The Bert Show – Full Show PT 3: Wednesday, January 7 [Vault]
Episode Date: January 7, 2026
Hosts: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and the Bert Show Cast
Episode Overview
This episode of The Bert Show delivers a signature blend of humor, authenticity, and real-life topics designed to make mornings more bearable. The main themes include controversial parenting practices (specifically spanking), awkward dating scenarios, the realities of sexual satisfaction in relationships, and lighthearted takes on everyday absurdities. The cast and listeners share candid stories, while the hosts offer comedic takes and personal perspectives, keeping the tone lively and engaging.
Key Discussion Points and Insights
1. Spanking: Parenting, Permission, and Boundaries
Segment: 01:31–13:25
- Context: Inspired by a plotline on "Desperate Housewives," the crew debates who (besides parents or teachers) should be allowed to spank children and what happens when babysitters or friends cross boundaries.
- Listener Stories: Callers share personal experiences; one recalls being spanked by a family friend at a mall (02:05), another recounts spanking a babysitting charge despite knowing the parents' anti-spanking stance (03:37).
- Notable Quote:
- Bird: “That’s the bigger question: if somebody else is watching your kids, whose set of rules are they under at that point? Yours? Theirs? That’s a real fine line to walk there.” (08:46)
- Notable Quote:
- Crew Debate: The group considers whether strict boundaries or “the fear of spanking” keeps kids in line, and how time-outs compare as discipline.
- Phil: “When parents don’t want to be stern with their children... what are you trying to prove, that you’re not mean, you want to be friends with your child? ... you don’t need to be friends until you’re both adults.” (10:15)
- Comedic Interludes: The hosts joke about alternative discipline methods, including outlandish ideas like putting kids in a garage for time-outs (11:19).
2. "Love Lost and Found": Dating, Ghosting, and Social Cues
Segment: 13:25–27:36
- Premise Explanation: Listeners seek help reconnecting with people they met but didn’t get numbers for, leading to a comical investigation into the identity of “Chris.”
- Comedic Banter: The hosts toy with the idea that only attractive people get “love lost and found” attention (14:06).
- Melissa: “We don’t do Love Lost and Found for ugly kids.” (14:01)
- Identity Mix-Up: Multiple callers claim to know or be “Chris,” leading to confusion, jokes about “dirty Travis,” and playful cat pee references (16:46–17:32).
- Resolution: The real Chris is found; he clarifies that he left a conversation with Julia because he felt things were getting inappropriate, as he has a girlfriend.
- Chris: “I felt like our conversation was starting to get to the point where I was giving her the wrong idea.” (19:49)
- Bird summarizes: “Nobody owes anybody anything at that point.” (25:19)
- Big Question: Should women take the hint if a guy walks away and doesn’t return in a social setting?
- Bird: “If he never shows back up after he says, ‘I’ll be right back,’ he’s just not that into you.” (26:40)
- Phil: “Women are smart, and we don’t think that way. We like to be all out there and honest with you guys. You guys are constantly manipulating, playing these games and we can’t—we can’t think that advanced.” (27:15)
3. 911 Calls: Emergencies vs. Everyday Irritations
Segment: 27:36–35:19
- Listener/Host Experiences: Since covering 911 system flaws, the show regularly receives stories of failed or bizarre emergency calls.
- Absurd Example: The show plays an actual 911 call where a woman demands police intervention because Burger King won’t make her burger correctly (30:10–32:38).
- Notable Moment:
- Sarah (911 Operator): “Ma’am, we’re not going to go down there and enforce your Western bacon cheeseburger… You need to calmly and rationally speak to the manager.” (31:30)
- Notable Moment:
- More Real-Life Examples: Listeners and a police officer call in with stories of frivolous 911 use—calls about laundromats, fly-in-the-food complaints, and requests for police to get kids to school (33:17–35:41).
