Full Show PT 3: Friday, November 7 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 3: Friday, November 7 [Vault]

Date: November 7, 2025
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Jen Hobby, Jamie Massey, Jeff, Jessica, Melissa
[Episode Runtime: ~52:00]

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show explores the genuine, funny, and sometimes vulnerable experiences of the cast as parents, daters, and regular people living life. The show kicks off with a hilarious and heartfelt discussion about the fine line between encouraging kids and pushing them too hard—particularly when it comes to sports and parental expectations. It then veers into the misadventures of adult dating—highlighting age gaps and the reality checks they bring—before diving into nightmare babysitting stories from listeners and hosts that are equal parts jaw-dropping and hilarious.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Bert’s Quest to Spark a Sports Interest in His Son

Timestamps: 01:16 – 14:00

Topic Summary:

• Bert confesses to borderline obsession with getting his almost-4-year-old son, Hayden, interested in sports—but insists it’s just “exposure,” not pushiness.
• Jen cautions Bert against repeating her father's mistake of pushing his own athletic dreams onto his kids, referencing “The Great Santini” as a warning about overbearing parenting.
• The team laughs about Bert’s increasingly desperate (and creative) tactics, like playing ball with a neighborhood kid in hopes his son will join in.
• The conversation gets playful as they challenge Bert about whether he’d support Hayden’s interests if they turned out to be non-traditional, like cheerleading or ballet.

Notable Quotes:

• Jen Hobby [03:31]: “I brought up Great Santini... the overbearing father who just forces the children to hate to grow up too fast.”
• Bert [05:16]: “In a sea filled with hundreds of children sweating, tackling each other, testosterone flying all over the place... my son takes a look at all the football players and then makes a beeline over the cheerleaders and wants to learn how to cheer.”
• Jeff [07:15]: “You’re creating a great spectator.”
• Bert [08:06]: “I don't care where he poops so long as he has a bat in his hand while he's doing it.”

Themes:

• The struggle of letting kids find their true interests versus living vicariously through them.
• Defining the difference between “exposing” kids to opportunities and “pushing” them into roles.

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2. Jamie Massey’s Dating Life: Age Gaps, Virgins, and More

Timestamps: 14:10 – 27:56

Topic Summary:

• Jamie admits she’s been dating younger—specifically, a 20-year-old guy as her self-proclaimed “hot summer fling.”
• The table debates the “ick factor” of age gaps, applying the “half your age plus seven” rule to see if it’s “acceptable.”
• The situation gets awkward (and funny) when Jamie reveals the 20-year-old is a virgin and intends to save himself for marriage, putting a damper on expectations for a wild summer romance.
• Listeners call in with their own age gap love stories, including one where a woman “waited six months” before her younger boyfriend proposed and ex-virginity was guilt-free.

Notable Quotes:

• Jamie Massey [15:28]: “He is so hot. I can’t help it.”
• Jessica [17:01]: “You’re borderline icky—like a piece of chicken that’s just raw still, like in the very middle. You’ll probably not get that sick, but you’ll still throw up a little in your mouth.”
• Jamie Massey [19:08]: “He—I—you say it, but I don't want to say it because I would look like a…”
• Jeff [22:09]: “He’s lasted like 20 years. Well, nowadays he's lasted eight.”
• Melissa (Caller) [24:07]: “I’m actually married to a 23-year-old and he was a virgin when we started dating... Six months [until we had sex].”

Themes:

• Societal double standards around age differences in relationships.
• The challenges of staying true to one’s values (and libido) when dating someone at a different life stage.
• Virginity, sexual pacing, and pressure in modern dating.

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3. Seven Body Parts Men Don’t Think Women Notice (But They Do)

Timestamps: 28:11 – 36:38

Topic Summary:

• Jessica introduces a list of seven body parts that men overlook but women absolutely notice—offering grooming advice for guys heading out for weekend fun.
• The crew gives first-hand tips on eyebrows, fingernails, dry skin, feet, ear and nose hair, yellow teeth, and back hair, with plenty of self-deprecating humor and practical examples.
• Jeff shares his own eyebrow grooming experiences, and Jen underlines why “attention to detail” is a surprisingly sexy trait.

Notable Quotes:

• Jessica [28:53]: “Okay, so these are parts that women notice on guys. But you guys don’t think you have to do anything to take care of these body parts. But you do.”
• Jen Hobby [31:29]: “Men or women—if you don’t take care of your hands...people will notice your hands faster than they notice other things.”
• Jessica [34:30]: “When I get finished with the manicure-pedi, I can’t stop looking at my hands and my feet.”
• Jessica [36:29]: “Eyebrows, nails, dry skin, jacked up feet, ear and nose hair, yellow teeth and back hair. Seven things you guys gotta take care of. Cause we notice, we pay attention.”

Themes:

• Modern grooming expectations for men.
• Women’s perspective on “little things” that affect attraction.

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4. Babysitting Gone Wrong: Listener Calls & Host Stories

Timestamps: 36:45 – 51:07

Topic Summary:

• The show opens the phones for “Nightmare Babysitting Stories,” and audience members do not disappoint.
• Hosts and listeners share jaw-dropping stories: locked out of the house, roof rescues, loaded guns for self-defense, children smearing feces on walls, being wrongly accused of theft, wild kids attacking with golf clubs and knives, and even a kid stuck in a tree by her underwear.
• The conversation is peppered with empathy, laughter, and a healthy dose of “never again” when it comes to babysitting.

Notable Quotes:

• Erin (Caller) [39:31]: “We got locked out of the house...cats got locked in my car and used the back of my car as a litter box all night long.”
• Melissa (Caller) [41:16]: “...the mom showed me where the handgun was. It was loaded and let me know if her ex-husband showed up to shoot first and ask questions later.”
• Jessica [44:01]: “If your child is wiping poop on the walls, you stay home during that phase.”
• Jessica (Caller) [50:55]: “...she’s hanging from her underwear off of a tree branch...her parents come home and she didn’t want her underwear on. So her tush is in the air and her parents are like, what’s going on?”

Themes:

• The unpredictable, sometimes hazardous world of babysitting.
• How formative (and traumatic) first jobs can be.
• Sometimes, the parents are more problematic than kids.

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Memorable Moments

• Bert’s Desperation to Connect Through Sports: Humor shines through as Bert gamely admits to borrowing kids from the neighborhood just to “expose” his son to athletics, and the group ribs him mercilessly for his tactics ([07:11]).
• Age-Gap Double Standards Debunked: The entire panel uses math (the “icky factor equation”) and straight-shooting banter to dissect what’s okay—and what’s just awkward—when it comes to dating across generations ([17:01]).
• The List of Seven: The honest truth about “men’s hidden grooming pitfalls” is both practical and side-splitting as the guys admit to eyebrow trims and the panel discusses the allure of clean nails ([28:53]–[36:38]).
• Babysitting War Stories: A parade of wild, once-in-a-lifetime babysitting fails—culminating in one girl dangling from a tree by her underwear—leaves the cast (and listeners) equal parts horrified and endlessly amused ([50:55]).

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Important Timestamps (MM:SS)

• 01:16: Bert’s sports-parenting dilemma begins.
• 03:31: Warning against becoming “Great Santini.”
• 05:16: Cheerleading subplot and Bert’s failed sports demo.
• 07:11–08:10: Bert’s stealth coaching and “sports exposure” philosophy.
• 14:10: Jamie’s dating a much younger guy.
• 17:01: Age-gap “icky factor” math.
• 19:08: The twist—he’s a 20-year-old virgin.
• 24:07: Married caller shares her own younger-dude, ex-virginity story.
• 28:11: List of “seven body parts” begins.
• 36:45: Babysitting disaster calls start.
• 39:31: The car-cats-lockout-litter-box story.
• 41:16: Babysitter given a loaded gun for self-defense.
• 44:01: Babysitter encounters a “poop Picasso.”
• 50:55: Child rescued from a tree by her underwear.

