Full Show PT 2: Tuesday, November 18 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show — Full Show PT 2: Tuesday, November 18 [Vault]

Originally aired: November 18, 2025
Cast Features: Bert, Kristen, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Jen, Melissa, Ryan, Hoss, and multiple listeners/callers

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Main Theme & Purpose

This episode blends authentic laughter with real-life confessions and classic Bert Show banter. The main segment revolves around the cast anonymously sharing their closely guarded secrets, followed by an intense, empathetic listener call-in about a long-term affair. The aim is to offer both relatability and escape, mixing entertainment with moments of vulnerability.

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1. The Bert Show Cast Confessions

(Starts around 01:39; segment runs till ~15:31)

Segment Overview

The crew decides to shake up the routine by bringing anonymous secrets, placing them in a bag, and having them read aloud. The buildup is playful but nervous, with everyone uncertain about the revelations and the potential for lighthearted embarrassment or real surprises.

Key Discussion Points:

• Working Relationships & Proximity

  • The cast shares how closely they work—four hours on-air plus another hour off-air—suggesting they know each other better than even their own families.
    Quote (Bert, 01:47): “I spend more time with you people for sure than I do my own family.”

• Secrets Game Rules

  • Each secret is typed and anonymized, to keep guessing to a minimum (though everyone suspects it’ll devolve into playful accusations).

Notable Secrets Read Aloud

• Vengeful College Prank:
  “When I was in college, I helped my roommate’s ex get my roommate in trouble...I gave the ex keys to my roommate’s car, they hid drugs in the ashtray, and called campus security. My roommate was arrested.”

  • The group is simultaneously shocked and impressed by the ingenuity and maliciousness.
  • Quote (Ryan, 05:02): “This is not a learning episode.”

• Self-Doubt Exposed:
  “I’m a fraud. I’m not as confident and happy as I portray myself to be.”

  • The team debates if they can guess who wrote it, with comedic deflections.
  • Quote (Melissa, 06:18): “You’re right. Charlie Brown over here.”

• Friend Marriage Opinion:
  “I think one of my friends would be better off divorced.”

  • Universally relatable; most admit to thinking this at some point.

• Scandalous Collection:
  “I once had a collection that consisted of the underwear of everybody I slept with.”

  • Jen: “That is so good.” (07:20)
  • Leads to playful speculations about whether it’s a “guy thing.”

• Childhood Theft:
  “When I was 13 years old, at my grandmother’s around Christmas, I found a card with a hundred bucks and took it. Hid it with my underwear.”

  • The group cracks up, linking it to the earlier underwear confession.

• Overlapping Romantic Interests:
  “My best friend and I slept with the same person.”

  • The crew wonders if it happened concurrently.

• Workplace Crush:
  “I am attracted to someone I work with.”

  • The team teasingly speculates, then pivots to discussing baseball player crushes—leading to a funny bit about “little Marcus Giles.”

• Friend’s Affair Preference:
  “My friend had an affair, and I liked who they were having the affair with better than who they were married to.”

  • Everyone agrees this is better left anonymous.

Memorable Moments

• Playful ribbing about “little” baseball players (10:01–11:30).
• Intense moments of eye contact and giggling to guess who confessed what.
• Philosophical exchanges about whether anyone really knows anyone.

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2. Dramatic Listener Call-In: The Long Affair

(Main segment starts at 15:31, continues through ~37:45)

Segment Overview

A unique call from “Mike” unveils a tangled web of love, affairs, marriage, and difficult choices. The hosts provide a real-time, no-holds-barred group counseling session—sometimes empathetic, other times blunt.

Key Story Beats

• Backstory (18:10–22:00)

  • “Mike” is 29, married for five years, has a four-year-old son, and has secretly been seeing his “soulmate” Anne (whom he’s known since age 14) for four years—the affair started just before (or as) his wife was pregnant.
  • Anne is now engaged to another man, which has prompted his crisis.

• Emotional Honesty & Rationalization

  • Mike insists, “I’m happily married...But I can’t let Ann get engaged.”
  • The hosts challenge him on the “soulmate” argument.

• Group’s Reactions

  • Bert is especially irritated by Mike’s moral logic, calling out the self-centeredness and the insult to both women.
    Quote (Bert, 25:02): “You’re deceiving your wife all these years. If she was your soulmate, you would have been with her this whole time.”
  • Melissa and Jen emphasize that the need to “make a choice” is inevitable, and that Mike’s anger is just jealousy now that Ann is moving on.

Listeners Weigh In (28:07 onward)

• Callers express strong opinions, universally condemning the deceit.
• Key caller (Alika) brings the fire:
  Quote (Alika, 30:36): “I need you to hang up on this self disaster. I need for him to never say again that he is happy with his wife and he loves her because that’s BS…”

Advice & Frustration

• Bert and Melissa refuse to “coach” Mike further until he takes actual responsibility.
• Mike admits he won't leave his wife even if Anne’s engagement ends.
  • Quote (Jen, 36:50): “Then your decision’s made. End it.”
• The hosts grow exasperated with Mike’s lack of accountability.
  • Quote (Bert, 35:46): “You made a hundred decisions to get where you are right now—100 bad decisions.”
  • The segment closes with the realization that Mike wants affirmation for a choice he’s unwilling to make.

Overall Tone

• Blunt, exasperated, and deeply honest—reflecting a collective frustration with infidelity and the rationalizations that often come with it.

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3. “Hoss Needs Friends” – New Guy in Town

(Segment starts around 39:36; runs through ~50:43)

Segment Overview

The crew introduces “Hoss,” who’s just moved to Atlanta from Charlotte and is struggling to find his social footing.

Key Points

• Hoss’s Isolation:

  • “I need to go out and get drunk. All the stress is gone now. I just… I need a drink.” (Hoss, 40:10)
  • The group brainstorms bars, pubs, and dives for Hoss to try, with the audience chiming in.

• Social Experiment:

  • Hoss launches a MySpace page with the hope that listeners and locals will connect, show him around, and help him feel less like an outsider.
  • Light teasing about his friend count:
    Quote (Ryan, 46:46): “He needs friends. It’s really lonely in his top eight. Like he needs some help.”
  • Hoss describes himself for listeners:
    “I’m 24, 6 ft tall, 210 lbs, brown spiky hair and green eyes… I love sports, drinking, and hanging out with my boys…” (Hoss, 44:47)

• Team Support:

  • Jen and Melissa compliment Hoss (“he’s a cutie”), and the team encourages women to take him under their wing.

• Community Engagement:

  • Listeners and one former acquaintance call in, confirming Hoss’s party-animal reputation and endorsing him to Atlanta’s social scene.

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4. Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Working Together (Bert, 01:47):
  “I spend more time with you people for sure than I do my own family. Every day.”

• On Secret Confessions (Ryan, 05:02):
  “This is not a learning episode.”

• On the Ethics of Affairs (Melissa, 29:18):
  “You just don’t do anything about it, period. That’s it—done.”

• On Owning Choices (Bert, 35:46):
  “You made a hundred decisions to get where you are right now—100 bad decisions.”

• On Hoss’s Social Woes (Ryan, 46:46):
  “He needs friends. It’s really lonely in his top eight.”

• On Listener Frustration (Alika, 30:36):
  “I need you to hang up on this self-disaster…Both y’all ignorant behinds are in the same boat.”

