Full Show PT 3: Wednesday, January 7 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 3: Wednesday, January 7 [Vault]

Episode Date: January 7, 2026
Hosts: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and the Bert Show Cast

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show delivers a signature blend of humor, authenticity, and real-life topics designed to make mornings more bearable. The main themes include controversial parenting practices (specifically spanking), awkward dating scenarios, the realities of sexual satisfaction in relationships, and lighthearted takes on everyday absurdities. The cast and listeners share candid stories, while the hosts offer comedic takes and personal perspectives, keeping the tone lively and engaging.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Spanking: Parenting, Permission, and Boundaries

Segment: 01:31–13:25

• Context: Inspired by a plotline on "Desperate Housewives," the crew debates who (besides parents or teachers) should be allowed to spank children and what happens when babysitters or friends cross boundaries.
• Listener Stories: Callers share personal experiences; one recalls being spanked by a family friend at a mall (02:05), another recounts spanking a babysitting charge despite knowing the parents' anti-spanking stance (03:37).
  • Notable Quote:
    • Bird: “That’s the bigger question: if somebody else is watching your kids, whose set of rules are they under at that point? Yours? Theirs? That’s a real fine line to walk there.” (08:46)
• Crew Debate: The group considers whether strict boundaries or “the fear of spanking” keeps kids in line, and how time-outs compare as discipline.
  • Phil: “When parents don’t want to be stern with their children... what are you trying to prove, that you’re not mean, you want to be friends with your child? ... you don’t need to be friends until you’re both adults.” (10:15)
• Comedic Interludes: The hosts joke about alternative discipline methods, including outlandish ideas like putting kids in a garage for time-outs (11:19).

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2. "Love Lost and Found": Dating, Ghosting, and Social Cues

Segment: 13:25–27:36

• Premise Explanation: Listeners seek help reconnecting with people they met but didn’t get numbers for, leading to a comical investigation into the identity of “Chris.”
• Comedic Banter: The hosts toy with the idea that only attractive people get “love lost and found” attention (14:06).
  • Melissa: “We don’t do Love Lost and Found for ugly kids.” (14:01)
• Identity Mix-Up: Multiple callers claim to know or be “Chris,” leading to confusion, jokes about “dirty Travis,” and playful cat pee references (16:46–17:32).
• Resolution: The real Chris is found; he clarifies that he left a conversation with Julia because he felt things were getting inappropriate, as he has a girlfriend.
  • Chris: “I felt like our conversation was starting to get to the point where I was giving her the wrong idea.” (19:49)
  • Bird summarizes: “Nobody owes anybody anything at that point.” (25:19)
• Big Question: Should women take the hint if a guy walks away and doesn’t return in a social setting?
  • Bird: “If he never shows back up after he says, ‘I’ll be right back,’ he’s just not that into you.” (26:40)
  • Phil: “Women are smart, and we don’t think that way. We like to be all out there and honest with you guys. You guys are constantly manipulating, playing these games and we can’t—we can’t think that advanced.” (27:15)

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3. 911 Calls: Emergencies vs. Everyday Irritations

Segment: 27:36–35:19

• Listener/Host Experiences: Since covering 911 system flaws, the show regularly receives stories of failed or bizarre emergency calls.
• Absurd Example: The show plays an actual 911 call where a woman demands police intervention because Burger King won’t make her burger correctly (30:10–32:38).
  • Notable Moment:
    • Sarah (911 Operator): “Ma’am, we’re not going to go down there and enforce your Western bacon cheeseburger… You need to calmly and rationally speak to the manager.” (31:30)
• More Real-Life Examples: Listeners and a police officer call in with stories of frivolous 911 use—calls about laundromats, fly-in-the-food complaints, and requests for police to get kids to school (33:17–35:41).
  • Sarah (Officer): “We get called because parents can’t even get their six and seven year old kids to school. They want us to come out and take their kids to school.” (35:23)
  • Melissa: “911’s for emergencies, not like consumer advocate groups or for a buck and a half.” (35:07)

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4. Female Sexual Satisfaction and Faking Orgasms

Segment: 35:44–54:54

• Data Dive: Inspired by international survey stats on women’s orgasms, the hosts explore why only 17% of American women say they orgasm every time during sex (36:31–37:52).
  • Bird: “Here’s what I want to ask women… how long have you engaged in a sexual relationship and gone without having the orgasm, but have had to fake it.” (38:25)
• Candid Callers: Multiple women call in and admit to faking orgasms for years:
  • Melody: “I was in a relationship for two years… I only had an orgasm maybe four times, so I was faking the big O a lot.” (43:36)
  • Heather: “I was in a relationship for almost four years… I had to fake it every time.” (44:49)
  • Maria: “I’ve been married for 15 years now…right now, faking 99.9% of the time.” (46:40)
    • Describes emotional fatigue and unresolved issues as major factors.
• Hosts’ Reflections: Discussion on why women fake, the role of ego, emotional context, and societal factors that inhibit female pleasure.
  • Melissa: “The longer you’re in a relationship, the more comfortable you become… in the beginning of a relationship… you have to be gentle if you want that relationship to continue.” (41:38)
  • Stacy: “I think both parties have to take responsibility. I so think women need to speak up and be comfortable with their bodies. But guys have to understand ... that women are not the same as men.” (51:03)
• Male Perspective:
  • Mike (Caller): “I think it’s personally an honesty issue, and couples, when you’re doing that, you need to let each other know, hey, it’s going to happen, or it’s not going to happen.” (51:55)
  • Jeff: (sarcastically) “I’d like to know when we’re going to spend some equal time and talk about all the guys who’ve had to spend their entire relationships faking.” (55:07)
• Societal Commentary:
  • Melissa: “For a long time we’re told in our lives that sex is bad… then you get into one of these long relationships… you’re supposed to suddenly be this wild sexual being. I just don’t think it’s possible to turn that quickly.” (54:02)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Parenting Boundaries:
  • Bird (08:46): “If somebody else is watching your kids, whose set of rules are they under at that point? Yours? Theirs? That’s a real fine line to walk there, you know.”
• Dating Real Talk:
  • Bird (26:40): “If he never shows back up after he says, ‘I’ll be right back,’ he’s just not that into you.”
• 911 Absurdity:
  • Sarah, 911 Operator (31:30): “Ma’am, we’re not going to go down there and enforce your western bacon cheeseburger… That’s not a criminal issue.”
• Sexual Honesty:
  • Melody (caller) (43:59): “I faked it every time.”
  • Melissa (41:38): “Men have got huge egos… you have to handle with kid gloves for a while until we can be honest with you.”
  • Maria (caller) (46:58): “Right now... faking 99.9% of the time.”
• Societal Pressures:
  • Melissa (54:02): “For a long time we’re told in our lives that sex is bad … and then all of a sudden you’re supposed to go from completely living your whole life as a young girl up into one stage one way. Then you’re supposed to be able to flip it around and be free as free can be in the bedroom another way. … I just don’t think it’s possible to turn that quickly.”

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Spanking & Parenting Boundaries: 01:31–13:25
• Love Lost and Found (Ghosting and Social Cues): 13:25–27:36
• 911 Calls (Emergency Systems and Absurd Calls): 27:36–35:19
• Sex Lives, Orgasms, and Faking: 35:44–54:54

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Tone, Language & Style

The episode is marked by unfiltered, relatable conversations peppered with honest admissions from both hosts and listeners. There’s a playful, sometimes outrageous comedic undercurrent (often led by Bird and Jeff), but also moments of genuine vulnerability and insight, especially around relationships and sexuality.

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Summary

This episode showcases The Bert Show’s knack for mixing real talk with humor, as the team moves from confessional debates on parenting, to decoding romantic and sexual mores, to poking fun at life’s daily absurdities. Listeners are brought into the fold, making the show as interactive as it is entertaining. Whether offering advice or simply offering a laugh, The Bert Show continues to create a space where nobody takes themselves too seriously—and where real issues are met with both sensitivity and wit.

Transcript

[Jeff]

Did you see the game last night?

[Bird]

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[Jeff]

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[Bird]

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[Jeff]

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[Bird]

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[Jeff]

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[Bird]

We're here.

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[Bird]

The Bird show did you miss Desperate Housewives last night? Tell them what they missed here.

