basically, just, like, just this one time or whatever. I've been just going through so much, you know? He had that anguished look on his face like he was just. Just going through so much, and he's like, family.

[Burt]

This is such a stressful time right now. I'm failing this, I'm failing that. So will you just have sex with me?

[Maria]

Basically, just this one time?

[Jeff]

Because you're his tutor, so he's like, you know what would really help me learn these books is if we took off all of our clothes and laid down together, and then we just did that.

[Burt]

When you said yes, did he say, really?

[Maria]

Yeah, you know what? He really didn't think it was going happen to. To work. And he looked so surprised for a second, and I was like, hey, we better hurry up and get this over with.

[Burt]

He won the vage lottery. He didn't think he was gonna. She was really gonna say, I love

[Kevin]

how he tried it again the next morning. Look, I'm still feeling better.

[Burt]

Hey, the bird show. Delete me makes it easy, quick, and safe to remove your personal data online. At a time when surveillance and data breaches are common enough to make everybody vulnerable, it is easier than ever to find personal information about people online. Having your address, your phone number, family members, names just hanging out there online, it's all pretty scary stuff, right? With delete me, you can protect your personal privacy or the privacy of your business from doxing attacks before sensitive information can be exploited. Look, I'm online all the time and it freaks me out that my info is out there. Take control of your data. Keep your private life private by signing up for Delete me now at a special discount just for you guys. Get 20% off your delete me plan. When you go to JoinDeleteMe.com Bert, use the promo code Bert at checkout. That's JoinDeleteMe.com Bert. Enter the code Bert B E R T at checkout.

[Weight Loss Advertiser]

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[Melissa]

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[Burt]

All right, like I said before, I think we've probably all been here. You know, you go out to like PF Chang. It's like the ultimate leftover food.

[Melissa]

Leftovers are almost better than the first time you have them.

[Kevin]

Yes, man.

[Burt]

Especially like P F Chang. So you have it on like on Wednesday night and you wrap it all up and you bring it into the office, you put it in the fridge. And all you can think about from 8 in the morning until noon is getting your hands on that kung pao chicken from P. F Chang's.

[Kevin]

Man, my leftover lunch day is gonna be good.

[Burt]

God, you open up the fridge expecting to see that styrofoam little container

[Maria]

and

[Burt]

it's missing, man, it's missing. You feel like doing an Amber alert or even worse.

[Kevin]

Even worse, if you have the container in there and you open it up and the food's gone. Like somebody took the time to take the container out, eat it, and put the container back in. That's happened before as well.

[Melissa]

Like that had my name on it either.

[Kevin]

That's the total middle finger of food stealing.

[Burt]

Jeff. And we used to have a dude on the show named Hoss. Went out one night and they both came back to the radio station late, late, late, late, late, late, late.

[Jeff]

In a taxi, no less. Because I had keys. You know, I left my keys with the valet, so I had an extra house key here at the station. So we both run upstairs, I get my key and the time it takes me to go into my office and get the key that I had, you know, hidden there and get back down to the cab. He had gone into the fridge and seriously made the most delicious smelling plate of something out of five different people's leftovers.

[Burt]

Gross. And now it's three in the morning and they've been drinking all night. So sober. Probably didn't taste good. But come Monday morning, there are five people from this radio station that open up the fridge to get their p. F. Changs or their chili's or whatever, and five of them gone, gone, gone, gone.

[Jeff]

Yeah, if I had. Yeah, if I. If I had a second fork, I would have tried it.

[Burt]

Abby's case. Just a little bit different here. Hey, Abby.

[Caller]

Hi.

[Burt]

Hi. You're on the voice disguiser.

[Caller]

Hi. Little different than PF Chang, but a little bit.

[Maria]

Just a little bit.

[Kevin]

Well, woman's breast milk is somebody else's PFG.

