The Bert Show – Full Show PT 3: Wednesday, November 26 [Vault]

Date: November 26, 2025
Podcast: The Bert Show (Pionaire Podcasting)

Main Theme:

This episode of The Bert Show delivers a fun, lighthearted mix of practical advice, relatable holiday dilemmas, and hilarious behind-the-scenes banter. The main topics include creative strategies for calling in sick from work during the holidays, the social hazards of "gift imbalance" in personal and professional gift-giving, and a delightful "Santa Scared Straight" call aimed at helping kids adjust holiday behavior. Expect a blend of humor, genuine listener stories, and comedic riffing from the entire Bert Show cast.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Calling in Sick – Tips, Stories, and Rehearsals

[01:02–14:30]

• Context: December is the peak month for calling in sick, as surveyed by Monster.com, but not everyone is actually ill.
• Hosts reflect: Many people struggle to sound convincingly sick, even when they are.
• Listener Participation: Callers share their “calling in sick” strategies, and the cast critiques their believability.

Key Advice and Tips:

• Call First Thing in the Morning:
  “Best time to call? As soon as you wake up, ‘cause it seems authentic. If you use your voice too much in practicing, you’re gonna ruin it.” — (E, 02:51)

• Less Detail is Better:
  “If you give out too many details, you start stuttering, you bury yourself.” — (D, 04:52)

• Props and Tricks:

  • Holding your nose: Makes you sound more congested. “If you plug your nose up, then you sound really congested... especially when you call first thing in the morning.” — Jennifer (A, 05:34)
  • Fake Coughs + Teary Voice: “Do three heavy coughs and almost cry — that’s a clincher. Very good.” — (C & D, 10:13, 10:22, 10:26)

Notable Quotes:

• On Gross Excuses:
  “If you talk about the gross stuff, your boss doesn’t wanna get into it, so he’ll get you off the phone as quick as possible.” — D (07:17)

  • Menstrual cramps and stomach troubles remain tried-and-true (if cringey) sick day excuses.

• On Forgetting to Stay in Character:
  “If you’re gonna fake a back injury, two days later, you can’t be playing Frisbee in the hall, right? You can never forget!” — (C, 04:08)

Memorable Moments:

• Live call-in rehearsals, with hosts role-playing bosses and critiquing performances.
• Comic escalation of sick-day lies — from “my aunt died” to “kneed by a horse” (D & B, 09:11).

2. Santa Scared Straight – Santa Calls a Listener’s Child

[16:31–24:36]

• Segment Setup: The Bert Show leverages “Santa season” by having Santa call children reported by parents for minor bad behavior, to nudge them back onto the nice list.
• Focus Kid: Mikayla, 6½, who struggles with whining, talking back, flirting with a boy at school, and getting ready in the morning.

Call Highlights:

• Behavioral Lessons:
  Santa gently encourages Mikayla to reduce whining and talking back:
  • “Nobody likes a whiner, you know that, don’t you?” — Santa (C, 18:29)
  • “Maybe you can try, just like you’re gonna try to stop the whining, maybe you can try to stop the talking back.” — Santa (C, 20:06)
• Charming and Surreal Requests:
  • Santa asks for a peanut butter and potato chip sandwich with pink lemonade (C, 22:21).
  • Advises Mikayla to avoid boyfriends until she's eight: “No dating until you’re eight. Okay?” (C, 19:48)
  • Makes whimsical requests for Rudolph: “Rudolph likes carrots and also asparagus... or if you don’t have reindeer food, one slice of pizza.” (C, 22:43)

Notable Quotes & Moments:

• “Santa started off really enthusiastic. Very enthusiastic. And just kind of... by midway there, he just kind of like lost interest.” — D (24:07)
• Mikayla’s earnest recitation of “Jingle Bells, Batman Smells” as a carol for Santa (A, 23:36)
• Running joke about Santa’s quirky cravings and the mythos of reindeer diets.

