Full Show PT 3: Wednesday, November 26 [Vault]

Summary

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 3: Wednesday, November 26 [Vault]

Date: November 26, 2025
Podcast: The Bert Show (Pionaire Podcasting)

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Main Theme:

This episode of The Bert Show delivers a fun, lighthearted mix of practical advice, relatable holiday dilemmas, and hilarious behind-the-scenes banter. The main topics include creative strategies for calling in sick from work during the holidays, the social hazards of "gift imbalance" in personal and professional gift-giving, and a delightful "Santa Scared Straight" call aimed at helping kids adjust holiday behavior. Expect a blend of humor, genuine listener stories, and comedic riffing from the entire Bert Show cast.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Calling in Sick – Tips, Stories, and Rehearsals

[01:02–14:30]

• Context: December is the peak month for calling in sick, as surveyed by Monster.com, but not everyone is actually ill.
• Hosts reflect: Many people struggle to sound convincingly sick, even when they are.
• Listener Participation: Callers share their “calling in sick” strategies, and the cast critiques their believability.

Key Advice and Tips:

• Call First Thing in the Morning:
  “Best time to call? As soon as you wake up, ‘cause it seems authentic. If you use your voice too much in practicing, you’re gonna ruin it.” — (E, 02:51)

• Less Detail is Better:
  “If you give out too many details, you start stuttering, you bury yourself.” — (D, 04:52)

• Props and Tricks:

  • Holding your nose: Makes you sound more congested. “If you plug your nose up, then you sound really congested... especially when you call first thing in the morning.” — Jennifer (A, 05:34)
  • Fake Coughs + Teary Voice: “Do three heavy coughs and almost cry — that’s a clincher. Very good.” — (C & D, 10:13, 10:22, 10:26)

Notable Quotes:

• On Gross Excuses:
  “If you talk about the gross stuff, your boss doesn’t wanna get into it, so he’ll get you off the phone as quick as possible.” — D (07:17)

  • Menstrual cramps and stomach troubles remain tried-and-true (if cringey) sick day excuses.

• On Forgetting to Stay in Character:
  “If you’re gonna fake a back injury, two days later, you can’t be playing Frisbee in the hall, right? You can never forget!” — (C, 04:08)

Memorable Moments:

• Live call-in rehearsals, with hosts role-playing bosses and critiquing performances.
• Comic escalation of sick-day lies — from “my aunt died” to “kneed by a horse” (D & B, 09:11).

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2. Santa Scared Straight – Santa Calls a Listener’s Child

[16:31–24:36]

• Segment Setup: The Bert Show leverages “Santa season” by having Santa call children reported by parents for minor bad behavior, to nudge them back onto the nice list.
• Focus Kid: Mikayla, 6½, who struggles with whining, talking back, flirting with a boy at school, and getting ready in the morning.

Call Highlights:

• Behavioral Lessons:
  Santa gently encourages Mikayla to reduce whining and talking back:
  • “Nobody likes a whiner, you know that, don’t you?” — Santa (C, 18:29)
  • “Maybe you can try, just like you’re gonna try to stop the whining, maybe you can try to stop the talking back.” — Santa (C, 20:06)
• Charming and Surreal Requests:
  • Santa asks for a peanut butter and potato chip sandwich with pink lemonade (C, 22:21).
  • Advises Mikayla to avoid boyfriends until she's eight: “No dating until you’re eight. Okay?” (C, 19:48)
  • Makes whimsical requests for Rudolph: “Rudolph likes carrots and also asparagus... or if you don’t have reindeer food, one slice of pizza.” (C, 22:43)

Notable Quotes & Moments:

• “Santa started off really enthusiastic. Very enthusiastic. And just kind of... by midway there, he just kind of like lost interest.” — D (24:07)
• Mikayla’s earnest recitation of “Jingle Bells, Batman Smells” as a carol for Santa (A, 23:36)
• Running joke about Santa’s quirky cravings and the mythos of reindeer diets.

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3. Gift Imbalance – The Perils of Holiday Exchanges

[24:38–38:10]

• Introduction: The social hazard of “gift imbalance”—giving or receiving gifts far above or below expectations—is top of mind as the staff prepares for Secret Santa.
• Real-Life Stories: Listeners call in with their own tales of awkward exchanges.

Cast Reflections:

• Gift imbalance as a “defining moment” in relationships.

  • “If you give somebody a calendar, and they give you a car... she sees me as a car person, I see her as a calendar person. That’s really extreme, but that’s what we’re talking about here.” — D (25:22)

• Homemade gifts, thoughtful cards, and hand-drawn notes can be more meaningful than expensive presents (28:21–28:54).

Listener-Shared Imbalance Stories:

• Memorable Lopsided Gifts:

  • “I gave him a gift certificate to the Gap, and he gave me herpes.” — C, joking (26:08)
  • A boyfriend returns a borrowed CD as a “gift,” complete with scratches (A, 31:32)
  • One caller recalls buying her boyfriend a Miami Hurricanes kit, only to receive a green pepper and a rose in return (A, 29:15)
  • Another buys a sibling a $30 gift card, gets an Old Navy “fox” on clearance (A, 30:04)
  • “He got me a toolbox... It was $20 at Home Depot.” — (A, 33:09)
  • A friend receives a king-size Hershey bar after gifting several hundred dollars’ worth of presents (A, 37:12)

• Host Anecdotes:

  • Bert once gave his (fitness-obsessed) girlfriend only workout-themed presents: “Every single thing I got her had to do with working out. It was just a big sign to her, like, ‘Merry Christmas, fat ass.’” — D (35:19)
  • Gifts that are “really for the guy,” like a GPS system or technology, masquerading as presents for women (B, 36:04)
  • “It’s like the Simpsons episode, Homer gets Marge a bowling ball with his own name on it.” — C (36:23)

Cultural Dynamics Discussed:

• Men frequently “mess up” gift-giving by lowballing; women’s disappointment is often tied to thoughtful mismatches, not just price (32:54–34:09).
• The social feedback cycle—one year’s lowball gift prompts a “retaliatory” year of low effort or a compensating over-the-top return.

