Full Show PT 3: Friday, February 6 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show: Full Show PT 3 – February 6, 2026 [Vault Episode]

Host: The Bert Show Cast (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & others)
Date: February 6, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show delivers the signature mix of personal anecdotes, relatable debates, and candid listener calls. The main themes revolve around family party etiquette (specifically kids’ birthday parties), wedding cold feet and social expectations, and an open, expert-led conversation on “sex-starved marriages.” The hosts engage with listeners and each other in a humorous, heartfelt, and honest tone, exploring the awkward nuance of life’s milestones and relationships.

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Key Discussion Points and Segment Highlights

1. The One-Year-Old's Birthday Blowout & Etiquette Dilemma

(00:00–11:02)

• Bert’s Reluctance: Bert recounts arguing with his wife Stacy about throwing elaborate parties for young kids, recalling, “No guy wants to do that. Please don’t put my friends through that.” [00:14]
• The Party Plans: Despite his skepticism, Bert finds himself co-hosting a massive first birthday party for his son Hollis, complete with a pool, moonwalks, and hired entertainment, joining houses with his neighbor.
  “It is encompassing two homes together. … She’s bringing in the whole deal.” [01:39]
• Listener and Co-host Views:
  • Cassie jokes about the slippery slope: “What about, like, sixteen? When they each get their brand new Range Rover Hummer?” [03:30]
  • Bert recognizes the event’s importance to Stacy and aims to be supportive, stressing that sometimes “my reasons of being uncomfortable…are inconsequential.” [02:24]
• Invitation Etiquette:
  • Bert asks for advice about inviting friends—especially those without kids—to such events, not wanting guests to feel obligated or excluded.
  • Cassie shares a humorous anecdote: “If you don’t want to attend, increase your gift price range by 20 bucks and we’ll forgive you…afterwards, I’m going out for beer and stronger drinks…” [04:44]
• Listener Calls:
  • Amanda and Chandra discuss how parent-friend etiquette often means sending invites but not expecting everyone to come.
  • Angela, an entertainment professional, thanks Bert for “keeping us in business” with over-the-top parties and reveals children’s birthday parties can cost from $1,100 up to $10,000. [10:10-10:58]

Notable Quotes:

• “I just should have shut up, you know...” – Bert [00:23]
• “If Hayden had it, she wants her second son to have the same thing.” – Kristin [02:58]
• “Parents like you keep us in business.” – Angela (caller, party professional) [09:58]

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2. Cold Feet Before a Wedding – When Anxiety Means More

(11:02–21:46)

• Is it Cold Feet or a Red Flag?: The hosts discuss the fine line between “cold feet” and genuine doubts about marriage.
• In-Call Counseling with Brenda (voice disguised):
  • Brenda, whose wedding is the next day, confides she’s questioning the marriage: “I really don’t think he’s the right guy for me…just little things…” [13:43]
  • The panel discusses the social stigma of canceling a wedding last-minute vs. divorcing a short time later.
  • Listeners call in with real-life experiences—Karen regrets not listening to her doubts, having “little question marks” for months leading up to her wedding and now facing divorce. [16:49]
  • Another caller, Sarah, relays how supportive family is ideal: “Every single person in my family … told me before my wedding, if I didn’t want to get married, then I didn’t have to.” [18:08]
• Advice and Empathy: The group encourages Brenda to prioritize long-term happiness over short-term embarrassment.
  • “You’re talking about the rest of your life here.” – Bert [19:17]
  • “It’s much better to do it before the ceremony.” – Kristin [15:37]

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3. Sex-Starved Marriages – Open Phones with Expert Michelle Weiner Davis

(21:52–40:47)

Introduction to the Topic

• The discussion is anchored by author and marital therapist Michelle Weiner Davis.
• Statistic: Marriages with sex fewer than 12 times a year are considered “sex-starved;” “one in five marriages” falls into this category. [22:13]

Key Issues Discussed

• Is It All About Kids?
  • “It does not matter…low sexual desire in either spouse can hit a marriage at any point in their life.” – Michelle Weiner Davis [22:59]
  • Scheduling sex can feel unromantic, but “planned spontaneity” ensures intimacy continues. [24:53]
• Listener Calls:
  • Caller #1 (Sarah): “My husband wants it every day and I could live without it. … Is there a medication or something?” [25:46]
    • Michelle: Women sometimes aren’t familiar with their own bodies or may have unresolved issues; suggests self-exploration, communication, and, if necessary, therapy. “Just do it…the Nike philosophy,” she quips, as sometimes arousal follows action. [28:47]
  • Caller #2 (Carrie, voice disguised): Female caller older than her husband; “haven’t had sex in over a year…married in October…still haven’t consummated our marriage.” [29:48]
    • Michelle: Reminds listeners this dynamic isn’t uncommon and urges direct conversation, possibly ultimatums, and seeking professional help. “You need to tell him that he either has to go to a doctor or to a therapist with you or you're out the door.” [33:37]
  • Caller #3 (Pam, late 20s): Married less than a year, has to initiate, faces regular rejection, ready for divorce. [34:46]
    • Michelle: Suggests “give him an ultimatum,” recommends her book and website, notes that action can be more powerful than words to spark change in some marriages.
      “You need to start not being quite so dependable and predictable.” [38:25]

Notable Quotes:

• “So many times a person with low desire thinks, what is the big deal? It's just sex. When in fact, it's much more than that. … It's really about feeling close and feeling important.” – Michelle Weiner Davis [38:08]
• “You’re just like a doormat, and very often when women get through to men through action rather than words, men start to wonder, ‘What is she feeling?’” – Michelle Weiner Davis [38:25]
• “Just have me on. I’ll be your regular and I’ll fix those sex marriages.” – Michelle Weiner Davis [40:27]

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Notable Moments & Quotes by Timestamp

• On Parties:
  • “She's bringing in the whole deal for a one year old.” – Bert [01:56]
  • “It was a letter…‘If you don’t want to attend, increase your gift price range by 20 bucks and we’ll forgive you.’” – Cassie [04:44]
• On Pre-Wedding Doubts:
  • “I really don't think he's the right guy for me. Just little things…” – Brenda [13:43]
  • “Little question marks in my head. That's how it felt for a while.” – Karen (Caller) [17:47]
  • “You’re talking about the rest of your life here.” – Bert [19:17]
• On Sex-Starved Marriages:
  • “Low sexual desire in either spouse can hit a marriage at any point in their life…” – Michelle Weiner Davis [22:59]
  • “I could live without it…Please hurry up.” – Female caller [26:59]
  • “We got married in October and still haven’t consummated our marriage.” – Carrie [30:07]
  • “Just do it…the Nike philosophy.” – Michelle Weiner Davis [28:47]

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Timestamps of Key Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |-----------------------------------------------|---------------| | 1st Birthday Party Dilemma | 00:00–11:02 | | Cold Feet Before a Wedding | 11:02–21:46 | | Sex-Starved Marriages w/ Michelle Weiner Davis| 21:52–40:47 |

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Tone and Style

The show’s tone is witty, light, and self-aware, balancing comedic banter with genuine empathy during listener calls. The cast’s authenticity and relatability shine especially when they tackle sensitive or awkward topics with both humor and heartfelt honesty.

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Useful Takeaways

• It’s okay to throw big parties if it makes your partner happy—but don’t guilt your friends into coming.
• Feeling “cold feet” before a wedding is common, but persistent doubts signal something deeper; trust your gut.
• Sexual desire gaps are common and gender-neutral; open, honest communication—and sometimes taking action beyond words—is key to resolution.
• Stigma from societal expectations (parties, weddings, marriages) shouldn’t override personal boundaries or happiness.

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For more resources on relationship concerns, visit divorcebusting.com (the guest expert’s website).

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This summary covers all central discussions and notable interactions, skipping ads and intros/outros.

Transcript

[A]

The first show. I learned my lesson months and months and months ago. Do you remember when Stacy and I had that big fight on the radio when she wanted to do the baby shower thing, Couple shower, couples baby shower thing. And I just am adamantly against those things. Adamantly against a guy. Like a woman making their man go to something like that. Because we have no interest in it at all. Right? I mean, adamantly against it. But she wanted to do that when Hollis was born. And I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no. I can't ask my friends to do this. No way. Couple shower for a baby. No guy wants to do that. Please don't put my friends through that. Well, we got in a big old argument about it and it brewed on the air. And what I learned from that is that that day right there for her was so much more important to me, I mean, to her than it was for me, that I just should have shut up, you know, I just should have liked.

[B]

It's one of those give and take.

[A]

Things that's mean something to her, be supportive, really important to her. So I just should have in the beginning just said, let's just do it. So I learned my lesson there. And we've got another one coming up this weekend. Okay, so Hollis is turning 1 years old and Stacy wants to throw this big old blowout for him, one year old. And I've always been one of those people that think that parties for one year olds are ridiculous.

[B]

Now, did Hayden have one?

[A]

You know how my memory is.

[C]

Sure he did.

[A]

I'm sure he did.

[C]

I also know how Stacey is. He had a big old blowout bird for Hayden too.

[A]

I'm sure he grew up in family that celebrates, celebrate, celebrate these family type things. But I've seen the kind of celebration that we're looking at this weekend that I've always looked at and gone, well, it's not gonna happen in my house. Well, now it's happening in my house.

[C]

How's that working out for you?

[A]

So it's like, you know, she's hired this company to come on over and there's a whole bunch of kids coming over and adults are coming over. It's gonna be a major blowout. It is encompassing two homes together. We are opening the fence between our house and our neighbor Mike's house. He's the best guy in the world. There's a pool over there and are.

[B]

You gonna have a moonwalk?

[A]

She's bringing in the whole deal.

[D]

Nice.

[A]

She's bringing in the deal for a one year old. Go ahead, say what you want.

[E]

Well, I mean I had the same. I don't want to be disrespectful, but I mean, the celebration should be for the one year old and who's not gonna remember? I mean, to me you get two cakes. You get the one cake for the family to celebrate and then the other cake is for the. For Hollis to rip right through it and make a mess.

[A]

Now there are some side parties also. Like my mom's birthday is coming up also. So we're sort of like mixing it all together. Mixing them all together. But the gist of it really is the party for our one year old Hollis. I have the same kind of thought that you do. But I've realized this is important to Stacey. So for my reasons of being uncomfortable putting on a party like this are inconsequential. It's important to Stacy. That's what she wants. So she's hiring this company to come on in and it's gonna be bells and whistles and moonwalks and it's gonna be. It's gonna be crazy, right? It's gonna be.

[C]

You're one of those families.

[B]

I want to jump on the moonwalk.

[A]

I am in one of those families. I am.

[B]

Is that she did it for Hayden. I mean if Hayden had it, she wants her second son to have the same thing.