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5. Timestamps for Key Segments

• Anonymous Secrets Game Begins: 01:39
• Shocking College Prank Secret: 04:27
• Childhood Theft & Underwear Confession: 07:20
• Listener Call-In: The Affair Story: 15:31
• Mike Explains Himself: 18:10
• Cast Gets Exasperated with Mike: 25:02
• Listeners Weigh In / Strong Reactions: 28:07, 30:36
• Mike Admits He Won’t Leave Wife: 36:47
• Hoss’s Social Experiment Begins: 39:36
• Hoss Reads His Bio: 44:47
• Segment Wrap / Social Offers: 47:59–50:43

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Final Thoughts

This classic Bert Show episode is a rollercoaster of laughter, honesty, and raw emotional moments. The confessions segment strikes a balance between scandalously funny and deeply human. The listener call-in about infidelity brings out both the show’s compassionate and hardline advice-giving sides, with listeners echoing the sentiment. The episode wraps on a lighter note with the integration of “Hoss” and his quest for new friends in Atlanta—an endearing reminder that everyone needs a little help fitting in.

Fans and newcomers alike will find this episode rich in character, unpredictable in content, and, as always, wholeheartedly authentic.

Transcript

[Commercial Announcer]

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I don't know about you, but it feels like you can't go anywhere without hearing about GLP1 medications. I mean, it's like the topic right now, whether it's your group chat, if you're at brunch, or if you have that friend who lost a lot of weight and suddenly knows everything about GLP1s. But how do you know if GLP1s are actually right for you? That's the tricky part. Hers is making women's healthcare so much easier. They connect you with a real medical provider who helps you find the best plan for your goals and your budget and if the medication's right for you. It' all part of a doctor developed program with check ins, ongoing care and 247 support. No weird hidden fees, no memberships. Just help that actually fits into your life. Whether you want to lose weight or grow thicker, fuller hair or find relief from anxiety, hers has you covered. Visit for hers.combert to get a personalized affordable plan that just gets you. That's f o r h e r s.comb for hers.com bird weight loss by hers is not available everywhere. Compounded drug products are not approved or evaluated for safety, effectiveness or quality by the fda. Prescription required. See website for full detail details, important safety information and restrictions. Actual price depends on product and plan purchased.

[Bert]

The Bird show so we here on the Bird show. I've been with each other for what, five years now, right?

[Jen]

Well, yes, almost. Five for me and five for you guys for sure.

[Bert]

I mean we. You think that you know, each. I spend more time with you people for sure than I do my own family. Every day.

[Jen]

Oh definitely.

[Bert]

I mean it's not even close.

[Melissa]

Well, and not only that, like I always tell somebody the other day, you have to remember that we it is the four of us in a single room together for four hours during the show and then another hour after the show. And so like in your work environment, you may be In a cube, you know, you may be in an environment where you get up and you walk around, you see, you know, you may be sitting next door to somebody, but, I mean, the four of us literally are in a room, at a table, staring at each other for four hours, five hours every day. So you'd think that we would know each other very intimately.

[Jen]

It's not just staring at each other or answering emails or whatever. It's talking.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Jen]

There's no computer instantly for five hours a day.

[Melissa]

Yeah. There's no computer in front of, you know, me and Jen, we're not, you know, we're just. All we have to do is stare at the boys and each other and talk. And that's what we do all day.

[Ryan]

And even when the, you know, we're playing a song or whatever, we're still talking at each other.

[Bert]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ryan]

Looking sometimes there's not a lot of listening, but one of us is always talking, always non stop talking.

[Bert]

It would be interesting to see if we had, like, our significant others on and we asked questions about our, like, at least current lives, who would get more questions. Right. Because, I mean, Ryan's out on the road so much. Seriously. I see my wife maybe like an hour and a half, two hours. And we're generally not talking about work or whatever.

[Jen]

She knows you're a germaphobe.

[Bert]

Right. So it would be interesting to see, like, who would get more answers. Correct.

[Melissa]

Almost like a Newlywed game. But yeah.

[Bert]

Yeah. Because I swear, I think we know each other.

[Jen]

Yeah. I think that y' all might do better.

[Bert]

So we're gonna try to do today is kind of shock each other here a little bit. We have all brought in secrets about ourselves. We have not labeled our secrets. They are in a bag right now. Nobody saw us write them or cut them up. So we have no idea how we can match the secret up to the Birch show member.

[Melissa]

And we're not going to.

[Bert]

And we're not going to either. We'll just read them off one by one, talk about them, but at least we'll all sort of share in the secret, even though we don't know who it's about.

[Melissa]

Right.

[Mike (Caller)]

Okay, guys.

[Bert]

Nervous about this at all?

[Jen]

Sort of.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Yeah. Did you give it up?

[Melissa]

What?

[Jen]

I'm not. I'm not giving you any hints as to which one are mine, because I.

[Melissa]

Do think this start. This will start off innocently enough, but I do think it's going to get to where we all try to investigate who.

[Bert]

Absolutely.

[Melissa]

Before this is over.

[Bert]

Absolutely.

[Jen]

Yeah.

[Ryan]

You think it's like watching the type of people we are.

[Bert]

It's like watching a magician. You can't enjoy the trick. You got to know how it's done. When I was in college, this is the first secret. Again, these aren't labeled. We don't know who wrote this.

[Jen]

And they're typed, so you can't tell by handwriting either.

[Mike (Caller)]

Right.

[Bert]

And I'm. I've got these things down so low that nobody can even see, like, the size of the piece of paper, so we can't pin it on anybody. When I was in college, I helped my roommate's ex get my roommate in trouble. The ex was cheated on, so I gave the X keys to my roommate's car, and they hid drugs in the ashtray and shrunk. They called campus security to report it, and my roommate was arrested.

[Jen]

Whoa.

[Bert]

I don't know who it comes from, but it's brilliant.

[Ryan]

This is not a learning episode.

[Bert]

If I were the rest of you guys on the show, I would be scared that I'm gonna do this to one of you guys in an upcoming month. That's really awesome. That's really awesome.

[Jen]

That is good. That is really good.

[Ryan]

I don't know if awesome is the right word. It's crappy.

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Ryan]

Now, is that. Are we trying? Because when you guys came up with this idea, I.

[Jen]

You mean when Bert came. When Burt came?

[Ryan]

Right. Didn't want to assume, but, like, is the point now, are we all supposed to try to guess who that is, or.

[Bert]

No, I guess we can, or we don't have to. Or we could just debate it or.

[Melissa]

It was not to.

[Bert]

Okay, we don't have to. I mean, it's certainly not ethical, so. But it is very interesting.

[Melissa]

Just let it stand on its own.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Ryan]

There it is. Oh, we Read more.

[Bert]

Yep. I know it's not a good bit if you're not in on it, but. I'm a fraud. I am not as confident and happy as I portray myself to be. Confident and happy as I portray myself.

[Ryan]

It's Melissa.

[Melissa]

You're right. Charlie Brown over here.

[Bert]

Right. Well, there are only two happy people on the staff, and that's me and Jen, so it's got to be one of us.

[Jen]

Jeff's pretty happy.

[Hoss]

Hi.

[Ryan]

This week it'll wear off, unfortunately, now.

[Melissa]

That he's back in Atlanta.

[Mike (Caller)]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

A small little home that's not on.

[Jen]

The water in the Hamptons.

[Ryan]

I got about four more days of happy.

[Bert]

I think one of my friends would be better off Divorced. Wow. I think one of my friends would be better Off. Divorced. I don't know that you could go, like, around an entire office. I mean, I think everybody could probably write that. I think everybody has a couple that for sure. You think?

[Ryan]

I would say that. I can say that one is not mine, but it could have been.