[Caller]

What's going on? So I had a baby about five months ago, went back to work, and I'm still breastfeeding. You know, do it for. Probably do it for about a year. And I. You guys know what a breast pump is? You know, during the day I'm not at home, so I need to pump milk for my baby when I get home after work. And I bring a little black, insulated, kind of lunchbox looking bag to work each day with the bottles. And I fill it up during the day as I pump. And you have to have it refrigerated. And there's a lunch or a refrigerator in the lunchroom. So I, you know, I do my pumping in my office and I put it in little bottles in the fridge at work. So, you know, like any lunchroom, everyone's got their lunch boxes in the fridge. And I never would think that someone would go into mine at my workplace unless they opened it by accident or something like that. So one day I was walking by my lunchroom on my way to my office, and I saw this older guy who I worked with. Maybe he's in a different office than me, but we share the same lunchroom. Opening up my little black satchel in the fridge. I thought nothing of it. I thought he probably thought it was his. And I kept walking by. And then after that, every time I would go in there to fill up the bag with fresh milk. I don't know if I was crazy, but I started thinking there was less milk in each bottle. You know, you only squeeze out a little bit at a time. It's a lot of work. But I just had this feeling that there was just a little bit less. So last week, grabbed my lunch that I also keep in the fridge near my black breast milk bag, and I sat down at my desk and I had this weird feeling that my, you know, I thought about it, like, did I just see my black breast milk bag in the fridge? And I was thinking, I don't think I saw it. So I ran back into the lunchroom and I double checked the cooler. The black bag was in there, but it was moved, or I thought it was moved to a different, you know, shelf in the fridge. I always put it on the same place every day. So I started throughout last week to keep exact track of the milk in each of the little bottles, you know, by the ounce, like, exactly. I knew exactly where it was. Okay, someone is taking the milk out of those little bottles. It's there, but there's a little less every day, every throughout the day in each of the little bottles. I may be insane, but I'm not sure if it's him. He's kind of a creepy dude. He doesn't really, you know, he doesn't really talk to anybody. Kind of does his thing. And I don't know if this is a fetish or if he knows it's breast milk or what he thinks it is. If it's him. I'm completely grossed out because I'm giving this to my baby. At the end of the day, Is

[Kevin]

it pretty clear that I'm trying to think of the containers. It pretty clear that that's.

[Caller]

It's a bottle.

[Kevin]

Okay, so it is.

[Caller]

Well, even if it's not, that's what it looks like. It's a bottle.

[Melissa]

It's a baby bottle.

[Kevin]

Okay.

[Caller]

But they're in the bag. So someone. He obviously had opened it one time by accident, or somebody did and thought, I don't know what they got. And what do I. This is weird. Do I buy my own refrigerator, put it in my office? Am I crazy?

[Kevin]

There was a guy here years ago who actually had this wooden box with a lock on it, and he'd put his stuff in there and lock it up so that nobody would take it, because, yeah, it's obviously a consistent problem throughout companies where people do that. But, I mean, if it's a bottle and he's having to go into a container to grab it, it's unlike it being in some kind of other container sitting in the door where people think, oh, it's milk. I'll just put in my coffee real quick. But he's having to go dig for this.

[Burt]

Is there a way to, like, politically, correctly, like, send out some kind of mass email?

[Jeff]

Please don't drink my breast milk.

[Burt]

Just want to let everybody in the office know what's in that. You know, that that satchel is breast milk.

[Jeff]

Who wouldn't know that it's in baby bottles?

[Burt]

I mean, everybody knows, but you're still. I mean, you're making it known that, you know, somebody else is jacking with your breast milk.

[Jeff]

You go to Best Buy today, you

[Caller]

know, like a posting, because people have done. Like, you guys were talking about eating each other's food, saying, be respectful of each other's lunches in here. And so we're aware it's a big office and we share the space.

[Jeff]

There's a weird, creepy dude in your office. You go to Best Buy today, and you spend 150 bucks on one of those dorm fridges that we all had in college, and you put it under the corner of your desk in your office, and you put a plan on top of it, and you put your boob milk in there, and that's it.

[Kevin]

I do think you should send the email out, though, Bert. Going back to Bert's suggestion, because that way everybody else is called out on it. Like, you talk about how that's. Like, everybody else in the office realizes somebody stealing breast milk out of this black container in the fridge. So everybody's in the break room looking for somebody to do that.

[Burt]

Yeah, he'll never be Able to go in there ever again and put his hands on that. Because everybody is going to know.

[Kevin]

Because you're fascinated by that. If they said that in this office, we would all be camped out.

[Burt]

Oh, yeah.

[Kevin]

Watching for the person.

[Jeff]

Hey, do you have.

[Melissa]

Do you think he's just going in there and, like, sniffing at.

[Burt]

Oh, she says it's missing.

[Melissa]

And then, like, taking a little sip.

[Kevin]

You know what he's doing? Like, he's doing like Katie does with wine. Okay. He's swirling and he's finishing it.