[Melissa]

Well, there was a situation where Lynette had to drop off her kids to Bree's house. Brie did the babysitting. Her kids misbehaved, as they always do on that show, and Bree gave one of the sons, Porter, a spanking. Well, Lynette doesn't believe in spankings and once she found out about it later, was furious that her friend had spanked her child.

[Bird]

Who, outside of your family, and let's take teachers out of this, also has spanked you. I think that's pretty commonplace.

[Julia]

Yep.

[Bird]

Good morning. Is it Beth?

[Julia]

Yes, it's Beth.

[Bird]

Hello. You're on all the hits. Q100. Hi.

[Julia]

Hey. Yeah, I was spanked when I was probably about 4 years old by a good Friend of the family. Our moms were really close. I was friends with the daughter, and. And I had done something that wasn't really worth being spanked normally by my mom. And we were at a mall in Memphis when I was living there, and she just tore my butt up. I remember just being spanked, and my mom was horribly pissed. I mean, she thought that it wasn't even. Like she shouldn't have done it to begin with. And she just. It kind of made her really mad because it wasn't her place to do it.

[Stacy]

It's so funny how you say, well.

[Phil]

First of all, I'm amazed that you remember that at 4. And then also that it just shows you how kids will push the limit as far as they can, because you just said that she punished you for something that your mom would have let you get away with. Not, you know, she wouldn't have spanked you for what you did. And so it's funny how you pushed until you knew the limit.

[Julia]

Well, actually, it was her. It was her daughter that me on, too. So it was kind of like I got in trouble. And her daughter was always the perfect thing. Went out together.

[Phil]

You were still bitter.

[Melissa]

All these years, I think.

[Bird]

You know, I think you would find, like, in most cases, because I think Lynette was relieved when the kids got spanked, even though it was by somebody else. I think she was kind of relieved by it. Like, in the end, I think she was thankful about the whole thing.

[Melissa]

Well, she ended up using it to her advantage later on in the episode. What did she say?

[Jeff]

I'll take you over to Bree's house. That's funny.

[Bird]

Good morning, Susan. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[Julia]

Good morning.

[Bird]

Hi.

[Julia]

Hi. How are you?

[Bird]

Good, thank you.

[Phil]

When were you spanked?

[Julia]

Oh, I did. I have never been spanked myself. I have spanked.

[Bird]

Okay.

[Phil]

Okay.

[Julia]

I used to babysit three children, and one of them and their parents did not spank, but one of them one evening just flew into a rage, and he rushed up the steps and he had his fist back, and I picked him up by the wrist, and I thought, oh, my God. I'm going to spank him. And then I thought, no, I'm not. And then I thought, yes, I am. And I wrapped him on his rear end and I sat him down, and he said, you spanked me. And I said, I will spank you again. And he said, you can't spank me. And I said, yes, I can. And then I said, well, you're. I don't speak to you that way and you're not going to speak to me that way and I'm just not going to have it. And his sat there and everyone very quiet and he said, I'm very sorry. And then he said, I'm going to tell my mommy. And I said, I hope you do. And they got home and I said, I thanked your son. And they said, good, because he needed that. And I said, well, why didn't you do it? And they said, well, because we don't believe in spanking.

[Bird]

Yes. The exact same storyline we saw last night.

[Phil]

And the thought I had when she was talking about the kids saying, you can't spank me again. Kids are smart and they know the limits and if that's a timeout kid, then they're used to negotiating the time and this stuff.

[Jeff]

And so like, yeah, okay, now it's a whole generation.

[Stacy]

Well, it is.

[Phil]

I, I, I, yeah, I have issues with time out. I gotta be honest with you.

[Jeff]

When you go to timeout and think about your issues.

[Phil]

Exactly. No, you're gonna get spanked.

[Melissa]

I have a friend who is a fierce non spanker and I think that it would ruin our friendship if I ever spanked her child. Like I watch her child, you know, here and there when she's, you know, and she's three. So she's at that stage where she is pushing your buttons and pushing your boundaries and she's never had a freak out on me. But I know that my friend is such a fierce non spanker that if I did it, we would never speak again. She would be that furious with me. And when I watched the episode last night, I, I didn't think it was that big of a deal because I came from a household where it was normally just the fear of getting spanked. All you had to do was get one spanking and that was about it for me. But my friend and I have had this conversation. She said in her house she got spanked a lot more than one time. And it wasn't just the fear of being spanked. There was lots of spankings and that she felt like it was out of control and she doesn't want to become that. She's like, I know I have that in me because it was the way that I was raised. I know that I could become that mother. And she's like, I don't want to make those same mistakes that my mother did. So she's a very fierce non spanker, whereas I am somewhere in the middle. I'm like, I don't think you Got to spank for everything. But I think if you have it, it's an authority line there. I mean, I think kids that have the fear of being spanked are in line a lot more than. Than the ones that aren't.

[Bird]

I've seen like, very few, like very few families where they are totally, like, nuts about not spanking. Where the kids are really in control and intel. I know. I hate to say that, but it was true.

[Jeff]

You should. Next time you babysit that kid, you should say, I just wanna let you know that he misbehaved. So I didn't spank him. Cause I know you're upset about that, but I burned him a little.

[Melissa]

You think that'd be better?

[Phil]

I branded him. I hope you don't mind.

[Jeff]

I burned him somewhere, but the scar won't be visible unless he's wearing short sleeves. But don't. So I just.

[Phil]

Don't be alarmed.

[Bird]

But we didn't spank. But I didn't spank.

[Jeff]

And just so you know, after he cried for a half hour, I put ice on it. So it probably will heal up in a few years.

[Bird]

Cool. Jeff, can you never babysit for me?

[Jeff]

Yeah, no problem. You don't have to ask me that question twice.

[Bird]

Hey, Ashley, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Julia]

Hey, Bert.

[Bird]

Hi.

[Julia]

Hi. I spanked a child that I was babysitting for when I was about 15. He had ADD and his mom gave me a paddle and told me that if he acted up, he was to get four hits with it because that was the only way they could make him behave.

[Stacy]

Wow.

[Julia]

And so they said if they thanked him enough, he would understand what right and wrong was. And if I didn't do it when I was babysitting, then he would get confused.

[Phil]

I'm curious. What did he do to force you to paddle him at 15?

[Julia]

The only thing that he ever did when I was babysitting was he was outside. And he was allowed to play outside by himself, but he used to stay in the front yard. He ran off to the neighbor's house and was hiding in the woods, and I couldn't find him. And he was supposed to be on the porch, and I could see him from where I was at, and he ran across the street. And when I went to go get him, he was hiding in a ditch in the woods. And it took me about a half an hour to find him. And that was the only time I had spanked him in about three years.

[Bird]

And you were 15 at the time?

[Julia]

Uh huh.

[Bird]

See, I don't Know that I would put that kind of responsibility or Authority in a 15 year old's hands if it was my kid.

[Jeff]

Plus, if you're thinking enough and he was really bad and you're only supposed to hit him four times and he's an ADD kid, you could hit him like twice and then show him something colorful and then hit him like three more times, then ask him to sing a song with you, then whack him for him more times and here come home. I only got five more times.

[Melissa]

Well, I think you, I think Bert, you brought this up like a bird. The issue was not necessarily the spanking part, but it was the fact that these kids last night in the episode were at Bree's house.

[Bird]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

So it was like, you know, they had to follow another set of rules rather than their own rules at home.

[Bird]

Yeah. That's the bigger question is if somebody else is watching your kids, whose set of rules are they under at that point? Yours? Theirs. That's a real fine line to walk there, you know. Good morning, Carmelo. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[Julia]

Hey, guys.

[Tom]

Man, you guys have an awesome show. You guys have just defined. Growing up as a kid in the early 70s in Brooklyn, I got beat so many times by parents. One time headed home after like a bully fight, I just went home, threw myself across the bed, handed my father.

[Bird]

Take this. I think it is. I think it's more the fear than anything else. Cause I can only remember my dad like spanking me maybe three times. But just the thought of it just scares the hell out of me. Even today, you know?

[Phil]

Yeah. My dad only had to spank me one time ever. And Millie Pete, maybe twice. And that's it. I mean, I would. Yeah. And I never had to get spanked at school because I didn't want that. I didn't want that punishment. To me, that was proof that I. I didn't do right and I really wanted to do right.