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Final Thoughts

This episode of The Bert Show delivers everything promised in the tagline: irreverent laughs, a bit of self-deprecation, heartfelt commentary on parenting and relationships, and an interactive slice of real life from listeners. The cast’s willingness to poke fun at their own missteps—as parents, friends, or daters—makes the show authentic and magnetic.

Quote of the Episode:

• Jessica [44:01]: "If your child is wiping poop on the walls, then you stay home during that phase."

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Whether you’re looking for parenting advice, a reality check on age-gap love, or just want to laugh at the perils of babysitting, this episode is packed with relatable moments, hot takes, and the signature wit of The Bert Show team.

Transcript

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Jeff]

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[Burt]

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[Jeff]

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[Melissa]

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[Jen Hobby]

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[Melissa]

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[Jeff]

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[Burt]

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[Ryan Seacrest]

Get it the bird show all.

[Burt]

Right, about Hayden Now I know I'm gonna be bordering on the line of being slightly obsessed here, but I think I'm doing it in a way that's sly enough to where it can't be considered unhealthy. And I know whenever I approach the subject about, about sports because I'm, I really want my, my 4 year old to be involved in sports. I want, I want to complain about having to take him to baseball at 2 o' clock and then soccer at 5:30. I really want that as a father. Right. But Melissa has warned me that her dad did that with her brother and like, I mean, completely ostracized him from any kind of sports.

[Jeff]

Right?

[Jen Hobby]

Yeah, he did. I mean, well, first of all, I'm concerned that Bird is calling his son four years old when he doesn't turn four until when, September? Four?

[Jessica]

Since like February?

[Jamie Massey]

Still three.

[Jen Hobby]

But yeah, I, I had told, yeah, I had told Bird off air a long time ago how my father, who was athletic, his sport was basketball. So he's a big basketball star in his hometown and he went into the military and he's a guy's guy. And then my brother, who is still a, you know, he's more of a quiet guy who is not as coordinated in the same sports my father was in. I think where I felt like my father failed, you know, when it came to that, was that he didn't look at my brother, as my brother, to see what he might be good at. Because my brother loves sports. He loves watching sports. But my father was so critical of everything he did when he was young that my brother, you know, was fearful of even trying to be, you know, a guy who does sports himself, because he's not. He was not as coordinated as my father. So, you know, instead of making him try to be a basketball player, then my father should have found a way that my brother could have been good at something else, because he had the build. He just didn't have, you know, the skill. He wasn't fast. But there's plenty of things for big guys who aren't fast positions they can play either in football or something else. But my father didn't really. All he saw was lack of something that my father had. And so I think for Bert, the only thing I've always warned him is if you come on too strong. And I brought Great Santini. If nobody knows that book and knows that movie, I mean, that's the overbearing father who just, you know, forces the children just to hate to grow up too fast.

[Burt]

Well, he's just so competitive that it's.

[Jen Hobby]

Competitive with his own children.

[Burt]

It tears apart the relationship.

[Jen Hobby]

Exactly. And so I think my father was borderline, you know, sorry to, you know, say any negative things about him, but I think his borderline of being more competitive with my brother and trying to teach him sports that way instead of being a nurturing kind of dad. So my thing with Bert is he. I mean, from day one, as soon as he had a son, Burt wanted that son to be a sports gun. He's good. And I think that that's common with most fathers and their sons. I just think that as a guy, you have to understand that I think there's a danger, and if you come on too strong, you're going to do the exact opposite of your intention.

[Burt]

Agreed. And the way it feels now is like, I don't even want him to be good at sports. I just want him to be interested in it. And my son has zero interest in sports whatsoever.

[Jeff]

That's not true. Like, when you took him to Piedmont park, he was into the gymnasts.

[Jen Hobby]

Yeah.

[Burt]

What Jeff is talking about, and this is part of the history that I have with Hayden, is that I'm being very selective on how I introduce him to sports without pushing it on him. So if I'm watching SportsCenter on ESPN, I'll bring Hayden over to the couch so maybe we can watch together. I don't demand it, but he's got no interest in it. Two seconds, he's gone. That I understand what Jeff is talking about is a couple of months ago, up at Chastain park, all these football teams are out there practicing. These Pop Warner teams are out. I mean, there are hundreds of them every single day. So I figure, you know, what if we're around it and he sees kids just a little bit bigger than him playing, maybe he'll start to get a little interested in it, start asking about it. So in a sea filled with hundreds of children sweating, tackling each other, testosterone, mini testosterone flying all over the place.

[Jen Hobby]

It's like the testosterone kiddie pool.

[Jeff]

Yes.

[Burt]

It's training pretty much. There are three girls in a sea of hundreds of boys practicing their cheering on one end of one end zone. And my son takes a look at all the football players and then makes a beeline over the cheerleaders and wants to learn how to cheer. So that backfired on me. So now I started bringing soccer balls home just in hopes that maybe if we kick it around a little bit, I'm not pushing him. Just put it in front of his face, you know. Bert Santini, I joined a softball league on Sunday. Specifically. I have no interest in playing softball anymore, but I specifically joined it on Sunday just to bring Hayden down so he can watch daddy play baseball. Now. It worked on Sunday.

[Jessica]

It did.

[Burt]

It did work on Sunday. Cause he was there. He was growing.

[Jessica]

Did he bring his baby doll with him to the ballpark?

[Burt]

No baby doll, but if he wanted to, that would have been just fine. But he ran the bases after the game and didn't want to leave the park. So it worked. Worked a little bit.

[Jeff]

What do you mean it worked?

[Burt]

He was saying, like, he didn't want to leave.

[Jeff]

In your mission to create an athletic son, it works.

[Burt]

That's not what I'm saying. Interest in athletics, he could be bad. At this point, I don't even care if he's bad. I just want him to have an interest in it.

[Jen Hobby]

Save that. Because if he has an interest and then ends up being bad, you can't go to the next level and say, I'm going to get him lessons and I'm going to make him.

[Burt]

I will not be that parent. I will not be that parent.

[Jeff]

But if he has an interest in baseball and he's just not good at it, you're going to be the one who. You're going to hire Henry Aaron to, you know, teach.

[Jessica]

I remember that conversation. Didn't we talk to, like, Little League Parents that were hiring former professional baseball players to coach their kids.

[Burt]

And I was against that. I was totally against that because you take the fun out of it.

[Jen Hobby]

Right.

[Burt]

But what I have found myself doing, and here's where I think I've crossed the line, is that there is a kid that lives on our street, and he's like 6 years old and he's really into sports. And I find myself borrowing our neighborhood kid and bringing him over and, like, playing ball with him in front of my kid.

[Jeff]

Dude.

[Burt]

Just in hopes that Justin hopes.

[Jen Hobby]

Are you kidding me?

[Jeff]

You're creating a great spectator.

[Jen Hobby]

You're kidding me that you were bringing another child into your yard and playing with him in front of Hayden?

[Burt]

Well, yeah, I mean, Hayden can play if he wants, but we set up the soccer net and kick the ball around a little bit.

[Jeff]

So let me get this straight. When your wife Stacy reads in a.

[Jen Hobby]

Book, you are obsessed.

[Jeff]

Your wife Stacy.

[Burt]

I'm sort of interested.

[Jeff]

Reads in a book, one of her many manuals on how to raise kids. Right. She reads in multiple books that as a father, you should bring Hayden into the bathroom to show him how to use the bathroom. You have a problem doing that?

[Burt]

Yes. Well, she wanted me to go number two in front of my child because.

[Jeff]

That'S what all the child psychologists and the medical professionals say.

[Burt]

No, no, no. That was her own idea.

[Jeff]

That was just her.

[Jamie Massey]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Okay.

[Burt]

I've never read a book that said to do that.

[Jeff]

Okay, so you were nervous doing that. But he can still poop in the garage as long as he sees you kicking the football around with the 6 year old.

[Burt]

I don't care where he poops so long as he has a bat in his hand while he's doing it.

[Jessica]

But you did say that his natural. His natural interest in sports so far has been in nascar.

[Burt]

Yes.

[Jessica]

And in racing. And then he's really into that. Like, if that's on tv, he's all about it. Baseball, football, basketball. He couldn't care less.