Practical Secret Santa Advice:

• The show’s first year doing Secret Santa—no set price limit, but focus on the person’s tastes.
  • “Just get what you think is appropriate for that person.” — D (38:17)

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Notable Quotes & Moments by Timestamp

• “Best time to call? As soon as you wake up… authentic.” – E [02:51]
• “If you talk about the gross stuff, your boss doesn’t wanna get into it…” – D [07:17]
• “Do three heavy coughs and almost cry — that’s a clincher.” – C & D [10:13–10:26]
• “No dating until you’re eight. Okay?” – Santa (C) [19:48]
• “If you give somebody a calendar, and they give you a car... that’s gift imbalance.” – D [25:22]
• “…a big sign to her, like, ‘Merry Christmas, fat ass.’” – D [35:19]
• “It’s like the Simpsons episode, Homer gets Marge a bowling ball with his own name on it.” – C [36:23]

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Episode Flow & Tone

• Tone: Upbeat, goofy, and conversational; a mix of playful teasing, real advice, and audience engagement.
• Listener Experience: Full of direct participation, real stories, and moments of empathy and solidarity mixed with outright laughter.
• Language: Relatable, a bit irreverent, often self-deprecating and sarcastic—very much the familiar, “real, funny, and authentic” Bert Show signature style.

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Conclusion

This episode is all about making the holidays a little easier—whether you need to master the art of the fake sick call, avoid social minefields in Secret Santa, or get your kids to listen with a little “Santa leverage.” Expect wit, warmth, and plenty of practical wisdom you can nod and laugh along with—even if it means leaving a peanut butter and potato chip sandwich for a very picky Santa.

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For more hilarious stories, practical advice, and a genuine peek into the cast’s lives, check back for daily episodes of The Bert Show.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Laura.

[C]

Si, Laura.

[D]

El plani limitado de bus mobile.

[A]

Cuesta solo dies dolar es almes los.

[B]

Primeros dos mes iloco paintas Gracias Laura.

[D]

De nada.

[E]

Laura.

[D]

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[B]

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[E]

Find a loving in home pet sitter.

[B]

[e-mail].

[D]

Listen, it's the bird show. So I'm reading this survey from. Is it monster.com?

[C]

Yeah, the one about how this is the most called in sick month of the year.

[D]

One in three workers has called in sick when they're not in the past year. And over the next couple of weeks, people will call in at a higher rate, call and sick at a higher rate than they did the entire year.

[C]

This is the most most people take sick days in the month of December than anywhere else. And it not doesn't always have to do with being ill.

[D]

The pro the problem with this is that when you call in sick is that you don't have any rehearsal time.

[E]

Right?

[D]

Like even the best actors in Hollywood rehearse or when they're doing a TV show, everybody sits around a table and they read over the script. They work on each other and before the cameras start to roll. So we're assuming you guys are just going to call in sick cold turkey without any kind of rehearsal time at all. We could change that for you if you guys want to call us right now. 404-741-1005. You call in sick to us, right? We will work with you. We will mold sounds, tell you how it sounds, if it's believable or not before you make the call to your boss.

[E]

Right? I've never, I've never done that. So I don't know. I don't know what advice you always.

[B]

You always practice it in your mind.

[E]

Well, for me it was be in my mind first because I think if you use your voice too much, if you're doing it first thing in the Morning. Then if you use your voice too much, you've cleared it up, and so you don't sound sick. But in my mind, that you have to wait to speak first in giving your call because you have to sound sick. And anybody who first wakes up and then when you're first talking, you do still seem groggy and a little stuffed up and everything. And that's usually to me, when I've actually spoken the words, I've got the.

[D]

Best time to call. You say as soon as you wake up.

[E]

Soon as you wake up, because it's almost number one, is the first time you realized how sick you were. So, you know, it seems authentic. Then you're using the groggly voice. It seems authentic. Yeah. If you use your voice too much in practicing, you're going to ruin it.

[D]

404, 741, 1005.

[C]

I'll feel pressure, even if I'm legitimately sick, that I don't sound sick enough. And one of the hardest was when I had to call Bert when I pulled that muscle in my back. And I didn't say I was like.

[D]

Hey.

[C]

So I'm probably gonna be a little bit late today. He's like, okay. And I'm like, so I know I don't sound sick. Like, it was like, you know, back.

[D]

Pain and how does that print, Right?

[C]

So, like, I'm lying on the floor, you know, like. But I'm like, I felt like I should be coughing or something, but it had nothing. One had nothing to do with the other.

[B]

You know, that might actually be a good excuse.

[D]

Great excuse.

[B]

You know, you don't have to sound. Because you don't have to sound sick.

[D]

But you have to sound a little bit like you're in pain, though. But, yeah, he had no. Zero pain. Like, zero.

[B]

It's just so random that somebody would buy it.

[C]

But the problem with that is with anything like that is, I mean, like, Jessica got me a doctor appointment, like, that day and everything. And if you remember, like, I had to spend the next week on a. With a heating pad or some crap like that.

