Vault: Arranged Marriages

Summary

The Bert Show – "Vault: Arranged Marriages"

Date: November 24, 2025
Podcast: The Bert Show
Host: Bert & The Bert Show Cast
Theme: Discussion with a listener ("Julie") currently experiencing the process of an arranged marriage, exploring cultural expectations, personal reservations, and the differences between arranged marriage traditions and American dating norms.

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Episode Overview

In this episode, the Bert Show hosts connect with a listener (pseudonymously called Julie) who is in the midst of an arranged marriage process within her Indian-American family. The conversation delves into generational and cultural expectations, Julie's conflicted emotions, stereotypes surrounding arranged marriages, and the perspectives of various callers, both supportive and critical. The discussion is open, humorous, at times tense, and aims to shed light on the nuances of arranged marriage in a modern context.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Julie’s Arranged Marriage Experience

• Pressure to Marry Young

  • Julie shares, “Ever since I graduated... my parents have been forcing me or telling me I should get married. I’ve reached that prime age of 23 to get married.” (02:10)
  • The hosts and listeners react with surprise to 23 being considered “prime” marriage age.

• Cultural Background Clarification

  • Julie confirms her family’s Indian heritage:
    “Let’s just say they’re from India.” (02:49)
  • This sets the stage for discussing cultural expectations about marriage and dating.

• Suitor Selection Process & Initial Reluctance

  • Julie expresses initial resistance: "Over the summer, they threw a couple of guys that they had heard about to me, and I was like, no, no, no. I’ve been, you know, very adamant about saying this is not what I want." (02:52)
  • She admits to changing her mind upon hearing about one suitor's high income:
    “I was like, oh, you know what? I’m a little shallow. I’m not afraid to admit that.” (03:00)

• Honesty About Priorities

  • Julie is open about her motivations:
    “And so I just started talking to him through email.” (03:21)
    “Let’s just give it a go and it’ll set my mom up for a while, too, and get her off my back.” (03:53)
  • The hosts and listeners tease Julie about her “gold digging” (03:40, 13:30), but she responds with humor.

• Communication With the Suitor

  • Interactions are limited to email, instant messaging, with a couple of phone calls; no face-to-face meeting yet (09:01).
  • Julie finds initial similarities and comfort with the suitor.

2. Concerns About the Suitor: Inexperienced or Repressed?

• Zero Relationship Experience

  • Julie is surprised her potential fiancé “has never dated anyone, not even just slept around … never even had a first real kiss or anything… no desire throughout college, high school, not even a two minute relationship in middle school.” (04:39)
  • Her friend bluntly asks the suitor if he is gay (05:35), which causes embarrassment.

• Host and Listener Analysis

  • The team questions if being inexperienced is a red flag or simply a personal/cultural choice.
    • “[As a gay person] that’s not an indication he’s gay. A lot of gay people … go out with people to cover up. All my guy friends went out with girls … until they were able to be out.” (06:53)
    • “That red flag doesn’t necessarily have to be the rainbow flag.” (07:50)
  • Culture and career focus are suggested as explanations:
    “If he’s 27, making almost $200,000 a year, he’s been spending a lot of time also building up his career.” (07:34)
  • Julie admits, “Well, I’m from the same culture, and I’ve engaged in all of those activities…” (08:13) but her parents are unaware of her lifestyle.

3. Cultural Differences and Arranged Marriage Stereotypes

• Range of Arranged Marriage Strictness

  • The show explores whether Julie’s situation is truly “arranged” or simply parental “strong suggestion.”
    • “These arrangements… don’t sound like the traditional arrangement where mom and dad pick somebody and you are going to marry them… more like they made very strong suggestions.” (10:40)
  • An Indian caller, Rick, offers perspective:
    • “Now it’s not like that… your parents are trying to, you know, if you meet someone online or whether you meet someone in school, or if your parents introduce you to someone, what difference does it make?... They’re not forcing Julie to really marry this person here.” (11:26)

