The Bert Show — Full Show PT 2: Tuesday, November 18 [Vault]

Originally aired: November 18, 2025
Cast Features: Bert, Kristen, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Jen, Melissa, Ryan, Hoss, and multiple listeners/callers

Main Theme & Purpose

This episode blends authentic laughter with real-life confessions and classic Bert Show banter. The main segment revolves around the cast anonymously sharing their closely guarded secrets, followed by an intense, empathetic listener call-in about a long-term affair. The aim is to offer both relatability and escape, mixing entertainment with moments of vulnerability.

1. The Bert Show Cast Confessions

(Starts around 01:39; segment runs till ~15:31)

Segment Overview

The crew decides to shake up the routine by bringing anonymous secrets, placing them in a bag, and having them read aloud. The buildup is playful but nervous, with everyone uncertain about the revelations and the potential for lighthearted embarrassment or real surprises.

Key Discussion Points:

• Working Relationships & Proximity

  • The cast shares how closely they work—four hours on-air plus another hour off-air—suggesting they know each other better than even their own families.
    Quote (Bert, 01:47): “I spend more time with you people for sure than I do my own family.”

• Secrets Game Rules

  • Each secret is typed and anonymized, to keep guessing to a minimum (though everyone suspects it’ll devolve into playful accusations).

Notable Secrets Read Aloud

• Vengeful College Prank:
  “When I was in college, I helped my roommate’s ex get my roommate in trouble...I gave the ex keys to my roommate’s car, they hid drugs in the ashtray, and called campus security. My roommate was arrested.”

  • The group is simultaneously shocked and impressed by the ingenuity and maliciousness.
  • Quote (Ryan, 05:02): “This is not a learning episode.”

• Self-Doubt Exposed:
  “I’m a fraud. I’m not as confident and happy as I portray myself to be.”

  • The team debates if they can guess who wrote it, with comedic deflections.
  • Quote (Melissa, 06:18): “You’re right. Charlie Brown over here.”

• Friend Marriage Opinion:
  “I think one of my friends would be better off divorced.”

  • Universally relatable; most admit to thinking this at some point.

• Scandalous Collection:
  “I once had a collection that consisted of the underwear of everybody I slept with.”

  • Jen: “That is so good.” (07:20)
  • Leads to playful speculations about whether it’s a “guy thing.”

• Childhood Theft:
  “When I was 13 years old, at my grandmother’s around Christmas, I found a card with a hundred bucks and took it. Hid it with my underwear.”

  • The group cracks up, linking it to the earlier underwear confession.

• Overlapping Romantic Interests:
  “My best friend and I slept with the same person.”

  • The crew wonders if it happened concurrently.

• Workplace Crush:
  “I am attracted to someone I work with.”

  • The team teasingly speculates, then pivots to discussing baseball player crushes—leading to a funny bit about “little Marcus Giles.”

• Friend’s Affair Preference:
  “My friend had an affair, and I liked who they were having the affair with better than who they were married to.”

  • Everyone agrees this is better left anonymous.

Memorable Moments

• Playful ribbing about “little” baseball players (10:01–11:30).
• Intense moments of eye contact and giggling to guess who confessed what.
• Philosophical exchanges about whether anyone really knows anyone.

2. Dramatic Listener Call-In: The Long Affair

(Main segment starts at 15:31, continues through ~37:45)

Segment Overview

A unique call from “Mike” unveils a tangled web of love, affairs, marriage, and difficult choices. The hosts provide a real-time, no-holds-barred group counseling session—sometimes empathetic, other times blunt.

Key Story Beats

• Backstory (18:10–22:00)

  • “Mike” is 29, married for five years, has a four-year-old son, and has secretly been seeing his “soulmate” Anne (whom he’s known since age 14) for four years—the affair started just before (or as) his wife was pregnant.
  • Anne is now engaged to another man, which has prompted his crisis.

• Emotional Honesty & Rationalization

  • Mike insists, “I’m happily married...But I can’t let Ann get engaged.”
  • The hosts challenge him on the “soulmate” argument.

• Group’s Reactions

  • Bert is especially irritated by Mike’s moral logic, calling out the self-centeredness and the insult to both women.
    Quote (Bert, 25:02): “You’re deceiving your wife all these years. If she was your soulmate, you would have been with her this whole time.”
  • Melissa and Jen emphasize that the need to “make a choice” is inevitable, and that Mike’s anger is just jealousy now that Ann is moving on.