[Bird]

I know I've talked to a lot of parents that feel like if they spank their kids, if they get to the point where they spank their kids, that they've failed as parents, that they feel like there should be another way to be able to teach your child right and wrong before you have to do anything physical. And once it gets to that point, you have failed at that point.

[Phil]

I just, I just feel though that you can't. I don't. And this is my personal feeling. And no, I don't have kids. For anybody that calls up and says.

[Jeff]

What do you got no right to comment on this. You ain't got no kids.

[Phil]

No, my opinion is legitimate. Child or no child, I think that it bothers me to see certain parents negotiate with their child. You don't negotiate with a three year old. You teach the three year old right from wrong and spanking is a part of it. No, I don't think you should abuse your child. But I mean, I just. When parents don't want to be stern with their children, I just, I don't know. What are you trying to prove to be that you're not mean, that you want to be friends with your child. You know, your child's going to have plenty of friends. You got plenty of friends, your child and you don't need to be friends until you're both adults.

[Melissa]

And it kind of like reinforces that whole thing about kids needing boundaries and structure and all that kind of stuff too. I mean, I think timeout's just too fluid for them to understand it. You know what I mean? I mean, I think that they understand it to a point, but I just, like you said, I think they can negotiate their way out of it and weasel their way out of it and never really pay consequences for bad behavior.

[Bird]

You know, I've never seen one of these negotiations last any longer than 10 seconds where they actually had the kids attention. Like I see the parent get down there eye to eye and the negotiation starts and the kid is all over the place after five seconds. Sure.

[Jeff]

I think Jessica and I have just. Well, I've decided that we haven't talked it over Jessica, but I think she'll be cool with this. We're gonna do time out, but we're gonna do it in the closed garage with the car running. And we're gonna teach the kid about carbon monoxide poisoning.

[Melissa]

So pass out. Once they pass out, you'll bring them back in, right?

[Jeff]

Well, no, maybe they might not get that. Like, you know, hey, listen, if you do time out again, you're going in the garage and we're starting both cars.

[Bird]

I think you're ready.

[Jeff]

And then they'll start to do the math and realize they've only got, you know, like eight minutes before they're gone.

[Phil]

And then they're gonna freak out every time the ignition starts on the car too.

[Jeff]

Right? And that'll keep them from asking to borrow the car. Like, I really wanna raise my kid. Like, I think the guy who did the Truman show was onto something. Like, create unnecessary fears in your children so that they don't bother. Like, I'm gonna teach Them to make.

[Phil]

It more convenient for you.

[Jeff]

Right, right. When they're young, you know, when they're young enough to know the word cookie and stuff. I'm gonna put like you know, a razor or a thumbtack or something in one cookie.

[Bird]

Good God.

[Jeff]

Then they'll never want cookies again.

[Melissa]

You're sick.

[Jeff]

What?

[Melissa]

You're sick.

[Bird]

Just thoughts are sicking up hot sauce on potato chips.

[Jeff]

Like I'm gonna keep them out of junk food.

[Bird]

How about the timeout when you just leave the house for a week? You send them to their room. You just split.

[Jeff]

That's combination. See now that. That is good.

[Bird]

Well, I. The thought has never crossed my mind, that's for sure. The first show.

[Jen]

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[Bird]

Alright, let's recap from yesterday here. The love lost and found Jen Hobby. How does love lost and found work again?

[Melissa]

Basically two people meet out and about somewhere, strike up a great conversation, but for some reason one of them doesn't seem seal the deal by getting a number. So they're frustrated, want to reconnect with the person, come to us, we put out the all points bulletin of everything they know about them, get the number and reconnect them.

[Bird]

I think you covered it.

[Melissa]

It's love. It's lost and then it's found.

[Bird]

That was beautiful. Yeah, that was really a work of art.

[Jeff]

Are you okay going right to these callers? You need to see a picture of.

[Julia]

Them first to find out what order.

[Bird]

You make sure they're really pretty because I only hang out with the good looking people at events.

[Melissa]

Also, we don't do love lost and found for ugly kids.

[Jeff]

We don't hold them, hug them or talk to them. That's our rule.

[Melissa]

They don't deserve love.

[Jen]

All right.

[Jeff]

If you miss that's who Melissa, Jeff and Phil get to hang out with.

[Bird]

That's just the way things fall. Can we go on with this? Because we can't talk about that. So people are going to be going nuts. I know we can't talk about it.

[Jeff]

Sorry. Just know the short version is Bird hates ugly people.

[Bird]

I hired you.

[Jeff]

Doesn't mean you like me.

[Bird]

Here's the love lost and found from yesterday. Just like a 90 second, 90 second clip. Just to get you guys all caught up because we can wrap this thing up today.

[Julia]

We were talking for about a half an hour. Turns out he's from Denver. We started talking about skiing in Winter Park, Colorado together. He told me he is a management consultant. He lives right around the corner from East Andrews. From what I understand he graduated from Emory. That might help.

[Melissa]

What was he wearing that night?

[Julia]

I think he was wearing jeans and just a white collared shirt. Button down.

[Bird]

Good morning, Travis. You're on with the Burke show.

[Tom]

I think I know who this Chris guy is. Everything that you described matches this guy. Perfect. Except for the job. And there's a reason for that. He likes to kind of fabricate his work history.

[Bird]

Okay.

[Phil]

Is he one of your friends?

[Chris]

Yeah, he is.

[Bird]

Is he a close enough friend? To where? You have his phone number?

[Chris]

Certainly do.

[Bird]

Hey Taren, you're on all the hits Q100.

[Julia]

Well, I have a friend named Chris. I don't know Travis, so I don't think it's the same Chris though. He lives in Buckhead and management consultant. We were there on Saturday night. I think it's the same guy.

[Jen]

Wow.

[Bird]

Is your Chris a guy that grew up in Denver?

[Julia]

Yes, he did.

[Melissa]

Did he go to Emory?

[Julia]

Yes, he did. We graduated together.

[Melissa]

Well, do you have Chris number?

[Julia]

Yeah, I do. But Chris actually has a girlfriend. But I do know that he talked to someone when was about to buy her a drink at Easanders and then said he had to go to the restroom.

[Bird]

And did he say he had to go to the restroom just to bail because he had a girlfriend?

[Julia]

Yes.

[Bird]

I wonder if it's the same guy.

[Phil]

Well, I'd like to talk to him.

[Bird]

I guess we'll find out tomorrow. All right. So at this time yesterday we were really confused because we there were two guys claiming to be Chris that talked to a Julia.

[Jen]

Yeah, intern. Jen actually talked to two of them on the phone and they both claimed to be the Chris that was from Denver. Both worked in management consultant, Both talked to a girl named Julia at EastEnders the other night and both remember telling her that he had to go to the bathroom. So I called both of them yesterday and one of the Chris's is on line four and he claims to be the Chris that Julia met. And then the other Chris actually came clean and said that his friend Travis had set him up on the radio and lied about who he was. And to get back at Travis was just going to go along with the story to be funny.

[Jeff]

You know how every Kenny in my world is slow?

[Bird]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Every Travis is a dirtbag.

[Bird]

Dirt bag Travis from this point forward.

[Jeff]

No, not really dirt bag Travis, but I just imagine him being dirty.

[Stacy]

Dirty.

[Bird]

Okay, Smelly kid.

[Stacy]

What's.

[Jeff]

What was smelly kid?

[Phil]

Pigpen Travis.

[Jeff]

Yeah. In his house always smells a little bit like cat urine. Sorry, Travis, I don't know you. I'm just saying, you probably smell like pee.

[Bird]

Hey, Julia.

[Jeff]

Have a good day.

[Julia]

Hi, everybody.

[Bird]

How are you?

[Jeff]

Just know that, Julie, if you ever go out and you meet a Travis.

[Julia]

I'm laughing about the cat pee thing.

[Bird]

Yeah, we're not. We're not setting you up with the pee soap, Travis.

[Melissa]

Right.

[Bird]

Thanks.

[Julia]

I appreciate it.

[Jeff]

Not really cat pee, but the multiple cat owner, you know, somebody who has more than one cat.

[Bird]

Right.

[Jeff]

It kind of smells like it doesn't.

[Phil]

Quite clean the litter box. Is that what you're saying?

[Julia]

Right, Right.

[Bird]

Have you ever gone into one of those homes and they'll ask you straight out, does my house smell like cats? Because you're like, no.

[Julia]

No.

[Melissa]

Febreze is really what I get.

