Vault: Are Moms Willing To Admit They Have Ugly Kids?

Summary

Episode Overview

Main Theme:
This episode of The Bert Show dives humorously and honestly into the provocative question: “Are Moms Willing To Admit They Have Ugly Kids?” Sparked by the launch of their “Baby Idol” competition and a listener’s email about her children’s looks, the hosts, co-hosts, and several callers explore parental bias, standards of cuteness, and the capacity for parental honesty—often with self-deprecating wit and relatable anecdotes.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Origin of "Baby Idol":

• The show began discussing whether parents can objectively judge their children’s looks, following a listener’s request for honest feedback about her kids’ modeling potential.
• Listeners voted on children’s photos, but many couldn’t help but declare, “My kids are cuter!”—prompting the team to launch the “Baby Idol” competition, modeled after American Idol, for Atlanta’s “cutest kid.”
  [01:32 – 04:42]

2. Parental Bias: Why All Kids Seem Cute (to Their Parents)

• Hosts joke about unconditional love making every parent blind to their child’s flaws, often equating beauty with familial resemblance.
  [04:01 – 05:40]
• Co-host Abraham notes:

  “I understand the fact that as a parent in your eyes, your baby is beautiful. But you gotta look at your kids sometime and go—see, that’s called unconditional love, Bert.” [05:40]

3. Can a Mom Really Admit Her Kid Is Ugly?

• Hosts challenge listeners to call in and say the words, “My child is ugly,” debating whether mothers are even capable of this kind of honesty.
• The team theorizes that mothers in particular are hardwired not to criticize their offspring’s looks, for fear of betraying their child or tapping into taboo territory.
  [05:57 – 06:50]

4. Caller Stories: Real Honesty, Reluctance, and Laughter

• Tammy’s Story:

  • Tammy admits her fourth newborn was “scary … like a lizard,” referencing the show Alien Nation and conjuring family reactions of shock.

    “Their smiles just fell off their face. … I was like, oh, my God, what is that?” [07:54 – 08:17]

  • Yet, even Tammy hedges, saying, “She’s not that ugly.” [08:40]

• Another Mom:

  • One mom outright says, “I have said many times that my son was ugly. … He looked like an alien,” but only refers to his baby stage—now, at 18, he's “not” ugly. [10:21 – 10:49]
  • Co-hosts insist, “It has to be a current ugly situation!” [10:36]

• Natalie’s Honesty:

  • Natalie calls in and, after hesitation, says:

    “My child is ugly. She’s not that best looking.” [14:20]

    • She continues, “She looks nothing like me. She looks nothing like her father … What happened to her?” [14:51]
    • When asked if her motivation for a second child is to have a better-looking one, she admits, “Yes.” [15:46]

• Reluctance Widespread:

  • Most callers hedge—describing odd features or “phases” but rarely declaring ugliness out loud.
  • Hosts joke that only aunts or grandparents feel empowered to call kids ugly; parents, especially moms, struggle, even when it’s obvious.

    “If your mama can’t say you’re pretty, nobody can.” [08:57] “Ants [aunts] are there to make sure that you know that your kid's kind of ugly.” [09:00]

5. Gender Differences and Honesty

• The hosts discuss whether moms would sooner admit their child is ugly or “stupid,” suggesting “stupid” might be easier to confess.

  “I wonder, would a mother say, my child is ugly or my child is stupid? Which would come out of her mouth first?” [13:31]

6. Darkly Funny Theories & Social Commentary

• The crew draws playful conclusions about how parents “hide” their homely children—with hats, hoods, papooses, or keeping them indoors.
• Long-running jokes about “lizard babies,” “alien heads,” and hiding behind “gefilte fish stuff” keep the tone light, even as they hit on real insecurities and social behaviors.
  [06:23 – 07:50; 11:35 – 12:09]

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• Co-host Abraham on Parental Bias:
  “You gotta look at your kids sometimes and go—see, that's called unconditional love, Bert.” [05:40]

• Tammy’s Newborn Description:
  “Their smiles just fell off their face. … I was like, oh, my God, what is that?” [08:09]
  “She’s not … I mean, she’s not gorgeous now, but she doesn’t look like a lizard anymore.” [08:34]

