Transcript

A (0:01)

Unregalo de bus mobile Para ti, para mi.

B (0:04)

Laura.

C (0:04)

Si, Laura.

D (0:05)

El plani limitado de bus mobile.

A (0:07)

Cuesta solo dies dolar es almes los.

B (0:09)

Primeros dos mes iloco paintas Gracias Laura.

D (0:17)

De nada.

E (0:18)

Laura.

D (0:19)

Ye galas fiestas y el mejor regalo esparati offerta valid and boost mobile Punto com dies tonres almes los primeros dos mes bintico.

B (0:31)

We all love our pets, but we love to travel too. And sadly, they can't always come along for the ride. Don't stress. Trusted House sitters connects you with verified sitters who will stay in your home and care for your pets, all in exchange for a place to stay on their travels. So while you're off exploring, your pets get to stay safe and happy at home, right where they belong.

E (0:55)

Find a loving in home pet sitter.

B (0:57)

Today@Trustedhousesitters.Com.

D (1:02)

Listen, it's the bird show. So I'm reading this survey from. Is it monster.com?

C (1:08)

Yeah, the one about how this is the most called in sick month of the year.

D (1:12)

One in three workers has called in sick when they're not in the past year. And over the next couple of weeks, people will call in at a higher rate, call and sick at a higher rate than they did the entire year.

C (1:24)

This is the most most people take sick days in the month of December than anywhere else. And it not doesn't always have to do with being ill.

D (1:33)

The pro the problem with this is that when you call in sick is that you don't have any rehearsal time.

E (1:40)

Right?

D (1:41)

Like even the best actors in Hollywood rehearse or when they're doing a TV show, everybody sits around a table and they read over the script. They work on each other and before the cameras start to roll. So we're assuming you guys are just going to call in sick cold turkey without any kind of rehearsal time at all. We could change that for you if you guys want to call us right now. 404-741-1005. You call in sick to us, right? We will work with you. We will mold sounds, tell you how it sounds, if it's believable or not before you make the call to your boss.

The Bert Show – Full Show PT 3: Wednesday, November 26 [Vault]

Date: November 26, 2025
Podcast: The Bert Show (Pionaire Podcasting)

Main Theme:

This episode of The Bert Show delivers a fun, lighthearted mix of practical advice, relatable holiday dilemmas, and hilarious behind-the-scenes banter. The main topics include creative strategies for calling in sick from work during the holidays, the social hazards of "gift imbalance" in personal and professional gift-giving, and a delightful "Santa Scared Straight" call aimed at helping kids adjust holiday behavior. Expect a blend of humor, genuine listener stories, and comedic riffing from the entire Bert Show cast.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Calling in Sick – Tips, Stories, and Rehearsals

[01:02–14:30]

Context: December is the peak month for calling in sick, as surveyed by Monster.com, but not everyone is actually ill.
Hosts reflect: Many people struggle to sound convincingly sick, even when they are.
Listener Participation: Callers share their “calling in sick” strategies, and the cast critiques their believability.

Key Advice and Tips:

Call First Thing in the Morning:
“Best time to call? As soon as you wake up, ‘cause it seems authentic. If you use your voice too much in practicing, you’re gonna ruin it.” — (E, 02:51)
Less Detail is Better:
“If you give out too many details, you start stuttering, you bury yourself.” — (D, 04:52)
Props and Tricks:
- Holding your nose: Makes you sound more congested. “If you plug your nose up, then you sound really congested... especially when you call first thing in the morning.” — Jennifer (A, 05:34)
- Fake Coughs + Teary Voice: “Do three heavy coughs and almost cry — that’s a clincher. Very good.” — (C & D, 10:13, 10:22, 10:26)

Notable Quotes:

On Gross Excuses:
“If you talk about the gross stuff, your boss doesn’t wanna get into it, so he’ll get you off the phone as quick as possible.” — D (07:17)
- Menstrual cramps and stomach troubles remain tried-and-true (if cringey) sick day excuses.
On Forgetting to Stay in Character:
“If you’re gonna fake a back injury, two days later, you can’t be playing Frisbee in the hall, right? You can never forget!” — (C, 04:08)

Memorable Moments:

Live call-in rehearsals, with hosts role-playing bosses and critiquing performances.
Comic escalation of sick-day lies — from “my aunt died” to “kneed by a horse” (D & B, 09:11).

2. Santa Scared Straight – Santa Calls a Listener’s Child

[16:31–24:36]

Segment Setup: The Bert Show leverages “Santa season” by having Santa call children reported by parents for minor bad behavior, to nudge them back onto the nice list.
Focus Kid: Mikayla, 6½, who struggles with whining, talking back, flirting with a boy at school, and getting ready in the morning.