[Jeff]

Yeah, no, it smells like I'm in a cat house.

[Bird]

Julia, you've had 24 hours now to think about tracking down Chris. And we think we have done that.

[Julia]

Yeah, I've been listening.

[Bird]

So I think the first question we got to ask this guy when we get him on is just to make sure that he matches up with your description.

[Phil]

Right.

[Bird]

And then find out if he has a boyfriend or not. Because now I'm all confused, and I don't know which one has the boyfriend or girlfriend. I mean, and which one doesn't.

[Phil]

Right?

[Bird]

Okay.

[Julia]

Right.

[Melissa]

And we gotta make sure he doesn't have cats.

[Bird]

Right?

[Julia]

Right. It's my worst fear. I have a cat, hoping my house doesn't smell like it.

[Bird]

Oh, no, I'm sure it doesn't.

[Julia]

I'm sure it doesn't.

[Melissa]

Yours is different. You have a different kind of cat.

[Sarah]

Of course.

[Jeff]

Yeah. Your cat doesn't smell totally different. I mean, you're okay because your name's not Travis.

[Bird]

Hey, Chris.

[Julia]

Exactly.

[Bird]

Good morning, Chris.

[Julia]

Hello.

[Bird]

How are you, sir?

[Chris]

Doing well. Thanks.

[Bird]

All right, Chris, there are a couple of things that we need to ask you before we even get you on with Julia here. Just to make sure you're the Chris that we're looking.

[Chris]

Okay.

[Bird]

All right. Are you from Denver?

[Chris]

I'M actually from Boulder, but close enough, I think.

[Bird]

All right. Did you do a lot of skiing in Winter Park, Colorado?

[Chris]

Yes, I did.

[Bird]

Do you live in Buckhead?

[Chris]

Yes.

[Bird]

Did you graduate from Emory?

[Chris]

Yes, I did.

[Bird]

All right. Were you at East Andrews last Saturday?

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Bird]

Were you wearing jeans and a white collared shirt?

[Chris]

Indeed, I was.

[Bird]

Oh, this must be the right thing.

[Phil]

I feel like he's got a spotlight right on him. And something else we need to know. Did you go to the bathroom? Did you leave her? You know, like. So you did meet Julia, correct?

[Chris]

Yes.

[Phil]

And talk to her and y', all, you know, talk for a little bit and. Because she had said that the reason that she lost contact with you or didn't get a number or anything is because you had left to go to the restroom. Correct. And then her friends took off. So did you leave to go to the restroom legitimately, or were you trying to move away from Julia?

[Chris]

I would say there was a little bit of both in there, but it was a good excuse to leave a situation that I had become a little bit uncomfortable with.

[Bird]

Why were you trying to leave Julia? Did she smell a little bit like cat urine?

[Chris]

No. To the contrary, I do have a girlfriend, and I felt like our conversation was starting to get to the point where I was giving her the wrong idea.

[Bird]

Okay, all right. That's legit. Hey, Julia.

[Julia]

Hey.

[Chris]

Hey.

[Bird]

It was kind of. It's kind of what we thought yesterday.

[Julia]

Yeah, that's okay.

[Bird]

But you. But he did nothing wrong, right?

[Julia]

No, absolutely not. I don't want to get him in trouble with his girlfriend at all or anything like that, because he didn't do anything to make me think that he was, you know, trying to take me home or anything like that, you know?

[Bird]

It was just a cool conversation that you had.

[Julia]

Yeah, it was a cool conversation. And like I said yesterday, I just find it rare that I'm in the bar and have a cool conversation, so. Yeah.

[Bird]

Well, Chris, let me ask you this question, because it kind of. It sparked a bigger question for us yesterday, and you may be a prime example to give us an answer, because here you are, and I'm guessing the situation. Are you there with a whole bunch of guys and Julia is there with a whole bunch of girls?

[Chris]

I was there with probably four guys and three girls, some of which were attached to the guys and some of which were just friends.

[Bird]

Okay. So you and Julia start talking, and you're hitting it off pretty well, having great casual conversation. But how did that. People seem to be stuck on the drink part of this Whole thing, like, did you offer a drink or were you just going to the bar for all your friends when you ended up bailing?

[Julia]

Okay.

[Chris]

A couple of her friends came over and it came up that it was her birthday. And just to be in the spirit of, you know, the birthdays and having a good time for her, I was like, oh, if it's your birthday, I should probably buy you a shot or something like that. Just to help you celebrate and make sure that you have a good time tonight. Basically. Because, I mean, I know that when it was my birthday, especially my 21st, which was a couple years ago, you know, random people bought me drinks and it made sure that I had a good time that night. And, you know, it's the one day a year you're not just another face in the crowd, so.

[Phil]

Well, Chris, now, did her friends come up to you specifically or was she just coming up to you, or were they coming up to your group of friends to say, oh, and by the way, it's Julia's birthday.

[Chris]

They were just around.

[Phil]

Okay.

[Bird]

We got in this big debate yesterday and most were calling up saying, look, if you're in a relationship with somebody else, you just don't buy anybody else a drink. And you must some somehow feel that way because you bailed before the drink even came, right?

[Julia]

Yeah.

[Bird]

Okay.

[Chris]

I mean, I don't think it's a problem. And I've spoken with my girlfriend about it. She's like, if you had bought her the drink, it would not have been a problem with me.

[Bird]

Yeah, I'm really not trying to get you in trouble. I'm not trying to grill you. I mean, this was a 30 minute debate yesterday where we were trying to define, like, what is appropriate and what's not appropriate. And I don't think you did anything wrong at all.

[Melissa]

Well, I think it may be a little bit different too, because I forgot about the birthday part.

[Bird]

That changes everything for you.

[Melissa]

Were you turning 21?

[Julia]

No, I was 23.

[Melissa]

Okay. I thought for some reason it was like your 21st birthday or something like that.

[Bird]

So does that.

[Chris]

Well, I had actually, I had said that, but not that it was her 21st birthday, but my 21st birthdays in general is when, you know, random strangers will always buy you a drink, so.

[Jen]

Right.

[Bird]

So does the fact that it was her birthday and he, let's say he legitimately would have bought her the drink because it was her birthday at that point. If you're the girlfriend, is there some gray area, some wiggle room here, or is it still inappropriate to you I.

[Melissa]

Think there's more wiggle room if it's somebody's birthday.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

And because then you're not buying it for. Then you're not buying it for no reason. Like, it's like, you know, you're giving.

[Julia]

Him a gift, but he.

[Jeff]

You guys could have had sex, and it's her birthday, so it's okay as.

[Phil]

Long as you didn't kiss, because that's personal.

[Melissa]

But.

[Phil]

But he left. Chris, you left before the drinks ever came. Right. So obviously there was some discomfort there.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Phil]

And we're not getting you in trouble. I'm just. I'm just.

[Stacy]

We're. It goes.

[Phil]

Kind of goes back with our debate yesterday, you know, just, like, the scenarios and everything. Because I was curious why you felt it was getting uncomfortable where you needed to bail, you know, like, why did. And I'm just curious why you didn't mention he had a girlfriend. And again, this is not. I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just curious. Is it easier to walk away than it is to say you have a girlfriend?

[Julia]

At that point?

[Chris]

I would say yeah, because, you know, I'd known the girl for 15 minutes, however long it was. My perception of time may have been a little bit off, but, yeah, it was easy to walk away. And I went and hung out with my friends and had a great night for the rest of the night, and I didn't have to explain myself to anyone.

[Bird]

And he walks away knowing he's never going to hear from her ever again. So what's the big deal, right?

[Jen]

Right.

[Melissa]

Like she's gonna check them down on the radio or anything.

[Bird]

All right, man. Again, this is not a grilling session. I'm just glad we found you. And at least for you, Julie, at least you have closure on the whole thing.

[Julia]

Yeah. Thank you so much.

[Bird]

Okay.

[Phil]

No, the reason I was asking, Chris, because I just think. I think for women, a lot of times we associate ourselves by who we're dating, you know, and that that person always seems to come up. Like, even when it's. I mean, we'll throw somebody's name in the conversation just to show everybody we're dating somebody.

[Stacy]

Or.

[Phil]

That's why I was asking, is it for a guy, is it easier to walk away or is it uncomfortable for you?

[Bird]

It's easy to. Easier just to walk away.