• Parental Expectations and Social Class

  • Observations about parental desire to maintain social class:
    “Wealthy parents want their children to marry other wealthy kids.” (11:03)
  • The pressure to stay within cultural boundaries may be stronger:
    • "I just wonder if… Julie can't go outside that. I mean… she could be disowned by the… I don't know how that works, but it's probably a lot more strict for her." (11:11)

4. Listener Reactions: Criticism and Support

• Criticism of Julie’s Attitude

  • Several callers accuse Julie of being superficial or disrespectful to her cultural roots:
    • “She’s obviously against her culture and she's not honoring anything… if she’s admittingly a gold digger, what does that say about her…” (13:43)
    • The hosts push back, with one noting, “I don’t think she’s a slut because she’s had… sex before… I think that’s pretty harsh.” (14:30)
  • Others are more sympathetic, agreeing her concern about the suitor’s lack of experience would be reasonable in any cultural context.

• Reframing the Stereotypes

  • Rick (Indian caller) objects to the negative depiction:
    “People like Julie, they give a bad name to arranged marriage… not because he’s gay. It’s just we’re punishing this guy for being a sincere, decent guy and not being a slut like she would expect him to be.” (12:05)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Motivation for the Arranged Marriage:

  • Julie: “Let’s just give it a go and it’ll set my mom up for a while too, and get her off my back.” (03:53)

• On the Suitor’s Inexperience:

  • Julie: “He’s never even had a first real kiss or anything. He had no desire throughout college, high school... not even a two minute relationship in middle school that most of us experience.” (04:39)

• On Cultural Assumptions and Stereotypes:

  • LGBTQ Commentator: “That red flag doesn’t necessarily have to be the rainbow flag.” (07:50)
  • Rick (Indian caller): “There’s no strict obligation for her to marry this guy. They’re simply introducing her to people of the same community… but they're not forcing Julie to really marry this person here.” (11:26)

• On Judgment and Criticism:

  • Critical caller: “She’s a gold-digging slut.” (13:30)
  • Another host: “I don’t think she’s a slut because she’s had… sex before… that’s pretty harsh.” (14:30)

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Important Timestamps

• Julie’s Story Introduction: 01:44–03:21
• Arranged Marriage Motivations: 03:00–03:53
• Suitor’s Lack of Experience: 04:07–05:08
• Julie’s Friend Asks If Suitor Is Gay: 05:34–05:53
• LGBTQ Commentator Perspective: 06:53–07:45
• Julie’s Admission About Her Lifestyle: 08:13–08:33
• No Face-to-Face Meeting Yet: 09:00–09:05
• Caller Rick on Arranged Marriage Stereotypes: 11:26–12:45
• Heated Listener Criticism: 13:30–14:12
• Hosts Defend Julie’s Right to Be Concerned: 14:12–15:05

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Overall Tone & Takeaways

• The discussion oscillates between empathy, humor, and critique.
• Listeners and hosts alike challenge assumptions about arranged marriage and explore the ways in which parental influence persists across cultures.
• Julie’s honesty about her priorities and doubts makes for an unfiltered conversation about marriage, love, and identity.
• The topic reveals generational and cultural tensions while also highlighting the universality of searching for a good partnership—arranged or otherwise.

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Listeners interested in the lived experience of modern arranged marriage, its cultural context, and the judgments both inside and outside such traditions will find this episode eye-opening, lively, and at times provocative.

Transcript

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[Caller/Listener]

The bird show.

[Radio Show Host]

Yes. Arranged marriages still happen. I mean, they happen right here in this country. Julie is a Birch show listener. Not her real name. She's going through the process right now with her parents. Hey, Julie.

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

Hey.

[Radio Show Host]

Hi. You're on the voice disguiser. Nobody can recognize your voice.

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

Okay, that's good.

[Radio Show Host]

All right, where do you want to start? Because as I'm reading your email here, there are a couple of different levels. So why don't I just throw it back to you and you just take it where you want to start?

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

Okay. Well, ever since I graduated from school, I got my undergraduate degree, my parents have Been forcing me or telling me that I should get married. I've reached that prime age of 23 to get married.