[Bert]

Yeah, I was. Yeah. Certainly could have been mine. I once had a collection that consisted of the underwear of everybody I slept with.

[Ryan]

That's good.

[Jen]

That is so good.

[Bert]

Anybody?

[Jen]

Wait. We're not supposed to fess up to who's.

[Bert]

I'm, like, looking at everybody in the eyes to see. Like, if the eyes are telling anything, you know, we're just.

[Commercial Announcer]

Just.

[Ryan]

We're just reading them, Right?

[Bert]

Just reading them.

[Jen]

So funny. That has to be one. Well, I was thinking that has to be one of the guys. That's a guy thing to do.

[Bert]

I don't know. That sounds like it could be a Carter thing to me.

[Jen]

Like, I can only imagine guys, like, running around the house with girls underwear on their head.

[Bert]

I don't know. When I was 13 years old, I was at my grandmother's house around Christmas time. I found a Christmas card from my aunt and uncle to my grandmother with five $20 bills inside. I took the money. That's beautiful.

[Jen]

That is a good one.

[Melissa]

I hit it with my underwear in my drawer. My collection.

[Ryan]

Back then I was confident and happy. No, not so much.

[Bert]

My best friend and I slept with the same person.

[Ryan]

How do we get clarification on that?

[Bert]

What do you mean?

[Ryan]

At the same time?

[Bert]

I don't know. That's fun to think about. My best friend and I slept with the same person. Damn. I want to know. It's driving me crazy. I am attracted to somebody I work with.

[Jen]

Oh. But it doesn't say specifically in this room, so that could be What?

[Bert]

We're all taken, right?

[Jen]

True. Yeah. But it's just as somebody that I work with. So it could be somebody in the office. It could be somebody.

[Bert]

I'm assuming so that it's. Yeah. I'm attracted to somebody I work with.

[Jen]

I'm assuming so. I think that's a pretty safe assumption.

[Bert]

No secret there.

[Commercial Announcer]

It's.

[Ryan]

It's me. And the person is Adam LaRoche.

[Bert]

Oh, he's talking about the place. All right, last one.

[Jen]

I'd go with that Diaz guy.

[Ryan]

Matt Diaz? People like him.

[Bert]

He's the new Javi Lopez, isn't he?

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Jen]

Or the little Giles guy.

[Melissa]

Marcus Giles.

[Ryan]

I try not to call him that.

[Bert]

I usually call him Marcus, the little Giles fellow.

[Jen]

He's Lil Giles.

[Bert]

I got Little Leaguer playing Second base.

[Ryan]

I think he prefers Marcus.

[Jen]

If I were you and I wrote that, I would say, Giles, is she.

[Ryan]

Complimenting people who are small in stature? Now, Bird, or is this just insult?

[Bert]

Because it's just insulting.

[Melissa]

Oh, because I was gonna say somebody. I mean, she's attracted to somebody on the Braves team that's small in stature. Doesn't mean that she might not be attracted to somebody she works with. You never know.

[Hoss]

That's it.

[Bert]

That's it. I feel it. I felt it for you.

[Ryan]

I've got a crush on that little Weiss fellow. He's just so cute, that little guy.

[Hoss]

Like him.

[Ryan]

I'd like to hand him next to me and pet him on top of his head.

[Jen]

My little radio guy.

[Hoss]

I like that little guy.

[Bert]

Carry him around in my pocket, show him off.

[Ryan]

Like, I put him on the end of my pencil and rub his hair for good luck.

[Jen]

I think you can actually buy a Louis Vuitton character. Carry on for those.

[Bert]

Put me under your seat on an airplane.

[Ryan]

The little mesh front, that's how.

[Bert]

That's how Marcus travels with the Braves. They put him in a cage underneath the plane.

[Jen]

One of the most embarrassing little things that I did at Turner Field this season is I always. At home. I'm always like, oh, it's. Little Marcus is up to bat. Little Marcus is up to bat. And I saw him and I was.

[Bert]

Like, oh, little Marcus.

[Jen]

To his face. I just was like, what's up, dude?

[Bert]

Can I tell you how insulting that is as a fellow? Little. Little fellow.

[Jen]

I don't call you little bird at home, though.

[Bert]

It's just really, really, really, really insulting.

[Jen]

But it was like an affectionate term.

[Ryan]

No, it's not affectionate.

[Jen]

One of the most embarrassing kind of things I've.

[Bert]

He'll never forget that. In the same way that I never forgot when somebody asked me if I was officially a. That. He will never forget that.

[Ryan]

What is the answer to that?

[Bert]

No, I can wipe my butt, right? Isn't that the.

[Jen]

Could you please save the wife in this butt part?

[Bert]

Wasn't that the line of definition somebody called up?

[Ryan]

I think that's the difference between midget and dwarf. Dwarf can't reach their own ass, I think.

[Mike (Caller)]

Oh, God.

[Ryan]

That's how you know that. The difference. Cause they're the ones scooting along the rug.

[Bert]

Okay, this one's good. This is a good one to end on right here, man.

[Ryan]

I can't wipe my.

[Jen]

You can save that, too.

[Melissa]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert]

My friend had an affair, and I liked who they were having the affair with better than they. Who they were married to.

[Ryan]

That's really good times right there.

[Bert]

It's funny how you become like, almost like a interrogation expert. Like I'm looking in the eyes to see which lie I'm seeing right through you. Gen Hobby. Hey, Ryan. Good morning. You're on Q100.

[Ryan]

Good morning.

[Mike (Caller)]

Somebody has to admit at least one of these things.

[Hoss]

No way.

[Melissa]

Why?

[Mike (Caller)]

Come on. Because there are certain, certain things that you are confessing here that have been read that aren't gonna get you any kind of long term trouble.

[Ryan]

Which one do you want to know about most?

[Mike (Caller)]

I think probably that first one about the hiding the drugs in the car.

[Ryan]

That's classic.

[Mike (Caller)]

I mean, that's classic. If nothing else, that's. That's employee of the month.

[Commercial Announcer]

Now that wasn't.

[Mike (Caller)]

That's classic because there are too many people that are out here that are thinking about how to get back at somebody, whether it's an ex or a co worker or whatever. And Bert, if you can do this to somebody on air right now, oh, my God. The fame that you would experience is unending.

[Bert]

If you hear this happening to Steve McCoy over the next couple of months, you'll know one of us is behind it for sure. All right, Ryan, thanks. Those weren't the rules that we agreed to, so we will just keep our secrets our secret. The Bird show.

[Commercial Announcer]

This message is brought to you by at&t. You know, we spend a lot of time here separating fact from claim. And when it comes to mobile networks, that distinction matters. When AT&T makes a claim, it's one you can count on. AT&T is America's fastest and most reliable wireless network. And that's not opinion. It's Data based on RootMetric's United States Root Score Report 1H 2025. Tested with best commercially available smartphones on three national mobile networks across all available network types. Your experiences may vary. RootMetrics rankings are not an endorsement of AT&T.

[Bert]

Did I talk too much?

[Ryan]

Can't I just let it go? I wish I would stop thinking so much.

[Melissa]

Take a breath. You're not alone. Counseling helps you sort through the noise with qualified professionals. Get matched with a therapist online based on your unique needs and get help with everyday struggles like anxiety or managing tough emotions.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Bert]

Hey, Ryan Reynolds here wishing you a very happy half off holiday because right now Mint Mobile is offering you the gift of 50. 50% off, unlimited. To be clear, that's half price not half the service. Mint is still premium unlimited wireless for a great price.