[Burt]

And I just, I think it's because he's seen that cars movie now four times. So I was watching SportsCenter a couple of weeks ago, and they were showing highlights of a NASCAR race. And he just stopped what he was doing and then sat on the couch with me. We watched Nascar and now I've started to TiVo NASCAR for him.

[Jen Hobby]

See. Cause my thing is, like, if, as a parent. I'm not a parent, but as a parent, I would think if I was wanting my child to be interested in sports, that I would take on that Natural interest, regardless if it started from a Disney movie and focus on that.

[Burt]

He just doesn't know he has natural interest in the other sports. Yeah.

[Jessica]

My God, you sound like such a suburbanite.

[Burt]

He just used to it when Hayden.

[Jen Hobby]

Is on the psychologist kid listening to these tapes. Hey, this is Melissa. I defended you from day one.

[Burt]

Honey, how would you know you have a natural interest? Unless you see your dad playing baseball with the neighborhood kid?

[Jeff]

Unless it's forced on you. How do you know that you like that? Unless someone forces you to, your natural.

[Jen Hobby]

Interest should be that of your father's.

[Burt]

I'm not saying that. I'm just saying give it a shot. First, he's three. He's four. He is three. When you're 20 years old and you are a month and a half away from being 20, don't you say, I'm 21?

[Jeff]

No, you do, but your parents don't.

[Jen Hobby]

You are already not accepting the fact that he's three. You're already pressuring him to be a four year old. He's not four.

[Burt]

He's been three long enough.

[Jamie Massey]

Oh, my God.

[Jessica]

And he was a preemie, so he's not even really four when he turns four.

[Burt]

Oh, he's caught up quick.

[Jeff]

Yeah, your kid's like two and a half, dude.

[Burt]

Hey, Jan. Good morning. You're on the Burt Show.

[Melissa]

Hey, guys.

[Burt]

Hi.

[Melissa]

I feel Melissa's frustration. I, I think that part of your concern has to do. You know, Hayden is 3 and kids at 3, 2 and 3 years old like to run and jump and tumble. So of course he's interested in gymnastics now. Kids can't even play an organized sport until they're five. And I think there's a reason for that.

[Burt]

No, that is not true. They can play soccer at 4 years old.

[Jeff]

He's not 4 yet, though.

[Burt]

He's almost 4.

[Jen Hobby]

He isn't.

[Burt]

He's 4.

[Melissa]

Now.

[Jen Hobby]

I do want to say that I think also not only the tumbling, but I wonder if he was gravitated toward the gymnast at the park because that was the one thing you weren't looking at. Like, I guess even he's. I think he's even exerting independence at 3 because that was the one thing you weren't paying attention to and not in and not because I, I'm just assuming that while you were at the park you were saying, hey, Hayden, look at those baseball players. Hey, Hayden, look at them playing over there. Hey, Hayden, look at that bat. Wouldn't that be fun to swing?

[Jamie Massey]

And.

[Jen Hobby]

And then the only thing you weren't looking at was those women tumbling.

[Burt]

So in order to alienate him from wanting to be a cheerleader, I have to dress up as a cheerleader when he walks into the house. That I will do.

[Jen Hobby]

No, I'm just saying that. Don't you. I think you're, you don't realize how much you're still subtly forcing.

[Jeff]

You're saying that you, that you want to be able to go to the games and have to take him to practice at 2 o' clock and on the week and then every Saturday morning have to get up early and take him to a game. You can do those same things if he is a cheerleader. Like, he doesn't have to be a player.

[Jen Hobby]

I don't think it had anything to do with the sport. I think it had to do with the fact that that was what, you.

[Jeff]

Know, what you should do is that.

[Jen Hobby]

He wasn't pointing him to.

[Jeff]

You should have motivate him to be the best in his field. Like, if he's gonna be a cheerleader, he should be one of the cheerleaders with the ribbon, you know what I mean? Like, instead of just a pom pom cheerleader.

[Jen Hobby]

Well, the ribbon and the ball. Because I think that takes a lot of talent.

[Burt]

If he was gonna be an Olympic champion at that whole ribbon thing, then I would support that.

[Jeff]

Okay.

[Burt]

I would support that.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Jen Hobby]

He has to be good now.

[Jessica]

He does walk around on his tippy toes a whole lot, doesn't he? Does he still do that?

[Burt]

Yep.

[Jessica]

So if he was a ballerina, would you be okay with that?

[Jen Hobby]

No.

[Burt]

Yeah. I mean, honestly, I would like him, I would like him to play baseball and football and soccer, but if he's going to be about, you know, if he's going to be in the ballet, he's going to be in the ballet. That's the way it's going to work around here.

[Jeff]

He's a little fella, though.

[Jessica]

You're saying the words. I just don't think anybody's buying them.

[Burt]

Because there's a truth and there's like, you want to. I want him to be a baseball player. But if he's going to be in ballet, then he's going to be taking.

[Jen Hobby]

To Atlanta Motor Speedway.

[Burt]

I made the call yesterday. Okay. Hey, Tracy, Good morning. You're on all the hits. Q100 eyes.

[Jamie Massey]

Hi.

[Melissa]

I've got a six year old who's been playing baseball since he was four and I see nothing wrong with it as long as you don't push him into something he doesn't want to do.

[Burt]

That's exactly what I'm saying. Like, I'm not pushing him. No, I'm not. I'm introducing him. I'm just exposing him.

[Jen Hobby]

He.

[Melissa]

I mean, that's what we did when my son, he was three, about to turn four, and he played pre T ball. And it's nothing where pre T ball, anything like that. It was just to introduce him to baseball to see if he would like it, and he did. And he's been playing ever since.

[Jeff]

I shoved a soccer ball into my wife's uterus when the kid was just a fetus. Let him kick that around a little bit. Move the placenta out of the way, kick it all.

[Jen Hobby]

Now I'm a big sports fan. If I had children, I would want them to be involved in sports. I just think based on my brother's experience and watching him, you know, because I think he suffered because of that feeling like his father didn't accept for who he was.

[Burt]

And I hear you.

[Jen Hobby]

That I would pay more attention to what my child was naturally gravitated towards. So that's why I say that if he dropped. If the only thing he has dropped everything for is nascar. I can't believe I'm saying this about nascar, but push him in the direction. I mean, not push him, but expose him to more NASCAR stuff. You were pushing baseball on him because that was your sport.

[Burt]

I'm not pushing, I'm exposing. Playing with the neighborhood kid, borrowing the neighborhood kid is just exposing him.

[Jessica]

Do you really believe that?

[Jen Hobby]

No.

[Melissa]

I really have not.

[Jen Hobby]

If I was a kid and I saw my father playing with another kid, I'm be. Why didn't daddy love.

[Burt]

No, I mean, it's not like Hayden sitting in the living room while the kid is outside in the back in the backyard. I mean, we're all out there together. It's just that Hayden's off to the side.

[Jeff]

Hayden's off to the side working on his pirouette.

[Burt]

He's cheering, right?

[Jeff]

Get it?

[Ryan Seacrest]

The Birch Show.

[Burt]

Jamie Massey here. Uhoh. We have told you before that the history of Jamie Massey's dating life is not sad. It's laughable.

[Jeff]

No, it's pretty sad too.

[Burt]

But it gets to a point where it's so sad that you just have to. You have to embrace it and laugh about it.

[Jessica]

Well, it's kind of dysfunctional. I can't figure out why, like, I don't know if you have a type or like something that attracts you to these guys, that they just end up being losers.

[Jamie Massey]

Yeah, I definitely have been on a run.

[Burt]

Well, Isn't that.

[Jen Hobby]

Sure.

[Burt]

Isn't like, the true definition of, like, craziness is when you do the same things over and over and over again and you expect different results. Right?

[Jamie Massey]

Well.

[Burt]

Well, at least Jamie Massey here is trying something new. Why don't you tell him what you're trying, Jamie? Cause married guys aren't working out for you.

[Jamie Massey]

Yeah, yeah. There was the date with the guy who told me in the middle of dinner he was married. There was the guy that stiffed me for the check and so, you know, gotten a little younger.