• Hosts on Baby Coverings:
  “If the baby’s in the front where the parent can see the baby and the baby is facing out, then … it’s a cute baby. But if the baby’s in the back, like upside down, kind of just half strapped in there …” [07:21 – 07:39]

• Natalie’s Reluctant Admission:
  “My child is ugly. She’s not that best looking.” [14:20]
  “She looks nothing like me. She looks nothing like her father. … I ask myself sometimes, what happened to her?” [14:51]
  “Is your motivation for having a second child to have a better looking child than your daughter?”
  “Yes.” [15:39 – 15:46]

• Co-hosts on Family Brutality:
  “If your mama can’t say you’re pretty, nobody can.” [08:57]
  “That’s what aunts are for. Aunts are there to make sure that you know that your kid's kind of ugly.” [09:00]

• Hosts on Sharing Newborn Photos:
  “I never want to see the picture of the newborn still damp in the towel.” [11:37]
  “Baby still has all that, like, jelly or gefilte fish stuff…” [11:47]

---

Important Segment Timestamps

• Intro and setup of Baby Idol: [01:32 – 04:42]
• Parental bias discussion: [04:01, 05:40]
• Posing the question: Can moms admit ugliness?: [05:57 – 06:50]
• Lighthearted speculation about “hiding" ugly babies: [06:23 – 07:50]
• Caller Tammy's honest “lizard baby” story: [07:54 – 08:45]
• Family and societal observations: [08:50 – 09:05]
• Second caller admits past ugly baby, now attractive adult: [10:21 – 10:49]
• Gross-out description of newborn photos: [11:35 – 12:09]
• The grandma who told everyone they were ugly: [12:16 – 12:45]
• Natalie’s reluctant but honest confession: [14:00 – 15:46]

---

Tone & Style

• Humorous, irreverent, and self-aware: At times dark, but consistently keeps a light-hearted, confessional morning show vibe.
• Authentic, with moments of genuine vulnerability from callers and hosts alike.
• Frequent playful teasing and banter among cast and with audience.

---

Episode Takeaways

• Most parents (especially moms) can’t or won’t outright say their child is ugly—parental love seems to override harsh honesty about looks.
• Parental bias and social politeness lead most people to sugarcoat, find excuses, or focus on redeeming features, at least in public.
• Where honesty emerges, it’s often accompanied by affection and humor, demonstrating the deep complexity (and sometimes hilarity) of parenting.
• The show’s format effectively mixes sincere calls with humorous, relatable banter, making for an engaging listen on a somewhat taboo topic.

---

For new listeners: This episode is a great example of The Bert Show’s mix of unfiltered real talk, interactive audience participation, and comedic spin—reminding everyone that sometimes, humor is the best way to deal with life’s awkward realities.

Transcript

[Raj]

Hey, it's Raj and Noah, and we're back with a new season of Am I Doing It Wrong? The show that explores the all too human anxieties we have about trying to get our lives right.

[Noah]

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[Raj]

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[Noah]

We'Ll be talking to experts in their fields who are definitely doing things right so the rest of us can be a bit wiser and a lot better equipped to handle whatever life throws at us.

[Raj]

Subscribe now and listen to new episodes of Am I Doing It Wrong? Dropping every Thursday starting January 1st, wherever you get your podcasts.

[Noah]

And for the first time ever, we're going to have full video episodes on YouTube. Because as long as there are things to get wrong, we're going to be right here to help you do them better.

[Ad Host/Announcer]

Love y'.

[Bert Birch]

All.

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[Bert Birch]

The Birch Show I gotta tell you guys, we have started the Birch Show's Baby Idol competition.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

Read the bottom and the pictures are starting.

[Bert Birch]

The pictures are starting to come in.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

Age 9 months and granted stop looking at me freak.

[Bert Birch]

Granted, a lot of you guys do have very cute kids and we need to Explain this whole thing to you that a couple of days ago we started talking about. How did we even get into the conversation about good looking babies?

[Co-host/Friend 2]

Well, a listener had emailed us and she, at least she was being honest. She said that she thought that her two kids were cute enough to go into modeling, but she wasn't sure whether she was that mother who thought her children, you know, children are just beautiful or if they really were. And she wanted our advice personally to start off with on whether we thought our kids were cute. So at least she came to the table honest and say, am I just being an overzealous mother or my kids really cute?

