The Bert Show – Full Show PT 3: Monday, March 30 [Vault]

Aired: March 30, 2026
Main Hosts: The Bert Show cast (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy & Co.)
Featured Guest: Lady Gaga

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show is a lively, unscripted mix of celebrity interviews, cultural commentary, and comedic debates. The main highlight is an energetic and open interview with Lady Gaga, who shares her journey, creative process, and personal philosophies. The team also dives into entertaining offbeat topics like "Things Men Over 30 Shouldn’t Do" and eye-popping stories of "objectum sexuality" (people in romantic relationships with objects), all delivered with The Bert Show’s trademark humor and authenticity.

Key Sections & Discussion Points

1. Lady Gaga Interview: Candid, Bold, and Purposeful Artistry

[01:04 – 18:34]

The Real Lady Gaga: Hustle, Style, and Obsession

• Arriving from Tour: Gaga opens up about life on the road and sleeping in fishnets, highlighting the grind of touring life.

  "We got right on the bus from the show. I fell asleep in my fishnets... rolled off the bus this morning.” — Lady Gaga, [01:49]

• Work Ethic & Origins: She attributes her discipline and fearlessness to her early days hustling in New York, playing shows, go-go dancing to fund demos, and relentlessly self-promoting.

  “I was so fearless and wanted it so bad. And now it’s great because I get to do what I love every day... whenever I get on that stage and see those fans, it’s like, bang. It’s like eight cups of coffee.” — Lady Gaga, [02:23]

• Creative Control & Perfectionism: Gaga insists on being hands-on, describing herself as "bossy" but purpose-driven in her art.

  “You could say I’m a control freak or you could just say that I’m not a lazy pop singer.” — Lady Gaga, [04:26]
  “I spend every dollar that I make on iTunes... on my music and my show because I don’t care about buying fancy cars and condominiums.” — Lady Gaga, [04:32]

• Conflict with Label Conventions: She notes her rare creative freedom and trust with her label (Interscope), contrasting herself with artists who are more controlled by their record companies.

  “The label showed up, and they said, all right, Gaga, let’s see what you did. Right as it went to air… but they trust me… Listen, I’m not trying to teach Picasso to America, I just want to do something different.” — Lady Gaga, [06:02]

Building Her Show and Identity

• Indulgent Purchase: Her first “selfish” spend was on a custom-built bubble piano, a creative piece for her show.

  “That bubble piano—when I told everyone how much that piano costs before I built it, they were like, you are on drugs.” — Lady Gaga, [07:05]

• Loyalty to Her Roots: Gaga recounts returning to NYC’s Lower East Side and how her local community has celebrated her ascent rather than shunned her.

  “I went home and I was welcomed with open arms by my friends... it’s a new story and a new vibe.” — Lady Gaga, [08:12]

Art vs. Criticism

• Not ‘Selling Out’ to Pop: Gaga’s move into pop was intentionally radical for the downtown music scene.

  “Pop is like the antithesis of all things cool… what if I did a pop show that these rock and roll kids would want to go see?” — Lady Gaga, [09:06]

• Dealing with Hate: Candidly, she embraces criticisms and isn’t apologetic for her bold persona.

  “A lot of it’s true, the negative things that they say. They say I’m pretentious, and I am… They say that I’m disgusting, and I’m quite disgusting, and I’m okay with that.” — Lady Gaga, [10:39]

Responding to Detractors (Spencer Pratt Drama)

• Grace Under Critique: When played a segment of Spencer Pratt critiquing her (“if you dress like a fool…”), Gaga remains poised and dismisses the drama with optimism.

  “He’s entitled to his opinion… If I cared about what Spencer Pratt thought about my fashion... I would be foolish.” — Lady Gaga, [13:41–14:17]
  “You have to empower people in your life that you know will teach you things. You have to stay focused on those people close to you that believe in what you do.” — Lady Gaga, [14:17]

Fan Connection & Public Perception

• Emotion with Fans: Gaga gets candid about tearful moments and gratitude for her audience.

  "I love my fans so much. You don’t even—I cry on stage like a child." — Lady Gaga, [15:01]

• Challenging Stereotypes: Dismisses the idea that she must be a self-destructive rock star and reinforces her dedication to her craft.

  “It is much more important to me to do a good job and have a great show than to have a bunch of models at a table in a nightclub. I’m just not that girl.” — Lady Gaga, [15:33]

Notable Light Moments

• Learning to Walk in Stilettos: Gaga credits bar dancing for her ability.

  “It’s a good thing I’ve been dancing on bars for years.” — Lady Gaga, [17:52]

2. Things Men Over 30 Shouldn’t Do

[19:56 – ~30:18]

A hilarious, rapid-fire conversation inspired by How I Met Your Mother and Esquire magazine’s list of “59 Things a Man Should Never Do Past 30.”

Notable Rules & Quips

• No beer pong, no futons, no ‘Velcro’ wallets after 30.