[Jeff]

How old are you?

[Jessica]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Jamie Massey]

First of all, I'm 28 years old and I threw a friend of a friend was. I met this boy and he's a boy, literally. No, he's not a boy.

[Burt]

You were walking in to see Pirates of the Caribbean and he was there to see cars.

[Jeff]

Shut up. She was going to an R rated movie and he wanted to sneak in on her ID.

[Jamie Massey]

He is. He's 20.

[Burt]

20 years old.

[Jamie Massey]

20 years old.

[Jessica]

It's not quite Mary Kay Letourneau material, but it's close.

[Jamie Massey]

He is so hot. I can't help it.

[Burt]

See how the rules are totally broken.

[Jeff]

Where'd you see him? In Hollister?

[Jamie Massey]

Like I said, I met him through a friend of a friend. And yeah, I've gone out with him like three times.

[Burt]

This is a guy you've gone out with three times now?

[Jeff]

Dude, he's the best. He gets like, out of all the drivers at his store, he earns the most tips. He's awesome sometimes.

[Burt]

Do you let him drive? Are you teaching him how to drive a clutch?

[Jessica]

Okay, so 28 and 20 is not that bad. He's like your little hot summer fling, right?

[Jamie Massey]

Um, yeah.

[Jeff]

Do you love him?

[Burt]

Hold on a second, hold on. We gotta back up a second because in the post show meeting yesterday, 28 and 20 was a way bigger deal than it appears to be on the air.

[Jamie Massey]

Well, what, what, what? What really got me thinking about it was the fact that when I got my first car and I learned to drive at 16, he was 8.

[Jessica]

Okay, well, it's not the age difference that flips me out. It's the thing that she's not confessing about the 20 year old.

[Burt]

Oh, we just haven't gotten there yet.

[Jessica]

Okay, good.

[Jamie Massey]

We're still on the age even before.

[Burt]

We get to that. Melissa, you think 28 and 20, it doesn't matter if the woman is older.

[Jen Hobby]

Yeah, I. I try to be consistent. Like if I'm ick, you know, icked out by a 28 year old guy chasing after a 20 year old girl, then I can't be different. If it's a 28 year old woman and a 20 year old guy, it is different. You know, you call it.

[Jamie Massey]

You.

[Jeff]

No.

[Burt]

You don't think it's anything different?

[Jeff]

Yeah, it's. Wait, hold on. Whose side of my. Melissa still thinks it's. Melissa still thinks it's icky?

[Burt]

Yes.

[Jeff]

Yeah, it's still icky.

[Jessica]

Okay, wait a second. The icky formula is what? Take half of your age, which is 20, okay, plus seven.

[Jamie Massey]

I haven't done this yet.

[Jessica]

What?

[Jen Hobby]

You're okay, so she's okay because 17 is the youngest she can go.

[Jamie Massey]

But still, that's really icky. See, that would be icky. 28 and 20. He's very mature.

[Jen Hobby]

But you're like, you're still using his fake id.

[Jeff]

Your borderline icky to the point where it's still gross. Like, like it's like a piece of chicken that's just raw still, like in the very middle. Like you're still gonna eat it. You're probably not gonna get that sick, but you'll still throw up a little in your mouth.

[Jessica]

He can't even go out with you.

[Burt]

Yeah, like when you go to 1150 and do your gigs, I mean they're gonna stop him right at the door.

[Jamie Massey]

We've only gone out like three times.

[Jessica]

And what did you guys do when you went out?

[Jeff]

Chuck E. Cheese.

[Jamie Massey]

Chuck E. Cheese? No.

[Burt]

Did he get stuck in the little tunnel?

[Jeff]

Did you all save them?

[Jessica]

Did you take him to the Disney store?

[Jamie Massey]

Y' all are funny. No, it all started because he had never seen Lost and I have it on my ipod. And I was like, well, you can come over sometime and watch it.

[Jen Hobby]

And I didn't.

[Jamie Massey]

I mean, I knew how old he was and I wasn't expecting it to be like a dating thing. And then I just kind of got a little crush on him.

[Jessica]

You are such a predator. That's what you are.

[Jen Hobby]

You're little boy. I have a toy that I want you to look at.

[Jeff]

So like when you. So, so you're. It's not, it's not a date. So you don't get all dressed up or anything and he's coming over and then when his mom's car pulled up, did you get nervous or excited?

[Jen Hobby]

Just give him his passy. It's okay.

[Burt]

Well, she felt nervous because she had to have him home by 10 o'cl and it was already 8:30. Things had to progress quickly. Now normally when you go out with a younger Guy. Let's be honest. There's one reason why you go out with a guy that's young. It's because it's.

[Jen Hobby]

I have.

[Burt]

Good looking.

[Jen Hobby]

You just said how hot he was. And a lot of women in the audience are thinking, well, he's a young stud, no wonder he's going out with him.

[Burt]

And dude can go the distance. That's the reason why older women go out with younger guys, because they can go the distance. How far is his distance? Jamie Massey?

[Jamie Massey]

He doesn't have a distance.

[Jeff]

What do you mean?

[Jen Hobby]

What do you mean?

[Jamie Massey]

He. I. You say. But I don't want to say it because I would look like a.

[Jeff]

Is he a virgin?

[Jamie Massey]

Yes.

[Jeff]

Are you going to deflower him?

[Burt]

No.

[Jessica]

So he's 20 and he's a virgin and he's saving himself.

[Jamie Massey]

Yes.

[Jessica]

For marriage?

[Jamie Massey]

Yes.

[Burt]

So my.

[Jeff]

Have you guys done anything like a jerk?

[Jen Hobby]

That's the point.

[Burt]

That's what I said. I said, look, if you're sexually frustrated now, wouldn't you rather be sexually frustrated alone rather than this hot piece of 20 year old meat in front of you that you can't do anything with?

[Jessica]

Well, that's the only reason you're dating hot piece of 20 year old meat in the first place, is to, you know.

[Jeff]

Well, you can still do the old high school stuff. Summer fling, like he could. Summer loving, touch you above your bra, the dirty pant rub, all those things.

[Jessica]

Dirty pant rub.

[Jeff]

It's a nice way of saying dry hump.

[Jessica]

Oh.

[Melissa]

Delete that.

[Burt]

So you. I mean, there's really. I don't understand.

[Jamie Massey]

Yeah, I know it's very frustrating. And I'm still, I'm still figuring all this out. I mean, it's only been like three times now.

[Jessica]

Wait, three times?

[Jen Hobby]

Figuring what out? That he's just.

[Jamie Massey]

I mean, I just am learning all of these. These things I don't.

[Burt]

There must have been a point where you were so aggressive that he had to say, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I am waiting until I am gonna be married. Yeah, because I mean, in three days. That normally wouldn't come up. So I'm assuming you jumped on him like a shark on Chum and he said something like, wait a second, I gotta set the record straight.

[Jen Hobby]

Yeah. How did it come up?

[Jessica]

Yeah, I wanna know how that conversation started.

[Jeff]

What's the normal amount of time that meets. That passes between Jamie Massey meeting a feller and mounting him?

[Jamie Massey]

Oh my God, I am really uncomfortable with this conversation right now. No, it actually just came up in normal conversation.

[Burt]

How does it come up in normal conversation.

[Jamie Massey]

We were watching Teat Lost or something like that, and Dora watching Dorothy. It was my favorite episode of spongebob.

[Burt]

No, this thing just doesn't come up in normal conversations.

[Jamie Massey]

Well, I think it became like kind of a religious talk. Like it turned to a bit of a religious talk and he said, yeah, by the way, I'm saving myself for marriage. And I was like, saving what? So that's kind of how it turned out.

[Jessica]

Okay, wait, now I want to know what you say after he says that. But you're like, oh, fabulous.

[Jeff]

Hold on, let me get dressed. That's the first thing she says.

[Jamie Massey]

No, I just, I. To be honest with you, he said, I'm saving myself for marriage. And I was like, why? And I felt like, you know, you know, a 28 year old single woman with a hot 20 year old dude, you're gonna be like, dude, why you.

[Burt]

Have to make a plea.

