The Bert Show — Full Show PT 2: Tuesday, March 31 [Vault] Air Date: March 31, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives into three major topics: a listener’s dilemma after discovering his date is a self-identified witch, another listener’s relationship challenge when her long-term boyfriend’s parents have never heard of her, and a frank discussion about startling statistics around kids and sexual activity. The cast and callers bring humor, empathy, and open-mindedness as they unpack relationships, social perceptions, and hard realities of parenting in today’s world.

1. "I Went on a Date with a Witch" — Openness, Stigma, and Wiccan Truths

[01:17–13:40]

Key Discussion Points

• Caller Ryan’s Dilemma: Ryan recounts a fun first date that takes a turn when his date later confesses over email that she’s a witch. Unsure what that means, he seeks the cast’s opinions and community input.
• Misconceptions Around Witchcraft: The team discusses stereotypes, with jokes about TV witches and Hollywood’s influence.
• Calls from the Wiccan Community: A Wiccan priest and a Wiccan community member, Shelly, weigh in to correct mythology and describe real Wiccan beliefs and practices.
  • Wicca is a real religion and not inherently “evil” or about “casting evil spells.”
  • Wicca is nature-centered, with daily life and holidays structured around the cycles of nature (sabbats and esbats).
  • The core ethical principle: “Ye harm none, do what ye will."
  • No requirement for partners to convert or practice.
• Accepting Differences in Dating: The cast and participants encourage Ryan to approach the relationship with curiosity and honesty, noting that open conversations are key when worldviews differ.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Hollywood Witches:
  “It really all depends on how hot she is... if she’s Alyssa Milano and she says she’s a witch, you’re like, ‘No worries.”
  —Ryan Birch (Host), [04:04]

• On Wiccan Beliefs:
  “Wiccans celebrate the universe and nature. So every day that we wake up, we are in our church.”
  —Wiccan Priest, [06:27]

• Ethical Code:
  “Their main law is: Ye harm none, do what ye will.”
  —Shelly (Wiccan Community Member), [11:15]

• Ryan’s Resolution:
  “You know, I think I’m actually kind of relieved by the last two folks... I think I will call her back.”
  —Ryan (Caller), [12:19]

2. “Why Has My Boyfriend’s Parents Never Heard of Me?” — Secrets, Surprises, and Racial Underpinnings

[14:21–26:19]

Key Discussion Points

• Meg’s Concern: Meg’s been with her boyfriend Brian for a year and a half, he’s always at her place, but his parents (who live in Colorado) don’t know she exists. She tries to surprise him by offering to fly them down for his birthday, only for his mother to respond, “I’ve never heard of you.”
• Suspicions and Theories: The team unpacks possible reasons—Is there another girlfriend? Is Brian hiding something? Does race or religion play a role? Meg is half Black, Brian is white.
• Importance of Communication: The cast broadly agrees that the surprise is no longer the priority; Meg deserves answers.
• Racial Issues: Both listeners and cast members share stories of interracial relationships and the sometimes unspoken (or explicit) bias that still surfaces in families.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Being a Secret:
  “Well, he…would lie and be like, yeah, my mom said to tell you hi. I said hi.”
  —Meg (Caller), [22:00]

• Potential for Racial Bias:
  “It’s because she’s half Black. I have friends…their parents were cool with Black friends, but the minute they brought home a girlfriend who was half Black or Black, things just went berserk.”
  —Keisha (Caller), [22:20]

• Personal Experience:
  “I brought Chandra home, who’s Black, and my mom cornered me and said, ‘You’re about to change our bloodline forever.’”
  —Ryan Birch (Host), [22:51]

• Advice for Meg:
  “Tell them the story…‘Why have you lied to me? Why have you lied to your parents about me?’ And just have him answer the question.”
  —Jen (Co-host), [24:01]

3. Kids, Sex, and When to Have “The Talk” — Honest Parenting in a Changing World

[28:22–38:01]

Key Discussion Points

• Shocking Statistics: Host Ryan shares findings from a University of Texas study—12% of 12-year-olds have had sex, 8% have engaged in oral sex, 1 in 15 have had anal sex, and 1 in 3 sexually active middle schoolers have had unprotected sex in the last 90 days. UK study: 1 in 3 girls ages 6–10 have looked at porn online.
• Real Stories: Listeners call in with experiences of early exposure via babysitters, bus drivers reporting sexual activity on school buses, and a seventh-grader’s report on pregnancy rates in her school.
• Peer Pressure: Discussion on friend circles as major influencing factors for early sexual activity.
• Parental Avoidance: The team highlights that awkward conversations are being neglected, pushing kids towards earlier sexual experiences. Urge to have ‘the talk’ before age 12 is emphasized.
• Parenting Reflections: The hosts reflect on their own discomfort and the need to face facts about today’s world rather than idealize a vanished childhood innocence.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Modern Childhood:
  “I think what’s so sad is they’re not allowed to be kids. Like, 12-year-olds should still be a kid…It’s sad that they’re having to deal with such adult things so young, stealing their childhood.”
  —Caller, [30:38]

• UK Porn Statistic:
  “One in three girls, all girls between the ages of six and ten…admit that they have looked at porn sites.”
  —Jen (Co-host), [31:30]

• The Critical Conversation:
  “It’s like we avoid any kind of conversation that’s going to be uncomfortable…parents don’t want to have the awkward conversation with their kids. And the result is they’re having sex at 12 years old. That’s crazy.”
  —Ryan Birch (Host), [34:11]

• Peer Pressure in Adolescence:
  “When you’re a teenager, the most important thing in the world is to be accepted by your friends and to feel cool. So if that’s what your group is doing, whatever your kids’ friends are doing, that’s what your kids are doing too.”
  —Caller, [36:28]

Important Segment Timestamps

• Witch Date Dilemma – [01:17–13:40]
• Boyfriend’s Parents Don’t Know Meg Exists – [14:21–26:19]
• Kids & Sex: Statistics and Parenting Advice – [28:22–38:01]

Overall Tone & Takeaways

The Bert Show approaches serious issues with characteristic humor and empathy. Key themes include:

• The importance of communication and honesty in relationships—romantic and familial.
• The need to dispel myths and misconceptions, whether about alternative religions or partner backgrounds.
• A wake-up call for parents to confront changing social realities around kids and sexuality, rather than hiding from awkward conversations.

While the show entertains, it underlines that acceptance, open-mindedness, and honest dialogue are essential, whether navigating the supernatural in dating, interracial romance, or the complexities of raising kids in a hyper-connected world.