The Bert Show – Full Show PT 3: Monday, November 3 [Vault]

Date: November 3, 2025
Host: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, & The Bert Show Cast
Producer: Pionaire Podcasting

Episode Overview

This episode brings the signature Bert Show blend of real talk, relatable listener drama, comedy, and a peek behind the curtain at the hosts' lives. The main thread is a poignant relationship "closure call" between ex-couple Ben and Julie, with hosts mediating a raw, emotional exchange. Additional segments include quirky lottery antics, ethical debates about adulthood and teen social boundaries, and a heated conversation about parenting, birth control, and teen relationships. The tone is authentic, lightly irreverent, and often deeply empathetic.

Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Closure Call: Ben & Julie's Breakup

[01:13 – 20:43]

Background & Setup ([01:13 – 03:22])

• Ben previously called the show, seeking closure after a sudden breakup via letter from his girlfriend, Julie, last November.
• The relationship was long-distance (Atlanta–Chicago), with plans to close the gap.
• Julie abruptly ceased communication before mailing a succinct breakup letter, leaving Ben with unresolved questions.

The Confrontation ([03:32 – 19:16])

• Ben shares his mindset: "I'm kind of in an all business mindset right now. I just want to...find out what her mindset is." (C, [04:26])
• Julie joins and explains her side: the long-distance arrangement became overwhelming; she enjoyed a period without the stress of travel or logistical juggling.
• Julie admits she deliberately avoided a live conversation to stick to her decision, fearing Ben would try to talk her out of it. "If I was on the phone with him…he was probably gonna try to talk me into staying. And I didn't want him to do that." (F, [08:19])
• Ben expresses ongoing confusion: “I would never choose something over someone, especially when that someone was so, you know, special to me.” (C, [12:22])
• Julie denies another man was involved, attributing her decision to job stress and life changes. When pressed, she confesses she's currently seeing someone in Chicago ([18:12]).
• Emotional honesty peaks: “I love you, but I’m just not in love with you.” (F, [18:23])
• Ben, finally defeated, retorts: “I think she deserves a lesser man, and sounds like she’s got one, so that’s fine.” (C, [19:32])

Memorable Quotes:

• Ben: "Frustration." ([04:46])
• Julie: "It just seems like, you know, a bandaid that you just pull off really quick." ([12:54])
• Host (A): "That’s not closure." ([13:24])
• Julie: "I love you, but I'm just not in love with you." ([18:23])
• Ben: “...you owe me a reason why... why would you choose a thing over a person?” ([12:22])
• Host (E): “Do you think you handled it in the right way?” ([11:13])
• Julie: "Honestly, it was the right way for me.” ([11:17])
• Ben (closure): “I think she deserves a lesser man, and sounds like she's got one, so that's fine.” ([19:32])

Takeaway

The segment is as much about emotional honesty and differing emotional needs as it is about closure. The hosts challenge Julie, champion Ben, and openly debate what constitutes “real” closure in relationships.

2. Mega Millions Dryer Challenge

[22:21 – 37:14]

Concept ([25:00 – 25:51])

• In a slapstick lottery bit, the crew attempts to “select” the Mega Millions numbers by putting Phil (Filterana) and 56 numbered ping pong balls into an industrial dryer.

Execution ([28:13 – 37:14])

• Phil tumbles in the dryer, pulling out numbers after each spin to determine the "Bert Show's official picks."
• Tracy narrates, monitoring Phil’s (increasingly battered) state as numbers are drawn: 11, 51, 42, 4, 17, Mega Ball 16 (after a failed first try at 47, outside the eligible range).
• Phil repeatedly complains: "My elbows are bleeding... I think my head's bleeding." ([37:11])
• The hosts riff endlessly, poking fun at Phil’s suffering and the absurdity of the bit.

Notable Quotes:

• Tracy: “He looks nauseous. His face is bright red. He can hardly breathe.” ([35:05])
• Phil: “I think my head’s bleeding… I’ve literally got my head in a box of Tide right now.” ([37:11])
• Host (A): “It’ll be worth it if there are 30 millionaires in Atlanta on Monday!” ([37:36])

Takeaway

Classic Bert Show: playful, masochistic morning-show humor with a surreal twist.