[E]

I agree with that.

[B]

Well, this one is want to short him.

[A]

I'll tell you, this one is going to be. If we had one for Hayden for his first birthday, it's nothing like this one's going to be.

[B]

It was dress rehearsal for Hollis.

[A]

They are bringing in a company to do. She's finally.

[E]

The younger kid gets the bigger party.

[C]

I know you've probably been told this.

[B]

Now you support it.

[E]

Now I support it.

[C]

You might want to get a part time job.

[A]

I know.

[C]

And I've like you think the first birthday party. What about like 16?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

When they each get their brand new Range Rover Hummer.

[E]

Well, whatever's big.

[B]

What they're gonna be driving Hummers?

[A]

No, no, we won't be that family. I mean, at some point I'm gonna go look that enough is enough. But this is important to her. So if it's just a big party with moon bounces and all that for a one year old who won't remember it. It's okay. That's what she wants to do. Okay, so here really is my etiquette question and I sort of brought it up to you guys earlier this morning. Is that when I was, when I didn't have kids. And I would get invited to parties like this for children. I didn't want to be there. It was four hours of torture. But we were invited. And you wanted to show respect to your friend who has a child, so you would go and attend. So I have always been on the fence about inviting to you guys to stuff like this, and I haven't on this one, but I want to invite you knowing that it's okay.

[E]

Jen's already there, but she's been excited at the moonwalk since you mentioned it.

[A]

I want you guys. I don't like. I'm not exactly sure what protocol is here. Like, I don't want you to feel pressured into going obligated. I also don't want you to think I don't want you there, right? So I want you there knowing that you're gonna be bored.

[C]

Well, my friend Jason sent out a really cool thing with the invite. It was a letter, it was photocopied, it was typed, and he hand signed it. But it basically said, all right, here's a deal to my friends without kids and my single guy friends who my wife made me send this invite to. You're invited to this because it's a party and we want to celebrate any occasion with the people that you love. But it's also a five year old's birthday party, so there's going to be a bunch of ankle biters running around being pains in the ass. So if you want to attend, that's great. The recommended gift price range is 20 to $30. If you don't want to attend, increase your gift price range by 20 bucks and we'll forgive you. Also afterwards, I'm going out for beer and stronger drinks at such and such place and you guys are all welcome to meet me there. Thanks a lot, Jason. And it was real, like, it was written so tongue in cheek that, I mean, I'm sure there's some people who read it and took offense to it because they thought that, you know, the dollar. But if you knew him, it was written so tongue in cheek. And it was so funny that you're like, that's cool. And you knew it was even going to be a fun party. So everybody just kind of went anyways. And they could go with the excuse of, well, you know, I didn't want to get stuck for paying the more expensive gift. And everybody went at the end of the party and then left with him. And they actually went to Rio Grande and sat on the patio like I.

[A]

Think most parents are. Well, no, I Don't want to say that. What?

[D]

Were you gonna say it?

[C]

No, you say it.

[A]

No, I was gonna say parents. Some parents. I think that there is a. There's a consciousness there that you should invite everybody. But I know that there's this weird, like if I don't go, they're gonna see it as signs of disrespect. And if I. But if I do go, I'm gonna be bored out of my mind for five hours. So I just want to let you all know you're invited. I'll bring in formal invitations for you tomorrow if you don't come. I understand. It's cool right here.

[F]

Any hot single guys?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Over the heat of one.

[C]

Oh, okay. You're going to be picky all of a sudden. Your single girl is going to be all particular about who he introduced her to.

[A]

It was a 43 year old guy yesterday and it's a one year old today.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

Hey, Amanda, Good morning. You're on. She 100.

[E]

She's kind of right in between. Her age is right in between the two of you.

[C]

If she averages 24, she's doing great. Okay, you go ahead.

[F]

Okay.

[D]

This is your child.

[F]

It should be important too.

[D]

Don't be like your dad.

[A]

Oh, now where did that come from?

[C]

What the hell?

[D]

Like, I wouldn't say what the hell.

[A]

I wouldn't say no party. But what I would say is more of a subsequent.

[D]

Your kid's gonna grow up just thinking, oh my dad don't care.

[A]

That is not.

[F]

A birthday party for.

[D]

Your one year old. You should be celebrating that God gave you that year, but instead you're wanting to whine and complain about it and that's wrong.

[A]

Okay, what, should I just let it go?

[B]

Just let her go.

[C]

Hold on. I just want to.

[B]

Oh my gosh, let it go because is there trying to be critical for no reason?

[A]

Is there something I didn't relate, Did I relate something improperly to you? Like I'm not. No, I'm not for not celebrating the party, but the over the top one year old party to me is just. It would not be something that I would do.

[E]

She brought up your dad. Damn.

[C]

Well, she was obviously trying to call Hannity yesterday to bitch about Hillary Clinton and couldn't get through. So she just had that anger and she's like, I'm calling some radio show. I don't know what it is.

[B]

I just don't think that she really listened to what you were saying because you were talking about the etiquette of inviting friends that don't have kids. Your friends with kids are coming over and they're bringing the whole family. And you guys are gonna bounce on the hippity hot seat.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Everybody's gonna have a great time. Your question was about inviting friends who don't have children and would they feel obligated? I don't think she really listened.

[D]

No.

[E]

That's all right. Well, now here's the thing.

[C]

She said it sweet and kind.

[E]

No, here's the thing is, you know, Bird talks about a party for Hollis or an over the top party.