[Melissa]

He's like, God, putting it in a

[Kevin]

cup and twirling it around and around so it can breathe.

[Jeff]

Do you think he brings a fine cheese?

[Kevin]

No, he makes the cheese out of the breast.

[Wendy]

No, Jeff, he puts it in his Lucky Charms. Okay.

[Maria]

No way.

[Burt]

Oreos. You dip it in the Oreos and

[Kevin]

then it turns out the color of the Oreo.

[Burt]

Hey, Robert. Good morning. Hey, Robert. Go ahead.

[Caller]

Yes. We were having an issue similar to this. Well, wasn't breast milk. It was our beer and beer.

[Weight Loss Advertiser]

It was.

[Jeff]

Your breast gives beer.

[Burt]

That is amazing.

[Caller]

We have a. We live out in the country, and we have refrigerator outside. We keep cake pieces of beer in. So during the summertime, we sit around, drink beer. Well, we lock the refrigerator. They break the lock. They'd steal the beer. We'd put a chain around it. They cut it, steal the beer. So we decided that we would refill the beers with leftover beer.

[Burt]

Oh, you're urinated in the bottles.

[Caller]

Yes, ma'. Am. Three cases of bottles. Recapped them, put on a stolen one Saturday night.

[Kevin]

Yep.

[Caller]

And they do not steal our beer anymore.

[Burt]

So they knew exactly what they were drinking.

[Caller]

Oh, well, I don't know if they knew it or not, but I'm sure

[Burt]

that was big pill the next day. Didn't we have somebody in this office do something like that?

[Kevin]

A friend of mine when I worked at Turner did that where she had orange juice. And she was more offended by the fact that they would take her orange juice every morning and drink half of it and put it back in the fridge instead of just taking the whole thing. She's like, why aren't you drinking it? And think, I'm gonna finish it off. And she did that. She went in the bathroom and filled it back up and sealed it.

[Jeff]

Cory did it with his toaster waffle.

[Burt]

Yeah, but he didn't say exactly what he did. Right? Didn't he just put out a. He put out, like, a memo saying, I just want to let you know if you stole my pizza or whatever.

[Melissa]

It was.

[Burt]

I did something to it. I'm just not going to tell you what it was.

[Jeff]

He's spitting it. I thought he farted on it.

[Melissa]

No, he didn't say. He never said what he did.

[Jeff]

He told us privately after the fact.

[Maria]

He did he spit in it?

[Jeff]

I thought he unwrapped it and farted on it. But either one, I thought he did

[Burt]

the old pluck and drop.

[Melissa]

I did.

[Wendy]

That's even worse.

[Kevin]

He probably didn't do anything, but I love the theory.

[Jeff]

Yes.

[Burt]

Hey, Beth, good morning. You're part of the Burt Show.

[Maria]

Oh, hi.

[Burt]

Hey.

[Maria]

No, I'm actually breastfeeding my baby now, but I was going to tell the caller that the milk will stay fresh for, like, up to 10 hours without refrigeration. So if I were her, I wouldn't even put it in there.

[Caller]

Yeah, I just get weird about that. I don't know. I want to keep it as cold. I don't want any possibility of anything weird happening to it.

[Kevin]

Well, something weird's happening to it.

[Burt]

Yeah, something's weird happening to it. Right now.

[Kevin]

It's going down a dude's throat.

[Melissa]

Ew.

[Jeff]

Ew.

[Melissa]

Tasty.

[Burt]

Hey, Jen. Good morning. Good morning. Here on the Burt Show.

[Maria]

Good morning. I don't. I don't wonder that there is somebody at the office that might be offended by her leaving breast milk in the fridge.

[Burt]

Well, tough.

[Jeff]

Why would they be offended by that? And if they're so offended by that, why would they touch it?

[Maria]

I don't know. But, you know, they. They might be bothered by it enough that they're either, you know, just wanting to aggravate it or, you know, get rid of it.

[Burt]

Yeah. Who knows? If he's drinking it, Maybe he's just, like, slowly pouring it out.

[Maria]

Well, that's just.

[Kevin]

Let's go with that rather than dumb, meticulous thing to do.

[Weight Loss Advertiser]

I'll get her.

[Kevin]

I'll. Just a few drops at a time.

[Melissa]

She'll get the points.

[Jeff]

Yeah, I know. What I'll do is I'll make her think she's drying up. She's going to be a withered cow of a woman by the time I'm done with her.