3. 31-Year-Old Partying at Spring Break with Teens

[40:32 – 54:05]

Scenario ([40:32 – 41:44])

• Listener Catherine (voice disguised) admits she went to Spring Break with 16- and 17-year-old neighbors—not as a chaperone, but to relive the teenage party scene she never had.
• She justifies her presence: "I decided to go on spring break because I never went when I was that age. So, down partying it up." (D, [42:16])

Hosts’ Reactions ([43:05 – 53:45])

• The hosts toggle between incredulity and mockery, asking pointed questions about legality, social dynamics, and wisdom.
• Catherine boasts about fitting in, participating in a foam party, wet t-shirt contest, and making out with a college sophomore. She says, “I'm just hanging out with them, you know, there's nothing weird going on.” (D, [43:15])
• The panel debates double standards: Would it be “okay” if she were a man?
• Callers weigh in, with one quipping: “When you stop getting spring breaks from school, you should stop going on spring break.” (F, [51:09])

Memorable Quotes:

• Host (A): “Do your boobs look 31 or do they look 16?” ([47:31])
• Catherine: “Maybe they’re 25.” ([47:35])
• Host (E): "If it was a guy down there doing the same thing... we can't be easy on Catherine." ([50:34])
• Host (B): “We should think of you here in Atlanta like Andrew Young, Martin Luther King, and Catherine—making the world a better place for oppressed 16-year-old partiers!” ([53:45])

Takeaway

A squirmy, provocative, and comedic debate about boundaries, social acceptance, aging, and personal fulfillment.

4. Should Mom Put Her 15-Year-Old Daughter on Birth Control?

[54:10 – 70:03]

The Situation ([54:18 – 56:23])

• Caller Sue is torn: Should she put her almost-16-year-old daughter (in a yearlong relationship) on birth control against her husband's strict wishes?
• Sue: “I want her to have a good life…there’s no room for a baby right now…problem is my husband…absolutely, unequivocally, no.” (D, [54:33–55:11])

Debate ([56:24 – 69:40])

• The team breaks it down: Is it ethical for a mom to go behind dad’s back? Does putting a daughter on birth control implicitly permit her to have sex?
• Jen: “At that stage... she’s making adult decisions and needs some adult guidance and help with that.” (E, [60:20])
• Hosts: Stress teamwork in marriage, urge Sue not to act secretly but to persist in discussion.
• Listeners call in: most support birth control, some worry about enabling behavior.
• “Bring [Dad] into a local health department and see all the children under 18 to 20 year olds pregnant…It’s not because we don’t know that they’re not doing it. It’s because parents aren’t allowing birth control.” ([62:13])

Notable Quotes:

• Sue: "I made a gynecologist appointment for my daughter and it’s tomorrow at 3. And, you know, in my mind, I’m doing this regardless." ([56:23])
• Host (A): "Parenting...it’s teamwork. You guys are a team." ([59:33])
• Jen: “Absolutely your daughter needs to be on birth control!” ([60:20])
• Host (A): “I don’t think it’s right that you make this decision by yourself…for your daughter without talking to your husband about it or doing this together.” ([59:33])
• Caller: “Sometimes dads don’t have that objective opinion about their daughters.” ([64:30])
• Host (A): “We’ll be strong at first...but, you know, it’s just a matter of you chipping away and chipping away and chipping away.” ([69:24])

Takeaway

A frank, sometimes humorous examination of modern parenting, trust, and the complexities of co-parenting through tough adolescent milestones.

Timestamps for Key Sections

| Time | Section | |----------------|----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:13 – 20:43 | Closure Call: Ben & Julie’s Breakup | | 22:21 – 37:14 | Lottery Dryer Challenge | | 40:32 – 54:05 | Spring Break at 31: An Ethical & Social Debate | | 54:10 – 70:03 | Birth Control & Teen Parenting: Sue’s Dilemma |

Tone & Style

Casual, candid, sometimes brutally honest, peppered with humor and empathic curiosity. The hosts are unafraid to ask tough questions, gently roast each other and callers, and create room for both levity and real emotion.

Summary

This episode showcases the Bert Show’s range: facilitating cathartic, sometimes uncomfortable closure; orchestrating over-the-top comedic bits; openly dissecting thorny moral/parenting issues; and giving voice to listener dilemmas that resonate well beyond the studio. It’s both an emotional and comedic rollercoaster, grounded by the authenticity of the dialogue and the diversity of perspectives shared.