[Mike (Caller)]

So that means half day.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Give it a [e-mail] Switch a front.

[Melissa]

Payment $45 for three month plan equivalent.

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[Melissa]

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[Bert]

Friday One of those intriguing phone calls that we forgot about and just never got to follow up on it because I think Diddy was coming in studio and we got all excited about it and just forgot about it. But if you missed this, right around 8 o' clock we take this really weird kind of strange phone call from a Birch show listener. Obviously this is a preemptive strike because she knows her boyfriend is going to be calling up.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Bert]

And she wants to get her word in before he even calls. This is some of that phone call that we took on Friday.

[Ryan]

There's a woman on line four. She is whispering from the bathroom of her house.

[Bert]

Hey, y'.

[Hoss]

All.

[Bert]

Good morning.

[Mike (Caller)]

Can you hear me?

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Mike (Caller)]

Okay. This is really awful. My boyfriend's gonna call in in a little bit and really wants to talk to you guys. I just don't want to be on air.

[Commercial Announcer]

I just.

[Bert]

Well, it's gonna wait for them. Hold on. You need to talk to her off the air because she just said she doesn't want to be on the air.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Hoss]

Better, huh?

[Ryan]

I'm going to let her say it and then I'll just repeat it.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Ryan]

Okay. Say what you say.

[Melissa]

Just say it like she says it.

[Ryan]

Okay.

[Hoss]

Hold on.

[Ryan]

Her boyfriend's going to call in in a little bit.

[Melissa]

You're not whispering.

[Ryan]

Her boyfriend's going to. Do you want me to do it as her?

[Bert]

Yes.

[Ryan]

Hey, y', all, I just want to let you know that my boyfriend's going to call you guys in a little bit. Okay, Go ahead.

[Melissa]

Watching his face.

[Ryan]

Okay, hold on. And he's gonna want to get some advice from you guys. And I just want you all to know that we've been together since we were 14. Go ahead.

[Melissa]

Wow.

[Ryan]

And we're soulmates. Okay. Okay.

[Jen]

How old is she?

[Ryan]

And just keep that in mind that no matter what he says. What was it?

[Melissa]

The preemptive call. Right. It's the first time we've ever had that.

[Ryan]

I'm completely in love with this guy. No matter what he says.

[Melissa]

Oh, no.

[Bert]

How old is she? How long they've been going out?

[Ryan]

How.

[Mike (Caller)]

How old is she?

[Ryan]

Okay, tell me real quick though, before you go. How Old are you? And.

[Bert]

And.

[Ryan]

And how long have you been together?

[Bert]

And how does she know he's calling?

[Ryan]

And. And how do you know he's gonna be calling?

[Jen]

Come on.

[Ryan]

Okay, I think. I think he's coming. You better hang up.

[Jen]

How old is she?

[Ryan]

She's 29. They've been together since they were 14. And.

[Bert]

All right, so that was Friday on the show, and then we just kind of, like, forgot about it. And producer Tracy said that we're gonna call him Mike.

[Jen]

Okay.

[Bert]

Emailed over the weekend, finally, about that very call.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Bert]

Hey, Mike. Hello, Yellow.

[Mike (Caller)]

Hello.

[Bert]

Hi. You're on the voice disguiser.

[Mike (Caller)]

Hi.

[Bert]

Hi.

[Jen]

We can't recognize your voice at all, so don't worry.

[Melissa]

And we're calling you Mike.

[Mike (Caller)]

All right. All right.

[Bert]

Thanks. You. All right?

[Mike (Caller)]

Well, thanks for taking me on the show.

[Melissa]

Okay.

[Mike (Caller)]

Thanks for taking the call.

[Bert]

You're welcome.

[Mike (Caller)]

Yeah, so like I said in my email, I.

[Bert]

None of us have read the email, by the way.

[Mike (Caller)]

Only one of you. Okay.

[Bert]

Yeah. Producer Tracy's not.

[Mike (Caller)]

Okay, Well, I need advice because I'm in a spot that I've never been in before, and I never thought I'd be in. I've been married for five years, and I'm very happily married. And I have a child that was just born. I have a child that's fairly young.

[Bert]

Are you trying to not give away too many specifics? Is that what's going on?

[Mike (Caller)]

Yeah, I'm sorry. You know, whatever I can spare and hold.

[Bert]

That's fine.

[Melissa]

That's fine.

[Bert]

I think I finally see where this is all going, but go ahead.

[Jen]

You do?

[Melissa]

Sure.

[Mike (Caller)]

My wife and I are happily married, and I've had a girlfriend now for four years, almost as long as my child has been born. And it's this. It's this girl that I've known since I was 14 years old. And she. She's wonderful. Honestly, she's wonderful. And we get along great. And as much as I love my wife and I'm happy with my child, I love my baby boy, I cannot get rid of this girl. I cannot stop thinking about this girl, and I don't want to stop being with this girl. Right. And we've known each other now for 15 years. I'm 29 years old. We've known each other since through high school, all through high school. Nothing ever happened in high school. We were never a couple in high school. We were never together. And we only started being together now for four years. A little over four years.

[Jen]

And your wife does not know about this other relationship?

[Mike (Caller)]

My wife? No no, no, no. My wife does not know about this, okay? And it's best I don't. My wife does not know. And my wife has seen her in passing, but they don't definitely. She does not know. I would have been. I have been fine with this happening now for as long as. For four years. I'm fine with it. I know. You know, all the general attacks on morality, on monogamy. I know that it's a problem. Most people would say it's a problem. But I'm in love with this woman, and she's my soulmate, my girlfriend. The issue is she's now. She's now getting engaged to another man.

[Melissa]

Okay?

[Mike (Caller)]

And I need to stop it with her. We need to stop.

[Ryan]

All right.

[Melissa]

Wow.

[Bert]

Sometimes I get the facts all squirrely. So you have been married for how long now?

[Mike (Caller)]

I've been married five years. Five years. For over five years.

[Bert]

And we need to assign names here also, like. So you're Mike. Girlfriend's name is. What do we want to call it?

[Melissa]

Because we'll call her wife Carol.

[Bert]

All right.

[Melissa]

And we'll call her girlfriend. I was gonna call her Alice, but I'll call her Anne.

[Bert]

All right, so we've got Carol is.

[Melissa]

Mike, and Carol is a married couple.

[Bert]

You're so predictable. All right. And then Anne is the girlfriend. All right. So you and Ann have known each other since you were 15. You really believe that? You soulmates?

[Mike (Caller)]

Absolutely. We're absolutely soulmates.

[Bert]

Well, if you were soul mates, then why didn't y' all just be together?

[Mike (Caller)]

We were going through high school together. You know, that's part of the reason why we realized we went through all the high school years and all that drama and whatever as just as friends.

[Jen]

And now, don't you think some of the allure of an affair. And, Mike, I don't mean yours just in general, but I mean affairs. I just mean generically affairs. Don't you think that there is something that makes them more attractive or makes you believe that it's your soulmate because you're not committed to them and it's this lustful. You shouldn't be doing it. Like, there's some excitement and some drama surrounding this relationship where if you were really with this woman that you've known since you were 14. What are we calling her again? Ann.

[Commercial Announcer]

Yes.

[Jen]

If you are really with Anne, then you would get to see Ann on her bad days, when she doesn't have any makeup on, when she's got the flu, when you guys are, you know, bumming around the house. In your PJs on a Saturday morning or whatever. But right now, you don't ever see her that way because y' all aren't together. You only see her when she's all gotten, you know, dressed up for you and her hair looks good and she's looking great, and it's your little, you know, lustful, you know, trysts with each other. But if you really got to know her or whatever, maybe it would be just as normal and as regular as it is with your wife.