[A]

Right.

[E]

She could call in with a comment, but she decided to do an over the top comment.

[A]

There you go.

[E]

There you go.

[A]

So she's in the same position.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

Good morning, chandra. You're on Q100.

[D]

Hi, Bert. I just had my son's first birthday party this past weekend, and we invited everyone. And I told my friends who don't have children that I've been there, done that. You don't have to come. I totally understand if you don't. I will not be hurt at all. I know you love me and I know you love my kid, but spending your Saturday afternoon evening at a birthday party with 1 year olds up to like 6 year olds is not everybody's cup of tea.

[A]

Exactly.

[D]

So don't feel bad. No gift, no problem. Don't come. I'm not hurt at all. Because it was 65 people, like she 25 kids. It was crazy. And I had a friend, a coworker and a good friend who said, you know, I really have some other stuff to do. I was like, no problem, dude. I understand.

[B]

I do feel like you'd have to get the flu vaccine before going over there.

[A]

Yeah, there's going to be some snot flowing for sure.

[B]

Well, he talks about creep me out a little bit.

[E]

He talks about the etiquette and Katie is screaming in her radio right now. Take the invitation.

[F]

There's children there. I want to be there. Don't be your dad.

[A]

Just.

[C]

Just for Katie Jo's sake. When Burt was talking about inviting you all, he was referring to the interns because he knows that we're all busy this weekend.

[A]

Do you want to be there?

[E]

I'm out of town this weekend, though.

[A]

What a lucky break.

[E]

I mean, literally, I am. But Katie's probably going now. We can change our plans because there's going to be children running around everywhere.

[D]

This would be awesome.

[A]

Hey, Angela, you're on Q100. Good morning.

[F]

Good morning.

[A]

Good morning.

[D]

I just want to thank you as a person in the business of the Party entertainment business. Children's entertainment business. I want to thank you for allowing Stacy to do this blowout. Parents like you keep us in business.

[A]

I know we do. I know we do. What's the most expensive party that you have ever thrown?

[C]

Too competitive that you do not want her to know the answer to this.

[A]

For somebody under the age of five years old.

[F]

Oh.

[D]

Majority of my larger dollar clients are under five. And again, I do especially niche type entertainment. I don't do the whole gig. I've had eleven hundred dollar job. I do pony rides in petting zoos and $1,100 for a one hour pony and petting zoo is my top line.

[A]

1100. Oh, I've heard of them going way more up.

[E]

Well, she was saying that she just has one niche service within the big party.

[B]

But the overall grand total of a party like that would probably be what, five?

[A]

Some could go even higher than that. $10,000, I think.

[B]

$10,000 for a one year old?

[E]

Yes.

[A]

Man.

[B]

Oh, stop it. I'm gonna throw up.

[A]

Me too. The first show. I think we've talked about this before. Like, when you get this close to the wedding, like, it's really tough to tell what's cold feet and what's. Oh, my God. I'm about to make the biggest mistake of my life. I know this person is wrong for me. And what was our defining point?

[B]

I don't know what the defining point was, but I know a couple of women who walked down the aisle and they knew on that day that they shouldn't have been doing it.

[A]

But like, doesn't every. I mean, not everybody, but don't most people, you think, just have like, am I sure I want to do this? Am I sure I want to do this? And that line between cold feet and really having a gut feeling that this is never going to work, I shouldn't do it. It's such a fine line that day.

[E]

Because didn't you call your ex that day?

[A]

I did. I was really, really nervous all the way up to like the, the I walked down the aisle and you don't know because you're so close to getting married and it's such a big deal and you've got so many thoughts going through your head and you can't make sense of any of it.

[B]

It's all the pressure of all the families coming in and everybody, you know, all the hoopla surrounding it all.

[A]

And Brenda might be in the same place. She's on the voice disguiser right now. Hey, Brenda.

[F]

Hey. Good morning.

[A]

Good morning. We don't want to give away too many details here because obviously even the thought probably will be offensive to the guy. You're gon. But what's going through your head? And when are you supposed to get married?

[F]

Tomorrow.

[E]

Tomorrow? All right.

[F]

Yeah, tomorrow. And tonight around 6ish. We have the rehearsal and then rehearsal dinner around 7:30. So. Yeah. And it's not for me. I feel like it's not cold feet. I just don't know what to do because now everything, it's about to happen, you know, people are flying in. People have already come in from California, from New York. It's just. Yeah, I mean, it's not a small little ceremony. It's the. We're having a. We're having a, you know, just pretty good sized wedding. We've spent thousands of dollars. You know, everyone in my family's involved. It's just. I'm really overwhelmed because I know it's not just cold feet. And I just, I started having a feeling and I just didn't know how to get out of it.

[B]

When did the feeling of not wanting to do this start, Brown?

[F]

When I guess when he asked me, I was already like, oh, but this is a good time. This is a great guy.

[D]

Why not?

[F]

You know, it's time to settle down. But, you know, and I thought it was just me and wanting my independence, but it's not, it's not even that. It's just. I don't. I really don't think he's the right guy for me. Just little things, you know, with the traveling. I guess I don't want to get too specific, but now.

[E]

How long were y' all engaged?

[F]

Haven't been a year yet.

[A]

So do you know, do you even know that you love him?

[F]

Oh, I do. I do. But. But just now in love with him the rest of my life I love him.

[C]

Not in love with him.

[F]

I love him. And maybe a part of me is in love with him to date him for a while. Like. No, you know. No, I, I don't. No, I, I honest with myself.