[Burt]

Hey, Carrie. Go ahead. You're part of the virtual.

[Maria]

Okay. I'd be so afraid to give that to my child. At the end of the day, I would not be putting it in that fridge anymore. It's probably painted.

[Burt]

Yeah, I think you gotta just go out and get the cooler and don't even worry about the rest of this.

[Jeff]

Yeah, maybe he's not Drinking it. Maybe he's just dipping his. No. No parts in.

[Burt]

It doesn't matter with you.

[Melissa]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Jeff]

I'm just saying anything's possible.

[Burt]

Go out and get the cooler. Okay.

[Melissa]

I would tell your HR department about it, too. Cause they could get just enough interested to maybe put a. A camera above that fridge.

[Burt]

I would love that.

[Melissa]

Wouldn't you want to know?

[Burt]

That would be my CTV right there.

[Kevin]

Put a little nanny cam on the counter. Do it.

[Jeff]

Or at least buy the guy a little Nesquik.

[Burt]

Yeah, this is really on you, not him. Why don't you make it more comfortable for him?

[Kevin]

Strawberry. Yeah, exactly.

[Maria]

Strawberry.

[Burt]

Happy, we gotta run.

[Jeff]

Chocolates. I mean, you get that anywhere with strawberry breast milk. That is a delicacy. Save that.

[Caller]

All of it.

[Burt]

All of it.

[Maria]

Yes.

[Burt]

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[Melissa]

restrictions, visit borhearst.com With Vrbo's last minute deals, you can save over $50 on your spring getaway. So whether it's a mountain escape or city break or a week at the beach, there's still time to get great discounts. Book your next day Now. Average savings $72 select homes only Wendy, what's going on?

[Wendy]

Not much. Well, I have a new group of friends in my life and a great group of girlfriends especially. And I don't know if it's really an issue, if it's just funny, or maybe I can maybe help her get off of doing this habit. But it came prevalent over the weekend that every time me or one of my other girlfriend thought a guy was cute, this one friend would call dibs. What would call dibs on the guy that we thought was cute?

[Melissa]

Wait, and this happened more than one time?

[Weight Loss Advertiser]

Yes.

[Burt]

You have to explain what dibs are because dibs don't happen in a guy's world.

[Wendy]

Like call dibs. Like call. Like, that would be my guy. Like I like that guy.

[Burt]

As soon as you walk in, you see a good looking guy, you can he's yours. And all the girls staking claim.

[Melissa]

It's not just saying I call dibs. Like, you could say that guy is really hot, but it's really the first one to the punch. It's like, okay, you got to give them the first chance.

[Jeff]

Like putting a flag in the new planet.

[Melissa]

Exactly right.

[Wendy]

And you can't go after that guy.

[Burt]

So the first one that notices him in the girl group and she's thinking

[Melissa]

about it like, ooh, I want to go talk to him later.

[Burt]

Then all hands are supposed to be off. The other girls aren't supposed to approach that guy or anything really.

[Melissa]

She's the first one to it.

[Wendy]

She stuck her claim, so that's going to be her guy. And over the course,

[Melissa]

you know what?

[Kevin]

It's we understand drama and we know how to diffuse the drama.

[Wendy]

Okay, so we're sitting at this Patio. Just having a great time. And I get there first before the other girls get there. And I spotted this really hot guy walk in, and I called my friend. I was like, oh, my God, I can't wait for you guys to get here. There's this really cute boy. I'll have to see him. He's really attractive. Well, I'll have to talk to him later. And she gets there and she's like, oh, I know that guy from, like, two months ago. Like, he's really hot. And he had a thing for me a while ago. And I was like, okay, okay, I understand. Then that's your guy. Well, then another guy comes into the place a couple of hours later, and I'm like, well, that guy's really cute. Maybe I'll go talk to him.

[Melissa]

Oh, yeah, I know that guy.

[Wendy]

We. I mean, he was gonna take me on a date a couple weeks, and I'm like, oh, okay. And then the next guy. Three in the same guys in one night. And then the last guy, like, that guy's really attractive. And I started talking to him. Well, then she ends up talking to him later on at the end of the night.

[Melissa]

So she didn't respect your dibs?

[Wendy]

No. Whatever disrespected my dib.

[Burt]

You know what you need to do when you pull up, like, East Andrews before you walk in, you just need to say, every guy in this place is hot. That way, every guy is yours.

