The Bert Show: Full Show PT 3 [Vault] — Tuesday, December 9, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show brings listeners a signature mix of entertaining and relatable segments. The team delivers authentic conversations around dating standards, worst-case parenting stories, and the drama surrounding a “recycled proposal.” The interactions highlight the cast's trademark humor, honesty, and willingness to discuss taboo or awkward topics, inviting listeners to weigh in via calls and personal anecdotes.

Hosts featured: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, plus Melissa, Jen, Ashley, and guest callers.

Key Segments and Discussion Points

1. Ashley’s Search for a High-Roller Date

(02:03–13:16)

Summary

Ashley returns for a follow-up on her honest (and controversial) criteria for men: looks, height, wealth, and high standards for being pampered. The group plays messages from four suitors responding to Ashley's criteria, and she chooses the “rich guy” for a date. The segment is playful, a bit tongue-in-cheek, and full of both self-awareness and gentle teasing from the cast.

Highlights & Quotes

• Ashley’s Criteria
  • "I'm 5'10, dark hair, blue eyes. I definitely need a tall guy, over 6'2…Well, I mean, I want a guy to flaunt his money around me. I do have to be pampered. I do have to be taken out. I do have to be shown a good time or else, you know, what's the point?" — Ashley (02:21)
• Melissa Defends Ashley's Honesty
  • "She's honest about what she feels. She knows what she wants … there's a lot of women in Atlanta who are after the very same thing every Friday and Saturday night." — Melissa (02:51)
• The 'Swirl' Exchange
  • “You down with the swirl?” — Caller William (03:23)
  • “Do you mean do I date black guys?...No, I'm sorry.” — Ashley (03:32)
• The Suitor Messages
  • Chad: young, 6'0", not rich, parents have money, drives a Mustang.
  • Randy: 22-year-old firefighter, lacks detail in his message.
  • William: 25, lives in Buckhead, eats at fine restaurants, drives multiple luxury cars—impresses Ashley.
    • “Atlanta's full of a lot of $40,000 millionaires, but I'm truly the real deal. Live in a high rise in Buckhead, eat at fine restaurants seven nights a week. Let's party it up.” — William (06:36)
  • Frank: self-deprecating, mentions he's 5'10" and doesn’t work out.
• Ashley's Choice
  • "Definitely the guy with the cars." — Ashley (09:24)
• Cohost Banter
  • “Like in the purse.” — Jen, after Ashley’s excitement about William (07:42)
  • “You want to make the switch to T-Mobile from your phone in just 15 minutes.” — Mrs. Claus (00:32) [Notable parody ad moment]

Notable Moments & Timestamps

• Ashley's expectations describe her as “high maintenance,” but her unapologetic stance is both criticized and praised. (02:21, 02:51)
• The team’s playful disbelief: only four calls come in after Ashley's segment, far fewer than usual for a “Single Girl Pager.” (04:43)
• Ashley’s almost-blasé reaction to firefighter Randy and her delight with William, the wealthy guy, showcases the group's dynamic and comedic commentary. (06:02–08:47)
• The “down with the swirl” exchange and confusion over slang terms adds humor and exposes generational/cultural gaps. (03:23–03:53)
• After making her pick, Ashley and William banter about expectations for the first date (fancy dinners and shopping). (12:30)

2. Worst Parenting Stories

(16:39–24:34)

Summary

Listeners and hosts share tales of bad or questionable parenting—from prioritizing clothes over affection, to forced public discipline, to old-school punishment and questionable “gifts” from parents. The segment is a blend of the hilariously absurd and the genuinely thought-provoking.

Highlights & Quotes

• Neglectful Mom
  • “[The] kid rushes up to hug the mother. And then the mother scolds the child because she wrinkled her clothes.” — Melissa (16:42)
• Daycare Breastfeeding Incident
  • “Pulls down her shirt and proceeds to feed himself. And the boy was three years old…” — Jamie (17:21)
• Dubious Fatherly Advice
  • “His idea of advice to my boys is telling them if you're gonna do it, just don't get caught.” — Jamie (18:21)
• Military Dad Drill Sergeant
  • “...would become like a drill sergeant, start barking order they would pop to like a soldier, start doing push ups, jumping jacks, running in place until they behaved right.” — Jamie (19:01)
• Old School Punishments
  • “My dad, when he was about 6 or 7, got caught with his dad's bag of tobacco, and my grandfather made him eat the whole bag…” — Ashley (21:06)
  • “One Thanksgiving, I asked him for a toke of his cigar, and he said, sure, you can have it, but you got to have the whole cigar. And I was, like, 14 at the time, and I smoked the whole cigar and ended up puking. Night.” — Burt (21:29)
• Strange Parental Choices
  • “I knew a lady, she had a son that was 13…he would not go to school unless she would roll him a joint every morning.” — Jamie (22:14)
• Heinous Birthday Gift
  • “For his present. The dad gave his son a hooker for his birthday.” — Jamie (23:03)
• Children on Leashes
  • “Worst case of parenting is those people who walk their kids on leashes.” — Jamie (23:48)
  • “They would hook it…to the kid's belt buckle, which is even worse if they're just getting the spare dog leash out.” — Jen (24:26)