[B]

So bringing a heating pad to work, that's easy.

[C]

Unless you're prepared to do that. Like, you can never forget. You know what I mean? Like, if you're gonna fake a back injury two days later, you can't be playing Frisbee in the hall, Right? You know what I mean? Like, you can't forget.

[E]

I mean, so many play Frisbee in the hall.

[D]

There are plenty of opportunities that you're going to have. Like, you're probably circling the days right now on your calendar. Like, you know, the holiday that you have a holiday party on Thursday night and you know it's going to go late and you're going to have to go into work on Friday. So you're probably already thinking, I'm going to call in sick.

[E]

Or then. I mean, there's a lot of people, I'm sure, that call in sick because they have no other times to buy gifts for people, especially their family. If the only time, you know, only time you have a chance to. Is on the weekends when you're with your family and it's already crowded at the malls. So I can see a ton of people calling because they want that Thursday off so that they can go shopping.

[D]

You got the too much detail thing going on. Also, like, if you give out too many details, you start stuttering, you bury yourself. Morning, Q100.

[A]

Hi, my name is Jennifer, and I was calling in about the tips for calling in sick.

[D]

Okay, Jennifer, now, do you already know which day over the next couple of weeks that you have planned to call in sick?

[A]

Oh, I can't call in sick. I'm in retail.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

This is our busy season.

[C]

Well, this is perfect time for you to call in sick like you need to.

[A]

Yeah, well, my uncle is my boss, so if I call him sick, I might lose my job.

[C]

He can't pull the. My aunt died. Excuse me.

[D]

News to him.

[C]

Yeah, that's kind of a challenge.

[D]

So what is your tip?

[A]

Well, if you ever want to call in sick, hold your nose. If you plug your nose up, then you sound really congested, and I find that that really helps. Especially when you had mentioned earlier calling first thing in the morning when you're still kind of groggy, and they just hold your nose.

[D]

Will you try it on us so we can hear if it really sounds authentic or not?

[A]

Oh, sure.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Good morning, man. How you doing this morning? I'm not feeling too well. My sinuses are killing me. I think I got a little bit of a fever, and I just don't know if I'm gonna make it in today.

[B]

It's not bad.

[C]

Yeah, I wasn't buying it.

[E]

Try it. Try it with one nostril.

[A]

Well, I'm driving.

[E]

Oh, okay. All right.

[D]

See, I would say your sinuses might feel a lot better if you took your fingers off your nose.

[B]

Because I just.

[E]

Yeah, I don't know.

[C]

I just think it sounds so fake.

[E]

I don't know if I ever sound like that.

[C]

Like, I don't think people legitimately Ever sound like this? If I was this plugged, I'd blow my nose.

[B]

I think it's actually a pretty good idea.

[C]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Sasha.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

This is rehearsal time for you here. Like. Like I said, like, even actors and actresses, they just don't go right on camera and start acting.

[C]

Of course not.

[D]

You need some rehearsal time.

[A]

I do. And my tip for calling in is not to do that whole, like, rehearse 50 times before you call your boss. Trying to sound sick. I just like to sound. This is going to sound gross, but every time. Well, I actually have two ways to call in. It's either, oh, I'm feeling bad. I'm having really bad menstrual cramps. Yada, yada, girl stuff. My. My boss is a guy, so he just doesn't want to hear it. He's like, okay, go to bed. Or I just say that I went to a Mexican restaurant the night before and I couldn't stop pooping.

[D]

You know what? That is actually one of the tips that I saw on one of these lists. Like, if you talk about the gross stuff, your boss doesn't want to get into it, so he'll get you off the phone as quick as possible.

[A]

Exactly. That's the truth. He's like, oh, God, you know, I don't want to hear about that.

[C]

Pretending that Melissa Carter is your boss. Cause we'll throw you a curve here. You now have a female boss. Let's hear you call in sick, Sasha.

[A]

Okay, well, if I did have a female boss, I would just use the. I was up pooping all night. Excuse me?

[C]

Well, let's hear it.

[D]

Let's hear it.

[C]

Let's hear it. Melissa's your boss, and the phone is ringing. And Melissa just answered.

[E]

And. Roll.

[A]

Hey, Melissa, I'm really sorry to be calling in today. I. I was at a restaurant last night, and I must have eaten something really bad. It was a Mexican restaurant down in. You know, down in downtown Dallas. It was one of the new ones. And I don't know what I ate. I guess it was the chicken. I was just up all night, right. Crapping my brains out. No, I'm just kidding. I wouldn't say that. But I was up all night, you know, I just. My stomach wouldn't stop rolling. And I woke up this morning hopefully hoping it was, you know, gone, and it wasn't. And I just really don't feel like coming into the office and dealing with that. And I'm really sorry.

[E]

Well, it's funny how Cindy just came in and said that she saw you last night out at Park Tavern.

[B]

Yeah, I don't.

[D]

I mean, what do you say to that?

[E]

You can't. Yeah, because it's kind of like with the back thing. You don't sound sick when you talk. You know, I would much rather somebody use the excuse of pooping, though, than the menstrual cycle. Because, I mean, you know, I think that's.

[D]

Well, it'll work with a guy. Like, if you're calling in and you're a woman, guys don't want to talk about that. You don't have any idea. So we'll get you off the phone quick.

[B]

I don't want to think about you bleeding.

[E]

A lot.