[Jamie Massey]

Sure, yeah, but see, then you come to the fact. And I thought about that, like making that plea, you know, Come on, dude, seriously, you know, and what Jeff said earlier.

[Jeff]

But if I was, what did I say earlier?

[Jamie Massey]

You were talking about deflowering a young man. But if he has made this decision and has lasted, you know, 20 years, good looking guy, gone all the way through high school and into college, you know, keeping himself, I cannot be the.

[Jen Hobby]

One to do that.

[Jeff]

He's lasted like 20 years.

[Burt]

He's lasted like six. Well, nowadays he's lasted eight.

[Jamie Massey]

Yeah, lasted eight, so. But I could not do that because like say he was. Felt guilty about it. He would resent me for the rest of his life.

[Jessica]

No, I don't think that you should do him. I think that you should stop dating him. Because what I don't understand is like after he drops the big V bomb, the virgin bomb, and that he's saving himself. Like, where does it go from there? Like, have you gone out with him again since then?

[Jamie Massey]

Don't I turn into like a complete. If like all of a sudden I'm like, won't date him anymore because he doesn't do that.

[Jessica]

Yes. Yeah, but who cares?

[Burt]

Yeah, but yeah, like why 17 year old virgin friends?

[Jessica]

I mean, who cares? Like, are you looking for a long term meaningful relationship with a 20 year old?

[Jeff]

No, you're gonna be the biggest bitch on MySpace. I wouldn't worry about it was just.

[Jamie Massey]

Like a nice guy, he was fun to hang out with. And I like, you know, it's not been like this big serious, like, oh my God, I'm.

[Burt]

You know, is there a possibility that he just said he was holding out to make himself even more attractive to her.

[Jeff]

That's brilliant.

[Jessica]

No.

[Jeff]

Yes.

[Jen Hobby]

Are you sure he's not lying?

[Jamie Massey]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Jessica]

You don't play the religious cardi. I mean that just doesn't go.

[Jeff]

Hold on a minute.

[Jen Hobby]

How was it? Why you say, how was it confirmed?

[Jamie Massey]

The friend of a friend who introduced me told me confirmed it because I asked and they were like, oh yeah, he's like a really, really good guy and he's really, he doesn't make you.

[Jen Hobby]

Bad to have sex, but he's like.

[Burt]

You'Re not looking for a really, really good guy right now. A 20 year old really, really good guy. You're not looking for that. Yeah, well, hey Melissa, you should go.

[Jeff]

On the other end of the spectrum. You should date 60 year olds.

[Burt]

Hey Melissa, go ahead.

[Melissa]

I am about to turn 30 and I am actually married to a 23 year old and he was a virgin when we started dating.

[Burt]

And how long did it take you to rob that of him?

[Melissa]

Six months.

[Burt]

Six months.

[Jen Hobby]

How old was he when you first started dating?

[Melissa]

He was 20.

[Burt]

But you know, you weren't going, I mean you knew that in your head as soon as he told you that he was a virgin that that was going to change if you were going to continue to date him.

[Melissa]

It was one of those where I had been married so I was like, I'm not, you know, maybe I'm not cut out to be your date. And I told him that and I had been divorced and so I just kind of was like, I'm obviously not. And he just said that, you know, he really had never found someone is what his point was is he never found someone who made him say, you know, yeah, I'm willing to go that far.

[Burt]

But was his for religious reasons?

[Melissa]

Partially, but it was more, it was, he got over the religious reasons when he fell in love.

[Burt]

I bet he did.

[Jessica]

When he found love. Uh huh. I don't think that's all he found.

[Burt]

Was there any amount of guilt on your part after the first time?

[Melissa]

No, actually there wasn't.

[Burt]

Was there any amount of guilt on his part after the first time?

[Melissa]

There wasn't. And it was actually six months later that he asked me to marry him. So we weren't even engaged. And I was actually really worried about the guilt and he was just like, no, I'm totally in love with you and I feel completely comfortable.

[Burt]

So what have you learned from this Jamie Massey? That if it does happen, it will be guilt free.

[Jamie Massey]

Awesome.

[Jen Hobby]

And then he Will ask you to marry him.

[Jamie Massey]

Not so awesome.

[Burt]

Hey, Dolores. Hey, Dolores. Good morning. You're on the Burt Show. Hey.

[Melissa]

No, I'm gonna tell Jamie. Don't do it. Just don't do it. Let somebody else be the person to take it from them, but don't do it.

[Jamie Massey]

Yeah, no, I don't want to be that person. That's too much pressure.

[Melissa]

That is too much pressure. But I mean, just mess around with him. Make out, but don't take it from him.

[Jamie Massey]

So it's okay for a 28 year old to make out with a 20 year old in her opinion?

[Jeff]

As long as your braces don't get locked in.

[Jen Hobby]

Well, we recalculated because I in my mind I was basing it on his age, the icky factor, not her age.

[Jessica]

And realized it's 28, it's her age and half. 14 plus 7 is 21.

[Burt]

So you're is icky factor.

[Jen Hobby]

So it is icky.

[Jessica]

It is icky.

[Burt]

That's the calculation for the icky factor. So you are.

[Jessica]

And that goes either way if the guy's older.

[Jamie Massey]

Yeah, I know how that works.

[Jessica]

Okay.

[Jamie Massey]

Heard of that before.

[Burt]

She's done the math. She don't care. Caitlin, good morning. You're on all the hits Q100.

[Melissa]

Good morning.

[Burt]

Morning.

[Melissa]

I think I should leave Jamie alone because if she's hot enough to get a 20 year old, then you gotta give her props.

[Jamie Massey]

Yes.

[Burt]

No, I mean, I give her all the compliments in the. I just think that she is adding to her frustration. I mean, he's that good looking. You obviously don't have a lot in common with this guy. There's one reason to go out with him. And he's denying you that based on the Bible.

[Melissa]

Well, I'm still senior in high school and I like look for guys that are still virgins. Like that's good for me. So I don't think you should steal it from him because that's awesome that he's like chosen to wait for marriage.

[Jen Hobby]

Well, Jamie can set y' all up.

[Burt]

Good morning. You're on all the hits Q100. Hi.

[Melissa]

Hi.

[Jeff]

Hey, what's up?

[Melissa]

Oh, really? Honestly, let that go.

[Jen Hobby]

Let it go.

[Melissa]

Let it go real quick, honey. Run in the other direction and find you another 20. 21, 2019, for God's sakes. But get you some ass and get it quick.

[Burt]

If you've learned nothing from listening to.

[Jessica]

The Burt show today, I'll remember that last night.

[Burt]

There's the nugget of wisdom.

[Jeff]

Go get you some hats and get it Quick.

[Burt]

Awesome. Are you gonna officially dump them? Are you gonna ha. You go.

[Jessica]

I mean, it's.

[Jamie Massey]

It's not even to the breakup dumping point, you know, I mean, just write.

[Jen Hobby]

Them a note, fold it up with a little tuck underneath it, little tab so you can pull it out.

[Burt]

You're on the Burch show.

[Jessica]

All right, so for the guys that are gonna be getting ready today to go out this weekend, get their groove on, maybe they're gonna go out to Vision and party with Ph. Wendy for her 21st birthday or whatever. Guys, if you're going out to hook up, you gotta pay attention to this list. And ladies, you're gonna agree with me on this one, because I read it and I'm like, yep, yep, yep. It's seven body parts that men don't think that women notice. But we do. We notice these on you guys. Okay, so we're just gonna just go right down this list and you guys help me out here. If you've got any advice to contribute for the guys. We're. We're helping out the guys. We're gonna help them hook up this weekend.

[Jeff]

And this is the. Like, you had read just one?

[Jessica]

Yeah, I just read one of them to Jeff and yeah, he liked it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Okay, so these are parts that women notice on guys.

[Jessica]

Women notice these on you guys. But you guys don't think you have to do anything to take care of these body parts. But you do. Number one eyebrows. Okay, fellas, you don't have to have them sculpted. Certainly we don't want you to have over, you know, thinner eyebrows than we do. But you should never, never, never have a unibrow. And if they're completely, completely overgrown, you can go in and get them trimmed.