[Bert Birch]

So what we decided to do is put it in your hands and we put her baby's pictures up on the website. You guys went there, took a look at them, and then you called us and you gave her your honest opinions on what you think her kids look like, if they were cute or not. But what we noticed, like there was a common thread with these calls that they couldn't just give a compliment and get off the phone. They had to add, but my kids are better looking. And that's where Baby Idol started. This is the first call that we took from that initial Mom. All right, so tell us about your kids here.

[Caller/Mom]

The youngest one is 15 months and the second one is two and a half.

[Bert Birch]

All right, and you've been looking at your kids and you. I mean, like every parent, or at least most parents.

[Caller/Mom]

Yeah, it's like every parent, you know, every parent thinks their kids great, you know, and beautiful and. But it just seems like everywhere we go, my husband and I, that we take the kids is like, your kids are so cute. They need to do this and they need to do that. And I was like, you know, let them be kids. But, you know, I've been thinking about it. Like, you know, I see kids on the commercials and on the TVs. It's like, well, I think my kids are just as cute as they are.

[Bert Birch]

All right, so here's what we want to do. This is going to take a little bit of good timing here. So we're hoping that you're listening to us and you're by a computer right now. And what we want you to do is go to allthehits q100.com, click on the birch show and then go to, I think it's the second link there, and you will see Karen's children take a look at them and then call us up and give us your honest opinion. If you think the kids are really Good looking and you think they have a future in modeling? Absolutely. Tell Karen that if you don't think that they would be great on the inside of some magazines, then you probably need to call us and just give Karen your honest opinion. Natalie, you're on all the hits.

[Caller/Mom]

Q100 I think they're okay. I think my kid is so darn cute.

[Bert Birch]

Like, why do you think that your children are any better looking than Karen's?

[Caller/Mom]

I guess I just look at my kid and see myself. So that's why I think, you know, if I think my kid is cute, I'm probably seeing some of me in them.

[Bert Birch]

So her kids are cute, but not as cute as yours or as you.

[Co-host/Friend 3]

Sure.

[Bert Birch]

Or as you.

[Caller/Mom]

We'll say that. Sure.

[Bert Birch]

Hey, Amanda.

[Caller/Mom]

I want to challenge her because I think my kids are cuter. I can never say a child is ugly ever. Her kids are beautiful. But my kids, her kids ain't got nothing on my kids.

[Bert Birch]

And that's a great example right there because all of these parents were calling up saying the same thing. You got good looking kids, but my kids are way better looking. So we devised baby idol and we're going to run baby idol the same way American Idol is run, pretty much.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

Yeah.

[Co-host/Friend 3]

We're gonna start off with our top 12, right? Isn't it top 12?

[Co-host/Friend 1]

I think it's gone up to the top 120.

[Bert Birch]

We didn't know how successful this would be because we didn't know if parents wanted to put their children through this kind of criticism. But apparently you guys have no problem doing that.

[Co-host/Friend 3]

So if it's gonna be that big, then we gotta do it like they do when you know, like you're going to Hollywood. So we have the group that's going to Hollywood. Then we have the group you know, that's like the a group and they're all in one room and we tell the one room of babies, no, you're going home or the next room of babies that they're moving on. And then it would get down to the. And then we'd narrow it down and vote somebody off week by week and we'd have a bottom three and all the above. And then we will find Atlanta's baby idol.

[Bert Birch]

So if you want your kid to be in on the Burt shows baby idol, you have to email us the picture and some contact information to get them in on baby idol.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

And from what we've seen so far, most of the kids come in are way homely. So if you know your kid is good looking, I mean, go ahead and it's gonna be an easy win to win. I mean, there's somebody like this thing.

[Bert Birch]

Is here for the taking.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

I understand the fact that as a parent, in your eyes, your baby is beautiful. But you gotta look at your kid sometime and go see that's called unconditional lovebird.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

It's when the parent thinks their baby is beautiful, when they're related, but you.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

Can acknowledge that it's beautiful but disproportionate.

[Bert Birch]

I wonder if, I wonder if we could find, can we find anybody listening right now? We can put you on the voice disguiser and you can honestly say as a mom, I think dads can do this. But I don't think any mom could say my kid's ugly.

[Co-host/Friend 3]

I don't think so either.