[Julia]

I'll say it's easier for me, too, if I'm in a conversation. Yeah. If I'm in a conversation with somebody and I'm hitting it off. And we didn't. I mean, we didn't broach any kind of topic that he would have been. I mean, he would have had to force his girlfriend into the conversation, I think. I mean, we were talking about where we grew up and where we went to college and all this stuff. I mean, I don't know, maybe if he met his girlfriend at college, then he could have dropped it in there. But for me, it's always easier to just kind of like, you know, not hurting these feelings, but be like, oh, you know, I have to go. And I don't know. It's something I do, too.

[Bird]

I don't just bail at that point.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Stacy]

I guess I just.

[Sarah]

I mean, maybe it's not the best.

[Julia]

Way to handle it, but, you know.

[Bird]

Yeah. Nobody owes anybody anything at that point.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Bird]

All right, you guys, thanks. Thanks, Chris.

[Chris]

You bet.

[Bird]

Appreciate it, man.

[Chris]

All right.

[Tom]

Take it easy.

[Stacy]

See ya.

[Bird]

Bye, Julia.

[Julia]

Bye.

[Bird]

Bye. I'm still kind of uncomfortable. Bye.

[Stacy]

Yeah.

[Bird]

Good morning, Deborah. You're on all the hits Q100.

[Julia]

Hey, Y'.

[Stacy]

All.

[Julia]

Listen, y' all are great, but I want to let you know that somebody needs to give that young man some props. I mean, he did have a conscience and walk away before it got too deep. So that was pretty good.

[Bird]

Yeah, I think we're trying to say that.

[Phil]

Oh, yeah. I wasn't accusing him.

[Julia]

He did. And the girl, really. I mean, she didn't want to find out anything. I mean, she wanted to find out something about him, but did the okay thing. And if I was the girlfriend, I'd still be okay with it.

[Phil]

So is the lesson learned that if a guy walks away and never comes back, that you just let it go?

[Julia]

I mean, pretty much.

[Jeff]

Or he's got amnesia.

[Bird]

What could the other sign be to you? If we walk away, we don't get the phone number and we don't come back looking for you.

[Julia]

Well, you either, Daddy, you have Alzheimer's, or.

[Bird]

Well, Julie, we're not at Johnny's hideaway. We're talking about East Andrews.

[Phil]

But, like, Julia, Julia misunderstood.

[Stacy]

She.

[Phil]

I guess she felt like she had left early, before he had a chance to come back, or she felt like she missed an opportunity, you know? So I'm just wondering if girls need to take a. You know, more of a clue from.

[Bird]

Guys who walk away, never come back.

[Julia]

I think that would probably be a good idea. If they don't come back from the bathroom, either they got some real colon problems or they're just not interested.

[Phil]

Or if you see him crawling out the bathroom window at the bar, out to the parking lot, that's a clue.

[Bird]

Because he's just not that interested. You don't have to look too hard. If he never shows back up after he says, I'll be right back, he's just not that into you.

[Phil]

Or if he doesn't call you like that's what we talk about all the time, is women who are trying to figure out what he means by not communicating with her.

[Bird]

It's really pretty. We're very simple creatures. See, the problem here is women are so complicated and you guys complain, manipulate so much better than we can that you assume we're manipulating the same way you are. We don't have that capacity.

[Jen]

Right.

[Bird]

We can't.

[Melissa]

We give you too much credit.

[Bird]

Really? Totally. Because you think that we think as advanced as you do.

[Jen]

Uh huh.

[Bird]

I'm here to tell you guys I have your back. We're dumb.

[Jeff]

Thanks for the support. That's cool.

[Bird]

You got it, man. We just, we can't think like that.

[Phil]

Just say women are smart, guys are dumb.

[Bird]

I didn't say. I'm just saying women are smart. And we don't think that way. We just, we like to be all out there and be honest with you guys. You guys are constantly manipulating, playing these games and we can't, we can't think that advanced.

[Julia]

Crab. Crab.

[Jen]

Get it?

[Bird]

The Birch Show. All right. Over the last couple of weeks, we were railing pretty hard on 911 and I think for, for good reason.

[Phil]

Yeah, because we, we were in the middle of a Levi's call and we had a listener call us up to confirm a sighting of a car. She needed just confirmation on the description we had been giving out. And to save time, we just connected her directly with a 911 operator here in metro Atlanta. And the call didn't go so well. I mean, there's a lot of drop, you know, dropped calls, waiting, transferring. And so we just kind of focused on the issues that people have had, you know, in Atlanta for a while about those very things. So it was just, it was kind of an organic thing that just happened live on air.

[Bird]

And since we did that segment and we got all that TV coverage and stuff, I don't know if you guys are getting these, but every time a Birch show listener has a bad experience with 911 now over the weekend, they email us to tell us about that.

[Jeff]

One about that Tennessee guy.

[Bird]

I just saw the headline of it the other day.

[Jeff]

He was driving from Tennessee, from Chattanooga back to Atlanta and saw a car wreck like, happen, like he saw two seconds after it happened. So he says, well, let me call 91 1. So he. They didn't know exactly. Like, he gave his exit number, and it was similar to calling here. Like, the 911 operator didn't know where he was and transferred him to, like, three different counties. So finally he ends up talking to someone in Tennessee. And the Tennessee person, he explains the whole thing. He's like, this accident happened like five minutes ago now. And I've been transferred all over the place, and they can't figure out what county I'm in. And the Tennessee guy says, well, what exit are you passing right now? Writes it down. He goes, and how long ago did you make the call? And he looks at his phone. He goes, 5 minutes and 15 seconds. He goes, okay, all right. You can just hang up. I will call Georgia Highway Patrol and have them go to the accident.

[Bird]

It's gotta be pretty frustrating, you know, but from time to time, you hear from 911 operators that sometimes lines just kind of clogged up with hey, will you save my cat from a tree Call and stuff like that. So on one hand, we have every reason in the world to look at our 911 system and say, okay, something needs to be changed. But every now and then, a call gets through where you're listening in. You're thinking, why in the world would you ever call 911 about this? And I got some audio. This is an actual phone call to a nine one one operator. This is not a phone scam, as far as I know. This is a real call that a 911 operator took. And I'm not exactly sure what city this is in. I think it's in the Midwest, like Milwaukee or something. An actual 911 call from a woman that's so, so upset because of the treatment that she's getting at Burger King.

[Melissa]

No.

[Bird]

Yes. This is an actual call.

[Sarah]

How can I help you? Yeah, I'm over here. I'm over here at Burger King. Right here in San Clemente. No, not San Clemente.

[Julia]

I'm sorry.

[Sarah]

I live in San Clemente. I'm in Laguna Niguel.

[Bird]

I think this is la.

[Sarah]

I'm at a drive through right now. I had. I ordered my food three times. They're mopping the floor inside. And I understand they're busy. They're not even busy, okay? I've been the only car here. I asked them four different times to make me a Western barbecue burger, okay? They keep giving me a hamburger with lettuce, tomato and cheese, onions. And I said, I'm not leaving. I want a Western burger. Because I just got my kids from taekwondo. They're hungry. I'm on my way home, and I live in San Clemente.

[Julia]

Uh huh.

[Sarah]

Okay. She said she gave me another hamburger.

[Julia]

It's wrong.

[Sarah]

I said four times. I said, I want it. She goes, can you go out and park in front? I said, no, I want my hamburger, Rice. So then the lady came to the manager, or whoever she is, she came up and she said. She said, do you want your money back? And I said, no, I want my hamburger. My kids are hungry, and I have to jump on that toll freeway. I said, I am not leaving this spot. And I said, I will call the police because I want my western burger done right now. Is that so hard? Okay, what exactly is it you want us to do for you? I send the officers down here. I want them to make me. Ma', am, we're not gonna go down there and enforce your western bacon cheeseburger. What am I supposed to do? This is between you and the manager. We're not gonna go enforce how to make a hamburger. That's not a criminal issue. There's nothing criminal. So I just stand here? So I just sit here? You need to calmly and rationally speak to the manager and figure out what to do between you. She did come up and I said, can I please have my Wexin burger?

[Julia]

She.

[Sarah]

She said, I'm not dealing with. She walked away because they're mopping the floor and it's all full of studs, and they don't want to run. They don't want to go through there. And then I suggest you get your money back and go somewhere else.

[Julia]

This.