[B]

I just. I left because I actually was having problems one day and I called Dylan and I was like, dude, I'm really sorry, but I'm just having these. And I started to explain and he was like, it's cool.

[D]

Just don't come.

[B]

Just. I don't care. Don't. Just don't come.

[A]

He.

[B]

We wanted to hear nothing about nothing. Just stay home.

[C]

I don't care.

[D]

You can always use the. I got kneed in the forehead by a horse. Yeah, Jamie used a couple of weeks ago.

[B]

That one works for at least a.

[E]

Day and a half.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Hey, Sarah, you're on Q100. What's going on?

[A]

Hey, nothing much.

[D]

All right, let's practice on us. Don't go cold. I mean, actors don't do it, so why should you?

[A]

Oh, yeah, well, I'm a pro, so I'm good with that. So what I find is, of course, doing it when you first wake up. But if you, like, do three really heavy coughs and making your three throat all itchy and scratchy, and it makes it sound like you're really, really sick.

[B]

Okay, do them.

[C]

So how would this sound?

[A]

Okay, you really want me to cough?

[C]

Jen Hobby will. Jen Hobby, playing the role of your immediate supervisor.

[A]

All right, hold on. It helps when you're coughing on the phone. Oh, I'm so sorry, but I got this nasty cold and I'm running 102 fever.

[C]

Sorry.

[A]

Oh, I just don't think I can come in today. And if it make you make it sound like you're gonna cry, that helps too.

[D]

That's pretty good.

[C]

That was a really good one.

[B]

Oscar winning, my friend.

[D]

You definitely have something stuck in your throat right now, though.

[A]

I know, but I think that's good.

[B]

The Force 3 coughs and almost cry.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

So good.

[D]

Very good.

[B]

Man, That's a clincher.

[D]

That's Academy award winner right there.

[C]

Well done.

[A]

Thank you very much, guys. Have a great night.

[C]

Have a great day.

[D]

I gotta get through the morning first.

[E]

Have a crappy day, but by the time the sun goes down, you have a good time.

[C]

By the time you guys go to bed, enjoy it.

[B]

She sounds like that because she's been partying all night, smoking cigarettes.

[D]

That's why our voice is as jacked as it is.

[A]

Have a good night.

[D]

Jamie, good morning. You're on Q100.

[A]

Okay, well, I'm kind of in a pickle. My work knows that I am. My 21st birthday's on Friday. They know that I'm taking off on Friday.

[D]

Right.

[A]

I had Saturday scheduled off. But they're like, we really need you to come in. It's going to be one of the busiest days of the year, blah, blah. So I got suckered into it. But I know that I'm not going to be able to go in Saturday because I know there's a party for me that I really want to go to, but if I'm working, I can't get to it.

[D]

You can stop there. There is nothing that you can say. There is no way to call in without. I mean, even if you really were sick, I mean, let's say you just had it coming out of all sorts of hands. I mean, it was terrible. There is no way that they're not going to believe you're calling in sick and you're faking it.

[A]

I know I'm usually really good at it. I can usually come up with some real legitimate. And they're like, okay. Because I have all guy bosses and I use the whole, oh, God, my cramps are so bad. And they're like, okay, whatever, don't come in.

[E]

Well, what do you do? Are you in retail?

[A]

No, I work in a restaurant.

[E]

In a restaurant. Well, still. Because I'm also thinking of the co workers. Because if, you know, you're not coming in, adds extra work or has somebody else be, you know, to have. Be called in. It's one thing if you're sick and if it's a random day and everybody's like, oh, well, that's cool. She's sick. She can't help it. But everybody in that restaurant knows it's your birthday. Yeah, everybody knows that if they have to do extra work because you decide to call in on Saturday, that it's not going to be worth the, you know, the animosity that's going to be created.

[C]

I think you just have to be honest. You have to go to your boss and go, look, dude, it's my 21st birthday Friday night. I know my friends are planning on taking me out. I'm just going to be honest with you. I won't be here on Saturday, and I hope you can understand. I turned 21 once.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm not going to be at a waitress at Applebee's in 10 years.

[D]

Yeah, there's nothing you can do, Nothing you can do.

[E]

And I think that way at least if you call ahead, then they can go ahead and schedule somebody else and nobody's going to be called in on Saturday morning.

[A]

Yeah, I think about bribing some of the other servers and just be like, so I'll give you 20 bucks if you just work for me on Saturday.

[E]

Definitely, Absolutely.

[B]

Would you guys even buy it though? If somebody called you with that honest excuse, would you be like, okay, or would you be mad and fire him?

[C]

No, I think if somebody was truly honest and it was something like once in their lifetime, like their 21st birthday, I think I personally would cut him some slack. But if it was just like, I'd.

[E]

Be more angry at them if they waited till Saturday to call in and made my life harder to try to call, you know, other people in to help out. I'd fire him on Saturday.

[C]

If there was a huge, if there was, it was just a random huge party, then I'd have an issue. But if it's like 21st birthday, I mean, if you're, if you're are a manager of a food service establishment.

[B]

Right.

[C]

You know that you don't have a lot of career waiters and waitresses on hand. Like the people are living their own lives and making money from you while they can. So you got to be cool about it.

[D]

Hey april, you're on Q100.

[A]

Hey guys. Actually I just wanted to call on the supervisor. I'm. I'm the person that receives those calls.

[E]

Uh huh.

[A]

And I just wanted to remind them to remember their disorder because I had a girl yesterday call me and tell me that she had pink eye and she came to work today and she was fine. That right there was just the ultimate.