[Bert Birch]

I don't think you have it in you. 404-741-1005 you might believe it, but the words have never come out of your mouth that my child is ugly. Everybody believes that their child is absolutely ugly.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

As they get older, then you start getting the haircuts where it's a little closer to their face. Try to cover some stuff up. But you still never say that the kid is ugly.

[Bert Birch]

Get them all the shirts and all the sweatshirts that have hoods.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

Have hoods, have hats. You know, all of a sudden your kid starts wearing hats young, but you.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

Never say they're u take them out at night.

[Co-host/Friend 3]

If Hayden's head hadn't shrunk back down, you guys would have kept a hat on.

[Bert Birch]

I was really nervous about that when Hayden was.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

If he didn't, he wouldn't have been able to keep a hat on. That he would have wrapped his head like India Ari.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

Yeah.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

Been like Marge Simpson meets India.

[Bert Birch]

Kaden looked like the cartoon, the stereotypical cartoon. Like when you hit him on top of the head and they get that instant. I mean, it was a 7 inch banana on the top of his head.

[Raj]

Poor little thing.

[Bert Birch]

He was very, very ugly. Newborn.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

Now answer me this. So because I don't have children, when the baby's in the carrier and they have the blanket over it, that's truly to keep the sun out and keep the baby quiet. Or are they really just trying to hide an ugly baby?

[Co-host/Friend 1]

I think you can tell by those little papoose things that parents use, right? Like if the baby is.

[Co-host/Friend 3]

They're called baby Bjorns.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

Whatever. If the baby is in the front where the parent can see the baby and the baby is facing out and.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

It'S a cute baby, and it's a.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

Cute baby but if the baby's in the back, like upside down, kind of just half strapped in there, a little piece of duct tape, or in the.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

Front facing the chest, right.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

Covered up with a Jennifer Wilbanks towel over there.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

Oh, he's sleeping right now. You can't look at him, but really they're trying to smother them in their chest so that you don't take a look at the face.

[Bert Birch]

Hey, Tammy.

[Caller/Mom]

Hi.

[Bert Birch]

Good morning.

[Caller/Mom]

Good morning.

[Bert Birch]

Can you admit that your child is ugly?

[Caller/Mom]

Well, when my fourth child was born, I have five. But when my fourth one was born, my mother and her father were standing at the foot of the bed and their smiles just fell off their face. And they raised her up and I was like, oh my God, what is that?

[Bert Birch]

See, I'm a lot different than most because I don't think there are. I think there are no newborns that are pretty. I think they all newborns are ugly.

[Caller/Mom]

But not as ugly as she was. She felt like a lizard.

[Bert Birch]

Really.

[Caller/Mom]

It was really scary. Like, you know on that show Alienation a long time ago when the lady gave birth. Yeah, yeah. That's kind of what.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

Oh, look, there's the woman with the lizard child.

[Caller/Mom]

Yeah.

[Co-host/Friend 3]

So can you say that now my kid is ugly?

[Caller/Mom]

She's not. I mean, she's not gorgeous now, but she doesn't look like a lizard anymore. Can you say it but that she's ugly?

[Co-host/Friend 2]

Yeah.

[Caller/Mom]

She's not that ugly.

[Bert Birch]

She's not that ugly.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

Yeah. Mothers can't do it.

[Bert Birch]

It's just part, it's not part of a woman's makeup.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

Well, because you feel like you're betraying your child. If you call it ugly, it's all right. That's what family's for.

[Bert Birch]

That's what unconditional love is about.

[Raj]

If your mama can't say you're pretty, nobody can.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

That's what you said. That's what aunt's for. Aunts are there to make sure that, you know that your kid's kind of ugly.

[Bert Birch]

Now let me ask you this because we said that, that even parents that know their kid is ugly, like you're, you know, your child is ugly, but the words won't come out of your mouth.

[Caller/Mom]

But you know, I, I don't think she's pretty. But everybody else says she's the prettiest child I have.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

Well, that's because they feel good.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

They have to because she's all cross eyed.

[Co-host/Friend 3]

They're overcompensating.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

But everybody's beautiful.

[Caller/Mom]

I don't know. I don't and guys? I don't think so. But everybody else seems to think she's really pretty. She looks like her daddy. Maybe that's why I don't think she is.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

Oh, see?

[Bert Birch]

So what are you saying?

[Co-host/Friend 2]

The other spouse.

[Bert Birch]

So what are you saying? Your husband is ugly?