[Sarah]

This.

[Julia]

This is.

[Sarah]

This is not a criminal issue. We can't go out there and. And make them make you a cheeseburger.

[Julia]

The way you want it.

[Sarah]

Well, that is. That's. You're supposed to be here to protect me. What are we protecting you from a wrong cheeseburger? No. Is this like. Is this a harmful cheeseburger or something? I don't understand what you want us to do. Well, just come down here. I'm not leaving. No, ma'.

[Julia]

Am.

[Sarah]

I'm not sending the deputies down there over a cheeseburger. You need to go in there and act like an adult and either get your money back and go home. Not acting like an adult herself. I'm sitting here in my car. I just want them to make my kids a western burger. Now this is what I suggest. I suggest you get your money back from the manager and you go on your way home. Okay? Okay.

[Jeff]

Bye.

[Stacy]

Bye.

[Bird]

Actual call to 91 1. As far as I know that's real. I know that's real.

[Jeff]

Tell us, Mr. California, tell us about the people of San Clemente.

[Bird]

I don't know anything about them, except she didn't even know if she was in San Clemente or she was in Laguna, which may even tell you a little bit more about her.

[Jeff]

If I was the 911 operator, I would have recommended a Tender Crisp bacon cheddar brand just like that.

[Bird]

Grow on trees.

[Julia]

You get the veg all day, all the lotto tickets pay.

[Tom]

There's a king who wants you to.

[Jeff]

Have it your way.

[Julia]

That's the Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch.

[Jen]

Come and get it.

[Bird]

Hey, Zach, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Tom]

Hey, how y' all doing this morning?

[Bird]

All right, thank you. Pretty good.

[Tom]

I work in a restaurant down in Macon, and this woman found a fly in her food and she called the police with a fly in her food.

[Jen]

Why?

[Bird]

What are they going to do?

[Chris]

Dead serious.

[Tom]

I cannot believe it. Looking for a lawsuit, I guess. I mean, the cops came out, they were laughing so hard, it wasn't funny.

[Bird]

So the call that we just listened to, that's a two and a half minute phone call that a 911 operator is on with somebody bitching about the way that their. Their burger is being done at Burger King when she could be taking other calls.

[Phil]

I would love to talk to an Atlanta911 operator and I want to hear the foolish calls that we have had in our own city.

[Bird]

Seriously, I mean, dozens a day, I bet. Just like that.

[Jeff]

Yeah, they should be able to arrest people for just being idiots. Like, she had her kids with her, you know, just from Taekwondo. They were hungry. So, like, that woman right there is not qualified to raise children. Like, because you know what? Stupidity is passed down from generation to generation. Like, dear God, I hope those kids aren't homeschooled. Like, those kids should be sent away. Like, those kids should be raised by different parents. That woman is a.

[Bird]

Hey, Tom, you're on all the hits. Q100. Hey, how you doing? All right, thank you.

[Tom]

Yeah, the. The 911 call. You guys just played. We.

[Chris]

We get dispatched.

[Tom]

I'm a police officer.

[Chris]

We get dispatched those types of calls all the time.

[Phil]

Really?

[Bird]

Give us some examples.

[Tom]

Oh, people. People at the Laundromat, their clothes don't get washed and they call us to get a room. Call us before somebody give them a refund.

[Bird]

Are you. And why are they calling 911 for that?

[Tom]

I have no idea.

[Phil]

They can't yeah, like that 911 operator go to the manager and have a one on one conversation with the manager. Like they think that if they've got, you know, your, you have their back, that all of a sudden they're going to get their $1.25.

[Bird]

Yeah, yeah.

[Melissa]

911'S for emergencies, not like consumer advocate.

[Jeff]

Groups or for a buck and a half. Like if you're upset because your hamburger's not getting done. Right, Clark, Call Clark Howard.

[Bird]

Right.

[Jeff]

Call the Consumer Action line and deal with them for a dollar.

[Julia]

They.

[Bird]

Sarah, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Sarah]

Yeah, I was just gonna let y'.

[Julia]

All know I'm a police officer. And we get called because parents can't even get their six and seven year old kids to school. They want us to come out and take their kids to school.

[Melissa]

No.

[Sarah]

Yes.

[Bird]

So you get a call saying, look, I need an officer out here to get my kid up and get him to school.

[Julia]

Yeah, all time.

[Melissa]

Ridiculous.

[Jen]

Totally.

[Phil]

Oh my God.

[Bird]

Thank you, Sarah.

[Sarah]

You're welcome.

[Bird]

Bye.

[Julia]

Duh.

[Bird]

You're on the Burt Show. So this is on the heels of the last conversation we had about women and your orgasm and all that stuff. And we had women calling up saying that they'd been faking it quite a bit. You know, we didn't get into specific numbers at that point, but I read a survey this morning that maybe I was just feeling insecure or whatever, but my mind started reeling and I'm not even exactly sure how to phrase the question. So you'll have to help me out with this, but the survey that I read this morning was that the percentage of women who report having an orgasm during sexual intercourse in different countries. Okay. In Brazil, women responded that they have orgasms Every time 22% of the time. So like, let's say one out of five. One out of five.

[Stacy]

Okay.

[Bird]

Okay. Almost every time they responded, 35%. So one and three. Right. In Canada, every time. 14% have one every time. Almost every time. 37%. In China, every time. 11%. 11%. Almost every time. 21%.

[Jeff]

He's interview Pat O' Brien's girlfriend.

[Bird]

Just his voice alone is enough to make you.

[Jeff]

I'm at 100%. I don't know about you guys, but I'm done.

[Bird]

Now in Italy, as compared to the rest of the world, the women there are pretty satisfied. They say they have orgasms Every time 29% of the time. So one out of every three. Right. So now my mind is starting to race a little bit, thinking about my own situation in Japan, every time, only 8%. 8%.

[Jeff]

So if you're a guy here in America, what you want to do is find a woman who just moved here from Japan. For sure, you could triple her numbers, no problem.

[Bird]

South Africa, every time, 19%. In England, every time, 16%. Now here's the one in the United States, women are having orgasms Every time. 17%. 17%. Almost every time, 31%.

[Melissa]

No more economics in high school. Now I know what we need to start teaching the boys, Right?

[Bird]

Serious. What a bummer. Okay, Now I am just arrogant enough to think that I am engaged in a relationship where my wife is completely satisfied one month, 100% of the time, of course. Okay, that's the blinder that I wear. That's the blinder that I want to wear. Here's what I want to ask women. And help me with the phrasing of this. I want to know how long you have engaged in a sexual relationship and gone without having the orgasm, but have had to fake it.

[Jeff]

Stacy's on the hotline. Oh, no.

[Bird]

This is a bad time.

[Melissa]

She's going to brag about you in the bedroom, isn't she?

[Bird]

But you know what? Here's where I won't believe what she's saying, because she's only going to say good things. And I love you for that, honey. I love you for that. This is Stacey.

[Jeff]

I think so.

[Bird]

Stacey.

[Julia]

Yes.

[Sarah]

Yes.

[Bird]

Cool. I was hoping it was you and not one of those chicks from Venezuela.

[Jeff]

From the whorehouse.

[Bird]

From the whorehouse in Venezuela. What's up, honey?

[Julia]

I'm not saying anything. And you better tread lightly, buddy.

[Bird]

Yeah, I'm going to. I'm going to. Because I'm not allowed to talk about our sex life.

[Melissa]

I don't know if I want to hear this.

[Bird]

No, the point that I'm trying to make, I think every married guy wants to believe that his wife is 100% satisfied. That's just what we want to believe.

[Jeff]

That if you're treading lightly, you're not going to be.

[Bird]

Statistics here are showing us, though, only women are having the big o only 17% of the time.

[Stacy]

That's. That's a shame. That's. That's. That's a threat to national security right there.

[Bird]

So what I want to hear from. I want to hear from the women that have been engaged in, like, marriages, maybe 20 years, where their husband thinks that they're satisfied every time, but they really haven't had an orgasm in, like, 20 years.

[Stacy]

So what you're asking for is People in long term relationship.

[Bird]

Yes.

[Stacy]

How long have they gone without a real orgasm?

[Bird]

Right.

[Stacy]

And maybe how many times have they faked it in that time?

[Bird]

Yes. Okay, that's what I think. I'm asking because I was starting to get all insecure this morning.