[Jen Hobby]

Up a little bit.

[Jessica]

You could even probably trim them yourself.

[Jeff]

Don't try that. No, I wouldn't. That's. I mean, that's dangerous. That's on your face.

[Jessica]

Do you get your eyebrows cleaned up?

[Jeff]

I do.

[Jessica]

Where do you go to get it done? You're like, I don't know if I want to.

[Jeff]

No. I don't even know the name. I don't even know the name.

[Jen Hobby]

He doesn't want to give his secrets away.

[Jeff]

It's in the plaza where the Whole Foods is in Sandy Springs.

[Jessica]

Yeah. Is it like a nail shop that also does, like, some eyebrow stuff or.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Is it just the Home Depot on Lindbergh?

[Jessica]

An eyebrowist?

[Jeff]

No, it's a nail shop.

[Jessica]

Uh huh.

[Jeff]

It's where Jessica goes. So that's where I go.

[Jen Hobby]

The whole food shopping center at Sandy Springs?

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Jen Hobby]

Huh.

[Jessica]

So, yeah, you guys gotta clean them up.

[Jeff]

You know where the. In the back, there's the Canton Cook's Chinese Restaurant.

[Jessica]

Okay.

[Jeff]

Right next to it, there's the.

[Jen Hobby]

Whatever the place is.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Jen Hobby]

Oh, okay.

[Jeff]

Right there.

[Jessica]

It's not embarrassing as a guy to go in and get your eyebrows done.

[Jeff]

I'll admit it, the first time or two, it was, like, a little traumatic. But then, like, every now and again, you'll pass another guy or something. So, like, I agree with this list. And you can thank Jessica for my agreement of it. Because if you, as a guy, if you go in to get some of this stuff done, you will eventually notice other guys in there. And then you're like, okay, well, this is cool.

[Jen Hobby]

And it's like, if Jen says, if the woman is paying attention to it, I mean, it's an investment into your sexual life. I know. That's what God's most important thing is.

[Jessica]

Exactly. All right, two on the list is your nails. She's gonna notice if you've got long, long fingernails, if you got dirt underneath them, if they're yellow, if they're hideous. Long, dirty nails just are assigned to a woman that you normally aren't touching a woman. Okay. Like, you are not hooking up very often if you got long, dirty, crusty fingernails, and she doesn't want those rubbing all over her body. And that's what you want to do with your hands. Right. So clean them up and go to the nail shop again. Same place you can get the eyebrows done and the nails done. Now, I have never, ever, ever been able.

[Jen Hobby]

Because I agree with that. And that's men or women. I mean, if you don't. I just. Yeah, the. The whole unkept, you know. Yeah. No, you gotta take care of your hands. Take care of your hands because people will notice your hands faster than they notice other things.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I can't bring myself to go in and get a pedicure. I know I need to eventually. I don't know, because that. My biggest nervous habit is biting my nails. And I've always done it my entire life, and I know I need to. So they're not.

[Jen Hobby]

Pedicure's your feet.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I'm sorry.

[Jen Hobby]

Toenails.

[Jeff]

You're very flexible. Can I see you by your toenails?

[Jessica]

All right, next on this list is dry skin. Okay. So we need to debunk the fact that men don't have beauty products. It's okay for you to have moisturizer, don't you think?

[Jeff]

Right.

[Jessica]

And I can add my two cents. You gotta add Some moisturizer with some SPF in it. Okay. To, you know, make sure you don't.

[Jeff]

Go really starting to feel self conscious sitting there. Jen, hobby. Because I feel like she's gonna be very critical of me.

[Jessica]

Why?

[Jeff]

I don't know. Maybe I'm ashy.

[Jessica]

Women just notice dry skin. So get some moisturizer. You know, she'll definitely appreciate that. Now this one Phil just actually touched on. But women notice your jacked up feet. Okay. It's summertime. Men are wearing mandals. And if you got jacked up toes and you got jacked up toenails and they're dirty and they're crusty, we notice them. And that can be a definite turn off.

[Jeff]

Let me try to sell the whole manicure pedicure package this way. Because honestly, there's the wax and like.

[Jen Hobby]

For Phil, manicure is for your hands and pedicures are for your feet. Right.

[Jeff]

Like, if you're. This is either for guys who are, like, on the fence about it or for women who are looking for a way to sell their guys on it.

[Jessica]

I'm looking for a way my husband takes care of his hands and his feet at home. But I think it would really be good. Like, I think he would enjoy it and it would be awesome if he went, but there is no way. I couldn't get him in there kicking and screaming.

[Burt]

But I.

[Jeff]

Like, maybe the first time you need to do it is you do it, like, at a real nice salon. You don't go to one of those nail shops type of thing, like the Nail Talk and Tan type of a place and every other strip mall, but go to a nice salon, like Spacadel or something. Spacadel type place. And take your guy, you know, give your guy a gift certificate. And the cell is for, I don't know, 30 minutes. Like, he is going to have a woman paying physical attention to him. Rubbing, like, because there's. They massage and they put like oil on and the whole thing.

[Jen Hobby]

Sometimes paraffin and everything.

[Jeff]

Yeah. And like, there's gonna be a whole, like, for 30 minutes to an hour, there is going to be a woman focused on giving him physical attention.

[Jen Hobby]

Right.

[Jeff]

And every guy likes that. So it's the initial. Like, I know, I know this makes me sound very Bert, like, but it's the initial. Like, get in there and get it done. You know what I mean? Like, it's the initial, get it done. And then once you. Once you're done, no reason to be scared.

[Jen Hobby]

There's a woman paying attention to you. And then in the End there'll be another woman paying a lot more attention to you because of what you've done.

[Jessica]

And I don't know if you've had this experience, Jeff, but when I get finished with the manicure pet, I can't stop looking at my hands and my feet.

[Jeff]

Do you do that?

[Jessica]

You look at them and you're like.

[Jamie Massey]

Man, yeah, they look good.

[Jeff]

I think the difference is with. Because you guys will get all polished and stuff. Guys just get their nails cut and stuff. So I don't. I don't think I do that.

[Jessica]

All right, so fix your jacked up feet. Also, ear and nose hair. Women notice this kind of stuff. It's the same thing as women that have visible facial hair. It's not gonna be really attractive to you guys if a woman's got like a bunch of facial hair. So for. It's the equivalent if we look and you've got nose hair popping out and ear hair popping out. Same thing as women having a mustache.

[Burt]

Clean it up.

[Jessica]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jen Hobby]

Grime yourself.

[Jessica]

The next one on the list is yellow teeth stained and yellow teeth are a huge turnoff for women. So, you know, get some of those Crest white strips or some whitening toothpaste or something like that. Mouthwash, you know, take care of it. And then the last thing on the list of parts that men think women don't notice, but we really do, is back hair. Even if you got a shirt on, if you got a tuft of hair sticking out back of your collar, she's gonna notice it and it's gonna definitely diminish your chances of hooking up this weekend.

[Ryan Seacrest]

We're sitting at a deck at a restaurant this weekend, and there was a dude sitting next to me. And there's some guys were just hairy and you could see the shave line right at his neck, like right around his entire neck where he would shave all the way down to here. And sprouting up from underneath his collar like. Like it was a fur turtleneck coming out.

[Jeff]

Like he's wrapped in a towel underneath there.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yes. Was hair just coming out of everywhere. And it was a dude and he was with his wife. And I was like, that annoyed me.

[Jessica]

Yeah, it's. Yeah, it's one of those things that if you got that, you know, creeping out the top of your shirt, she's totally going to notice it and think about what it looks like with your shirt off.

[Jeff]

Just so you know, the majority of guys who listen to that were doing a yes, no banging their head. And I. There are a lot of guys who went 0 for 7. Who are really going to have a hard time going out this weekend. I know you are going to have.

[Jessica]

A hard time going out this weekend. Just fix it.

[Jeff]

I know you wanted that to be a helpful, nice, kind list, but there are guys who are like, I don't even have a chance. I got a hairy back, yellow teeth.