[Caller/Mom]

My ex husband.

[Bert Birch]

Oh, so she's a constant reminder of that ugly lizard face guy you used to be married to.

[Caller/Mom]

That's right.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

And sleep with. You slept with lizard man. Then you had lizard baby. But you're right. When she's backed up against the wall, who did she throw it to? Her ex husband.

[Bert Birch]

The ex husband so it looks like him.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

You should try to cut off her tail and see if it grows back. That's what happens to real lizards.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

Maybe she'll slither away too fast.

[Bert Birch]

She's cute.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

You know, she's kind of ugly and all, but what really annoys me is when she leaves. Sheds her skin and leaves it just lying in the living room.

[Bert Birch]

Hey, Robin.

[Caller/Mom]

Yeah.

[Bert Birch]

Good morning.

[Caller/Mom]

Hi.

[Bert Birch]

Can you be the only mom to say that my son or my daughter is ugly?

[Caller/Mom]

I have said many times that my son was ugly. Now he's 18 now and he's not. But I did say it when he was a baby. But he was ugly.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

You don't win the prize.

[Bert Birch]

Not what we're looking for.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

Be. It has to be a current ugly situation. It has to be in a current state of ugliness.

[Caller/Mom]

A current ugly baby.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

Current state of ugliness.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

Sorry.

[Caller/Mom]

Okay.

[Bert Birch]

When did your son turn the the corner from ugly to good looking?

[Caller/Mom]

Actually he was. He had a really big head when he was born and he was very fair complected so you could see like the veins in his head. He looked like an alien.

[Ad Host/Announcer]

Yeah.

[Bert Birch]

And.

[Caller/Mom]

But then when he got hair about two, he got really cute.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

Alien.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

Yeah.

[Bert Birch]

I've seen those babies in at like Northside that almost look like they belong in a science class that they're teaching you where the veins are in a head.

[Ad Voice]

That was.

[Caller/Mom]

My son had a hat on all the time. Because his head would get sunburned.

[Raj]

Right.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

Because you're protecting his head. That's what.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

Right. A hat with a really big brim that went all the way down to his waist.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

Right. Now, Bert, is it safe to say, because you know, going on your theory that nobody should take pictures of the newborn and show them, like, have you ever, you know, there have been the new mothers that have the little book and they want to show you the newborn pictures and I agree with you. I don't know of any Newborn pictures that are really that.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

Let me tell you what picture.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

I never wait a week or two.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

Because I never want to see the picture of the newborn still damp in the towel.

[Co-host/Friend 3]

Yeah, still on it.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

I'm the mom looking like she just got out of fighting battle when the.

[Bert Birch]

Baby still has all that, like, jelly.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

That.

[Bert Birch]

Like the jelly or the gefilte fish stuff? The gefilte. The stuff that's around the gefilte fish, the residue. That stuff.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

That's mom stuff.

[Bert Birch]

I don't want to see that either.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

I'm sorry, Abraham. What did you just say?

[Ad Host/Announcer]

Sorry.

[Bert Birch]

Those of you that aren't of Jewish lineage wouldn't get that joke. Just us Jewish people. Good morning, Angela.

[Caller/Mom]

Hi.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

We'll only be taking calls from Jacob and Rebecca for the rest of the show.

[Bert Birch]

What's up, Angela?

[Caller/Mom]

I was just calling to tell you guys. We're talking about how a mother will never tell her kids they're ugly. My grandmother, my entire life has told my mother, you know, grandkids are the greatest. But every one of her kids, and every one of her grandkids, save one, are the ugliest children and the ugliest people she has ever in her life.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

Grandparents don't count, right?

[Bert Birch]

Grandparents don't count. The words my child is currently ugly is ugly cannot come out of a woman's mouth.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

I think that's the beauty of being a mother.

[Co-host/Friend 3]

I think we're proving. I think we're proving that right here.

[Bert Birch]

Hi, Laura.

[Caller/Mom]

Hello.

[Bert Birch]

Good morning.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

Say this.

[Bert Birch]

My child is ugly.

[Caller/Mom]

You cannot make me say that.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

I can't do it.

[Caller/Mom]

But I will tell you this. The first year of his life, he looked like Mr. Burns from the Simpsons.

[Co-host/Friend 3]

Doesn't count the first year. How old is he now?

