Vault: He Caught His Wife With A Hickey!

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: The Bert Show
Episode: Vault: He Caught His Wife With A Hickey!
Date: December 30, 2025
Host/Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and listeners

Episode Overview

This episode dives into a listener's relationship dilemma after discovering a suspicious hickey on his wife’s neck. The Bert Show team, joined by a lively mix of callers, break down the situation with their signature humor, candor, and empathy, exploring whether a baby could truly have left such a mark—or if something more concerning is afoot. The discussion draws on personal experience, listener stories, and practical advice, balancing levity with genuine support for their caller, "Brad."

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

[00:51] – Introduction to the Listener’s Issue

• The Bert Show welcomes "Brad," who suspects something is wrong after his wife returns from a girls' night out acting uncharacteristically reserved.
• Brad’s concern: He wakes up, notices a hickey-like mark on his wife’s neck, and hears an unusual explanation: the mark was caused by a 5-month-old baby during the girls' night.

Quote

"She said the baby had given her a hickey." — Brad (01:59)

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[02:20] – Hosts React: Is That Possible?

• The hosts express skepticism about the plausibility of Brad’s wife’s claim.
• Kristin recalls her own babysitting experience:

  "I've never had the experience of a child like, beelining into my neck to suckle." — Cassie (03:10)

• General consensus: Babies put things in their mouths—keys, fingers, even other women's breasts—but not necks.

---

[04:05] – Listeners Call In: Variations on the Baby Hickey

Callers Chime In [04:05–10:12]

• Vicky: Describes babies leaving linear marks on shoulders, not round hickeys on necks.
• Marian: Shares a strange anecdote about chin-sucking babies, but admits a neck hickey is odd and would require deliberate and awkward positioning.
• TC: Suggests teething babies can leave marks, possibly near the collarbone but doubts high up on the neck; recommends Brad reserve judgment and observe future patterns.

Quote

"If she is out doing something with somebody else, she's gonna repeat it. ... I don't think it will be a one time deal." — TC (07:04)

---

[09:00] – Moms Weigh In: Is the Story Plausible?

• Kim: Strongly calls out Brad’s wife’s excuse as a lie, based on her own breastfeeding and parenting experience.
• Emphasis on the impracticality of a baby targeting the neck for a hickey.
• Consensus among mothers: children's marks are typically from sucking on protruding body parts (fingers, shoulders), not flat parts like the neck.
• Kim summarizes:

  "There's no way you're just gonna have a baby just come up and start sucking on your neck." — Kim (09:43)

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[10:44] – Final Advice from the Hosts

• The team encourages open, honest communication: rather than conducting an external investigation with friends or spouses, Brad should talk directly to his wife.
• Emphasis on being honest about concerns, but not accusatory.
• The segment wraps up with sympathy for Brad and recognition that sometimes people look for outside confirmation of truths they may already suspect.

Quote

"...in a marriage, shouldn't you be honest about a concern? Like instead of being accusatory...you know, got to communicate." — Cassie (08:32)

---

Memorable Moments & Notable Quotes

• Creativity Points:

  "She at least gets a point for that creativity." — Bert (04:05)

• Skeptical Take:

  "That is the most unique excuse I've ever heard for Hickey." — Cassie (04:01)

• Chin Sucker Tangent:

  "My ex sister-in-law used to let babies give her hickeys on the chin..." — Marian (04:47)

• Honesty in Marriage:

  "I really think you need to ask your wife. I mean, because you're just gonna make it worse by going behind her back..." — Cassie (11:08)

• Empathetic Closure:

  "It kind of sucks, huh?...Because here's people who come on our show either want resolution to a matter... or just want confirmation of what they already know is the truth." — Bert (11:36, 11:50)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:51] Introduction and Brad’s story
• [02:20] Hosts express skepticism about the baby hickey
• [04:05] Callers share similar or strange hickey stories, generally doubting wife’s explanation
• [07:04] TC suggest observing wife’s behavior for patterns
• [09:00] Moms with experience insist the neck hickey is implausible
• [11:03] Discussion about whether to “investigate” or talk to wife directly
• [11:40] Segment wraps up, hosts show empathy for Brad’s predicament