Call Highlights:

Behavioral Lessons:
Santa gently encourages Mikayla to reduce whining and talking back:
- “Nobody likes a whiner, you know that, don’t you?” — Santa (C, 18:29)
- “Maybe you can try, just like you’re gonna try to stop the whining, maybe you can try to stop the talking back.” — Santa (C, 20:06)
Charming and Surreal Requests:
- Santa asks for a peanut butter and potato chip sandwich with pink lemonade (C, 22:21).
- Advises Mikayla to avoid boyfriends until she's eight: “No dating until you’re eight. Okay?” (C, 19:48)
- Makes whimsical requests for Rudolph: “Rudolph likes carrots and also asparagus... or if you don’t have reindeer food, one slice of pizza.” (C, 22:43)

Notable Quotes & Moments:

“Santa started off really enthusiastic. Very enthusiastic. And just kind of... by midway there, he just kind of like lost interest.” — D (24:07)
Mikayla’s earnest recitation of “Jingle Bells, Batman Smells” as a carol for Santa (A, 23:36)
Running joke about Santa’s quirky cravings and the mythos of reindeer diets.

3. Gift Imbalance – The Perils of Holiday Exchanges

[24:38–38:10]

Introduction: The social hazard of “gift imbalance”—giving or receiving gifts far above or below expectations—is top of mind as the staff prepares for Secret Santa.
Real-Life Stories: Listeners call in with their own tales of awkward exchanges.

Cast Reflections:

Gift imbalance as a “defining moment” in relationships.
- “If you give somebody a calendar, and they give you a car... she sees me as a car person, I see her as a calendar person. That’s really extreme, but that’s what we’re talking about here.” — D (25:22)
Homemade gifts, thoughtful cards, and hand-drawn notes can be more meaningful than expensive presents (28:21–28:54).

Listener-Shared Imbalance Stories:

Memorable Lopsided Gifts:
- “I gave him a gift certificate to the Gap, and he gave me herpes.” — C, joking (26:08)
- A boyfriend returns a borrowed CD as a “gift,” complete with scratches (A, 31:32)
- One caller recalls buying her boyfriend a Miami Hurricanes kit, only to receive a green pepper and a rose in return (A, 29:15)
- Another buys a sibling a $30 gift card, gets an Old Navy “fox” on clearance (A, 30:04)
- “He got me a toolbox... It was $20 at Home Depot.” — (A, 33:09)
- A friend receives a king-size Hershey bar after gifting several hundred dollars’ worth of presents (A, 37:12)
Host Anecdotes:
- Bert once gave his (fitness-obsessed) girlfriend only workout-themed presents: “Every single thing I got her had to do with working out. It was just a big sign to her, like, ‘Merry Christmas, fat ass.’” — D (35:19)
- Gifts that are “really for the guy,” like a GPS system or technology, masquerading as presents for women (B, 36:04)
- “It’s like the Simpsons episode, Homer gets Marge a bowling ball with his own name on it.” — C (36:23)

Cultural Dynamics Discussed:

Men frequently “mess up” gift-giving by lowballing; women’s disappointment is often tied to thoughtful mismatches, not just price (32:54–34:09).
The social feedback cycle—one year’s lowball gift prompts a “retaliatory” year of low effort or a compensating over-the-top return.

Practical Secret Santa Advice:

The show’s first year doing Secret Santa—no set price limit, but focus on the person’s tastes.
- “Just get what you think is appropriate for that person.” — D (38:17)

Notable Quotes & Moments by Timestamp

“Best time to call? As soon as you wake up… authentic.” – E [02:51]
“If you talk about the gross stuff, your boss doesn’t wanna get into it…” – D [07:17]
“Do three heavy coughs and almost cry — that’s a clincher.” – C & D [10:13–10:26]
“No dating until you’re eight. Okay?” – Santa (C) [19:48]
“If you give somebody a calendar, and they give you a car... that’s gift imbalance.” – D [25:22]
“…a big sign to her, like, ‘Merry Christmas, fat ass.’” – D [35:19]
“It’s like the Simpsons episode, Homer gets Marge a bowling ball with his own name on it.” – C [36:23]

Episode Flow & Tone

Tone: Upbeat, goofy, and conversational; a mix of playful teasing, real advice, and audience engagement.
Listener Experience: Full of direct participation, real stories, and moments of empathy and solidarity mixed with outright laughter.
Language: Relatable, a bit irreverent, often self-deprecating and sarcastic—very much the familiar, “real, funny, and authentic” Bert Show signature style.

Conclusion

This episode is all about making the holidays a little easier—whether you need to master the art of the fake sick call, avoid social minefields in Secret Santa, or get your kids to listen with a little “Santa leverage.” Expect wit, warmth, and plenty of practical wisdom you can nod and laugh along with—even if it means leaving a peanut butter and potato chip sandwich for a very picky Santa.

For more hilarious stories, practical advice, and a genuine peek into the cast’s lives, check back for daily episodes of The Bert Show.

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Full Show PT 3: Wednesday, November 26 [Vault]