[E]

No, actually, I think she's corner of the room.

[A]

Get on a bus to Albuquerque right now. So as it stands now, though, the pressure to have everybody in town and here is way too great. So you don't even think that even if you wanted to, you could bail at this point?

[F]

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't. I mean, I can see why brides run away now. I just, I feel like running away, but I. A Part of me is like, you know, I just go through with it. Just go through with it and then figure it out later.

[A]

Socially, I'm curious, you guys. I mean, not that it should have any bearing on your decision at all, but is there more of a stigma attached on the bride that bails on the very last minute when the whole family is there, invitations are out, everybody flies into town, and you bail right before the wedding? Is there more of a stigma attached with that than there is getting a divorce after two months?

[B]

God, both of them are pretty scandalous.

[E]

Yeah, I think I would. I mean, as much drama as might take place and much hurt as takes place, I always think it would be better to do it before the ceremony.

[B]

Definitely.

[E]

I think I would have more of a judgment call of two months after than I would if somebody said, you know what? I don't think we should go through with this. Because to me, more thought would have been put into place beforehand than right after.

[F]

Well, that's why I'm hoping. I see this as a thing. I don't want to, you know, things wasted, you know, people's time, people's money.

[E]

But this is your life. This is your life, to me, in.

[F]

Your marriage, really have knowledge, you know, then I just go through with it, and then later go, oh, my gosh. I've been. I tried to work it out. I don't want to make it seem like I premeditated new. And everyone's like, wait a minute. You already have this feeling. You know, I wanted to be like, wow. I tried, and it didn't work out. That's. That's. I feel like, is the least. I don't know. I mean, I don't know what to do.

[A]

Hold on a sec, Brenda. Hold on.

[E]

She's rocking again.

[A]

Yeah. Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes. I think she's just nervous. Yeah. Hey, Karen, you're on Q100.

[D]

Good morning, everybody. Good morning, Brendan.

[A]

Brenda, you still. There you go.

[D]

So I had that feeling before my wedding, and that was 10 years ago, and I'm now in the process of getting a very contentious divorce with three small children.

[A]

But what's the difference? Like, how do you know the difference between colts and three small children? And that's just not the right guy, and I should have never done this.

[D]

I think the difference is if it's immediately before the ceremony, if it's the overwhelming pressure of all the people in town, if it's all the rigmarole goes with it, if it's the ceremony and the dinner and, oh, my gosh, I think that's just cold. That's. That's butterflies. Mine was in the months leading up to the marriage. It was little question marks on my mind. Not the man for me, but I was where she was. And I said, well, I committed to doing this. After I got married, I knew it was wrong, but again, I had committed to doing it. And you don't get married to get divorced. And I stuck with it for long time. So maybe the difference is, are you. Are you getting nervous about it now or were you nervous about it six months ago?

[F]

I had, like you said, that's, I think, the most perfect way to describe it. Little question marks in my head. That's how it felt for a while.

[A]

Then, in her opinion.

[E]

Yeah. And she's got. She's got three small children she has to explain a divorce to.

[A]

Hey, Sarah, you're on Q100.

[F]

Hey, good morning.

[E]

Good morning.

[F]

Hey, hon. I understand you're probably just overwrought, but I do want to tell you that before my wedding, I had a bunch of family fly in, too. And every single person in my family. I know that you said you're close to them. And every single person came upstairs and told me before my wedding, if I didn't want to get married, then I didn't have to. It didn't matter how much money we had spent. They just didn't want me to make the wrong decision and have to deal with that for the rest of my life. But I think that your family is definitely going to understand if you don't.

[D]

Want to do this, don't do it.

[B]

Did you decide not to get married?

[F]

No.

[D]

No, I did.

[F]

I did get married. I was very much in love with my husband, so that wasn't even an issue for me. But, you know, it's just a matter of having that support around you and your family unit being there for you. No matter what decision you make. It doesn't matter if you're an hour away from walking down the aisle.

[D]

If you don't want to do it, don't do it.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, for your friends and your family. If you bail last minute, is it a pain in the ass? Oh, yeah. Did they waste some money? Oh, yeah, but that stuff's temporary.

[C]

Are people gonna talk about you?

[A]

Oh, yeah, but that stuff's temporary. You're talking about the rest of your life here.

[B]

And you could still have a party. I mean, you could still have a reception. That would be, you know, make it a family reunion or something.

[E]

And another thought I had is you don't want To. I mean, he obviously loves you and wanted to marry you, and you don't want. Want to return the favor by saying, I want you to now be labeled a divorced man. Like, it's one thing to be divorced in a relationship that you really were a part of and really wanted to be a part of and really tried to make it work, and it didn't work out, so then you understand. But if it's something where. Like, I had a friend in high school that I still. Every time this comes up, I think of him, because they did get divorced two months after they got married and they were in their twenties. And then we all said, you know, now he's a divorced guy from a woman, and he wasn't even a wedding that he had a lot of time to invest in. So I just think that's unfair to him. I mean, he'll be hurt now, but I think it'll affect him far more if you go ahead and get married and then you're planning your divorce in the back of your mind.

[A]

Right. All right. If you got that contingency plan and you've got that on your mind already, it's probably not a great decision.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Just curious. If you do call off the wedding, who are you going to tell first? Him.

[D]

I would probably.