[C]

Well, maybe she didn't have pink eye. Maybe she had some weird disease and Dr. House was able to solve it.

[A]

You know, you really have an issue and you don't want to come in like it's your 21st birthday. You can call me and tell me that. Don't call me 30 minutes before you got to come, come to work and tell me, hey, I got pink eye all of a sudden.

[E]

Right.

[D]

Well, modern medicine that clear that conjunctivitis.

[E]

Up in 24 hours, just like Jeff said. Like, yeah, if you have a back ache, then you're gonna have to take the pad in with you the next day. Know your illness and use the props.

[C]

Especially if you work with somebody like Burton. And you go, so you went to the doctor for your back, huh? Can you use all those pills?

[D]

Listen, it's the Burt show.

[C]

Knock knock.

[D]

Ooh, who's there?

[E]

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[D]

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[B]

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[E]

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[B]

And set up your phone at home or work.

[D]

Okay. It's just that when people say knock.

[C]

Knock, there's usually a joke to go with it.

[B]

Like I said, this isn't a joke.

[D]

So the knock knock was just you knocking?

[E]

Yeah, that's how doors work.

[D]

Get the new iPhone 17 Pro delivered and set up by an expert wherever you are. Delivery available for select devices [e-mail] terms apply.

[E]

Hi, this is Kim and Pen Holderness from Laughlines, and today we want to talk to you about Boost Mobile.

[C]

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[E]

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[D]

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[A]

So that means half day.

[D]

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135 gigabytes of networks busy.

[E]

Taxes and fees extra. See mint mobile.com.

[D]

Santa scared straight. We've told you guys before, this is the season of leverage for Santa. So we have asked you guys to go ahead, send us an email, tell us about your child that hasn't been too nice the last couple of weeks, and we'll try to do something about it. Santa can call your house.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

The hotline goes right up to the north pole from Q100. So when people send us emails, we forward those right along. And then he's able to look at your kid's name, decide naughty list or nice list. And if it looks like maybe somebody's on the fence and could go either way, Santa will push him in the right direction, which is what he did to Mikayla the other night.

[D]

How old is Mikayla?

[C]

Mikayla is six and a half. And she has a little bit of a problem with talking back. She's actually flirting with a boy in class, and that's creating some tension with mom because, you know, you're not supposed to be flirting that young. And she is not doing a real good job. She has the same problem that my wife Jessica has, interestingly enough. She has a problem getting ready quickly.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

So sometimes she has to be asked over and over and over again to get ready to leave the house. So Santa Claus wanted to call her up and say, it's probably much more likely for you to get gifts and to be on the nice list if you take care of these small problems.

[D]

So this is Michaela, six and a half years old.

[A]

Hello. Ho ho, ho.

[C]

Mikayla Adams, how are you? Calling you live and loud from the North Pole. It's Santa.

[D]

Santa is really enthusiastic this year.

[C]

It disappears pretty quickly.

[D]

Oh, I was really impressed. Like in past years, it almost. It almost seemed like Santa was put out by this particular assignment. But he is really enthusiastic this year.

[C]

You're embarrassing yourself. Just keep listening.

[E]

Well, that's the first ho ho ho we've know.

[C]

Just keep listening.

[D]

All right, all right.

[C]

List. You're on the naughty list. You already know that How? Why are you on the naughty list?

[A]

Cuz of my whining.

[C]

Nobody likes a whiner. You know that, don't you? I'll bet your mom has told you that and you just don't believe her. So what do you think about trying as hard, hard as you can to stop whining?

[A]

I'll try.

[C]

You'll try? How hard will you try? All right, we got a couple other things to go over, but first, I would like to know what Mikayla wants for Christmas this year.

[A]

A littlest pet shop friend.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, I have some other things, but I have a lot more.

[C]

Oh, you have a lot more have you written a letter yet?

[A]

Uh huh.

[C]

Okay. And you've already sent it?

[A]

Uh huh.

[C]

Okay. So I'll look for your letter.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Okay. Let's talk about something else that I've heard. Who is Leighton?

[A]

This guy in my class.

[C]

This guy in your class. And how do you know him?

[A]

I met him on the first day of school.

[C]

Is he your boyfriend?

[B]

No.

[C]

Do you want him to be your boyfriend? No. All right. Because you're only six and a half. There's no dating until you're eight. Okay.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

All right. Boys are creepy. Trust me. Stay away from boys.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

All right. And how you. How you've been doing with the talking back? I'll bet that some of the grown ups around you have said that you might talk back a little bit too much.

[A]

Yeah?

[C]

Yeah. Maybe you can try. Just like you're gonna try to stop the whining, maybe you can try to stop the talking back.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

All right. What else do you want for Christmas? Do you have another. Another thought?

[A]

Another vaccine? Magic brat.

[C]

Okay, all right. I got it. Now let me ask you a question. Cause Mrs. Claus has this problem and it drives me crazy. Whenever we're getting ready to go somewhere, she takes forever. And everybody's always waiting on Mrs. Claus. As you can imagine, it's quite annoying. How do you get ready for things? Do you get ready fast or do you get ready slow?

[A]

A little bit slow.

[E]

Slow.

[C]

And how many times do people have to ask you to get ready or to do something?

[E]

A lot.

[C]

A lot. That's not cool, is it? No. Do you like it when you have to ask somebody a lot of times to do something? No, no. When somebody asks you to do something, like if somebody says, hey, get your coat. We gotta go, maybe you can just set down what you're doing and you put your coat on and you say, okay, I'm ready, Mom. Can you promise me that you'll try that?