---

Summary & Takeaways

• Brad’s situation highlights trust and communication issues in marriage.
• The consensus among the show’s hosts and callers is that the “baby hickey” excuse is highly suspect.
• The advice leans firmly toward open, direct conversation with a spouse as the healthiest approach—rather than secret investigations or assumptions.
• Despite the mix of humor and skepticism, the core tone is supportive, reminding listeners that sometimes seeking advice is really about validating their own feelings.

---

For anyone in a similar predicament, the Bert Show recommends: Listen to your intuition, communicate honestly, and don’t be afraid to ask for clarity when something feels off.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

The Birch show we, we have a listener on hold right now. We have to, you know, get to what the Birch show is really good at and that's helping with much more frivolous causes.

[C]

Absolutely.

[B]

We have a listener on Hawaii.

[C]

We all have our expertise on right now.

[B]

And the name we're gonna call him is Brad.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

And Brad is gonna share his story with us and then need some guidance from the Bird show listeners. Brad, the floor is yours.

[D]

Yeah, I got a question. My wife went out for, I guess a ladies night, girls night out, and she came in really, really late and I was already in bed sleeping. And when she came in, I woke up and, you know, she got ready for bed and everything. And then, you know, I just asked her, you know, did she have a good time? She said, yeah, I had a good time. And then she turned over and went to bed. And I kind of thought that was weird.

[C]

And then aware that your wife was a woman of few words.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

I can understand that.

[D]

And then the next day I noticed a hickey on her neck. And she had told me, she had told me that she had seen her girlfriend who has a five month old baby and she said the baby had given her a hickey.

[F]

The baby gave her a hickey.

[C]

And where was it before she gave.

[D]

Her the mark that was on her neck?

[C]

Okay, so it was this hickey because if the baby did, it'd still be a hickey. Right. Is on her neck.

[D]

So I got a question. There's two questions. I was like, is it possible for a baby to give you a hickey in that kind of Way. And the second part is. Should I believe her?

[F]

Mm. Weird.

[C]

I can just tell for. Tell you from my experience, friends who've had children that age and older who have. I've had children sit in my lap and, you know, and babysat in high school. And I've never had the experience of a child like, beelining into my neck to suckle.

[F]

Yeah, they usually want your keys. They want to put your keys. You put your car keys in their mouth, your cell phone goes in their mouth, but not your neck.

[C]

And naturally, I mean, even with a child with its own mother, I mean, they are putting something in their mouth. So it's not. I don't know how common it is for a child just to have a place of skin and just start.

[F]

And you know, I have heard of other women saying that babies who are nursing will go for another woman's breast because they're kind of used to that. And maybe if they're hungry, they're gonna start leaning in that direction. Like, I have heard of that before.

[C]

But I'm not a neck, which is natural, but. And then like. And even fingers, you know, like. But again, it's something you're putting. The baby is, you know, just mechanically putting something in its mouth. So I. I honestly don't think that that is a truthful story.

[F]

Maybe we can get some help from moms who have experienced this or not experienced it. I don't know.

[C]

And that is the most unique excuse I've ever heard for Hickey.

[B]

She at least gets a point for that creativity. Hey, Vicky.

[G]

Yes.

[B]

Hey. How are you?

[G]

Hey, I'm great.

[F]

Good.

[G]

I had with my little baby. When you hold him, you like, up against your shoulder.

[B]

You're speak up a lot for us.

[C]

Yeah.

[G]

When you hold them up against your shoulder, they can do that. I've had them left. It almost kind of like a line shape.

[F]

A line on your shoulder.

[C]

Okay.

[G]

When they want to pass you or something.

[F]

Okay.

[C]

Okay. Now, what did the mark look like on your wife's neck? Brad. Brad.