[F]

I mean. I mean, I've thought about this, too, and I've played it out in my head, and the last caller was so sweet. And she's right, because I do have a close. His family. But, I mean, I. And I. And I like his family, too. They're really nice. I just.

[C]

So who you gonna tell first?

[F]

I would have told my. I mean, I. I would tell my mom first.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Mom first.

[E]

Yeah.

[F]

Then. And then I would tell him, you know? Well, I guess I should tell him first, but I. I'd be kind of scared.

[E]

She's rocking again. Yeah, I think. Yeah, I'm. I think mom is the most realistic answer. Because you're afraid to tell him, even though you should tell him first. But I think I'd probably.

[A]

But most are calling up saying, look, if you're having these thoughts and you've been having them for months, then bail now.

[D]

Mm.

[F]

Yeah, I know. I. But honestly, like, I feel like I, you know, we can just kind of go through. I care about him a lot. We could have everyone. What everyone wants, you know?

[B]

Are you supposed to go on a honeymoon?

[F]

Yeah. No, we're supposed to leave a week later, actually.

[B]

Gotcha. Okay.

[A]

Okay. Well, let's check back with you on Monday. Okay.

[E]

She's Talking.

[A]

I'll put her on hold.

[C]

Where are you guys going on your honeymoon?

[A]

How much you spend?

[B]

I'm asking for logistics.

[C]

Tracy can handle that. Between 10:00am and 9:00pm Sunday night.

[B]

Well, I'm sorry. I'm a girl. I plan ahead. I think of those things. If we're gonna talk to her on Monday, I need to know if she's gonna be on a freaking honeymoon or not.

[C]

Lord have mercy.

[B]

Get it?

[A]

The Birch Show. Michelle Weiner Davis can help you out. She wrote a book called Sex Starved Marriages. And I think this has been defined by marriages in which people have sex less than 12 times a year. I think it was once every six weeks is what we said.

[B]

Yep.

[E]

But wasn't one in five marriages fall under that category or something like that? Like, if you are embarrassed by it, you should. I mean, go ahead and call. Like Bert said, we have the voice disguiser. But you're not alone, because a lot of marriages are in the same category.

[A]

That seems like a crazy number to me. That really does.

[B]

But if you guys talk about it, mostly being couples with small children, too, I'll have to ask you several small kids in the house. I'm sure that makes it harder.

[D]

Good morning.

[E]

How are you?

[D]

I'm great, thanks. How are you? Thanks for having me back.

[A]

Yeah, thank you for. I mean, the last time we talked to you, the phone lines lit up and we didn't get to all the questions that we needed to get to. So we're gonna try to start lining them up right now also. But Jen raises an interesting point. Is a sex starved marriage more for people that have kids, or does it not matter?

[D]

It's a great question. It does not matter. In fact, one of the things that's been most surprising to me in terms of my work with couples and the research that we did with Red Book magazine is that there are a lot of people who are in their early. Like they're in their early 20s, and they're people in their 30s without children. And people, of course, whose children have left home and they're empty nesters and they're having difficulty. You'd think that that would be a chance for a second honeymoon. But, you know, the truth is that low sexual desire in either spouse can hit a marriage at any point in their life, transition. So it's not, of course, you know, having had two children of my own, I can say firsthand it makes it difficult, especially when there's an infant or toddlers around. I mean, when there are infants around, of course, women are going through major hormonal changes which makes sex not all that attractive. And when they're little, they're so demanding. So I don't want to underplay or minimize the impact that children have on adults lives. And when they're knocking on the door, just opening the door and you have no privacy, I don't want to minimize that. But, you know, the truth is, in the words of a famous philosopher, Rosanna Dana, there's always something. And you know, in order for marriage to keep passion alive, couples regardless of whether they have children or not, have to take sex off the back burner and really make it a priority. And if they have to, to schedule time where they know they're going to be alone.

[A]

Let's talk about that for a second before I get to Sarah's call here is that I think a lot of people say if you schedule sex, it really kind of takes like, I don't know. Well, obviously it takes the spontaneity out of it, but it also takes the specialness out of it. How do you respond to that?

[D]

Well, first of all, it's great. You know, a lot of couples tell me sex was great when they were spontaneous, and that always means before children or at least almost always. But when I say, you know, if you have children and you have to plan it, I call it planned spontaneity. You know, you know, what do to time when you're going to be alone and you're going to have privacy. And what you do within that time frame is totally up to you. You can be creative, you can try new things. And so, you know, yes, it would be ideal if you could just have sex at the drop of the hat in the living room if you'd like. But you know, life isn't like that. If you're going to sit around and mourn the fact that it's over, you're going to lose a lot of opportunities to really connect physically.

[C]

All right.

[A]

Let's take your first call here. 404-741. Q100. Good morning, Sarah. You're on with Michelle Wiener Davis from Sex Starved Marriage.

[D]

Hi, good morning.

[F]

I'm calling the issue where I'm the one not interested, where my husband, he wants it every day and I could live without it. And I wanted to see is there a medication or something.

[D]

I hear that. And by the way, I want you to know that this is such a popular and common issue. I recently wrote a post on a blog for Psychology Today about Sex Starved Marriages, and it was so popular that it was picked up by The Huffington Post. And apparently, you know, it's just making the rounds because it seems that most couples have an issue with the sexual desire gap at some point in their marriage. And so, first of all, I want you to know it's very common. Secondly, before you run off and start taking medication for this, you really need to ask yourself whether there is a time in your marriage where you felt more sexual, where you felt more alive physically, and if so, what were those times? So, first of all, let me ask you that question. Was there a time in your marriage where you felt more sexual?