[Jeff]

I'm just curious as to why Stacy was calling.

[Bird]

Yeah, what's up?

[Julia]

I was just asking you to be a little careful. But I also wanted to know. I didn't know if you wanted me to call. Because you were talking about it?

[Bird]

No, because in this case, you wouldn't have a lot of credibility with me. Even though you're the person I'm sleeping with. I know you would only say good things on the radio, so I, I. You're not going to tell me? Look, you're really not as good in bed as you think you are.

[Jeff]

Besides, we got Pilar from Costa Rica.

[Bird]

She's not laughing. She's not laughing. All right, honey, I'll talk to you later.

[Julia]

Okay, bye.

[Chris]

Bye.

[Bird]

Did I phrase that well?

[Stacy]

I think so, yeah.

[Phil]

I just.

[Stacy]

It's such a shame, though. It's a shame. And it's not just, you know, it's a joke that, you know, teach guys what to do, but it's also teach women not to be so restricted about their own bodies because a lot of, you know, like, I'm pretty comfortable with my body. I know my body well enough, and there are times it's just not going to happen. But I'm honest with the person I'm with, that it's not going to happen. You know what I'm saying? So I'm confident enough to be able to say, you know what? It's not going to work. I'm not in the right mindset lately.

[Jeff]

You've only been with yourself. So I'm wondering what that conversation goes like. All right, Melissa, you can do better than that.

[Stacy]

Yeah, yeah, whatever. Okay. No, I'm 100% satisfied in that situation.

[Bird]

Are you sure? Because statistics are showing me your mind right now.

[Stacy]

But I think, you know, so. Yeah, I think it's, it just. There's so many factors that go into that. I think it's a shame that, that even, I don't know, 17%.

[Bird]

That's what I'm saying. Like every man, I think every married guy, or if you're in a long term relationship with a woman, to me, the theory is that the sex is supposed to get better and better. So you want to believe as a man that when she is appearing to be having a great time, appearing to be having an Orgasm. You want to believe that's true, but the statistic says it's only 17% of the time.

[Melissa]

Well, and I think I agree with you, though. Like, in the beginning of relationships, I think that women would probably fake it a lot more often.

[Bird]

Okay.

[Melissa]

And the reason I think so is because the longer you're in a relationship, the more comfortable you become with that other person, the more comfortable you are to be honest about what you're feeling, what you're not feeling, or whatever, but in the beginning of relationship, not only are you kind of uncomfortable, and there's like a little bit of an awkward fumbling aroundness going on, there's also, like, the ego going on. And men have got huge egos. And you have, like, in the beginning of a relationship with a man, you have to be gentle if you want that relationship to continue. I mean, if you guys went to the bedroom with somebody the first time and they're like, yeah, you know what? You're doing this wrong. You're doing that wrong. You're doing this wrong. You guys wouldn't want to be with them again. So, you know, you guys have these massive egos that we have to handle with kid gloves for a while until we're in the relationship long enough that we can be honest with you and then start getting satisfied until it gets.

[Jeff]

To the point where you're comfortable asking him to wear women's panties and do river dance in the corner of the room, because that's really what turns you on. Oh, nobody. Elsa.

[Bird]

I know you're lying because I would defy you right now to do.

[Phil]

A river dance or to put on.

[Stacy]

A pair of ties.

[Bird]

This goes the other way, too. Women are just as insecure in the bedroom as guys are.

[Phil]

Yeah, everybody is.

[Melissa]

I would say everybody is. But you guys have got the massive ego to deal with.

[Bird]

Yeah, but see, for women, it's more of a head game. So same situation. If a guy tells a woman she's terrible in bed the first time, forget it. She is gone.

[Melissa]

She's gonna overanalyze.

[Bird]

Overanalyze. And then it's become more stressful and stressful every time you guys try.

[Melissa]

And so you almost need to fake it in the beginning.

[Bird]

So, Melissa, once again, what is the question that I'm asking? Because I'm too stupid to phrase it myself.

[Stacy]

No. Well, the question is, like, if you're in a long term relationship, only because I agree with Jen, you know, that you'll fake it with somebody new. But in a long term relationship, what is the longest you've gone without a natural orgasm. And out of curiosity, how many times within that dry spell have you had to fake it?

[Bird]

So to speak, Chris is going to be depressing. Hello, Melody. Yes, Good morning.

[Julia]

Good morning. I was in a relationship for two years and out of the two years I probably had to fake it. Like every single time we'd done it. I only had an orgasm like maybe four times. So I was faking the big O a lot.

[Bird]

Now if we had that ex boyfriend on the phone and we asked him how many times you had an orgasm in that two years, how many times would he say?

[Julia]

Every time.

[Bird]

So you faked it?

[Julia]

I'm an expert.

[Bird]

You faked it every time?

[Julia]

I faked it every time.

[Melissa]

Academy Award winner.

[Julia]

Academy Award winner. I had to fake it. I loved him because I, you know, I stayed with him because I loved him, but the sex was awful.

[Jeff]

But then how can you not like. So if you're faking it every time the four times and it really does happen, how come you're not like singing opera and grabbing onto the curtains like a kid?

[Julia]

Because I didn't want him to know I was faking it. It would have, you know, it would have hurt his ego if he knew I was faking it. So I had to kind of, you know, tone it down, let him know.

[Stacy]

Oh, see now, you know, everybody's for personal causes and being activists and something. I think I found a new cause, you know, because I think it is a shame that she's going in a two year relationship and faking her orgasm every time.

[Bird]

Every time.

[Stacy]

That's awful.

[Melissa]

At least she's out of it now.

[Stacy]

Should have been out of it a long time ago.

[Bird]

Hey, Heather?

[Julia]

Yes? Hi.

[Bird]

Hi. Can you turn your radio down?

[Julia]

Yeah, actually it's off.

[Bird]

Okay, thank you. Go ahead.

[Julia]

Yeah, I was in a relationship for almost four years. We were engaged and everything and I had to fake it every time.

[Melissa]

You never had the big O?

[Julia]

Never. Not with him, Never.

[Bird]

So like, if you wanted to have the big O, then, I mean, wouldn't you tell him different things to do to make it better for you?

[Julia]

I tried and it still didn't work.

[Stacy]

Yeah. Who else is laughing?

[Julia]

Oh, that's my sister in law. She's over here.

[Stacy]

Is that your sister in law? Did you marry this guy?

[Julia]

No, actually I'm married to another man now and he's. He does it all right. I have no problems with him.

[Jeff]

He does it all right. You're saying that in front of his sister, huh? You're saying that in front of his sister.

[Julia]

Yeah, but that's okay.

[Bird]

Ew. Now she knows you guys are having sex.

[Julia]

Oh, we have a kid, so.

[Phil]

Of course.

[Tom]

And that.

[Jeff]

It's all right.

[Julia]

It's all right.

[Bird]

So four years. You faked it every single time?

[Julia]

Every time? Yes, sir.

[Melissa]

How old were you during that relationship, if you don't mind me asking?

[Julia]

See, I was 18. Actually, I was 16 when I started dating him, and I was almost 20 when we split up.

[Bird]

Okay, that makes sense to me. A little more sense then. At 16, I mean.

[Stacy]

Yeah.

[Bird]

I don't know how your body works. Yeah.

[Stacy]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

I don't think you really know what you want.

[Bird]

And I don't even think you know how to fake it right at 16. Do you even know how to fake it right at 16?

[Jeff]

Not even putting it.

[Bird]

Because you haven't had enough of them yet to know.

[Julia]

I guess I faked it. Right. He never had no questions.

[Bird]

How old was he?

[Julia]

Oh, God, he was three years older than I was.

[Stacy]

All right, but it's obviously. Yeah, but it's obviously not just a teenage thing, though, you know, like.

[Melissa]

But I do agree that obviously.

[Stacy]

Yeah, but, yeah, there's. There's faking going on in teenage years, too.

[Bird]

Maria?

[Julia]

Yes.

[Bird]

Good morning.

[Julia]

Hey. How are you?

[Bird]

Good. How are you doing?

[Julia]

Good. I've been married for 15 years now. Well, together, 15 years, you know, But I'm married with him. And definitely the beginning was much better. No faking, no nothing. And right now, I mean, faking.99.9 all the time.

[Bird]

Why?

[Phil]

What's the difference?

[Sarah]

It's horrible.

[Julia]

It's horrible.