[Radio Show Host]

All right, let's stop right there. Let's stop right there. You're at the prime age of 23 years old, and it is time to get married.

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

Yes.

[Radio Show Host]

Okay, now your parents are from this country or from another country?

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

They're from the same country.

[Radio Show Host]

They're from here?

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

No, no, no, not from here. From where this guy is from.

[Caller/Listener]

Can you tell us what country that is or are you not comfortable doing that?

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

Let's just say they're from India.

[Radio Show Host]

India. Okay, go ahead.

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

Okay. So they believe I should be getting married. And then like over the summer, they threw a couple of guys that they had heard about to me, and I was like, no, no, no. I've been, you know, very adamant about saying this is not what I want. And then finally, within the past month, this other family friend who knows of another family who son is looking to settle down. So I actually agreed to this because my mom told me how much he makes, and I was like, oh, you know what? I'm a little shallow. I'm not afraid to admit that. And so I just started talking to him through email.

[Radio Show Host]

Okay, how much money are we talking about that this guy was making per.

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

Year to get you attracted to about 150 to 160k.

[Radio Show Host]

Okay, all right. You're just being honest.

[Caller/Commentator (possibly LGBTQ perspective)]

Wow.

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

I'm being honest.

[Caller/Commentator (possibly LGBTQ perspective)]

How old is he?

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

He's 27.

[Radio Show Host]

Wow. Okay, so you weren't into the arranged idea until they're like, hey, this guy makes $160,000. You're like, well, maybe this arranged thing's not such a bad idea.

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

Well, let's just give it a go and it'll set my mom up for a while too, and get her off my back. Okay, so there was actually an initial attraction because we have similarities. We actually got along.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah, he makes money and you like to spend. So that could be one.

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

Yes, that was one similarity. But I told him exactly how I was and he was fine with it. And we only talked through emails or instant messenger. Like, we talked on the phone maybe a couple of times. And when it was on the phone, was there actually a comfort level? But within the past week, I found out that he's never dated anyone, not even just slept around throughout college, never engaged in having sex. He's never even had a first real kiss or anything. And he had no desire throughout college, high school, not even a two minute relationship in middle school that most of us experience.

[Caller/Commentator (possibly LGBTQ perspective)]

Okay.

[Caller/Commentator]

So he has zero experience with women whatsoever. Is he completely socially awkward when you're talking to him and emailing and instant messaging and stuff?

[Caller/Listener]

No.

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

He seems to be completely fine and down to earth and relaxed and chill. It's not that he seems out of place or feels like he's a little bit sheltered. It's not that at all. Like, he's. He'll go out with his friends, mostly with our guys that he's talked about. And he doesn't drink, but he'll hang out with his guy friends at bar.

[Caller/Commentator (possibly LGBTQ perspective)]

Okay.

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

So I'm just kind of a little concerned. And my friend, who's usually sitting next to me when I'm talking to him online, I left the computer for a second, and she asked him, are you gay?

[Caller/Listener]

Oh, boy.

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

And I was. I yelled at my friend and I was like, oh, my God, I can't believe you did that.

[Caller/Listener]

Don't ask him that. What did he say?

[Caller/Commentator (critical of Julie)]

He didn't say anything.

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

That was the thing. I told him, I'm sorry. That wasn't me. That was my friend. And usually if I were to approach a guy and say, hey, are you gay? And if they weren't gay, they would become a little defensive.

[Radio Show Host]

All right, let me ask you this question. I guess I've got a couple of questions for you based on that. He has never dated anybody, never gone out with a girl, never had a drink, really hasn't done anything outside of the box at all. You thought that. Where was the indication to you at that point that he might be gay? I'm not tying the two in together.

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

That he's never had the desire to actually go. When he said he never had the desire to ask a girl out to date a girl to do anything, that kind of gave me an inclination. Okay, maybe there's something that he's keeping. Either he's a sex addict and he doesn't want that out and he's going out with lots of different girls, or he's just not a good girl.