Notable Moments & Timestamps

• Mishaps around discipline, neglect, and bizarre parenting cross generational and cultural lines. (16:42–24:00)
• The segment ends with a comical story about parents using an actual dog leash for their child, with the panel incredulously discussing the spectacle. (24:11–24:34)

3. Recycled Proposals: Romantic or Red Flag?

(27:14–35:43)

Summary

A listener calls in upset after discovering her fiancé’s proposal was a recycled reenactment of his proposal to an ex—right down to the poem, swing-set location, and nostalgic hometown tour. The hosts and callers debate whether this is an unforgivable offense or an overreaction. The discussion becomes a microcosm for gender and relationship expectations.

Highlights & Quotes

• The Drama Explained
  • "...She is defending her fiancé. She’s coming on to talk to us about being upset about this double proposal, you know, this repeat, recycled proposal. But the entire time she's trying to defend him..." — Melissa (27:45)
  • “He took me to a lovely restaurant. And then afterwards he said, I just want to go back to your elementary school...we’re both on the swing…and he said a beautiful poem…‘will you be my bride?’” — Jamie (29:25)
  • “The problem with that is he had done the exact same engagement...every detail...Swing and a poem.” — Jamie (29:55)
• Debate: Is it a Big Deal?
  • “That is the definition of self absorption. It is an important day for a woman. This is the most important time for a woman and her man.” — Melissa (31:02)
  • “That’s the same concept as re-gifting, okay? You can’t re-gift your engagement.” — Melissa (31:36)
  • “If your husband gave you an engagement ring that he had given to another woman. You mean you’re not going to get mad about that?” — Melissa (32:48)
  • “If he’s not creative enough to think of a new engagement, he’s not creative enough to get you through the marriage.” — Jamie (caller) (33:01)
  • “You have to be able to go to him with an open heart…that's part of it, too. Like, I know, if I tell him something, I don't want him to wreck it for him either.” — Jamie (34:25)
• A Moment of Levity
  • “Maybe I'll have him ask me again.” — Jamie (35:29)
  • "See, now I think that's kind of romantic. You go to him, you tell him what the problem is..." — Burt (35:31)

Notable Moments & Timestamps

• Hosts split over whether Jamie is justified in her feelings or overreacting (precise moment: 31:02–32:57).
• Callers chime in, with varied opinions—some say “leave him,” others advocate for communication and perspective.
• The segment is peppered with insights about the expectations for unique romantic gestures, and whether men are “let off the hook” too easily regarding creativity.

Notable Quotes (with Speaker Attribution & Timestamps)

• Ashley:
  "Well, I mean, I want a guy to flaunt his money around me. I do have to be pampered...or else, you know, what's the point?" (02:21)
• Melissa:
  "She knows what she wants. And I'm telling you, there's a lot of women in Atlanta who are after the very same thing..." (02:51)
• Jen:
  “Like in the purse.” (07:42) (joking about William’s appeal)
• William (suitor):
  "Atlanta's full of a lot of $40,000 millionaires, but I'm truly the real deal..." (06:36)
• Burt:
  "One Thanksgiving, I asked him for a toke of his cigar, and he said, sure, you can have it, but you got to have the whole cigar. And I was, like, 14 at the time, and I smoked the whole cigar and ended up puking..." (21:29)
• Melissa (on proposals):
  “That is the definition of self absorption...This is the most important time for a woman and her man.” (31:02)
• Jamie (caller):
  “If he’s not creative enough to think of a new engagement, he’s not creative enough to get you through the marriage.” (33:01)

Episode Flow & Tone

The Bert Show’s crew—sarcastic, supportive, and quick-witted—keep the tone light, irreverent, and real, even when tackling sensitive or divisive topics. Listeners are actively engaged through calls, sharing stories that invite laughter, astonishment, and commiseration. The hosts’ chemistry and willingness to “call each other out” infuse the show with energy, making every segment feel genuine and lively.

Key Segments & Timestamps (Quick Guide)

• Ashley’s Dating Standards & Suitor Selection: (02:03–13:16)
• Worst Parenting Stories: (16:39–24:34)
• Double Proposal Drama: (27:14–35:43)

Memorable Moments

• Ashley's unapologetic reasoning for wanting a wealthy, tall man—both criticized and admired by cohosts and callers.
• Hilarious parenting fails, such as public discipline at the airport and the mother rolling joints for her 13-year-old son.
• The divisive debate over whether a recycled proposal is just “romantic laziness” or a forgivable offense.

Overall, this episode is a rollercoaster of relationship real-talk, laugh-out-loud mistakes, and slice-of-life stories that capture why The Bert Show maintains such a loyal, engaged audience.