[B]

Mm.

[C]

Okay. Good. Especially when you're getting ready for school in the morning.

[A]

Mm.

[C]

What do you want me to bring your mom for Christmas?

[A]

A lot of jewelry.

[C]

Jewelry, huh?

[A]

Mm.

[C]

You're getting trained well. Okay. I think that's about it. You're gonna leave some cookies and milk out for me?

[A]

Uh huh.

[C]

All right. Will you do me a favor, though?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Cause you know, I visit a lot of houses. How many houses do you think I'm gonna visit?

[A]

A lot.

[C]

How many you think I'm gonna visit? 100?

[A]

More than 100?

[C]

200?

[A]

No.

[C]

How many do you think I'll visit?

[A]

A thousand.

[C]

A thousand? Well, Guess what? All of those houses, every one of those houses is gonna leave me cookies and milk. Okay? Uh huh. I want you to leave me a peanut butter and potato chip sandwich and a glass of pink lemonade.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

All right. You tell your mom that's very important.

[D]

What? Somebody quest their lemonade and what?

[C]

Don't try to understand Santa Claus.

[B]

Santa has cravings that vary from milk and cookies.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

I guess trying to mix it up a little bit.

[C]

This year he's PMSing peanut butter, potato chips and pink lemonade.

[A]

Can Rudolph have any carrots?

[C]

Rudolph? Yes, Rudolph likes carrots and also asparagus.

[A]

But I thought you said. You said Rudolph can have me. Kids give him bad gas.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay, so Rudolph would like. Who told you that? Your mom on the wedding game. Yeah. Okay, well then in that case, Rudolph would like some reindeer food. Yes, very good reindeer food. Or if you don't have reindeer food, one slice of pizza.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

All right. All right. Mikayla, it's been such a pleasure talking to you. You sound like a great kid.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

You're welcome. Stay warm down there in Atlanta. It's freezing up here in the North Pole. Do you know any Christmas carols?

[A]

Jingle Bell, Batman, Snails, Robin, Wait. An egg. Batmobile and Joker play ballet.

[C]

All right, well, thank you, Michaela. You've definitely got the Christmas spirit. All right, stay away from the back end of Rudolph. I will talk to you later.

[A]

Bye Bye.

[D]

Santa started off really enthusiastic. Very enthusiastic. And just kind of felt like he. Not midway there. He just kind of like lost interest.

[E]

Well, I got the munchies.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I think he got hungry.

[E]

Yeah. Was it. What sandwich did he want? Potato chip.

[C]

Peanut butter and potato chip. And a glass of pink lemonade. And Rudolph would like asparagus and pizza.

[D]

I realized while we play these back and I have a four year old, I have absolutely no capacity to understand any other child except my own.

[B]

It's only the parent translator of your direct child, not of all children.

[D]

Yes. Because I have no idea really what she said except the gas part and the asparagus. Other than that, I'm totally out.

[C]

This is the bird show.

[D]

Let me ask you guys a question, because it dawned on me the other day when we were talking to Melody and in talking to Jamie Massey the last couple of days, also the biggest fear with Melody that we had, and she was the one that found the presence in her boyfriend's apartment.

[E]

Right.

[D]

And there were two different sets. Well, the reason why she initially started snooping around was that they had agreed to only get like a couple of presents each for each other. Right.

[E]

Three gifts. But the concern she had because she was kind of broke is they didn't put a financial limit on it. So she was trying to figure out how much money he spent to know how much money she should spend.

[D]

Here is a big fear when you're buying presents for other people, and I call it gift imbalance. Like, when you.

[C]

I thought the biggest fear was drawing Leonard.

[D]

That's the second biggest fear. The first is gift and balance. Like, if you give somebody, like, because it's really defining your relationship. So, like, let's say I give Jen Hobby a calendar, and she gives me a car. That is gift imbalance, for sure. She sees our relationship differently than I do. I see her as a calendar person. She sees me as a car person. I mean, that's really, really extreme, but that's what we're talking about here. So I would love to take calls from you. If you had the. Like, the worst case of. Of gift imbalance, where you came to the table with this, they came to the table with that, and you were either really disappointed or really just uncomfortable. Just totally uncomfortable.

[C]

I gave him a gift certificate to the Gap, and he gave me herpes imbalance, for sure.

[D]

Definite imbalance. Massie, going through the same questions right now.

[B]

Yeah. New to the bird show holiday season, obviously. I mean, I was here last year, but I was just on in the afternoon. So we did the little gift exchange, name drawing, and obviously I got a member of the bird show. And I was just asking Bert. I'm like, how crazy do you guys go with your gift purchases? Because I don't want to spend. Like, I don't want to be. I don't want to be that guy, you know, that guy who either goes crazy and spends, like, a couple hundred bucks on a nice gift for one of you, and then I get, you know, like you said, like, a calendar and maybe a matching set of cards. I don't know.

[E]

This is the first year we've done Secret Santa, so that's a great question to pose, because I'm sure we all would like to know that.

[B]

Are y' all stressing about this, too, at least the women? I'm not stress. I'm not stressing about it because of who I picked, and I know what I want to get. I think had I maybe drawn somebody else, I would have been a little bit more, you know, nervous about it. But Melissa's right. It's the first time that we've done the Secret Santa with each other, so we've Always in the past bought everyone a gift, which obviously limits the budget because you're buying more and now we're buying one. I will probably spend more this year on one person than I did in the past, but I haven't put, like a money limit on it. I've just been thinking about what it is that I want. I haven't bought it yet.