[Mike (Caller)]

If it was somebody I never grew up with, you might be right. I think a lot of people, a lot of guys handle it like that. But I've known this girl since she was 14, like I said, and I've seen her go through a lot of stuff. I've seen her when she's ugly and when first thing in the morning. I've seen, you know, a lot of. I've seen her be pretty unattractive. And I've seen. I mean, I've seen my. I've known my wife now for almost five years, and there's a huge difference in just the way and how much of this woman, Anne. How much of her I love.

[Bert]

Are you unhappy with your wife?

[Mike (Caller)]

No, that's the thing. I'm not unhappy with my wife.

[Bert]

Then it's too late. Then it's too damn late.

[Mike (Caller)]

This is what I need advice about, is that this. Ann is going to get engaged to another guy, and I can't. That's. I. I can't let that happen.

[Melissa]

Okay, you can't let. Okay.

[Mike (Caller)]

She wants to keep going with the relationship.

[Bert]

You just want your cake and you want to eat it, too.

[Melissa]

Yeah. You're married.

[Bert]

You got kids.

[Melissa]

I'm confused. What are you trying to stop? Anne's engagement or you and Anne's affair? Well, which. Which part are you trying to put to an end?

[Mike (Caller)]

I'm. I'm trying to end. Well, I'm trying to end and engagement, but that's not going to happen. So I have to end my. Anne's affair.

[Jen]

You can't handle her being with another man.

[Mike (Caller)]

I cannot. I can't handle her being with another man. So you would rather I know that the. You know, I've had to share her. She's had to share me now, you know, for five. For almost five years. And now why shouldn't I have to share her?

[Bert]

You're just.

[Jen]

I don't know why today scenarios. That makes me feel like my life is so boring. I'm like.

[Melissa]

I just like, self is totally self for Whatever.

[Bert]

I'm so pissed today. I don't know why. I mean, we take calls like this all the time, but for whatever reason, today, I'm pissed about this. Like, dude, you got to do something. First of all, you've been deceiving to your wife all these years. What an insult that you're married to a woman and you think somebody else is your soulmate. If she was your soulmate, you would have been with her this whole time.

[Mike (Caller)]

Listen, I know. Listen. Everybody gives me this type of advice. I'm just calling to see if you guys have any advice about what I should do with Anne because you should end it.

[Melissa]

I mean, because I know.

[Mike (Caller)]

I know I'm wrong here. I don't need somebody else to tell me I'm wrong. All right? I know I'm wrong. I know. But as it stands right now, I'm pretty deep into this, and, well, Mike, it's all. As much as I love my wife, this woman is my soulmate.

[Jen]

Okay.

[Melissa]

All right, Mike, first of all, my advice to you is one, it's already dysfunctional as it is, and you need to just end the affair with Ann. Because the thing is, you're gonna have to let go of the idea of soulmate at the moment because it's totally selfish at the fact that the only thing that's causing you to take action is the fact that Ann now is going to be with another man.

[Bert]

Right? Like, she has been your soulmate for the last whatever amount of years, but all of a sudden, you realize it now because she's getting engaged to another guy. Hold on a second. Okay.

[Mike (Caller)]

Okay.

[Bert]

Pissing me off today. I don't know why we turn the voice disguiser off, please. I don't know. I have no tolerance for it today. I don't know why.

[Melissa]

I don't know. The thing that just is so offensive is. Is like you said, I mean, he's in a position where he had two women who love him, and. And now that one of them is straying off to someone else, now he's all mad. And that's what usually makes me angry about affairs, is that if you're having the affair, then everything's fine. But if somebody has an affair on.

[Bert]

You, all of a sudden, you're jealous. How about me? And he's got kids. I think that's pissing me off, too.

[Jen]

Right.

[Melissa]

Well, it's like.

[Jen]

It's like I'm coming to you with this dysfunctional relationship, but I don't want you to judge the dysfunction. I don't want you to give me any advice on the dysfunctional part. I know about that, but let's move beyond that. It's like you can't separate the two. Yeah.

[Bert]

And I know that there are going to be some. And I can. I understand this argument just to present it, even though my heart's not behind it. Like, if you really know that you have married somebody that is not your soulmate and you're miserable in that relationship, I mean, I understand you only live this life 70 years, so do what you can. Do what you can. That I understand, but this isn't about that.

[Melissa]

But I also think even with that advice, you do what you can, but you do it one at a time. Like, if you're in a relationship that you know is not the right one for you, then end it, then move on. But to sit there and have all kinds of relationships going on at one time without them knowing about each other, I just think is so deceitful and selfish and it's never going to work out.

[Bert]

He didn't even say he was unhappy with his wife, right?

[Melissa]

No.

[Jen]

He said he's happily married. Everything in his marriage is great. His wife has no idea about this affair. Everything's great. But he's so in love with this other woman. He's all torn up about the fact that she's going to marry somebody else, even though he's already married with a family.

[Bert]

You know what's going to end up happening is dude is going to end up screwing up his marriage and only seeing his kids half of the days in the month, and he's going to go with David and be miserable and lose it all.

[Melissa]

Right?

[Bert]

And totally lose it all. Hey, Kay.

[Ryan]

Good morning.

[Mike (Caller)]

Hey, Bert. I'm with you. Oh, I am. I am shaking. I am so mad. This guy needs to leave his poor wife, let her get on and find her somebody who is decent, and then him and Ann can. Or whatever can be miserable together. Oh, this is. Oh, I. I am so mad.

[Bert]

We've heard so many stories like this the last five years. I'm not real sure why today it's really bothering me. It just is.

[Melissa]

It's one of those things, like, what's a straw that broke the camel's back? Like, this is it.

[Jen]

Well, working on this show makes me feel like monogamy is dead.

[Bert]

Yeah, I guess you could feel that way, you know, I mean, it really.

[Jen]

Does start to kind of.

[Bert]

I swear I have never screwed around on my wife. Never, never, never. 12 years I've been with her. Never screwed around on her Never. Well, it's like I said, I swear on my child.

[Melissa]

Well, I just think it's laziness. I think that, yes, of course it's human nature that you, after a while you may see somebody else that you think's attractive. You may be a little, you know, get a little tinge of excitement when you see somebody, whatever, whatever. But you're an adult and you're in a committed relationship. You just don't do anything about it, period. That's it, done. You move, you stay with the person you're with. Just as I think affairs, I think affairs are lazy. Absolutely.

[Jen]

I just don't think people make the right decisions along the way. They put themselves in positions where, I don't know.

[Bert]

You're right. I think you're right. They're lazy. They are. Absolutely.

[Melissa]

You don't want to make the right decision. You don't want to. You don't want to, you know, rock the boat. You don't want to have a confrontation with anybody. So you're going to deceive everybody and make everybody think their life is great and then you've, you know, you've ruined it for them and they don't even know it yet.

[Bert]

And I understand some relationships deteriorate. That happens. That just happens. But do things in the proper order.

[Melissa]

Then get out and then move on.

[Bert]

Hey Ann, good morning. You're on Q100.

[Mike (Caller)]

What happened to honesty in a relationship? He should have been honest with his wife up front at the start. And he is so selfish having a child and only thinking about himself.

[Melissa]

I'm curious about how old the child is. I don't think we asked him how old little Greg is.