[F]

No, not really.

[D]

Oh, not really.

[F]

We have two kids. And no, I've just never been interested ever. I just. I do it because he wants me to do it, but it's still only like once every two or three months. I'm thinking, please hurry up.

[D]

Yeah, well, that's. That is not great. Well, I can't really speak to you, and I don't want to ask you a whole lot of personal questions over the air. But first of all, sometimes women who feel the way that you do do so because their husbands don't really know their bodies. And that couples very rarely talk enough about sex and what turns them on and what feels good. And sometimes that happens because people don't know their own bodies. Women seem to be more guilty of this than men. And so the first thing I would suggest to you is that make some time to get to know your own body and what turns you on and what gives you an orgasm so that you can coach your husband as to what makes you feel good. The second thing is that sometimes people in your shoes have had difficult growing up experiences, tough times in their family. Sometimes there's been sexual abuse, and that's really turned them off to sex altogether. And if that's been true in your situation, what I really want to urge you to do is to go get some professional help so we can begin to talk about that. But, you know, sometimes people really just are not interested in sex, and they don't need to run out and do medication. They tell me that they have low sexual desire. And again, this may or may not be true for you, but I think I. Last time I was on the air that I wish I had a dollar for each time someone said to me, I'm not in the mood for sex when my husband approaches me, but once we get started, I really enjoy it. It feels great. And so for those women, I really suggest that they adopt the Nike philosophy and just do it. Because for a lot of people, in order to feel really turned on. They just have to be physically stimulated. They're not going to be sitting around having this really random lusty thought like their spouses might, that they have to get going. And once they do, they really have a good time. So again, I don't know if that's you, but if you do, it just lingers before your husband decides that he's going to have an affair or wanting to dissolve your relationship because you have two kids. I can't say strongly enough that you need to get some help so that your sexual relationship becomes better. It's very important.

[A]

Here is Carrie. She's on the voice disguiser. Go ahead, Kerry.

[D]

Hi.

[F]

Actually, my roles are reversed. I'm actually older than my husband by five years and he's just not into sex at all. And we haven't had sex in over a year. We got married in October and still haven't consummated our marriage.

[A]

You haven't had sex since you got married?

[B]

What?

[E]

Haven't consummated your marriage?

[F]

No.

[D]

Whoa, whoa. Well, first of all, what I want you to do is, and the reason that I'm on this show this morning is I wrote a book called the Sex Starved Wife. And believe it or not, there are people listening to me right now thinking there is no such thing as a sex starved wife. And if there is a woman who doesn't like sex, it must mean that she's incredibly unattractive or that she nags all the time. And I am here to tell everybody that that is simply not so. Yes, it's true that sometimes women let themselves go or that sometimes women get critical. And oftentimes women get critical because they're feeling so rejected, which I'm certain is something that you're feeling after a year and it comes out in not positive ways. But I also want to tell people that there are millions and millions of relationships out there where the husband simply doesn't want sex. Now, the fact that you haven't consummated your marriage really indicates to me that he has got some sort of issue. You don't need a degree in psychology to know that, that there's something going on with him. And I wonder, first of all, have you talked with him about your concerns?

[F]

Oh, yeah, we actually we've talked. We've had fights. There was a book that was called Sex Starved Marriage that I bought. I mean, and he refused to read it.

[A]

That's her, you know, that's her book. You're talking to the author of that movie or that book, right Now, Yeah.

[F]

I read it and I tried to do all the things, you know, about not pushing and everything, but he wouldn't even read the book.

[D]

And, and what's the reason that he gives you for not wanting to have sex?

[C]

Because he likes her brother.

[F]

You know, I've even asked that question. I'm like, I would rather you just tell me, you know, if you're.

[D]

What does he say? What does he say?

[F]

You know, so we've actually, I mean, we've had sex but it, it just kept dwindling and you know, and I'm. My personality, I've always been extremely active and it's very hard for me, you know, I'm just not.

[D]

So let me ask you this. You're new into your marriage, I take it you don't have children.

[F]

No, we do.

[D]

You do have children?

[F]

Together four years. We have a four year old.

[D]

So. Okay, you've been together four years and married for one.

[F]

No, we just got married in October.

[D]

Oh, okay. Well, here's what you know, you got to get tough with this guy and you need to tell him that he either has to go to a doctor or to a therapist with you or you're out the door. Because I have a feeling he does not want a divorce. When you sound like a pretty nice person. And my guess is he probably, for whatever reason, he's not wanting to confront this issue. He's thinking that you're going to be here no matter what. And I don't know what's going on with him. He's not on the phone. For all I know he's feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility of having a 4 year old. I don't know whether. Is he working?

[F]

No, he's a stay home dad. Luckily I do well enough that I support us.

[D]

Well, you know, he's got a pretty easy life, it sounds like. Not to say that staying home with a four year old is easy work because it's not.

[F]

But it sounds like my mom lives with us too. And so my mom really takes care of my son. My husband gets to do whatever he wants.

[D]

Okay, time for you to toughen up, girl. You know, you don't. It sounds like you're treating him like a mother and mothers aren't very sexy. Treat him like he's your equal and start giving him some expectations that if he doesn't fulfill, he's out the door.

[A]

Hey, Karen, in the interest of time, I gotta take one more call, so we gotta move on.

[F]

Thank you.