[Caller/Commentator (possibly LGBTQ perspective)]

Well, my first. Julie, my first, you know, being gay myself. My first instinct when you talked about that is not. That's not an indication that he's gay. Like, for a lot of gay people, they want. They go out with people to cover up what they're doing. Like, I have never. None of my friends, including myself, have ever been, you know, like you said, never gone out with anybody. I went out with guys in high school, and I went out with guys in college. I knew who I was, but I was covering it up. All my guy Friends, they went out with girls, you know, until they were able to be out on their own, and then, you know, they were able to do their own thing. So I don't necessarily think that's an indication that he's not into girls. It just could be that he's never been comfortable enough in that arena. And if he's 27, making, you know, almost $200,000 a year, then obviously he's been spending a lot of time also building up his career. You know, I mean, that's my first thought.

[Caller/Commentator]

You don't think it's a red flag for anything, though, that he's 27, he's never had the desire to even kiss a girl?

[Caller/Commentator (possibly LGBTQ perspective)]

I don't necessarily think that it's not a red flag, but I just. That red flag doesn't necessarily have to be the rainbow flag.

[Radio Show Host]

Okay, now we're talking about a different culture here. Very nice.

[Caller/Listener]

No, you did not.

[Radio Show Host]

We're talking about a different culture here too. So, Julie, let me ask you this. In the culture that you're talking about, is this commonplace where our guys don't go out with women, they don't kiss women, they don't smoke, they don't drink. Obviously, you haven't had sex.

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

Well, I'm from the same culture, and I've engaged in all of those activities. And my parents probably don't know that I've had sex, but they know that I've worn out with other people. I've had boyfriends. I go out clubbing. I drink. I don't know if they've known us most before, but they know pretty much everything else.

[Radio Show Host]

Does he know that you've had sex?

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

He asked me explicitly, and I was. I was a little concerned to tell them online that, yes, because I would never want to put that in writing, but I. When he's actually planning on coming here to see me in about four weeks, so I'm gonna tell him in person.

[Caller/Commentator]

Mm.

[Radio Show Host]

Did you the. The piece of this that I'm missing also? Maybe I just zoned out for a second. Have you met him face to face yet?

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

No.

[Radio Show Host]

Okay.

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

I have not met him face to face. Only pictures have been exchanged.

[Radio Show Host]

It's gonna be interesting to hear about that first exchange when you guys are face to face, because obviously, it's much easier to communicate when you're on a computer or when you're on a phone. And it's a totally different situation when you're face to face to see if there's. Cause you're saying now there's no social awkwardness at all. But I wonder if it's going to be there when you guys meet face to face for the first time.

[Caller/Listener]

I think you need to take advantage of that face to face meeting and just wear shoes that totally don't go with the rest of your outfit. And if he calls you on that, then, you know, if he doesn't say a word. Kaching, you got yourself $150,000, man.

[Caller/Commentator (possibly LGBTQ perspective)]

Yeah, it's too bad that Barbara Streisand's tonight because that could have been their first see if he accepted the invitation.

[Radio Show Host]

Julie, let me put you on hold for a second. I'm gonna take some calls, then we'll come back to you. I just don't want to put everybody on the voice disguiser at the same time. Okay?

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

Okay, thanks.

[Radio Show Host]

Hold on.

[Caller/Commentator]

It's really hard to understand what she's saying on it today. I think it's because she's got a normally like high pitched voice probably.

[Caller/Listener]

I can try to adjust it, but.

[Caller/Commentator]

No, don't worry about it.

[Caller/Listener]

It's pretty close.

[Radio Show Host]

You could turn it off right now. We're gonna take other calls. Okay. Different Julie. Hey, Julie, good morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller/Commentator (critical of Julie)]

Good morning. I was just thinking that maybe the reason why he's never dated or had the desire is because ultimately he knows going to arrange something for him. I mean, I don't think it sounds like he's gay to me. Sounds like he's probably just a really good guy who he obviously has worked hard to make a lot of money. Maybe he's been more interested in that. She ought to be happy about that. She likes money, she said so. Maybe he just knew that it was going to be arranged. So why doesn't she just kind of take it from there and see if he's a great guy like he says he is.