[B]

Hey, Brad.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

What did the mark look like on your wife's neck? Was it like a line or was it a circle?

[D]

It's more of a circle.

[F]

Okay.

[B]

Like a hickey.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Hey. Hey, Marian.

[G]

Hey. Hey. I actually, my ex sister in law used to let babies give her hickeys on the chin. Cause she liked to let them suck her chin. So it can be done, but it's gonna. Yeah, whatever. Yeah. I divorced out of the family, so I'm just like, whatever, but.

[C]

Okay. Random information the whole day the whole.

[F]

Side of the family.

[G]

But anyways, yeah, it can be done. But I don't know about on the neck. I don't know how you would have to position the baby to do it or whatever.

[E]

That would.

[C]

And that would just be odd. Like, you know what? I'm all for, you know, my ne being manipulated, but not by a five month old. Yeah, I just, I really think even if the baby started. Started doing that, which I still don't think a baby would on your neck, I would pull it away. Like she has to leave it there long enough for that to mark to be made right. And a baby doesn't have the suction that some men would.

[F]

Well, the other. The other question, I think, Brad, is that you said your wife kind of like wasn't really talkative with you or intimate with you after girls night, that she had just gone immediately to bed. Like, her beh behavior is also suspect. You know, if she had come home and said, oh, my God, this. I was talking to Mary and her baby was sucking the side of my face. Can you believe this? Check this out. Can you believe that the baby left this mark? If she had been up front with you, I think it'd be less. Less something to worry about. But since she was kind of secretive, I mean, I know when I come home from girls night, my husband is very excited to see me because I've had some things to drink and I want to talk and, you know, interact and do all kinds of things. Interact and interact.

[C]

Interact with that. Very few words. Right.

[F]

But, you know, I think it's more suspect that she just like turned off the lights and went. Rolled over and went right to bed, you know.

[C]

I mean, now would she normally. Now you know your wife better than we do. Would she normally come home and be talkative? I mean, is she a talkative person?

[D]

Yeah, she wouldn't do what she did the other. She wouldn't do that.

[C]

Okay, so that was the other night.

[D]

She would say something because I asked her did she have fun? And then she said, yeah. And then she kind of like, I'm tired. And I says, I'm really tired. And she just went to bed.

[C]

So it's kind of out of the ordinary.

[B]

Hey, T.C. you're on.

[E]

Hey, how's it going?

[B]

How are you?

[E]

Hey. All right. First, the first question he had about the baby. I know that babies when teething, I know they can leave a hickey or leave a mark. So I could see where that coming from. But on the second half, I think you should reserve judgment and See if it happens again because if she is out doing something with somebody else, she's gonna repeat it. You know, it. I don't think it will be a one time deal. So you know, just kind of you. You know your wife better than anybody else, so kind of feel her out.

[C]

Maybe don't let TC go. Yeah. I want to ask you a question. First of all, tc, when you say that baby make these marks, whatever. Where exactly on someone's body have you seen these marks been made by a child?

[E]

Like right at the collarbone, right at the base of the neck, you know, where they can get something that they could bite onto.

[C]

Okay.

[E]

But not like high up behind the ear or something like that. No.

[F]

Okay.

[B]

We'd be doing a whole different subject if TC is like small of the back.

[C]

Now also like if she. Let's say that she is having an affair of some kind, so she comes home and she turns over. Now obviously she was busted because she, she realized there was a mark on her neck. And like Jen said, let's say her actions are suspect and she just turned over. Do you really think that a hickey is going to re. Emerge? Like it's almost as if she saw. Oh, oh, you know, she won't let that happen again. I mean, tc, do you really think that he needs to wait for more evidence or. I mean, in a marriage, shouldn't you be honest about a concern? Like instead of being accusatory, just, you know, being, I don't know, like shouldn't be honest with each other?

[E]

Well, I mean, I don't mean for him not to communicate his concern.

[C]

Uh huh.