[A]

Okay. Wish we had more time to spend with her. Yes, one of these days, would it be too, like, edgy to have actual married couple on to talk to you about this and actually hear the whole session go on? Is that unethical?

[D]

I'd be happy to do that if they're willing to. And I think a lot of people are eager to get help. I'd be happy to do that.

[B]

But I think the person who's less interested is gonna have a harder time. Right?

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

And I think, well, except for the fact that women who are less interested are much more cooperative than men, I bet you you don't have a single low desire man hanging on the line for their voice to be disguised.

[A]

Now there is not one man. Not one. All right, one more call here. It's all we're going to have time for. And we only have a couple of minutes. But I did want to get you in. Pam, you're on the voice disguiser.

[F]

Hi. And I'm in my late 20s and my husband's in his mid-30s, and we've been married less than a year. And we are what you call. We're in a Texas marriage. We have sex maybe once a month, and it's initiated by me. And I'm to the point where I'm so tired of initiating it and being turned down that I'm just. I'm to the point where I'm ready to resolve the relationship. We have no children, we have no issues, no problems. We both make plenty of money. We have everything we want in life. You know, I don't know what the answer is. I've even sat down and asked him, what turned you on? What can I do? I'll do anything, you know, what turns you on? Nothing turns him on. Nothing. And I'm not a bad looking girl, so, you know, I'm to the point where I don't know what's left to do.

[B]

Oh, you can hear the rejection she feels.

[D]

Well, you know, I'm delighted that you're calling in for support because again, another example of a woman who is the person who has higher sexual desire. And therefore, you know, I first of all go and get the book the Sex Starved Wife. And, you know, there's this first chapter of the book, the Sex Starved Wife or the Sex Starved Marriage, is on my website, divorcebusting.com, and you can find out information there. First of all, I wonder, have you asked him to go get some help with you?

[F]

Yeah, we were simply about four months ago where I said, you know, I'm ready to leave you. I'm ready for divorce, you know, and his response was, well, I'm sorry you feel that way. You're not the first person that's ever told me that.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[F]

And, you know, let me ask you.

[D]

In your heart, do you think he's. He's wanting a divorce or willing to get a divorce?

[F]

I'm sorry, what was your question?

[D]

In your heart of hearts, do you really believe that he wants a divorce?

[F]

No, I don't think he wants a divorce at all. And I really don't either. But I can't continue to go on this way.

[D]

Yeah, I don't blame you. Now, first, you know, a lot of times, and I'm not saying that you're doing this, but when women feel so rejected and so hurt, when they actually sit down and talk to their husbands about their feelings, what comes out is anger, frustration, and criticism. I'm wondering if you've ever approached him by telling him. You know, the truth is this isn't just a physical act. When we're not close physically, it makes me feel like you don't want me or you don't love me, and I feel like I'm not important to you. Have you shared with him your real sentiments?

[F]

Absolutely. I sat down after about a bottle of wine so that I wouldn't be so angry, and I said, you know, I'm not here to hurt your feelings. I'm not here to make you angry. I just want you to see how I feel and understand, you know, and for all these people out there listening, they're on the other side. You're not just losing sex with your partner. You're losing intimacy. All of those feelings that go along with just not being a ringmate.

[D]

Absolutely. You know, so many times a person with low desire thinks, what is the big deal? It's just sex. When in fact, it's much more than that. As I said, it's really about feeling close and feeling important. And so I want to tell you two things. One is that ultimately you need to give him an ultimatum and get an appointment again if you don't feel comfortable going in. Because I know that you have your voice disguised through my company or through my center, we have telephone coaching. And again, through divorcebusting.com, you can speak to a telephone coach who is really dedicated to helping you bring back the passion and keep your marriage together. So that's first of all. And second of all, all, so often women rely too heavily on words. I know I asked you, how did you speak with him? Did you share with him in terms of what's going on in your heart, and it sounds like you have. And if that doesn't work, you have to stop talking and you have to take action. And if you're going to ask me what action, I need more time than we're going to have. But the action that you need to take is something you've never done before. And if you're home every night and you're predictable and you're making dinner for him and he knows that he can count on you and you're reliable and you're going to be there for him, you have to start not being quite so dependable and predictable. You need to make him wonder what's going on with you, because otherwise, you're just like a doormat. And very often when women get through to men through action rather than words, men start to wonder, what is she feeling? What is she thinking? I better start paying attention to. To her. I'm really missing her. I want her in my life. And that's when they start changing their behavior, when you talk less and act more.

[A]

Hey, Michelle, we got to take off. The same thing happened this time that happened last time. People lined up to talk to you. So too many calls. I hope we can do this again real, real soon.

[E]

I would love to. I would love to do, like Bert said, with a couple because, you know, to get both sides of it, because it sounds. Because so many people are angry, as if they.

[B]

The pe.

[E]

The people with the lower desire are doing it on purpose. And I'm so. I'm curious to have to hear the full conversation. And maybe it would heal a lot of relationships so that both sides are presented. Yeah.

[D]

Well, just have me on. I'll be your regular and I'll fix those sex marriages.

[A]

We'd love it because you're great. Again, the name of the book, Sex Starved Marriage, the Sex Starved Wife also, and the Website Once again, divorcebusting.com divorcebusting.

[D]

Com.

[A]

All right, Michelle. Yes. We'd love to talk to you again in another couple of weeks.

[D]

Sounds great. Thanks for calling. Thanks for joining.

[A]

Bye.

[C]

Bye.

[A]

You're on the Birch Show.