[Wendy]

I'm about to say every guy is not hot just so I can, like, call my own dibs. But I don't really know how to stop the problem. I don't even know if it is an issue. I just think it's kind of funny and quirky. But for in one night and then on, she has a name.

[Melissa]

You know, in a lot of groups of friends, she's the attention hound. She's the one that, like, always has to, like, go get the attention from the guys. She can't just sit back and let you get attention.

[Wendy]

And how do I deal with that?

[Melissa]

I don't know.

[Burt]

This is a subject I've got zero experience in. This is typically a girl thing here. How do dudes handle it? We get in the bar, we see a hottie. I may point her out to you. But if you go first, you go first.

[Jeff]

Yeah. There's no such thing as dibs.

[Burt]

Whoever makes the approach makes the approach.

[Jeff]

Yeah, because it's generally the girl's selection. It's the girl who picks what guy she wants. Like, as much as a guy could say, yeah, I want that girl if she's not into you.

[Melissa]

Cause it's almost like. It's like when a girl calls dibs and say, okay, so Bert, all of us are hanging out, and Melissa's called dibs on you. Well, if you come over and start talking to us and say you're flirting it up with Wendy, and Wendy's kind of digging you, too, but Melissa already called dibs. It's almost like this disloyalty to her friend for her to flirt with you. Even though you don't know Melissa or Wendy, none of y' all have ever met before, so it's kind of confusing for guys because Wendy could be into you, but because Melissa called dibs, she's not gonna go there.

[Burt]

See, now, in the guy world, here's how it's a little bit different. That if she's showing attraction to somebody else in the group, it's the dude's responsibility to back off and let the other guy get what he can, right?

[Wendy]

But in girl world, that causes a whole bunch of drama. That's why you just have to let it go.

[Jeff]

So, you know, in girl world, everything is a whole bunch of drama.

[Wendy]

I mean, I really don't try to cause a lot of drama in my life, but that's like, if that's one thing you have to steer clear of or there'll be a big old girl fight.

[Melissa]

Definitely. Well, and it's not fair that this girl's calling more than one dibs because you can't do that more than once in a night.

[Burt]

You can't. You have to. That's like. So you got, like, one card, one

[Melissa]

dibs card on the playground, playing with all the toys. Like, all of these are mine.

[Burt]

Right?

[Melissa]

You know, you can't do that. You can pick your one toy and say, that's going to be mine for the day to play, but you can't say, all of these toys are mine. You got to share, Please.

[Wendy]

I mean, they're attractive guys.

[Burt]

Good morning, Christy. You're on Q100.

[Maria]

Hi. How are you doing?

[Burt]

Okay. How are you?

[Maria]

I'm good. Well, I just wanted to say that that is so true. And, Bert, it's something that, like, you don't have any idea about that department, because it's true. I mean, we have a friend in our group who's just like that. She kind of has to call dibs on every guy.

[Caller]

See?

[Melissa]

No, no, only once.

[Maria]

And it's kinda so stupid because the thing is, it's all her imagination, and she. She thinks that every guy Likes her. So she's like. Like, we see a cute guy or something, and we're like, oh, you know, I think I. And she's like, oh, yeah, yeah. Well, he. He likes me. He. Yeah, he takes me all the time and blah, blah. And she does that about every guy. So it's like, if she puts dibs on every guy, then it's like we're left with nothing because we respect her dudes, you know?

[Burt]

So let me get this straight. So, Christy, you're at. You're at a bar and you call dibs on some dude. You're halfway through the night if he never approaches you, but he approaches Wendy when it's Wendy's responsibility to. To back off so you can have a shot at the guy.

[Melissa]

Mm.

[Maria]

Okay. If I like the guy. Okay.

[Jeff]

And she's trying to find an explanation,

[Maria]

basically, Wendy has to back down because I claim that I liked him first.

[Burt]

So it's hands on. So it's hands off no matter. Matter what. Once somebody claims that's stupid, and then

[Melissa]

the only time that it's gonna change is if Wendy and her had to talk about it, like, the next day, right? Like, hey, I know you said you like this guy, but you guys haven't seen each other in a while. Like, I just want you to know I think he was interested in me. He was asking for my phone number. I think he's really cool. Would it be cool with you if I go out with him?

[Burt]

You gotta get permission to be an

[Maria]

adult and be like, okay, you know. You know, it's kind of stupid. And, you know, I don't.