[Radio Show Host]

These arrangements, I wonder. We'll get Julie back on here in a second. But these arrangements don't sound like the traditional arrangement where mom and dad pick somebody and you are going to marry them. It just sounds like to me like they've made very strong suggestions, which doesn't sound so different than a lot of. A lot of different houses or homes and families in our country.

[Caller/Commentator]

But I think definitely, because I think especially if he comes from wealthy parents. I think wealthy parents want their children to marry other people. Wealthy kids.

[Caller/Commentator (possibly LGBTQ perspective)]

I just wonder if the difference is Julie can't go outside that. I mean, your parents can suggest something, but if you go outside, I mean, she could be disowned by the. I Mean, I don't, I don't know how that works, but I think it's probably a lot more strict for her to make a choice of their suggestions.

[Radio Show Host]

Hey, rick, you're on Q100.

[Caller/Commentator (Indian perspective)]

Hey, first of all, people like Julie, they give a bad name to arranged marriage. I'm an Indian and I know here arranged marriage, this term used to be historically pretty strict, but. But now it's not like that. It's simply your parents are trying to, you know, if you meet someone online or whether you meet someone in school, or if your parents introduce you to someone, what difference does it make? There's no strict obligation for her to marry this guy. They're simply introducing her to people of the same community, which could be typical of any minority who would probably like for their children to marry within the community. And that may be a little extreme to some people, but typically minorities would do that. But they're not forcing Julie to really marry this person here. And secondly, this guy, I want to find out when did he migrate from India? Because if he has recently done that, there's still a lot of conservative societies in India which do not view having sex before marriage or you know, stuff like that very openly. And this guy may really just be too academically involved or like everyone said, building up his career so he never really had the opportunity. Not because he's gay. It's just we're punishing this guy for being a sincere, decent guy and not being a slut like she would expect him to be.

[Radio Show Host]

Thank you very much. We appreciate the call. Yeah, it really doesn't sound so different to me than what happens in our traditional culture. Also, like I think what Rick was saying is there are social classes in India also and your parents would prefer you to stay in the same social class. It doesn't sound so different here.

[Caller/Commentator]

Maybe in their culture it's spoken and other cultures it's just understood, it's just implied.

[Caller/Commentator (possibly LGBTQ perspective)]

I do think it's interesting though, he said he's curious about this guy and when he and how conservative he is in those values because the how he's act or how he's chosen to be in his social life could have everything to do with this arrangement.

[Radio Show Host]

We'll get her back on in just a second. Hey, Debbie, you're on Q100.

[Caller/Commentator (critical of Julie)]

Hey, this girl isn't serious about her culture. She shouldn't judge it up against this poor guy.

[Julie (Caller with arranged marriage story)]

He.

[Caller/Commentator (critical of Julie)]

He's honoring his beliefs. And obviously she isn't honoring her beliefs that she's a gold digging slut.

[Caller/Listener]

Come on, we were all thinking it, but we didn't say it out loud.

[Caller/Commentator (critical of Julie)]

Yeah, well, somebody had to say it out loud. And she just. She thinks that he's gay because he isn't interested. She doesn't want to go with her parents. She's obviously against her culture and she's not honoring anything. I mean, she really should take a look at herself and her self worth because if she's admittingly a gold digger, what does that say about her and other women that can't respect a man who wants to save it for somebody who's special?

[Radio Show Host]

I am going to reiterate what I said before, where I don't think it's so different than a lot of different families in our country where if a guy's making 150 or $160,000, your parents want you to go out with that guy because you are going to be secure financially. I. I don't think it's that crazy.

[Caller/Commentator]

But I disagree with her. I don't think that there's no reason for concern. I mean, it would be a concern to me if my parents wanted me to go out with a guy who had never had any actual interaction with a woman in 27 years on this planet. I would be concerned. And no, I don't think she's a slut because she's had, you know, she's had, you know, sex before or whatever. Like, I think that's pretty harsh. I think that she's absolutely in the realm of. Right. Of being concerned that this guy's never had any interaction whatsoever. I would think that's weird too. I don't care what culture you're from.

[Caller/Listener]

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