3. Gift Imbalance – The Perils of Holiday Exchanges

[24:38–38:10]

• Introduction: The social hazard of “gift imbalance”—giving or receiving gifts far above or below expectations—is top of mind as the staff prepares for Secret Santa.
• Real-Life Stories: Listeners call in with their own tales of awkward exchanges.

Cast Reflections:

• Gift imbalance as a “defining moment” in relationships.

  • “If you give somebody a calendar, and they give you a car... she sees me as a car person, I see her as a calendar person. That’s really extreme, but that’s what we’re talking about here.” — D (25:22)

• Homemade gifts, thoughtful cards, and hand-drawn notes can be more meaningful than expensive presents (28:21–28:54).

Listener-Shared Imbalance Stories:

• Memorable Lopsided Gifts:

  • “I gave him a gift certificate to the Gap, and he gave me herpes.” — C, joking (26:08)
  • A boyfriend returns a borrowed CD as a “gift,” complete with scratches (A, 31:32)
  • One caller recalls buying her boyfriend a Miami Hurricanes kit, only to receive a green pepper and a rose in return (A, 29:15)
  • Another buys a sibling a $30 gift card, gets an Old Navy “fox” on clearance (A, 30:04)
  • “He got me a toolbox... It was $20 at Home Depot.” — (A, 33:09)
  • A friend receives a king-size Hershey bar after gifting several hundred dollars’ worth of presents (A, 37:12)

• Host Anecdotes:

  • Bert once gave his (fitness-obsessed) girlfriend only workout-themed presents: “Every single thing I got her had to do with working out. It was just a big sign to her, like, ‘Merry Christmas, fat ass.’” — D (35:19)
  • Gifts that are “really for the guy,” like a GPS system or technology, masquerading as presents for women (B, 36:04)
  • “It’s like the Simpsons episode, Homer gets Marge a bowling ball with his own name on it.” — C (36:23)

Cultural Dynamics Discussed:

• Men frequently “mess up” gift-giving by lowballing; women’s disappointment is often tied to thoughtful mismatches, not just price (32:54–34:09).
• The social feedback cycle—one year’s lowball gift prompts a “retaliatory” year of low effort or a compensating over-the-top return.

Practical Secret Santa Advice:

• The show’s first year doing Secret Santa—no set price limit, but focus on the person’s tastes.
  • “Just get what you think is appropriate for that person.” — D (38:17)

Notable Quotes & Moments by Timestamp

• “Best time to call? As soon as you wake up… authentic.” – E [02:51]
• “If you talk about the gross stuff, your boss doesn’t wanna get into it…” – D [07:17]
• “Do three heavy coughs and almost cry — that’s a clincher.” – C & D [10:13–10:26]
• “No dating until you’re eight. Okay?” – Santa (C) [19:48]
• “If you give somebody a calendar, and they give you a car... that’s gift imbalance.” – D [25:22]
• “…a big sign to her, like, ‘Merry Christmas, fat ass.’” – D [35:19]
• “It’s like the Simpsons episode, Homer gets Marge a bowling ball with his own name on it.” – C [36:23]

Episode Flow & Tone

• Tone: Upbeat, goofy, and conversational; a mix of playful teasing, real advice, and audience engagement.
• Listener Experience: Full of direct participation, real stories, and moments of empathy and solidarity mixed with outright laughter.
• Language: Relatable, a bit irreverent, often self-deprecating and sarcastic—very much the familiar, “real, funny, and authentic” Bert Show signature style.

Conclusion

This episode is all about making the holidays a little easier—whether you need to master the art of the fake sick call, avoid social minefields in Secret Santa, or get your kids to listen with a little “Santa leverage.” Expect wit, warmth, and plenty of practical wisdom you can nod and laugh along with—even if it means leaving a peanut butter and potato chip sandwich for a very picky Santa.

For more hilarious stories, practical advice, and a genuine peek into the cast’s lives, check back for daily episodes of The Bert Show.