[Melissa]

You know, she's got it back down

[Maria]

from her dance is off. Then it's, like, completely off. Then it's Wendy's.

[Caller]

Dude.

[Burt]

Y' all are so complicated. So you have to get. You have to get the green light from your friend to date a guy that she's never even dated or may not even have his phone number. Yes.

[Maria]

What?

[Weight Loss Advertiser]

It cuts the whole scene.

[Kevin]

He had to, like, wait the. The terms that you guys. You complicate games. You know, like, if you're in a competition, you have games. There's all these rules to Yalls games. So this is a game, and this is. Is the rules.

[Jeff]

But the rules and the games make sense.

[Kevin]

No, they don't. They don't.

[Jeff]

This doesn't make any sense. You have a rule that essentially says if a guy likes a girl and the girl likes the guy, they can't talk to each other because another girl likes the guy.

[Melissa]

How does that rule Starts very early in, like, middle school.

[Jeff]

Yeah, but how does that rule make any sense?

[Melissa]

How can that help?

[Kevin]

It helps keep the pen between the women.

[Burt]

Here's where I think it all boils down to, Jeff. Like in a guy's circle, yes, Priority number one is for us to get physical with a girl. But if we can't, then slightly underneath that there's an appreciation for at least our boy is getting some, right? So we're willing to back off and just so our friends can get a little something, something, something. Whereas y' all are totally different. You're like, this is mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine. And I'd rather you be alone. Then you take any guy that I have any kind of interest in.

[Jeff]

So at any given bar at night, at any given bar at night, there is a guy. Let's say he's Burt. He's single Burt. Right. Which he is for a few weeks. Anyways.

[Burt]

Hey, what's up?

[Jeff]

So he's single Burt, and he's out at the bar and he sees. And the three of you are standing there, and he looks over and he sees Melissa. And the magic happens like it does every day during the 5:30 news. You know, the sparkles are, you know, whatever. And he comes over and he works at hard from 5:30 to 10:00 clock at that bar. He is working Melissa, but nothing happens. And he just can't figure it out. It's probably because when Burt walked in, Wendy leaned over to Melissa and went, wow, look at that guy. I like him. And no matter what he does, Melissa will not cross that boundary, especially if

[Melissa]

they're really good friends. That's such crap.

[Jeff]

And it makes no sense.

[Kevin]

I mean, it's. It's more of an emotional thing like attention, where we're trying to help our friend. We're trying to help our friend if she likes the guy, that we're going to do everything we can to help her get the attention from this guy.

[Burt]

Hey, Stephanie. Good morning. You're on Q100 or you're not.

[Jeff]

Push to talk. Stephanie, Sierra, good Morning.

[Burt]

You're on Q100.

[Maria]

Good morning.

[Burt]

Hi.

[Maria]

It is so true. And see, when I go out with my girlfriends, instead of calling dib, I just keep it to myself. If I see a guy that I like, I just don't think that the reason I go after him when nobody's

[Burt]

saying, but what if your friend says something about a dude that you think's hot?

[Maria]

I won't go after him.

[Burt]

You won't? You back out?

[Maria]

No.

[Kevin]

Yeah, it's Rude.

[Burt]

Yep, it's rude.

[Jeff]

And drama.

[Wendy]

It's unnecessary drama.

[Burt]

How can all of us, all the sexes, be in the same place at the same time and see a scene so differently and have such different rules?

[Kevin]

God's little joke.

[Burt]

It is. I don't think it's so funny.

[Melissa]

I do think, like, with Wendy's concern with her friend, I do think that there's rules on calling dibs.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

I mean, that is crap that she's calling it on every single cute guy that comes around you guys, or that's hanging by the pool or whatever. You can really only use that once. And then if that's the guy you're gonna call dibs on, you're gonna see him a whole bunch. You gotta stick with it. You can't switch it up on the dibs.

[Burt]

You know, if you're a dude and you're smart, you walk into a bar with, like, a shirt that says dibbler or you're not allowed to dib me. Don't call dibs on this.

[Jeff]

Dibs aren't spoken. You can't do that because the dib is an unspoken rule.

[Melissa]

So, like, yeah, like. But say we're, like, all going out. We're all gonna be in mixed groups or whatever, and I call dibs on Jeff. Like, the next time we all hang out in the same group, I can't call dibs on then Bert and then dibs. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's gotta stick to the same

[Burt]

want does the dibs.