[Jessica]

Here you go. Eyebrows, nails, dry skin, jacked up feet, ear and nose hair. Yellow teeth and back hair. Seven things you guys gotta take care of. Cause we notice, we pay attention.

[Jeff]

Perfect. Thanks Jen Hobby. Listen, it's the vert show. I don't remember. Do you guys remember what we were talking about yesterday?

[Melissa]

Oh, lockdown.

[Jessica]

Lockdown of the house.

[Jeff]

Jen Hobby told a very funny story about a friend of hers who got locked outside the house. And so our intern Jennifer stepped up cause she had a story about that. This is her talking to us yesterday.

[Jamie Massey]

Yeah. Well, I was babysitting and the kid and I were playing in the yard and the ball went over the fence or something and he got pissed and ran inside the house and locked me outside.

[Jen Hobby]

How old was he?

[Jamie Massey]

About 10.

[Jessica]

So you trapped the house?

[Melissa]

So I was locked outside the house.

[Jamie Massey]

And so like I had to go.

[Jessica]

To the neighbor's house and and be.

[Burt]

Like the 10 year old kid locked.

[Jeff]

Me out of the house. 404-741-1005 I have never babysat in my life. I don't know how I was okay with that. Well, I'm an only child so I didn't have any siblings to deal with and there were so many kids deal with.

[Jessica]

I like the way you said that.

[Jeff]

And there were so many kids on our street, like girls on our street who were like babysitters that I never got roped into. Like my parents were going out with the neighbors and I had to watch the neighbor's kid or something. So there are always girls willing to do it for whatever. So I never had to deal with the adventures of babysitting. To take it from the movie, I.

[Jen Hobby]

Did, believe it or not, one time I actually babysat one time, two little boys. And it was one time.

[Jessica]

It scarred you for life.

[Jen Hobby]

Because I'm the youngest and so I didn't have to babysit any younger siblings. So I wasn't used to younger siblings. And most of my friends didn't have younger siblings. So most of my friends were the babies of the family too. So little kids still intimidate me. And so I that. And so yeah, so I mean the kids survived, the parents came home, the house was okay, you know, Like I said, they were still alive. So, I mean, it was successful, but I only did it one time.

[Jessica]

Yeah, I babysat for most. I mean, everybody. We were earlier talking about our first jobs and our, like, crazy first jobs. Most of my. All of my first jobs were all babysitting.

[Jeff]

I would you with your friends have, like, a baby business?

[Jessica]

No, we didn't have a club or anything, but my mom is a teacher, and so of course, we knew lots of families through the school. My mom's an elementary school teacher, so. Or was an elementary school teacher. And so anyway, so I always babysat for the kids in her class and all the different families at her school and everything else. But I think the biggest adventures in babysitting nightmare. And that's what we want right now, right?

[Jeff]

Absolutely.

[Jessica]

404-741-1005. Commiserate with me and intern Jennifer with your adventures in babysitt, sir. Nightmares. Yeah.

[Jeff]

And I know we're gonna get, like, the first call. Hey, hey, Erin.

[Melissa]

Hey.

[Jeff]

The first call is another lockout call. But how long is it gonna be before we get the. Dad tried to make out with me on the drive home.

[Jessica]

Well, that was about to be mine.

[Jeff]

Come on.

[Jessica]

Really? I'll tell you about it in a second.

[Jeff]

All right, Erin, let's hear it.

[Melissa]

I was babysitting, and it was an overnight job. We were letting the dog out one last time. The little girl was nine years old. We got locked out of the house. It was 10:30. We had to call her parents were in New York and find out if they had a key somewhere outside in the house. They didn't, so I had to break in. But all the while my car was open. Their cats got locked in my car. When we finally got into the house, the cats were locked in my car and used the back of my car as a litter box all night long.

[Jessica]

Oh, God.

[Melissa]

And I didn't find out that the cats were in my car until we realized they were missing at about noon the next day. They were in my car for about. About 14 hours.

[Jeff]

Oh, neat.

[Jen Hobby]

Yeah. You didn't get that smell out, right?

[Melissa]

No, it did. I had like a 12 pack cardboard box in the back of my car. And the cats use that fortunately, so I didn't have to clean a whole lot. It just stunk really bad for a while.

[Jeff]

All right, thanks for the call, Aaron.

[Melissa]

Thanks.

[Jeff]

Hey, Elizabeth.

[Jessica]

Yes.

[Jeff]

Let's hear your. This one is still hurting you.

[Melissa]

I was babysitting a six year old who we were playing outside. He got upset and locked me out of the house. Luckily, the parents had a spare key. When I got into the house, he had crawled out of his bedroom window on the second floor to the roof of the house.

[Jen Hobby]

You're six years old.

[Melissa]

Had to climb out onto the roof to get him back in.

[Jessica]

Oh God. Oh my.

[Jeff]

How much? Let me ask you a question, Elizabeth. How much were you making?

[Melissa]

I think $4 an hour.

[Jeff]

Yeah, $4 an hour. And that's what you're crawling on the roof to rescue a squirmy six year old?

[Melissa]

Absolutely. That's why I don't want kids now.

[Jeff]

Hey, Carolyn. Yeah, what's up?

[Melissa]

Not much.

[Jeff]

Let's hear your story.

[Melissa]

I went to the first time for a house to babysit for a young girl and it was a single mom. And she showed me where everything was in the house and then proceeded to show me where the handgun was. It was loaded and let me know that if her ex husband showed up to shoot first and ask questions later.

[Jen Hobby]

Oh my God.

[Jessica]

You have gotta be kidding me.

[Jen Hobby]

Oh God.

[Melissa]

I went once and I called her back and said, sorry, I don't think it's gonna work.

[Jessica]

Yeah, your four bucks an hour is not gonna be worth it, lady.

[Jeff]

Right?

[Melissa]

No, no. And thank God, now I'm up to 10.

[Jeff]

A manslaughter charge.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Burt]

I don't know.

[Jeff]

She showed me where the handgun was. She was making four bucks. Maybe I'd get a tip if I killed her ex husband.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I guess I was what, 14, 15 when I was maybe younger babysitting. And there was a family I was babysitting for and the little girl that I was watching was two or three years old. So we put her to bed at like 8 o' clock or whatever and she still had the baby monitor. So I was downstairs watching TV or going through their pantry, whatever you do when you babysit. And I had the monitor sitting right beside me. And so it's probably 10 o' clock at night and the family said they'd be home about midnight. Girl's been asleep for a couple hours and I start hearing through the little baby monitor, hey, do you want to hear a story? Do you want to hear a story? Come on, just go to bed and you can hear a story. And I just pick it up and I'm looking at it. I'm like straight out of Movie. You can see like the volume bars moving from the baby monitor. I have one, the little girl who's asleep in her bedroom. She has the only other one.

[Jeff]

The call came from inside the house.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And the voice just keeps saying, just go to bed, and we'll tell you a story. And we'll tell you a story. So I'm like, 14 years old. I'm flipping out. I'm thinking in my head, okay, somebody's broken into the house. Katie was the little girl's name. I'm thinking, she woke up and they're trying to put her back to sleep by saying, well, read you a story if you close your eyes. So being the Rambo that I am, I run in the kitchen, grab a knife, and then. And then I go running upstairs to her room and. Or peek around the corner, and she's just sound asleep. So I'm still looking at my baby monitor. I'm going, what is going on? It is the neighbors next door. There was interference on the lines, so they were trying to put their son to sleep. And I could hear their baby monitor trying to put him asleep telling him a story, but I flipped out.

[Jeff]

That'll pan. That'll cause you a little nervousness. Yeah. Hey, Jessica. Yeah, what's up?

[Melissa]

I was babysitting two little boys or whatever, and I went in the kitchen to cook them, you know, something to eat for dinner.

[Jeff]

Right.

[Melissa]

And I sat him down to watch cartoons in the living room. And I come back in the living room, and the oldest, who had to be like, 6 years old, has pooped on himself and smeared it all over the wall.

[Jessica]

You are kidding me.