  “If you’re old enough to go to a bar and you’re like, hey, I got this round. I’m like, excuse me. What was that? Hold on, let me seal it back up…” — Radio Host, [26:05]

• Retire the college gym shorts and old concert/Greek shirts.

• No sideways baseball caps or talking about skateboard tricks.

• Don’t nickname your bong, or “own a bong bigger than your arm.”

• Naming Your Junk:

  “You should not name your unit. And at all. At all.” — Radio Host, [26:50]

• No yelling out “Are you ready to rock?” unless at a concert.

• Don’t hold weekly roommate meetings, make up a personal gang sign, rock the jersey number ‘69’, or wear biker shorts/baggy jeans.

• Eat Oreo cookies in ‘stages’ only in private—never on a date.

• No sunglasses-on-the-back-of-the-head; take the day off for a concert with caution.

(Caller comments and playful banter make this segment a fan favorite for listeners who love the hosts’ chemistry and humor.)

3. Objectum Sexuality: Loving the Inanimate

[31:50 – 41:43]

A segment that’s part spectacle, part social commentary, The Bert Show dives into the world of "objectum sexuality"—people who are romantically or sexually attracted to objects.

Key Features

• Recap of Good Morning America segment: Introduction to objectum sexuals, people who claim emotional/fetish relationships with things like the Eiffel Tower.

  “When other teenagers were dating each other, I was dating a bridge.” — Erica Ifill, [32:39]

• Notable Case 1: Man in Love with a Volkswagen Beetle
  Edward Smith describes his affection for his car “Vanilla,” and even shares poetry about their relationship.

  "Vanilla beetle of 74, your creamy body I adore. Flesh and metal overwhelm, man and car become one." — Edward Smith, [36:19 & 41:16]

  Show reactions range from shock to disbelief to laughter:

  “If you believe in reincarnation, this guy came back as that car. That’s hell. Oh, what did you do in a previous life?” — Radio Host, [36:55]

• Notable Case 2: Helicopters and Celebrity Vehicles
  Smith claims he had a “relationship” with the Airwolf helicopter from the 1980s TV show:

  “She’s got a sleek sensuous tail that almost looks like a dolphin... In 1991 she crash landed...I was so glad to meet her.” — Edward Smith, [38:13]

• Notable Case 3: Woman Married to the Berlin Wall In a satirical reading, the hosts share a letter from a woman who claims the Berlin Wall is her husband, with dramatic narration about their "marriage."

  “We eventually were married on June 17, 1979. No, you weren’t in Berlin on that day. I took my husband's name. That is Berlin Wall in German, which is my husband's first language.” — Radio Host, [39:48]

Show’s Reactions

• The cast veers between stunned silence and explosive laughter; Lady Gaga herself reacts:

  “I don’t get it.” — Lady Gaga, [41:09]
  “I’m speechless.” — Chumba Casino Announcer, [41:11]

Memorable Quotes

• Lady Gaga:

  “You could say I’m a control freak, or you could just say that I’m not a lazy pop singer.” [04:26]
  “Pop music is like the antithesis of all things cool… what if I did a pop show that these rock and roll kids would want to go see?” [09:06]
  "A lot of it's true, the negative things that they say. They say I'm pretentious, and I am… They say that I'm disgusting, and I'm quite disgusting, and I'm okay with that." [10:39]
  “I cry on stage like a child.” [15:01]

• Host on Over-30 List:

  “You can’t pull an all-nighter after 30 anymore...crash on a friend’s futon...coin your own nickname. Can’t do that at any age.” [21:12] – [22:13]

• Edward Smith (Car Lover):

  “I must admit—she’s my lover. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.” [35:24]

• Lady Gaga reacting to objectum sexuality:

  “I don't get it.” [41:09]

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Start | End | |--------------------------------------------|---------|---------| | Lady Gaga Interview | 01:04 | 18:34 | | Things Men Over 30 Shouldn’t Do | 19:56 | ~30:18 | | Objectum Sexuality (Loving Objects) | 31:50 | 41:43 |

Tone and Takeaways

• Tone: Playful, irreverent, authentic, occasionally boundary-pushing. The hosts foster a “we’re all friends hanging out” vibe that makes the audience feel included in the banter.
• Lady Gaga: Genuinely open, witty, and bracingly honest about her creativity and self-image.
• Cultural Commentary: Mixes light-hearted debate (the Over-30 list), with a willingness to dive into the offbeat (“objectum sexuality”) while never losing its comedic edge.

For Listeners Who Haven’t Tuned In

This episode is a classic example of why The Bert Show has such loyal fans: a blend of true celebrity insight (Lady Gaga’s candid interview), deeply relatable debates, and wild, jaw-dropping tales from the corners of pop culture you rarely see elsewhere. It’s equal parts real talk, comic relief, and “wait, did that really happen?”