[Jen]

He said four.

[Melissa]

The child is four?

[Jen]

Yeah, just about four.

[Melissa]

Because the thing that. Because there's a correlation to when he started the affair with Aunt and when his child was born. So if he started the affair while his wife was pregnant, that adds a whole new layer.

[Jen]

Well, and I think it was actually he said that I've been seeing this other woman, you know, who we're calling Ann, as long as my child's been born. So probably what happened is that his wife had to pay attention to a baby and not him, so he went elsewhere to find attention.

[Bert]

Alika, good morning. You're on Q100.

[Mike (Caller)]

Good morning. You know what? When I hear these calls, I'm usually quite content to just let y' all talk to em and iron out the foolishness. But I need you to hang up on this self disaster. I need for him to never say again that he is happy with his wife and he loves her because that's BS And I, you know, I'm trying my best not to use the four letter words, but this little bastard, that's not four letters. That he has been in love with his wife for the entire time. And oh, my gosh, she's so wonderful. She is probably all of that in a bag of chips. And he don't know what he has. And when he tries to go to old girl who's, oh, my God, she's breaking my heart. Cause she's messing with somebody else. How, first of all, is she able to have another relationship carrying on with just four and a half years? Okay, so she don't even love the person she's supposed to be saying, I do too, too. So both of y' all ignorant behind me are in the same boat.

[Melissa]

Both y' all ignorant. That's right.

[Ryan]

I love it.

[Bert]

Thank you for calling.

[Jen]

So true.

[Bert]

You turn the voice disguise, Rebecca.

[Jen]

Sure.

[Bert]

Like, I don't know what separates this guy from other people that we've helped out, though, that aren't real sympathetic.

[Melissa]

He called on a Monday.

[Bert]

I think that's it.

[Melissa]

Traffic's bad, Mike.

[Bert]

I'm gonna have a tough time mustering up empathy from our listenership from you, to get you some advice, so why don't you make the pitch again?

[Mike (Caller)]

I don't think anybody gets it.

[Bert]

Okay.

[Mike (Caller)]

I don't think anybody gets it. I understand. I understand. I really screwed up on this one. But what happens when you meet a woman and you're in love with her and then you meet your soulmate? You know what? After that?

[Melissa]

We have to make a choice, Mike. You have to make a choice?

[Mike (Caller)]

Yeah.

[Bert]

You can't keep living like this double life thing you're going on.

[Mike (Caller)]

I have to make a choice now that Ann and I have to stop.

[Ryan]

Okay.

[Mike (Caller)]

I'm asking now if you can imagine. If you can imagine this. What? Does that make any sense to you?

[Melissa]

To choose your wife?

[Mike (Caller)]

No. For me to stop going with Anne now that she's getting engaged.

[Bert]

See, the timing on this is the issue because we feel like going is the thing.

[Mike (Caller)]

So it's me that ends it.

[Bert]

She wants to keep going even though she's getting engaged to another guy.

[Mike (Caller)]

Right.

[Melissa]

Well, for. Yeah, you have to make a choice, Mike. You can't do both. I'm curious. When did your affair with Ann start? Before your child was born or after or during?

[Mike (Caller)]

Just. It was just before. Like, just before when my wife was still pregnant.

[Jen]

Because you weren't the center of attention Anymore.

[Bert]

How do you start an affair on a woman that is pregnant with your baby.

[Jen]

Because he wasn't the center of attention anymore?

[Mike (Caller)]

No, that's not it. That's not it. Because I had known anne for over 10 years at that point and we knew what we were getting into. It was inevitable. It would, it would happen at any point.

[Melissa]

Okay, Mike, let me, let me ask you a question. All right?

[Mike (Caller)]

And if I, if it had happened before, I wouldn't have had a baby with my wife.

[Melissa]

All right, Mike, listen.

[Mike (Caller)]

But my baby is.

[Melissa]

Okay, dumb.

[Jen]

Wait, don't say your baby's the most important.

[Bert]

Please don't say.

[Melissa]

Mike, if you. Which woman, which woman do you think you could treat better? Which woman. Let's say you're spending the rest of your life either with Carol or Ann. Which woman would you treat better?

[Mike (Caller)]

I treat both of them very well.

[Melissa]

That's not what I asked. I said in the future, if you made a choice, which woman would you treat better?

[Mike (Caller)]

Well, I have to say.

[Melissa]

And, but then, then why. Okay, then leave your wife and go with Anne.

[Jen]

Do you think if you end the affair with Anne you'll ever stop thinking about her?

[Mike (Caller)]

No.

[Bert]

If you end the marriage and end up with Anne, do you think you'll ever stop wondering what your life is going to be like without your wife?

[Mike (Caller)]

I will, I will keep. I will wonder that.

[Bert]

You will wonder that.

[Mike (Caller)]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

Dude, you got to step up and make a choice. I mean, I'm sorry.

[Mike (Caller)]

Comfortable doing that either.

[Melissa]

Well, I mean, neither have. Well, the thing.

[Mike (Caller)]

A four year old boy with my wife.

[Melissa]

Well, the thing that is irritating to me, Mike, is the fact that you don't want to make a choice. And like I said, the only thing that's making you angry is that Ann's going to do the same thing you did is be with another man and you're with another woman. So, you know, I think your motivation is wrong because I think it shows the selfishness. And like you said, no choice is going to be comfortable because you got yourself in this situation. Okay, so there's no easy choice, but you're going to have to make one. Yeah.

[Bert]

You can't continue to do with this because I don't see how you can live with yourself on a day to day basis. Honestly, I don't know how you can wake up and feel good about yourself, not even a little bit.

[Mike (Caller)]

And live with myself on a day to day basis while I'm having an affair.

[Bert]

Yeah, I mean, you're deceiving everybody to.

[Mike (Caller)]

You, you know, it's Just a bunch of names to. You don't know these people. And you've obviously never been in a situation like this.

[Bert]

No, I have never been in a situation like this. You're right. I don't put myself in situations like this.

[Melissa]

And I think Burt's made better choices than you make.

[Mike (Caller)]

I didn't place myself. I don't like this. I didn't put myself in this situation.

[Melissa]

Yes, you did.

[Mike (Caller)]

It's something that happened to me.

[Bert]

You just don't. Yeah. You didn't fall into it. It wasn't an accident. You made a hundred decisions to get where you are right now, dude. 100 decisions. 100 bad decisions.

[Melissa]

It didn't just happen to you.

[Bert]

I don't like you. I mean, Mike, I don't know why. You just caught me on the wrong day, bro.

[Melissa]

We're giving you advice. I don't know what else you want from us. I mean, what you did is wrong. And you have to make a choice, period. Now it's up to you on what choice to make.

[Mike (Caller)]

I understand what it is is wrong. I think the advice you're giving me would have been applicable about four years ago, you know, And I'm asking for advice for right now.

[Melissa]

Make a choice. Do you.

[Jen]

Do you want. Do you want us to say just keep going with both of them? Is that what you want to hear?

[Mike (Caller)]

No. No, I.

[Melissa]

You want.

[Jen]

Okay, then make a choice.

[Melissa]

You want advice on how. Aunt. You want to. You want advice on how Ann can break up her engagement? That's what you want advice on? You want us to tell you how to break off that engagement so you can keep going on with your life?

[Bert]

Ashley has a great question. I just don't want to. I don't want to put both you guys on the voice disguise together. Here's what she says. If you stop the engagement, will you leave your wife?

[Mike (Caller)]

If I stop the engagement while I. My wife.