[D]

There is that stress, you know. 404-741-1005. You come to the table even if, like. See, here's the thing that if you have chosen a present, though, that you feel is totally suitable and I mean totally perfect for this person's personality. Like, I think Melissa is really great at picking out gifts and cards and stuff for other people.

[E]

Well, I think. Yeah, I think.

[D]

But that doesn't mean it has to be expensive, right?

[E]

I think for me, when I do gift giving, because I usually try to give myself some time to do it because I'm not. You will never see me on Christmas Eve in a mall, you know, or whatever. So I'm the annoying person that starts buying gifts ahead of time. But yeah, I think that, yeah, I don't think about money if I find a good gift because I think even if it's a small gift, but that person's gonna love it, then they're not going to be thinking about, oh, well, they just only spent, you know, well.

[C]

In years gone by.

[D]

Hey, Sarah, hold on one sec.

[C]

Like, Melissa would hand make her own Christmas cards, you know, in the past. So, like that. I mean, that's thoughtful. Like taking the time to put it, you know, like, like hand draw them, like artistic or whatever. So I think Melissa gets more into the. What's it called, like, the thoughtfulness.

[B]

Melissa. I do construction paper and then layer.

[E]

Or origami is always good, too.

[C]

Yeah, Melissa used to do, like, cartoons and everything.

[D]

Not doing it this year, though.

[E]

Well, some. Some people are going to get some of the. So some people will receive the cards that you already have received. But yeah, not this year. I didn't. I didn't have time this year. So much going on.

[C]

So. Melissa was thoughtful up until 06.

[E]

06 was the year of selfishness.

[D]

Sarah, gift imbalance. When did it bite you in the butt?

[A]

Well, good morning, Burcho.

[D]

Good morning.

[A]

This happened when I was in high school and it was my very first boyfriend and he was a big Miami Hurricane fan. So for his birthday, I bought him, you know, a jersey and some pants to go with it and everything. We were still dating at my 16th birthday. And for my Birthday. He got me a green pepper from his mother's garden and a rose. Come on.

[C]

Come on. That's so awesome. A green pepper. So did you feel humiliated that he got you something so nice?

[D]

I think we're gonna find examples where it's the guy that came in low and the woman came in high. Good morning, Q100.

[A]

Hey, how are you?

[D]

Good, thank you.

[A]

One year, I got my brother and his ex both $30 gift cards to Abercrombie, and they got me a fox from Old Navy off the clearance rack.

[D]

Oh, man. Big time gift imbalance right there.

[A]

Yeah, I felt kind of gyps. So I have. I have been kind of skimping for the rest of the years on everybody after that.

[D]

See, this is how the whole game works, too. Because if you come in with the low present this year, here's how the whole psychological game works. The person that receives it realizes now that you're going to come in low, so they come in low next year. And what you do to make up for your lame present the year before is you go over the top. So now the imbalance continues into the next year.

[C]

We did. I think. Actually, I think I did that with you for, like.

[D]

I know I've done it with you.

[C]

I did that, like, the first year that Bert and I worked together. One of us got the other, like, something really nice. And then we did the token thing, and then, like, the year two. And I remember almost thinking, like, okay, we just got to talk about it.

[D]

Like, we just got to say, okay, balance it out.

[C]

Right? Thanks. Thanks for the candle. But look, thanks for the candle. Try not to run me over with the Range Rover that I got you.

[D]

Good morning, Juliana. You're our Q100. Hi.

[A]

Okay, so one year I was dating this guy, and I was the one who stayed up all night on Thanksgiving and was in the line, like, 3:30 in the morning the next morning to wait out in the cold and get him all this really cool electronic gadget stuff. And then on Christmas, the only thing that he got me was a CD of mine that he had borrowed and gave back to me.

[D]

He re gifted your own CDs?

[A]

Like, I wasn't gonna know that. This is my CD that you borrowed. Like, a couple months ago, he totally forgot.

[C]

And it was like, open. The cellophane was all ripped off, you.

[A]

Know, like, all scratched up.

[C]

And track number two never starts because there's a little scratch right there.

[E]

Because I. I mean, like, Katie. This is Katie and my first Christmas together, and we've had the Conversation several times just to check in. Because we put a price limit on it. And then not only is the price limit, but it's like, okay, now have you spent that whole price limit on one thing, or did you do the price limit on several things? Just a heads up, like. So we're doing that because I think we're both worried about this very thing. Cause this is the first year, so this is like setting a precedent.

[C]

You know, I'm gonna take a little of this public radio time to talk directly to Katie Jones. Just a little heads up. Know Melissa for five and a half years. If she put a price limit on it, just know it won't be a nickel. More like, don't think, don't think. Like, if your price limit was $200, don't think, well, I can spend 250, because I'm sure she's gonna go over. You're getting $1.95, just so you know, $9.99. And guess what? If the regular price was 200 bucks and she got it on sale for 149, she's done. It's regular price with her. She'll pocket the other 51 bucks.

[D]

The gift imbalance here, the theory now on gift imbalancing, and this is a consistent that it's the guy that screws it up. He always comes in low. Woman always comes in high. Hey, Sheila. Good Morning. You're on Q100.

[A]

Good morning.

[D]

Morning.

[A]

Last year, my boyfriend of four years got. I got him a massage table because he's always having back problems and stuff. And it was, like, decked out with all these different massage features and stuff. Cost a couple hundred bucks. He got me a toolbox.

[D]

Really a toolbox.