[E]

But if she's bold enough to do it in the first place, for the most part, a lot of cheaters will cheat until they're caught.

[F]

Right?

[C]

Okay.

[E]

You know, so I mean confront her on it, talk to her about it, express your concerns and just reserve judgment and watch her pattern. See if it happens again.

[B]

Thanks for the call, T.C.

[C]

Thanks, T.C.

[B]

Hey, bird show.

[G]

Hey. This is Kim and she is lying, lying, lying, lying, period.

[B]

Do you think she's telling the truth.

[C]

Now? What exactly?

[G]

Let me tell you how I really feel.

[C]

Yeah, exactly. So what? You know why?

[G]

You know, I breastfed both of my children and I have been around all my friends, everybody I've been around, everybody has breastfed their children. And one of the key things that everybody is saying about how the children have possibly given somebody else a hickey when, when not nursing, it's a protruding part of the body. Okay, Maybe a child's gonna suck on your thumb. I Could possibly maybe see the shoulder.

[C]

Collarbone. There's something going in its mouth.

[A]

Exactly.

[G]

Something that's protruding the neck. There's no way. There's no way you're just gonna have a baby just come up and start sucking on your neck.

[C]

Unless it. Unless it's starting that.

[G]

Name me one person in their right mind that's gonna let a baby do that.

[C]

It's not like that'd be weird.

[G]

It's very weird. Not to mention the fact that everybody's saying. Also the thing with the whole teething issue, especially if the child's got teeth, they bite, Right?

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

Well, we did have a chin sucker call earlier.

[B]

I mean, who doesn't get those?

[C]

Yeah.

[G]

You know, my child did that all the time.

[C]

Yeah, I'm fascinated by people. Chin sucker family.

[G]

She's totally lying.

[C]

Now, Brad, exactly where on her neck was the mark? Like, we haven't asked you that.

[D]

It's sort of like in. Up from the collarbone.

[B]

So it's not like on the corner of the bone or the shoulder?

[C]

No, it's kind of midway on the.

[D]

Neck or a little bit below?

[F]

A little bit.

[C]

Sorry, Brad. Yeah, I know. Yeah. When did this happen? When did this party happen?

[D]

Two nights ago.

[C]

Two nights ago. Okay.

[F]

Are you close? Well, I guess. See, the little inspector gadget in me wants to go, like, you know, do some recon and like, I was wondering if you're friends with any of the women on girls night or if you're friends with any of the girls husbands and kind of find out, like, were they really at girls night?

[D]

You mean ask one of her friends?

[F]

Ask one of her friends or the husband.

[D]

Wouldn't they be suspect?

[C]

See, I. I really think you need to ask your wife. I mean, because you're just gonna make it worse by going behind her back to her friends and asking them. I really think this is a marriage and you've got to be, you know, got to communicate. And so I think you should voice your concern to your wife with an open mind, you know, and let her. And just. And like the other caller said, just watch her reaction and watch your actions and. And make your decision from there. I'm sorry, though, that you're so upset.

[F]

I'm sorry.

[B]

It kind of sucks, huh? All right, thanks, Brad.

[D]

All right, thanks.

[C]

That kind of sucks, dude. Way to go, Jeff.

[B]

Didn't even mean to say that. It's. I feel so bad because you know what?

[C]

You feel bad?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because here's people who come on our show either want resolution to a matter, and we end up 50 50.

[F]

Right.

[B]

Or they just want confirmation of what they already know is the truth.

[F]

Right.

[B]

Like they've got like one grain of them coming on and like the calls are going to be filled with. No, it happens all the time. Covered in hickeys. I go like a slut. I got so many nuts and it never turns out.

[C]

But I. That. That is a first though. I have never ever heard a woman who has a big, you know, like dime sized, you know, blood mark on her neck say that that was caused from a baby.

[B]

The blood mark. I've got the mark of the blood. The Burt show.

[A]

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[C]

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[E]

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[D]

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[F]

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[C]

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[E]

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[D]

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[C]

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[A]

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