[Stacy]

What's the difference? What's the change?

[Julia]

I think that, you know, kids take a lot of stuff out of you and probably issues that never, you know, clear up and all that stuff. So at least for my part, I think it's resentment and all that kind of stuff that, you know, they don't get you really in the mood.

[Bird]

So it's not a physical thing for you. I mean, you have the capacity to do.

[Julia]

I hope not. I mean, I keep asking my doctor, and they keep saying that it's, you know. Well, you have kids and all that, so I don't know. I mean, there's no Viagra for women, they said. But, you know, I'm willing to try something because it's really frustrating.

[Stacy]

See, I'm wondering. I mean, apart from the kids, and I don't know anything about the biological changes of children, but, you know, she said unresolved issues and that kind of thing sometimes. I think the reason a lot of Times that it doesn't work for women, and we've said this over and over again, is women need to be mentally in the zone for it to happen. And if it's not going to happen, a woman knows. She knows it's not going to happen. There's nothing.

[Julia]

And if you said no, I mean, they start getting angry because you don't want to do it anymore and this and that, but. Or it takes forever, you know, for you to get there and all that. So it's, you know, I'm tired, so, you know, let's do it right away, and then let's go to sleep.

[Bird]

I mean, Maria, let me ask you this, though, but. And how many years are we talking about you faking it now?

[Julia]

Well, we dated for two years kind of thing, and then. And then we got married. And probably, I don't know, like 10.

[Bird]

I should say 10 years without an Oreo.

[Julia]

Horrible. And if you listen to me, I mean, he's gonna divorce me.

[Bird]

Let me ask you this, though. By faking it, though, aren't you contributing to the bad sex?

[Julia]

Like, of course.

[Bird]

Are you telling him to do things differently?

[Julia]

I tried, but, you know, it's also the ego. It's big. So if I. If I. Sometimes I'm kind of. And I don't do anything. And he asked me, you know, did you feel anything? I said, no, but it's okay and all that. I mean, I don't think he cares too much anymore. If. I don't know. I don't know.

[Stacy]

I mean, I think that. I think both parties have to take responsibility. I so think women need to speak up and be comfortable with their bodies. But guys have to understand, like she said, sometimes he's too tired to wait until she has hers. Like, guys, a lot of guys aren't patient enough to understand and that, you know, that women are not the same as men and they.

[Bird]

Women are, but your women are contributing to it. Because if she's faking it and faking and faking it, we're looking at her and she's having this great time, that I'm gonna continue to do what I did last time.

[Stacy]

Great. But she said that she would say stuff to him. And she even said in her conversation that he would say he's too tired, you know, or he's impatient with, you know, her and that kind of thing. And so, I mean, you know, she. She spoke up. And I do agree. Women need to speak up, Maria, if you.

[Bird]

If.

[Julia]

If you speak up a lot. I mean, sometimes. I mean, they get. He Gets very discouraged. So, I mean, he's not doing it right and this and that and. And, you know, some other problems begin. So sometimes we don't want to do. We don't want to say anything. So let's not start a new fight, you know, on the top of the other ones that we have or the other issues that, you know, that we don't agree with.

[Melissa]

So they have all those, you know, sex coaches and counselors and all that, you know, Dr. Phil for the bedroom type of people that can. Can help couples that have been married for a long time. Because it sounds like if they want help, if it's emotional issues and unresolved things, it sounds like, you know, it's something that you need to get through there first and then maybe have some more coaching in the bedroom. Because if you feel. If you feel love for someone and you feel passionate for someone, you can figure it. The rest of it can figure itself out in the bedroom. And you're gonna be willing to take the time to do for one another. But I think if you're, you know, if you're not emotionally connecting, if you're not on the same page, I think that's where it stems from. Because if she is irritated with him all the time, she's annoyed with him, she's angry with him, There is no way in the world she's going to be able to have an orgasm. There just won't.

[Stacy]

And then. But then I think also on the other side, the guy has to listen to the suggestions that the woman makes. Like, he can't get, like, discouraged. He can't get his ego bruised. You know, I mean it. Both parties are responsible.

[Bird]

Here's the thing I don't get from the guy's point of view, like, if you've been with a woman long enough, I don't understand how we can't know the real ones from the fake ones. It seems to me like you should.

[Stacy]

Be paying enough attention to know your woman well enough.

[Bird]

Right? Like, I mean, I know that there are times when Stacy's not into it. She's just taking one for the team. I know that. I totally do. And she's trying her best. You know, those times aren't fun for me. But you know what? I'm gonna get through that. But, guys, I would think you'd be able to tell better. But in every single one of these cases, when we ask women, how many times would your husband think that you orgasm, they say 100% of the time. Good morning, Mike.

[Julia]

Yes.

[Tom]

Hey, how you doing? Today?

[Bird]

Oh, just discouraged, bro.

[Tom]

Don't worry about it. Listen, I think it's personally an honesty issue, and couples, when you're doing that, you need to let each other know, either, hey, it's going to happen, or it's not going to happen. And, hey, I can take rejection because there's been times where I hadn't been able to finish up, you know, so it's. It's working together. And you know what. What's wrong with a little manual stimulation there during the process? That seem to help. And why can't women, you know, do. Maybe I got lucky and married a freak, you know, but it seems like every time we're there, and if we don't, you know, maybe what's a drink? And it's just not going to happen. And it's not going to happen. You know, you chalk it up to experience and move on. But I just. I think women sometimes aren't comfortable with themselves and maybe are either scared of it or. Because it seems like to me, if you could get it, why don't you get it?

[Jeff]

You know what I mean?

[Bird]

From a guy's perspective, would you rather have. And women listen to this answer. Would you rather have a woman say to you, look, I would. I'm just beat. It's nothing to do with you. I'm.

[Julia]

Let's just.

[Bird]

Let's just forget this tonight. We'll try it again tomorrow. Or would you rather go through the motions and just let you do your business?

[Tom]

Well, you know, both. How's that? Because, you know, she can say that and say, well, it's just gonna happen. And then, you know, okay, then I do my thing. But then, you know, I also want that, you know, for her to be honest and say, if she doesn't want to, then. Then, of course, let's go ahead and stop. And, you know, if you're spent, your abs are hurting, your legs are cramping, and everything else, you know, I understand. Okay? We're just, you know, you know, trying to chop down a tree with a baseball bat. It's not going to happen.

[Bird]

So, you know, another sports analogy always goes back to that. For guys, I would rather not have it at all than just have a bad.

[Jeff]

You know, that, by the way, is my technique, chopping down a tree with a baseball bat. So I'm upset that he used that as a. Ew.

[Bird]

All right, one more, and then we are actually. She already hung up, so you want.

[Jeff]

To come to my on deck circle? That's how I get chicks.

[Bird]

Jessica's one lucky Lady, I think that.

[Melissa]

There is something I wanted to say really quickly, before we get off the topic, is that I think it's harder for women to turn. Turn it around. We've talked about this before, but for a long time we're told in our lives that sex is bad. Don't do it. Keep your legs crossed. Don't have sex or else you're a hoe. You're a hoe. You know, then you get into one of these long relationships. Then all of a sudden you're supposed to go from completely living your whole life as a young girl up into one stage one way. Then you're supposed to be able to flip it around and be free as free can be in the bedroom another way. And I just don't think that women make that transition so quickly. Guys are told their whole life that it's okay and it's a good thing. Yeah, go out, bang to some chicks, man, it's great.

[Bird]

You know, chop down a tree.

[Melissa]

You guys are given positive reinforcement in the sexual category your entire life. So no wonder you can, you know, take care of your business in three minutes. You know, I mean, think about it. If we're told it's wrong our whole lives and then all of a sudden you get married or you get in a long term relationship, or you feel comfortable enough with a partner, all of a sudden you're supposed to be this like wild sexual being. I just don't think that. I just don't think it's possible to turn that quickly. So I think it takes a, a long time for women to discover themselves and discover themselves sexually.

[Jeff]

I'd like to know when we're going to spend some equal time and talk about all the guys who've had to spend their entire relationships faking.

[Bird]

That'd be a very short conversation. Is that what you find yourself doing?

[Jeff]

Yeah, all the time.

[Bird]

Right.

[Jeff]

It's not as good as Jessica. It's like she's trying to chop down a tree with a baseball bat.

[Bird]

Listen, it's the vert show.