[Caller/Mom]

He's going on four.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

And he's the king's boy. He's been doing his first kids EBCs.

[Raj]

In Spanish, French and Italian.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

He's so smart.

[Caller/Mom]

No, I'm not gonna go that far. The first year, Mr. Burns. Every time I looked at him, you know, I'm thinking, where's Mr. Smithers? Where's. You know.

[Bert Birch]

Is your child currently ugly? Is it, I wonder, is your child currently ugly?

[Caller/Mom]

No.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

No.

[Bert Birch]

Okay.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

I wonder, would a mother say, my child is ugly or my child is stupid? Which would come out of her mouth first?

[Bert Birch]

Oh, ugly.

[Co-host/Friend 3]

No, I think stupid. I think she'd say stupid before she'd say ugly.

[Bert Birch]

Does it matter? I think this might have everything to do with gender.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

Well, she. You know, when. And the reason I thought about this, because When I said, oh, and he's the smartest boy in the world, and Jim was talking about, you know, being bilingual, and she said, well, I wouldn't go that far. So that made me wonder if. Yeah, I bet a mother would say that her child is stupid first.

[Bert Birch]

Good morning, Natalie.

[Caller/Mom]

Yes.

[Bert Birch]

Hi.

[Caller/Mom]

Hi.

[Bert Birch]

These words must come out of your mouth. My child is ugly. For us to continue this conversation with.

[Caller/Mom]

You, my child is kind of ugly.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

You can't do it.

[Caller/Mom]

You can't.

[Bert Birch]

My child is ugly right now.

[Caller/Mom]

My child's ugly. Is ugly. She's not that best looking.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

What the hell is wrong with you? Get off our phone.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

You're no mother. How dare you tell us about your ugly kid?

[Bert Birch]

But you gotta turn your radio down.

[Caller/Mom]

She's not good looking. She. She just isn't. There's something wrong with her. She's just ugly. But I love her a lot, but she's just ugly.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

How old is she?

[Caller/Mom]

She's about to be two and next week.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

What's wrong with her?

[Co-host/Friend 1]

What's wrong with her?

[Caller/Mom]

I don't know. She looks nothing like me. She looks nothing like her father. It's just what I'm kind of ask myself sometimes. What happened to her?

[Co-host/Friend 2]

Is her eyes a little too far apart? Is the nose in the wrong place? Like, what's wrong?

[Caller/Mom]

It's just. I don't know. I can send you a picture if y' all want.

[Bert Birch]

Oh, yes.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

Yes.

[Bert Birch]

Oh, yes. We would like to see this child.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

Whose own mother said she is a disgrace.

[Bert Birch]

Do you have other children?

[Caller/Mom]

Say what?

[Bert Birch]

Do you have other children?

[Caller/Mom]

No, she's my only one so far.

[Bert Birch]

So you can do it again, right? And get a pretty one.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

Try to get it right?

[Caller/Mom]

Yes, I do.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

Right now. Do you really do any. I mean, knowing how you feel about your child, is there anything you do to keep her from other people seeing her?

[Caller/Mom]

No. People tell me she's cute, but to me she's just ugly.

[Bert Birch]

Natalie, let me ask you this and be totally honest with me.

[Caller/Mom]

Yes.

[Bert Birch]

Is your motivation for having a second child to have a better looking child than your daughter?

[Caller/Mom]

Yes.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

At least she was honest. At least she was honest.

[Bert Birch]

Will you please send us that picture?

[Caller/Mom]

I will.

[Bert Birch]

Thank you.

[Co-host/Friend 3]

We cannot post that because.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

No, that ever came back.

[Bert Birch]

No, we won't do that. We won't post it.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

We won't post it. No.

[Bert Birch]

No, you can't.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

Absolutely not. And answer the phone.

[Co-host/Friend 3]

No, only. No, only we deserve to see it.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

No, because the child so ugly that the parent must create another.

[Co-host/Friend 3]

What if that came back up again? In that child's life. That'd be devastating. We'd ruin somebody's life.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

Yeah.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

What if she has another child that's even uglier?

[Bert Birch]

You just keep going until you get one that's even remotely good looking.

[Co-host/Friend 2]

Then she jogs, takes a cab, cuts her hair and goes to Albania without the kids.

[Co-host/Friend 1]

The Birch Show.

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