[Bert]

Yes.

[Mike (Caller)]

No. No.

[Jen]

Then your decision's made.

[Bert]

It's done.

[Jen]

End it.

[Bert]

I don't want to waste any more time on this. I'm going. Bye.

[Melissa]

Well, it's one of those things, too, where somebody can't ask for advice unless they're willing to take it. You know, like, you have friends who, you know, he's definitely one that wants to hear only what he wants to hear. We haven't given it to him yet. Obviously, he wants. He wants to hear for Ann to break off the engagement. And we didn't give the other guy name with Sam and.

[Bert]

Is he a butcher?

[Melissa]

Yeah, he's a butcher. He's a butcher down the street and somehow lives in the. In the guest room of Mike and Carol's house. But anyway, you know, and he wants to continue going on with. The only thing that's bothering him in four years of the affair is the fact that now Anne's going to sleep with another guy.

[Bert]

Right.

[Melissa]

That's.

[Bert]

He even said it. I'm not leaving my wife. If he breaks out the engagement, I'm not leaving my wife. The decision is done.

[Melissa]

He still wants to sleep with two women. He just doesn't want her to sleep with two men.

[Bert]

I can't do this. Today, the Bird Show.

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[Bert]

Did I talk too much?

[Ryan]

Can't I just let it go? I wish I would stop thinking so much.

[Melissa]

Take a breath. You're not alone. Counseling helps you sort through the noise with qualified professionals. Get matched with a therapist online based on your unique needs.

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[Melissa]

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[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Bert]

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[Melissa]

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[Melissa]

Speed slow.

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[Bert]

What's up, hoss?

[Hoss]

What's going on, man?

[Bert]

How you doing, dude?

[Hoss]

I'm doing good.

[Bert]

I'm a little concerned about you. I'm not gonna lie.

[Hoss]

Why?

[Bert]

I am really just a little bit concerned because I've been that guy before that in my case it was going across the country, but in your case it's, you know, a couple of hundred miles and was kind of like the fish out of water. And here you are in Atlanta. I mean, you're getting lost at every single turn. I mean, to me, it's like a guy so intimidated that he doesn't leave his hotel room for two weeks. I mean, I could call the guy any time of day, afternoon or night, and there he was playing Madden all day. Just wouldn't leave the hotel room. I'm a little concerned.

[Hoss]

Yeah, yeah. I'm still getting lost, but I got some sleep last night and today I got some stuff to do, but then I'm gonna go around and hopefully hit up a bar or so. I don't care if I have to sit there by myself. I need to go out and get drunk. All the stress is gone now. I just. I need a drink.

[Jen]

You've moved. You're here. Cause moving just sucks. I mean, there is nothing about moving that is fun. Nothing at all. So it's like you've just been in this, like, mode of getting everything here, but you're finally here. Mom helped you move in, and mom went back home yesterday.

[Hoss]

Mom's gone. Yesterday afternoon, I finally got everything done. It was just like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Feel awesome. Now I'm ready to go.

[Bert]

So if by some chance you find yourself at happy hour and there's one lonely guy at the end of the bar with an 86 hat on just desperately trying to get your attention to talk to anybody, that is me, it's.

[Melissa]

Probably Hoss or he's asking you for directions. Then you know, that's awesome.

[Bert]

Give us kind of the examples of. Of what you would be looking for in a bar, and then we'll give you some suggestions of where we think that you might be able to go today or tonight.

[Hoss]

I love a good. Like, a good pub. Like this hat that I got on. This 86 hat is an old speakeasy up in New York that not a lot of people know about. So I like those. Those hole in the wall type of places.

[Bert]

So place where you can wear, like.

[Melissa]

Hole in the wall.

[Hoss]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jen]

You could do like a Fox and Hound.

[Hoss]

Yeah, Fox and Hound. More. Yeah, more like your. Your sports bar. Just type hole in the wall type of place.

[Ryan]

Frankie's. Frankie's is right down the road from his house. Like, that'd be perfect.

[Hoss]

Like, almost condemned type of places.

[Ryan]

And by the way, how about, like.

[Bert]

Is it Mike and Angelo's down in Buckhead?

[Ryan]

Yeah, it closed years ago.

[Bert]

No, it's still open. I just went by. Just went by it the other day.

[Ryan]

Are you sure?

[Hoss]

Uh huh.

[Ryan]

Which one am I thinking of? What's the one right next to it? Is that where you went and played darts?

[Bert]

They had. As soon as you walk in, there's a big dart room, pool table, there's to the right.

[Ryan]

Okay. What was the, what was the bar then to the left of that and it's really cool.

[Bert]

And it had the outside area. That one's gone, right? Right. Is that Rosencrow?

[Ryan]

I think so.

[Bert]

I don't know.

[Melissa]

So like near where you live in Sandy Springs, if you go one direction up Roswell, there's North River Tavern. If you go south on Roswell, there's the Frankies that he's talking about. But still both of those are probably not Hole in the wall pubs, but still they're sports bars with the deck, the brown dirt.

[Jen]

What about Ten Lizzies?

[Bert]

Tin Lizzies. That place is awesome. I was there Friday night. What do you think? The patio out there, it's great because that's more Buckhead.

[Jen]

Probably a little bit younger than whatever's on Roswell Road, right?

[Bert]

Hotties out there too, dude.

[Hoss]

Sweet.

[Bert]

Nice. All right, great suggestion. Hoss has put up a MySpace page and it looks great. It looks really good. Here's what we are hoping for, that you guys will hear how pathetic Hoss truly is. You will go to his MySpace page, you will start to interact with them, and then we're hoping one of you guys already has like maybe plans to go out with a bunch of friends. Maybe it's just you. Maybe you just go to the website and you take a look at Hoss, who's a pretty decent looking guy. In fact, I already know that there's one woman in the office that is on your jock.

[Mike (Caller)]

Really?

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

Yes.

[Bert]

I ain't saying sweet.

[Jen]

I know of a couple actually already.

[Bert]

Do you really? I know one for sure.

[Melissa]

Okay, stop talking. Stop talking about me in front of my face, guys.

[Bert]

So I'm assuming he's come over here.

[Jen]

I mean, he is a cutie. He's got. You have blue eyes, right?

[Hoss]

Yeah, blue, green.

[Jen]

Yeah, he has really pretty eyes.

[Bert]

He's not going to have any problem.

[Ryan]

Getting.

[Bert]

Here in town blushing a little bit.

[Melissa]

Yeah, so. And you know, you talk about sports, you know, maybe if somebody's going out with friends tonight to a pub or if you're going to one watch baseball games tonight or something too. I mean, if you're you or with your boys and you know some women are going to be there and Y' all hang out because there's plenty. The one great thing about again being in the south is that at these sports bars there's going to be plenty of women as well as guys.

[Bert]

So what do you guys.

[Jen]

I need to be your friend.

[Ryan]

I know he's only got two friends. Even Tom blew him off.

[Hoss]

Tom doesn't like me.

[Bert]

That is lonely.

[Jen]

I'll be your friend. You'll have three.

[Mike (Caller)]

Let me read the show.

[Ryan]

Let me read from the book of Hoss's blurbs.

[Bert]

I was gonna have Hoss read it.

[Ryan]

Okay, that makes more sense.

[Bert]

Why don't you go over there and read off of his computer so people.

[Melissa]

Can get to know the Bill Clinton voice? That is Hoss.

[Hoss]

That is right.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Bert]

I'm getting suggestions for Peachtree Tavern, Moondogs, Rusty Nail and American Pie for now.