Listeners Weigh In (28:07 onward)

• Callers express strong opinions, universally condemning the deceit.
• Key caller (Alika) brings the fire:
  Quote (Alika, 30:36): “I need you to hang up on this self disaster. I need for him to never say again that he is happy with his wife and he loves her because that’s BS…”

Advice & Frustration

• Bert and Melissa refuse to “coach” Mike further until he takes actual responsibility.
• Mike admits he won't leave his wife even if Anne’s engagement ends.
  • Quote (Jen, 36:50): “Then your decision’s made. End it.”
• The hosts grow exasperated with Mike’s lack of accountability.
  • Quote (Bert, 35:46): “You made a hundred decisions to get where you are right now—100 bad decisions.”
  • The segment closes with the realization that Mike wants affirmation for a choice he’s unwilling to make.

Overall Tone

• Blunt, exasperated, and deeply honest—reflecting a collective frustration with infidelity and the rationalizations that often come with it.

3. “Hoss Needs Friends” – New Guy in Town

(Segment starts around 39:36; runs through ~50:43)

Segment Overview

The crew introduces “Hoss,” who’s just moved to Atlanta from Charlotte and is struggling to find his social footing.

Key Points

• Hoss’s Isolation:

  • “I need to go out and get drunk. All the stress is gone now. I just… I need a drink.” (Hoss, 40:10)
  • The group brainstorms bars, pubs, and dives for Hoss to try, with the audience chiming in.

• Social Experiment:

  • Hoss launches a MySpace page with the hope that listeners and locals will connect, show him around, and help him feel less like an outsider.
  • Light teasing about his friend count:
    Quote (Ryan, 46:46): “He needs friends. It’s really lonely in his top eight. Like he needs some help.”
  • Hoss describes himself for listeners:
    “I’m 24, 6 ft tall, 210 lbs, brown spiky hair and green eyes… I love sports, drinking, and hanging out with my boys…” (Hoss, 44:47)

• Team Support:

  • Jen and Melissa compliment Hoss (“he’s a cutie”), and the team encourages women to take him under their wing.

• Community Engagement:

  • Listeners and one former acquaintance call in, confirming Hoss’s party-animal reputation and endorsing him to Atlanta’s social scene.

4. Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Working Together (Bert, 01:47):
  “I spend more time with you people for sure than I do my own family. Every day.”

• On Secret Confessions (Ryan, 05:02):
  “This is not a learning episode.”

• On the Ethics of Affairs (Melissa, 29:18):
  “You just don’t do anything about it, period. That’s it—done.”

• On Owning Choices (Bert, 35:46):
  “You made a hundred decisions to get where you are right now—100 bad decisions.”

• On Hoss’s Social Woes (Ryan, 46:46):
  “He needs friends. It’s really lonely in his top eight.”

• On Listener Frustration (Alika, 30:36):
  “I need you to hang up on this self-disaster…Both y’all ignorant behinds are in the same boat.”

5. Timestamps for Key Segments

• Anonymous Secrets Game Begins: 01:39
• Shocking College Prank Secret: 04:27
• Childhood Theft & Underwear Confession: 07:20
• Listener Call-In: The Affair Story: 15:31
• Mike Explains Himself: 18:10
• Cast Gets Exasperated with Mike: 25:02
• Listeners Weigh In / Strong Reactions: 28:07, 30:36
• Mike Admits He Won’t Leave Wife: 36:47
• Hoss’s Social Experiment Begins: 39:36
• Hoss Reads His Bio: 44:47
• Segment Wrap / Social Offers: 47:59–50:43

Final Thoughts

This classic Bert Show episode is a rollercoaster of laughter, honesty, and raw emotional moments. The confessions segment strikes a balance between scandalously funny and deeply human. The listener call-in about infidelity brings out both the show’s compassionate and hardline advice-giving sides, with listeners echoing the sentiment. The episode wraps on a lighter note with the integration of “Hoss” and his quest for new friends in Atlanta—an endearing reminder that everyone needs a little help fitting in.

Fans and newcomers alike will find this episode rich in character, unpredictable in content, and, as always, wholeheartedly authentic.