[Melissa]

No. And so I had to call the parent. I'm like, well, what am I supposed to do? You know? What's going on? She's like, oh, I meant to tell you. He's just going through a phase. Just a phase?

[Jessica]

No, no. If your child is wiping poop on the walls, then you stay home during that phase. You're having a babysitter to deal with that. Oh, my gosh.

[Jeff]

It's his artistic period. Like, he's just experimenting.

[Jessica]

It's renaissance nasty. I mean, they have to test kids with IQ points on that.

[Jeff]

Hey, Michelle. Yes, go ahead.

[Melissa]

I was about 15 years old and babysitting for a lady that I absolutely adored. She had one son. A girlfriend was actually with me at the time. And the next, after they came home and I get home the next day, she comes knocking on my door and accuses me of stealing jewelry from her house.

[Jen Hobby]

Oh, no, you are kidding.

[Melissa]

No. And so, unfortunately, my boyfriend had also stopped by, and the little boy had thrown up on him. So he had actually gone inside the house to wipe the yak off his shirt and stuff.

[Jeff]

Right.

[Melissa]

He had to go to court as well, so. Yeah. So Like, I actually. I was 15 years old. I got read my rights. They were going to arrest me. I had to go to court. I was proven innocent because I absolutely did not take her jewelry and would have never done that.

[Jeff]

Did anybody. You said you had a friend with you and your boyfriend. Did they either.

[Melissa]

They had to go to court, they had to testify as far as what they were doing in the house and so on and so forth, and it was absolutely horrible.

[Jeff]

And none of them, Nobody was found guilty.

[Melissa]

Nobody was found guilty, have no idea what happened to her jewelry. But I obviously did not get any more babysitting jobs in the neighborhood after.

[Jeff]

All right, thanks for the call, Michelle.

[Melissa]

Yep.

[Jeff]

All right, we gotta hear Jen Hobby's story, but I want to make sure. Hey, Melissa.

[Melissa]

Hi, Jess.

[Jeff]

Can you hang on?

[Melissa]

Sure.

[Jeff]

Okay. Because we want to hear the story about the 8 year old chasing you with the knife.

[Melissa]

Yeah, it's fabulous. You would appreciate it. It was for Bon Jovi tickets. It's the only reason why babysat.

[Jeff]

Nice. All right, good. Hold on. And then. So we've got chased. And then. Hey, Laura.

[Melissa]

Yeah?

[Jeff]

Can you hold on so we can hear the story about getting chased around with golf clubs?

[Burt]

Sure.

[Jeff]

Okay, cool.

[Jessica]

Oh, my God, these poor women.

[Jeff]

Hey, Anna.

[Melissa]

Yeah?

[Jeff]

Can you hold on? Cause we want to hear the story about the girl sneaking outside and getting stuck in a tree in her underwear.

[Melissa]

No problem.

[Jeff]

Hold on. All right.

[Jessica]

Oh, my God. Well, I don't think that mine's nearly as entertaining. I mean, I had a couple different situations babysitting, but it was never with the kids being bad. It was with the parents because it was like. Because I was there. It was their night to go out and get hammered.

[Jamie Massey]

Right?

[Jeff]

Right.

[Jessica]

So one time I had to call my mom to come and get me because the dad who wanted to drive me home was so wasted, I didn't want to get into the car with him. And then I definitely had a dad hit on me on the way home.

[Jeff]

So how does that happen? Like you're in the front seat, like.

[Jessica]

It was just being.

[Jeff]

Is it like it is in the movies? Like, where, like, you're kind of sitting in the front seat, like on your hands, just looking straight ahead and there's a guy. Because I'm assuming that most babysitters are hired by the mom.

[Jessica]

Right.

[Jeff]

So you probably don't even know him that well.

[Jessica]

Right. And then when the mom gets home, she wants to get out of the, you know, high heels and the fancy clothes that she went out in and check on the kids or whatever. So it's like, oh, honey, you drive.

[Jeff]

Her home, and he's got his tie loosened and he smells a little bit of alcohol. What's he doing?

[Jessica]

It's just. It was. I mean, he didn't, like, go in to kiss me or anything like that, but it was like the touching of the shoulders and the rubbing of the neck in the car and, you know, the touching of the hand and the, you know, we'll have to have you come back over and everything else. And it was just like, could. Could not wait to get out of the car.

[Jeff]

And you're like, ew.

[Jessica]

I was just like, thanks. Bye. Go, run.

[Jen Hobby]

Right.

[Jessica]

And sometimes they wouldn't, like, pay you till the end of it, too, so you don't want to be like, you know, like. Like he would keep you in the car. Like, you know, even you get back to your house or whatever, and he's, like, still, like, talking and doing this, like, slurry flirting thing while he's, like, trying to figure out how much money he owes you. And that's. Oh, awful.

[Jamie Massey]

Awful.

[Jeff]

Good times. Very good times. Hey, Laura.

[Melissa]

Yep.

[Jeff]

You a kid in a golf club?

[Melissa]

That's right. I used to babysit for the people that lived across the street from me on a pretty regular basis when I was younger. And, you know, typical parents went out, whatever, whenever to babysit. And this kid was just a kid from hell and went out to the garage, got one of his dad's golf clubs, and started to try and chase me around the house with this. And it was so bad that I ended up having to lock him in the garage, lock myself in the house, and call my dad from across the street to come over and get him because I was really afraid he was just gonna hit me in the head.

[Jeff]

Well, at least a golf club is tough to swing in a house. If the kid's chasing you with a knife like he did to Melissa, then it's much easier to inflict injury.

[Melissa]

Yes, it's true.

[Jeff]

Go ahead, let's hear the story.

[Melissa]

Okay. I was probably about 10 or 11, and I was babysitting over Christmas break, and we had a list of chores that we had to do, and the kids were probably, like, 8 and 7. And so the little boy wanted to watch a movie. And I told him after the movie was over, we were doing chores, so he said, okay, fine. So the movie goes off. I turn off the tv, and he proceeds to throw a temper tantrum and picks up a knife and chases me and his little sister into a living room and locks us in the Living room because we lived overseas. And all the door, like all the rooms have doors overseas with skeleton keys. So he locks us in the living room and he's like, like shoving the knife underneath the door, kicking and screaming on the door because he's mad that we turned off the tv.

[Jessica]

Dude, what is that little kid doing now?

[Jeff]

Life sentence.

[Melissa]

I think he's. He works for an electronics department.

[Jeff]

I think he did grow up to be fairly normal. Other than trying to stab the babysitter.

[Jamie Massey]

He did.

[Melissa]

He grew up to be normal and his sister ended up turning out to be crazy.

[Jen Hobby]

Well, having nightmares about her brother chasing her with a knife might do it.

[Jeff]

I don't know, Anna, you'll be the last phone call.

[Melissa]

Okay, so I was babysitting this five year old little girl. We were inside the house and she proceeded to go outside by herself. And I said, oh, I'll follow you in a minute, I'm just gonna get some drinks. She goes outside and then I'm looking for her, can't find her anywhere. And then I hear her at first laughing, then second she's like, help, help. And I'm looking around all over the place, I can't find her. And so finally after about 35 minutes, maybe 40 minutes, I'm like going closer because it was on a farm, so there were like trees everywhere. So I'm going around and then I see, I look up, I finally like look up because here the boys and she's hanging from her underwear off of a tree branch. I have to like, like huge wedgie. And so I have to go up the tree and then try to get her down. And then the worst part is like her parents come home and she didn't want her underwear on. So she was sitting over my lap and I'm like, it's okay cuz like it hurt her after like being up there I don't even know how long. And so her tush is in the air and then her parents are like, what's going on? I'm like, sorry, this message like, burned from the wedding.

[Jeff]

Yep. You do not want the parents to come home when you've got the kid on your lap with no underwear and burn marks down there.

[Jessica]

Chafe the booty is not a good.

[Jeff]

Sign that'll put an end to your babysitting career. Thanks for the call, Anna.

[Melissa]

Hey, no problem.

[Burt]

This is the Bird show.

[Jeff]

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[Melissa]

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[Jen Hobby]

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[Melissa]

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[Jeff]

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[Burt]

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