[Jen]

But Hoss is actually of age to drink. Are you allowed to go to Moondogs?

[Melissa]

If you're too.

[Bert]

You may feel like the old guy there. Go ahead and read from your MySpace page. All right.

[Hoss]

Hello Atlanta. After spending the past 24 years of my life in Charlotte, North Carolina. I got the opportunity to move down to the ATL. And now is the time that I need to start embracing this city and all of the Burt show listeners. Now here's a little info about me. I'm 24, 6ft tall, 210 pounds, with brown spiky hair and green eyes. I'm your typical 24 year old guy because I love sports, drinking and hanging out with my boys. My usual night out consists of going out to dinner, then back to my place for some pre partying and then out to the bars. If you're still wondering what I'm all about, then below is a little list of things that I love and hate. Love Unc, Tar Heel basketball, the Braves, the Carolina Panthers, Notre Dame football, girls captain and cokes, Miller Lite, ESPN, Wendy's, Madden 2007, grilling bulldogs and boxers, so on and so forth. I hate Duke University, the Falcons, complainers, snakes, traffic and mean people have to drive through at 2am when you're drunk.

[Bert]

Well, you have come to the right place if you hate traffic. Yes, perfect place for you. And that last part. Mean people at the drive through at 2am when you're drunk.

[Hoss]

Ye.

[Ryan]

And I especially think that the hatred of traffic is beneficial to someone who gets lost every time exactly farther than they echo down the road from their house.

[Melissa]

And if he gets lost in Falcons traffic, he's going to be really mad.

[Hoss]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert]

Who you'd like to meet.

[Hoss]

I've been privy enough to meet and hang out with the people that I should have never had access to. Now, I'm not going to go into the usual, God, Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, blah, blah, blah. But if I could meet anyone, I would probably say some type of mob boss. I think he would have some fun stories.

[Bert]

I would.

[Hoss]

I think that would be cool.

[Bert]

You can go to Hosses MySpace page. It's MySpace.com. hoss Birchill. All right.

[Jen]

Bircho or Bircho Haas?

[Hoss]

Bircho.

[Mike (Caller)]

Okay.

[Bert]

Any other questions we should ask him before we set him into the wild?

[Ryan]

He needs friends. It's really lonely in his top eight. Like he needs some help.

[Jen]

Yeah, he definitely needs some friends on there. But what about music preferences? What do you like to listen to or go out and see?

[Hoss]

I have that on there too. Right now. I like some Michael Buble, gym class Heroes. But like, I'm all. I'm into all types, like Fallout Boy, Montgomery Gentry, Chris Brown, Maroon 5.

[Ryan]

We play all the hits.

[Hoss]

Yeah, I know, I know. Yeah, I like. I like pretty much everything. I'm really big into the gym class heroes right now.

[Ryan]

Feller named Rhubarb. He'll get you.

[Bert]

Here's what we're asking you guys to do is go to MySpace.com berkshohas and is it Bert Show. Hoss, Hoss Bert show. I'm going to confuse that Hoss Bert show and go ahead, check them out. And then what we're hoping is one of you guys kind of take them under your wing tonight and say, look, I'm already going out. Why don't you guys go hang with us, do that for a couple of days.

[Ryan]

You guys, you just mean him because it's just gonna be him.

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Hoss]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Or if there's. It could be just a girl listening said. Well, you know what? I'll show them around a little bit.

[Hoss]

I'm all for it. Let's do it.

[Bert]

Do that for a couple of days and then we'll start picking for you.

[Hoss]

Sweet.

[Bert]

Which is gonna be way more fun for us. Yeah. Brian, what's going on? You're on Q100.

[Mike (Caller)]

Not much, man.

[Hoss]

We got a bunch of boys going.

[Mike (Caller)]

Out tonight at the Winston's. We always go out every Wednesday after softball. And then on the weekends we always just chill, go out, have a good time. Seen two on a roll with us. Sure.

[Hoss]

Absolutely. Doesn't matter to me. I'm ready to go. I just want to drink. I do not care where.

[Bert]

I'm just ready to drink The Bar is set low. Colleen, good morning. You are on Q100 in the Birch Show. Hi.

[Commercial Announcer]

Hey.

[Mike (Caller)]

I used to, when I can't get the Birch Show, I listen to Ace and TJ because I live in North Georgia and this is not the house. I know. And, ladies, watch out, because once he gets his feet on the ground, he is the ladies man.

[Jen]

Are you the ladies man? What's your type? Do you have a type of girl?

[Hoss]

No.

[Bert]

Two legs, two arms?

[Hoss]

Yeah, everything. It doesn't matter to me. I'm not too particular, but, yeah, that's.

[Jen]

What. Would you date women younger than you or older than you, or both?

[Hoss]

Absolutely. Younger and older.

[Bert]

Who wouldn't you go out with? Just curious.

[Jen]

Nobody.

[Hoss]

Pretty much opened all.

[Bert]

Colleen, what is it that we need to know about Hoss that you already know? Besides him being kind of a lady killer?

[Mike (Caller)]

He is the party animal. And they always used to tease him.

[Melissa]

About.

[Mike (Caller)]

His drinking, and that's pretty much about it. They would always just pick on them all the time about all the ladies and drinking and living with. I can't think of their producer's name. I can't think of his name right now, off the top of my head.

[Bert]

Ryan.

[Mike (Caller)]

Yeah, that's it.

[Commercial Announcer]

All right.

[Bert]

So really, what we know now is that you dig drinking, you like going to hole in walls, probably. The club scene is probably not for him. What? What are you laughing about?

[Melissa]

What?

[Bert]

What are you laughing about?

[Jen]

Nothing.

[Bert]

It's greenness.

[Melissa]

What?

[Bert]

Jim. What?

[Jen]

No, I'm not about anything. I'm not. I'm really not.

[Bert]

Other things that you need to know about Hoss are up online right now. MySpace.com Hossbertshow go be his friend.

[Ryan]

Please.

[Bert]

Please be his friend. It is really pretty pathetic. When you start your page, there's only two people on it. It's pretty pathetic, dude.

[Hoss]

And Jim Fallon says she's gonna take me out tonight, so.

[Bert]

Oh, hell, now she can go with.

[Commercial Announcer]

No, no.

[Hoss]

That's what I'm saying. You don't.

[Ryan]

Yeah. Plus she's. She's not giving it up till she's married, so.

[Commercial Announcer]

Yeah.

[Ryan]

Oh, never mind. I'm out.

[Bert]

I'm playing. Have we linked up from all the hits q100.com to it also.

[Ryan]

I know, but we can easily.

[Bert]

All right, we'll link up from all the hits, q100.com and if you can't remember that, MySpace.com Hoss Bert show is picture, bio, the whole thing up there. Take a Hoss out tonight. We'll expect stories tomorrow. Dude, good things. Hey, the bird show.

[Melissa]

Hey guys, it's Paige from Giggly Squad. And if you're anything like me, holiday.

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[Melissa]

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[Melissa]

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[Commercial Announcer]

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[Melissa]

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[Bert]

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[Melissa]

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[Hoss]

Can I make my site firmer?

[Bert]

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[Mike (Caller)]

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[Bert]

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[Commercial Announcer]

Here's a podcast you should be listening.

[Bert]

Listening to courtesy of ACASH Recommends Are.

[Melissa]

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[Jen]

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[Melissa]

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[Jen]

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[Melissa]

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[Jen]

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[Melissa]

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[Jen]

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[Melissa]

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[Bert]

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