[Jeff]

Don't call dibs on me. It's not fair to the other women in the world.

[Burt]

Does dibs last forever? So if you call dibs on Jeff, nothing happens to you when you're at East Andrews. But then a couple of weeks later, you see him five paces unless you

[Kevin]

have a conversation with him.

[Burt]

So you've got lifetime dibs.

[Melissa]

Lifetime dibs on chat. Unless Melissa comes to me and says, listen, I know you've liked him for a while, but nothing's really happening with you guys. And he's totally macking on me, and I want to go out with them.

[Burt]

Dude, live.

[Melissa]

We can let it go.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Jacked up.

[Kevin]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

You guys are ruining the reproductive process.

[Kevin]

We're doing what?

[Jeff]

Ruining the reproductive process.

[Burt]

Hey, Nancy. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Maria]

Hey. I was telling her that sometimes I listen to y' all and I think I'm too old. I'm gonna go to the oldie station, and I always come back. But this is like an ongoing thing because men play Team sports. So it's. If the girl doesn't like you, you're. You're taking one for the team. But a girl, if you take her dibs. We're competitive, and you're saying, I'm hotter than you till you go have a conversation and you reassure your friend she's still hot. He's just dumb or whatever. And then, because for a girl, you. Whether you ever met. And I mean, I'm. I'm old. I'm 41, and this is on. Go on. I mean, this is a forever thing. I mean, my mom and her friends probably have this rule from. Because you're, like, saying you're hotter than that girl because girls don't take one for the team.

[Burt]

And that's really what the bottom line is, is that you have to be perceived as the hottest girl in the group.

[Melissa]

No, you don't want to be perceived as that.

[Maria]

If you go and take her dip, you are saying you are the hottest in the unspoken girl world.

[Burt]

Good gosh.

[Wendy]

It's very complicated.

[Maria]

A guy is just glad that his. His boy. His teammate is. I mean, he's taken one for the team. He's. He's letting the second stringer see.

[Melissa]

And when we take a backseat to the dibs, then we're being a team player on the girl team.

[Kevin]

We're helping our girl.

[Burt]

Right,

[Jeff]

but wouldn't you be helping your girl? Like, wouldn't Wendy be helping Melissa and bird head that situation existence up by seeing it that night and just going up to Melissa and going, hey, you got to get into him. He's the guy. I said it was hot earlier. Isn't that helping your girl?

[Kevin]

Well, no, If a girl says dibs on a guy, I mean, because you think that we just walk into a bar and say, oh, dibs. I mean, you got.

[Burt]

I mean, really, you better take it seriously. If you only get one. Well, allegedly only get one.

[Kevin]

Women are giving dibs on a guy. She really likes this dude or she really thinks he's hot.

[Burt]

It's a lifetime commitment, so you have to.

[Kevin]

So same D. You're being sarcastic, but whatever. So saying dibs. So saying dibs is asking for your

[Jeff]

friend's help for all eternity. It's like a Mormon wedding.

[Kevin]

So it's not just, you know, it's like, I got dibs on this guy, but there's this unspoken okay, the girl's, okay, we're gonna help her get him.

[Melissa]

Like, okay, One of my boyfriend's friends right now has been flirting with a friend of mine for, like, A year they've never hooked up. Whatever they both would ever been in different situations, whatever none of my other single friends would ever go after. This guy is nutty. No, he's been talking about how they've

[Burt]

been flirting for like a year.

[Jeff]

Is there some sort of dibs? Disclosure? I would like to know who has dibs on me.

[Burt]

Probably not.

[Jeff]

Here.

[Wendy]

Dinner time.

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[Melissa]

cap apply with Blue Cash prefer.

[Kevin]

Are you really buying a car online on Auto Trader right now?

[Weight Loss Advertiser]

Really?

[Kevin]

At a playground?

[Melissa]

Yeah, really? Look at these listings from dealers. Wow.

[Kevin]

Your search can really get that specific.

[Weight Loss Advertiser]

Really?

[Kevin]

And you just put in your info and boom, car's in your budget.

[Maria]

Mom needs a second.

[Kevin]

Honey, you can really have it delivered.

[Weight Loss Advertiser]

Really? Or I can pick it up at the dealership. One sec, sweetie. Mommy's buying a car.

[Kevin]

Mommy, look. I think your kid is walking up the slide.

[Weight Loss Advertiser]

Kyle, again, really?

[Melissa]

Buy your car online.

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