- Sarah (Officer): “We get called because parents can’t even get their six and seven year old kids to school. They want us to come out and take their kids to school.” (35:23)
- Melissa: “911’s for emergencies, not like consumer advocate groups or for a buck and a half.” (35:07)
4. Female Sexual Satisfaction and Faking Orgasms
Segment: 35:44–54:54
- Data Dive: Inspired by international survey stats on women’s orgasms, the hosts explore why only 17% of American women say they orgasm every time during sex (36:31–37:52).
- Bird: “Here’s what I want to ask women… how long have you engaged in a sexual relationship and gone without having the orgasm, but have had to fake it.” (38:25)
- Candid Callers: Multiple women call in and admit to faking orgasms for years:
- Melody: “I was in a relationship for two years… I only had an orgasm maybe four times, so I was faking the big O a lot.” (43:36)
- Heather: “I was in a relationship for almost four years… I had to fake it every time.” (44:49)
- Maria: “I’ve been married for 15 years now…right now, faking 99.9% of the time.” (46:40)
- Describes emotional fatigue and unresolved issues as major factors.
- Hosts’ Reflections: Discussion on why women fake, the role of ego, emotional context, and societal factors that inhibit female pleasure.
- Melissa: “The longer you’re in a relationship, the more comfortable you become… in the beginning of a relationship… you have to be gentle if you want that relationship to continue.” (41:38)
- Stacy: “I think both parties have to take responsibility. I so think women need to speak up and be comfortable with their bodies. But guys have to understand ... that women are not the same as men.” (51:03)
- Male Perspective:
- Mike (Caller): “I think it’s personally an honesty issue, and couples, when you’re doing that, you need to let each other know, hey, it’s going to happen, or it’s not going to happen.” (51:55)
- Jeff: (sarcastically) “I’d like to know when we’re going to spend some equal time and talk about all the guys who’ve had to spend their entire relationships faking.” (55:07)
- Societal Commentary:
- Melissa: “For a long time we’re told in our lives that sex is bad… then you get into one of these long relationships… you’re supposed to suddenly be this wild sexual being. I just don’t think it’s possible to turn that quickly.” (54:02)
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- Parenting Boundaries:
- Bird (08:46): “If somebody else is watching your kids, whose set of rules are they under at that point? Yours? Theirs? That’s a real fine line to walk there, you know.”
- Dating Real Talk:
- Bird (26:40): “If he never shows back up after he says, ‘I’ll be right back,’ he’s just not that into you.”
- 911 Absurdity:
- Sarah, 911 Operator (31:30): “Ma’am, we’re not going to go down there and enforce your western bacon cheeseburger… That’s not a criminal issue.”
- Sexual Honesty:
- Melody (caller) (43:59): “I faked it every time.”
- Melissa (41:38): “Men have got huge egos… you have to handle with kid gloves for a while until we can be honest with you.”
- Maria (caller) (46:58): “Right now... faking 99.9% of the time.”
- Societal Pressures:
- Melissa (54:02): “For a long time we’re told in our lives that sex is bad … and then all of a sudden you’re supposed to go from completely living your whole life as a young girl up into one stage one way. Then you’re supposed to be able to flip it around and be free as free can be in the bedroom another way. … I just don’t think it’s possible to turn that quickly.”
Important Segment Timestamps
- Spanking & Parenting Boundaries: 01:31–13:25
- Love Lost and Found (Ghosting and Social Cues): 13:25–27:36
- 911 Calls (Emergency Systems and Absurd Calls): 27:36–35:19
- Sex Lives, Orgasms, and Faking: 35:44–54:54
Tone, Language & Style
The episode is marked by unfiltered, relatable conversations peppered with honest admissions from both hosts and listeners. There’s a playful, sometimes outrageous comedic undercurrent (often led by Bird and Jeff), but also moments of genuine vulnerability and insight, especially around relationships and sexuality.
Summary
This episode showcases The Bert Show’s knack for mixing real talk with humor, as the team moves from confessional debates on parenting, to decoding romantic and sexual mores, to poking fun at life’s daily absurdities. Listeners are brought into the fold, making the show as interactive as it is entertaining. Whether offering advice or simply offering a laugh, The Bert Show continues to create a space where nobody takes themselves too seriously—and where real issues are met with both sensitivity and wit.