[A]

He said I didn't have enough tools around the house. So he got me this $20, like, girl toolbox that had, you know, all these little pink, like, hammer and stuff in it. But it was 20 bucks at home Depot.

[B]

I have that.

[D]

See here, here's like, where you know how, like, women's minds are working all the time. Like, I love your analogy about the watch. The face of a watch.

[E]

Yeah. I say that woman's mind is like a watch where, you know, on the surface, all you see is, you know, the minute hand and the hour hand. You think it's so simplistic, but you take the face off and all those gears are constantly turning and turning. And that's what a woman's mind's like.

[D]

Like, I know that some women will look at the presence they get as a Personal definition of how well their husbands or boyfriends know them. So if you come in with a toolbox and you've never picked up a wrench before in your life, that is so offensive.

[E]

Right? I want you to share, too, what you got Stacy that year that you. The exercise stuff.

[D]

Okay. When Stacy and I first started dating, she was. I mean, she went through this period where she was working out. Like, stupid, hardcore. Like, she was doing these boot camps where she was getting up at 6am she was hitting the gym big time. I mean, months of her life were just, like, all of a sudden, she was obsessed with working out. So I'm watching that whole thing go down and, you know, I know the theory. You just. You watch, take in the cues, and then you turn them around into something thoughtful. So for Christmas, because she was working out so much, I went and I bought her everything that had to do with exercising. And I could see with each and every present she opened, she was getting more and more bummed till she was almost at tears. Like, I got her videos of, like, calves of steel, butt of steel, neck of steel, elbows. So it was like 12 tapes of steel. Then there was a calorie counter, then there was a scale, then there was workout equipment. Every single thing I got her had to do with working out. It was just a big sign to her, was like, merry Christmas, fat ass.

[C]

Save that. I would like that to be my holiday ringtone so that when people call me during this festival of season, it's first voice going, merry Christmas, fat ass.

[B]

I was gonna say that my dating antichrist 2 years ago got me for Christmas. And I opened this up, like, in front of my brothers and my mom, a crock pot and a skillet. And it's like, what are you trying to tell me? Like, why would you cook? Well, not really. I mean, I guess it was like trying to start cooking winch. Well, I love the gifts that guys will get for their girlfriends, but it's really for. Have you ever heard of this? Like, lingerie? No, no, no, that's for the woman.

[E]

But, no.

[D]

No, it's not.

[B]

My best friend's husband got her a GPS system for her car. Like, she didn't want the gps. He wanted it. And you know what? Now one year later, it's in his car.

[D]

That's funny.

[B]

And that was, like, her big gift. It's like the Simpson episode where Homer goes shopping for Marge and he gets her a bowling ball with Homer on it.

[C]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

It's like they try to pass up, but now in their House.

[C]

Just a joke.

[B]

Oh, you mean the GPS you got for yourself? For me?

[C]

Yeah. I hope Jessica really likes the flat screen.

[B]

Yeah, all that technology stuff. You're not buying it for us?

[D]

Hey, Brooks. Gift imbalance.

[A]

All right. This happened to my buddy and it was actually the girl who screwed up.

[D]

She was real into the game DDR.

[A]

He bought her a PS2. The game DDR. The like gamepads that go DDR. And the memory card. So he threw down like 2 or 300 bucks and she got him a plate of brownies.

[B]

Yeah, but did he really buy that for her or was that really for him?

[D]

No, he bought it for her.

[A]

He really did.

[B]

Well, were they pot brownies?

[D]

Change everything expensive. Julie, last call here. Gift imbalance.

[A]

Gift imbalance was a couple of years ago, a very, very close childhood friend of my son's who, you know, they're grown now, but I bought him dollar for dollar, just about what I bought for my son. So we're talking, you know, probably four or so hundred dollars. And he wrapped up and gave me a king size Hershey bar. It was just horrible. And I really felt bad because it was at that point I really started to question, like, how did he feel about me? You know, the kids always called me mom. I did everything for him. And I was like, does he just not care about me? It was really sad, but he was so proud of himself. The king size Hershey bar.

[C]

Yeah, at least it was the king size one. Complaining about it wasn't like your standard issue checkout aisle. He had to go deep into the grocery. He had to go back into the grocery store.

[A]

Well, it's probably 10 for 10, so thank you.

[D]

Yeah. And then that. That mind game goes on and on and on in the next year too. You got to get it right.

[B]

So did we define what about the bird show?

[C]

What?

[E]

I should answer Jamie's question. Yeah, we haven't. Did we didn't do a price limit.

[D]

Just get what you think is appropriate for that person.

[C]

This is the Birch show.

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[D]

Acast powers.

[C]

The world's best podcasts Here's a show that we recommend. Howdy, howdy ho, and welcome to Fantasy Fan Fellas.

[D]

I'm Hayden, producer of the Fantasy Fangirls.

[C]

Podcast and your resident lover of all things Sanderson.

[D]

And I'm Stephen, your bookish Internet goofball. But you can call me the Smash Daddy.

[C]

And we are currently deep diving Brandon Sanderson's fantasy epic Mistborn. But here's the catch. Stephen here has not read Mistborn before.

[D]

That's right.

[C]

Hey hey.

[D]

So each week you'll get my unfiltered raw reactions to every single chapter.

[C]

And along the way, we'll do character deep dives, magic explainers. Steven will even try to guess what's next. Spoiler alert. He'll be wrong.

[D]

Newsflash. I'm never wrong. Episodes come out every Wednesday, and you can find Fantasy Fan Fellas wherever you get your podcasts.

[C]

Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

[D]

Acast.com.